 Hello there, lovers and friends. I am taking your calls today. I'm not taking your calls today at all, actually. That's a lie. And the last lie, I'm going to tell this entire video because this is a truth-speaking, directly straight to the stomach, gut punch advice I'm going to be giving to some people who are looking for some help with dating, love and sex. But here's the kicker. All the questions that I'm going to be answering are submitted on my private blog, my private podcast for those who pre-ordered or those now who have bought my book, The Game of Desire. Sabrina! Hey, Shannon. I'm 21 and I never have been in a relationship. This is a long-ass question, Sabrina. I got to shorten this. I got to shorten this shit up. I've never been in a relationship. I've always had a strictly sexual relationship since I lost my virginity at 18. Basically I need advice on what to do with my first love being that I've never felt like this before. Here's the background. Let me read it silently and then I'll summarize it for you guys. All right, Sabrina. You win the award for the most common question of the year. I love it because a lot of times people's really common questions are over-explained. This is one that we can all not along to. She got sexually involved with somebody who was narcissistic or just not fully developed emotionally yet. As a result, this individual did not promise commitment but has kept her around on a string and uses her for sexual benefits once in a while and confuses her but ultimately does not treat her like the kind of person that she sees herself as and does not treat her with respect or with a consideration for her feelings. You're addicted. You're 21 years old. This is your first real connection as you just said and as a result of that you have created a pair bond with somebody who is toxic for you and this individual also may have some semblance of addiction to you but right now they don't prioritize partnership. They don't know how to show up for somebody in a healthy responsible way when there is an intimate connection and as a result they're being a dick because they're all over the place. They don't understand themselves and you are being a mess because you're all over the place. You don't understand yourself. You just have to pull back. You have to be stronger than your desires, acknowledge the fact that there's nothing in this for you because there isn't and your ego has now gotten involved which has made it even worse for you. Cut your ties. Cut your losses. Don't try to be friends with somebody who is not friendly towards you. Somebody who wouldn't to your point walk you to a train station at night. Don't try to keep ties or be cordial. Don't care if he likes you anymore. Don't care if you're still cool. It doesn't matter. This person at this time is not worth your energy and you are only going to continue to over invest and I often use the slot machine analogy. You are the person at the casino who has put 100,000 coins in the machine and instead of realizing you ain't never going to get the payout, you just keep on going and I want to know how much more money you're willing to waste before you just get up and go. This is your get up and go moment. Go. Ab says, Shannon, I'm in a loving and committed situation with a man who is good to me, my family and supports my goals and ambitions. He's battling severe depression and is making so much progress but it is so afraid of the label of boyfriend even though he's acting as my partner. I've been supporting him through his depression and try to give him space when he needs it and love when I can. I truly have no worries of him straying so I know the label is silly. Sometimes I wonder if this label is for me or for others. I don't know anymore. Ab's labels are important and I know that we hate that because we're like who cares about labels. Go to the grocery store if there's no labels on things. It's a fast way for people to consume and understand something complex. An apple is not just a Fuji. There's so much more. It's a round Fuji or a soft Fuji or a crisp Fuji. I don't really know all Fuji apples but every Fuji apple is unique and the label doesn't completely define it but at a quick glance, I love what you just said when you're explaining your relationship to friends and families, labels can be very helpful and they can debunk a lot of confusion and stop you from having to over explain to every individual. Your partner, if they are your partner, what I suspect is happening is that he doesn't feel like he's in a place to be someone's boyfriend. I went through this experience with my partner Jared wherein he said, I don't even know me yet. I'm still figuring out me and so I don't want to take on the responsibility of someone else when I'm still trying to figure out my own self and my own emotions. I had to explain to him that commitment wasn't about expectation. Commitment was about celebration of what we already have. There are not going to be any more expectations. I'm not planning on adding any more bills to your plate or adding any more stress or drama. This is just a way for us to communicate what we're experiencing with others and a way for us to extend what we already are doing and so perhaps it's a matter of you changing the language so that your partner understands why the label is so important to you and don't be afraid to admit that yeah, it's because of friends and family. It's because of outside forces and it has nothing to do with you feeling unsatisfied with your connection, but more of you looking for a fast way to explain your satisfaction of your connection to others. All right, Ariel Emmanuel says, hi Shan, love all of this. Thank you for providing this space. I was recently listening to all of your podcast episodes and in one episode you mentioned mistaking a generally nice person for a narcissist because of love flooding. How can you tell the difference between manipulative love flooding and genuine love flooding when your intuition is silent? Thank you, Ariel. Ariel, how do you know the difference between a delicious burger? This is wrong. Ariel, the difference between love flooding and just a really kind person who's very affectionate and forthcoming with their affections for you is that there is a cause to that effect. The math has to equal out. What happens in love flooding is that you don't actually really do much. This person is just arbitrarily giving you all this praise. They don't really know you. They don't really have much to go off of. Intimacy, healthy intimacy is taking one small step with someone, making sure you feel safe, checking things out, feeling good in your environment, and then deciding to move forward. If someone is just advancing blindly and constantly making more investments into something that they're not sure about, be suspicious. Be suspicious of that person to do their clinger, meaning that they're not in love with you. They're in love with the idea of being loved and that desperation to be loved will honestly never be satiated. On the flip side, it's a person who's trying to get you emotionally manipulated. They're giving you all these feel-good feelings in the beginning, and those of you who have not listened to the podcast, love flooding essentially is somebody who creates the slot machine effect with emotions. They give you a big payout off the top as soon as you connect with them. They're like, you're awesome. You're beautiful. They're calling you constantly. They're always hitting you up. You're just this incredible light in their eyes. Then slowly over time, they start decreasing the amount of attention they give you. Nothing creates an addiction like an inconsistent reward. Somebody who loves floods starts to give you an inconsistent reward. Sometimes they're warm to you. Sometimes they're cold. Sometimes you do a nice thing for them. They do a nice thing for you, and sometimes they don't. That gets your ego involved. It gets your emotions involved. It gets your risk and reward center and your brain involved. Now you have a gambling addiction to a human being. The difference though, when it's an actual nice person, is the ends equal the means. You do something kind for them and they show gratitude for that kind action. You advance the intimacy and then they reciprocate on their ends. You do something or say something really funny and they laugh. It has to equal out. You start raising eyebrows when you're like, I know I'm great, but you don't actually know I'm great yet. What the fuck is going on here? Ash says, Hey Shan, thanks to you, my ability to make intimate connections with others has drastically improved. I used to be someone who cringed at the thought of meeting new people for the fact that I'm in a space where I feel lost. I'm in search of my passion in working a data nine to five. I recently began talking to my crush who I've already been super open and honest about. And now I'm starting to feel nervous about potentially meeting his family and friends because I don't feel fully fulfilled in that area of my life and with no fault of his own. For some reason that insecurity is resurfacing. Should I put off dating altogether until I can find my passion and fulfill this part of myself slash life? Ash, I'm so glad that you have the game of desire because Stephanie in the book is a mirror image to you. And if you have read the book, I hope you truly connected to her in her space. And in the end, Stephanie said something that was so profound to me that at the time that she said it, I don't think she realized that she was speaking to herself, but in truth she was. She said that in life it's about being happy and satisfied and proud of your story, whatever it is at the time. The worst thing you can do is downplay yourself. You have to be the kind of person who wants to date you and you are not a summation of your career achievements. You are not characterized by your job. There's so many more incredible, multifaceted, interesting and lovable parts of you that have nothing to do with what you do between the hours of 9 and 5 p.m. Those are the hours for you to sustain a lifestyle and for you to have extra money to find joy in other areas. And so why would you stop yourself from experiencing joy when you have that opportunity with someone who seems to care about you? And I would say, you have a job, girl. Like why are you positioning it in a way that it's shameful or that it's not something to be proud of? It's however you pick, you say it. If you came up to me and you said, I work in the coal mining field, it's really exciting. It's never boring. I do work that feels meaningful and I every day come home feeling like, wow, I've contributed to society. Why would I ever look down on that person? If someone says to me, though, yeah, I work in the coal mines, it's a dead-end job. I feel sick to my stomach. I hate my boss. I hate myself. I hate being there. But yeah, it's just where I'm at in life. That person, yes. That's not the kind of person who I want to talk to at a dinner party. So you are in charge of your narrative. And your narrative starts with the story that you tell yourself. So I would say, rephrase this question, start being proud of who you are. At 27 years old, let me go back. Let me go back. I lived in a salon basement. I worked doing background still for those of you guys who know me from Mean Girls. I did background from age 18 to 27 years old. I still did background in movies, and I worked as a photographer on wedding photography. Actually at 29, that's not true. At 25, I worked retail. So I'm just saying who knows where your story is going to end up, but you got to own your story right now and also own your right to experience joy, especially if you found somebody who makes you feel like a better version of yourself. I think that we unfortunately look at relationships as a distraction to a prosperous life, whereas in statistically, relationships equate to a prosperous life. The quality and quantity of your relationships will dictate how happy and fulfilled you are on this planet. I know in America, we push the job first thing and we push the individualistic success first thing. That's just not the truth. And I think that we have a very messed up society from that backwards thinking. Don't be a victim of that. If you have not got my book, The Game of Desire, it is available everywhere that books are sold. Um, yeah, I don't even, that's all. That's all I want to say. I'm going to get back to these questions. I'm going to finish reading them at some point. In some video, it's just not going to be today. I set the intention, but I did not meet my goal. And that's okay. I still did good. I'm still proud of myself. And I'm still going to get extra butter at the movies.