 Hi guys, my name is Kwame. Wow, you started with a really big sigh. Okay. Hey guys, welcome to my channel. My name is Kwame. This is It's Okay and I usually vlog about productivity and my freelance journey and other things. And every now and then, since the very latter part of last year, you know, we do these conversations or Elaine and I do these conversations where we sit down and talk about the things or experiences that we go through. And we are in by no means saying that our relationship is a mortal relationship or a perfect one. It's just that for us, when we do this, the thing we're doing right now and share our experiences, it also helps us. It actually helps us more because then we're able to talk about these things and know how far we've come with other things that we've been through and been able to make sense of things. So today's episode is inspired by Elaine. She's the producer of this episode and the topic and the things she has written down. So she's going to go through them and then we're going to have a little banter about long distance relationships. Yes. Yeah. So my name is Elaine Hallow. Before we were together in Ghana, we did a long time of long distance. I think all in all, it was two years. And the longest that we haven't seen each other is nine months, I believe. Yeah, nine months. And we actually learned a lot along the way and we thought it would be useful to share also because of the current pandemic and maybe people are forced to be long distance now and hopefully you can get some nuggets of wisdom or something to apply or try out. Or not. Or not. Or just make you laugh, anything you can get from it. So yes, long distance. Everybody always said like, oh, it's so difficult. It is. Yeah. But I'm also grateful for the things that it taught us. So I got thinking about why it worked for us or yes, why it actually worked out. And I think I came to two elements. So one is commitment and two is communication. You know, you can actually refer to your notes, right? Yes, I have my notebook. I'm not yet so spontaneous as Quaime with what to say. I'm not very spontaneous either. But you're more fluent in front of the camera, but let's not go into that. So what it taught me is that it taught me commitment because you're doing long distance. You will definitely know whether it's worth it to build with this person or not. Because it's quite difficult to include a person in your life when he or she is not physically there and literally living in a different world. I mean Ghana and Netherlands is a different world. So how do you, you know, include somebody in that? I think you have to commit to explore exactly and really commit to the person because you cannot if you live in the same city, you can see, oh, let's see where this goes. You maybe hang out, you go to the movies, you see each other once in a while. You have the time to explore physically and see how you feel around each other. But that's more difficult to bridge when you're not in the same place. So mentally you have to psych yourself up to decide that you are committing to this, to see where it goes and you want to do it. Yes. Okay. And because it's difficult, you will know, you won't go for it if it's a fling. Exactly. Because you will know that it's worth to do it. So the commitment part is very, for me, it was very intentional. Like I'm committing to this person and I know it's worth it. Even though it's difficult. So that keeps it balanced. And what I'm also very grateful for, which we learned the hard way, is that it told us communication. So for us, we did a lot of phone calls. I don't know why we didn't video call a lot, but we didn't do that so much. We did phone calls. We did a lot of phone calls and WhatsApp. Yes. And it's difficult to hear. You can only hear the person. So it's difficult to hear what's going on. So in order to make it work, the other person also needs to be open and vulnerable in order to really share your life. So I think that it taught us communication because we learned how to ask questions, how to really get to the bottom of things, even though you're not there to put some arm around some person or hug or anything like that. And I have to chip in that with communication, especially with WhatsApp and phone calls, we'll also learn the hard way that it's better to actually have a phone call about the important things or things that you may be confused about because WhatsApp or text messaging tends to have different meanings depending on the mood you're in or what it is or what you think the person is trying to say. Some messages can come across as entirely different things and then you get angry and you don't communicate. I, for one, when I'm angry, I retract. So reading a message and getting angry and not knowing exactly what your partner was trying to say will almost always end in a fight or argument. So if you don't know exactly what the person means, you can ask, can we call about this because I'm not sure exactly what you mean. And then you can be clear that the person's message wasn't intended to be what it was. Yeah, I really believe we had the most miscommunication through WhatsApp. So you read and then suddenly it triggers something. You have to call or hear the voice, hear the intention because over WhatsApp, you cannot hear somebody's intention or meaning. I think that's really true. So that was, so our why, why it worked was definitely commitment and communication. And I also thought about how we made it work. So I wrote down a few things and it comes down to, again, two Cs, compromise and creativity. So right now we have four Cs. That's committing and making sure you fine tune your communication properly. And then now how to actually, after you've committed and communicated, to keep it together. Yeah. OK. And that you do to compromise and creativity. Bear with us. So how we made it work, we did a lot of things together, even though we were not physically together. For example, we, well, now it's difficult with COVID, but we went to the cinema. So we went to the same movie on the same