 We have a new sponsor today, Casper Mattress. You can purchase at Casper Mattress at Casper.com forward slash Feldman or by using the promo code Feldman and now on to the show. Welcome to broadcast. I'm David Feldman on today's show from the movie Blood Ransom and the hit sitcom Two Broke Girls. Kevin Meany. You've seen him on Letterman. The Tonight Show. Regis. HBO. He is, well, Kevin Meany. Kevin Meany for the hour. Hi, Kevin. Hi, David. How are you tonight? Very good. Where are we talking to you tonight? Where are we talking? Where am I? Yeah, where are you? I'm at home in Forestburg, New York. Oh, that's right outside of Cohoonsie. Not far from Squirrel Corners. Fowlerville? Doesn't ring a bell. Okay. About two hours outside of New York City. Help me a little more. New York's going towards Binghamton. New York City doesn't Binghamton. World Trade Center, 9-Eleven. Never happened. Okay. I don't have a sense of humor about 9-Eleven because my first wife was in the South Tower that day. Oh, God. And she survived. Oh, first. Yeah, I was sneaking little bits from my act into a conversation with Kevin Meany. That is just the height of cowardice, I believe. So where are you going? To be honest, I have a story about this. I'm not going to say who the, I'm not going to say the guy's name, but there was a couple that I knew, lived in New York. He was a big executive. He worked downtown. Was at the Twin Towers when they came down. And his wife wanted to get out of the relationship. She just couldn't take it anymore. They had three kids, you know, beautiful family, but he was a raging lunatic, alcoholic, cross-dresser. Okay. And would get totally smashed and dress up and, you know, women's clothing and nothing's anything wrong with that. It's perfectly natural. And, you know, go out and get drunk and a friend of mine, who was a policeman, would pick them up, pick them up a few times, you know, drunk and disorderly. Nothing, you know, they book them, you know, with the way gone, you know, unshaven, you know. And so, sure, listen, we've all made mistakes. So he, you know, his wife wanted to get out of the relationship just, you know, calling friends, you know, I can't take it. It's just, it's getting worse. It's just the, you know, but he's, he makes a good living, you know, he's a big executive. So, you know, she's got a lifestyle. She's, you know, a beautiful house in Westchester County. Uh, kids in private school. What is she gonna do? Anyway, towers come down. He doesn't show up. She figures that he's gone, right? Finished. Oh, God, you know, calling everybody. He's not home. He's not home. God, what am I gonna do? He's not home. What am I gonna do? Horrible. Oh, God. Tragic. So tragic. Everything's tragic to me, to me. Well, who shows up at three o'clock in the morning covered in asbestos dust. He's like, oh, well, oh, oh, God, she wanted to kill him. But now he, you know, they're still married. They've worked it out. So many people work it out. That's why you have to give a time. They're back together. He's on, he drinks non-alcoholic beer, always smiling, highly medicated. Pantsuits instead of dresses? Probably. Yeah, he probably wears the pants. You know, that's part of it that no one's ever discussed is the cross-dressing. You know, that's, you know, that's a drunken mistake. You know, I put on a dress. You know, I don't discuss that. Marriage is, it's hard to keep a marriage together. It's hard to. I celebrated 18 years on October 25th of my anniversary. I'm not married anymore, but we still celebrate. And you have a child? I have a child, yes. She's in reform school, upstate New York, not too far from Attica. You know, that's their chant at school. Attica, Attica. And we had to bring passports to the school. I think they're signing them up for ISIS. You know, you can't go there unless you, you know, they, you call first. I don't like that, you know. No, no. Is your, is your daughter funny? Does she have a sense of humor? Yes. Unfortunately, she is, she is funny. Yeah. Talented, funny, tells me if I would have had the training that she's getting, I would be very successful. So if you've only would have taken an acting lesson or read a book, you know, maybe you would be further along in your career. Does she know that your lack of success is paying for her classes? I'm not. I'm not. I gave all that up to the wife. I have nothing to do with the child except support. Just, you know, Mary Ann makes all the decisions in school and she gets to pull the plug if she's, you know, dying. I don't have that right. I, you know, I can't, when you sign the divorce decree, you have to, somebody has to make that decision. And Mary Ann said, I'll make it. I'll make it. I'll do it. You know, so she's got that, you know, when you do a will, you have to write that stuff out. Well, do you find that now no longer having the power to pull the plug on her, you have less control? It's a different world we live in, David. Shit, I, I, I refuse to threaten their children with death. If you do that, I'm going to kill you. I will strangle you till you can't breathe. Try saying that to a kid today. You know, you know, you know, anybody listening, just go up to your kid. I'm going to say, if you don't do your homework, I'm going to strangle you and you're going to be dead, dead. Now, Mary in the backyard, you piece of crap. Yeah, try that. You will be locked up in 20 minutes. Yeah. You know, I, I remember my father banging on the bathroom door, get out, get out of here. I thought he was going to kill me. You know, I was never hit. You know, I was threatened all the time that I would be beaten and hit. But it never was. But, you know, that fear, you know, you, you have that fear, you know, that, you know, you're going to be beaten. You know, I came out of the bath from cowering and, you know, and don't hit me. Don't hit me. Stop it. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. Stop it. I'll get you growling. You know, it's ready to, what did I do? I did nothing. Well, the poor kid that was in the, you know, beaten up by that cop, you know, in South Carolina, maybe that girl didn't do anything and said, listen, I'm not getting up. You're crazy, crazy teacher, you know. You know, I was beaten in school, you know. One of the last years of being beaten in school, I think that's when I was in school, you know. Yeah. Were you traumatized? I mean, who? Yes. Oh, God, yes. Yeah, totally traumatized. I can't talk about it, but you know, I may or may not have been in therapy with one of my children just to, you know, smooth things over. And I may or may not have heard a therapist say something to the effect. You know, in the 70s, we used to believe that you should share everything with your kid. Tell them everything about your life. Tell them about your marriage, your drug use, your sex, everything. Now we've decided it's okay to keep secrets from your kids. They don't have we decided that? That the new thinking is kids don't need to know everything about you. I've told my daughter everything, you know. And she, I have a record. So, you know, she can Google me and find out that I've been arrested a few times and I've been married to another woman, you know, that I didn't even know. She can, they Google, you know, they, bad sets, you know, you have a bad set. So I listened to a YouTube thing the other day of this guy discussing, he saw me three times like in the 80s, the 90s and recently and then said, you know, the last time I saw him, you know, I didn't, he was talking about being gay and I didn't want to hear that. And I was like, I was just, you know, I'm trying out new stuff, you know, and, you know, he's has a YouTube show. Oh, piece of shit. God damn it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be, I'm lashing out now. What happens? Do you think it'll be possible that 20 years from now, we'll be sitting down, you and I will get married, we'll adopt a Chinese baby, they'll be much more expensive. There'll be many more Chinese babies. And the reason why they're doing that, the Chinese can have two babies now per couple is because they want to come after Donald Trump. You know, they, we need to get Trump. You, you have too many, everyone have too many. Come after Trump, get him bad. That is, I guess that's wrong to do that impression. I'm sorry. We're talking with Mickey Rooney from breakfast at Tiffany's. Oh, God, by the way, I'm in blackface. Yeah, when April showers away flowers with me. Because, you know, you, because of you, we used to listen to Al Jolson at the Holy City Zoo. But do you think Chinese babies now that they can have two are going to become more expensive to adopt here in America, because now that they can hold on to their babies and have more of them, or how does that work? Or is, or is it supply and demand? Did they become cheaper to adopt? They're going to be cheaper. Oh, right, right. And they're cheaper now than a white baby. So if you could try to get a white baby unit, you're paying premium bucks. Yeah. What about a white baby from China or a black baby? How about a black baby from China? Black baby in China. Black baby in China should stay in China, you know, because they're going to play basketball and they're going to, it's going to be a whole, you know, they're going to do well. They're going to, you know, immediately you go to China. I've been to China and China. That's how Trump says it. China. So you were entertaining who in China? The Prime Minister. No, I was there. I was there with John Hancock Insurance. And I was doing a private show for them. And I said, Oh my God, I can, you know, I played John Hancock on 30 Rock. I can, I can show that clip, you know, before I come up on stage, you know, you're, you're John Hancock, all the big execs. And, and then I go, I can't play that because I can't air that because, you know, I'm playing John Hancock and Tracy Ullman. No, Morgan Tracy Ullman, Morgan is yelling at me, you know, in the scene, you're racist, John Hancock's a racist. He's had slaves, all that crap, blah, blah, blah. And I'm going, you know, although it's funny in that setting, it wouldn't be funny. It would be, I wouldn't have had a good set after that. John Hancock had the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence, right? Hello. Now, was he the first one to sign the Declaration of Independence? Because I always, I always thought he had the big signature, you know, which is he had more than a big signature, put it that way. Was he overcompensating for something? No, he, it was big, you know, look it up, Google it. Big signature, big pen. Yeah. Yeah. And that was the, the, what was the pen that they used, you know, with the ink, you know, a quill pen. And then it was, and then 70 years ago today was the introduction of the ballpoint pen. Did you know that? No, I did not. And it cost $12 back in 19, in the 40s, 1947. And today, that would be the equivalent of $120. Have you ever run out of ink with a ballpoint pen? Light it on fire. Put it, you know, it doesn't happen much more anymore because, you know, who uses a pen here on the computer. But if the pen does run out, you know, put it under a flame, you know, the ballpoint and just heat it up just for a second. And you'll get some extra ink. For, for several years, when I knew you back in San Francisco, you would write your jokes down by scaring a squid who would shoot some kind of inky black liquid that you would write with? Yes. That was back then, you could go to Chinatown and get that. Today, you know, the, we're not getting as much squid or we're getting squid you know, to Chinatown and to the states without ink. Yeah. Because the ink is very valuable, like a tusk. Mm-hmm. You know, or a eye of a newt. You are correct, sir. Yes. I have an eye of a