 All right welcome back everybody make it back yeah like you're again now five people listening it's awesome my apologies before I misspoke mr. Jeff DeGraph is here we just shuffled a schedule around so the most current and accurate schedule will live on the website or the ACSE app not what comes out of my mouth if you follow the debate on talent management in office development in the past few years then you might know our next speaker if not I will fill in the details Colonel Jason Lam is the director of intelligence analysis and innovation down at headquarters air education and training command in San Antonio Texas he's a command officer who is intelligent on many levels nope that's not right he is an intelligence officer who's commanded on multiple levels to some he is best known for his series of op-eds that he wrote under a pen name Ned Stark which I just learned was a game of thrones reference this morning shame on me he just he started a discussion on what should be valued and appreciated in officer development a discussion that many thought was long overdue so I present to you Colonel Jason Lam aka Ned Stark thank you Mo so exciting title we'll see if it lives up so the secret of success in leadership and life in general there are actually two secrets hashtag winning the first of course being do not share everything you know moving on what's interesting here at the quote we have for you up here today is actually provided by mr. Jim Rohn who leadership management guru he could have easily been listed amongst the authors that the admiral provided us earlier when he was talking about doing his search it really talks about the balance that you have to strike more succinctly than anything else that I've come across and interestingly not a college graduate so I guess my mistake was the extra college degrees okay leadership is about influence it's not about authority if you're leading based on authority that's dictatorship and the parenting model would be because I said so not I mean it is a technique but not one I would recommend leadership at its heart is a relationship between the leader and the follower it's a social contract the follower is is putting the needs of the team ahead of themselves trusting that the leader is going to take care of them right so there's there's trust there's a social contract that that we're doing something and we're committed to something greater than ourselves so then if leadership is about influence exercising influence requires that we actually understand something about the people that we're leading right that we know what they value we know what they care about we know what motivates them I mean it's kind of hard to influence someone if you don't know those things I'd like to suggest to you that before we talk about leading others you first have to know yourself and and how to lead yourself so I like to throw up some old dead people quotes because they're smarter than me so why make up something new there was a Latin proverb so really old and I provided the Latin just to just to prove my point it says it is absurd that a man should rule others who cannot rule himself so pardon pardon the gender preference there that's that's the ancient Romans for you but but the point being that if you cannot manage if you cannot govern yourself you have no business leading others you just don't and then like we talked about before to lead yourself it means you have to know yourself so one of my favorite philosophers so crates famously said know thyself right it's it's old it's it's an old theme so I like to begin with one of my mentors Michael Scott of office fame he says there's always a distance between a boss and the employees it's just nature's rule it's in its intimidation mostly it's the awareness that they are not me world's best boss bought for himself outstanding what self-awareness actually is is the conscious conscious knowledge of one's own characters feelings motivations values okay it's who we are at our core sometimes it's hard to know until it's been placed under pressure what you really know we have things that we like to think about ourselves but then you never really know till it's put to the test main obstacles to self-awareness the Dunning Kruger effect so show of hands were quick how many people have ever heard of this effect before all right you're better off than me found out about when I googled it on last night you know but actually I know not entirely true I knew about it a little bit before then but the Dunning Kruger effects is psychologically speaking speaking I'll defer to Dr. Kim on this so I am not an expert it's the belief that we are in fact better than we are we tend to ascribe to ourselves greater proficiency or cognitive abilities than in fact we have it's why bad drivers think that they're good drivers or people who sing karaoke think they can sing the point being if you if you're not completely self-aware chances are you are biased in your own favor the other barrier being our endless seemingly endless capacity to rationalize and justify our choices our decisions and our behaviors Stephen Covey I think put it best in in saying that we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and we judge others in their actions will ascribe motives to people but for ourselves we don't like to look at what we actually did we like to look at the thought process that went in behind it so why then self-awareness if it's so hard problematic because it's the foundation it's the basis for real leadership that is based in influence beginning with emotional intelligence so what is emotional talents you people talk about it all the time oh he has low emotional intelligence you know or so and so it's really emotional intelligent what does that mean it's what it what emotional intelligence really is is the ability to recognize and understand the emotions in ourselves and in others so that we can modify moderate change our behavior accordingly to help manage our relationships better okay we we've we've all seen people and and for those of you've read my articles you you may recall I talk about a particular colonel that had failed to lead and had one of the worst climate assessments actually the worst in his numbered Air Force's history and he was well known I knew his his chief who was advising him and he would routinely interact with people he come out and he said that went great and that chief was like no that was a dumpster fire just the complete inability to read a room to understand what was going on with people so you need you need to be self-aware so that you can become more emotionally intelligent authentic can you be authentic if you don't know who you are there are a lot of leaders running around out there who are no longer who they started out to be they feel like they have to be something that they aren't they make a rank and so they therefore feel like they need to act the part instead of just being who they are genuine down to earth right the real McCoy if you think about the leaders that you've interacted with who have had the most influence on with you on you it's the people that you establish a genuine connection with because they're real they're not aloof they're not detached they seem to be who they portray themselves to be they're not different at work than they are at home they just are who they are that's very appealing and the last one this is also getting an increasing amount of press as a leadership principle old things