 Hey, Tony Gaston is here now. I told y'all when I shot the video for the Tender Swindler, I asked, I said, hey, if any of y'all have a story from online dating, just reach out to support at TonyGaston.com. Got a few emails, but we had somebody that was available today, so I said, hey, while it's hot, I want to just jump right on it and just have a conversation so I can learn more about online dating from other perspectives, but also just hear stories so that other people can learn from it and it's from real people who watch my videos in my audience and not just something on Netflix that we saw. So thank you so much, Ms. Belinda, for being on. I'm so glad you was able to make it here. So first I want to ask you, you know, tell me a little bit about yourself. I know your name is Belinda. If you, whatever you want to share, where you live, what kind of work you do, what have you? I live in Atlanta, Georgia. I work in higher ed. I won't say where. And I'm an accountant and currently in process of changing my career from accounting to law. Okay, okay, awesome. And right now your relationship status, single, married, divorced. Single, divorced. Okay, awesome. Are you a mother? No, not yet. Okay, awesome, awesome. So now you have an online dating story that kind of took you through some things. Now what site were you using? Well, before we go there, I want to ask you, what was the thought process? And now remove all my voice of online dating this and that. And just take me through your thought process when you were getting ready to get online, what you said to yourself and what gave you the courage to just go ahead and jump out there and try it. The thought process, I was divorced for six years prior to it. So I wanted to try something new. That wasn't the way. I was divorced six years prior to it. So now you have one divorce or two. Two now. So, so you got the sauce on you, you got the marriage sauce on you. Yes. You need a bottle of that and sell it because I know, you know, it's tough out here to get married one time. And so now when you got on there, what was the site that you got on? Plenty of fish. Plenty of fish, which I call plenty of sharks. Yes. Okay. And now what year was this? 2012. So it's been out there for a while. And okay, so now, so tell me the story, you know, who you met, how it went and where it took you. I met a gentleman. As you was saying earlier about people not being able to go meet in person and stuff like that, because the awkward. Well, everybody is there. Any awkward gentleman is definitely there. They don't want to meet anybody in person or at a bar by themselves because they don't know how to approach a woman. So I met this gentleman. We met at Starbucks. And he was late. Strike one. Strike two, he didn't own his vehicle. Strike three. He was not able to really afford his apartment, but he was affording it. And as time went by, we ended up dating for about a year and a half. And then he proposed. We got married. I ended up buying a house. This is where the debt starts adding up before you go there now. And I think that's the kind of picture of him for me, like, raise, hide, wait, color, job. They work for a well-known warehouse. So you had a pension. You had, you made more money than me. You had a nice car. You had. Not education, but okay. All right. I can give you a slide on that, which now, no, can't nobody slide on that. I knew how to talk. You respected your mother. So I thought. It's just a lot of things that was revealed to me that said that this person had some issues. How tall was it? I'm five, six, so he was probably five, nine. And on the look scale, what, how would you describe his look? You know, very handsome to you. Okay. I have girlfriends that say I always pick a celebrity as my mate. First one was a Tyree's Gibbs looking like. The other one was a, I guess you can compare him to David Washington, Denzel's son. Okay. Okay. Okay. So on the attractive scale, you know, he was attractive to you. Yes. Okay. Okay. And what was his age? He was three years younger than me. Younger. Three years younger than you. And at the time, were you doing the same job you do now? No. And so he made more than you. Yes. And y'all met at Starbucks. And y'all dated for about a year and a half. Now in the dating. What were some red flags in the day? I recall an incident. No, I recalled him constantly running. And he said, I will always say this. When we get into arguments, he ran. I later found out why. But in arguments, he couldn't, he couldn't handle confrontation. And, and it could have been the simplest things of our argument, something that could have been easily settled. One incident, I was in the restroom. And he came in and we was talking about something and it was just some look in his eye that looked like he was going to attack me. That should have been my red flag right there. I ignored it and maybe thought it was me. Filling that way and proceeded with the relationship. Yeah, I see. Now you say you later found out why he would run. What was the reason? Because he put his