newt. Well, do you, you know, back when we were starting out as comics, you could scare a squid for the ink and it was perfectly acceptable. Now it's animal abuse. Earlier, I said, you know. It still is. Do you know how they, do you know how they get them up to the surface of the ocean? No. They shine lights like those big Hollywood search lights that you, that you live with every night. There's always a searchlight up there, you know, a new premiere. Blood Ransom movie I was in, which you can, there's so many of the great movies I've been in, Plump Fiction. Plump Fiction. Plump Fiction, yeah. I play the chocolate dealer. But they shine the lights into the water, into the ocean, you know, the big spotlights for the movie stars, into the ocean and the light goes down deep, deep, deep into the ocean. The squid comes up to the surface, then they stab them in the eye and get them, you know, and drain their ink. And next thing you know, you have Calabar. That's why it's always winking at me. Yeah. Hello, hello. So do you think there'll be a time when we'll go back to being able to threaten your kids? We can't do it now, but do you think if we adopt a Chinese baby 20 years from now, it'll be okay to say, practice the piano or I'll kill you? No. Kids will always, they're going to win. You know, all they have to do is pick up a phone, videotape you, you know, abusing them, you know, mentally. But I'm saying our psychiatrists or psychologists eventually going to say, you know what, we were wrong. The same way we were wrong about sharing every bit about yourself with your kids. It turns out we were wrong about not threatening to kill your kids. You should do it. We've done some studies and kids who are yelled at and threatened thrive. I think there's a fine line. I think if you, you know, you have to know how to threaten, you know, you have to know where to stop, you know, you know, like when you're trying to hit them in the backseat of the car, you know, you, you don't want to really hit them, but you want to scare them, you know, where they're like, ah, you're going to kill me, you know, and you have to shut up, you know, or, you know, whatever the situation is, you know, but today, today, you know, you swing that arm back there. The kid has a, you know, video device, cell phone. My daughter's had a phone since she was seven. I got her one when we were getting divorced. I said, call me if you need me. Put on your pillow. You know, mommy's crazy. And, you know, I'll save you, you know. So I bought my kids a grass valley switcher. So I walk around the house and they're going, take one, ready to take two. That's a very bad attempt at, do you go out of your, one of the things I've noticed with my kids is I just think annoying them is funny. Like, I live in New York now and I told them that's, when they were younger, that it's Houston Street, not Houston Street. Right. Or that it's Italian dressing, not Italian. And then when they were eight. It's not, it's not tomato sauce, it's gravy. But I just got off on my eight year olds going, oh, the movie theaters on Houston Street. And people would go, what? What are you talking about? How's the street? Why would you say something like that? Is that abuse? Your father. Well, listen, make sure they don't have a New York accent, you know. So that's what I, everybody in my family has a New York accent. But somehow I didn't want to be associated with my family when I was growing up. I didn't want to sound like them. I got a tape recorder when I was like 13 or 14. And I was like, oh my God, I can't sound like this. I have to sound different. So I created a new world. I don't think of you as a New Yorker. I think of you as a Boston comic, but you're from like upstate New York, right? I'm from Westchester County. Is that upstate or West state? Well, that's 30 minutes from Manhattan. But you started in San Francisco and we just had Barry Crimmins, the star of Call Me Lucky. On the show. It's a great movie that people should go see. It's directed by Bobcat Gulf. Wait, you and Barry Crimmins, two opposite ends of the comedy spectrum. You live together at the Barracks. What were the Barracks? And did you get along with Barry Crimmins? Well, always. I always got along with them because I was afraid of them. You know, more of a, you know, kind of, you know, if you don't respect him, you know, you'll be beaten. He'll beat you up, you know, with the truth. So, but he would let you get away with things. So, you know, he has a big heart also, but yeah, you had to know not to know when not to cross the line. So it was, you know, it was, you know, kind of a parental thing, but I liked him and he gave me work. So, you know, the first thing I did, I liked him because he gave me work. Then I liked him because, you know, I liked, you know, what his thought process was and, you know, how he looked at the world. So, and then I felt the, I didn't feel the same way exactly. I was more of a pussy where I would go, well, you know, maybe they're right. They're not right. You know, you don't know. So, you know, I would, I would compromise myself until, you know, as I get older, I would say I'm not going to, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm going to, you know, be more like Barry. So he was very inspirational in that way, you know, where he would kind of instill that courage in all the comedians that he liked. What were the barracks? That was the barracks was a house in Cambridge that at one time had been a Harvard dormitory. And how I found that out, I was living in one of the rooms there and the windows had never been cleaned in the house. You know, it was like just this dive of a place that you would just, it was a flop house, you know, like furniture found on the road that would be, you know, put in the living room or in the bedroom and, you know, just dishes that weren't done, you would throw them