become new if you do any reading on you know some of those old dead guy quotes that I threw up there earlier you'll see a lot about the importance of humility and real humility comes from the appreciation the understanding and the acceptance that none of us is perfect and that's okay real genuine humility is what allows us to grow and develop because if we try and convince ourselves that we're perfect first of all you'll probably experience what's called imposter syndrome where you'll feel like a fraud because in fact you are you can only fool yourself for so long but then how can you improve if you don't ever recognize that you've made mistakes or you need to improve so then if we if you accept hopefully I didn't okay job of convincing you that self-awareness is important how then do you become self-aware I like to think that there are three pillars because I like three I can count to three three is good one is reflection so we don't actually learn from our experiences we learn from reflecting on our experiences we've all done that we've all had the conversations where you know you're oh I should have said this I should have done that but we do it when normally we're in an emotionally charged state we don't do it for the most part on a day-to-day basis what went well during my day what did not go well what could I have done better if this went well what about it that I can replicate in the future if it didn't go well what do I change for the next time reflection assessments there are a number of them out there you take your Myers-Burr eggs you can take your four lenses there's also 360 feedbacks most of you know that I'm a pretty big fan of those there's also things like the climate surveys the deox that are available to commanders if they want to get a sense you know for when commanders and the leadership team so superintendents as well right what's going on in our organization am I being effective the important thing to remember with an assessment is they they only work if you're open to what they have to say and to recall also that it's a snapshot in time because if you are learning and growing that picture that assessment is going to change over time and then last are those accountability partners those people that you really trust to tell you tell you how you are actually doing very important coach mentor significant other someone that you will listen to and hear tough things because you know that they have your best interests at heart the goal of course for those of you've been through any sort of orienteering are been camping or been lost in the woods understand the importance of triangulation if you have a single point of reference you might have a general direction maybe if you even know remember how to read your compass but if you get two points you start to get a little bit closer you have an ellipse your your circular error probable starts to shrink but three ideally spaced you know not from the same point of origin is probably is going to give you your best that you can operate from of course my my GPS friends out there will tell you actually you know you get for you get you know your height as well that's good information the most important thing though that I want to I want to tell you all and reinforce for you all self-awareness a snapshot in time is only that if you're not continually assessing seeking feedback incorporating that feedback you you aren't where you think you are you just you're just not and the longer you go between those snapshots the greater the cognitive dissonance that you're going to experience because your input and how you're interacting is not going to match with your mental image that you have of yourself so you will read and pursue things that aren't necessary what you need to read and pursue and develop in yourself because your site picture isn't valid so enjoy the journey I mean it's it's an endless journey I'm still learning things okay I am retiring at the end of May hanging up the uniform but even to this day as a director on the staff I am learning I'm making mistakes I'm owning them and trying to learn and get better so never stop it's a lot of fun some sometimes it's frustrating but for the most part for the most part it is a lot of fun so if I'm if I'm going to import something to you that I've learned is that life and leadership is all about relationships no person was created to be alone one of the harshest and most cruel forms of punishment any individual can inflict on another is to completely isolate them from human contact it's just awful even for an introvert like me so I see this and it fills me almost with a sense of anxiety I have to interact with all the people yes because that's really where the value in life is so half of that relationship of any relationship you have is you so get to know yourself embrace yourself including your flaws and hopefully can y'all read that if not all I'll read it to you very quickly one of my favorite Dilberts I am a Dilbert fan the point of your boss says to Dilbert I want you to give me an honest assessment of my leadership 30 minutes later Dilbert responds like being stabbed by an angry clown while drowning in a septic tank and that point of your boss goes back to cat Bert and says have you heard of honesty it's terrible the truth will set you free but it's pretty harsh at times like when you go back to the gym after you've laid off for a while you will you will hurt in places that you didn't even know you had muscles but it gets easier gets better especially as you move you at first you'll reject what you hear some of it because we're full up rationalization but if you internalize what's being said look for the truth even when it makes you angry put the emotions aside put your own biases aside and look at the totality of who you are and seek that feedback you will become a better person you'll know you're there when you can honestly laugh at yourself and and the silly things that you've done and and the mistakes that you made and and you welcome the feedback because you know it'll make you better don't take yourself so seriously and for our four nation partners and allies who are who are here with us if you have not seen the movie stripes you really need to because I think one of the seminal moments in there is when one of the characters says call me psycho if you call me Francis I'll kill you and the train at the drill instructor looks at him and says fighting up Francis so don't take yourself too seriously take our profession seriously take your obligation to your airmen and and your folks seriously but never take yourself too seriously and a last point I'd like to remind everybody especially in this age of resiliency it should always be an age of resiliency right but the focus that we have on it your yesterday your today does not define your tomorrow unless you let it don't surrender that kind of power learn from whatever mistakes whatever is happening the relationships that have been damaged and choose today and tomorrow to repair those things to learn and to be a better version of yourself there's always hope and it begins with self-awareness and growing yourself so like the Admiral I wish you the very best on your leadership journey whether you're just starting out or you're nearing the end of your time in uniform you're never done with your relationships and you're never done leading yourself or others so with that thank you very much for your time I hope you have a wonderful event