 Good evening and welcome to the San Francisco Public Library. I'm Joan Jasper, I'm with the Department of Exhibitions and Public Programs. And thank you, thank you. And welcome to our event tonight, Elect to Laugh with Will Durst. We're really excited to have Will here tonight. And this event is in connection with the exhibit called On the Clock, a playful guide to the working life. And this exhibit features selections from the Schmolawitz Collection, a wooden humor, which is part of the San Francisco Public Library collection. And this exhibit is on the sixth floor and will be on the sixth floor until May 31st. So I hope you all get a chance to go see it because it's a lot of fun upstairs. But right now it's very much my pleasure to introduce to you Will Durst. The New York Times has called Will Durst quite possibly the best political comedian working in the country today. He writes a nationally syndicated humor column and is a frequent contributor to CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and current TV. Although receiving five Emmy nominations and seven consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards stand up of the year, he has never won anything. Not even a toaster. Yeah, imagine that. The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing was taken from the hit Off-Broadway One-Man Show, the same name. And another book was made out of his last one-man show, Elect to Laugh, which ran for 41 weeks in San Francisco. His 800 plus television appearances include HBO, The Today Show, Letterman, Inside Politics, Good Morning America, Showtime, Comedy Central, and the CBS Morning News. Will Durst has been fired by the San Francisco examiner twice, by PBS three times, and he once ran for mayor of San Francisco, spending $1,200, pulling 2% of the vote, meaning on a dollar per vote basis, he is the mayor of San Francisco. Yeah, don't you wish it were true? And against all advice, he continues to put ketchup on his hot dog. Obviously, Will Durst does not eat Chicago dogs. So, Will, sorry, you'll have a hard time at Wrigley Field, but I bet you'd be great on Rush Street, okay? So please help me welcome Will Durst. Yeah, those Chicago hot dogs with that weird neon green relish. That doesn't count. And for Joan Jasper. And thank you, Tenza people, for coming down on a Wednesday night. I'm very excited to be here. I love the library. I think the whole reading thing, I think it's catching on, and I think it's going to become a mainstay in American civilization someday. Not now. My name is Will Durst. I've been here in San Francisco since 79. I moved here because comedy was illegal in Milwaukee, which is where I'm from. That's actually true. Because when they wrote the municipal code for comics, comics were emcees for strippers, like in the 50s. So they wrote them under the same code. So if you wanted to have stand-up comedy, you had to buy a new dancing license. So, exactly. So comedy was illegal in Milwaukee. It wasn't illegal, so it's much better for me. And also, San Francisco, I mean, it is my target demographic. It's people who read or know someone who does. Because it's hard for me to do comedy clubs around the country. You know, I can do certain clubs like D.C. or, you know, I can go back to Milwaukee, maybe Chicago, Seattle, Portland. But, you know, there are some clubs. They don't want any sarcasm or irony. They want their humor up front in good nature. No indigenders, if you please. And, you know, and also, you know, I mean, look at me. I'm 61 years old, you know. The average age of a comedy club is 18 to 35, which was great when it was 18 to 35. But now I go into a comedy club and they stare at me like, why is this bitter old man lecturing me? Is that for bitter old men? Yeah. Well, I'm one of them. But this year is the year after a presidential election. And my career kind of has a sine wave. You know, it's a presidential election. I do well. And then the year after, not so well. You know, I'm looking into jobs as greeters at Walmart. And then next year is a midterm. And then the year after that, they're already running, you know, for the following quadrennial year. So this is the down year where I'm just scampering for work. So whatever you got. No, really. Yeah, because I've created, I've patched together kind of a comedy quilt of a career. I got voiceovers and stand up. I can't do just one thing. So last year I did a left to laugh at the march and we ran. And last year everybody knew about the race. You know, it was wonderful what a cast of characters. Oh, my living guy. Not just me. Even Pat Robertson said that the field of Republican candidates was too extreme. Pat Robertson said that. Which is like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charlie Sheen is driving the van. Oh, but it was just wonderful. It was such, and they played, they played a game of Republican whack-a-mole because they hated Romney. So they tried every, everybody led the polls at one time. Palin, Trump, Bachman, Perry, Christie, Cain, Gingrich, Santorum, they all led the polls at one time. And then they finally, oh, all right. And that's the problem with being a political comedian. This year is a little, you know, it's a little spare. The landscape is, you know, it's one of those late autumn, early winter landscapes. A lot of no leaves on the trees, you know, a little sunlight about last year. And that's the problem with being a political comic, is