 Imagine this typical exchange with the narcissist. The narcissist says, by cheating on me with other men, you are rejecting me as a man. And by abandoning and betraying me, you are rejecting me also as a person. And the intimate partner answers, you are never there. You're absent. You're never there either as a man or as a person. If I'm cheating on anyone, I'm cheating on your absence as a man. And if I'm abandoning anyone, I'm abandoning your absence, not you. To which the narcissist answers, but I am my absence. You're not getting it. This absence is me. Otto Kahnberg had written a brilliant article about the time dimension, the perception of time among narcissists. He espouses views which are strikingly similar to my views expressed in an article that I had written six years prior to that in 2001. Both of us are saying, to cut a long story short, that the narcissist's inner absence, inner emptiness, because the narcissist is absent not only from your life, he is absent from his life. He is nowhere to be found even in his own life. And Kahnberg points out correctly that this is the outcome of internal impoverishment. The narcissist is unable to maintain any type of object relations, let alone love. The narcissist consequently is focused 100% on maintaining the grandiose self. It's a maintenance chore. It doesn't lead to the formation of memories. And in the absence of memories, there's identity diffusion, there's no identity. And of course in the absence of identity, there's no life lived. And there's no life lived. There's a sense that time has flew by. And that you've done nothing with it as a narcissist. The narcissist constantly feels that life had passed him by, that he had wasted it, squandered it, that he should have much more time at his disposal. That's where his entitlement comes in. But this is an interesting observation because it indicates that pathological narcissism is a narrative. And it's a narrative intended to disguise discontinuities in memory and breaks in identity. Now, Kernberg and many others observe that such dissociations, such massive dissociation and splitting, they're very typical of post-traumatic conditions, especially PTSD, but of course also CPTSD. So people who had been traumatized, they experienced time very differently. And the narcissist has a grandiose self. And this grandiose self wants to live forever because it is godlike. The narcissist wants to freeze time to in the language of Andre Green, he wants to murder time. Andre Green has this very colorful vocabulary. His mother is dead. The mother is dead in his theory. And time is murdered by the narcissist. So post-traumatic people have this very convoluted, irregular relationship with time. A narcissist above them all. So narcissism is a script. It's a movie. It's a theater intended to camouflage, intended to paper over discontinuities, lack of memory and lack of identity. But it has another role. And that role is to glamorize dysfunction, to elevate dysfunction to the level of an ideology of superiority. If I'm dysfunctional, means I'm superior to you. What you call dysfunction will be the next stage in evolution. Children with impaired and incompetent, disorganized personality, or with self-defeating, ornery temperament. These kind of children shunned, ridiculed, ostracized, excommunicated, mocked, bullied. Other children don't like them. They're not liked, they're disliked, actively. They're punished, they're tortured. So these kind of children whose personality hasn't coalesced fully, whose self hasn't constellated in the language of Jung, children who are simply disagreeable, not pleasant to be around. These kind of children suffer and they suffer throughout their childhood and to compensate for these painful experiences. These children sometimes recast their freakish idiosyncrasies, their nerdy uniqueness, their rejected offerings. They cast these, not as misfortune, but as choices. And so by casting everything that's wrong about them as choices, you know, I am the way I am because I choose to be the way I am. Not because I'm defective, not because I'm malformed, not because I'm underdeveloped, but because that's how I choose to be, my way or the highway. And by doing this, they restore an internal locus of control. They are actually saying, this is a choice which I am making and consequently it's a choice which I can unmake, which of course is not true. It's counterfactual and that's the first substantial profound fundamental confabulation of underlying the fantasy that is narcissism. And so for example, consider the schizoid. The schizoid or the autistic person. They boast grandiosly about being self-sufficient, emotionally imperturbable, resilient, cool-minded, with razor sharp focus and with an extreme IQ. They brag about being socially selective. I don't just date anyone. I don't just befriend anyone. And many of them even elevate their asexuality into a principle of life, into an ideology as I said, into a form of wisdom and definitely into something that sets them apart from the animalistic and bestial behaviour of other people. These deformities, these malfunctions, these dysfunctions become superhuman in the eyes of the compensating schizoid or the compensating autistic person. And of course, such grandiosity is a hallmark of narcissism. So in the case of the schizoid person or the autistic person, the narcissism is a veneer. It's an overlay. It's not the core issue. It's not the primary disorder. Similarly, take the sadist. Or actually, don't take it. Better advice. Consider the sadist. The sadist brags about his altruism, his rationality, his invulnerability, his perspicacity and his imperviousness to weakness and to pain, whatever he's doing. It's because of tough love. He's just out to educate, to reform, to mold. When he inflicts pain, it's because he's well-intentioned. It's an example of a narrative that elevates the sadist into sainthood. So a lot of what we consider to be narcissism is actually camouflage. It's disguise. It's intended to hide a primary disorder which many would consider even much worse than narcissism. For example, the schizoid personality is on the verge of schizophrenia and these people don't have a personality in effect. They don't exist. They're utterly robotic. The sadist, of course, derives pleasure and joy from inflicting pain on others. Even much worse than narcissism. Drill down to find that compensatory narcissism is merely the fantasy aggrandizing a veneer superimposed on other mental health disorders and on the harrowing lifelong costs of these mental health disorders. It's like splashing a coat of paint in order to disguise underneath. And this is the topic of today's video, today's lecture. We're going to discuss the disguises of narcissism. The way narcissism and narcissism engage in mimicry. The way they camouflage themselves and appear to be another type of animal. Literature assignment, before we proceed I would like you to visit the website Freudians. They have a library