 This morning one of the members in our private group Private Facebook group Post the comment about a relationship that she's in with a man for over five years And when they've talked about taking the relationship to the next level about being serious He intimates that he wants some sort of partnership when his children out of the home and her children out of her home They don't live together and so she found herself in a situation where she needed his help and support Regarding her daughter having a problem with her car and he reached she reached out and asked for support from him and His response was no. In fact, he laughed at her now. That's certainly a very Unsettling thing for a person to do to claim he claims he wants partnership within the future and yet in the present He's not very serious about being a partner with her So I want to explore the strong signs a man has when he's serious about you and I don't want you to miss out on these Now it's interesting. We have to kind of remember that dating is a vetting process It's a process to determine is this person right for me. Is this person? You know, how do I get to know this person? That's the the dating is a vetting process now the challenge within the vetting process is often times attraction or attachment Trump's good judgment attraction or Attachment Trump's good judgment or worse when you feel a sense of attraction or attachment to someone There might be a nagging issue in the relationship and many people just hope with time that that issue will Resolve itself without addressing it. So in the case of what's happened with this person I think it's hugely important to address this issue because that doesn't demonstrate partnership on his part So I want to share with you something I watched on Netflix recently It's called the show is called the third longest date ever and it shares the story of two young people I think she's 29 and he's 31 and I'll explain in a moment how this relates to our topic today But there are two people that met just prior to COVID on a dating app hinge Okay, and they had a first date was kind of nice But he didn't kiss her and on the second date was kind of nice and he did kiss her and for the third date He said I'd like to take you to Costa Rica Now it was an impromptu thing that most people would say no to but she has an adventurous spirit And she seemed to think he was a good guy By the way, I want you to know this story has a happy ending. Okay, but that's certainly taking a risk on her part Well, it turns out they flew to Costa Rica days before the world shut down During COVID and it turns out that they had to spend 78 days together before they came back home and During this period of time they went through a lot of calamities together a lot of Frustrations together not about each other, but there was Circumstances where the hotel kicked them out and then they had to find Airbnb's and they traveled around Costa Rica finding places to live and they were dealing and trying to get air travel back So there was oh and he was an influencer or he is an influencer and he recorded all this That's what makes the show by the way. This came out on Netflix just some weeks ago So I highly recommend checking it out now during the course of the Congress During the course of the show she kept sharing how she was concerned of getting too attached to this person because what would happen if he wasn't serious when they got home and Certainly, he didn't barely knew this person. So he didn't know how serious he was about her What happened though was in this incubator this incubator of these 78 days together They became very attached to one another, but they also had to navigate The challenges of being with another human being and in that period of time they got to know each other Now there was physical intimacy in this container So that was certainly a part of it But by the end of the show where she was worried that the minute they got home would he bail on her? It turns out that they actually began forming a relationship and they eventually moved in together Okay, why am I talking about this? because our current dating Experience our current dating experience is a very long drawn out Version of spending time together and sadly many people don't spend a Significant enough time together in a short period of time to truly get to know another human being That's right. Very few people spend enough time Well, very few couples in the dating process spend a significant amount of time together in a relatively short period of time Because these days many people are in relationships where they they spend more time on their cell phone Texting one another then they do spending face-to-face time together And for those that know my rhetoric I say it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust and Jay Shetty says it takes about 40 hours to just begin to get to know someone and it takes 200 hours of face-to-face time to build a friendship with someone So when this face-to-face time is spread out over a long long period of time in the case I shared with you about the member in the group. I suspect they don't live near each other They spend concentrated time together and then they go back to their respective lives so the time together they spend as a bubble often time sexually oriented and Not actually beginning the deep roots of trust the sustain a serious relationship So here are a couple things I want you to pay attention to in the early stages And then what I'm going to share with you the three strong signs. He's serious about you so oh I wrote something down though. I want to share something with everyone midlife dating requires Import you have to consider the important things How long has a person been single and do they have residue from their past? How long is a person been single and do they have a residue from their past? What I mean to say is People