 Recently, one of our members asked a question regarding a man that she had a first date with. She thought she had a really good time with the guy, but he never followed up for a second date. And this really begs the question, what does it take for a guy to choose you over another woman? And I wanted to lean into this conversation because this seems to be happening frequently. Okay, first off, I wanna share something with you. I know that I've gone on first dates with a woman who I probably immediately made a choice that she wasn't the one, so to speak. And yet I wanted to have a good time. So I was very personable. I was very polite. I was very gregarious because why not make the best of a situation? I never liked immediately saying, hey, look, I don't think this is a fit for us. We should move on. And by the way, I know some people will do that. They will meet on a first date, quickly say, look, this doesn't feel like a fit for me. Most likely because they felt they got duped from the photos or something like that. And let's face it, these days, most of the time, we're meeting total strangers from our dating app. So it's no wonder we might feel a little put off because of what you might have expected to meet versus what you actually met. Okay, so coming back to, yes, there were times where I've done that, where I've had a good time with someone, but I didn't feel like they were the one. So then this really begs the question, what is the one? Okay, now, when I mean by the one, let's differentiate between guys who are merely in it for a short lived experience because guys who are in it for a short lived experience will operate differently from those, what I call builders and growers. Builders and growers are about that 20% of the single male population who genuinely want a significant relationship with someone. They're seeking a life partner, those of us in midlife I'm talking about primarily, that they wanna grow old with someone. Those men operate different than those users and the spenders, the users are those people, they're the short-term people, they're the players, they're only in it for themselves. And the spenders, which happens to be the significant percentage of the population, spenders are people who want companionship, connection and sex, and yet they won't commit, okay? So now the real question is, when I say the real question is, how can you decipher between those three types of guys? How can you figure out which guy genuinely wants a serious relationship? Because the question isn't really why will a man choose me over someone else? The real question is, what does it take for a man to choose someone? And this is the deeper question, I think you might wanna ask yourself. Now the challenge we're faced with today in the dating market place is that we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers. You know, it occurs to me, I'm doing a group therapy kind of session. I have a group of people I get together for every couple of months and we do like group therapy meets pajama party meets cocktail party kind of thing, where we explore different facets of our personality and I have a process called back to school. And the idea is to ask questions within the group is to share experiences that we happen had in grade school and intermediate school and in high school, things like, who was your first crush? Who was your favorite teacher and why? Who was your high school crush? And what happened to them? Are you still in contact with them? And the idea is to build deeper connection with my circle of friends and explore how these shaped our lives, these people, these experience, how did it shape our lives? While I'm sharing this with you, it occurs to me that dating is a vetting process to determine if two people are right for each other. That's what dating is. It's a getting to know you period. But today's dating is so surface level we don't ask the deeper questions starting with their childhood. Now, I want you to imagine this for a moment. Go back 60, 70, 100 years ago, most anyone, any two people that connected with one another most likely grew up in the same town. They worked in the same environment. They had a real sense of familiarity. More importantly, there was no degrees of separation. You most likely knew somebody that knew them. And because of that, there was a stronger sense of connection with this person because you knew facets of their lives. Today, we know little or nothing about a human being. We know nothing about their, oftentimes in the dating process, we don't ask the deeper questions about their childhood. We don't often ask the questions about their parents and their upbringing. We don't ask about experiences. So we know so little of information. And yet think about how quickly we will have sex with someone we barely know. I mean, that's the current marketplace. In fact, I remember when I became single a decade and a half ago, it used to be called the three-date role. If a woman didn't have sex with you by the third date or men would be onto the next woman. It's because the dating marketplace has changed primarily because we have this belief that there are all these choices out there because of swipe dating. All of a sudden swipe dating has created this illusion that we have so many choices. By the way, my coffee mug says swear a little, you'll feel better. Those who watch some of my YouTube videos know I do occasionally square, I swear. But what's it take for a man to choose a person? I think back to when I met my beloved, now there's Marie. You know, at the time I had met several women. Some very attractive women, accomplished women, kind women. What made her different? You know, folks, the reality is, is it's an intangible with another person. First and foremost, it's an intangible. The tangible pieces, however, can be related in two books I highly recommend reading. I recommend reading Getting the Love You Want by Harvall Hendricks and Helen Hunt and reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Now, the