 The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gilded Sleeve. The Great Gilded Sleeve is brought to you partially transcribed by the Kraft Foods Company. Kraft, makers of the one and only Miracle Whip salad dressing. We say one and only because there just isn't any other salad dressing like Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different, and it tastes different. Miracle Whip tastes so good it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. More Miracle Whip is sold than the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Try it. Make your salads better tasting with the one and only Miracle Whip. Well, living next door to the Great Gilded Sleeve has its advantages for his niece, Marjorie. Yesterday, for instance, she had to go out shopping, so she got birdie to sit with her small twins. Of course, it's pretty hard for a wonderful housekeeper like birdie to do nothing but sit. Gee, I can never thank you enough for what you did, birdie. Oh, I didn't do nothing, Miss Marjorie. I just sat with the twins. Unky, when I came home, birdie had done my laundry. Oh, that's so? Oh, birdie didn't do nothing. She just sat with the twins. And she ironed some things so beautifully. Things that I never seem to do right. Well, that's birdie. Birdie didn't do much but sit with the twins. And on top of that, do you know what else she did? She cleaned my entire house. Well, birdie's a jewel. Oh, birdie did do nothing but sit with the twins and do a little washing and ironing and cleaning. You know what? Birdie is a jewel. I've never seen anyone so competent and with such a wonderful disposition. Oh, my dear, don't forget I babysit for you once in a while. Because when I babysit, I just sit. Oh, Unky. But I guess I've lost my job to birdie. Gee, I wish we had somebody like birdie all the time. Oh? She's so crazy about the twins and they simply adore her. Yeah, birdie loves children. I know how she always was about you and Leroy when you were growing up. She probably misses that contact with youngsters. Well, if she ever leaves you and Leroy, I hope she comes to our house. Has birdie said anything about leaving us? Oh, of course not. It's just an idea. It's probably not a bad one. What? Well, it hadn't occurred to me, but chances are you need birdie more than we do. Now that Leroy is growing up. Well, now, Unky, I wouldn't think of taking her away from you. No, no, that's not dismissed the idea just because it has merit. Now you forget I mentioned it. Oh, she was so cute when I came home. She was singing Ronnie and Linda to sleep. Yeah, birdie's pretty handy with a lullaby. Hmm, she can shake the rafters, too. George, I hadn't thought about birdie going to Mildrey until Mildrey mentioned it. In fact, I don't think she meant to say anything. Probably just slipped out. Of course, birdie'd never bring up the subject. I wonder if I've been blind to the situation. Hello, P.D. Hello, Mr. Gemsley. What can I do for you today? P.D., I need a new shaving brush. Very well. I have some genuine badger bristles I haven't unpacked yet. I'll get them. What's that squeaking noise? That's my new shoes. I wonder if you had live badgers back there. Let's open the box and find out. Oh, my goodness. No, nothing in here but shaving brushes. I'll take one, P.D. Very well, one badger brush it is. And I need some shaving cream. Lather or brushless? What do you think? I just bought a brush. You don't have to get in the lather. That was a little whittler scissor, Mr. Gildersleeve. Brush, lather. May I have my shaving cream? Okay. What a squeaky druggist. If you don't mind, Mr. Gildersleeve, I hear enough about those shoes at home. Oh, Mrs. Beebe was complaining about the squeak and she mentioned it once too often. She did, eh? I said, Mrs. Beebe, that's when I call her when I'm a myth. What do you call her when things are sailing smoothly? I call her Mrs. Beebe. That way she can't tell whether I'm a myth or not. So I said, Mrs. Beebe, a woman may wear the pants in her family, but there's one thing she can't do. She can't wear a man's shoes. What'd she say to that, P.D.? I didn't wait to hear. I squeaked right out of the house. I'll bet you did. Well, let's be all, Mr. Gildersleeve. I guess so. Oh, by the way, Marjorie was in yesterday. I don't see much of her. Well, the twins keep Marjorie pretty close to home. But things may be different