out. That would be it, you know. The bath, old time bathtub where you would take a shower and you would have to straddle the tub because the tub would be filled with water because the drain was stuck and you would straddle it and, you know, like a circus act, take a quick shower and then eventually the water would go down. But I was washing the window. I said, I'm going to clean my room. I'm going to make it nice. So I'm washing the windows and I see all these initials on them that says, you know, 84, 97. And I'm like, wow, what's this? And I researched it before Google, before the internet, before Elgore. And I found out that it was a dormitory and the students that when they would graduate, they would write their initials and the year they graduated on the window. Are those 18? Yes, yes. So when Lenny lived there, he would be drunk, you know, like crazy lunatic and I mean, and not just him, everybody there, you know, there was Coke parties, playing cards, gambling, you know, girls, everything, you know, you name it. Lenny comes home one night, mad, the girlfriend broke up, you know, throwing chairs through the windows, just breaking all the windows of these historic windows that, you know, people spend hours, you know, carving their initials, you know, their initials and the year they graduated, 87. And the windows, you couldn't look through them really because they had weathered and, you know, how windows, as they get aged, they, you know, they, you know, there's water in there and they, you know, drips down. So it's kind of a foggy look through it, you know, ancient windows. Well, he, you know, broke them, broke a lot of them, not all of them. How damn it, Carol! I love Carol! She left me! What was the sperm room? That was Barry Knight-Krug's room. And what does that mean, the sperm room? I, well, you know, Barry wasn't there and somebody would have a girl, you know, to get over there, they could go into the sperm room and have their way with their, their woman. And there wasn't a door, there was just a sheet that hung down, a light blue sheet, you know. God, I haven't heard the name of the sperm room and I have to google that. Actually, I'm playing the sperm. He's so talented, Barry, and he would, you should ask Barry about the sperm room. He lived in there. I'm playing the sperm room in Toledo, Ohio next week. Oh my God, that's not far from the humor bin. Now, how many years did you live in the barracks? Probably, it seemed like, you know, five years, but it was probably maybe a year and a half. And did visiting comics stay there? Oh yeah, everybody stayed there. All right, so you're a pretty, you're a pretty disciplined guy. You are. Well, you know, that was a different time, you know, it was just, I was just starting out and I, all those guys were out in San Francisco. Lenny, Martin Olson, Don Gavin came out there to do the comedy competition and they go, hey, you look like us. Why don't you come back to Boston and get you a lot of work? You know, so I said, yeah, so I came back and I worked every night and Lenny goes, you can stay here, you know, the, you know, you can sleep on the couch, you know, whatever you want. I didn't know that. Yeah. I always thought you were, excuse me, I always thought you were a Boston comic. No, I relocated to San Francisco. No, I grew up in New York, went to, found my way to San Francisco and then to Boston. And, you know, when I first was on The Tonight Show with Johnny, he goes, next guy's found him in Boston. And it was out of Boston scene. I don't know. Kind of a weird, different, different guy. You're gonna like him. Boy, did you kill? It's all on, you know, my website, KevinMini.com. All the kids are going there. So you have a lot of, I have a lot of links up there that you can watch all the comedy from yesteryear. So you, so you're living in the barracks. Could you make plans? Could you say, boy, I'm tired. I'm gonna get a good night's sleep tonight. No, no. You would tumble and you would, there was always drugs, always booze, always, you know, playing cards. Don Gavin would get together a game of poker and lose all your money. You know, he was like a card shark. You know, he was smarter than, smarter than anybody. But nothing. He would, he would win all the time. You know, I would, I can't lose. I have no money. I lost everything. And were you doing sets every night? Yes, every night. Wow. You know, you know, whatever bar, you know, that would let people come in to do a stand-up show like Mike McDonald, book them, Barry book them, Paul Barkley, Bill Downs, Chance Langton, you know, every big Mike McDonald that I have a room, I have a room on Tuesday. You know, is it fair to say that the Boston audience is back then? Are you undoing your kimono? No, I'm not doing anything. I hear Velcro. Oh, my microphone is rubbing on my, my shirt color. Ah, okay. My dirty, filthy shirt color. It's not touching. Oh, God, I should clean it. I'm gonna scrub it down tonight and hang it out on the line. Is it fair to say that the Boston audiences were either the worst or the best in America at any given time? You never knew what you were gonna, is that a fair statement? No, I would say most of the time they're the best. Yes, there are some times when they're not good, you know, whether that's alcohol, you know, related. I've been booked. Yeah, I have no idea. But 95% of the time they're the best audiences in the world. So you can't get people anymore, you know, because they love to laugh. When they laugh, they howl, you know, and so, but if they don't like it, they get mad and they can attack you and hurt you, you know, I'll kill you, you piece of crap. Well, look to me. Today's show is sponsored by Casper. Casper, the online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. Casper mattress is an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. It has just the right sink and just the right