 There is a new extensive update to the website and the Android app That contain the transcripts to all my videos on YouTube all 1400 of them the website is Vaknin-talks.com Vaknin talks and talks and talks Will this guy ever stop talking? this author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited a former visiting professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of sea ups poor sea ups Okay Shoshanim-ch-mad-mad-dot Look it up. Today. We're going to discuss hate bombing. Yes, not love bombing, but hate bombing The opposite of love bombing The Antonin if you wish it's a very interesting phenomenon Which serves to expose some dynamics of narcissism? long Neglected by self-styled experts online and even by scholars offline Here's the thing The borderline has too many emotions Her emotions are too strong too powerful for her her emotions of a well run drawn her dysregulate her the Narcissist has too many cognitions Especially distorted cognitions such as grandiosity the narcissist cognitions Overwhelming drown him dysregulate him so remember this equation borderline dysregulated emotions Narcissist dysregulated cognitions before I proceed I Anticipate your comments he Equals she Everything I say applies to male and female Narcissist the same way the dynamic is identical 50% of all narcissists are women nowadays quite an accomplishment Bravo feminism Okay enough with politics Vaknin get to the point if you are capable of it so the point is That when your cognition overwhelms you when you are a cognitive animal When you have no positive emotions to tap when you are unable to access positive emotions then anything Can fit into your cognition you can think about anything Anything could become a reason for bragging boasting the narcissist is proud of Things which would make other people cringe or flinch And yet the narcissist finds these things events in his past Alleged talents or sensible skills and so on so forth he finds these things reasons for pride is proud of them That this is known as locus of grandiosity So the narcissist for example can be proud of being the ultimate victim Can be proud of being the most amazing criminal Can be proud of having failed consistently or Having brought on the biggest bankruptcy in the history of his country all these are reasons to be proud All these are lucky of grandiosity the locus of grandiosity is anything any event any environment any person any place any Accomplishment any failure any trade any behavior any action any decision any choice any source of supply anything Absolutely anything that sets the narcissist apart That renders the narcissist unique and special at least in his own eyes So The locus of grandiosity Is the key to deciphering and decoding the narcissist behavior And I want today to discuss a very a very unique locus of grandiosity very rare But still there The vast majority of relationships with narcissists Start with a process known as love bombing now love bombing is not grooming As usual Self-styled experts online confuse the two and make a mess and a hash of things Grooming is limited to minors And is usually the purvey and behavior of psychopaths and sexual predators, especially sexual sadists So this is grooming you cannot groom an adult only a minor only a child But love bombing So most relationships start with love bombing where you're the focus of attention Where you can do no wrong Where you are being idealized Where you are perfection rafi We are the most drop dead gorgeous and hyper intelligent person to have walked the earth, etc, etc This is very flattering and very addictive. This is love bombing However, sometimes Relationships with narcissists start with hate bombing hate bombing the narcissist is full of scorn of content of derision The narcissist criticizes you Chastises you castigates you humiliates you berates you demeans and degrades you At the very beginning of the religion long before there's anything to share The very first interactions the first text message the first chat on a dating app The first in exchange or intercourse to use a 19th century word the first exchange on a social media website The first video the first photo the first text message They are negative This kind of narcissists puts you down From the first moment he establishes not only his superiority But equally your inferiority your inadequacy So this narcissist Emphasizes leverages brainwashes you into believing That you are a bad object and worthy possibly ugly stupid grandiose and arrogant helpless hopeless A loser and so on so forth. This is hate bombing the mirror image of love bombing and amazingly hate bombing does lead To relationships with narcissists does result in the formation of a shared fantasy this is of course When the counterparty with a potential intimate partner or friend They are masochistic self-hating Self-loathing and self-rejecting the narcissist becomes an externalized interject a voice that confirms Supports buttresses and hances and magnifies the bad object Inside the potential partner or friend or whatever child Spouse and so on so We have two types of shared fantasy the most common type starts with idealization The less common type so idealization through love bombing the less common type starts with evaluation actually through hate bombing now these The the letter type of shared fantasy this second type of shared fantasy, which no one seems to discuss I believe this is the first video ever made about this kind of Launching of a relationship so Usually these are malignant psychopathic and sometimes sadistic narcissists The locus of grandiosity of the malignant psychopathic and sadistic narcissists Is that he is invulnerable He has no vulnerabilities. He has no weaknesses. He has no chinks in the armor He cannot be destabilized or hurt He cannot be affected He cannot be infected