book Attached talks about love attachment styles. There are two primary, or there's basically three primary love attachment styles. There's anxious, avoidant and secure. And you can go to the website, thebookattached.com to find out what you are. However, most likely everyone who fills out the questionnaire believes they're secure when they're most likely and anxious or avoidant. Anxious people are needy, avoidant, or a little bit distant. That would be the Cliff Note version of it. The second piece, the book Getting the Love You Want by Harvall Hendricks and Helen Hunt, relates to something called the Amago. I am A-G-O, I am A-G-O. I would highly recommend researching the Amago to understand how we oftentimes choose people that are similar to one or both of our parents. So, as I've gotten a chance to unpack my relationship with Marie, I recognize that there are some facets of my childhood that makes me attracted to her because it's familiar to me from my childhood. That's the Amago. In addition, you know, there is an element where, well, while I believe she and I are relatively close to secure attachment style, in fact, as I'm a little bit of the anxious one, she's just a little bit of the avoidant one very close to that line. And so that dynamic makes me try harder. Just happens to be. And I'm grateful that she is a very loving, compassionate, kind, empathetic person. So it's not that extreme difference many of you might be experiencing. So, here's the thing. When a man who is an avoidant attachment style meets an anxious person, he oftentimes will gravitate to that person temporarily because that's what he's familiar with. But oftentimes, avoidants reject needy people. Now, the same is true for a woman who's avoidant. She oftentimes rejects a needy man. So there's this unusual dynamic that plays in human behavior that is an intangible. It's just the thing is, you know, the phrase, he's just not that into you is probably a behavioral issue related to the amago or love attachment style because at the end of the day, who we are attracted to beyond the physical attraction. Okay? Now, you need to understand something about men. Men might be physically attracted to a woman to have sex with her. His level of attraction might be here, but the woman to commit to, he might feel the need to have attraction at this level. Okay? Let's face it, most guys wish they were with an ultimate 10. That's their, but the guy who's the grower and builder, he's not as hyper focused on looks as those men who are the users primarily, they are more hyper focused on looks and the spenders and grower, the spenders, excuse me, these men are oftentimes dysfunctional in their lives. They're just happy to get a woman. Even though they might be accomplished, they might be successful in their right, but they're gonna use these women because these men haven't done the deep dive into healing their childhood wounds and traumas that cause them to use people. That's the sad truth that we're faced with today. Okay, why am I leaning into this conversation so much? I think it's important to recognize that we are in a very dysfunctional, dating, mating and relating marketplace. And I call it a marketplace because the reality is, is we have to be, listen, before Amazon, if you wanted to buy something, you had to go to a grocery store or a department store. Let's say if you wanted to buy clothes, you'd have to physically go to a brick and mortar store to see something, okay, to physically see it. These days we can buy something on Amazon, try it on and return it in 30 days. Well, that's our dating marketplace today. We have this belief that there are all these choices we can go buy, use something for a little bit. Even Nordstroms has perpetuated this problem. Think about Nordstroms for a second. How many people can buy something from Nordstroms, wear the hell out of it and return it with no consequence? We've set up our society that way, unfortunately. There are no consequences for bad behavior in the dating, mating or relating realm. That's pretty sad. That's pretty sad. Now, some people are genuinely wounded and they don't necessarily intentionally hurt another human being. Those men who are rather dysfunctional, I don't believe they intentionally hurt, intend to hurt someone. It's just a byproduct of human beings who date with their own needs in mind instead of actually caring about another person. So how do we address this? Folks, it is time to get radically honest with people, laying your cards on the table and establish the rules of engagement. The rules of engagement is your standards. Okay, what are your standards of what you're looking for? The radical honesty is going deeper beyond the surface asking those questions, even going back to childhood, finding out as many of the nooks and crannies and laying your cards on the table is partially explaining your past so a person get a sense of who you are today. And if they're incapable of diving that deep than the chances are, they're not capable of going beyond any more than a casual relationship with you. And sadly, these days I've said dating is a, or relationships are just a strung out version of friends with benefits. And the sad thing is as many of you are not even really friends with the guy that you're with. How do we address this? Ask way better questions early on to determine is this person right for me instead of whether or not he chooses you? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hey, if you have something to share, please post a comment below. If you find value in our group or you need some support, check out a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you or send me your friends to my website, JonathanAzlate.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign off this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barak of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. That, a teddy bear pillow. Give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.