 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. You know, recently a cigarette ad appeared in a well-known national magazine. Perhaps you saw it. Near the top of it were the words, I don't have to smoke luckies. Those were the words of the man whose picture was in the ad, Mr. Robert Montgomery, whose TV show is sponsored by Lucky Strike. In the ad, Mr. Montgomery said that there was nothing in his contract that said he had to smoke luckies. He smoked them and had for years because he liked the way they taste. That makes sense. Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And as Mr. Montgomery and many millions of other smokers will tell you, luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Taste better because they're made with fine, naturally mild tobacco. And they're made round and firm and fully packed. Made to taste better. Just remember that the next time you buy cigarettes and ask for a pack of Lucky Strike. You'll find luckies give you real smoking enjoyment because they do taste better. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! The Lucky Strike Program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Welch. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television show with his guest stars Bing Crosby and George Burns. But meanwhile, let's go out to Jack's house in Beverly Hills. I know his home, so if you'll just follow me, we'll go in and pay Jack a visit. And you needn't ask me to leave because you're going to sit there and listen to what I've got to say. Oh, we better not go in. There seems to be some sort of a commotion going on. I haven't told you half what's on my mind. And believe me, I'm talking for everybody in this neighborhood. When you first moved in, we thought you were a nice, gentle, kindly old man. But before we knew it, you had the mortgages on all our houses. Oh, I don't blame you for not saying anything. All you can do is sit there with your mouth open. And why? Because even you know that that last trick you pulled was the cheapest, most abominable thing anybody ever did. Imagine putting a woman with seven children out on the sidewalk because she missed one payment. Rochester, turn off the radio. You have just heard another episode of that thrilling story The Mean Old Man. In tomorrow's episode, you will hear the true story. Thanks, Rochester. I don't know why you listen to that program, boss. It always upsets you. Well, I don't know where they get those fantastic ideas for radio programs. Nobody can be that cheap. Well... That corny title. The Mean Old Man. It's ridiculous. I'll get it. Mr. Benny's resident star of stage, green radio, television, and the only laundry service that... Oh, oh, oh! Hello, Miss Livingston. I almost wasted a commercial on you. Yeah, I'll put it on. It's Miss Livingston, boss. Thanks. Hello, Mary, how do you feel? What? A hundred? Mary, that's awful. That... Oh, your temperature. I thought you meant the doctor, Bill. Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better. And, Mary, what? Oh, you're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll call you tomorrow. Goodbye. What'd you thank you for, boss? Well, everybody's been sending her flowers and fruit and candy, so I thought I'd be a little different. What did you send her? A bowl of chili. It's good in this nippy weather. Anyway, it looks like Miss Livingston will be back on the program next week. I'll get it. Well, hello, Mr. Brown. Hello, Mr. Benny. I'm sorry I'm three days late with a rent on our house, but here it is. Thank you. Oh, by the way, Mr. Benny, our hot water heater is leaking. You think maybe you could have it fixed? Well, plumbing costs are awfully high now. I guess they are. But it's been months since you promised to paint the living room. Well... I fixed the hole in the roof myself. Good, good. Well, I guess I'll be running along. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Oh, by the way, Mr. Brown, how's your wife? What's she doing now? Oh, haven't you heard? She writes that radio program, The Mean Old Man. Oh, yeah, I listen to it every day. Your wife has quite an imagination. Yeah, yeah, imagination. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. Who was it, boss? Mr. Brown from Long Beach. Oh, you know, he's been complaining a long time about a hole in the roof. It's fixed, it's fixed. Boss, I don't remember you sending anyone down to fix it. If I say it's fixed, it's fixed. If you don't believe me, listen to tomorrow's episode and you'll find out. By the way, Rochester, is my television script arrived from CBS? No, not yet. My director, Ralph Levy, will be here soon to go over it with me. I wonder what's holding it up. Oh, that must be it now. Come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, it's you, Dennis. Come on in. Well, thank you. How do you feel, kid? Fine, thanks. How are your folks? They're fine, too. That's good. Especially my father. After six months, they finally took the cast off his foot. And a cast for six months? Dennis, what was wrong with your father's foot? Nothing. He stepped into a bucket of cement. Look, Dennis, look, kid, I can understand your father stepping in a bucket of cement. I can almost understand him standing there, letting the cement dry. But why would he keep it on his foot for six months? My mother made him. What? When he stayed out late at night, he couldn't tiptoe into the house. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. Imagine your mother making him keep his foot in a bucket for six months. Two weeks ago, it came in handy. How? They were invited to a masquerade and papa went as a potted palm. Look, kid, do me a favor with you. What? As long as you got your mouth open, sing. Don't talk. Okay. Thank you. Here we sit enjoying the shade. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Drink the drink that I have made. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Tell you why the day is sunny. I'm in love with you. Honey, I'm in love with lips of honey. Wait till you see the way she walks. Hey, brother, pour the wine. She is coming here to stay. Hey, brother, pour the wine. I have waited for this day. Hey, brother, pour the wine. She writes of love in every letter. Others have tried, but I will get her. Wait till you see the way she walks. Hey, brother, pour the wine. What is life? What is spring? What are all the stars that shine? Love, my friend, is everything. And love will soon be more. Pour as quickly as you can. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Pour it quickly once again. Hey, brother, pour the wine. She's here at last, my one and only. Goodbye, friends. Don't be lonely. Wait till you see the way she walks. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Life was never met. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Pour the wine. As quickly as you can. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Pour it quickly once again. Hey, brother, pour the wine. Pour the wine. Pour the wine. Dennis, that was very, very good. Thank you. You know, I can't understand you, kid. You come in here and talk. When you talk, you sound so ridiculous. Then you sing, and when you sing, you're a completely different person. What are you? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Uh-huh. And each one has its own show. What? The doctor's on another network. Oh, yeah. Well, so long, Mr. Benny. Goodbye, kid. Oh, say, Mr. Benny. What now? Can I have your permission to do a guest spot tomorrow on a dramatic program? Dramatic program? What's the name of it? The Mean Old Man. They've got a wonderful part for me where I fix a hole in the roof. Well, do it. Do it. Goodbye. All right, Chester. Are you sure my television script hasn't arrived? Not yet. Well, I'm going to call CBS and see what's holding it up. Ciao. The line is busy now. Hold on. Who is it, Gertrude? Jack Benny. He wants I should get him the Mimeograph Department. So why were you so fresh with him? Why was I so fresh with him? The other night, he called and asked me if he could pick me up and take me dancing at the Macambo. And then he got mad because when he called for me, I was wearing my over-rules. Well, I don't blame him for being mad. Why would you wear overalls to the Macambo? Who gets to the Macambo? I always wind up fixing his car. You're better off than I am. Why? I'm not mechanical minded. I have to get out and push. Have you been out with Jack lately? Yeah, two weeks ago. He took me to a nightclub. He sat at a corner table. The lights were low. And he got so romantic. What did he do? He had the way to fill my slipper with champagne. Gosh, three quarts. He stuck his straw through the open toe. See? You must have had the happiest feet. What have I been thinking? Maybe we shouldn't be so fussy about men. I guess you're right. After all, we're not getting any younger. Speak for yourself, John. I'm only 23. 23? Then how did you get that medal for sticking to your switchboard during the San Francisco fire? I never... I mean... Oh, why should I lie? You were there. Yes. Sorry, Mr. Banny, the line is still busy. Your television script? Yeah, I'll tell them. Goodbye. That Mimeograph department drives me nuts. That script should have been here hours. Oh, maybe that's it. Come in. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Don, what's the matter? Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, Don, don't try to kid me. There's something bothering you. What is it? Oh, it's the sportsman quartet. They're mad at me. The four of them? Yeah, they're outside and they won't come in because I'm here. Well, that's ridiculous. Come on in, fellas. Hello, boys. Hello, boys. See, they won't talk to me. They have such a wonderful idea for next week's commercial, haven't you, boys? Have you? Well, this is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Don, why are they mad at you? They found out that you pay me more money than you pay them. Well, that's a fine thing to be mad about. Now, wait a minute, Jack. I think they've got a point there. Well, Don, if you feel that strongly about it, there should be an adjustment. How much am I paying the quartet now? $100 a week. Oh, well, Don, if it'll make you feel better starting next week, I'll cut you down to the same. Okay? Thanks, Jack. That solves the whole thing. Now, there won't be any more trouble. It's amazing that I didn't think of that myself. Well, Don, now that it's all settled, what do the boys have? Well, Jack, this is the first time they've seen you since you got back from New York, and they've rehearsed a special greeting for you. A greeting for me? Yeah. Sing it