soon. She may have Birdie. How's that? Marjorie let it slip that she'd like to have Birdie. And I suspect Birdie would like to be over there taking care of the twins. Well, that could be. But what would happen at your house? Well, it might be a little hard on Lee Roy, but he's a big boy now. What about you? I won't stand in the way, P.B. Well, I mean, how would you get along without help? I don't have to have help, P.B. I'm self-sufficient. You don't say. A man can do the necessary things around the house? Yeah. It wouldn't hurt if men relied more on themselves instead of on the women. Yeah, that could be. In fact, if a man puts his mind to it, he can get along without women. You know, I wouldn't say that. I think I'll talk to Lee Roy about this thing. Of course, we have Birdie to consider. But I am sure she'd like to go over to Marjorie's. Okay. You saying that? Birdie, I'm home. Well, she's on the phone. I put him in the top-year old Roy in the twins' room. Uh-oh. She's talking to Marjorie. Oh, Miss Marjorie. I had just the most wonderful time over there yesterday. That little Ronnie is so cute. Let me know when you want me over there again, and Birdie will come and run it. Well, this is a good time as any to have that talk with Lee Roy. Yes, ma'am. Here. Here. Pretty obvious to me now. Birdie belongs at Marjorie's. Lee Roy. Have a little talk with you. Yeah? Yeah, I think I'll sit down beside you, my boy. What? On the grass? Yeah, that'll have to make it grow and then knock yourself out cutting it down again. Well, it doesn't the way you put it. When I grow Eskimo. Eskimo, huh? Living an igloo and fish through a hole in my front yard. That'll be the life. Yes, yes. No lawn to mow in the summer. No ashes to haul in the winter. Just poke them down a hole. Lee Roy, let's be serious a minute. Okay. What do you want to talk to me about, uncle? My boy, how would you feel about Birdie going over to Marjorie's? Well, she's over there half the time now. You know, I mean, moving over there is a permanent thing. Yeah? As long as she wants to stay. Forever. Oh, gosh. What would we do? We could manage. I wouldn't know how to get along with our Birdie. Well, I know she practically raised you, but the twins need her now. Oh, so they're behind this. Lee Roy, this is my idea. Yeah? Well, I better not say what I'm thinking. My boy, it's always difficult to accept change, but we're men now. You and I can have a lot of fun together. How? Well... Cooking over a hot stove? We eat out a lot. You always like to go out for dinner? Sometimes we go out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah? Oh, boy, I'd have chocolate sodas for breakfast. What a way to start the day. Well, naturally, we couldn't eat out all the time. Once in a while, we'd eat at home. How about the cleaning? How about the dust and the sweeping? Who's going to clean this big old house? Lee Roy, it isn't so big. Looks pretty big all of a sudden. Well, we really wouldn't need a place this size. We might rent it and take an apartment and make money on the deal. Raise my allowance? Anything is possible. What do you think, my boy? Well... In an apartment, you wouldn't have any grass to cut. You sold me. Good. Let's go talk to Birdie. Birdie wants to go. Well, I'm just putting two and two together. As you say, she's over at Marjorie's half the time, and Marjorie expressed a wish for somebody like Birdie. Pretty obvious to me. Yeah. Of course, Birdie would never leave if she felt we needed her. We'll have to convince her we can get along without her. I don't know about this, but let's get it over with. We'll just let her know that she shouldn't feel obligated to stay with us. Birdie. Hello, Miss Gilles, please. Hi. Hello, Lee Roy. Birdie, we've been taking things over. Haven't we, Lee Roy? Yeah. Yes, sir? In fact, we've given quite a lot of thought to it. Yeah. But it's more on the side there than mine. Lee Roy, let's stick together. Okay. What have you two been thinking about? Well, Lee Roy and I are pretty self-sufficient. Yes, sir? Aren't we, Lee Roy? I don't know. We haven't tried it yet. Confounded, Lee Roy? What have you two tried? Well, what I'm getting at is, if you'd like to go over and live with Marjorie, don't feel obligated to remain here. Mr. Gilles, when did you get the idea I want to go over to Miss Marjorie? Birdie, you're not fooling me. I know how fond you are