that are going through a contentious divorce in the moment Haven't resolved. They probably have residue from their past if someone ended a relationship with someone recently They have residue from their past In addition, you have to look at where this person at is in their status of their life is the ground underneath them solid or they going through some level of chaos and More importantly, you have to recognize that for those of us in midlife We all come to the table with baggage now. I don't like the word baggage. I like the word luggage But in this luggage it affects all the moving parts to a healthy happy relationship in the case of the couple On the third longest date. They were young. They didn't have children. They didn't have elderly parents. He wasn't dealing with Ed You know, he wasn't dealing with folks in assisted living Facilities, he wasn't dealing with menopause and or she wasn't dealing with menopause Although she was there was a pregnancy scare between the two of them because she couldn't get her birth control while she was or she was She had to find birth control while she was in this other country But my point is for those of us in midlife We come to the table with a lot of luggage and this luggage Oftentimes don't doesn't make it easy to integrate into each other's lives Excuse me for slurping so We have to take all these things into consideration now I shared with you in the early stage of dating you have to pay attention to a couple clues first and foremost He's not into you. Okay after meeting you or After having sex with you does he become flaky? Now? I know that's very obvious, but this seems to be a habitual narrative we hear in the dating marketplace that people become very flaky Right after meeting you or after having sex with you This is why I'm a big proponent of a vetting another person now vetting is what I teach in my private coaching By the way, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me There's a link below as well in the description My whole coaching program is designed to teach you what questions you should be asking in the early stages of dating based on your Personality to determine is this person Compatible with you. Do you share the same values are your lifestyles blendable and more importantly? Does he have the emotional maturity to lean into a healthy happy relationship? Okay, another sign that you have to pay attention to is he capable of a relationship Is he capable of a relationship now? If I said this earlier if his life is in chaos if he's going through a contentious divorce If he has issues going on at work if he has issues with his children The ground underneath him might not be solid enough to lean into a healthy happy relationship He might want companionship. He want might want connection. He might want sex on an occasional basis But he's not capable of something deeper something more solid You have to pay attention to these signs Because he might want the you get the the pieces of a relationship But not the totality of some level of partnership in a relationship and Then you have to recognize that this sign is humans have issues most humans have unresolved or unhealed childhood wounds and traumas or unresolved adult traumas, that's right unresolved unhealed See folks that have never done therapy Oftentimes bring their problems from their past relationships. And by the way when I say therapy I mean personal development self-help and spiritual work By the way, if you're not familiar I wrote a book all about that called what the heck is self love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below It's the recognition that our baggage isn't just the physical at our luggage Excuse me isn't just the physical aspects of our lives. It's the emotional aspects of our lives and Sadly, very a lot of men and women have traumas from their past Mostly in the area of abandonment Not feeling loved not feeling good enough and guess what dating and relationships trigger this like nobody's business I want you to hear this dating and relationships trigger this like nobody's business and So many men are Reluctant to get serious with you if they haven't done some level of work in their past To heal maybe it's a contentious divorce. Maybe there's issues your childhood wounds That caused him to become an avoidant attachment style And if you're not familiar with avoidant attachment style, I highly recommend checking out the book Attached by Mir Levine and Rachel Heller check out this book. By the way, there's a link to all the books I recommend below Because your job in the early stages is to be a detective and then when you're in a relationship I want you to pay attention to these three significant signs that he series about you First and foremost he makes you a priority. He makes you a priority. I mean, I know that seems rather obvious But the reality is is these days I see so many women in these Casual relationships where a guy makes you a you know Makes you a priority at his beck and call in other words at his time frame and not your time frame You know once I I recognize that here's a picture of Marie and I there once I recognize that this was someone very early on that I Wanted to explore a relationship with I made her a priority had other priorities in my life I certainly have my son. I had my business, but at the same time I made her a priority See when you now here's the tricky part This is the hardest part of all in the dating process is you know when a man is ready to settle down It's with a woman who is unique to him She's got something called it factor something unique that's different But he has to be a in a good place to recognize unique he's got to be healed from his childhood wounds and He obviously has to like you enough to want to invest to make you a priority and I'm gonna shoot a video Next week about the it factor When a man is ready to settle down the