that it is up and down and in and out and left the whole Katy Perry song. I mean, sometimes there's nothing going on and I'm screwed like now, you know. And the hard part, the real hard part is actually not writing the new stuff. It's getting rid of the old material. Because you get halfway decent at it. And you spend months, you know, crafting and just surgically striking a syllable or perfecting a gesture for a bed. And then boom, you know, with political stuff, it's starting to smell like bad milk so you're going to kick it out of the nest. For instance, my William Howard Taft material doesn't have the same bite. Yeah, he got caught in the tub. He actually did. Reagan was great for comedy. Reagan was a... Well, part of it was Jimmy Carter, he couldn't do jokes about Carter because he was like kicking a puppy, you know. I mean, ooh, honey. But Reagan had a sense of humor about himself. Remember, he was shot. I didn't know he was shot. I don't know about you. I'd like a president with a central nervous system. Single cell animal knows he's been injured. Paramesian go, a little lush like a tropical rainforest. Jay Donforth Quail. His biggest fear was that George Herbert Walker Bush would die in office and the next guy wouldn't keep him on his VP. And that's why I need you guys because I do that joke at a comedy club and it's... like I try to teach a dog chess or something. And the worst part is a second show Friday because every club, you know, Saturday, you know, they slept during the day. They maybe got a little later bedtime. But second show Friday, you know, they got up at 6 or 7. They started drinking after work. I get out at 12 and that's the average age of the crowd. And invariably, there's a... there's a bachelorette party dead stage right. And there's one, you know, one of the 8, 22-year-old girls is wearing a lace penis on her forehead. And I'm trying to do jokes about raising the debt ceiling and it's not fair to her. The format of this little show is I'm going to do my little spiel and then you get the chances to ask questions later on. Nice. Bill Glenn was great for comedy. He still is great for comedy. I mean, you saw him at the convention last year in Charlotte. I mean, he was great. He was built back. And he just laid out the perfect reasons for why we should reelect as President Bill Clinton. Pretty much. Bill, I never hit sexual relations with that woman. He was pointing at Helen Thomas. He meant that woman. Or Hillary Clinton, but he meant that woman. And then there was something that we in the business fondly refer to as the golden age of political comedy for 8 wonderful years. George W. Bush was like a father to me. I know he sucked for the country and the hemisphere and the planet and the solar system and the universe, but for me, he was pure gold. He was like a Reagan and Quill had a kid. He was quaggin. A wheel of fortune president in a jeopardy world. You know, I take little notes and stuff. Oh, good. I need this one. At the end of Bush's second term, I had two, two, three by five cards, both sides full of verbatim quotes from Bush. I didn't embellish a syllable. Just pure quotes. One was, I think we can all agree, the past is over. But my favorite was the problem with the French is they don't have a word for entrepreneur. Who can't make stuff up like this? Obama is tough. Obama is tough. There's no scandals. There's not the hint of a whisper of a shadow of a scintilla of a scandal. Clinton was a corpulent womanizer. Bush had the DUIs and the DTs and the STDs and the ADHD. And Obama is smooth. He's like, he's like shami on chrome. He's got less friction than rayon pajamas on silk sheets and zero gravity. Makes Clinton look like a chunk of concrete wrapped in Velcro dipped in wallpaper paste. No matter what you think of Barack Obama's policies, you got to admire his ability not to get involved in him. Repersuasion here, you know. People laughing and people shaking their heads. That's one of the things that I love about Barack is he pisses off everybody. He does. He pisses off the progressives. They thought he was a progressive only because, you know, he was being compared to George W. Bush. John McCain looked progressive at that point. And so the progressives, they're wearing their disappointment like the debt that chain mail returning crusaders, you know. No, he didn't pass the rainbows in every pantry act. The hottest trying to drag America into the socialist sinkhole that is Canada. So one side sees him as Malcolm X and the other side, Urkel. No, he's a facilitator. They're negotiating stance with Obama is not, not before. Of course, the republic is an actual party, you know. I mean, the Democrats are useless. I'd rather have terra cotta warriors on my side. At least they're all facing the same direction. It's like the problem with Occupy. I believed in Occupy. When it was on Wall Street. But see, the very definition of the term liberal means accepting of many viewpoints. So that's the problem. And you set up an encampment and then the global warming people show up and oh, alright, you can be over here. And then the free Tibet people want a tent. And then the hemp contingent wants to hold an intermediate hacky sack class. And the dolphin free tuna people show up. And once you let them in, you gotta let the tuna free dolphin people in. No judgment. And then the homeless show up because the reggae club is handing out brownies. So, I mean, it