there with a wonderful collection of texts by the leading psychoanalysts many books and you can download them as well. I also remind you to visit the library or the book section of the International Psychotherapy Institute thousands of books amazing library including many very famous titles then including the incomparable psychiatry. I would like to assign to you a few articles to read and I'm indebted here to Darlene Lancer L-A-N-C-E-R She is the a therapist and she is the author of Codependency for Dummies which comes greatly recommended. It's a good exploration of the construct of codependency and dependent personality disorder which has a blog online which surveys and analyzes and summarizes and capsule form the latest research on narcissism and so on comes highly recommended. This reading assignment is borrowed from one of her blog posts and she had put together a great compilation so I would like you to read the article, fluctuations in grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic states a momentary perspective by Ederscheil and Wright I would like you to read Three Faces of Narcissism published in Personality and Individual Differences Volume 53 the author was Howlcroft authors were Howlcroft Bohr and Monroe and then Clinical Correlates of Vulnerable and Grandiose Narcissism a personality perspective by Kaufmann, Weiss Miller again, Journal of Personality Disorders Volume 34 Kreisen and Herlach in 2018 the narcissism spectrum model which I'm going to discuss a synthetic view of narcissistic personality published in Personality and Social Psychology Review Miller, Lynum and Hyatt Hyatt and Campbell of course controversies in narcissism annual review of clinical psychology Volume 13 I'm going to discuss this article Rodwald and Morph 1998 on self-aggrandizement and anger a temporal analysis of narcissism and effective reactions to success and failure published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Volume 74 Darlene Lancer thank you very much for putting this reading list together before we proceed to clarify one thing there are all kinds of semestide experts wanna be coaches and gurus pretending to know what they're talking about when they discuss narcissism they don't some of them tell you that there is no such thing as a covert or vulnerable or shy or fragile narcissist I have a surprise for them there is, not only there is it is mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Edition 5 published in 2013 page 767 in the alternative model of narcissistic personality disorder the DSM-5 finally acknowledges the construct of covert narcissist or vulnerable narcissist a construct first proposed by Cooper and Qatar in 1989 they most definitely exist all the textbooks including Lynn Sparice that I keep referring to Milan many others they include chapters and so on about covert and vulnerable, fragile, shy narcissist this construct is well validated it definitely exists so if you come across anyone who pretends to know what he's talking about presents himself as an expert or coach or narcissism and says that there is no such thing what narcissists dump him he has no idea what he's talking about he or she has no idea what they're talking about ok now let me try and see if I can enlarge this someone asked me to discuss the differences between narcissistic style and narcissistic let me see if I can enlarge this alright ok let's see and I'm going to read to you the section from Lynn Sparice book about the differences between narcissistic style and narcissistic personality so here it is narcissistic personality style although emotionally vulnerable to negative assessments and reactions of others they can handle these gracefully shrewd in dealing with others utilizing the strengths and advantages of others to achieve their own goals can energetically sell themselves their ideas and their projects tend to be able to be able competitors who love getting to the top and enjoy staying there can visualize themselves as the best most accomplished in their field they believe in themselves and their qualities and their uniqueness but do not demand special treatment or privilege accept accomplishments, praise and admiration gracefully and with self-possession possess a keen awareness of their thoughts and feelings and have some awareness of these in others expect others to treat them well at all times so this is the narcissistic personality style now let's talk about the disorder reacts to criticism with feelings stress or humiliation even if they are not expressed interpersonally exploitive taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own goals and ends grandiose sense of self-importance believe their problems are unique and understood only by other special people preoccupied by fantasies of unlimited success power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love have a sense of entitlement expectations of especially favorable treatment require constant attention and admiration possess a lack of empathy inability to recognize and experience how other people feel preoccupied with feelings of envy so these are the differences between the style and the disorder and now I'm going to read to you a segment from Lens Paris book which I kept mentioning in my previous videos about treatment and diagnosis of DSM-5 personality disorders and here is a segment although DSM-5 only describes one type or presentation of the narcissistic personality disorder research describes three types overt covert and malignant and here relies on an article published in 2015 by Caligur Caligur Levi and Eomans all three types are highly self-absorbed and have little genuine regard for the needs and feelings of others then he discusses the overt type I wanted to listen well because this is the foundation for the continuation of the video where we are going to discuss narcissism as a disguise and a camouflage of other disorders so the overt type this type presents as grandiose and thick-skinned and is the embodiment of DSM-5 criteria these individuals are characterized by overt grandiosity attention seeking, entitlement arrogance and little observable anxiety they can be socially charming despite being oblivious to the needs of others and are interpersonally exploitive the problem is that they have a fragile sense of self that is predicated on maintaining the view that they are exceptional because genuine engagement can result in the painful realization that others have attributes that they lack these narcissistic individuals engage in superficial relationships they seek out external feedback that supports this grandiose self-definition and now to the covert type this type and this is not Sabakny this is Lensperi this type presents as vulnerable fragile and thin-skinned these individuals are characterized as inhibited manifestly distressed hypersensitive to the evaluations of others while chronically envious and evaluating themselves in relation to others interpersonally they tend to be shy outwardly self-effacing and hypersensitive to slides but are covertly or secretly grandiose and jealous unlike the overt type these tend to withdraw from social situations and finally there is a malignant type this type is also referred to as malignant narcissists by Kernberg in 1984 these individuals are characterized by the typical symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder as well as prominent antisocial behavior paranoid features and sadism towards others they may engage in chronic lying intimidation and financial or interpersonal secondary gains which maintains their malignant pattern taking a more behavioral attack, Turket TURKAT in 1990 differentiates this disorder into three other types the self-centered impulsive type the ruthless impression management type and the acceptance-oriented impression management type of course he considers the acceptance-oriented impression management type to have the best therapeutic prognosis nevertheless he formulates each type as behavioral manifestations of an impulse-controlled deficit that is learned in early childhood by the way the third type is actually codependent specifically these individuals had learned to seek reinforces enablers without having to work for them so they want to be reinforced they want to be enabled but without investing it this resulted in their development as self-indulgent, egocentric and impulsive individuals individuals with the second and third types focus on creating a favorable impression on others however they are unable to maintain close relationships because while they have excellent skills at reading superficial cues they have empathic deficits there's another proposed typology which again corresponds if you listen carefully if you tune your mind this typology as all the previous typologies I've mentioned correspond to other mental health disorders it seems that narcissism maybe maybe a camouflage an overlay, a veneer a coat of paint or polish over real primary disorders there is the topic of comorbidity narcissism is very often diagnosed with other mental health disorders personality disorders, mood disorders depressive disorders anxiety disorders and so this comorbidity should have alerted us should have warned us should have told us that narcissism may actually be a secondary phenomenon not a primary phenomenon based on a survey of and this is from the book Malignan Selflav, Narcissism Revisited authored by one Saint Vakny based on a survey of 1201 therapists I don't know who was the last one and psychologists in clinical practice professor Drew Weston postulated the existence of three subtypes of narcissists number one, high functioning or exhibitionistic narcissists has an exaggerated sense of self importance but is also articulate energetic, outgoing and achievement oriented this is what I would call perhaps the cerebral narcissists the second type is the fragile narcissists again fragile, vulnerable shy, covert Weston describes the fragile narcissists wants to feel important and privileged in order to ward off to fend off painful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness and that's of course the equivalent of the compensatory or covert narcissists and the third type is the grandiose or malignant narcissists has an exaggerated sense of self importance feels privileged exploits others and lusts after power and that would be the classic overt type okay, let's go let's get to business a bit late but better late than never I am going to quote from the article exploring the structure of narcissism towards an integrated solution it was published in February 2019 it was a culmination of three years of joint work by the authors I'm going to read to you the last article first and the initiating article the first article they had published last, because I want you to see the way their thinking had evolved this particular article was published in the February 2019 edition of Journal of Personality and the authors are Michael Crow CROWE of the University of Georgia Donald Lynam of Purdue University the famous Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia he collaborated with Jean Twenge on multiple studies very crucial and important studies he's a chronicler of the rise of narcissism in society and Joshua Miller of the University of Georgia and so this is the article exploring the structure of narcissism towards an integral solution earlier they had published another article titled Controversies in Narcissism this one was published in March 2017 in the annual review of clinical psychology so I I would like to read to you composite of their thinking there has been a surgeon interest in and research on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder the authors say despite or because of this increased attention there are several areas of substantial debate that surround the construct including descriptions of grandiose and vulnerable dimensions or variants questions regarding the existence of a consensual description central versus peripheral features of narcissism distinctions between normal and pathological narcissism possible etiological factors the role of self-esteem in narcissism where narcissism should be studied how it can be assessed and its representation in diagnostic nosologies we suggest say the authors that a failure to distinguish between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism the grandiose narcissism is overtly immodest self-centered and title domineering and the vulnerable narcissists is self-centered distrustful neurotic and introvert if we fail to distinguish between the presentations these two presentations of narcissism this has led the authors say to a less cohesive and coherent literature and that trade-based models of personality and personality disorder can bring greater clarity to many of these important debates despite decades the authors continue despite in the next article despite decades of work on narcissism there remain many active areas of exploration exploration and debate and they repeat some of the I mean they that's how they define their agenda this is the earlier article there is no clear and consensual description of the underlying components of narcissism understanding narcissism factor structure is necessary for precise measurement and investigation of specific psychological and behavioral processes the aim of the current study is to explore the structure of narcissism by examining it at varying hierarchical levels and so they continue to describe the the way they constructed the article and they use 46 scales it was an interesting an interesting study and they used essentially the five factor model self-esteem aggression and externalizing behavior these were the the things they measured and the results were this a series of factor analysis revealed the factor structure of narcissism at a range of specificities no more than five meaningful factors were found grandiosity neuroticism antagonism distrustful self-reliance and attention seeking and the most parsimonious model appears