of the twins. Yes, sir, but I... Oh, Birdie, don't pretend this is a new idea to you. We have to face these things. Don't we, Lee Roy? Yeah. But, Mr. Gilles, what would you and Lee Roy do? Oh, don't worry about us, Birdie. Lee Roy and I are perfectly independent. Yes, sir. What's so funny about that? Mr. Gilles, Birdie wouldn't think of leaving you here because you're the most dependent, independent I ever saw. Oh, Birdie. I got a life-size picture. You're shifting for yourself, Lee Roy, because you're the most dependent, independent I ever saw. All right, Birdie. Mr. Gilles, you know why Birdie wouldn't leave here. Birdie. Because you're the most dependent. Birdie's hard to budge. The Great Gilles' Leave will be back in just a minute. You good cooks wouldn't dream of making your favorite cake from that prized recipe of yours and then spoiling the results by frosting it with anything less than your best frosting, would you? And neither would you want to fix a luscious salad and use just any salad dressing on it. You want the finest salad dressing, one that'll add to the goodness of your salad, make it even more delicious. That's why so many good cooks insist on miracle whip salad dressing. Miracle whip has a truly marvelous flavor, a lively, teasing flavor that's just sharp enough. A flavor you can depend on to add worlds of taste appeal to even a simple salad. It's a different flavor too, one no other salad dressing has. Because miracle whip is a special kind of salad dressing made from a secret craft recipe. Miracle whip actually combines the best qualities of good old-fashioned boiled dressing and fine rich mayonnaise. And what a texture miracle whip has. It's creamy, thick, and smooth as can be because this dressing is blended carefully with special craft beaters. The very first time you try miracle whip, you'll know why it's become the most popular salad dressing ever created. Why it outsells the next 20 leading brands of salad dressing combined. Get a jar of smooth, delicious miracle whip from your grocer tomorrow and enjoy a summerful of the most wonderful salads you've ever tasted. Salads made with the one and only miracle whip salad dressing. Well, the great Gildersleeve has a notion that Bertie will be much happier over at Margeries. He gave her a gentle push in that direction and became a little miffed when Bertie laughed at the idea. But our water commissioners still determined to make the sacrifice. I'll have to be a little more firm about this Leeroy. Yeah, I got the feeling Bertie didn't take you seriously. She didn't give me a chance to explain why we don't really need her. Let's give up on. No, sir. If we can just get her to go to Margeries and give us a chance to prove we can get along without her, she'll stay. You come along, Leeroy. Okay. Bertie. Delegation up to now. We've been thinking about this thing. You've been thinking again? Yeah. And it isn't very flattering to have you feel that we can't shift for ourselves. No, sir. Well, I'd like to suggest that you go on over to Margeries and Leeroy and I'll surprise you. Mr. Gilleslead, Miss Marger always calls me if she wants me. I know that's what she says. Why don't you just run over there and leave things here to Leeroy and me? Bertie, this is a serious matter. Frankly, we plan to rent this house to somebody. Rent this house? Yes, a little large for Leeroy and me. We plan to take a small apartment. You do? You see, things are different now, Bertie. Yes, sir? Leeroy's growing up and we don't really need you. Well, the way Margerie does. No, sir. She'll be delighted to have you and you'll be happy over there with the twins. Won't you, Leeroy? Yeah. And once the move is made, everybody will realize it's all for the best. If you'd say so, Mr. Gilleslead. Sure. Give it a try, Bertie. Start this afternoon. This afternoon? Why not? You'll be a wonderful surprise for Margerie. Mr. Gilleslead, I ain't done all my work over here, yeah? Never mind that, Bertie. And who's going to fix your lunch? You or Leeroy? Well, P.V., I guess. Come on, Leeroy. So, you see, Leeroy, it isn't going to be so bad. No, I guess not the way you put it. Good. Now, how about a movie this afternoon? No kidding? No kidding. We've done a good turn for Margerie, the twins, and Bertie, and let's celebrate. Oh, boy. Aren't you, Mr. P.V., a movie downtown? When we get out, it'll be time to go to