second strong sign he's serious about you He tries to actively help you in his life or your life. Excuse me This is where teamwork is so coming back to that member in our private group By the way, there's a link below to join the private group called midlife love mastery He would have actively tried to help her with her daughter and trying to get a new car That's what a man serious who serious does when he cares about someone and the third piece and This is the most important piece coming back to that couple. Oh, by the way That couple in the show longest Third date ever I told you it had a happy ending Well, it turns out when they got back to New York where they lived They I shared this briefly is they dated briefly for a few months and then they moved in together See the third strong sign a man is serious about you is he integrates you into his life And he integrates himself into your life and you're both integrating into each other's lives See our current dating process is years and years of dating dating and dating with very little integration Now for some people, it's difficult to do this in the early stages because I recognize You don't want to integrate your life with someone who's emotionally Constipated who's emotionally unavailable who's a boy that who is Is still hung up on their acts who has issues in his life? Well, this is why I said dating is a vetting process but ultimately a strong sign that he's serious about you is the Integration into each other's lives that includes social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life Intimacy is a big part of it both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to like in this couple's case moving in together Or maybe getting married See we here in our midlife We are dealing with a popular by the way midlife is after baby making years and before retirement and look ladies I wish I could be there for you on a first date. I'd be like your big brother I'd have the shotgun pointed out to the guys facing things. What's your intentions with my sister? See a lot of men in midlife are absolutely gun-shy They are gun-shy. They've gone through a contentious divorce. They've had some they have tons of unresolved issues in their life And they want that temporary companionship that temporary connection that temporary Sex with you. I mean the occasional a companionship occasional connection occasional sex Without any capacity to go deeper You have to be your own detective because remember what I said earlier on this video Dating is a vetting process and attraction and attachment can trump good judgment and One of the things I've noticed with every woman who's gone through a breakup always says the same thing I went against my my my I went against my better judgment See you have to pay attention to these things and if nothing else when an issue comes up is work on it in the In the present versus hoping something will change in the future because guess what? Most people who are in a happy healthy relationship They didn't have problems it integrated themselves just like I talked about here. It's those ones that are in drawn-out casual relationships that have the greatest frustration and If you need some help and support with a relationship you're in schedule a discovery call with me That's my area of expertise to evaluate the relationship on your behalf to determine Is he serious about you or is this just gonna be one of those relationships where in the future? He's gonna be somebody I used to know All right, is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know please post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as always if you find value in my content Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel join my group called midlife love master or schedule a discovery call and it's all in the links below All right, since this is my live stream We're gonna take cue questions right now if you have a question for me write the word question Then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker super chat There's a little dollar sign the chat box all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of My son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there He's my son who passed away almost five years ago fact his 24th birthday would be three days from now and in his honor I donate to a variety of causes like the Hoffman process Insight Institute and now the seeds of love which is helping children in Columbia Who have been abandoned by their parents because they have a terminal disease and I'm beginning to donate to them as well All right So if you have a question post the question and then we'll go from there Oh, by the way, if you're watching the replay, please purchase the super thanks as well All right, Melissa has a question What are some good vetting questions to ask someone new? Okay, while I teach this in my private coaching right here one of the questions I invite you all to ask is what does commitment look like for you and what does a relationship look like for you? See when I met Marie, I was very crystal clear even though we had distance involved. I Wanted to relate by the way, hold on I want to share with you this in a second, but I need to turn on the my fan here So bear with me one second. It's just a little bit cool warm up here Okay So I was crystal clear I wanted a day-in day-out relationship a day-in day-out relationship where we did social activities hobbies Mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together Teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. Okay I wanted a day-in day-out relationship and she lives 1,700 miles away So I was reluctant to explore this relationship It wasn't until I asked the deeper questions when she had shared with me that she grew up in Los Angeles She had two children who live in Los Angeles She has good friends who live in Los Angeles in fact her best