to be a three-factor structure actually narcissism scales that effectively capture each of the identified factors are identified in the article factors diverged in their association with criterion variables and the conclusion of the of the authors is a three-factor model a genetic extraversion narcissistic neuroticism and self-centered antagonism seems to be the most parsimonious conceptualization enough to capture narcissism larger factor solutions are discussed but future research will be necessary to determine the value of these increasingly narrow factors so this is what is known today as T-M-N the trifarcated model of narcissism it start it start with the foundational with what they call foundational traits and as I mentioned the foundational traits are extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism all these three are transformed malignantly in narcissism extraversion becomes assertive extraversion I would use the term aggressive extraversion agreeableness becomes antagonism in narcissism and neuroticism remains neuroticism and then when you put the three together assertive extraversion antagonism neuroticism you get two types of narcissists grandiose narcissists or vulnerable narcissists and this is the Campbell Miller T-M-N model trifarcated model of narcissism let's talk a bit about the grandiose narcissists they the authors and others admit that there are degrees and types of narcissism so everyone now agrees that there is a spectrum a dimensional we should have a dimensional approach to narcissism but most of the studies we have are focused on exhibitionistic narcissists the narcissists who seeks the limelight the narcissists who can't live one minute without attention these are boastful grandiose narcissists and these are the this is the stereotype of the narcissists the stereotype is so powerful and the text revision of the SM4 and into the SM5 although the authors committee of the SM5 try to divorce itself from this stereotype by proposing an alternative model which incorporates covert narcissism and so these overt exhibitionistic narcissists grandiose they are charming they are attention seeking they are extroverted, they are vain they are bold, audacious even they are obnoxious they are shameless and guiltless they are self-absorbed entitled, callous, exploitative, authoritarian aggressive etc etc etc and of course when I described this in 1995 I showed the inexorable connection between this list of traits and the behaviors attendant on these traits and I coined the phrase narcissistic abuse now narcissistic abuse could be anything it's verbal in the case of the cerebral narcissists but it could be physical physical abuse is also a part of narcissistic abuse in many cases these narcissists have a self-aggrandizing self-perception and self-image because they lack empathy and they feel superior, hortily superior, they are arrogant they are also contemptuous and yet at the same time they are dependent on other people for the regulation of their self-esteem and sense of self-worth and they are extroverted so when you talk to these narcissists they tell you, I'm very happy with myself you know, I'm egosyntonic they are very high self-esteem too high they are satisfied with their lives and they don't give a second thought sometimes not even a first thought to the pain and hurt that they inflict on other people they are focused like a laser beam on obtaining attention acclaim, domination narcissistic supply even they bring this attitude even to intimate relationships every relationship becomes a competition or a power play a hierarchy, a dominance who would be top lobster and because they are outgoing and because they are charming and because you know they know which buttons to push and which levers to pull because they have cold empathy they do have relationships but these relationships are cold and sterile and empty there is no intimacy there is no happiness there is only the infatuation with the charisma with the curiosity with the daring, with the adventure with the risk, with the novelty they cater these narcissists to the psychopathic and narcissistic elements of their own partners and these are the overt or grandiose narcissists and then there is the vulnerable shy fragile covert narcissists closet narcissists, introverted narcissists and there are many names similarly they are self-absorbed with the ability to maintain object relations the only relationship a narcissist, any narcissist truly have truly has, is with himself and since he doesn't have a self he doesn't have a self the narcissist has a relationship with his absence I know this is mind boggling it's extremely difficult to comprehend but you know what consider religious people God is an abstract God is an idea, it's a concept and yet religious people convert God into a presence, it's a delusional presence but it's a presence and they interact with God as though God were there similarly the narcissist deifies his false self narcissism is a religion I keep explaining so he deifies his false self and then he has a relationship with his false self that is akin to a religion he mis-perceives his false self as a presence when actually the false self is defensive 100% defensive the false self is not about including anything or anyone the false self is about keeping out pushing away excluding others and circumstances and competitors and objects of envy the false self is busy firewalling the narcissist the false self in other words guarantees an empty space and yet the narcissist perceives the false self as a presence so he has a relationship the only relationship and the only investment of emotions that the narcissist is capable of if at all is in this emptiness he is married to absence and of course because he has no true self to counter this absence gradually he identifies with the absence he becomes the absence he merges with the absence and fuses he has a co-dependent relationship with his false self it's very intricate and so the false self includes all the internal objects including representations and introjects of the narcissist intimate partners who had been internalized interiorized that's the snapshotting mechanism that I'm describing okay so covert narcissists are also self-centered of course although in the absence of self one would say they are centered around the absence of self in their case they are also envious envious of overt narcissists and functional people so in the case of covert narcissists I would say that the relationship the cathexis is in the envy but envy is about emptiness because envy is destructive the impulse of envy is to destroy the source of envy to destroy the object you envy to destroy the person you envy so it's about destruction it's about annihilation it's about disappearing and vanishing it's about emptiness and absence so while the overt narcissists interacts with emptiness and absence via grandiosity he interacts with the fantasy which is not there the covert narcissists interacts with absence