dissipates. And that's, of course, the republicans have de-evolved into a single cell amoeba. The tax cut zombies from the planet, no. And all the tax cuts go to the wealthy. Does that make any sense? Dude, you give them money to the rich. The rich have money. That's why they're rich. Give somebody the poor and give the rich a hug. Who wants a government hug? And they always pull out some sort of pointy-headed economist from the Heritage Foundation. Well, obviously you're unfamiliar with the complexity. It is a supply-side economics. The deal is, they give the money to the rich and then they spend it and it trickles downward to the poor. No, they're not going to spend it. They're going to hang on to it. That's how they got rich. You give us poor money, I guarantee. We will blow every damn penny. We get our grubby little hands-on. Why do you think we're poor? Because we spent all our money. We'll be happy to do it again. Just give us half the chance. Of course they can. They just try to get the whole diversion thing. And they're like magicians, you know, pay no attention to the man behind that. He was born in Kenya. What was that? No, he was. He was born in Honolulu, in a manger. We all know that. And then he was visited by the three Howlays. He presented them with gifts of gold, frankincense, and pukashel from Hilo-Hattie. It doesn't matter what he does. They can't give him any credit for any victory. They blame him for everything. They criticize Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program. For Christ's sake, who's pro-obesity? The Husky Casket Corporation? Angioplasty balloons are us? Wisconsin Tourism Board? Don't oom me on that. I'm from Wisconsin. Anybody else from Wisconsin, you can oom me, but my aunts are huge. They are immense behemoth Wisconsin women. They have their own gravitational force. Honest to God. They used to be ordinary bipeds. You would see them on the street. You were not mistaken for anything but a humanoid. But now, just, you go into the kitchen before Thanksgiving dinner, the entire spice rack is in a complex, continuous orbit around their bodies. And I always think, you know, because it's a little slower there and your friends that you had friends 30 years ago, they're still there. And they're still friends with other friends. And here, you know, boom, everything changes so fast, especially in San Francisco, you know. And me, you know, I'm not... I don't live in the real world. I live in San Francisco. I'm married to another comedian, and we don't have kids. I mean, I'm still living in college. I am. I am. Our house is a mess, but there's always beer in the fridge. I mean, that's... So, I mean, this is not a town. This is a 49-square-mile circus in search of a tent. That's what San Francisco is doing. And I love it because we don't care who you are. You know, that's why I go back to Milwaukee. And after a week, you know, I'm thinking, you know, the pace of life here is so... And then, I'll be in a bar. Some guy would be screaming at a TV for 180 degrees of why I would be screaming at the TV. And I realize I could die in a bar fight here. And I love that about San Francisco, that we're the Petrie dish of social change. We are. Everything starts here. And not just good things start here. A couple of bad things. A little overreach here. But all the good stuff starts here. The no smoking thing. The paper thing. You know, the plastic bag thing. Yeah, we are. Sometimes, you know, it can be a little too much. This town. I mean, sometimes you just want a cheeseburger. You don't need it covered in a mango chutney aioli. For $24. It's a lovely roasted sun-dried tomato-bazel reduction. In the Midwest, we call it ketchup. But it's true, we don't care who you are. We don't judge you based on what color or creed or sexual identity. We judge you based on the important thing. What kind of car you drive in our unable to park. In San Francisco, you could be a red-bearded Lithuanian vegan dwarf into golden showers. Come on down. Water is fine. We get a street festival for that. I'm confused by this town to this day. I live in the Sunset District. You can never see the damn Sunset. Because of the fog. Might as well be called the Unicorn District. San Francisco Mime Troop Talks. San Francisco where Halloween is redundant. It's hard being an old guy here, though. 60 wide. You become invisible. You really do. I don't know. If you try going into a coffee shop and just making a joke with the barista, they barista, that's what you call a coffee store clerk. A barista. But they flip out. It's like the furniture walked up and tried to initiate a conversation. Do you smell? And the tattoos. I understand the tattoos. Because every generation has to plant your identity there. And we had the long hair and the blue jeans. But I don't think the kids understand the tattoos. A decision made at the age of 18 in a questionable state of sobriety is not necessarily known for its longevity. The campus deteriorates. That cute little butterfly could grow up to be a pterodactyl. The Unicorn Pratt thing on a rainbow is now a rhinoceros entombed in a striated bob. And the noises you make at the age of 61 are incredible. I mean, some of the noises are, you know, your old man's noises getting out of a chair, you know, the jiggling of the change in your pocket, the master scratching of your balls, which I never knew. For years I heard my dad do this. I had no idea that's what that was