 From Chicago, we invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Si Howard and starring J. Carol Nash. When Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write her and tell her about his adventures. So now we look over Luigi's shoulder as he writes another letter to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, how you like the nose from England? Princess Elizabeth does she have a little boy. So now England is she's really a mother country. In the last letter, you say you're surprised that my English writing is so good. I can explain you why. First thing, when I come to Chicago, I go to night school at night. I wish you, Mama Mia, you could see my teacher Miss Spaulding. She's got beautiful eyes like a Mediterranean. Her hair is gold like a sun over alps. And her shape. Mama Mia, if Italy isn't in such a good shape, they don't need a marshal plan. So you see, Mama Mia, I'm studying very hard because I don't want to be like our countryman Pasquale, who bring me here. He is here 26 years and all he knows is the two words, money and the rose. Is it too bad that she is not worth her weight in a gold? She's so fat, Mama Mia, that if fella marries her, he is a commit to bigger me. But this morning, I'm not thinking about the Pasquale or Rosa. I'm talking to my 12-year-old general manager, Jimmy O'Connor, who is like my son. And I'm helping him with his lessons before he goes to school. I say to him, what are you doing, Jimmy? An algebra problem. It's pretty tough, too. Stop looking for the answer in the back of the book. Isn't that honest? Read me the question and I'll give you the answer. But is it honest if you figure out the answer for me? Don't worry, I won't. But I try. It's all common sense. Now, read me a question. Okay. If Tom can dig a ditch in two hours and Harry can dig the same ditch in one hour, how long would it take Tom and Harry if they dig together? Oh. What answer it gives in the back of the book? And you told me not to look. That's right. We use the common sense. If Harry digs a hole in two hours... No, Tom digs the hole in two hours. The same thing. Later they're going to dig the hole together, so it makes no difference. Well, never mind, boss. I'll figure it out in school. Never put off it, Jimmy. It's a bad habit. We figure it out by common sense. Tom digs a hole in two hours. Harry digs the same hole in one hour. Right. How long would it take Tom and Harry if they dig together? That's a funny thing. What's funny? Just two weeks ago was election. Harry stands still and Tom digs his own hole. I'm sorry, Jimmy. Maybe it's a little hard to figure out the common sense. Oh, that's okay, Mr. Luigi. You helped me with my American history. It's my favorite subject. Jimmy, you're a lucky boy. You're born here. Boss, do you really wish you were born in America? Yes. And next time I'm born, I know better. Jimmy is getting late. You better go in the back, have a glass of milk, and go to school. Okay. Well, I think I dust off my antiques. No, better I put dust on antiques, make some look older. Hello, Mr. Luigi. Good morning, my teacher, Miss Spaulding. It's a big pleasure to see you. I was on my way to school, so I thought I'd drop in for a minute. This is a wonderful idea. Look how the whole place light up because you're here. Please, sit down on this Teddy Roosevelt Rocking Chair. Why do you call it a Teddy Roosevelt Rocking Chair? It has no arms, and it's rather hard. Teddy Roosevelt was a rough rider. Well, I'll take this chair. It seems more comfortable. Fine. It's also a good chair. American mahogany, Duncan Five-Style. Good. Then I can be patriotic and comfortable at the same time. It's all right if I sit next to you. Certainly, it's all right. Thank you. How's the business, Miss Spaulding? Well, teaching school can hardly be called a business. But it must be a wonderful thing to be a teacher. Everybody, they love you, they respect you. I bet you all the kids in your class, they're crazy about you. Yes, but they have a quaint way of showing it. What do you mean? Well, Mr. Basko, did you ever spend a day dodging spitballs? Or did you ever shake hands with a piece of bubblegum? Or were you ever hit by a jet-propelled erase? Miss Spaulding, your life, she's in danger. Well, it's not as serious as that, Mr. Basko. Well, if the kids do bad things, you tell me, Miss Spaulding. I teach them respect. Oh, no, Mr. Luigi, we don't use force. Then how you punish them? Well, occasionally we keep them after school. Miss Spaulding, do me a favor. Please punish me, huh? Ha, now that's the better. Don't be sad no more. All you need, Miss Spaulding, is same thing everybody needs. Somebody who's saying nice things, especially if somebody is a nicer fellow. If I'm a ten-year-younger, Miss Spaulding, and if I have a big store like a Marshall and Fields, then I buy you the whole store and the school and I give you for Christmas present. Then I go there every day and I hold your hand like this, and I say, good morning, my beautiful teacher, Miss Spaulding. Mr. Luigi, I could kiss you for that. Boss, I finished my milk. Jimmy, go back and drink two more quarts. I didn't know you were here, Miss Spaulding. Yes, yes, so I am. I just dropped in. In fact, I'm leaving. That's right. We'll walk to school together, Mr. Luigi. I mean Jimmy. Sure. Goodbye, my teacher, Miss Spaulding. Goodbye, Mr. Luigi. Will I see you this afternoon? Do you see me anytime or you like a Miss Spaulding? I mean at the PTA meeting. PTA? Are you on a relief for Miss Spaulding? No, PTA means Parent Teacher's Association. Didn't you give Mr. Luigi one of those notices, Jimmy? I forgot. Why you forget such a thing, Jimmy? Should I go, Miss Spaulding? But boss, it's mostly mothers. So what? I'm like a mother to you, Jimmy. Miss Spaulding is true that he's all the mothers at the PTA? Well, the odds are that you'll be the only man among 30 or 40 ladies. That's so wonderful odds. Well, I dust to my statues. See you this afternoon at the meeting. Jimmy, why didn't you tell Mr. Luigi about the PTA meeting? I just told you. I forgot. You're not ashamed of him, are you, Jimmy? No, of course not. It's only that... That what? Oh, nothing, Miss Spaulding. You better tell me, Jimmy. Well, it's just that you don't know Mr. Luigi like I do. What do you mean? If there's more than two people around, he thinks it's his duty to make a speech. That isn't true, Jimmy. Oh, yes it is. At the July 4th fall game between our scout team, he made a stop the game so he could read the preamble to the Constitution. And this was with three men on base. I think that's very commendable. And you should hear those speeches he makes to the statues. Yesterday I heard him talk to the statue of Patrick Henry all about liberty and death. At the end of an hour, I swear I heard Patrick Henry say, Give me death! Well, I'm sure no such thing will happen this afternoon. Don't be too sure, Miss Spaulding. He's so good-natured and he's so happy to be invited someplace that he'll wind up serving the food, making a speech, taking tickets at the door, and finding out if the people are related to the signers of the Declaration of Independence. I just don't believe it, Jimmy. Mr. Luigi just wants to participate in civic activity. He wants to feel that he belongs. The PTA meeting this afternoon will help round him out. Sure. And flatten out everyone else. Hello, Luigi. Hello, hello. Hello, Pasquale. I come over to ask you a little favor. Sure. Everybody who comes to my spaghetti palace, they call it a favor at the place. What do you want? I have to go to Jimmy's school this afternoon. That's the matter. The kid in the trouble? No. I must make a speech. Then at the whole school's in a trouble. What before you want to make a speech? You don't understand, Pasquale. It's parent, teachers, association. That's the matter. You're crazy. In the first place, you're no parent. In the second place, you're no teacher. Then I must be association. You go too many places, Luigi. You're always running like a little mouse. Stay home, mind your own business. Is my business what happened in school? Who asked you to make a speech? Jimmy? No. Mr. Spaldy? No. Is my own idea. You're going to make a speech? You're going to make a speech? Well, what's so funny? Listen, Luigi, right now everything she's a fighter between the United States and Italy. You make a speech and the whole war starts up again. Please, to keep your mouth shut. Is a free speech in the United States or so I speak? In the second place, Luigi, this meeting is for ladies, not for men. What before you go? Maybe I meet the nice American lady. It's only mothers ago, not the single ladies. So it's maybe nice widow lady. Widow lady? That's the matter with my daughter Rosa. She's not a widow. You marry her now, we see what happens later. Mr. Spaldy, I'm going to have to come to talk about Rosa. Luigi, my friend, why you don't want to marry my Rosa just because she's a little bit chubby? A little bit. My mommy, if I marry Rosa, she's not a marriage, it's a project. But no more talk about Rosa. All right, all right. We don't talk about Rosa. Thank you, Pasquale. Luigi, is it not the parent that teaches a meeting for children's mothers? Maybe. But Jimmy, he was born 12 years ago. He has no mother. Rosa could be his mother. She's 12 years too late. Then what do you want from me? When I go to meeting, please take care of my store. All right, all right. I send a Rosa. Oh, no. Is it like a bull in China shop? Never mind. I close up place. I put out sign to help you yourself. Goodbye, Pasquale. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, Luigi. You're going to go to a PTA meeting like a dancer? What's wrong? What's wrong? Look at the way you look. Look at your suit. You're the only fella in the Chicago who's wearing a greener jacket with the six buttons on the front and the belt on the back. And look at your pants. Where's the decrease? Only bumps. That's from keeping a pants under a mattress. I don't have other suits. Then stay home. Why, you must always go places. Maybe you're at the Pasquale. Maybe I should have buy new suit. But I don't get the money. Pasquale. No, I only lend money to Son-in-law. That's to the trouble. Whenever you lend the money, it's got strings attached. Roses, aprons, strings. All right. Go ahead. Go to the meeting. Let the fine American ladies laugh at a Luigi Bosco. Sure, even a gym is a shame to you. It's not true. A gym is a nice shame. Then why must Spalding invite you? Not the gym. A gym, forget. That's why. Sure, sure. Well, don't bother me. I'm an old lady. You know money. Only suit I buy you is a wedding suit. What do you say, my son? Goodbye, Papa. Excuse me. Is this place you sell suits? Yes. You have suits here for speech-making? Oh, yes, indeedy. Just had a shipment return from the Republican National Committee. Good. Show me suit that's good for speech-making. Oh, you want something in-tailed. I'm going to make a speech and not hang it from three. Yes. Well, will you give me some idea? Do you like this suit I'm wearing? If I take your suit, then you'll have to go home in underwear. No, what I mean is, do you like this pattern? It's a herringbone. Herringbone? That's right. Is this a fine country where they make suits from a herringbone? Must take a lot of little herring. I've never counted them. Perhaps you'd like, perhaps you'd like a businessman suit. You mean he lent me his suit? I like my own place. Well, for what purpose do you want this suit? I have to make a speech at PTA meeting this afternoon. Maybe you like to come. Oh, no, thank you. I couldn't stand the excitement. Tell me, is it formal or informal? It's inside in school. No, no, I mean, do you have to dress? I'm only a man there, of course I gotta dress. This is PTA meeting, not Turkish bat. Well, sir, could you go for this suit? It comes with two pairs of pants. Isn't it good? I know, two pairs of pants would make your legs look too lumpy. Then why you try to sell it to me? Because I'm just a great big sneak. Oh, this is a nice suit here, this brown one. But why is pants so short? Because it's a boy scout suit, and you get a knife with it. How many blades? I can't tell you, it's a military secret. Look, please. I like a suit for making speech. You know, for a score and a seven years ago, of course, well, why didn't you say so? Here's just the suit for you. It's our Gettysburg Address model. Is it good enough for Abel Lincoln? Is it good enough for Luigi Basco? I faked it. For the second act of Luigi Basco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. So Mamma Mia, I buy myself a suit for PTA meeting. Now, all I have to do is pay 50 cents a week. In one year, I own a coat. In one or more year, I also own a pants. Pants is striped, and the coat is empty in the front, but in the back it sweeps the floor. Is it called a cutaway? This is what I do when I come home after meeting, because it's enough for material in the back of coat for extra pair of pants. I also want to bring presents to ladies at the meeting, so I take a new thing called the money order that I get from a lady customer and I go to post office to cash it. Excuse me, you're the postmaster? Yes, I'm in charge of this branch. You're just a man I want to see. I just received this paper from a lady. That's a money order. See, fellow who worked for you in gray suit, he tell me if I bring it here, you give me $10. Is this right? Yes, yes. Have you any identification? What do you mean? Well, something to prove you're Luigi Basco. Have you a driver's license? I don't even have a car. Citizenship papers? I know all the answers to questions, but I must wait a couple of years because... Marriage license? I'm a single. If you know a nicer girl... Yes, yes, yes. How about a birth certificate? It's home in the family Bible. Could you bring that? Can't afford to take a trip to Italy just enough. If I get a money order for $1,000, then I go and I bring, but for $10 it's... Well, you'll have to... you'll have to show me something. Well, if, if for nobody looks, I show birthmark on the ankle. No, no, no, that won't do. Isn't there some way you can prove that you're Luigi Basco? Mr. Postamaster, every morning when I get up I look in the mirror, there I am. But, Mr. Basco... Here's the very simple. I prove the whole thing. Are you Luigi Basco? Certainly not. That man over there on the line, are you Luigi Basco? Probably not. And the lady over there, she Luigi Basco? I doubt it. Then there's a left only you and me. Are you Luigi Basco? No. Then who are you talking to? I don't know. I'm surprised you don't know me, Mr. Postamaster. But why should I know you? Because all the time I'm in this country, this post office handle all the letters I send. Well, I give up. You're Luigi Basco. Sure, I told you that first. You save a lot of time by not arguing with me. I'll never do it again. Here's your ten dollars. And I'm sorry I ever took a civil service examination. Don't feel badly. From now on I buy all the stamps from a this post office. Goodbye. America, I love you. You like a papa too. Hello, Pasquale. What do you want now, Luigi? More favor? This time I do you favor. It's about the time. You do me favor? I do you favor. Like Uncle Pietro say, if one hand is dirty, wash your both hands. Please, don't bring your relations into this conversation. I'm busy. Pasquale, how much you charge for spaghetti? With or without to meet the ball? Without. Cost to more without to meet the ball? 65 cents a plate. Not to buy plates. How much you charge by inch? Are you crazy? I never sell it by inch. Then maybe you sell it by foot. No, no. Smallest I sell is a yard. How much is a yard? For you, 10 cents. Then how much I get for 10 dollars? I think maybe you get a half a mile. Let me see. Is it 10 cents a yard? Is it 10 yards for one a dollar? Yes. For 10 a dollars you get 100 yards. Okay. Give me 100 yards spaghetti. What do you mean a give? No money, no spaghetti. Maybe I open a charge account with you. You give me 10 a dollars a box of cash and money, then you open a charge account. All right. Here is a 10 dollar. Hey, where you get this? Post office. Since when is a post office a given away money? It's a new thing. Ladies send me a little piece of paper, I take the post office, I get the money. So now I buy spaghetti. What are you going to do with all this spaghetti? I bring it to PTA meeting. Oh, you're still going to the meeting, huh? Sure. I buy suit, I prepare a speech, and now I bring the spaghetti. That's a fine, Luigi. Look, here, I give you a couple of hundred cards for my restaurant, you give it to all the ladies. I'm speaking out of spaghetti salesman. Well, when you speak, you talk about this. My speech is about education. My spaghetti is a very educational, Luigi. But I don't know about spaghetti. I don't even know why they call it spaghetti, spaghetti. That's a foolish, she's a long like a spaghetti, taste like a spaghetti, that's why they call it a spaghetti. I don't think I do this, Pasquale. I give you ten yards extra, just in case the spaghetti shrinks. Excuse me, is Mr. Baskow in? What's the matter? Jimmy, you don't recognize me? A cutaway. Is that you, Mr. Luigi? Sure, look like a movie star, huh? Where you going? To a PTA meeting at Jimmy's. No! Yes, and I bring them spaghetti, and I make a long speech. You and Miss Pauling will be so proud of me, you'll want to know what to do. Oh, I'm late, so goodbye, Jimmy. I know what I'm going to do. Join the foreign legion. Hello? Miss Pauling, please, it's important. Mama mia. Miss Pauling, this is Jimmy O'Connor. It's worse than I thought. He's all dressed up like a pallbearer, and he's going to make a speech that's full of statistics, and he's bringing a pot of spaghetti. Miss Pauling? Miss Pauling! This is wonderful. Oh, Miss Pauling, this is quite an audience. It looks like the finest PTA meeting we've ever had. What was that, Mrs. Pringle? Yes, I said that it looks like the finest. Oh, yes, it does. Good afternoon, Dr. Cartwright. Well, it's nice seeing you again, Mrs. Pringle. I look forward to hearing you speak. Oh, uh, Dr. Cartwright. Yes, Mrs. Wilton. There's a man in a cutaway coat outside with a big pot of spaghetti. Well, it must be a waiter who's made a mistake. Certainly no one here has ordered it. Hello. You, Dr. Cartwright, the principal, huh? I am, but I didn't order any food. I bring it. This is my present for PTA meeting. Here. Ouch! Excuse me, I put it on a table. Maybe you don't know me. I'm Luigi Basco. Do you have a child in this school? Sure. My boy Jimmy O'Connor. He's a pupil here. So that's why you came? Also because Ms. Spaulding invited me to make a speech. Ms. Spaulding did what? Ms. Spaulding. Yes, Dr. Cartwright. Did you invite Mr. Basco? Hello, my teacher, Ms. Spaulding. Hello, Mr. Luigi. Ms. Spaulding, I prepare short speech. Well, Mr. Basco, I'm afraid there won't be any time for your speech. That's all right. I wait. The meeting will come to order. Will the ladies please find seat? Yes. Mr. Basco, I must ask you to sit down. I promise Pasquale I give out his cards. Is his a spaghetti? Mr. Luigi, how could you? Is all the people here living in the same neighborhood? Maybe they give Pasquale a little business. Is something wrong, Ms. Spaulding? No, no, everything's just fine. That's the way I feel it, too. I shall turn the chair over to our good friend, your chairman, Mrs. Wilson. If he turn over chair, she fall down. Good afternoon, ladies. Me, too. Yes, of course. Now, before we proceed, is there any old business? I have all the business, antiques. Our first speaker is Mrs. Nelson Pringle. She will speak on our school system. Spaghetti is getting closed. We must have order. A great many of you may not like what I have to say, particularly about this school. As you know, my son is a pupil here, and I must say, from personal observations, our teachers here must recognize the need for greater discipline. If there is rowdyism and we know there is, if our children find their excitement in the street, then I think our teachers are at fault. And I suppose... Please, I'd like to say something. We don't know. I had the floor. We must have order. Mr. Vasco, please go quietly and quickly. First I speak, then I go. That's the person who brought the spaghetti. Yes, ladies are right. I bring spaghetti. It's because I think maybe you like. I make a mistake. I don't do this again. Excuse me. But it's not important now anyway. It's important what the ladies say about teachers. I'm only in this country a little while, and I don't know about schools like a lady. Also, only teacher I know is misfolding. And it's not her fault when the kids fight. Maybe it's the parent's fault. Not teachers when the kids fight too much. If my Jimmy come home with a black eye, that's my fault. I don't teach a Jimmy right, but I try. I tell him this is a wonderful country because all kinds of people here and children of all kinds of people, little children, they don't know what it means to hate, to hurt. They learn about this from us, not from a teacher. All little children know is love. So it's up to us all the people to show them. It's like all the same. Apple don't fall far from tree. We show them at home, we explain, then they know. That's the why. If it's about the children, it's not teachers' fault. It's sometimes parents' fault. Hello, Jimmy. Hello, Mr. Luigi. Gee, it didn't stay long. I think maybe too long. Did you make your speech? No. You're a smart boy, Jimmy. You know what was going to happen at the PTA meeting, huh? No, boss. I... Was it really bad? It was worse than that, Jimmy. I make a big fool of... Hello, Luigi. Hello, Mr. Spaulding. I'm sorry. I make you so ashamed. Ashamed? You were wonderful. Your speech was inspiring. But I think I look so foolish in this suit. Well, it was a little too formal. Boss, I'm proud of you. I'm glad, Jimmy. And you know something? I was the only mother in a cutaway coat. So, dear Mamma Mia, I'm now a member parent-teachers association. From now on, I go to all the meetings. Who can tell? Maybe next year, I become a president. Then I be first the president of a woman's club. Also, Mamma Mia, I sell my cutaway coat to Pasquale. He is putting a suit in Rosa's hope chest. One more thing. Today, I'm sending letter to men with the problem. How long does it take for Tom and Harry to dig a hole if they dig a hole together? I'm sending this letter to only men who know the answer. John L. Lewis. He is the loving son of Luigi. I'm going to listen next week at the same time over most of these stations when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to Mamma Vasco describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a Cy Howard production and is written by Highcraft and Cy Howard and stars J. Carol Naj as Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as Pasquale. Music is under the direction of Wilbur Hatch. Ladies and gentlemen, the grand prize for solving the secret sentence on the fast-moving CBS quiz show Hit the Jackpot is now worth the staggering sum of $22,000. Contestants in the studio and at home will have a chance to compete on Hit the Jackpot. Tonight, Bill Cullen will give you more clues to the secret sentence. Hit the jackpot a little later tonight on most of these same stations. Bob LeMond speaking for CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting Show.