friend lives about an hour From where we currently live So I knew and she was very serious about moving out of the winter weather in Chicago She didn't like the winters in Chicago So there was enough evidence for me to explore this relationship because it seemed like she could fit into my life In fact in our first hundred days together We spent 45 days out of a hundred days together. We were in this incubator of getting to know one another I want you to think about this I know couples who have been together for two years, and they haven't physically spent 45 days together Think about that for a second two years, and they haven't even spent 45 days together They get together every other week for one or two days So every other week is basically in the course of two years could be 48 days together Hiver take I'm just doing a rough math here So ask the questions what does commitment look like for you? And what does a relationship look like for you and if he says oh, I want a relationship just remember What does that look like for you? What does it look like on the calendar? What does Monday look like what does Tuesday look like and if he says well, I can't think that far well Then what do you want what I mean start asking the deeper questions early on If he hasn't contemplated then share with him what you want I would like to I want a relationship where we see each other on Tuesday and then Thursday and on Saturday and then on Sunday And it then the following week it could be Monday Wednesday Friday Saturday Sunday What it how you want to spend time together and if he boxed at that that's a man who doesn't have a plan of Being in a serious relationship. He just hopes that somehow magic fairy dust will change this Here's the thing. There's three types of men out there There's the users the spenders and the growers the users are people in it for the short run They're roughly about 20% of the population the spenders are those that want occasional companionship occasional sex occasional Connection, but it's occasional. They'll just spend time with you for their benefit and Then there's the growers and the builders just the men there I'm talking about they want to integrate into your life They want to help you in your life and they're gonna make you a priority. That's the grower and the builders That's about 20% of the population and roughly 60% of the population is Rather dysfunctional and they are only capable of being what I call a spender All right, let's keep going here. Thanks for that question, Melissa Ron Ron says Chai Jonathan, what about when I haven't met the guy in person, but his planning to visit me So if we meet we will have to wait if we both want to commit Well, certainly folks I Want you to check this out on I think it's on Discovery Plus or Hulu. It's called love prison It's about people who have spent six months to two years talking to one another who never met and Then when they meet it turns out to be a disaster Okay, folks, it's not real until it's real It's not real until it's real and it's not real until you're breaking bread together on a regular basis And as I said I'm a big proponent of the incubator in other words spending a lot of time together in a short period of time Now is that a guarantee? No, could you get attached to someone? Yes But wouldn't you rather know in 60 days if this is the wrong person than two years? I know just like this woman who's in a relationship in our group five years with this man Let me tell you his colors aren't going to change. Okay, his personality is fixed Now could he change his behaviors? Maybe but I highly doubt it So if he's not willing to help her daughter, you know, this is someone where they get together I'm assuming on a regular basis. They have sex together and he's not willing to be a team in their life That's a person that will end the relationship at some point Because right now it's easy. He gets the occasional companionship the occasional sex the occasional connection So anyway, I'm just babbling here. Let's go on to the next one Zen gal Hey, happy to have you in the house. Could you give an example of caught up with his ex? paraphrase from what you said okay so some men and women who are divorced or have an ex relationship are Caught up with them for particularly in divorce usually if there's maybe ongoing Alamony or child support if there's a contentiousness to the relationship They're caught up with this person. Basically, you're not just getting him in a relationship You're getting all the luggage that goes with that. That's one of the challenges for midlife. Okay Now maybe somebody who's ended a significant relationship might still have feelings for that other person See, this is why you need to have time apart From a you have to be single for six months to a year after the ending of a significant relationship Because you can find people who are both men and women alike that are very caught up with their ex in other words They haven't healed. They haven't let go. They still have traumas. They still have judgments. They still have bitterness still have jadedness And so they're not coming to the relationship very clean. That's what I was talking about in that case Zengal So I hope that answers your question. Thank you so much Piney says I planned to sign up for millionaire match. Yeah, hey Marie and I met on Marie believes she met me on millionaire match two years earlier, but I just don't have a memory of it Could been I just saw Chicago. Oh, I wasn't a paying member at that time. That's the reason why Turn 41 looking for a gentleman ready for a commitment Relationship leading the marriage anything to be mindful about your experience a millionaire match. Okay folks Millionaire matches a site for people supposedly who are worth over a hundred thousand dollars That's the criteria and they do actually verify this so one of things is if they have a verification