bounce. They've combined two technologies, latex foam and memory foam. They come together for better nights and brighter days. Casper, so sure that you're going to love the good night's sleep that you get on a Casper mattress. They're offering you a risk-free trial and return policy. Try sleeping on a Casper mattress for 100 days that includes free delivery and painless returns. If you don't like it, you can send that mattress back at no extra cost. These are mattresses that are made in America. $500 for a twin-size mattress and $950 for a king-size mattress. Compare that to every other mattress out there and you'll see that Casper mattress is the best deal out there for a good night's sleep. Here's a special offer to listeners of my show. You can get $50 off towards any mattress purchase by visiting casper.com forward slash Feldman or by using the promo code Feldman and get $50 towards any mattress purchase. We have questions that people wrote in. I told people. Really? Yes. I have a question I want to ask before we get to our listener questions. What was your biggest expense this month? Biggest expense would probably be my life insurance. What did you buy? Nothing. I can't buy anything. Maybe some almonds. Here's a question. If nobody knew it was Kevin Meany underneath the costume, what would you really like to go as this Halloween? That's a good question. Oh, God. Do you observe Halloween? My brother does because he was born on Halloween. So was my grandfather. Okay. Grandpa Jack. I'm not a big Halloween fan. You're Irish grandfather, Jack O'Lantern. Sorry. My brother's name is Jack. Is it really? Yes. My grandfather's name was Tom, but we would call him Bebop. Could you do me a favor and do that joke, please? What joke is that? Jack O'Lantern. I have an Irish grandfather who was born on Halloween. His name is Grandpa Jack O'Lantern. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm going to tweet that. By the way, what is your Twitter handle? Because you have the best tweets in the world. At Kevin Meany. All the kids are going there. Let me go to my last tweet. Oh, dear. Did I hang up on you? No. Something happened to the web. Oh, okay. So you don't get dressed up on Halloween? No. And I don't like to do shows on Halloween because there's always the idiot in the, you know, in the audience wearing a mask. Right. You know, and they're trying to get the attention and, you know, I'm trying to do a show. Right. That's why I don't play to burn victims. Sorry. Oh, God, but they need to laugh. They really do. They sit there. You just have to accept that. Your daughter. Get to old people homes, old age homes, senior facilities. Oh, God, they're the worst because there's always somebody in the room that's asleep. And you as a comedian want to go, is that guy dead? And you and you eventually say it. He could be dead. And they're like, he could be dead. We lost someone last night. That's funny. Yeah, every day we lose somebody. You have a daughter. Do you ever go trick or treating with her? Oh, I used to. Yeah, sure. Was there ever a Halloween with your daughter that ended unpleasantly? No, but I do remember one time I got a picture of, here's not a good costume, Lincoln. You know, not, you know, you know, the parents go, who do you want to be? I want to be Lincoln. That's not a good thing. You know, you're going to be shot. So, you know, a little seven-year-old kid with the top, you know, with those hats on, you know, you're just looking for trouble. There he is again. Showed him. Read the slaves. You know, they're still mad. Yeah, I could see how that could be a problem in certain parts of Boston. Yeah. You don't want to do that in Alabama, you know, down south of the Mason-Dixon line. They don't even sell them, the Lincoln outfits. And John Wilkes Booth is very popular. I'm going to go as Booth. Yeah, I'm going. I'm going, trying to do something. I'm going as Booth. Yeah. My daddy went as Booth. His daddy went as Booth. My daddy's daddy was Booth. And finally, have you been arrested recently? That's the last question. And then I want you to describe the leaves in your book. No, I have not been arrested. And people think that I'm not allowed to fly, and that I'm on the no fly list. And, you know, I've flown millions and millions of miles, maybe five million miles in my life, maybe more. I've been arrested twice. So that is, listen, you fly five million miles. Let's see how many times you get arrested, you know. What's the longest you ever were trapped on a plane on the tarmac? Oh, I got off. I got, I told them to let me out. It was a Minneapolis. No, I was going to Minneapolis, and I was, they landed somewhere else because they had problems, you know, with weather. And I said, they go, we're going to be here for a while. And I said, I have to get off the plane. And I think I feigned illness of some kind. Maybe I collapsed or, you know, I, something I needed medication or I got off the plane. Only one able to get off, rented a car, drove to the gig, got on stage and did the show. Wow. Yeah. All right. Why companies won't hire me? I don't know. I will be there. Finally, there is a riot of color right now. And I don't mean Ferguson. I don't know what that meant, but there's a riot of color in your backyard, isn't there? Yes. Well, it's always like, just say if you came here tonight, you flew in from where are you now? I'm in Manhattan. So you drove up from the city and you go, oh my God, it's beautiful. It's so beautiful here. Look at the colors. And I would say, well, you know, you should have been here last week. Last week was peak. So you're never there at the right time. You say, no, it's beautiful. Well, last week was peak. You missed the peak. It's like peak is only for like, you know, two hours. And then, you know, check with the peakers. Let's tell you. And Google it. Google peakers. And anybody out there listening, just