and emptiness via envy and so he feels entitled he feels exploitative he has no empathy he's manipulative aggressive exactly like the overt but he is also socially shy to the point of being avoidant one could even argue that covert the covert narcissists is a compensatory reaction to avoidant personality disorder or schizoate personality disorder there's a debate now and it seems that schizoate personality disorder will be subsumed within avoidant personality not kept as a separate clinical entity the covert narcissists shies away from attention because he is afraid of criticism and rejection and abandonment reigns a bell yes borderline we are beginning to see the seamless integration of all so-called separate personality disorders and clinical entities each one of them functions as primary or secondary foundational and overlay that's why people who are traumatized for example victims of complex trauma CPTSD that's why they suddenly develop borderline traits or become narcissistic because trauma doesn't create a single personality disorder trauma creates all personality disorders and then a few of them one or two, usually one actually becomes primary becomes the cornerstone, the core and around this there overlays this core personality disorder this core disturbance picks up traits and behaviors and affect and emotions and memories and fears and wishes and hopes and elements of identity because the identity is shattered, there's identity diffusion, identity disturbance so the core serves as a giant black hole as a giant magnet if you wish and accumulates an overlay or actually a series of overlays like an onion of other personality disorders but these personality disorders which are visible to the therapist visible to the intimate partner visible to colleagues and friends this personality disorder, let's call them the presenting personality disorder the facade personality disorder they're hiding they're hiding the core personality disorder or the core the core disturbance the core disturbance in identity formation the core disturbance in effect and emotion and regulation the core disturbance in memory dissociation, that's the core so covert narcissists probably the core is avoidant schizoid or what melanocline describe as a schizoid posture position an overt or grandiose narcissists maybe compensating for something else, for example a psychopath so when we are presented with a personality disorder we should take it with a mountain of salt it's like a visit card you know the person is giving you a visit card hello, my name is Sam I'm a narcissist, wait a minute hello, what is your narcissism hiding? narcissism is compensatory what is it compensating for Sam, dude, what is your problem? the real one not the one you're presenting to me don't forget that most personalities engage in numerous defense mechanisms including fantasy confabulation, rationalization, intellectualization I mean you name it everything is distorted endlessly in an infinite hall of mirrors you're not getting real information by interrogating the personality disordered person so the covert narcissists shares a lot with the overt narcissists but probably is hiding another core problem another core issue and so both of them for example present as autonomous but they're not they're highly dependent both of them present exude information but this information is fraudulent they're imposters and they suffer from imposter syndrome they have no self, they have no ego and yet everyone thinks they're egotistical or driven by ego including one of the experts who spew endless nonsense about ego and ego death and I don't know why they're self-alienated and and perhaps the only difference between them is the intensity and extent of experiencing internal objects experiencing and reacting to introjects experiencing and interacting to disembodied emotions not identified as emotions experiencing and interacting with internal processes and dynamics and so you could be confident you could be ego-syntonic so satisfied gratified, you can be insecure you can be happy, you can be unhappy all this is not relevant it's a mistake to focus on this psychology has deteriorated to the composition of lists and to structured interviews for some reason psychology assumes that self-reporting is honest reporting so today the dominant test for autism and psychopathy rely on self-reporting two types of people who lie as soon as they breathe you know and the distress the anxiety, the guilt, the shame the depression, the hypersensitivity the hypervigilance these are all the these are all cognitive deficits you can't rely on the cognition of these people you can definitely not rely on their emotions because their emotions are either dysregulated and overwhelmed which provokes them to become psychopaths or as a defensive posture or they deny themselves access to their emotions no measure of self-reporting should be employed engaging personalities so these are conflicted characters irrational and they engage in a monopoly of very primitive defence mechanisms such as splitting and projection and projective identification and many others and they create in the evaluator in the assessor, in the diagnostician they create very bad dynamics like counter-transference or projection, projective interjection so if you engage with them as you would with a normal person you're going to be infected even if you are a highly trained diagnostician trust me, I've seen it happen it would behoove us perhaps to resurrect the concept of neurosis somehow it was discarded together with psychoanalysis and Zygmunt Freud this towering genius, Zygmunt Freud didn't wear a white coat didn't pretend to be a physicist and didn't play the experimental game and he wrote well which is a minus so he was discarded and the baby and the bath and the water and the room and the building, everything was discarded and one of the things that was discarded is the concept of neurosis neurosis is intimately connected to personal growth I recommend that you read the works of any book, anything you can lay your handle by Karen Hornay so neurosis was both all encompassing, it was a unifying organizing principle and on one hand and on the other hand it was intimately connected to life span development now you can take the work of integrationists such as for example Ericsson and to some extent Anna Freud and you can go from there but it's important for us to have a language that captures the fact that as people grow up from the first moment through the formative years up to death as they evolve throughout the lifespan they are going to present kaleidoscopically different facets of their personality and some of these facets will be dysfunctional and to cage them or to limit them to the grocery lists of symptoms defies anything and everything we know about the human animal and so there are questions we should borrow elements from psychoanalysis and psychoanalytic psychology and the concept of neurosis we should resuscitate a lot of knowledge accumulated