day. When a movie comes out and it's also released in the Netherlands or is worldwide, thankfully, Silverbed Cinema was working. So we would go and watch the same film. Yeah. And then we would, it's weird maybe to go alone to the cinema, but it felt nice to know that Kwame was also in the cinema around the same time. And then we decided on a time to call and, you know, discuss the movie, which felt still like a date. So yes, we made that work together. Yes. And I think it's what we also did. For example, when I discovered a podcast, I think I was passing through, which is about storytelling and travelling. And I discovered it, then I shared it with Kwame. So I would always listen on my way to work. And then once I listened, I would text him like, wow, this is so cool. Like I would just share with him that he would. And the topics were also relatable to us as well. So so we would like discuss that as well. And it seems like a small thing, but it really helped us to dream about things and discuss storytelling, discuss our careers. So try to find things or media that you have in common, like whether it's movies or Netflix or podcast or articles. So maybe a minor C in now and its conversation. Yeah, definitely. So it's like the warmth of conversation is also really good. Yeah, you try to find another C, common ground. Wow. To have a conversation on and then you take it from there. And it's just something you two have. So it makes it feel cute. Oh, I don't know. I'm done. OK, and the second one I had was putting things, put a dot on the horizon. So for us, it was important to, even though it was far away, we would know like that is when we will see each other again. So you're working towards something. Even if it's far away, you can save up to these months. And even also it's also a reminder like, OK, then we will be together. So these two will pass. It was really a reminder like, OK, this is not a permanent state. We will be together at some point. So you also kind of commit to a certain timeline of making sure that you see each other again. Because if you leave it in like, oh, we're not sure, we're not sure. That is not really motivating. Yes, so you need some kind of commitment as well to a certain timeline that you make sure that, yeah, OK, we'll save it up for six months or whatever it is. And we can show that one person will either come either way so that you see each other. So there's also that agreement and longing to see the person. Yeah, definitely. And I think it's sides. Effect of having to work towards a certain moment that you're together for two, three, four weeks, depending on how much freedom you have, it comes with a lot of pressure because in those few weeks, you have to do everything. You have to enjoy it together. You have to catch up. You have to cuddle. You have to fight. You have to communicate. You have to go on dates. You have to, you know, it's a lot. Yeah, put all that in the space of three weeks to a month at most. So it comes with a lot of expectations and pressure. And we also struggled with that in the past, that there was one visit when I came to Ghana and we're both looking forward to it. But Kramer wasn't really in a good place. Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on him from the work side of things. And he was really caught up in his head and he wasn't present. And what we did then or what I decided that I needed a break because it was really getting to me, not in a break from a relationship, a break from just the peace of mind, just from the situation. Because I wasn't sure how we're going to kind of handle this because I'm here now, but you are not here presently. Yes, and I decided to go to an Airbnb for two days at the beach. Kramer was in Accra and it at work and it might sound controversial because well, you are you want to be together because you work towards this for such a long time. But we needed to figure out how we can still make this trip a success without, you know, losing each other in the process of that. So taking that space was actually really important because then it gave us time to just breathe apart from each other. Yeah. Yeah, so that you can actually see the situation from a wider view. Yeah. And also calm your spirits in the process which eventually made it easier going forward because when she got back from the trip, I also managed to get a day off and then I ran away. I don't know if I ran away. Yeah. And we went to Hilbury, yeah, I think so, just to have a day off together like just that rebellion of, you know, not seeing each other also also being in the same country and still missing each other and going out and having fun together and just chilling. It was it was really good. Yeah. And I think what made it work was that we even got a comment from a friend about it. Like, I got a question like, why did you leave when you're finally together? And that made me upset because I was worried. But in the end, we talked about it and we decided that this was what this was what worked for us. Yeah. And because I knew we were on the same page, I could let that comment go. So I really, for me, it's well, you have to make sure that it works for you too. Yeah. So, yeah, always, always make sure you're on the same page. Yes. About the things you do. So even when the outside world is like, oh, why did you leave for two days while you're finally together? Like, you can just, you know, we are cool. Yeah. So we can manage your facial expression when you say it. So make it work for you guys. And I acknowledge your pressure and expectations and try to find your way around it. And the final one. No, we have a few more. I think connected to this one, like, do your own thing is find your own rhythm. Yeah. So I remember in the beginning, he was outside calling because there was no network in his previous house. I mean, it was terrible in terms of like, because we call over hours. And if I'm in the room, it was literally non-resistant. So I was done outside and standing outside also means that it's a lot of mosquitoes, you know, that you have to deal