another restaurant. Yes, sir. How about a big steak dinner somewhere? Well, we can do as we please. We'll see how we feel about it. Yeah. Well, do as we please. Hello, P.V. Hi, Mr. P.V. Well, hello, Mr. Gilleslead. Leeroy, what can I do for you? How about a little lunch, P.V.? Yeah, I'm starved. Well, what do you want, Leeroy? Well, it's off with a chocolate soda. My, my. Now, I'll have a couple of cheeseburgers, some french fries, and a double banana split. Leeroy, are you sure you want a double banana split with your cheeseburgers? You should order something to drink. Okay, I'll have another chocolate soda. You don't eat like that at home. Bertie would never approve. Heck, Bertie's gone to Marger's. Bertie made the move, did she? Yeah, but it was hard to convince her that Leeroy and I could get along alone. Doesn't look like you're getting along alone. What? You're getting along with the help of P.V.'s soda fountain. What will you have, Mr. Gilleslead? Well, let's see. How's your merchant's lunch today? Well, I haven't heard any merchant complain. Good. That could be because I haven't served as any merchant's bill. To make it three cheeseburgers, P.V. Very well. What would you have to drink, Mr. Gilleslead? Well, when I'm at a fountain, I'm always tempted to have a malted milk. Vanilla, please. Very well. By the way, the price on malted is a little misleading. Oh? They're 35 cents now instead of 30. P.V., why don't you change the price on your menu? Well, if they don't move at 35, I'll just have to change it back to 30 again. Heating lunch out is pretty expensive, Leeroy. Yeah? We've ordered $2.45 worth already. Don't forget $0.08 for the governor. Yes, yes. It was going to mount up, and dinners are more expensive than lunches. Hey, where are we going to eat dinner, Aunt? At home. That's what he said, Miss Margin. I wasn't going to argue with him, so I just came on over here. Poor Anki. He has a knack for trying to do the right thing in the wrong way. Yes, ma'am. He practically pushed Bertie right out the door. Anki should know I'd never take you away from over there. Bertie, you just stay here a couple of days until he's good and sorry. Oh, it won't take that long. Huh? Bertie's going to be missed sooner than that. What do you mean? Well, with Mr. Gilsey and Leeroy, they go looking for their clothes, they're going to find a lot of holes in their socks. Oh, Bertie, you didn't do the manding? Mr. Gilsey was so anxious to get me over here, I didn't have time to do nothing. I can just see him trying to get along without you. Miss Margie, who do you suppose will sew on their buttons when they fall off? I can't see Anki or Leeroy doing it. No, ma'am. They're going to be a couple of bachelors without buttons. I wonder where Bertie keeps the frying pan. I don't know, Anki. You think Bertie deliberately hid things around here? Oh, here. Here's the frying pan. Heat it up, Leeroy. Gosh, imagine having to cook our own dinner. No, my boy, you're a boy scout. You should know how to cook. I don't know how to cook in the house. I'm just teaching a cook out in the open. Well, open all the windows and get busy. The one thing I really know how to cook. Yeah? Bacon and eggs. Bacon and eggs for dinner? Bacon and eggs. Over a corn steak. And into the spirit of this. Oh, sure. Yeah, let's see. I better break the eggs in the pan. Oops. Missed the pan. The paper towel. Okay, gosh. You do the K.P. Clean up, my boy. What? Hey, this egg isn't working. It's all oversight. Yeah? I forgot to grease the pan. I better pour some water on it and put it out. Well, I see this cooking isn't going to work. We can't do that. And I'll tell you what we can do. Yeah? We can eat out again. No, you're cooking. But before we go, we should clean up the kitchen. Get busy with the pots and pans. Oh, gross. What would you suggest doing with the dirty dishes? Break them? We won't go to any if I don't find a clean shirt with all the buttons on it. Unlike very... Well, you have an idea there. At the dime store, they sell little darning kits. Oh, fine. We can sit and end in our clothes while watching television. Oh, sorry. Uncle, you realize we're going to have to go through this every day? Not necessarily. When we look for our little apartment, we'll try to find one with maid service. Gosh, I've kind of forgotten about moving. That's one of the things you were looking forward