peakers. P-E-K-E-R-S. And how's your hunting going this year? I know you're a big bear hunter. I don't hunt. I trap. Oh, that's right. So I've got a lot of traps set all out on my land. Just mouse traps. Not bear traps. Little mouse traps. And then you take the mouse that you've trapped, the mice that you've trapped. The mice. You take them down to the general store and you trade the mouse pelts for what? No, I have them stuffed now. So it's a whole taxidermy thing that I'm getting into. A lot of people don't. You can stuff a mouse now and, you know, in funny situations. You know, hands up, don't shoot. That's one of them. That's the big seller. You know, I've got a rainbow mouse. So I got a gear. I got a Richard gear. Of course, I got one of those. Even though it was a gerbil, it's still the, you know, same family. So that's doing well. That gerbil thing is, that is physically impossible. Okay. Let me tell you something. Here this guy has a, you know, a lifetime career of great movies. He's a great actor, big star. No matter what you think of him, you know, he's a big star, you know, you know, when, when he dies, God, he had a gerbil up his ass. That's all anybody thinks about. You know, once you get that label, even though he's still working, you know, it's even the, you know, the guy that hires him. Yeah. You know, one of these, we're going to say anything about that. Right. It's like OJ's problem. Yeah. Same thing. You know, Trump was at Jacksonville this past week and I was working down there at a club in a mini mall and the only, we were the only business in the mini mall. Every other business was closed. As an out of business or just out of business, out of business. Yeah. But the comedy club survives. No lights in the parking lot. Great, great place. Great venue. I'll send you there. But we, you know, I was with Trump the day OJ was being chased up the 405. What were you doing? I was opening up for David Hasselhoff in Atlantic City and at the Trump Castle. And it was his pay per view. David Hassel, David Hasselhoff's pay per view. And Marla was there. Marla was opening up for David. Marla off Marla Maples, his wife. And they sang, if I were carpenter and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby? So it was beautiful. And then I, then I went on and OJ was on TV all day. And then after the show, Donald ordered his people to bring a big TV backstage and we all sat around and watched OJ being chased and being captured on the 405. Now, did Donald Trump think that OJ was innocent? Because Donald Trump's a person of color. So they tend to, hello? Yeah, I'm here. I sneezed. Oh, I thought you were like choking on how bad that joke was. No, no, no. Who's the, who's the most famous person you've met? Like, is Donald Trump up there? I mean, who would be the most intimidating person? I wasn't intimidated by Donald. I mean, when we were in that little group and we were there for like, you know, at least an hour together, you know, with Marla and David Hasselhoff and the Donald and, you know, a few other people, you know, like maybe two other people. It's just like a small group. Donald was the leader. Did he let his hair down? No, he was in charge. It was his, you know, he put this gathering together. But I was kind of like the Joy Bay Har and I would lob a bomb and every once in a while and then Marla would swing her head next to me. Oh, yeah. It's funny. Yeah. Twirl her hair. Could you see being a billionaire and, you know, being friendly with them? I guess sure. I could be friends. Who's the who's the most powerful, famous person you've either met or performed for? Well, there's been so many. John Kennedy, Jr. Wow. Yeah. And then I tried to introduce my wife to him and she goes, No, I can't. I can't get next to him. I can't. So handsome. Where was this? This was in LA. Wow. This is at the airport right before he took off. We were flying. He said, I said, no, I don't want to get on that plane. And he, oh, God, gone banished. Was he a funny guy? No, not really. You know, I kind of assaulted him. You know, I walked into him and I go, Hey, JJ, Jr. God, you don't look anything like your father. You didn't do that. No, no, God. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, let's plug some. This is thank you so much for doing this. Let's plug your gigs. Where are you going to be? I'm going to be in, I guess I'm going to be in Boston on November 14th at for the Boston Comedy Festival. I'm going to be in the Bergata in Atlantic City in December. You can get all these dates on my website, Kevinmini.com. All the kids are going there. I'll be in the Can Bar performing arts center on New Year's Eve with a great lineup, Jeff Bolt, Michael Ehand. In San Francisco. Yes. The Can Bar. What is this? I've never heard of this venue. The Jewish Community Center. You probably would never hear of it. Okay. Well, if I were Jewish, I might have. This would be in San Rafael. Yes. In San Rafael. Yes. They don't have a Houston street in San Rafael. So it's the, what is it? So where you, the Jeff Bolt and Michael, have you seen Michael Ehand perform recently? No. Well, I did his movie, which is out now. I think it's touring the country, you know, the festivals. Take my city, don't take my city, something like that. God, I should know the name. I should be a good celebrity and know the names of my movies. Blood Ransom, by the way, you can check that out. I play Mr. Manningham, the head vampire. Yes, go ahead, please. Let's plug. So once again, I interrupted you on the San Francisco date. What is that again, please? That would be New Year's Eve. And that would be it. Yeah. The Can Bar Performing Arts Center. Can Bar, Can Bar, C-A-N-D-A-R, Can Bar Performing Arts Center. Is that in San Rafael? San Rafael. Yes. San Rafael, California. Yes. And what are the movies that we can? Well, I'm going to be on Two Broke Girls on December 