He is Godlike. He is fireworn From the slings and arrows of cruel time and cruel people He is invulnerable He is unemotional. So this kind of narcissists Brags and boasts about not having emotions He says I have no emotions to speak of therefore I'm immune to the vicissitudes ups and downs and dysregulation of other people I'm much more resilient I'm much stronger I'm empowered by my unemotionality and invulnerability These kind of narcissists are incapable of attaching. They have flat attachment not insecure attachment Insecure attachment implies an attempt to attach which constantly fails approach avoidance This kind of narcissists doesn't even try to approach He is again proud He is being glorious He's proud of his lack of attachment He says I never get attached I never fall in love I never bond And this is a source of my strength I am a lone wolf Because I'm utterly self-sufficient I need no one I care about no one No one can pull at my heartstrings No one can blackmail me emotionally No one can inflict pain on me No one can compromise me in any way shape or form He regards people as a kind of malware computer viruses if you wish So invulnerable unemotional unattached incapable of getting attached or bonded And therefore immune Immune to the world Immune to life itself Immune to other people Rigid And heartlessly Callously cruel Although sometimes this cruelty or sadism are disguised as altruism When the malignant psychopathic narcissists in question Is of the prosocial Or communal Variety and I encourage you to watch the videos about prosocial communal hypermoral Narcissists rigidly moral narcissists So let's summarize this section. It's not easy to wrap your mind around Typical narcissists Start with love bombing They idealize you and then they launch a shared fantasy And then they introduce you Coercively or not Into the shared fantasy the cajol you they persuade you They charm you They and they cause you to become a figment or an element in the shared fantasy. This is what 97% of all narcissists do 3% of narcissists known as malignant psychopathic or sadistic narcissists They don't start by idealizing. They don't love more. They hate more They start by devaluing Exactly the opposite And they cater To your self destructiveness Self rejection self hatred self loathing self defeat They become The scourge of god they they're kind of a punishment inflicted on you by the universe itself You're spiraling down and they're there to push you over the edge over the cliff. Forgive me for mixing my metaphors Now these types of narcissists are proud The grandiose the arrogant about the feel superior because They regard themselves as invulnerable I don't care about anyone and anything. I don't need anyone or anything. I'm not dependent on anyone or anything I'm unemotional. I never attach I am rigid I'm heartless When necessary, I'm abrasive and cruel If this type of narcissists is also prosocial or communal They transform all these into advantages into merits They say for example My cruelty is a kind of tough love I'm being altruistic. It's for your own good. That's all but the fact is That they embark upon a shared fantasy Which is destructive to you Sadistic in the sense that they enjoyed the pain that they inflict on you And a shared fantasy The whose main target whose main goal Is to devalue humiliate modify degrade demean and berate you Put you down essentially This kind of narcissists are transaction now All narcissists regard other people as useful tools in both senses of the word tool They regard other people as collateral damage The narcissist perceives his life in the environment as a battlefield There's a war going on between the narcissists and the rest of humanity It's a zero sum game The narcissist's win is other people's loss And so the narcissist Needs to ascertain that he has the upper hand He regards other people as useful instruments or collateral damage in this ongoing warfare The impact that the narcissist has on other people's lives Is perceived by the narcissist Is a mere by-product or side effect of the pursuit of grandiosity affirming narcissistic supply Sadistic supply or even self-supply Sometimes the narcissist has a beneficial impact on other people's lives If the narcissist is a healer a guru a teacher They may end up having very good effects Benevolent effects Impacts long-term on other people's lives But even this is perceived by the narcissist as a by-product a side effect There's no motivation or intention to help people The narcissist does everything in order to obtain narcissistic supply period When the narcissist is pro-social and communal because it's because these are Easier ways the path of least resistance to obtaining supply. That's it If he If he becomes a fixer or a rescuer or a savior or a healer or a guru or a teacher or a mentor It's just because because it's the easiest way to garner and harvest narcissistic supply Narcissistic supply, sadistic supply or self-supply These are the only things that have any meaning in the narcissist's life And people are dispensable interchangeable meaningless insignificant others This applies to all narcissists So when you talk to the narcissist imagine the following dialogue Do you care about me? Narcissists I do I care a lot about you Why you ask why do you care about me and the narcissist answers? Because you are useful to me. I like your company. You help me. You service me You solve my problems. You're here for me, etc. You're useful to me And then you ask, okay But don't you have any emotions for me when you see me or something? Don't you don't you react emotionally? The narcissist says proudly I don't have emotions. I don't do emotions I do relationship maintenance I do business I do give and take Motions Are for wizards emotions are for dumb people emotions or weaknesses and vulnerabilities