to him, fellas. Hello, hello. All day long, we jump and run about. Surely you have heard a shout. Now, hello, blue eyes. Now, we'll all be eating once again. Every week, we'll earn $1.10. Hello, blue eyes. Did your coon skin coat keep you warm? Did your new ear muffs help in that storm? Now, your home we're feeling fine again. Please don't roam me 39 again. Hello, blue eyes. Hello. We've done everything that you asked. We plowed up your lawn as you've seen. We rake and we hold and we planted in rows the coffee you sent every bean. We worked from morning till night and then a lucky we would light. What a thrill to hear the neighbor shout when we'd pull that pack of luckies out. Oh, boy, luckies. Round and firm and oh so fully packed. Luckies always please and that's a fact. Hello, luckies. Cleaner, fresher, much smoother too. And luckies taste much better, it's true. People go for LSMT. People know that they are sure to be happy with luckies. That's why we're saying be happy. Oh, lucky spike today. That was wonderful fellas, wonderful. Say, Don, now I'd like to hear the number they're going to do on next Sunday's show. Oh, Jack, the sportsman can't wait any longer now. They're appearing at the Stadler Hotel here in Los Angeles and they have to get over there and rehearse some new numbers. Oh. So long, Jack. Goodbye, Don. I don't want no ricochet romance. I don't want no ricochet romance. Well, I saved a little money by cutting down salary, but I lost a little too. After all, I'm his agent. Now let's see. Oh, Rochester, I'd like you to take the car and pick up my suit at the cleaners. But boss, we haven't had the Maxwell all week. We haven't? No, don't you remember you told me that any time the movie studios want to rent it, I should let them have it. Oh, so you rented it. What pictures are going to be in? Ben Hurd. What? It comes in second in a chariot race. Second day. Gosh, I hope they don't whip it too hard. Well, you have to take the... Rochester, someone's at the door. I'll get it. Okay. See, that Ben Hurd is a great story. I remember the first time they made the picture. They begged me to be in it. Eh, who wanted to be Francis X. Bushman's father? He had so few lines. Rochester, who's there? It's your TV director, Mr. Ralph Levy. Oh, come in, Ralph. Come on in. How are you, Jack? Fine, fine. Here, have a seat, Ralph. See, there seems to be a delay in Mimeo with the TV script, but they should be delivering it any minute now. Uh, Jack. And as soon as it gets here, we can put on... we'll put in what few minor little changes you might have in no time at all. Yeah, Jack. Because, Ralph, this is one script that I have complete confidence in. I worked on it from the start. It's got just the feel, the flavor that I want. Jack, the script isn't being Mimeographed. What? That's right, Jack. I read it this morning and I just couldn't let it go through. What do you mean you couldn't let it go through? Well, Jack, in my opinion, this script is nothing. The start with the situation is weak and it goes no place. There's no action, no movement. It's a completely static thing. And what humor there is is old hat and corny. In fact, I can't remember when I read anything that's so obviously amateurish. Wow. And that's not only my opinion, it's also the opinion of my assistant Dick Fisher, of my entire technical staff, of the head of BBDNO, and of the chief of CBS Network Television. Oh, yeah? Well, I showed it to my butcher at Safeway this morning and he was nuts about it. Your butcher? Well, what does he know about comedy? Plenty. He directed The Horn Blows at Midnight. So if you're going to drag in experts, I got some on my side, too. That's right, boys. Tell him about Mr. Carol P. Craig. Yeah. He liked the script and he happens to be a writer who gets $10,000 a page. Well, that's funny. I never heard of him. What did he ever write to get $10,000 a page? He won the I Can't Stand Jack Benny contest. Now, Ralph, I still say this is a funny script and for the life of me, I don't understand your objection. Well, if you're so positive, maybe I was wrong. Look, I've got the script right here in my briefcase. Let's have another glance at it. Good. Let's see now. Say, this is pretty funny stuff. I told you, Ralph, this is a funny script. That's a wonderful line. Certainly, believe me, Ralph, when it comes to judging comedy, I'm seldom wrong. Well, I guess maybe... Oh, now, wait a minute. This isn't your script. Huh? This is the one for the radio show I direct. Radio? What radio show? The Mean Old Man. I must remember to tell that writer to fix the hole in her roof. Lately, all her scripts are coming in soaked. But that's no problem of yours, Jack. No, no. Now, let's see now. Where did I put... Oh, yes, here's a TV script. But now, Ralph, I'm sure... Ralph, sir, would you get that, please? Mr. Banning's residence? Yes? Yes, sir. I see. All right, goodbye. Who was that, Rochester? Your butcher. Oh, the one that likes my script? He started over and changed his mind. I don't know why I even go to him. There must be dozens of butchers around town who've directed me in pictures. Now, Ralph, you've been reading the script. What's bothering you? Well, in these first five pages, Jack, the only thing that's even remotely funny is the bit with the orchestra, and we can't do that. But the orchestra boys, why not? Well, Jack, you know very well we're not allowed to put the camera on your orchestra. There are 40 million people watching. But, Ralph, it's all right to show the boys on television. I got a clearance from the Musician's Union. I don't care, Your Honored Knight, and some of those 40 million people will be eating. All right, so we'll take out that bit. One routine doesn't make a script bad. I'll get it. Mr. Bannon's residence. Oh, yes, Mr. Leroy. What's that? All right, I'll tell him. Goodbye. Rochester, was that Mervyn Leroy, the director? Yeah, he called to say he doesn't like your television script. Doesn't like it, but I never even sent him a copy. Well, he said he got it by accident. Accident? Yeah, this morning he was at the Safeway and bought a pound of halibut, and your script was wrapped around it. That nice fresh script around a smelly halibut. Mr. Leroy put it the opposite way. I don't care how he put it. I still think it's a good script. Well, now, don't misunderstand me, Jack. There are some good things in it. But unfortunately, the whole idea is wrong. The whole script is based on your being cheap. But Ralph, with the character I portray, people expect me to do cheap things. I know, and that's fine for radio. But in television, the audience sees you standing there. You have to be a little true to life, for nobody will believe it. Well... Now look, here you have a show starting with two strangers knocking on the door of your big Beverly Hills mansion to ask directions. And you invite them in for lunch and then charge them for that. Which is practically making a restaurant out of your home. Then you show them around the grounds, and when the man accidentally falls in the pool, you charge him a quarter for swimming. And to top it off, when he starts to sneeze, you insist on giving him penicillin at $5 a shot. Now, really, Jack, nobody could be that cheap. Ralph, you're absolutely right. How could we expect anyone to actually look at me and believe that I could do things like that? Well, that's my point, Jack. And until we can fix this script so you aren't cheap, and more like you really are, we haven't got anything. Okay, Ralph, I'll call my writers immediately. We'll throw out everything and get a whole new idea. Good. Now, for a plot, I was thinking maybe we could do a... Boss! Boss! The brown bus is here! Oh, my goodness, they're five minutes early. Rochester, dust off the sandwiches, play, and turn up the flame under the soup. Okay! Well, as I was saying, Jack... All right, don't forget to push the rice pudding. I'll push it! I'll push it! Now, Ralph, you were saying... Yes, Jack, I feel that if we could... Here they come, Rochester. Don't crowd, folks. There's plenty for everyone. Look, Ralph, folks, soup sandwiches and featuring Uncle Jack's Rice Pudding. Hey, Agnes, why didn't you come over here and eat with me? I can't. The chain on my spoon won't reach that far. And what kind of a clip joint is this? You've got to pay extra to get mustard on your hot dog. Yeah, that's nothing. The last time I was in here, I accidentally fell in the pool and they charged me for swimming. Don't crowd, folks. Thank you. Here's your change. Now, Jack, Jack, I don't... Shoot it, Ralph. You're standing in front of the penance. Here you are, folks. Souvenirs of Beverly Hills. Penance. Picture postcards. Jack, if you'll listen to me for a minute, I could tell you what I was... Rochester, there goes one in the pool. You fish him out. I'll get the penicella. Here you are, folks. Get your hot dogs and cold drinks. Get your hot dogs and cold drinks. Ralph, why are you helping me? I figure if you can't fight it, join it. Yes, or don't forget Uncle Jack's rice pudding. Step right up, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show, which goes on immediately after this program on the CBS network with my guest stars, Bing Crosby and George Burns. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother For luckies like beans Fries as a smoker You know how vitally important freshness is to your enjoyment of a cigarette. Well, the makers of luckies know that too. That's why every pack of luckies is extra tightly sealed to keep in the better taste that has made luckies famous. Yes, any lucky smoker will tell you that luckies taste better. Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky strike, lucky strike Friends as a smoker, will tell you that luckies taste better. Not only fresher, but cleaner and smoother too. That's because fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into every lucky. As you know, lucky strike means fine tobacco. And luckies are definitely made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Yes, fine tobacco and a better-made cigarette just naturally adds up to your taste for you. So next time you buy cigarettes try a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky get better taste today. Say, Jack, Jack, is it true that on your television show tonight you're having both Bing Crosby and George Burns as guest stars? Yes, and I hope George is in a better mood than he has been the last few days. He's had a little trouble with the income tax department. Why? Jack Benny's show tonight was written by Milk Josephsburg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.