about. Words that come out of your mouth. Words that you swore would never pass your lips because, yes, back in my day, no banister to ever have any kid hear me say back in my day. But that's what happens. You hang out with your friends, you know, other old people, or as we call ourselves, a chronologically gifted. And what do you talk about? You talk about politics, you know, who died, can't believe they killed Matthew. They talk about which body parts don't work anymore. You know, typical stuff. And then suddenly somebody will say, you know what the problem with the kids today is? They got it too easy. Back in my day, bottled water, why are they so thirsty? Are they on drugs? We wanted to hydrate, we drank right out of the hose. Seat belts, we didn't have the seat belts. We had the arm. Detroit will never replicate the tensile strength of your mother's arm. Cell phones, what do you need to say? We had a phone in a cell. Took 20 minutes to dial with a rotary dial. Had to remember the number. And it had a word in it. Have caller ID. The phone rang. You had to answer it. It was like emotional roulette. And I'm sure it started with our parents. You know, our parents did it to us. You know? School buses, we had to walk to school. Three miles barefoot through the snow over broken glass uphill both ways in the dark with poisonous bats banking at our eyes. This song has been sung since the dawn of time. You know? The caveman. Wheel, we didn't have no fancy schmancy wheel to play with. We had clumps of dirt and sticks and rodents claws. We were happy to have. Of course, there are some good sides to getting old. There are. There's bright sides. Yes, there is. Funny you should ask. Oh. I can't read it. That's a problem. Oh, okay. And you got to do the mouth thing too. The creaks of your bones keep you alert while driving. Nobody cares when you clip a hash plate to your walker. Still get to do drugs only now there's a copay. Only nine books in your library. Read them in order and then start over. One ear hair long and thick enough that you can cut cheese with it. Your nipple range can double as belt loops. Kenny's going like that. I'm so, so glad that Barack Obama won the presidency except for my career. Because Mitt Romney would have been one. I mean, he ran the worst campaign ever. And that includes France in 39 and New Coke. He was an awful, awful candidate. He lost to a black guy whose middle name is Hussein in a lousy economy. And his staff kept saying, oh, you know the long campaign made him a better candidate. No, all he did for six years was run for presidency. I don't think his learning curve had any more bendy parts. He had the crisp of a plastic picnic fork with three of the tines snapped off. I think he was a let-out dysfunctional, I really think. He would see him at his own rallies and he was uncomfortable. I mean, he would shake his hands at his own rallies and under his breath you could hear icky, icky, icky, icky. You know there was an aid with a pure oil hand sanitizer attached to a 55-gallon drum hosin' him down. Goes to Great Britain and pisses off the entire country. Great. 47% of Americans are moochers and that pissed off his base. 47%? Hell, that's more than half. Of course, he did good in that first debate. Well, 70 million Americans tuned in to that debate. Unfortunately, President Obama was not among them. And I think one of the problems was that Romney was so good at shifting. Say what you will about the man. He felt strongly about both sides of many issues. He was like one of those plastic wind tube dancers you see on the sides of U.S. Carlisle. That's killing me. No, no, no. I don't want your pity. Of course, the vice presidential debate were Joe Biden. But Joe Biden turned into a laughing cell from Playland. Frightening small children. And the vice presidential debate after the first presidential debate. So they needed Biden to stem the bleeding. And he did. And it was dangerous. Because, you know, he's not just a loose cannon. He's a loose aircraft carrier. So, bold choice. That's what they kept calling for it. He's a bold choice. Maybe, but bold? Not always synonymous with good. Whiskey for breakfast is a bold choice. Forehead dragon tattoos. Incredibly bold. Passing an 18-wheeler on a blind curve doing 80 in the rain. Really, really bold. Of course, he's the budget guru. That's what they call him. The budget guru of the GOP. Which, you know, should be an oxymoron. But in both of his budgets, all three of his budgets, and he names them, he gives them cute little names. Pathway to prosperity, road map to the American future. But in all of his budgets he replaces Medicare with vouchers. Coupons. Healthcare coupons. Why? I guess, oh, people love coupons. I can't coupon! Only four more we can book an anesthesiologist. Only three for Kaiser. And then we phase in early bird organ transplants. Somehow get Groupon involved. 55% off your designer colonoscopy but we have to sell 600 by 4 p.m. so tell your friends. So 93 days. So 93 from 365 is 272. In 272 days healthcare will be the law of the land. Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. And I'm glad. I am. I mean, look at me. I'm a schmuck comic. That's what I do. You know, I drop little chuckle pellets and Hamlets all over this Grand Land of ours. It's not like I'm an employee of the SFPL or I belong to the Comics Clowns and Jester's Union. I'm not a member of Congress. So I'm glad I'm glad you caught that. I'm glad healthcare pay. I mean, I understand why people are upset and nervous and leery. I mean, the bill is 2,400 pages long 8,700. They're still not sure. Shouldn't be sure? A lot of stuff can happen in 300 pages. I've read Harry Potter. I still think the third book was the best. Ask a man. The seventh book. He kills Voldemort by talking over the death. I mean, Jesus. Hashtag spoiler alert. I think the sheer length of the bill is what freaked people out. You know, it's what got everybody upset. It's why Congress, you know, the Republicans tried to demonize this bill. It's provisions to kill the elderly. And Democrats didn't immediately go No! No! Because they weren't sure. Also, the guy holding the sign stopped socializing America and hands off my Medicare Dude. That's two different signs. This guy's so opposed to public healthcare. But look, he's obviously been betrayed by the public education system. I think they're going to pay for it with a series of syntaxes. And you know what a syntax is. That's where they find you for using a hyphen when an ellipsis was called for. No! No! No! But I always wanted to do that in the library. No! No! It's when they penalize you for being a bad person. It's attached to tobacco and liquor and fast food. And I gotta be honest, that's me. I smoke and I drink and I eat red meats and I know I'm a bad, bad man. But I'm not stupid. I'm down to four or five cigarettes a day. Because I live in San Francisco. Is that a cigarette? No, it's a joint. Well, it better be! So we're 35 minutes in. I guess. Anybody? Anything? Yes, way back there. What about the protest tonight at Obama's fundraiser down the street at the Gettys? Oh, is he at the Gettys? What's the protest about? Keystone Pipeline. Keystone Pipeline. Are you against it? No, protesters are against it. Oh, sorry, Joan, I didn't give you... Joan Jasper, everybody. So, we are taping this and we're going to put it on our website. So if you have a question, I'll run around and get the microphone to you, okay? Yay, Joan. Yeah, it's a question right here, sir. What is your take on the Board of Supervisors passing an anti-nudity law except for the beta bay race? Well, that's one of the things I love about San Francisco. It is. I mean, have you seen the naked guys when they were wandering around? It wasn't, you know, we're adults and we don't care and they do drive you nuts, though. I mean, I was... because it's not just hanging out in one area, you know. I mean, there's free-range naked people. There are. I saw... I'm down at the American Arrow on a Sunday morning with a naked guy on roller skates. Sunday morning. I had a late Saturday night. It's like nine in the morning. It's before nine because I had to do an interview at KJO at nine and I'm getting out of my car and there's a... Dude, Jesus, no. I didn't ask him if he was involved in an Easter egg hunt. I didn't... Yes, and they were camouflage brown. Do something. Oh, Jesus. He was pissed and he... He shoots past me and he's on roller skates so there's centrifugal motion and slapping noises and... Oh. And I've been down at that little parklets that they created at Castro and Market, you know, that little triangle park and now you can't go down 17th anymore and there's trees and benches and they're always naked guys there and not like, you know, 15 or 20, always two or three, always wearing, all caps because you're worried about sunburn up here. Yeah. Apparently, there's two and a half feet, you know, it's... UV rays can't make it down there but there's always a couple there and the tourists are, you know, gas and they pretend to be shot but then, you know, take a lot of pictures and that's a gaggle of naked people. I don't know what you call the, you know, the plural of naked people. I don't know if it's not a gaggle, it's maybe a dangle. Definitely not a pride. Perhaps a lamentation like of Lark. Exaltation of swans but... And, you know, the problem was they were getting hungry and hanging out and they go in the restaurants or the 7-11 and there was no municipal code against being naked so you couldn't kick them out and the merchants are going, oh, come on, naked people, rest food naked, you know. So weiner. Perhaps I should be... We need a little more background here. Supervisor Weiner. If you're in politics and your name is Weiner, I mean, you get to choose how other people pronounce your name. Owner Boehner thing. Speaking of the house, John Boehner has 11 brothers and sisters. They're all boners. I swear to God, I do not mean this up. His mother's a boner. His father, well, 12 kids. You do the math. So Weiner passed the first law. It was a stopgap law that if you're naked and you went into a restaurant you had to bring your own towel to sit on. It was known alternatively as the Arthur Dent solution and the Skidmarks law. That's what it became known as. Weiner's Skidmarks law. That's, you know, naked people restaurants. So then he just said no. And I agree. Because they're not going to bust anybody unless you go into a restaurant unless somebody complains. And nobody in the street is going to come. So that's... I don't care. Just interesting, you know, how it came to be. But that's what I love about San Francisco. We don't care. So I thought the question is what do you think about airlines charging now by weight? You just thought it yesterday. Are you Samoan? No, sir. No, sir. Well, it's Air Samoa. And listen, if I got two Yasasopo on the plane, you know, I ain't charging them the $39. I'm charging them the $78. So Mama came out with a brain mapping. $100 million spent on brain mapping. And already, Republicans have their anti-brain denier people. They gave themselves a name. They call themselves the GOP. Yes, ma'am. I would love your thoughts on America's Cup coming to San Francisco and how much money we're spending on this sport for billionaires so other billionaires can watch it. You know, San Francisco gets involved in these sports in America's Cup. You know, they're off. Four hours later, they're really a sport for billionaires. And now, because of the worldwide recession, not enough billionaires, apparently. So instead of 18 different teams, now we're down to three. How many people will come in? But at least we get a terminal, a cruise ship terminal out of it. And I think the concerts should disturb the people on Telegraph Hill as much as we get disturbed out in the sunset just now. So, and they're all, the Richmonders, yeah, you poor guys, especially, what do you live on Fulton or something? Oh, baby. Oh, I apologize. And I never go to those concerts. Have you ever been to, what is it, Outland? My God! I'm an adult, I can't do anything! Are there any other questions? And the free one, what's the free one? Oh, Warren Hellman's Yeah, yeah. Jesus. Oh, I think that's good. Yeah, I think that's good that he makes that much money. Because when the revolution comes and we break into his house we'll be able to portion off everybody in San Francisco will get 40 cents. And I want my 40 cents. Yeah, I think the incoming inequality is, you know, I'm a third generation factory rat from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My grandpa worked at Alice Chalmers, my dad, my mom, my stepmom, various cousins, and the whole town was named after Alice Chalmers. We had a town. It was West Milwaukee. And Alice Chalmers were merged together. The name at the time was West Alice. So it was named after, I mean, it was so important to that community. And I think at the time at the chairman of Alice I think he was making maybe 20 times what the average wage worker was making. And now it's like 3,000 times. And it's just not right. It's not right for any of them. B of A. A bunch of assholes. I'm sure I can't say that on television. I apologize. But there's got to be there's got to be a way. Dude just yell it out. And then the people who were in charge of bringing them to trial quit and then go to Wall Street and make it up. And why didn't we prosecute Nixon? Why didn't we prosecute Bush? And you got to feel sorry for Bush. You know, Cheney, you know how Cheney got his gig? He was in charge of the vice presidential search committee for Bush. Best guy in the room, me. So Cheney is the true lizard. Yeah. But, you know, nobody thinks they're the bad guy. You know? Nobody in their mind thinks that they all think that they're doing good for either America. And that's how they, you know, I mean, nobody wakes up in the morning and looks in the mirror and goes, how deep of a reeking heap of steaming feces can I lay today? Everybody, even Hitler had a girlfriend. You know, I mean, nobody thinks they're the bad guy. So, yeah, San Francisco, you know, where they protest Nancy Pelosi. I mean, they don't understand that around the nation that Nancy Pelosi is the evil leftist demon, you know, with the horns. And then we have people here saying, she's not evil enough. You know? And she's not. She's not, because we need that pendulum swing. We need somebody, it's like Michael Moore, say, sometimes, you know, he's a little off, you know, but he is the pendulum swing to Rush Limbaugh. And when you need that, and you need somebody to be the pendulum swing for Cheney, and it's not Kucinich. Yeah, they wouldn't let me in that room. Thank you very much for being here tonight. It's absolutely delightful. I would like to know about what your take is on the NRA's recommendation to have armed guards in school. What's my answer to shootings in school? More guns! I can't believe that we have so much power that the NRA has so much power. And don't get me wrong, here's the pendulum swing in action. You know, I think that NRA has legitimate gripes and then they fly off the rails, you know, just because you're so worried about, but you know, assault weapons, I mean, come on just a couple of years ago they understood and now their feet are being held, I don't know assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. Well, I can see I can see your logic, of course, you can also use a chainsaw to cut butter. If you think about it, a hand grenade will signal the end of recess. You can light a cigarette off of a flamethrower, but and now they're so powerful that they've squashed any research about gun violence. You can't even do research about it. And, yeah, so I think, you know, if Wayne LePierre were shot in the head, you know, that would be a horrible thing, horrible thing, but poetic justice. No, I did a gig with Charlton Heston one time. It was it was like the editorial cartoonist convention and I was a speaker and he was a speaker and it was in Minneapolis, it was right near the end and he was taking then the task because they were always using him as the figurehead. Yeah, he was not very collegial but he knew he was in an adversarial atmosphere, so he read his little thing, he had a teleprompter that was part of the deal, he