 Item number SCP-050 Object Class, Euclid Special Containment Procedures So far, all attempts to contain SCP-050 have proven fruitless. Footnote 1 Testing to contain SCP-050 has been discontinued at this time. At present, whoever has possession of SCP-050 is to leave it in an office they use regularly. Footnote 2 Attempts to leave SCP-050 at unused offices have resulted in it following its owner home. This is a violation of regulations and not to be allowed. Description SCP-050 appears to be a statue of a monkey reading a book, approximately one foot tall. Footnote 3 One of the quirks of SCP-050 is that no matter what form of measurement is used, any record of said measurements will quickly be replaced by the customary system measurements. When the bottom of the statue are engraved the words, to the cleverest and cursive script. The statue has so far proven resistance to all forms of damage. Footnote 4 Attempts to damage SCP-050 have resulted in increasingly lethal pranks. As of this writing, destruction testing is discontinued. As such, there is no accurate method to date the object. When left alone, SCP-050 has shown itself to be both useful and antagonistic to its current owner. Footnote 5 Seek Document 050 Although never seen to move, no matter the manner or amount of recordings, any room is left in becomes very clean to a polish whenever possible. Paperwork is filed, trash is emptied, and a general clutter is removed. However, SCP-050 also has a tendency to leave traps for its owner, so current holders should carefully check their offices upon returning. Document 050 The Great Researcher-Prank War of ████████ on January ████, 2000 During an attempted capture of SCP-963 by Chaos Insurgency agents, Dr. Breit made use of 963's intrinsic capabilities to make fools of the attempted kidnappers. When Breit returned to his office, he found a monkey statue waiting for him. His office had been tidied in his absence, and everything filed away, which came as something of a shock for the naturally messy Dr. Breit. Upon further investigation, it was found that, despite the apparent tidiness of his office, all of his pens had been drained of all but the last bit of ink, and several important documents had been translated in aromac. Dr. Breit immediately began the usual testing of the new SCP, but found himself going nowhere until Dr. Wright's, as payback for something unspecified, smeared his desk with one half of a compound epoxy, and applied the other half of the compound to his utensils. At this point, SCP-050 vanished from Dr. Breit's office, reappearing in Dr. Wright's office, whereupon 050 began to clean up again. After several tests, it became apparent that SCP-050 was easily contained, as long as no one outside the Foundation proved to be cleverer than the Foundation scientists. Of course, this led to many of the Foundation scientists seeking to claim the title of most clever for themselves, and thus began the great researcher prank war of ██████ Memorandum 050-A. No good will come of this, 05 ████. Entry 1. Breit vs. English. Entry 1. Dr. English access is SCP-705. 705 is allowed access to approximately 100 lbs. of similarly colored Play-Doh. After several minutes' conversation, the new army retreats to the ventilation shafts. No footage of Dr. Breit's room exists, but several hours later Dr. Breit stumbles out, covered in little red welts, and red Play-Doh, swearing and muttering, SCP-050 transfers ownership to Dr. English. English vs. Isendorf. 11.30 PM on ██████ Agent Strelnikov is seen exiting his room in full rage, carrying a machine gun. Smoke pours from the open door of his quarters. Senior researcher Isendorf is later found to be in possession of 050, proving that a good enough prank will attract 050's attention no matter the target. Entry 3. Isendorf vs. Kondracki. At 10.25 am ████ Dr. Isendorf returned from a brief copy break to discover a typed note sitting on the desk, rewritten here. Dr. Isendorf. It seems there was a problem with the Class-A amnesiac requested following your SCP-231 assignment. Please hop on the next plane leaving from the site, and wait until someone comes and picks you up so that we can get all this sorted out. Cheers. 05 ████ Despite factual and stylistic errors in this note, and appropriately informal style, the fact that there is no overseer of SCP-314, Dr. Isendorf apparently took the note seriously and became highly distressed. Dr. Isendorf boarded the next airplane leaving Site-23, which turned out to be a regularly scheduled flight traveling to Site-19. Dr. Isendorf apparently did not realize this until landing, at which point he still waited over 8 hours outside the site, before a guard found him and asked him what he was doing. Dr. Isendorf soon confirmed that he had never been assigned to SCP-231, and quickly worked out what had happened. SCP-050 was observed in the office of Dr. Kondracky later that same day. Kondracky vs. Cald 07 ████, 2009 Dr. Kondracky was called away by Assistant Researcher Hoss under the pretense of an SCP-173 containment breach. Security cameras recovered footage of the ensuing prank. Upon returning to his office, Kondracky pauses briefly when it reaches his door. Moments later he is seen backing slowly out of his office, keeping his eyes fixed on something inside. It was later revealed that Dr. Cald had placed a replica of SCP-173 in Kondracky's office, positioned in such a way that it faced the door, establishing eye contact with whoever might enter the room. Kondracky continued to retreat until slipping on a hit or two unnoticed puddle of cooking oil. The replica of SCP-173, made of wireframe, paper mache, and spray paint, was relocated to Dr. Kondracky's office shortly followed by SCP-050. Cald vs. Yorick Upon returning to his office on ████, 2009, Dr. Cald was surprised to find a statue replaced with a note reading, I can't believe no one thought of this. The statue was later located in the staff locker of Agent Yorick, who had simply stolen it. Yorick vs. Cald Statue returned to Cald, Yorick's living space and utter disarray. Agent Yorick is found unconscious. The words, to be earned, tattooed on his forehead through unknown means. Cald vs. Light Cald