They've actually had to submit financial records of some sort to prove their net worth But a millionaire match only has to be worth a hundred thousand dollars. Okay, so that's one benefit. I Found that most people on that site tended to be more Professionals, okay, what I mean by professionals. They were doctors. They were lawyers They were accountants that sort of thing the women were directors of operations of places or had significant Some some assets to them now that wasn't always the case There are a lot of scam artists on these sites as well But I personally happen to meet some really nice women from that site I really did just like I met some very nice women on Match.com where I had most of my frustrations were on the dating apps the swipe apps where you just swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe Because and there wasn't a lot of robustness to the profile there wasn't any essays written in the profile There wasn't a lot of pictures those were some of the frustrations. I had with the swipe apps Okay, now with millionaire match you can get flaky people you can get men who are alpha male Who are the user types you can get a lot of user types? You can get a lot of spender types, but I found that both the men and women seem to have You know the one common denominator that I sense from that site is most of them had their financial act together Oh and plus the cost of being on the site. It was 40 50 $60 a month So at least there was a significant investment into the site Where's where's there's no investment in hinge bumble that sort of thing You might boost your account every now and again, but that was one of the differences is it cost money by the way I've seen women say I don't want to do those sites because it costs too much money If you're telling me 50 bucks a month for a year, is it worth investing into a relationship? Then just remember people in the bottom of the barrel and no disrespect to that but people who aren't serious like Free people are serious will invest. That's the big difference. I saw so. Thank you so much for that question Um Jennifer says why do men say get me off the dating sites and app? I've seen some men say, please save me Why is this unresolved mother drama? You know, I remember in the beginning stages. I would say something like that I see that as a bit tongue-in-cheek, you know, get me off the sites. Let's face it We are in a really messed up Dating marketplace. It is very messed up Because of the dating apps. It's very messed up the the days of organically meeting somebody who was in your tribe Doesn't exist anymore You know, think about this if we go back a hundred plus years ago or even 50 years ago You are most likely to mate with somebody who who shared your same political views who shared your same religion Maybe shared your cultural background Maybe new people in your life, you know, like they knew your family. They knew your friends There was no degrees of separation. You knew each other. Maybe you knew each other. Maybe you knew one person that knew Knows you and vice versa See today we're meeting total strangers and we're meeting total strangers. It's scary What did your parents tell you growing up? Stranger danger remember beware of strangers. Well, so we already have this built-in fear about a stranger And god forbid there's a little bit of attraction that a mate makes you attached to someone you barely know This is why when I created my private coaching program By the way, I got to share something with you I get calls every week every other week from clients Jonathan, I met a great guy Jonathan, I made a great guy Jonathan I met a great guy and they know the difference because they've learned how to be their own matchmaker See, here's the thing If you hire a matchmaker their job is to do all the vetting for you So then when you meet you can just approach the relationship from fun and chemistry Well, the problem is we approach relationships from Romance is being the leading cause of ending or entering into relationship instead of compatibility Do we share the same values are our lifestyles blendable? And more importantly is this person emotionally mature enough to be in relationship? And the reality is is after 40 All of our childhood wounds and traumas bubble to the surface and worse If we've had one failed relationship after another after another it wears on our emotional well-being By the way, I think you can tell I'm hyper It's because I'm here to scream at the top of my lungs You know to invite you all to do something a little bit different. All right Um, I hope I answered your question. Um, but you know what? I would say I wanted someone to get me off the apps because I'm tired of the dating apps Does that mean mother issues? It could be but not always All right, let's keep going Bella writes question Having asked the early questions used exactly what does a relationship look like to you got the right answers Four months down the line. There's no effort to introduce me or more time Okay, so here's where it's tricky Bella. Are you spending a lot of regular time together? Does he make you a priority? Has he tried equal? It sounds like he isn't integrating you into his life. So my guess is You're not seeing each other three or four times a week. Okay Now this depends on how far apart the two of you live. I want everyone to write this down Now proximity creates continuity Proximity creates continuity continuity means continuous. I want you think of roots to a tree Okay When roots keep growing and growing and growing and growing and growing and growing it makes that tree stronger So when there is a wind the tree isn't going to blow over Okay And the closer to people to live together and the more frequently they spend time together the more Continuity is built so If in four months, he's not making effort to integrate you it sounds like he wants to take