with and all that. But it's compromised because then, like we're saying, the best way to actually connect was to hear each other's voice, the warmth of knowing that the person is saying this and not meaning something else was good. So even for 30 minutes or whatever it is, you stand outside or I stood outside and get bitten by mosquitoes and still talked. There's that compromise that you have to deal with. Yeah. And I think for me, the time difference and all and how demanding Kramis work was, I knew like we can't call after eight. For example, because then he would go rest and, you know, wind down and everything. So it's also compromising. OK, what schedule is the other person on and how can we adapt to that? I think it's very important. And another how is also, I know Krami doesn't want to talk about this, but I wanted to include this. So of course, when you're not physically together, it's difficult to be intimate or the intimate part of your relationship. I think it's still important to share like the sexy side of your relationship. And I don't mean that you can figure out what that means for your own relationship. But for example, what I did is whenever I felt beautiful or I felt fierce, that I would just make a picture to also show that, you know, I'm also a sexy you being like, I'm your girlfriend. And this is how I look today. And I want you to see it. So define intimacy for yourself. Yes. I want to go. Yeah, I've got a shot. So try to define it for yourself and also try to talk about it because it is part of your relationship. And if you're struggling with it, try to find a way together. I mean, you can. There are so many ways to connect digitally and still make it sexy. And yes, it's restricted, but look at what you can do. And yeah, make it sexy. It's possible. It's not easy, but it's possible. Yeah. And then my last. And part is do small things for each other. I love writing, so I wrote Kwame a lot whenever I could get a chance. I would write in postcards or letters and whenever somebody would come to Ghana. Yeah, I would ask the person to bring it. Or you send it through the embassy. All right, send it through the embassy. Yeah, I don't know if they should be out there. Birthday that she sent me a box of memories and pictures and, you know, clues to do things. And that's what she's really good at doing things with her hands and writing and all these things, which I mean, these sentimental things are they make it easier for you to also, like, miss the person and long for actually wanting to be together. So these small things that you do for each other. Luckily for me, I was on air. So, yeah, I would do a lot of, like, even though people didn't know, Elaine inspired playlist and only her would know that, like, the whole session I was playing was songs that we knew or loved. But yeah, I mean, people will still catch on and text messages will come in like this one. Yeah, we know that you are missing somebody. Yeah, OK, but so these are little things where some of the things that we would do for each other and try and keep things alive. Yeah, and I also think that, for example, when I sent the birthday box, I had, like, joy because when I was putting it together, like, what should I put in? It couldn't be too heavy, but I still wanted to do something, you know, what would remind him of us and his dreams and how we want to move forward. And also, like, it brings you into funny situations because I had to drive to a wooden to a stranger's house who would go to Ghana and then I would arrange that a friend of us would pick the box and I remember that birthday video. Oh, my God. Then I danced. Oh, the. Oh, yes. I do crazy things. I did the birthday dance on Instagram. Like, I don't I have no shame when it comes to, like, love or, you know, showing. And I think I think that was a bit too much for you. But I mean, it wasn't too much. Like, yeah, I also enjoyed that video and I did it together with my sister. So it also isn't when you are doing small things for each other, you also make it an experience, you know, prepare it, have joy in preparing it, like, you're nervous when he's going to open it, all these things. I think you even left the box on your bed or something like the first thing in the morning, you would see the box where you could open it because I told him to wait till his birthday. So try to look at what you can do. And then try to make the most of that. Yeah. And there are always ways of maybe sending flowers or cards or play a song, make a playlist. You used to make really nice playlists for my birthdays. I don't know what happened to that. You're here now. We were dancing. So, yeah, so all in all, it boils down to compromise creativity. And then in your why it's about communication and commitment. Yeah. I think that's what we wanted to share. We would really love to hear your tips and tricks to long distance. Have you been in long distance? Are you currently in it? How are you managing? And I have to also say that these things, although they were in long distance relationships, apply to any relationship, whether you are together or not. There's a commitment. There's the compromise. There's definitely communication and there's the creativity because you always need to keep the spark alive. Maybe that's why we like traveling every now and then. Yeah. You know, doing things together. It's important for us because that's how I mean, it makes a few new and fresh all the time. Yeah. Yeah. So let us know in the comment section. Comments. What do you also do in whether it's long distance relationship like we just discussed or even your normal relationships, what you do, we'd like to know about it. And if you like this video, please give it a thumbs up. If you haven't subscribed to the channel, do that. We're not having these conversations. I post videos about things that I've learned on the way of my freelance. And so, yeah, that's it for this edition of the vlog. Yes. Yeah. We hope to catch you next time, right? Yes. Bye-bye. See you. Peace. Okay. That's what you always do. How long is it?