10th, which is coming up CBS 930 Thursday night. Wow. Hidden America, which I just taped with Jonah Ray in Boston. Great. Blood Ransom. I play Mr. Manningham, head vampire. What is Blood Ransom? Blood Ransom is a horror movie. And I play a very serious role. It's not funny. I'm a serious actor. I'm a serious vampire. All the good-looking vampires come to me for advice, and I give it to them, you know. Is this a role you can really sink your teeth in? I'm sorry. Doc, you must have did a line tonight because you are sharp, sharp, sharp. Well, I love you. You are the funniest man in the world. Jeff Garland says you're the funniest man in the universe. Oh my God. I love that, Jeff Garland. Yes, and you are. You are. It is an honor to know you. A handsome man. Yes. A very handsome man. It's an honor to know you, and I hope you come back real soon. Well, you know, I'm in New York, so maybe you could come up to the house and I could make you some sweet tea. Yes. Maybe some broccoli rob or something. Yes. And we've been meaning to thank you. I'm going to take you up on that. And maybe next time, if I can figure out how to work this, get Jeremy on the line. Yes, I know. I saw that in my history here of the calls with you on Skype. I saw, you know, where you tried to connect us. And we could, I couldn't make it work. And I have to call Jeremy. Would you say Jeremy Kramer? How would you, what would you say about? Uh, how would you describe him? The, you know, one of the funniest people I've ever known in my life, you know, so, you know, I can't, you know, I would love to do something with him, you know, like, you know, on film or video, just to capture, you know, whatever that is. He's, there's like, he does periscope now. Do you know that? No. Follow him on periscope because you'll get a little, you know, ding on your phone and it'll be Jeremy Kramer is live on periscope. Okay. And then you just see him driving his car. You know, he's got the camera pointed to his face and I go, hello there, everybody. I'm Jeremy Kramer. You know, and then he looks back out on the road. I'm sitting there in bed like, oh God, he's just the greatest. He's just so free spirited. Are you a consumer of comedy? Do you watch comedy? Do you watch comedy movies or? No, I'm a consumer of crime shows. I love crime shows. I mean, I've watched them all. So I don't really watch much stand up comedy on television because I don't want to be influenced by anybody, you know, like, and then I'll steal a joke or something because I'll do that, you know, you know, I'll come see your show and next thing you know, I'm out on the ships doing it. Doing the Jack O'Lantern joke. Yeah, Jack O'Lantern. It's funny, funny, funny stuff. Thank you, sir. Are you there? David, David, I'm sorry, I was taking a sip of water. Oh, thank you so much for doing this. Again, it's an honor and I'm going to call Jeremy and get you back real soon. Are you speaking into a microphone? Yes. And you have headphones on? Yes. Cans? Do you call them cans? I call them cans, yes. I call them cans, yeah. Yeah. Do you call it kaka or poo poo? Kaka. I like kaka. I think it's not as dirty. It's not as visual. You know, when you say poo poo, you know, oh, God, that's poo poo when you say kaka. Well, kaka is the poo poo that I keep in a mason jar. Nice. That's the one. I'm having my mom do that now. Hers or yours? Hers, you know, so I can, that's just something to keep sake. Did your mother, you told me your mother used to bronze your kaka? Well, up till a certain age, you know, it wasn't really a bronze thing. It was you know, she'd cover it with a rice pilaf. What was the proudest you've ever made your mother? I guess when I did, I would have to say there's been so many times when I gave the commencement address at my old high school. So my brothers there and my sister and my mom and dad, my speech, you know, the big speech I gave, you know, to the students of, it was a class of 1994, it was 20 years after I had graduated. And I had mentioned, oh, God, I just brought up all the things back in 1974 that you couldn't do, that you could do in 1994, you know. Like threatened to kill your kid? I probably brought that up. So your mother was, was proud of you? She was proud of me when I did my show called Wedding Vows in Vegas when I did my, what happened to me one night in Vegas when I got married to a woman I didn't know and then I had to get out of it. She loved that show, loved it. Oh, that was the funniest. You married Britney Spears? No, I married, we won't mention. But she was a great, great gal. Yes. And I tried to carry over the threshold. No, we, we had a great time for that, for that time. And did your father is your, what was the proudest you ever made your father? Oh, this is where I make my guests cry. Cry. Yeah. Oh, there's been so many times that I made him proud. You know, when I graduated 174 out of 175 in my class in high school. One kid had died. So I'd gone down a rank. Are you saying you, you were at the bottom of the class? Yes, I was at the bottom of the class. Yeah. No, he was proud of me for. Did you really graduate? I did. Yes, I did. I didn't try. That's almost as poorly as I did in the San Francisco comedy competition. But he liked, you know, he came to see all my plays. And he liked what I did on stage and encouraged me to, you know, follow my dream. So he, you know, was very supportive and, you know, me doing what I, I wanted to do, you know, where my mother was like, no, you have to get a job. You have no benefits. And he, and my dad would send me when I was living in San Francisco, when I first met you, I would get a letter from my dad and he would have like $10 and, you know, the envelope or $20, you know, and he goes, you know, make sure you get whatever you need, you know. So that was a lot of money, you know, back then, you know. And was he okay with Cap Callaway living next door? I