in the behaviorist school so concepts like operant conditioning reinforcement and so on and so forth we should revive the study of defense mechanisms much reviled and ridiculed brilliant a brilliant concept, a brilliant achievement of the human mind and and we should work with all these things Sperry writes unlike extroverted narcissists covert narcissists lack positive relationships instead of boldly dominating people they are threat oriented and distrustful their attachment style is more avoidant and anxious they withdraw from others with hostile blame and resentment internalizing their narcissism empathetic co-dependence feel sympathetic and want to rescue them from their misery but end up self-sacrificing and feeling responsible for them and then he describes the communal narcissism not realizing the taikoin the phrase communal or pro-social narcissism is a phrase the taikoin did in 1997 I think and he describes the communal narcissism even more difficult to identify is a third type of narcissism it was only named recently, wrong communal narcissism communal narcissists value warmth agreeableness and relatedness they see themselves and want to be seen by others as the most trustworthy and supportive person and they try to achieve this through friendliness and kindness they are outgoing like the grandiose narcissists however whereas the grandiose narcissists wants to be seen as the smartest and most powerful a communal narcissists wants to be seen as the most giving and helpful communal narcissists vain selflessness is no less selfish than that of a grandiose narcissist they both share similar motives for grandiosity esteem entitlement and power although they each employ different behaviors to achieve these when their hypocrisy is discovered it's a bigger fall malignant narcissists lens sparing malignant narcissists are considered to be the extreme end of the continuum of types of narcissism due to their cruelty and aggressiveness their paranoid, immoral and sadistic they find pleasure in creating chaos and taking people down these narcissists aren't necessarily grandiose extroverted or neurotic but are closely related to psychopathy the dark triad the dark tetradon the social personality disorder and he refers to Howcroft an article from 2012 and so the question of course is the question of course is where do we go from there what do we achieve by by considering these classifications the previous sections I have read were partly from Darlene Lancer partly from lens sparing and they presented a good overview but taxonomy and classification don't help us to gain insight into the core state the experience of being a narcissist identifying the type of narcissists is also useless because there is no type constancy as I kept saying in all my videos narcissists oscillate they change the grandiose becomes covert the somatic becomes cerebral the inverted becomes covert etc etc they constantly fluctuate and they are reactive to the my interpretation is that various types of narcissism disguise core disorders they are like overlaid on core disorders and as circumstances change life circumstances these core disorders manifest this is why there is no type constancy the core disorder is like a body and narcissism is like clothing you can change your clothes but you can rarely if ever change your body there is a body of disruption with identity memory emotion, cognition disruptive in some individuals and they overlay this with narcissistic defenses and each type of narcissistic defense creates another diagnosis and of course as circumstances change the defenses change and suddenly the diagnosis change instability fluctuation very common and so while typically when you are in the type you are unlikely to exhibit attributes of the other type you can definitely switch to the other type completely so work bar Edershal and Wright and Rodwald and others which I have mentioned before they discuss this type constancy and type inconstancy and so is there anything we can say about narcissism that is not dependent on these core disorders are there any personality traits is there anything that we can point the finger at and say regardless of the core disorder regardless of the primary disruption of the primary problem this is narcissism so there is the trifarcated model that I mentioned agentic extroversion, disagreeableness and neuroticism and agentic extroverts authoritative, bold, audacious go-getters they are after money power, acclaim, achievement, leadership positions etc etc they are extrovert, they are leader types you know but it would seem as Jordan Peterson also notes in many of his writings that disagreeableness is a core narcissists are disagreeable it's one of the big five personality traits it seems that narcissism narcissism is about conflict interpersonal antagonism both of the covert the somatic and the cerebral you name it, all types of narcissists they are going to fight with you they are going to fall out with you they are going to hurt you, they are going to abuse you there is an element of constant battle, constant conflict one could even venture to say functional sadism not emotional sadism in the sense that most narcissists hurt other people and abuse them not in order to derive pleasure but functionally as a psychopath would do but if we have a class of people whose overriding common denominator is hurting other people can't we safely call these kind of people operational or functional sadists I think yes narcissists are manipulative hostile, entitled, callous and angry and they put all these assets at the service of antagonizing others fighting them, humiliating them establishing hurtful dominance etc etc Kaufmann in a recent article 2020 has mentioned this granted antagonism and conflict are expressed differently some narcissists are more hostile others more distrustful some are domineering others are more submissive and so on but it's still at the core hostile, hostile conflict I want to quote from a blog by Darlene Lancer about the spectrum model she summarized it nicely the narcissism spectrum model NSM created by Kersen and Herlach in 2017 conceives narcissism as existing on a spectrum from grandiose to vulnerable it demonstrates how NPD varies in severity and how traits manifest the model reveals that both types of narcissists share a common psychological core of entitled self-importance narcissists believe that they and their needs are special and take precedence over those of others this core is made up of arrogance, self-involvement and entitlement in fact entitlement is reportedly the most toxic element in relationships narcissists differ in personalities express diverse qualities at various times this model captures a fluid functional analysis that is more representative of real life the greater a person's grandiosity the less is their vulnerability and vice versa more entitlement and risk-taking increase professional and interpersonal difficulties the greater the vulnerability the further away or lower