And I'm godlike. I'm invulnerable. I'm strong. I'm resilient I'm all powerful or nipotent. I'm all knowing So you ask Why do you stay in touch with me? And the narcissist responds I owe you And I repay I always repay my debts because I'm much more moral than other people Plus you could still be useful in the future So it's a kind of hedge a kind of insurance policy These are typical narcissistic. This is a typical narcissistic mindset This is not unique to any variant of narcissism. Not it's not that It's only cerebrals only somatics only converts only or words Or only malignant or only sadistic. No, they all they all shared the same attitude to people People are objectified dehumanized and treated as pawns on the chessboard of the narcissist's life On his constant striving and craving for narcissistic supply But There is something unique when it comes to malignant psychopathic and sadistic narcissists Their world is inverted now The narcissist world Is sufficiently distorted To be vertiginous sufficiently Upside down topsy-turvy To cause vertigo To to render you dizzy Now imagine that the malignant narcissists or the sadistic narcissists Their world as an is an inversion of the narcissists distorted an inverted world Can you go there? Can you even contemplate this? Can you conceive of this? It's really Outlandish out of this world And so Whereas The typical narcissists regard you as a utility as useful in some way in one way or another I'll eat you allow him to idealize himself You collide you collude with him in the shared fantasy You're providing with sex with services with supply sadistic or narcissistic with with safety You are there you always present you fulfill a maternal role This is a typical narcissists Narcissists react they're reactive To these offerings to these gifts that you carry And they bond with you They create with you A shared something known as a shared fantasy. It is shared after all. It's a kind of occult It's a collusion or collaboration takes two to tango. This is the typical narcissists And the typical narcissists starts off By convincing himself That he's falling for you that is in love with you or that he has affection for you or that he Somehow understands you so he resonates with you empathically He provides you with sakura He's on your side. He has your back and so so the typical narcissists starts off with love bombing Which leads to a fantasy where both of you are united Both of you are symbiotically merged and fused against the world against all other people Then the malignant narcissists the psychopathic narcissists the sadistic narcissists Their shared fantasy Is totally inverted It's a mirror image of the typical narcissists shared fantasy Malignant psychopathic sadistic narcissists starts off um initiate the relationship With devaluation and discard It's like the shared fantasy is is reversed in time. It's like time to travel The malignant psychopathic sadistic narcissists starts By devaluing you Insulting you humiliating you shouting at you attacking you berating you demeaning you heaping scorn on you Holding you in contempt and uttered ostentatious disdain putting you down and so on so forth devaluation And then discards you he blocks you on social media If even before you have met And he does it consistently. So it's as if the shared fantasy is reversed in time The malignant psychopathic narcissists starts with devaluation and discard Why is that? because remember the malignant psychopathic and sadistic narcissists Are goal oriented all psychopaths are goal oriented And the vast majority of sadists are psychopathic. So there's goal orientation there What is the goal of the shared fantasy? Do you remember? The goal of the shared fantasy Is to reenact early childhood Failed separation individuation. The narcissist has failed as a child To separate from the mother to become an individual Now he needs you to act as a maternal figure from which he can separate Successfully and become an individual grow up become an adult So this is the aim of the shared fantasy. This is the end point. This is the goal of the shared fantasy The psychopathic narcissists see is no reason Not to go directly to the goal He doesn't understand why he has to go through a whole convoluted Long-winded shared fantasy If the goal is devaluation if the goal is separation and the only way to obtain separation Is via devaluation If he has to devalue the potential intimate partner in order to obtain separation He says to himself, let me start with the devaluation Why need to go through phases like love bombing that have nothing to do with the devaluation Nothing to do with the separation I need to get to the point. I don't have time I don't want to waste my resources which are scarce anyhow I don't want to invest. I don't want to commit. I don't want to cut effect. I don't want to You know put an effort into this I need you to act as my maternal figure Because I need to separate from you and in order to separate from you. I need to devalue you. So I'm going to devalue you now Abinitzio from beginning And I'm going to go through the other phases which have nothing to do with separation Nothing to do with the individuation Nothing to do with devaluation Nothing to do with with the aim of the fantasy and goal oriented I'm going to realize and actualize the goal of the fantasy to start with This is the whole point of the fantasy says the malignant psychopathic narcissists So I'm going to start by devaluing you And discarding you It's a form of negative idealization Mythological demonization conversion of you into a secretary object into an enemy So the psychopathic malignant narcissist Comes across a potential intimate partner a potential friend a potential spouse a potential Colleague Comes across someone Who can collaborate in a shared fantasy or can become a part