it slow Okay, men who want to take it slow basically Most likely have some Unresolved trauma in their past relationships or some abandonment or some Avoidant aspects of their life avoidant Emotional aspects of their life that makes it difficult for them to lean into a healthy happy relationship This is why folks in my private coaching. I talk about radical honesty laying your cards on the table and the rules of Engagements which is establishing your standards early on And it sounds like you did establish your standards But he's not meaning them So it sounds like he's not living up if he agreed to it and he's not living up to it His actions hasn't matched his words. That's my speculation on that one Okay. All right. Thank you so much All right, let's keep going here. Judy writes What's the difference between active avoidant and passive avoidant? You know, I'm not the expert on avoidant. Okay, I'm just going to tell you I'm not the expert on avoidant So I don't know the significant differences between the two What I do know is avoidant men and women Desperately want to feel loved They desperately want to feel loved They fear though That they're not going to be loved whether it's active active or a passive Okay, they fear they're not going to be loved and so their actions Are like there's this wall from them to be able to receive love for another human being and where this needs some address Is through intimacy intimacy emotional intimacy Folks if you're not from by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of this book Emotional intimacy by Robert masters. I invite you all to read this book So you get a better sense of what intimacy is Into me you see into me you see So what needs to happen in this relationship is deeper conversations about Your past About your present and about your future having deeper conversations The the focus of the relationship should be about building intimacy and intimacy happens through vulnerability authenticity and transparency Now many of you are afraid to be vulnerable because you're afraid you're going to scare a guy away and let me tell you something I wrote this in my book. What the heck is self-love anyway chapter one Speak your truth. That's being vulnerable. Just do it in a kind way non confrontational way And chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person So be vulnerable be authentic and transparent means if it's material to the relationship Then you should be speaking up if it can affect the relationship both parties should be speaking up Okay, judy. I hope that helps Oh Catherine goes on to say I like these questions to discern if a man is capable of making you his priority And integrating you into his early into his life early in the relationship. I agree Catherine. Thank you so much Didi writes question Is it crazy to think I can get back with a guy who broke up with me 31 years ago I recently got in touch with him and he says he misses me. Okay This is a very common syndrome that happens. This actually came about when facebook was invented A lot of people connected with their people from their childhood Okay And in that experience In that in these experiences they have reconnected with people in their past Now, uh, is it crazy to think no, it's not crazy to think you can now It's this person an emotional grown-up. You don't know does this person come to the table with a lot of luggage You don't know. Can you integrate your lives? You don't know Now you can certainly start asking the questions if you share the same values, but ultimately Didi my question for you is how far apart do you two live? Because many of you will get attached to a A long distance relationship. You'll spend years and years and years developing some sort of cyber connection with this person But let me just be let's get real folks. It's not real until it's real. I with Marie It was long distance. I wasn't willing to invest in this relationship unless there was a commitment To spend a significant amount of time together Over the course of six months and what we did is we spent we had the resources to siege We had the time and the resources and our lifestyles were compatible enough to make it work That's what makes it unique Many of you don't have the resources the lifestyle or the flexibility to make distance relationships work and we see that probably 50% of all relationships in midlife for the most part These days are cyber relationships. They're casual relationships. They're distance relationships All right, I think you get the gist of where I'm going um Rihanna says question Hi, Jonathan. I'm in a communication with a guy knew him online dating site. Okay. That's not a question Rihanna. So if you have a question Tell me what the question is. Okay. I don't know. I'm in a Communication with a guy. I knew him in the online dating site. Okay, that's good But give me more. I need more by the way gg says 100,000 network makes a millionaire kind of misleading You know, I thought the same thing too. I thought that was kind of strange, but that's their verification process by the way Do you realize that the 80% of Americans in the united states don't have more than three months savings in the bank And don't I'd say 80% of americans don't have a net worth of about a hunt By the way, they might have changed it to 250,000. I I don't know if they've made a change I remember when I first saw it was 100,000. So please forgive me but um 80% of americans don't have that net worth. So 100,000 is actually Something that is in the top 20% versus the bottom, you know The the bottom 80% anyways, I hope that helps gg all right CC says I paid for match two years met a few good guys, but none wanted a relationship Well, I'm gonna assume that you didn't date thousands of men. Okay, because to need a good sampling You need to have at least gone out with 100 men and if 100 men, okay So here's the thing if 100 