is the grandiosity so we are beginning to conceive of narcissism as a spectrum of behaviors and traits united by specific factors five factors, three factors there's a debate about the factors but we are beginning to have a factor factor view of narcissism could be antagonism self-importance entitlement, disagreeableness whichever ultimately we are going to settle on a list, evidence-based list verified and proven via experiments and studies but I think we are going there where we are no longer going to talk about narcissism as a personality disorder we are going to discuss it in terms of a post-traumatic condition that relies on several factors or brings forth several personality factors and because it's a condition not a disorder in other words because it's a process not a disorder it's a reactive process it can be attached to any other mental health issue including mood disorders anxiety disorders even eating disorders you can find narcissism everywhere even in schizophrenia in psychotic disorders we have grandiose psychotic disorders narcissism is not a mental health issue narcissism is the very foundation and core of personality formation and personal growth primary narcissism is what drives the baby to become effectively human and then we have narcissism healthy narcissism throughout life narcissism is who we are it can go bad like cells which become cancerous but we have cells everywhere and we have narcissism everywhere and we have narcissism in everything self-confidence self-esteem and mental health issues so we should get rid of the conception of narcissism as a specific disorder with a list of criteria and symptoms and if we only get five out of nine this is nonsense the spectrum model which is a dimensional model is much closer to the reality and the reality is if you have a mental health issue you are going to react to the internal trauma of experiencing your mental illness with narcissism that is inevitable experiencing mental illness exactly like experiencing COVID or chronic illness is a traumatic experience and it's superimposed on a traumatic early childhood so it's a double trauma it's a resonant trauma the trauma of being mentally ill resonates with the trauma that had led to the mental illness it's an echo chamber and to cope with this we need narcissistic defences these are the only defences we have even as healthy people so ultimately when we have mental illness we are going to end up being narcissistic if we are exposed to trauma complex trauma we are going to end up being narcissistic if we get sick physically we are going to end up becoming more narcissistic narcissism is a survival mechanism it's a positive adaptation in extreme situations the problem is when these defences are leveraged and used in day to day life there is no emergency no trauma no mental illness and no chronic illness that's where the trouble starts and narcissists need you to manage their internal environment narcissists by definition is a diet not a person personality which makes the whole concept of narcissistic personality disorder counterproductive not to say nonsensical narcissists have no ego how can they have a personality narcissists borrow your personality you help them to regulate their needs their cognitions their emotions everything their sense of self worth and exactly when people borderline personality disorder who also have a false self the aim of the false self is to hail to interpolate to cause people to react in highly rigid and structured forms rendering them in many ways pseudo-narcissist as well and so I want to read to you what Milan has to say about the compensatory narcissists the theodomilan personality disorders in daily life second edition published in 2004 the compensatory narcissists the compensatory variant essentially captures the psychoanalytic understanding of the narcissistic personality the early experiences of compensating narcissists are not too dissimilar to those of avoidant and negativistic passive-aggressive personalities you see he's noting the resemblances all these have suffered wounds early in life rather than collapse under the weight of inferiority and retreat from public view like the avoidant or vacillate between loyalty and anger like the negativist passive-aggressive the compensatory compensating narcissists develops an illusion of superiority life becomes a search to fulfill aspirations of status recognition and prestige every small certificate and plaque the individual has ever received may be displayed on the office wall for example at other times they may bore others while they present a complete biography of their most miniscule successes and achievements like avoidant personalities compensating narcissists are exceedingly sensitive to the reactions of other people called empathy noting every critical judgment and feeling slighted by every sign of disapproval unlike avoidance however they seek to conceal their deep sense of deficiency from other people and from themselves by creating a facade of superiority though they often have a degree of insight into their functioning remember I kept telling you that narcissists are self-aware it's another type of nonsensical myth propagated and spewed by self-styled experts yes so millen agrees they have self-awareness though I quote from millen though they often have a degree of insight into their functioning they nevertheless indulge themselves in grandiose fantasies of personal glory and achievement some procrastinate in doing anything effective in the real world for fear of evaluation and failure instead of living their own lives they often pursue the leading role in a false imaginary theater and related to the real world when they are threatened with reality compensatory narcissists may defend themselves by becoming more and more arrogant and dismissive until the offending stimulus withdraws if reality overturns their illusions completely compensating narcissists may retreat more and more into an imaginary world of others who recognize their supposed accomplishments they become schizoated in other words and I would like to read to you descriptions of other mental health disorders which will immediately remind you of the narcissists so these are other than this is not narcissistic personality disorder this is not narcissism but I'm going to read to you the description of these disorders and you immediately will recognize the narcissists what you call narcissists what I call narcissists so the insular paranoid the insular paranoid the paranoid not a narcissist the insular paranoid combines aspects of the paranoid and avoidant personalities such individuals are often moody apprehensive and hypersensitive to criticism especially where their worth and achievements are concerned extremely vulnerable many insular paranoid seek solace in self-focused ways for example they may engage in abstruse intellectual activities to enhance their self-esteem or they may indulge in drugs and alcohol to calm their fears especially fearful of shame