of the shared fantasy Whereas the typical narcissists would start to love bone and idealize In order to get to the point of devaluation and separation The psychopathic malignant narcissists would get go straight to the point He will start by devaluing the potential The potential intimate partner potential friend who started by devaluing He will start by discarding pushing that person away He would act aggressively abrasively humiliate Block Ben I mean go crazy become sometimes violent And at the same time he would devalue The potential partner He would hate bomb rather than love bomb Hate bombing is a form of negative idealization The the partner the potential target Is idealized but he's idea. She's idealized as a mythological demon So the malignant psychopathic narcissists When he comes across someone Who could fit into a shared fantasy? Demonizes her Idealizes her as a mythological malevolent entity So he exaggerates the evil In wickedness and malice and malevolence Of the partner that's his way Of negatively idealizing her Naturally The shared fantasies of malignant psychopathic narcissists Are extremely short Nasty and brutal They could last hours sometimes days In rare cases The malignant psychopathic narcissists meets his match He comes across someone Who he believes Could serve As His partner his collaborator in a shared fantasy. He says to himself. Wow She's the one I want her in my shared fantasy. I'm going to devalue her right now I'm going to discard her right now. I'm going to insult her. I'm going to humiliate her I'm going to shout at her. I'm going to verbally abuse her. I'm going to treat her coercively I'm going to you know, I'm going to do all these things to her because she's perfect She's the one I want to separate from She is a perfect bad mother. Perfect maternal figure. She's demonic She's mythologically demonic. She's ideal. No one has been more demonic than her ever So he says to himself. I must have her If anyone is worth separating from she is the one And I need to incorporate her in the shared fantasy Now Because I can incorporate her now and in two hours I can separate from her devalue her discard her render her an enemy The secretary object And I'm on my way to becoming an individual to individuate I skip all the stages of love bombing and this and that I skip all this nonsensical Mushi tree hugging mess. I don't need any of this I'm tough I'm resilient. I'm rough and strong. I'm empowered. I'm untouchable. I'm immune I am The malignant psychopathic narcissists so I can get I can go straight to the point Avoiding and skipping all the entering stages Which are for more subtle and compliant and submissive narcissists Malignant psychopathic narcissists looks down At typical narcissists. He considers them weak too weak for his own taste. Actually malignant psychopathic narcissists take advantage of typical narcissists They abuse them But they regard typical narcissists as delusional and gullible which they are so sometimes The malignant psychopathic narcissists comes across this perfect Perfect partner in the shared fantasy She's everything The malignant psychopathic narcissists is has ever looked for In a partner from which he can separate by devaluing But on rare occasions There's a misjudgment Whereas psychopathic malignant narcissists Are likely to be attracted to submissive client malleable weak damaged and broken women Or partners again men women women men. It's all interchangeable. The genders are interchangeable So whereas male psychopathic malignant narcissists are likely to be attracted to this type Of partner as I said weak malleable client submissive and so on so forth Sometimes they misjudge They don't realize That behind the facade Of submissiveness compliance obedience weakness Femininity or masculinity and so behind this facade There is actually a dangerous predator In rare cases Where the potential partner is misidentified and is actually Another malignant or sadistic narcissists They have met their match And there's a battle of wills Which evolves The The original sadistic malignant psychopathic narcissists Tries To devalue and discard The other psychopathic malignant narcissists And so you have two psychopathic sadistic malignant narcissists In In a joint battle They're fighting each other They're at war Like you know Godzilla and kinkong They're at war And the amazing thing is One of them Is going to give in One of them is going to become Codependent Or even borderline One of them is going to become Disregulated One of them is going to become Submissive like in nature, you know One of them is going to submit One animal submits to the other visibly Prostrates it itself So When you have Two malignant psychopathic sadistic narcissists Who misidentify each other And now are trying to devalue each other In order to reach the conclusion Of the shared fantasy You have a god-awful mess You have an enormous explosion Of externalized aggression Acting out And crazy making And insanity One of them Surrenders That's inevitable In such a situation One of them becomes Disregulated And cognitively Is regulated And essentially Codependent And with borderline behaviors Borderline personality organization They manifest Disregulated abuse And coercive behaviors Toad each other So You see The two In the initial phase You see the two psychopathic malignant narcissists Cycling very fast It's a kind of Ritualized approach avoidance But they cycle very fast Between aggressive and submissive Violent and withdrawing Avoidant and approaching In your face And demurring Coercive and obedient They cycle Both of them Cycle very rapidly In Among these behaviors And it's an amazing sight to behold Because it's like It's a kaleidoscope But it's like shape-shifting It's as if There's a total Disregulation of the self-state system And multiple self-states A dozen self-states Are trying to compete for the same physical body From the same For the same space And you can see Everything shifting Sometimes within minutes When each one of the two Malignant sadistic psychopathic narcissists Is trying to subdue the other Is trying to convert the other Into a typical partner In a shared fantasy A partner Which can be then devalued Who can be then devalued And discarded And allow for separation Individuation This attempt This clash Between these two dinosaurs T-Rex and Brontosaurus Or I don't know what This is earth shattering Earth quaking It's an amazing sight to behold In the inverted fantasy Inverted shared fantasy Of the psychopathic malignant narcissists Um Typically Following the devaluation and the discard The malignant psychopathic etc Would just go no contact With the target With the victim Because mission accomplished Separation has been accomplished And the target has been devalued and discarded And the narcissists Who is essentially a psychopath Can move on To the next target To the next goal So in a typical case There will be total withdrawal Total avoidance No contact And the narcissists The psychopathic malignant sadistic narcissists Would simply vanish Disappear Unlike typical narcissists Psychopathic malignant sadistic narcissists Rarely hoover Actually They rarely hoover Because they have never gone Through the snapshotting idealization phase They went immediately to devaluation and discard They didn't have time To create a representation of the shared fantasy Inside their minds So while they do have internal objects These internal objects are not idealized They are persecutory And these internal objects are very rudimentary Very primitive Because there hasn't been enough time To idealize them and evolve them They don't have a life story And so these objects These internal objects are not energetic They're not imbued with energy They're not They don't create dissonance They don't create anxiety So the sadistic psychopathic malignant narcissists Doesn't ever need to hoover Except in extremely rare cases But when the sadistic psychopathic narcissists The malignant narcissists Comes across another malignant narcissists And when they compete for ownership of the shared fantasy Who will devalue whom? Who will be in charge? Who will control whom? Who will abuse whom? When this battle of the giants Goes on Finally One of them transitions to the role of a victim Letting the other one initiate the separation By betraying them And this is the famous betrayal fantasy So four scenarios with the shared fantasy A typical narcissist Love bombs Love bombs idealizes you Devalues you and discards you In order to separate from you Then individuate And typically this kind of narcissists would hoover you Unless you have modified it The second type of shared fantasy Is a malignant narcissist Who from the get go from the first moment Devalues you and discards you Because this is the goal of the shared fantasy And they are goal oriented Having devalued and discarded you This kind of narcissists obtains separation And because he doesn't have a developed internal object Representing you in his mind He doesn't need to hoover him That's the second type of shared fantasy The third type of shared fantasy Is two malignant narcissists One of them having misidentified the other And now they're in battle Over control Over dominance and submission Over devaluation and idealization Over everything The shared fantasy is intact But it incorporates extreme elements of abuse Coercion and aggression Sometimes devolving to violence And the fourth type of a shared fantasy Is when one malignant narcissist becomes dominant And the other one becomes submissive In this particular case The submissive malignant narcissist Would claim the role of a victim And would perceive himself as having been betrayed And this is the betrayal fantasy I have videos dedicated to the betrayal fantasy On this channel Now you can search the channel Either by using keywords But much more easily You could visit the playlist on this channel The thematic playlist And you can choose the theme You could just scroll through the playlist And find the video that answers your question So hate bombing And the role of the malignant narcissist They're much neglected In literature since the 1970s And they are literally nowhere to be found online Among self-styled experts The shared fantasy of the malignant narcissist Is a mirror image An inverted image of the shared fantasy of a typical narcissist It starts with devaluation Not with idealization It aims to discard you Long before you have become The narcissist partner It is goal-oriented And it is about power The psychopaths are about power It's about, it's a power play With the role of narcissistic supply Serving as a kind of signaling Power signaling The more narcissistic supply I have The more powerful I am It's about power Because this kind of narcissists Fills proud of having power The locus of the grandiosity of this kind of narcissist Is in the power that this kind of narcissist possesses In his own mind, at least He regards himself as invulnerable Untouchable Immune to the consequences of his actions Unemotional Unattached Rigid Heartless Sometimes moral And definitely abrasive And cruel Resilient So The shared fantasy of the malignant narcissist would reflect These preferences in grandiosity The specific cognitive distortions Of this particular type of narcissist It's a psychopath So it's goal-oriented It's sadist So pain has a role here A positive role And it's a narcissist So there's a need for separation And the shared fantasy And you thought Narcissism is nothing but arrogance of an a-hole It is, but there's a lot more to it than this So I've enjoyed my voice and your silence Stick around for the next episode of the Samvaknin Horror Show