 So yesterday one of our members posted an interesting question about whether or not she's the rebound girl and that's the title of this and What let me just give you some back story. So she's been dating a man for a little while and They've now Have added each other to their Facebook page and while she was looking at his Facebook page She saw pictures from his previous relationship that ended about three three to four months ago And then she out of curiosity went to her Facebook page and saw that those same pictures were up so she's now wondering is she in that space of what we call a rebound person and I thought this would be an interesting conversation to talk about how men might feel about a past relationship and how this also affects those that are in a Transition in their life because there's also another terminology for a woman Who isn't a man's space or life where it's a transition until he meets another woman In fact, they did a video on this why one man why a man might choose one woman over another so Here's the challenge with this Conversation is when especially and from what I understand the woman broke up with this man So she was the one who ended the relationship. Let me see if there was something additional she added so And then I want to talk about why the pictures are still on and whatnot So when I'm when a man Okay, when a man ends the relationship with a woman he oftentimes kind of wants to Erase her from his life. Okay, that's not I mean not necessarily it well for some men if they were divorced They definitely want to erase that person from their life But if they are the ones who ended the relationships most meant not most men But a significant percentage of men will want to actually erase that person from his life. Okay, I just repeated myself The challenge is when she breaks up with him, especially if he cared for her deeply And I know this even happened in my most significant relationship after my divorce. Well, but while we both mutually ended it It was still very much a challenge for me to get over it In fact, I think men who have been the ones who got broken up on Tend to have a harder time healing than women. I think women have a better. I know this is just my belief system women can Heal because they go seek help more often than men Okay, so I from what I understand he dated this woman for about a year and She ended it and so these pictures are still up and then they're still up on her page This is the tricky part about social media quite frankly You know, I take me forever to go back and delete pictures or just even know how to put them in private modes So I wouldn't necessarily hyper-focus on why those pictures are there because most people aren't savvy in the Social media scheme of things. I mean believe me sometimes just trying to figure out how to post a picture is a pain in the butt Okay, so what that said does he still care for her? And are you possibly the rebound person or as we also know as the transition relationship now for those who men Who have gone through a divorce? Oftentimes and I want to differentiate divorce because when you've made a commitment you did wedding vows You expressed your love and all of a sudden this relationship unravels if you will Many people feel a hole inside of them and they immediately want to fill that hole so men, you know Human beings want companionship. They want connection. They want sex and yet They may not be in a space to actually want a commitment and this is where there's we have to differentiate casual relationships and hookups versus a fully committed relationship and I suspect a Significant percentage of people who have gone through a divorce aren't really capable of fully committing to someone new and yet those desires of Companionship connection and sex might make them believe that they want what we call a Relationship and quite frankly when you have companionship connection with sex with the person that is a relationship of sorts The challenge is the word relationship Are we forging something for the long term or are we just Taking advantage of each other until something better comes along and that's why it's called a transition Relationship because what happens for a significant percentage of men and I'm speaking from my own truth here I know after my divorce It's funny. I had one woman say I Emailed a woman on a dating site and she said how long you've been divorced I said five months and she says reach after reach out to me after you've been divorced for 18 to 24 months And you've had one to two transition Relationships I'm like well. I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship. I'm ready for a relationship She goes just that's my that's my criteria for meeting you Sure enough the next woman I met really liked her Really liked her we dated for three months and I hit my wall and my wall my emotional wall because I recognized I wasn't ready not on a Necessarily conscious level. I think my subconscious said put the brakes on Because I was still on some level that need of companionship connection and sex But I wasn't which I thought was a relationship But what I didn't understand was that wasn't full commitment that wasn't progressing some for something long term So this is where many of you ladies you have to really dig deep and asking what a commitment What does commitment mean to you? What does what does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship look like for you both short term and long term? Are you seeking a life mate and this is where it's tricky for a lot of men because we want companionship We want connection. We want sex on some level. We think that is long term But until we've done some inner work until we've healed from our past relationships We might only be capable for casual relationships Which oftentimes puts women in that or men in that category of being what's known as a transition relationship Or we call it it used to be called rebound in other words Rebounding is you had something in did you bow re you hit the