wasn't okay with Cap Callaway. I had the problem with him. And I learned a very valuable business lesson. When it was a big snowstorm, I went across the street, I knocked on a store and I said, do you want your driveway shoveled? He said, yes, I shoveled it. Then I went up to the door and I went to get my money. And he gave me like a dollar. And I was like, you know, that was like a four or $5 job. You know, and I was, I still carry that with me that he cheated me. But I cheated myself because I should have said, listen, I will shovel your driveway for $10. Then he could have negotiated it down to five. I said, okay, I'll do it. Do you think Cap Callaway is cheap? Is that a stereotype about Asian people that he? He's not Asian. His name is Cap. Isn't he yellow? No, he's African American. Well, but why is he called Cap? Cabs are yellow. Because that's his nickname, because he would always, he would never take the bus. He would always take a cab, which is ironic for a black man. Because to the gigs, he would always do the gig. But he said to me one time, we were at Billy Boyle's house across the street from the Callaways and Cab was visiting Mr. and Mrs. Boyle. And Billy and I walked into the house and he was talking about the Blues Brothers. And he said, yeah, that Dan Ackroyd, he's a smart, smart man. But that John Belushi, oh God, he's an idiot. So he said, hey, listen, don't shoot the messenger. All right. Was he? He did not like John Belushi. He did not like him. How long did Cab live near you? Oh my God, my whole life. You know, we moved to the house, he was there. But nobody ever said there was a black person in the neighborhood until a black person moved into the neighborhood. And then they, you know, I said, I was always confused. And my mother would say, you know, there was a big news that we lived in Mayfair Acres and a black family moved into the neighborhood. And my mother said, be nice. Be nice. And I couldn't understand. I said, like, you know, what's the big deal of a black person moving into the neighborhood? Meanwhile, we got Cab Calloway across the street. But he was, he wasn't considered black. No, he was a celebrity. I see. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. And now who lives in that house? Uber Calloway? That house was, well, Uber? The family that had moved into the neighborhood, you know, not the Calloways, the new black family, that house was burned down. So that that's gone. And there's a tall fence still fenced up crime scene. Seriously? No. You know who else lived down the street? And this is what you won't believe this. Mom's Mabelie. Wow. Yes. Did you know Mom's Mabelie? No, but my father would drive by the house all the time and said, there's where Mom's lives. And it was the nicest house. It was always so well kept. You know, she was very neat, Mom's. Did anybody, so, wow, did you see the documentary that Whoopi did on Mom's? Yeah, that was great. She was absolutely brilliant. Whoopi played Mom's, didn't she? That's right. Yeah. On Broadway. Yeah, on Broadway. Yeah. Wow. So you grew up with royalty. Babe Ruth is buried right up the street in Gator Heaven. Judy Garland interned at the gate at the gate of heaven. A lot of big celebs. The Jimmy Cagney, you know, I lived right near a cemetery. So we were never afraid of death. Wow. Do you remember Judy Garland's internment? Sure. We broke into all the graves. No, I'm talking about when she was rounded up as a Japanese American during World War II. She was. Her internment for two years. Don't you remember? They thought she was Japanese and... Oh. You don't remember that? No, I don't remember that. So do you remember the big funeral? A lot of funerals would come by our house and we would sit out, you know, on the stump and watch the cars go by. It was kind of sad. But fun, we would count them. You know, we'd say, okay, that's a big celeb. There was like 40 cars. And finally, what did you make for dinner tonight? Well, I'm making it now. I have a nice piece of cod. I have some spinach and onions and garlic and that's it. And then what are you going to do? I am going to take a sponge bath as I do every night. I'm going to maybe get in my gravity boots for about a half an hour and then, you know, go into lockdown. Are you going to read? No, I'm going to be on the internet and I'm going to go on, I'm going to turn on the TV and I'm going to watch something on Netflix. What are you going to watch? Maybe The Aviator. That's a, yeah. It's about how we'd use. Yeah, yeah. That's a great movie. I hear it's great. Yeah, it's fun. You had an amazing life. God, no, before I watch it, I'll wash my hands, grab myself, give myself a silkwood shower. I guess him and, yeah, he was an interesting man. I really liked him a lot. I would use. Fascinated with him. Yeah. And what is that? Is that meat? What is that crunching sound? That is my collar, you know, going up against my, or it could be my beard. I'm just opening up the oven now. I'm just, I'm going to put my fish in there. How do you like that? All right. It's wild caught cod. You know, this isn't like just any cod. This is like a guy out there in a boat. He catches it. Can you hear that? Yeah. Right in the oven. Yep. There we go. Great. Let's see. It's going to be done. All right. I got a clock. It's five o'clock your turn. Okay. I think I'm going to cook it on Pacific time because it's Alaskan. Thank you, Kevin. Thank you, David. We have a new sponsor today, Casper Mattress. You can purchase at Casper Mattress at Casper.com forward slash Feldman or by using the promo code Feldman. That's our show. Please friend me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter. Go to KevinMini.com and please help us out by going to DavidFeldmanshow.com and hit the Amazon banner and do all your shopping via the David Feldman show from the show Briss Studios in downtown Manhattan. I'm David Feldman.