men didn't want to out one two or three didn't want a relationship It's either you didn't date enough people or you have to recognize that you might have rejected a lot of good men Do you realize that women reject a lot of good men? Because he wasn't good looking enough. He wasn't tall enough. He wasn't this enough There are a lot of good men on these dating sites that get rejected because they don't meet some sort of Criteria for women. So I'm saying CC. There's a good chance. You might have rejected some good guys out there That's possible Anyway, it's my two cents on that um Let's keep going Okay, it looks like rihanna has answered ask that question I met a guy on a dating site. We don't communicate constantly. He does he that did tell me Uh, he was going to visit me for a week. I'm from the philippines and he's from the us. Okay Again fantasy based relationships. Look at folks I am guilty of talking to women Other parts of the world because it was just it it was nice to not feel alone. It was nice to connect with someone Okay, I never did international actually. I did once international briefly But you know what? A man who's serious about a relationship He probably wants to be with someone he can see regularly. He doesn't invest in someone who's overseas now Um, some men are desperate. They'll do that. I'm not suggesting he is but I'm just gonna say that The problem with investing time with someone you can't physically meet in a very Short period of time is you could be investing a lot of your emotional well-being to a person who is either incapable Or not serious and just remember it's not real until you've spent a hundred hours of face to face time It's not real Remember I talked about folks you have to watch this show love prison. I google it. It's it came out eight years ago This is a Show where people had been communicating for six months to two years And they finally met and spent one week together and found that they couldn't stand each other See, it's not real until just like this show the third long the longest third date ever When they were in this incubator. It was either make or break So, uh, I don't watch your question. Um, he doesn't communicate constantly I just I would not put my eggs in that basket. That's my two cents on that rihanna. So thank you By the way, leaf wrote down for all of us proximity creates continuity. Thank you so much All right, let's keep going here Oh zen gal goes on to say I'm listening to your book on audible. Thank you so much zen gal. I appreciate that All right Jaime writes question Um, do you do you advise dating websites for ladies who are virgins? If yes, how to approach that there are clear boundaries on that committed relationships leading up to marriage so You know, I I'm I don't want to single out somebody who is a virgin versus someone who's had sex with 100 guys On whatever that number is. Okay. I'm just being tongue-in-cheek here I think you have to first recognize who you are and what you want. Okay? Who are you and what you want? And do you clearly? Express what you want Folks if you want marriage, that should be the first sentence on your dating app I'd like to either live with someone or get married In fact, my dating site said that a dating profile said that everyone hold on for one second I want to find what I wrote on my dating profile for everyone. I hope you can hear me But I want to share with you something that I invite you all to do So I hope I have a copy of it here Okay, this was my dating profile It said let me start with the following I would like to get remarried or at least live together And I'm seeking a woman who feels the same for me. This isn't about growing old with someone I want to grow in life and in love with a special woman Plus I promise my next partner emotional maturity lots of great sex chocolate massages flirty texts poetry I've been failing on the poetry part travel and tacos on tuesday Which marie and I do So the reason why I'm on a dating site as well as a few others is that I'm using any tool to connect with my soulmate and life partner Uh, where did I say it? Uh, so you won't have to be concerned if I'm going to waste your time and I hope you're the same Is that a deal? And just so you know in my world commitment and partnership are what I want and the last thing I seek is something casual Do you feel the same way? So this was just and by the way, my profile was a thousand words or characters or whatever No, not thousand words. It was a thousand or 1500 characters In fact, what I appreciate most about marie's profile Is that she said that she was looking for a deeply connected relationship and that was words that triggered What I was seeking but I started with the very beginning. I want to remarry or at least live with someone Folks establish what you want I may establish what you want very beginning And this way you'll be hopefully weeding out men that are just the look you lose Thanks so much for that question um all right ld 123 says this is what's hard for me how to bring up intentions early with someone as a woman without leading the Conversational relationship. I just feel like I'm starting to lead when I bring so so We could look at this from a different perspective You're leading by example. Okay, what I mean to say is you're simply expressing your standard You're not leading you're expressing your standard and then you you're investing By expressing your standard and then you're observing invest and observe invest and observe invest and observe Okay, by by you're not leading you're you're demonstrating your standard and then you're observing how they respond Do you see the difference with that ld? It's a big difference ladies. Many of you have scotch top over your mouth. You guys are so afraid to ask One of the things I appreciate most about Marie Is she is unafraid To speak her mind now. I don't mean that she blurts out things without a filter And she's certainly very diplomatic Okay, but she speaks her mind like a diplomat very diplomatic I think and another way of calling diplomatic actually what I appreciate most is she does it with a lot of grace This requires a practice. This is why I invite you all to check out insight seminars insight seminars, okay, google insight seminars You can do the online training, but it's a great place to be able to learn to Speak from the inside out. It's not a dating a relationship group or organization It's about learning who you are as a person and speaking from the inside out Is this resonating with you? Please let me know Okay, Catherine Hey, Catherine's in the house In your own life, you have found any specific questions or methods to encourage someone to become more valuable and transparent with you You know, I'm going to piggyback what I was just sharing Expressing your wants in a relationship Is an invitation to another person expressing your wants How they responds gives you insight into their character Into their character You express what you want And so and and recognize that we humans need to we need to evolve and in a relationship You know, I'm I'm learning even in my own relationship with mary. We're going through some growing pains That's a natural evolution of a relationship. We're going through our own growing pains. I'm learning to trust more She's learning to trust more You know, there's the base remember I said it takes about 100 hours of face to face time just to build the first layer of trust Well, trust are there's probably a dozen layers to build Dozen layers of relationship that happens over time That makes you feel truly safe. I I heard that it takes about three years to fully if three years of a Of a co-creative relationship to feel truly safe with another person You know, the first year is the oh, I did a post. Oh, by the way here I did a post in the group or in I did a survey in YouTube Bear with me one second. I want to find this survey um I said Bear with me. How long should you be dating before a serious commitment is declared? Uh 11 percent said one to two months 51 percent said three to six months 14 percent said seven to 12 months 12 after one year and 13 percent before having sex See, here's the thing about a serious commitment What I mean is a declaration that you're both Committed to exploring this beyond the surface. You're both committed to exploring the relationship After you know from a serious perspective from a long-term perspective, okay Now I'm a big proponent of doing that sooner rather than later within the first one to three months is to become serious about exploring a relationship together, okay It takes about 12 months spending four seasons together to really base Get a base sense of someone if you're spending regular time together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends and it takes about three years to fully trust a person about okay That this person has your best interest at heart. Okay, and that so this is about a time it takes Okay, this is why choosing wisely in the beginning makes a big difference And paying attention to the signs. Is he serious or is he incapable? Is he flaky or is he just not that into you those signs just to repeat again? He makes you a priority early on He actively tries to help you in his life and then he integrates you into his life And he's integrating in your life. Those are great signs. He's serious about you Folks I scream at the top of my lungs because I want to encourage everyone To do things a different way don't allow attraction and attachment To be the basis of entering into a relationship Do it from good judgment and recognizing that if there is a nagging issue at nests must be addressed And many of you find yourself you know Experiencing these virtual relationships Cyber relationships casual relationships, and then you're wondering what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again Expecting different results. I'm here to scream at the top of my lungs. Stop it All right, I just want to give props to um Bear with me one second. I want to give props to um It looks like uh by me says tisha cura darum that means thank you in turkish choke tisha She means much. Thank you in turkish um Thanks so much for that. I really appreciate for those who know my herages My parents are both from is both parents are from istanbul turkey Although I barely speak turkish. I know enough to be dangerous But I really appreciate doing that in my parents tongue. So thank you so much. All right uh Leaf is in the house. She says we're coming up on an hour everyone Please post your question as soon as possible if you'd like an answer from jonathan leaf. You know me so well Actually, this is where i'm getting ready to wrap up. Did this have value for this conversation? Please let me know If you have something to share, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts Also, if you found value in this, please hit the like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel in the show notes There's links to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called midlife love mastery to get my dating vows Ah to follow me on instagram and check out naked discovery naked divorce and also you can get my free gift as well Oh and sunshine says Don't give the milk away for free wait until the he buys All right, I appreciate that everyone i'm going to be wrapping up this videos I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Hey Catherine. Thank you for the super sticker. I really appreciate it. Elena. Thank you jonathan for another great conversation Leaf is in the house sunshine gg pi may Judy l mcdonald vr ld 123 our facebook group deedy Everyone zen gal melissa everyone. Thank you so much wishing you a fab sunday. Be well. Take care. Bye now Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye