 Is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world? Well, your father says so. And your father knows best. Yes, it's Father Knows Best, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as father. A half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Anderson's, brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good to the last drop. From Horace to Benjamin Franklin, from Shakespeare to Oscar Wilde, practically everyone has had something to say about procrastination. And no matter who said it, it generally came out the same. It's no good. In Springfield, in the White Frame House on Maple Street, the Anderson's may not have a monopoly on procrastination, but it's a pretty fair bet that they hold a franchise for local distribution. Like this. Oh. Anything wrong, dear? Ah, I ate too much. Bud, yes, Dad? Never marry a woman like your mother. I beg your pardon? I mean who cooks as well as your mother. That's what I mean. The ruin, your figure. Okay. Jim, no one said you had to eat that last piece of pie. Well, I didn't want Bud to make a pig of himself. May I have another cup of coffee, please? Any further instructions for Bud? Oh, Bud. Yes, Dad? Be sure to marry a woman who cooks exactly like your mother. Okay. That's more like it. Now may I have another cup of coffee? Of course, dear. There you are. Daddy, do you know what I learned in school today? I haven't the faintest idea. May I have the cream and sugar, Betty, please? Sugar's fattening. Just pass it and never mind the dietary information. Yes, Father, dear. Sugar is energy. And I'm in a very energetic mood. You are? Well, that's wonderful, dear. You've been promising to fix the leak in the roof for two weeks. Margaret, please, let's not be rude. Kathy was telling me something. Jim. And it's probably very important. Go ahead, kitten. What? You were telling me something. About what? How do I know? Something about, uh, I don't know. She learned something in school today. Well, naturally. That's what she was telling you. Oh, I remember. Daddy. Yes, Kathy. Do you know what I learned in school today? Well, I know, little old lady, passing by. What did you learn in school today? I learned that everybody in my whole class gets a bigger allowance than I do. Well, I guess I'll go back to the frying pan. What were you saying, Margaret? Jim, you don't have to fix the roof if you don't want to. Just let me call Mr. Paine. Honey, I told you I'd fix it, and I will. When? Well, I'm certainly not going to crawl around on the roof tonight. Mr. Paine says you don't have to. You can fix it from the inside. Well? What? When are you going to fix the roof? I'll get around to it, Margaret. Just don't rush me. It won't start raining until April anyway. And of course, April won't be here for two whole weeks. Well, maybe Sunday afternoon when I'm feeling a little more rested. Jim, you're going to fix it tonight. Okay. As soon as I finish reading the paper... You will fix the roof before you read the paper. Now, just a minute, Margaret. Since when do you...? Yes. Well, it isn't worth arguing about. Make such a big fuss about one puny little leak. Father. Now what? As long as you aren't going anywhere, is it all right if I borrow the car? Well, let's put it this way. No. But I just want to go over to Janie's for a while. I thought you had a chemistry exam tomorrow. I do, but... And didn't you say you had to study for it? Well, sure, but I've got a study period in the morning and I thought... That's fine. That's just fine. Did you hear that, Margaret? She's got a study period in the morning. Isn't that good? Betty, how do you expect to get anywhere in the world if you leave everything for the last minute? Well, I only have to brush up on a few formulas. Then brush up on them tonight. But, Father... You know what they say, procrastination is the thief of time. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Who says that? Everybody. I don't. Neither does your father. Margaret. Yes, dear. I've asked you a hundred times. Well, we'll talk about it later. After you fix the roof. Yes. Come on, bud. What? You heard your mother. We've got to fix the roof. How did I get into it? Bud? I've got homework to do. You can do your homework later. But you just said, Holy cow. I said nothing that even remotely resembled Holy cow. I wish you'd stop arguing, bud. You can study later. Who said anything about studying? You said you had homework, didn't you? Sure. For my gym class, I'm gonna practice nip-ups. All right, bud. Upstairs. My gym teacher said it made the back muscles strong for pitching. Upstairs. And he's a baseball coach, so he ought to know. Bud. Yes, Dan? Upstairs. Now? Now. Well, say it and get it over with. Holy cow. Well, you excuse us, Margaret. We have to go fix the roof. That'll be fine, dear. Dad, eat me. I watch. Sure. Why doesn't everybody come up and watch? We'll sell tickets. Come on, bud. It's in the far corner, Jim. Near the gym. I know where it is. I ought to know where it is. I've been told about it often enough. Daddy. I'll come up in a little while, dear. Okay, honey. You'll be sure and do that. Nothing I like more on a job than seven or eight foremen. What was that, dad? I said we'll have it finished before you can say herb gormant. Oh. Who's he? Uh, he and your mother went to different schools together. Oh, I didn't know that. You know what I learned in school today? You've already told me, Kathy, and the answer is no. The answer to what? May I have a larger allowance? How did you know I was going to ask that? It's very simple, kitten. I'm the seventh son of a seventh son. I was born with a veil. I'm a psychic. What does that mean? You still get 35 cents a week. Gee, Wiz, that's only a nickel a day. And you know what you can buy with a nickel a day? I don't know, Kathy. That's what's wrong with it. I don't either. Well, let's see now. Good grief. Look at the junk up here. It's over on this side, dad. Where? Up here. Hmm. Can't even get to it. But help me move some of this stuff out of the way like a good fella. Okay. You know how much Jimmy Woody gets? 50 cents. Shove that big box over there more, bud. I'm not supposed to move things that big, dad. It'll ruin my pitching arm. Good. Shove. But the coach said... Shove. Yes, sir. Laurie Hathaway gets 40 cents and she's only eight. Junk. Three more boxes and we can open our own branch of the Salvation Army. I'll bet Paul Pettit never had to shove boxes around an attic. Who's he? He's the kid who's gonna pitch for Pittsburgh. And they gave him $100,000 to sign. $100,000? When he was only 18. Oh. You concentrate on the little boxes, but I'll take care of the big ones. Okay, dad. Daddy. Cathy, you are not going to get a larger allowance. Why? Because 35 cents is all you need. Why? Because you're only a little girl and little girls don't need more than 35 cents a week. Why? Because... Cathy, if you say why once more, I'm going to give you the worst spanking of your entire life. How come? Cathy. I think you can reach it now, dad. All right. Let me take a look at it. You still didn't tell me. Ken, why don't you go downstairs and practice? I'm gonna practice tomorrow. Practice tonight? You won't have to practice tomorrow. Then what'll I do tomorrow? Well, you can play. Why can't I play now? Cathy, go downstairs and practice. But then I'll... Go ahead. Gee whiz. Why do I always have to practice? It never sounds any good anyway. But are you sure Mr. Payne said this could be fixed from the inside? Sure. He said it just had to be caulked like a boat. That's ridiculous. How can you caulk a slate roof? I don't know. Father! Don't bother me now, Betty. I'm busy. But I'm training until tomorrow. Isn't that procrastinating? Betty. You said never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. And if I see Janey tonight and study tomorrow, isn't that just as good? As good as what? As the other way. Bud, will you go down to the medicine cabinet and get me about eight aspirin? Now? Do you have a headache, father? No, but I'm expecting one anyway. Jim. Jim. Oh, well. Kathy said you were having a little trouble. Haven't you fixed the leak yet? Honey, I can't fix it from the inside. But... I've got to go out on the roof and put in some new slates. So I'll do it Sunday. Well, all right, Jim. If you'd rather read your paper. I'm not going to read my paper. I've got work to do. I'm going downstairs and finish my income tax. Father won't even let me have the car for an hour. And I told him... Just a minute, Betty. Jim, what did you just say? I said I'm going downstairs and finish my income tax. And don't tell me that isn't important. If nobody needs me for anything... Jim, do you mean to say you haven't taken care of your tax return? I'm going to take care of it now. But this is March 15th. Well... You gave the children a long lecture about procrastination and you haven't filed your tax return. Honey, I've still got lots of time. But it's March 15th now. I know, but it's only seven o'clock and the tax isn't due until midnight. Father sounds pretty sure of himself planning to fill out that tax return in five short hours. Well, let's wait and see. On the other hand, ladies, the head of the house is perfectly sure of a great many things. One of them is coffee. That's right. That husband of yours is the world's greatest coffee expert. Day in, day out, he's the final judge, the number one expert on good coffee. It's true we Maxwell House people are called experts, too. More families do enjoy our coffee than any other brand. But when you brew the coffee, when you fill the cups, the expert with the final say so, he's your husband. And tomorrow, if you'll serve him Maxwell House, we're sure you'll win his warmest smile and this compliment. Honey, that's what I call real coffee. Yes, indeed, that's what he'll say. In fact, we'll give you your money back if he doesn't. The plain fact is no coffee tastes like Maxwell House because no coffee's made like Maxwell House. There's only one recipe for that famous good to the last drop flavor, a recipe demanding certain fine coffees blended just so. And only Maxwell House has this recipe. So tomorrow, serve your husband our Maxwell House. If he doesn't say best coffee ever, why just send us the can and unused portion and we'll gladly refund the price you paid. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. How about it then? Tomorrow, won't you serve your husband the coffee with the world's most famous flavor, Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. No matter what anyone tells you, when Thomas Paine said these are the times that try men's souls, he was not referring to March 15. In those days, you see, they hadn't thought of the income tax, but they've thought of it since seventh day and they've thought of that cute little hangover from the Spanish Inquisition, the income tax blank. Myself, I'd rather try making a nine the hard way. Three threes. Subtract line two from... I'll apply $600 by the total number. Wait a minute. If line ten is B, over $400, but not over $100,000, enter $52 plus 9%. If alternative tax computation is made on separate schedule D, schedule D, if standard deduction in line two disregard lines 15, 16, and 17 and copy on line 18, the same figure you entered on line eight, 13 or 14, whichever... Kathy. Kathy! May I speak to you for a minute, please? I'm in the den. Okay. I could only find that piece of paper. It had the whole thing. That's my new piece, Daddy. Isn't it pretty? Pretty isn't a word for it. Look, Kathy. I can even play it with my eyes closed. Want to hear me? I thought that's the way you were playing it. Oh, no. I was... What? Kathy, wouldn't you like to do the rest of your practicing tomorrow? But you said I shouldn't put off till tomorrow. Well, I just happened to think of something. What if it rains? Then where will you be? In the basement? What I mean is, if it rains, you won't be able to do anything but practice. And if you practice now, you'll have nothing to do all day tomorrow. If it rains. Will you? Well, I what? Have anything to... Kathy, haven't you been listening to me? Oh, sure. What did I say? I don't know. Kathy, good grief! What's going on up there? Daddy? Not now, Kathy. Bud? Don't you want to talk to me anymore? I'll talk to you later, honey. Okay. Bud? You want me dead? What are you doing? I just did an F up. Almost. See if you can't make a little less noise. Okay. And put down a blanket or something. You're liable to break your back. Okay, daddy. I wouldn't care if you were talking to Winston Churchill. It's a fine thing when a man... Jim, what are you doing? I'm doing my income tax. Can't you see? What am I doing? Can't find the papers. Can't make head or tail of these idiotic instructions. Income tax. To figure tentative tax on a mount shown in line five. If line three above includes partially tax exempt. Call to apply a mount on line 12 by two. To obtain combined normal... Subtract line 17 from line eight, 13 or 14. And enter difference in item five, page. Oh no. It isn't possible. Add the figures on lines 15 and 16. Enter income tax paid at source on tax-free covenant bond interest... Kathy. Kathy! Not again. Bud! How do you expect me... Kathy, stop that! Kathy! Jim, what on earth is all this shouting about? I... Honey, I'd better call Hector and get him to straighten me out on this income tax business. I can't make head or tail of it. I thought you said you could. I said I thought I could. Well, that's what I said. You said I said I could and I didn't. I said I thought... Well, I can't, so what difference does it make? I can't even find the paper. What paper? Miss Thomas had it all written down. What went on line 14 and what went on line 15? And all I can find are those cockeyed government instructions that tell you to disregard both of them. Well, I have an idea. Why don't you call Hector? Thank you, Margaret. That's a very good suggestion. I'm glad you thought that. Daddy, Betty said you wanted me. Kathy, I thought you were going to practice. Margaret. Bud is strengthening his back. Kathy. Yes, Daddy? Run upstairs like a good girl and tell your brother I'd like to see him. Okay. And hurry, Kathleen, before he kills himself. Yes, Mommy. Jim, is he really...? He's doing nip-ups. It's a very graceful exercise. As you can see. He won't have a bone left in his body. He'll be alright. He's a very sturdy boy. It's the floor I'm worried about. Go up to the prom. Well, you can imagine how I felt. Janie, of course not. Why, Billy told me... Betty. Just a minute, Janie. Yes, Father? I have to use the phone. Okay, Father, just a second. Janie. Well, when I told Billy... Betty. Hold it, Angel. Yes, Mother? Tell Janie you'll see her tomorrow. But, Mother... Go ahead. Janie, I'll see you tomorrow. Okay. Creepers, Mother, I don't anymore get started talking. You've been on that phone for 30 minutes. That's what I said. I don't anymore get started. Never mind, Betty. Go ahead, dear. Hmm? Oh, Hector. Jumping creepers. You'd think I was a child or something. One of these years, they're going to make a mistake and issue a tax form that people can understand. Probably get Washington so upset they'll fire the whole Treasury Department. Are they ringing? Well, something is ringing and I hope it's the phone. Maybe they aren't back yet. Back from where? Elizabeth told me this morning that she and Hector were going to Plainville. Well, this is a fine time to tell me. Let me waste all that time. Why, Jim, I thought they might have gotten back. Now may I use the phone? But, Father... Margaret, I don't know what's gotten into this family. Nobody seems to be the least bit concerned that I'll probably spend the rest of my life in jail. Why, Jim... Father, would you please try to come down the stairs like only one elephant? What? I said, never mind. Margaret, if I don't find that paper, I don't know what I'm going to do. What paper, dear? The one with all the tax figures on it. Right on top of my desk. Maybe somebody put it in the desk. Dad, well, that'd be a fine thing. If that paper got inside of the desk, I'll never find it. Wouldn't be difficult at all if you'd keep your desk like any other man. Dad, there's nothing wrong with my desk. You just can't find anything in it, that's all. Margaret, I've told you a dozen times I'll clean it out and I will. You've been telling me that for two years. I just haven't had the time that's all. No one can be that busy for two whole years. Dad. This is not the time to argue about cleaning out my desk. Dad. But what do you want? Uh, I don't want anything. Then why don't you leave me alone? Cassie said you wanted to see me. Oh, well, now I've seen you. Goodbye. Jim. Oh, and stop doing nip-ups. But the last time I almost did it. The last time you almost went through the floor. Jim, if the paper is in the desk... I'll write to you every day from Alcatraz. Dear, this is not the time for jokes. Alcatraz, big joke. I have an idea. If we do find the paper, how long will it take? To finish the return, about an hour. All right. We can have the desk cleaned out in 20 minutes. Margaret. I'd have done it myself, but I don't know which papers you want to keep and which ones you want thrown away. Oh, I don't know. Other people make out income taxes and they don't have to go through things like this. Now can I call Jamie? No, dear. You're going to help your father. Big corporations with thousands of desks. They make out income taxes every year. Cassie, we're going to clean out Daddy's desk. I'll be right down. Millions and millions of people make out income taxes. Make them out year after year. They don't have to clean out their desks. Bud, go out to the garage and get a large box. Okay, Mom. The largest one you can find. You bet. People who don't even have desks make out their income tax without the least bit of trouble. All right, dear. Whenever you're ready. The silliest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. One small piece of paper. Jim, it isn't getting any earlier. Okay, let's go. Mother, if I'm going to take that chemistry exam tomorrow... Bet he? But Father said I ought to study. You've got a study period in the morning, remember? Champ and creepers. Isn't it funny, Jim? It took two years and a missing piece of paper to get you to clean out your desk. Very funny. I'm practically hysterical. Well, here we are. Now, where shall we begin? Let's see. If I were a piece of paper, in what drawer would I hide? As long as we're at it, we'll do a good job. Betty, pull out all the drawers on that side and empty them on the floor. Margaret! You don't have to worry about a thing, dear. We'll go through all the papers together and you can pick out the ones you want to save. But... Go ahead, Betty. Start dumping. Creepers. What on this? Margaret, you don't have to look so happy about it. No. You knew how long I've been wanting to do this. Now all the drawers are empty. As soon as Bud comes in with the box... Tiny, wait a second. What's this? What? This! Oh, dear. You weren't supposed to find that yet. What is it, Father? It's my income tax. And it's all made out. Margaret... Now, Jim, let's not jump to any conclusions. You took that piece of paper, didn't you? Well... You sent it over to Hector and had him make out the tax. Didn't you? I guess I did. And then you let me suffer. You let me sit here and stew in my own juice. Margaret, how could you do a thing like that? Well, suppose you tell me some other way I could have gotten you to clean out your desk. Every pound of coffee you buy you're looking for the most in flavor for your money. If you agree, take this thought to your grosses this weekend. On his shelves there's a coffee famous for flavor above all others. It's our coffee, our Maxwell House coffee. Take home a pound and offer a cup to the world's greatest coffee expert, your husband. When he smiles from ear to ear and says, best coffee ever, you'll know why Maxwell House is world famous for flavor. Then keep track of all the truly good cups of coffee you get from that one pound. We think you'll be convinced for real value Maxwell House is today's coffee buy. So this weekend, look for the big white cup and drop on the friendly blue tin. Take home Maxwell House coffee. Always good to the last drop. It's morning now and the Andersons are at breakfast. It should be a happy time of day. It generally is as a matter of fact, but not today. No indeed, not by a long shot. Like this. May I have my coffee, please? Jim. I'd rather not talk about it, Margaret. Just let me have my coffee. All right, dear. There you are. Go ahead, Kathy. H2SO4. Sulfuric acid. K2CO3. Potassium nitrate? No. Carbonate? Yep. Well, I knew it was something. Forty years old and they have to teach me lessons. Oh. Is something wrong, bud? I don't know. I must have slept funny last night. My whole back hurts. Really? I wonder why? I can't figure it out. I take such good care of myself, too. May I have a cream, please? Here you are, Daddy. Thank you. You know, Margaret, you'd have felt pretty silly if I'd done the income tax myself, wouldn't you? There wasn't much danger of that, dear. What do you mean? Well, Jim, you know the way you procrastinate. C12H2O11. Sugar? Well, thank you very much. Does father know best? You bet I do. When the kids don't want their hot cereal, I say, Mom, tell them hop along goes for post wheat meal. Then you ought to see them dig in. That's right, Dad. Just tell the kids post wheat meal is hop along Cassidy's favorite hot cereal, and they'll eat it, too. Post wheat meal has wonderful nut-like flavor, solid whole wheat nourishment, cooks in three and a half minutes. You'll see, you'll all agree, it's the best hot cereal you ever ate. Join us again next week when we'll be back with Father Knows Best, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson with Roy Bargy on the Maxwell House Orchestra. In our cast, where Norma Jean Nielsen as Kathy, June Whitley, Rhoda Williams, Ted Donaldson, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee. Always good to the last drop. Father Knows Best was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for Dragnet, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Now hear exciting and authentic police drama. It's Dragnet on NBC.