vs. Light Cald vs. Light Cald vs. Light From ██, 2009 to ██, 2009, maintenance teams were called twenty-seven times to Dr. Cald's office while he was out, all having received orders to install, repair, or remove a piece of furniture from his office, apparently at random. Dr. Cald became increasingly paranoid about these intrusions, considering his possession of SCP-050 and that ████ of ████, 2009, decided to bring his paperwork and the SCP back to his quarters and work from there. Upon entering his quarters, Dr. Cald was doused by the contents of a bucket carefully balanced on the entrance to his door jam. Ownership of SCP-050 changes to Dr. Light. Light vs. Coleman On ██, 2009, Dr. Coleman was seen pinning a notice to the Break Room Notice Board which read, due to the effects of SCP ██, all personnel who have received an amnesiac of any kind within the past six months are required to report to Dr. Light immediately. This was signed and notarized by no fewer than seventeen members of O5 Command and senior staff. After seeing this, an email was immediately sent out retracting the information and causing mass panic among some of our more paranoid employees. After what can only be described as a thumb rush on Dr. Light's newly refurbished office resulting in the destruction of many items contained within, SCP-050 was found on Dr. Coleman's desk. Coleman vs. Okagawa On ██, 2009, Dr. Coleman was called out of his quarters by an email from an unknown source. Five minutes later, security footage showed Dr. Okagawa entering Schumacher's quarters carrying a bag with unknown contents and leaving the room a few minutes later without the bag. Upon returning, Coleman discovered a dead rodent which appeared to have been slattered into secretions of SCP-447. Personnel in adjacent rooms reported hearing a stream of profanity followed by a thud. Researchers found him passed out on the floor while the slime was later identified as green gelatin from the kitchen and the dead rat as a rubber toy. SCP-050 was later found in Dr. Okagawa's office. Okagawa vs. Chappelle's Ski Videologue ██, 2009, 1234 PM, Dr. Okagawa leaves for the cafeteria, presumably for lunch, late breakfast. Researcher Tepelski is seen entering Dr. Okagawa's office, carrying several testing vials in SCP-████. Left the office five minutes later, closing the door behind him rather hurriedly. Okagawa returns ten minutes later, opens the door and is snagged by a large tentacle which pulls him into the office and shuts the door behind him. A security team is dispatched to Okagawa's office and discovers him entangled by a giant squid. The team is seen trying to neutralize the cephalopod in free Okagawa. The animals remains were subsequently destroyed. SCP-050 has been located in Researcher Tepelski's office. Tepelski vs. Jones vs. Tepelski vs. Jones vs. Bright Entry 11-1 on ██, 2012, Researcher Tepelski came into work at approximately 0800 and promptly received a pie in the face courtesy of Project Director Jones. SCP-050 was found on Project Director Jones' desk later that afternoon. What? That wasn't original at all, Dr. Bright. Entry 11-2 on ██, 2012, Project Director Jones reported to his post researching SCP-████ upon entering the facility he was met by Researcher Tepelski who threw two pies at his face. SCP-050 was found in Researcher Tepelski's office 10 minutes later. Entry 11-3 on ██, 2012, Tepelski entered his office to find Project Director Jones waiting for him with three pies which he promptly threw at the Researcher's face. SCP-050 appeared in Jones' workplace that evening. Guys, I think we broke it. Project Director Jones. Entry 11-4 in the middle of the workday, Dr. Bright entered Jones' Research Lab with four pies which he threw in his face. As he was leaving, security footage records him saying, This better not fucking work. SCP-050 was on Dr. Bright's desk upon his return. Notes, God damn it, Dr. Bright. Okay, no more fucking pies, alright? Project Director Jones. Bright vs SCP-732. In 2012, an error occurred in the Foundation Main Database, reassigning System Technician Kent to a squad did stop to Dreadlord S. Toff side the cleaning crews during the segging of Castro Hellfire assignment. Joshua Kent was ordered to save to Princess Ashley from the Baron Blackstaff. Sewage with several gallons of feces, gold and platinum, $9 on his head. During the second half of the assignment, Sir Kent and his friends the magical Nightbob had to test several Super Magic weapons despite the odor. During this time a routine system sweep had found a barrel of pure awesomeness in the database. Despite the numerous nearby systems that could have been infected, SCP-1337 fought the Dreadlord on a volcano concerning System Technician Kent's assignment. System Technician Kent was returned to Site-23 largely unharmed, SCP-050 was discovered sitting by a hard drive heavily infected with SCP-732 with the statue seemingly considered a virus its new owner. Entry-13 Entry-14 Entry-15, SCP-732 vs. Light On ██, 2012, Dr. Light connected the SCP-732 infected hard drive to a scanner and asked 732 if it could produce lolcat images on request. Its response presented in the form of an 8,000 word erotic story featuring itself in the form of a man named Lord Kickass, Dr. Light and ██ was that with the help of SCP-050 it could do anything. Dr. Light provided SCP-732 with scanned photographs of SCP-577, SCP-529, SCP-607, and two instantiations of SCP-331, SCP-732 produced 10 lolcat images for each photograph. Dr. Light then provided SCP-732 with SCP-637 in the form of a drawing by SCP-637-2. As a result of this, SCP-732 was rapidly overwritten with an estimated 63 GB of text describing SCP-637's actions and appearance, whether this information could have filled all available computer memories unknown, as the last actions of the Lord Kickass instantiation were to induce total mechanical failure to its hard drive, accompanied by catastrophic uncontrolled oxidation. SCP-050 was found in Dr. Light's office the next morning. Note, SCP-637-2 reports that SCP-637 was not harmed by adventure into SCP-732, but that its fur was really messed up. Note, other copies of SCP-732 seem unaffected by the suicide of Lord Kickass.