had to have a teleprompter, he did his thing he flew into Minneapolis, went to the hotel, did his thing, off the teleprompter flew out of Minneapolis Mr. Heston, Mr. Heston Mr. Heston That's freaky. But see, I have the same problem with PETA that I do with the NRA. You know, the people with the ethical treatment of animals, I mean dressing up in giant fish costumes going to elementary schools and prioritizing the kids Don't eat fish, fish have feelings too Oh for Christ's sake What feelings do fish have? Wet, cold Ow, that's it Fish eat fish Fish eat fish That was almost like a song Yes ma'am, oh sorry sir right here, sense of microphone What do you think about our current mayor? You know I heard him speak and he's remarkably lucid I think he's very smart and that's not the impression I've been getting in the press and yet I heard him talk with Chuck Reid, Mayor San Jose and I think Gavin was there and I'm also prejudiced because I worked with Willie Brown and I had a radio show with Willie Brown for a year and I know people love or hate Willie Brown but man he is good he is smooth I mean he's the only guy I know who can enter a revolving door behind you and come out first I don't but he's smart too and Gavin you know I see Gavin all the time at these little things and he pretends to remember who I am but you know he doesn't and you know hi how are you doing good to see a sport or tiger or something it's always got that nickname but the thing I love about Gavin was that when he was running for governor against Jerry Brown and then he didn't have the money but during that little brief six week period someone asked him why don't you run for Lieutenant Governor and he was so candid and he said you know what I don't even know what the job entails and then so he's perfectly qualified to be Lieutenant Governor of the state of California and so I think I think Mr. Ed Lee and how many times you get a mayor with five letters in his name that is so brief so succinct yeah I think he's doing a good job and he's keeping an ego out of it he's able to do that I'm a big Hillary fan I'm looking forward to the next 2016 I'm hoping it's Clinton Bush because I got all these old jokes that I hope to bring back because Jab is threatening to run and I'm working on this a bit I'm doing a little show at The Marsh and this is mostly for the television doing a show at The Marsh it's called Boomer Aging and from LSD to OMG and it's about being a baby boomer and getting old and some of the stuff that I did earlier but I'm doing a bit about Nixon and how when I was born in 1952 Nixon ran for Vice President in 1951 and then in 1956 he ran for Vice President in 1951 and then in 1960 he ran for President and he lost and then in 1962 he ran for Governor of California and he lost and he said you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore and he lied and in 1968 he ran for President saying that he had a secret plan to end Vietnam and he lied but he won and then in 72 Nixon won and then in 73 Spiro Agnew resigned and Nixon appointed his successor and then in 74 Nixon resigned and his successor that he appointed Nixon's shadow jumped in and then in 76 in 10th of the year the Nixon shadow that he appointed ran and lost to Jimmy Carter who was like a Southern JFK without a spine and then in 1980 the Southern JFK without a spine lost to Ronald Reagan who thought he was Nixon in a movie 1984 the guy who thought he was Nixon in a movie won by the biggest landslide ever and then in 1988 George H.W. Bush who was the guy who thought he was Nixon in a movies carbon copy ran and he won and then in 1992 the guy who thought he was Nixon in a movies carbon copy ran and lost to Bill Clinton who was kind of like a Southern JFK with a spine and then in 1996 the Southern JFK with a spine beat Bob Dole who was Nixon's palace guard dog in 2000 the guy who thought he was Nixon in a movies carbon copy son George W. Bush ran and then in 2004 the guy who thought he was Nixon in a movies carbon copy son won reelection and then in 2008 the black JFK with a spine ran and won and in 2016 it's going to be the guy who thought he was Nixon on Jeb versus the Southern JFK with part of a spine's wife Hillary so that's what I'm working on so it doesn't get any laughs but it gets applause if I get it right so that'll be in Boomer Agent and it's every Tuesday at the Marsh any other question lady back there you know what happened when I moved here in 1979 November 4th 1979 and I remember that date because November 4th 1974 was my first time on stage with an actual act and November 4th 1981 I got married so everything seems to happen on November 4th but I moved to San Francisco I immediately started working and then 1980 81 comedy clubs started because there were only in 1980 there were 12 comedy clubs in the entire country in the entire country there were two in San Francisco there were two in New York there were two in Chicago and then there might have been one or you know there may have only been eight okay you know I might be overstating the case and in 1990 10 years later there were 440 comedy clubs in the country Knoxville Tennessee had three full-time clubs Knoxville Tennessee and Cable created that and HBO started I think in 76 or something and they had Carlin something called On Location and it was the first comedy and then they discovered how cheap comedy was you don't have to pay writer's fees you don't have to pay music