hands on me. Okay. So he would kind of shut down so that trying not to show that side of himself. Yep. But later he showed that side of himself. Yes. And so he was, you say three years younger than you. Now what was his plenty of fish story? Was it like something he always was on or what, what did he say about why he got on there or how long he had been on there? I didn't really know how long he was been on there. I think he was on quite a few sites. And. At that time you really wasn't thinking about people being on sites like that. Like I say, I was new to it. So I really didn't discuss that, but I kind of wish I did. Now your first husband, did you meet him on an online site? No, sir. Okay, okay. We were working, we were school, we were summer workers. That's how we met. Okay, okay. So, so you had experience of meeting a man out in the real world. And dating him and getting married to him, learning lessons from that. And then the next time you say, well, let me try online been divorced six years. You got online. And now in the dating phase with you and this gentleman, how often did y'all talk? Every day to the point that it was like high school law again, like you will literally sit up here and sit on the phone until I fell asleep. Yeah, that that's tight. Give me one second because you just said something. And I said, you know what? I just said this earlier. I was on this here video. And I say, I need to go ahead and I hadn't made it public yet. But I said, I need to go ahead and put this out there before people say, oh, Tony did that after she said that. But I said something like that about, you know, the love bomb, just talking to you the whole time. It was like high school all over again. Now, when it came to just y'all's chemistry, did you feel, did it feel compatible? Like, did you feel like, like your first guy, you say it was kind of like a Tyrese look alike. So this guy was like David Washington look alike. Did it feel like y'all had that chemistry like that connection or was, were you forcing it or did it fit? Well, he wasn't forcing because he was talking to you every day. Like, was it in your lane? Like, did it feel comfortable? It felt comfortable until my family met him. Okay. So what did the family say? My father said, I need you to stop finding guys that you can run over. I was like, oh, okay. My sister said, no, he ain't it. He's not it because he's a punk. Playing his day. And everybody seems to have known what's something that I did not see. Now, did he live in Atlanta? Yes. Okay. Okay. And so punk by punk, she meant maybe. No, I'm from Chicago. So that's what they called. Right. Yes. And I mean, punk, that means like, could it be on both sides? No, no, no, no. I couldn't say the other word, but a B. Oh, okay. Okay. Yes. Okay. Now, now that kind of man. I think they kind of was saying he might like me. Like, um, I, I kind of figured that too. Yeah, I kind of, I kind of suspect that now too. Yeah, because a man giving off that vibe to, to your dad, to your sister, it sounded like in a nice way, they was trying to say, listen, but Linda, he's not into women without saying it. That's what it, that's kind of what I'm picking up on now. So how long did y'all date? You say a year and a half. We got married the beginning of 2014. New Year's Day. Okay. In the new years. Okay. So he proposed at what month? My birthday in 2013. Okay, okay. And when y'all got married, how, how long apart was that from when he proposed and when y'all got married? Probably about six months. About six months. Okay. And at this time you say he's working. He's making good money, had a nice car. And when y'all got married, now take me through that story right there, like what happened next when you say you bought a house and this where the debt kind of started to come. Got the house Labor Day 2013. And the day before the marriage, we had an argument. My parents was there. And he did something to where he snatched me or he grabs something and I was like, yo, we don't have to get married tomorrow. We can have a New Year's Day party, all this food that I got. We don't have to get married tomorrow. You can go. And he was like, that's not what I meant. So we ended up getting married that day. Fast forward five months later. Mother's Day. We went to go see his mother. Had a low country ball. And we came home. He was a little bit intoxicated from celebrating with his mom at his mom's house. So he went to go take a nap. Phone rings. So you don't lay this name on his phone. So who's, who's that. Who is such and such. I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe he didn't hear me. Who is such and such. I don't know what you're talking about. So I'm gonna ask this one more time. Who is such and such. I don't know what you're talking about. And proceeds to roll over and go to sleep. So I get up. And I grab the phone and run. He runs by me. And proceeds to fight me as if I was a dude on the street. I said, okay. I'm screaming. I'm your wife. I don't know if you forgot you blacked out what I'm your wife. So. That