and humiliation insular paranoid seek to defend themselves against both real and imagined dangers more than most insular paranoid seek to protect themselves from a world both threatening and destructive as such they may isolate themselves for long periods of time a means of keeping the inevitable judgments of other people out of their lives insular paranoid also have an unusually strong fear of being controlled they not only seek to prevent external influence but they also desire to rely solely on their own conclusions and beliefs unwilling to check their thoughts against consensual reality insular paranoid grow more and more out of touch with the surrounding world eventually losing the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality fears of shame and humiliation an important component of both the paranoid and avoidant patterns easily inflate to full blown conspiracies eventually their thoughts may become so painful and terrifying that they begin intentionally to interrupt the continuity and focus of their perceptions distracting themselves from their own thoughts by deserting themselves their inner world becomes a chaotic melange of distorted incidental and unconnected notions the threshold of a decompensated paranoid state let's discuss another mental health disorder which is not narcissism the reputation defending antisocial psychopath not all antisocials COVID material possessions or power says Theodor Millen those who share trades with the personality are motivated by the desire to defend and extend a reputation of bravery and toughness antisocial acts are designed to ensure that other people notice them and accord them the respect that they deserve as such they are perpetually on guard against the possibility of belittlement Society should know that the reputation defending antisocial is someone significant not to be easily dismissed treated with indifference lightly or pushed around whenever the status or ability is slighted they may erupt with ferocious intensity posturing and threatening until their rivals back down some reputation defending antisocials are loners some are involved in adolescent gang activities and still others simply seek to impress peers with aggressive acts of leadership or violence that secure their status as the alpha male the dominant member of the pack being tough and assertive is essentially a defensive act intended to prove their strength and guarantee a reputation of indomitable courage and finally one last type which is not a narcissist and still resembles almost fully a narcissist an overt narcissist the vivacious vivacious histrionic synthesizes the seductiveness of the histrionic with the energy level typical of hypomania the result radiates attractiveness, charm playfulness, verve and intensity more than just bubbly or perky vivacious histrionics are interpersonally cheerful, optimistic spontaneous and impulsively expressionistic often without regard to future consequences driven by a need for excitement and stimulation many vivacious histrionics are easily infatuated attaching themselves to one person or after another in quick succession behaviorally their movements are quick and animated they both enter and leave with a flourish even though they are only superficial thinkers their ideas often flow so quickly and easily that other people become infected with their excitement those who are more normal race around get things done, start projects and persuade others to join them with an energy and friendliness that make for a natural sales person others however pursue momentary whims without completing much of anything leaving broken promises, empty wallets and distraught associates surprisingly many vivacious histrionics also possess narcissistic traits summary personality disorders in general are storylines, storyboards narratives they are intended to disguise and camouflage discontinuities in identity caused by post-traumatic dissociation however narcissism is not a personality disorder it's an integral part of personal growth evolution and development over the lifespan we all have healthy narcissism we all start with primary narcissism as infants and it is primary narcissism that allows us to develop and evolve and become adults so narcissism stays with us for life the malignant forms of narcissism the sick forms, pathological forms of narcissism, the overt the malignant these forms could be conceived of as cancer there are cells everywhere and so cancer can appear anywhere it's the same with narcissism cancerous or malignant narcissism it can appear anywhere people with an underlying mental illness a mood disorder affect disorder eating disorder psychotic disorder another personality disorder people with a mental health issue are likely to be traumatized twice once by the trauma that had led to the mental health issue and the second time by the mental illness itself which is highly traumatic to compensate for these traumas to paper over the disassociation to cope somehow everyone who is mentally ill employs and deploys narcissistic defenses everyone who is mentally ill with any kind of mental illness whatsoever becomes a narcissist of one kind or another depending on the mental illness this expression of narcissistic defenses if it is sufficiently long if you've been mentally ill for 20 years and you've been using narcissistic defenses for 20 years if it is sufficiently all pervasive and above all if it is successful if it's a positive adaptation allows you to cope properly with your mental illness this narcissistic adaptation becomes entrenched becomes fossilized and ossified becomes an integral part of your identity and you become in this particular sense a narcissist so narcissism is an overlay sometimes a rigid overlay sometimes an integral integrated overlay over and above some underlying condition mental disruption mental health problem is actually in reaction to a trauma trauma could be with your husband trauma could be a natural disaster but whenever mental illness erupts all the arsenal of defenses comes into life and into action and a core feature of these defenses is narcissism so narcissism is with us as healthy people and with us if we get mentally ill and its manifestations vary so there's no type constancy because it is attached to a primary disorder which is not narcissism and it acquires its features it acquires its attributes it acquires its symptoms expressive symptoms presenting symptoms narcissism is like a chameleon it shape shifts it adapts itself to the problem it has to solve it's a problem solving tool the problem starts with the fact that one of the narcissistic defenses suspense reality testing involves cognitive deficits another problem is lack of emotional regulation in narcissism when narcissism goes up emotional regulation goes down these two put together create behaviors foster and gender encourage behaviors which are essentially anti-social and abrasive and hurtful and abusive that's where the problem starts thank you for surviving this