rights comics are self-contained so they could hire us we would write our own material you know they just have a host and a comic could be the host and so they started putting comedy on cable because the last two towns in America to have comedy clubs were the last two towns in America to get cable and they were Cincinnati and Milwaukee and I was intimately involved in both of those two towns so I followed that and they were the last two towns and then in San Francisco we had 14 full-time clubs within a 90 mile radius there were two in Sacramento and you could work each club twice a year so boom! for me that's 28 weeks so I stayed here and I didn't move to LA and they didn't want to hear political stuff in LA they wanted you to do your they were worried about so many things they were worried about time dating they didn't want a time date or stamp a time into the they wanted to use it you would sign when you set it out and you go on TV they pay you 400 bucks and run it and there's a little writer that comics talk about there's always this writer throughout the universe in perpetuity that's what you sign if you want that check if you want to go on TV so if they discover life on Jupiter and there are comedy fans you still don't get another residual but there was something about comedy in the early 80s and San Francisco is known to be one of the left bank of that era because all the comics that came out of here Paula Poundstone, Bobby Slate so many wonderful names Robin Robin was actually earlier, Robin was late 70s Robin pushed through before there were stages I mean he really was a pioneer I'm sorry Kevin Meany Bob Sarlot Barry Sobel there were so many comics and comics at the time in around the 80s comics were like square pegs and round holes we didn't do it because we thought there was money there was no money in it you did comedy because you had to so you had some incredible characters and I still my wife and I my wife was much funnier than I am which pisses me off not less than somewhat but she's an improviser she's a comedy flusie she's been in every group she guested with the committee when she was still in high school and she was with The Wing and she was with Comedy Underground and Femprough and National Theatre of the Deranged and Spaghetti Jam and Holy City Zoo Play I mean she's just a comedy flusie so she's been around yeah but comedy was like verbal jazz I mean the people who came to the comedy clubs in the early 80s were people who went to rock and roll in the 60s and 70s but they got old enough that they wanted to sit down and hear the lyrics and that's what stand-up comedy was it was verbal jazz and we were just in the late 80s you would go into a comedy club and there was an electricity and part of that was all the radio shows created a little mini stellar system but you would go and the people were excited to be in a comedy club and they would pay money to get into that comedy club and then someone discovered you didn't have to charge a cover that all you needed to do was fill the room and you could make enough money on the four dollar coronas by setting a two drink minimum so they started throwing out passes to people free passes to go into the comedy club and the cachet of the comedy club just boom went down and then the idea was not who was the best comic or who was pushing the art format was who was selling the most beer when they appeared so it all changed in those 10 years and evening at the improv went from once a week to four times a day so they were scraping the bottom of the barrel but man the early 80s it was like it was a plow a new field you know and also you got to remember that the baby boomers had that magic window between 1962 and the introduction of the birth control pill in 1983 with the discovery of AIDS so you think of that we hit primetime puberty during that magic window where everybody got laid everybody in the world got laid Henry Kissinger got laid Ernest Borgman got laid George Herbert Walker Bush got laid everybody got laid and that was going on and then cocaine reared its ugly head and then money money came in and so yeah in San Francisco you guys were treated and I was lucky enough to be part of oh it's all cyclical the kids come in the kids come in and they change it it's much more confessional now it's more about me and being part of the community oh there's so many good comics out there I always love Stephen Wright I still think Bobby Slayton is one of the best pure stand ups I love Lewis Black not a big fan of the guy on HBO there's so many Greg Proups might be the funniest human on the face of the planet no but they put in their chops and if you notice all those TV shows that lasted you know like Tim Allen and Robin and all those shows all those comics have been working on the road for like 10 15 years Ray Romano you know before they got their TV shows and now and this is the lament of every aging kind of these kids today you know they don't have their chops it's just different it's not better or worse it's just different we have to end it selling a book it's called elect to laugh it's not the best book in the world but it's got a great cover and it's only 10 bucks and I got about 8 of them if you want to buy it otherwise you can go to Amazon and get it probably I think if you're a prime member it's free so don't worry about it let's hear it for Will Ders thank you guys so much thank you all for coming and thank you again