was the first time. Second time happened when I was 35. On my birthday. And I had already been dealing with some depression because of him. So I was on Xanax. And if I wasn't on Xanax that night, I probably would, my life would have probably changed that night. Because somebody was going to pass. So by the grace of God, I was able to get in the bathroom and call the cops. And when they came, he has stole the car. And they had sat there and basically. He's calling me on the phone and I'm telling you the cops standing there. And you basically the cop is telling him, you need to bring that car back here. Because when we find you. It's going to be a different story. So you need to bring her her vehicle back. So he finally came back. They talked to him. And then they arrested him that night. So on my bird, not 35th birthday. I'm at the court. I'm at the court for domestic violence. Hmm. That is something. So that was kind of like his thing. He would. And he had a thing for dates. Like he told special dates, New Year's. Marry you. Your birthday to get engaged. Your other birthday to put hands on you the day before the wedding to snatch you. So it was kind of like he had this issue with your, with big days, like he would act out. Big days and I believe jealousy. That morning, the day before that day that it happened, my mother had just said something about wishing me happy birthday on Facebook and I read it to him. And I don't know what happened after that. He had a mother in his life, right? What about a father? They still married. Hmm. So. It sounds like he wanted you to be more isolated. So that he could annihilate the isolation before annihilation because. With him being a type to get physical. If you being the victim are close to people. And you got representation, you got love and support. He can't really get away with everything he want to do. Right. That's what I'm hearing. Now, so how long were y'all married? We were married for, if it was up to me, it would have ended in 2014. My mother. Said people make mistakes. And I tried. I tried to the point that I was like, no, I don't feel right. I feel like I am going to lose my everything if he doesn't leave. So I ended it. I sold my house because I knew if I didn't sell my house, he was going to try and come back. So for years, I made sure. That he didn't know where I was. Where I was doing any of that. Until this day, he's still calls. I have been able to get the help that I need as far as like telling my story. Getting therapy and everything. I'm even. As part of my healing. Talking to him. And telling him and trying to encourage him to go seek help. Because he still doesn't understand what led him to none, none verbal communication for you to put your hands on me. I see. That is interesting. Now, and it could be it's obviously something inside of him, some he dealing with, you know, on the mental side and just in life, but feeling, especially if your sister say he a pump. That says, that says to me, he could have been picked on and taken advantage of growing up. And a lot of times when men go through that. The man, the man, we take that out on a woman. As an adult, because we finally in a place to where we could be the strong person. And so that that is. Unfortunate is common. He told me that I. He was terrified of me. And then he said recently that I motivated him to stand up to other people. And I'm like, okay, it's kind of conflicting. Which one is it? Was I was I a bully or what, what, what was it? You want to, you want to bully. He's saying he's just trying to flip that on you. He trying to, you know, victim blame. He's trying to, instead of him owning up to, he was just a disgusting human being at that time. And that's the thing, you know, a lot of men go through that. And so I remember I was 19, 20 years old in a talk to relationship. And I have to look back and say, you know, Tony, you was, you was a punk, you was a chump, you was a grown boy. And so instead of him saying that he's shifting it to you. Or you terrified me. But now when he said you encourage him, or he learned from you basically to be able to stand up to other people. It sounds like to me he's saying, by him getting physical with you, it built his confidence. That's what I'm hearing. That's sad. That's sad. But I think that's exactly what he's saying. And so now why do you still care? Like care enough to talk to me? I have no idea. And I guess it's the fact that I had a life with this person. Like I care about your wellbeing. I care if you're, you recently got coronavirus. I care about that. Okay. What were you doing? I don't know why I still care for people who don't really care for me. And I'm trying to figure that out. It's actually very common. It's very common for, I feel like 70 to 80% of women. And it could just be the nurturing nature of a woman. And then of course, therapists going to have their terms, I found, you know, I found it in, I found it to be very common. So whatever term that a therapist or a doctor would label it, it's not a small percentage of people. It's a lot of, it's a lot of women. And men typically will feel that way too, but men will mask it by sleeping around or getting into some other vice. So now, hmm, I don't think you should be talking to him. Oh, I'm about to end that. I'm ending that today. Yes, you should because he's a grown man and he knows what he did wrong and he knows what he needs to do to change and he doesn't need your help. You know, he need the professional help and you already told him that so he knows that and he knew that before you told him that. So you talking to him will be him playing a role to be able to slip back into your life even five years from now. He's also aware that it's ever increasingly difficult for you to date in this climate. One you in Atlanta, a lot of men, they're like men. And then the straight men are so into just sleeping with so many women and the strip clubs and just chasing money, they trading in real estate that they're not really focused on their relationship there. So it's a small. So he knows that. So he knows if you're willing to talk to talk to him and you're willing to keep that door open, that he eventually could slip back in there in a moment of desperation with which could be three years from now. You know, and so you got to get that distance, get that separation so you could work on you love you and do what you got to do. So how long total where y'all married. According to the paperwork a year. Okay, well, hey, that's that's good that it's short because it could have been I was expecting three or five years. So, I learned my lesson from the first marriage. That that's it. They are not going to change. Now let me ask you, did he ever give you money from you? Did you ever give him money, loan him money? No. Okay, okay. He didn't need your car. No. And he didn't ask you for no money. No, if anything, he he surprised me and gave me money. Okay, so that and I'm not used to that. I'm the give. I'm not used to receiving. Okay. Unfortunately, but Linda. That's that nurturing. No, no, not nurturing. You had your gay man. Unfortunately, you had your gay man because for him to be online dating. And then for him to get with you and be with you only around 14 months and then propose to you, but not be a good man. And I don't know if he was a good man. So you were his beer. You were his cover up. Like he got with you because, and then that lady named that popped up could have been a transvestite. It looked like it. It looked like it. It did. And his best friend was born. He was like, I don't know why he mess with the ugly woman, but I'm like, it don't look like a woman. You just proved it. See, you're a woman. You know what it looked like. She had a hard life. That was a man. Okay, because I'm recently like, I've been hearing them saying a guy's name a lot. Like, you know, you expect him to say a girl's name. I'm like, why are you on the phone with this guy so long? And I used to question that when he was on, when he was, when we were married, it used to be some other guy's name that he used to be like, yeah, I'm going out with such and such. And I'm looking like, y'all kind of close. You say his name more than you. Then you say my name. Yeah, yeah. And that ain't, that's not typical. That's not typical, the type of man that'll get married in two years. It's not typical for him to be so buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy with no man. And cause I'm the type of man that'll get married within two years. And I really don't even talk to guys on the phone. I don't even hang out with guys like that. Like every now and then go to a football game or something. But, and for that woman to look rough like that. And it's, it's a really big thing today. I'm hearing so many women, their man deals with transvestites. And it's very common. And I mean NFL players doing this NBA players doing this, like big strong muscular macho men doing this. So for your sister to call him a pump. And for your daddy to say, you can run over this man. They sent something they want to tell you. And then your mom, I don't know why moms do that, but it's probably because of when her and your dad was younger. But I wouldn't expect that she's the one who left him because she was dealing with stuff. And that's probably she got to her. She probably got to her breaking point. But she probably forgave some stuff. When in the very beginning she said, listen, people make mistakes. Because she probably didn't really feel like it was going to be that deep or go too far. And she probably had them forgave some people. And then also a mom wants as many grand babies as she could get. Yeah, she don't have to get get some, some dogs for that. So she probably was like, you know, it's bragging rights for a mom to say my daughter married. And then if you decide to have a kid or I got me a grand babe on the way, it's bragging rights. And it didn't also her just thinking about you. She know what it's like to be alone. She know it's not easy to be single. And just so her heart was like, listen, a man going to be a man, these men going to do some stupid stuff, like see if you could make it work. She was trying to see the bright side, but I'm glad that even though she said that you found the strength to leave after a year. So, okay, so, so what I would take my take away from yours is that soft men get online to find a cover up. That's my takeaway. Now you don't feel like you don't seem like you really thought that over lead that. I would have thought I would have eventually saw it. It was too early. It was too early. If y'all would have stayed together, you know, five years, even three years. It was, it was getting ready to come on out. But it was too early because it's so easy to do stuff and not, it not show up and not get called. It's really easy. So, not five or 10 years. Definitely you would have saw some things. Yeah, so. Well, Mr. Linda, I thank you for sharing that story. And what I would say to, to those of you who are, you know, watching this, what I would say is taking. Be mindful when you, if you online dating when you meet somebody that when you take this person around to your mother, your father, your siblings, your friends, and they give you some advice about this person to really sit with that and really take it to heart and really. Sometimes you've got to put the decision in the hands of somebody else who you know and love that's not hating on you because they could see what you can't see. And they're not in your shoes. They're on the outside looking in. So that's what I would say to everybody who sees this is to really take that into account from somebody. And if you don't have friends and family then send the person to me send me a picture and all the information to support that Tony gas and I write you back and tell you, yeah, that ain't gonna work because this right here is this is the thing. So you have and when I say scammers, like tender swindler, he was for money. But, but the other side is what you're going to have. You're going to have the guys who want money. You're going to have the guys who want easy. Access to a woman. And then you're going to, you're going to have the guys who want to cover up. And they'll just pick anybody. And so with, with, with you, Belinda, you have like a motherly nurturing vibe. You know, yeah, you could be tough and stuff, but you could tell that you have a loving spirit. And so these men's who looking for a cover up, they gravitate to women like you all of the time. Every time I see a woman with your spirit, not every time, but a lot of times I see a woman with your spirit and your energy. Just whole aura. When I see her man. A lot of times it's a man that I could tell is into men. And he going to this person who's not going to be super investigative or judgmental. Because you love yourself. So you judge people the way you judge and you. So if you ain't got nothing to hide, you're not expecting people to have something to hide. Or if you still not scarred or hurt from somebody in the past who had something to hide, because sometimes you can have nothing to hide, but because of what you went through, you really looking into this person. But you were actually healed. Them six years of being divorced, it actually healed you. You were healed and you were ready for love. So that's why you didn't jump to conclusions. You didn't want to judge him. You didn't want to, you know, believe what other people saying about him. You look for the good in him. But I'm glad. That was that's the true sense of self love. Because if it was self hate, you would have been so desperate that you would stay. So you're not going to have something to hide. You are going to have to live. So you're not going to have anything to hide. And there's millions of women going through what you went through and they still in it. They still in it five, seven years in. And they don't have a strength to lead. So I commend you on that. Thank you for that. Sit down and start writing it right out the whole thing. Oh, yeah. You want to use some. I know. I know it's a lot more in there that you ain't saying. you know so and but we get it and we'll save it for the book. So hey thank you so much for your time and to anybody else if you got a story similar to this or even deeper just write in the support at tonigaction.com and hopefully we can share some stories on here so other people could be mindful of some things to look out for. So thank you Belinda. Thank you. Have a good one. And you know what actually I'm a gift you to birth your book course. Thank you. But just for your time for you doing this and telling your story you putting yourself out there to help other people and you agree for this to be recorded and shared so I'm a gift you to birth your book course so if you ever want to just write flesh out a whole story even if it's a fiction story that you could hand out and bless people with I'm a gift that to you so send an email into support and with your first and last name and your email address and I'll add you on to tonigascansacademy.com. Okay thank you. All right thank you take care. All right you too. Bye bye.