to, my boy. The apartment. No grass to mow, remember? Well, if we take an apartment, we'll be moving out of this neighborhood, won't we? Well, yes. Let's go to dinner. We'll be farther away from Orange and Bronco and the Twins and Birdie? Yeah, that's right. Get your coat, my boy. I don't think I want any dinner. You don't want any dinner? All of a sudden, I'm not so hungry, young. Oh? All of a sudden, I don't feel so good. I think I'll go to bed. Leeroy, what's the matter? I sort of got a chill. Well, you climb into bed. I'll get the hot water bottle. Okay. Well, let's see. Where is the hot water bottle? Luckily, the water's good and hot. How do you feel now, Leeroy? Better hurry. Yeah. Here, my boy. Put this in bed with you. Okay, but I doubt if it'll help. Oh, Birdie, young. You think so? Where do you hurt? Well, let me see. Kind of all over, I guess. I got chills. Spots before my eyes. Oh, my goodness. Stay away, Leeroy. Don't move. Oh! Hey, Mr. Guilty. I'm taking it now, Birdie. Where's my boy? In his little bedroom. Leeroy. Who's that? It's me, Leeroy, Birdie. Oh, hello, Birdie. It's nice of you to come. Let me see that thermometer. Okay. What do you think, Birdie? A hundred and ten. A hundred and ten? Mr. Guilty, this thermometer says a hundred and ten. Yeah, we better call a doctor. No, Birdie's soup, I'd pull through. Well, Birdie'll go make you some soups. Well, Birdie. Yes, Leeroy? While you're in the kitchen, could you fix some fried chicken and some of your potato salad and maybe a big piece of cheesecake? Oh, my goodness. Boy, you ain't sick. Let me see that thermometer. Uh-oh. Mr. Guilty, Leeroy had that thermometer stuck in the hot water bottle. Birdie's back. The Great Guilty will be with us again in just 30 seconds. Mmm, there's just nothing like good potato salad. And there's nothing for good potato salad like miracle whip salad dressing. Just try it. See what a wonderful peppy flavor miracle whip gives that salad. It's a different flavor one no other salad dressing has. See for yourself how delicious miracle whip is in potato salad and on gelatin salads, fruit salads, and meat and seafood salads, too. Get it tomorrow, the one and only miracle whip salad dressing. Yeah, I certainly am lucky. Birdie didn't take me up when I suggested she move to my trees. Oh, what a dinner she prepared this evening. Well, I guess I'll relax and read the paper knowing the house is in good hands again. Excuse me. Yes, Birdie? Oh? This whole thing is said, Birdie, to wonder if you know how busy she keeps around here. Oh, yes, indeed, Birdie. I'm well aware there are a lot of things that have to be done. Yes, sir. And Birdie even does a lot of things you may not be aware of. Well, that could be. It just ain't everybody who could run this place. Well, I'm sure you're right. I not only do the housework and the cooking, I save on the cleaning bills. Yes, indeed. And on the laundry bills. Yeah, I know. You help in many ways. Yes, sir. There's a thousand things around here nobody can do like Birdie. Well, we appreciate it, Birdie. And now that you bring it up, how would you like an extra $5 a week? Mr. Gilseve, I didn't come in here for a raid. You didn't? Well, I came in to point out how cooperative I can be. Oh. But I accept the money. Birdie will cooperate there, too. Oh, well, she's worth it. Good night, folks. The Great Dildo's Lead is played by Willard Waterman. The show is written by John Elliott and Andy White. It starts with John Sharp. Included in the cast are Walter Shetley, Ellie Randolph, Mary Lee Robb, and Dick LeGrand. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Heaston saying good night for the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of Kraft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next week and every week throughout the summer for the further adventures of The Great Dildo's Lead. Delicious cold cuts for lunch and or supper make a welcome change of pace from the hot meals you've been serving. Easy to fix, too. But here's a tip. Be sure there's delicious Kraft prepared mustard on the table. Because when you add a little mustard, you add a lot of tang. There are two kinds of Kraft mustard, mild Kraft mustard, so smooth and delicately spiced, and Kraft mustard with snappy horseradish added to give it extra zip. Keep both kinds on hand for different tastes. Next time, get Kraft prepared mustard.