floor about go back out and put yourself out there This is why I'm such a big proponent of having deeper conversations in the early Period of dating. This is why I created my dating vows. Here's a copy of it By the way, you can go to Jonathan as lay Dot com forward slash dating vows or dating vow I can't remember if it's vows or valve and and here's how it goes and I'm really encouraging you to adopt this Okay Before you are physically intimate or soon after if you're physically intimate because if you ever heard the saying Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment So the dating vow is just something you express to one another that goes something like this. I Agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process including taking down our dating profiles I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus ghosting pulling away or disappearing I agree to invest regular time in the process to get to know you which looks something like this Spending two three four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest Spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married Okay. Now. Let me just say something and this is not this is simply an opinion 90% of men will bail on this Because there are thousands of women who will have sex with men without any agreement or any form of commitment Okay, you know what ladies you need to all band together and say we are going to request the dating You know it used to be if men wanted to get laid they had to get married And you did something called the marriage vows and in that you declared something very similar to this So why aren't we doing the same now? Because as this corny saying is for men why buy the cow if you get the milk for free and I know that's gross to say that But the same time. What's this? Why have your cake? Why not have your cake and eat it too kind of thing? I mean look it having self-respect Means actually vetting the person. This is why I do my private coaching by the way There's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me Why do I do this is to help you do a better job of vetting for those men who are genuinely serious and not going to treat you as a rebound or Transition relationship and more importantly you stand in your power and by the way My book what the heck is self-love anyway, this is a journey of personal development self-help spiritual work so you begin to stand in your power and Not accept crumbs from a man not to accept a man Who is actually incapable of leaning into a relationship like a transition relationship can often times happen because he hasn't healed From his past relationship So coming back to this man who has pictures Is that an indication that you're the rebound person? Maybe It could be maybe true Also could mean that he just doesn't know how to do you know on his Facebook page doesn't know how to put things on Private maybe there's too many pictures Why does she have those pictures on? You know, maybe it's too You know to make other men jealous. Who knows why is the why really that important? What matters most is are the two of you? Forging a relationship together are the two of you leaning into a co-creative experience folks, I'm here to encourage everyone is Stop Approaching that the mating process from an ambivalent or Ambiguous way. I'm here to encourage intentional dating. I'm here to encourage more intimacy through vulnerability through authenticity through transparency. I Know many of my contemporaries will scoff at me. I know many of my contemporaries will say this is garbage You need to just everything needs to be casual in the beginning You know the problem with casual in the early stages You get attached to the wrong person and it's interesting because I've one of my contemporaries who's a male dating coach Let's give a man six weeks. Okay, you know in six weeks You can become incredibly attached and if that relationship doesn't work out that can be emotionally devastating to your heart By the way, I'm not suggesting you don't give six weeks, but six weeks of just let's just have fun Let's keep it light. We'll just ask surface questions like how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day surfaced a six week surface relationship can easily cause someone to be attached and let me tell you something the number one Emotional health issue most facing most everyone is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable Do you know what happens when a short-lived relationship ends? It wears on our self-esteem Now got to brush ourselves off just like Steve Harvey says act like a late act like a lady think like a man Because men can be a bit more dismissive. That's kind of you know It's kind of a sad on our part that we can dismiss this Because we don't attend we don't we don't bond the same way women do when you're sexual with someone And this is why I'm a big proponent is you stand in your power and don't accept bad behavior And so to determine if you're the rebound person I'm here to say lay your cards on the tables get radically honest with one another and with the dating vows Establish the rules of engagement So, you know, you're both on the same page because let me tell you something If he's just in he wants that companionship. He wants that connection He wouldn't that wants that sex, but he's not capable of commitment. Boy, you're investing in a you're investing in The lottery, let's just say the lottery and how often do people win the lottery? All right, is this making sense is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Please post a comment below If you found value in this, please tell your friends about midlife love mastery send them to my website Jonathan asly.com have them click the group coaching button so you so they can join our fantastic group And I'm gonna sign off this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic job at the barric of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear pillow give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye