 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan Astley of Jonathan Astley.com And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, get him to hear you, hear you, listen and hear you. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly, this is my weekend videos. I shoot out on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and ask me questions. And I shoot personalized videos just for you and the group. So check out the link below to my VIP group. All right, let's talk about getting the man to listen and hear you. Do you want that? All right, I'll be candid with you. This video was birthed out of watching a video with John Gray. And if you're not familiar with John Gray, he wrote the famous book called Men Are From Mars and Women From Venus. And while I appreciate a lot of the work he's done in that book, helping people improve their relationships, especially in the area of communication, what I didn't like and what frustrates me is the narrative that men operate from the premise that they just simply, they don't listen to you. They only want to fix whatever problem you have. And it's all based on their testosterone levels and women are different because of their estrogen levels. And as I'm listening to this, I swear to God, I want to barf because there is more to the equation than just our levels of testosterone for us men. And the reason why I know this is I look at someone like my son, my 20, here's a picture of my 25-year-old son, Colin. There he is, handsome guy. You know, he's an amazing listener and he's a male and he's at the height of his testosterone levels at his point in his life. I mean, for men, at 25, our hormones are raging and that they're at the highest level. And yet I look at an individual like my son, Colin, he's an amazing listener, an amazing communicator. And this has nothing to do with his testosterone levels as this narrative has shared. And what I want to lean into, some of the reasons why people are not good listeners, and this is true for men and women alike. And I want you to think about this when we were born. You know, we had no ability to actually use our words, if you will. You know, we were basically talk to our entire, you know, for the first couple of years of our life before we were able to speak. And for the first couple of years, if you were blessed to grow up in a good home, and I want you to imagine a lot of people weren't blessed to grow up in a good home, there was probably a lot of loving communication for those first two years. And then everything switched by the time you could walk and think about it. Your parents would continually tell you what to do and they would speak down on you and tell you no, constantly, from a place of love but to a child that doesn't feel like love. Now think about that, to a child that doesn't feel like love. To be constantly told what to do and what you're doing wrong and how you should do it better. Because adults communicate to little children like they're adults. Under the guise of it's a softer voice or something like that. I was sitting out my balcony over the weekend and I was listening to a father scold his daughter for something she was doing. And I want you to imagine a little child's brain can't comprehend the communication at that point in their life. And so whether it's a boy or a girl, we were indoctrinated in a lot of violent communication as a child. And one of the reasons why I continually recommend the book. I want everyone to check out this book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. By the way there's a link to all Jonathan recommends books here. Now the title should have been called Compassionate Communication. And the reason why it was called Nonviolent because we were literally indoctrinated as children with a lot of violent communication. Now violent, not from the sense of like physical violence but abusive like from that perspective. So I want you to think about this and I know many of you are parents and you're thinking well I never did that to my children. Of course you did. And quite frankly to a child they don't know the difference. So why is this so critically important? Because it's not about testosterone levels. By the way folks when you're listening to the narrative that John shares about testosterone. What are you going to do about it? You can't do anything about someone's testosterone or estrogen levels. Of course men can get increased testosterone which we do from the perspective of because we want more energy and we want a hard on. And women have estrogen pills so they can feel a little bit more feminine maybe. And again I don't know the hormone necessity from that perspective. But I'm here to say that narrative just doesn't make sense. Because if you look deep now let's take the step deeper. Were you raised in a good home? Were you raised in a poor home? Not poor from a financial perspective but from an abusive home. Think about all the dysfunctionality so many children were raised with. And then we are stepping into the generation now where the late baby boomers are the ones that experience the first level of divorce. And imagine the contention that might have been your home. It might have been in your home if your parents were going through a contentious divorce. And how does that affect us emotionally in our capacity to be able to listen to another human being. And that's what I'm leaning into today. So first you understand the narrative of why this happens. And it's not because testosterone levels are with men make them want to fix things of course. And by the way the reason why men want to fix things is because we want harmony. Now according to John Gray women are addicted to the drama. They're addicted to the drama of the crisis happening so they create crisis for men and so we can fix that. And based on biology. Well that's basically someone addicted to drama is an unconscious human being in my mind if they're addicted to drama. And this is why I wrote my book and I want to share this with everyone right now. It's called what the heck is self love anyway what the heck is self love anyway. It's a journey of personal development self help and spiritual work. So you actually have inner peace inside of you so you're not addicted to the drama. And by the way men are equally addicted to drama as women. By the way as men age ladies a lot of you know in midlife how so many men are addicted to the drama as well. There's nothing to do. I mean and if it does okay so what's so knowing that has to do with testosterone or estrogen what's what are you going to do about it. Well that's what I want to lean into today. Pulled out my trusty notes. So I want to share something with you all because if you want a man to begin to listen to you. And hear you then I invite you to start leaning leading by example leading by example. And one of the ways you can do that in communication is when somebody says something to you the first thing you do is repeat back to them what was said. Repeat that when someone says something to you you repeat back. So what you're saying Jonathan is you repeat back what is said. Yes because that helps someone hear you because they're now using their own words or you're using your own words to validate what they said. So now folks this is going to take a little practice because humans aren't used to validating someone's communication. I mean by validating let me reframe that acknowledging someone else's communication. So first so what you're saying is Jonathan this OK if you do that enough time the other person will start doing it happens by osmosis. So first validate or acknowledge what they say that's one of the ways to lead by example. OK and again the next thing is learn to express things from the perspective of I and not you. Let me explain this to you instead of it's from an I and not you. A lot of times in relationships you will point the finger at the guy as he's the cause of the problem instead of something like. Hey Jonathan I felt really sad when we weren't able to go to the movies instead of saying I'm really pissed at you that we didn't go to the movies. See one is accusatory and one is sharing your feeling. This is all taught in the book nonviolent communication so I highly recommend checking this out and for those who say reading books take too much time. Folks if you're not willing to invest a few hours days or weeks in your life to improve your communication skills and what's the point of being in relationship. OK another thing you might want to do and this is something I did with my ex-girlfriend. When we because there was times when she wanted to vent and there were times she wanted me to solve problems. I repeat that there was time she wanted to vent and there were times she wanted to stop me to help her solve a problem. So we had a little code between us and she would say hey if she wanted me to help her with a problem she said hey Jonathan can I process something with you. I repeat that she would say Jonathan can I process something with you. And what that meant was she wanted my feedback she wanted my input she wanted my my counsel if you will consolier for those who know the Godfather reference. By the way speaking of reference check out my shirt humankind be both yay and my coffee mug today. Sometimes you forget you're awesome so this is your reminder coming back to so she'd say I want to process something. Now if she wanted to simply vent she would then say to me Jonathan can you hold the basket can you hold the basket. And this is a reference from my friend Allison Armstrong where she says women oftentimes vomit their feelings. So if there was a situation where my ex-girlfriend wanted to vomit her feelings she would say can you hold the basket. And that merely said meant was I just hold it let her get it all out and then we just move on. There would be no discussion over it or just sometimes you want to vent and by the way venting is very healthy venting is very healthy. What's not healthy is complaining complaining in my book chapter 2 is something called stop stop effing complaining. The point is complaining isn't isn't venting is just getting something out of you complaining is pointing the finger at someone usually and not taking ownership in life. Oftentimes complaining is you know I can understand why someone might want to vent about the traffic and complain about the traffic. But when it complaining usually comes from a judgmental place whereas venting is just simply letting go that energy inside of us. So our secret or our secret to communication we were together. Can you can I can I process something with you or can you hold the basket and that was just merely to vent. And let's face it we all need someone to vent to at times because the reality is is if we hold stuff in. And by the way if you do this enough with your partner he'll begin to do it with you. Let me repeat that he'll begin to do it with you. And so what happens is you begin communicating with one another. Now here's the challenge when you're in relationship with somebody who always wants to be right. Someone who is more myopic. Oftentimes the narrative of people being narcissists is really and is really someone who's myopic. Myopic means they see the world in tunnel vision. Okay so with these people it can be very difficult to get them to here. There's no doubt about it. There are plenty of people that have their always want to be right. And oftentimes being in relationship with those people is very tenuous. So if you've practiced these skills for a while or excuse me you've utilized these tools for a while in your relationship and you're still seeing the behavior of I want to be right. Well then chances are this is not maybe the ideal relationship to be in. And folks we have to let go of the narrative that every relationship is the forever after that is supposed to go the distance. Many relationships are here to teach us a lesson. And if you're not familiar with the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated I highly recommend checking this out because it's dating from a spiritual perspective. And when I mean by spiritual perspective of not about the destination about the experience itself because every encounter you have with a human being is an opportunity to grow within yourself. And that's my invitation for you is to begin to do the work inside so you're better prepared to be in a really healthy happy relationship. This is one of the reasons why I continually recommend the book. Folks I highly recommend the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman and the reason why and you want to listen to this right now. So don't log off if you're listening. Folks ever since I began introducing this book to my YouTube community I'm getting hundreds of emails from women saying Jonathan I bought two copies of the book. I gave a copy to the man I'm dating and we started reading it together. Now I will tell you eight out of 10 times guys will reject this they will not want to do this with you for whatever reason. And if someone doesn't want to do that with you how serious are they about being in a relationship with you or how serious are they about being in any relationship with anyone. The ones who have and I'm telling you hundreds of women have now emailed me are telling me that the communication by doing the steps in the book lays out questions and things to ask one another. That helps prepare that actually helps create better communication with one another. And that's my invitation for you in fact one of the things I do in my private coaching by the way check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you. One thing I do is I work specifically with women to help them ask the right questions in the early stage of dating to determine if a man is emotionally mature and if he's a good candidate for the from a perspective of compatibility. So you definitely if you want to be in a great if you want to if you're single looking for love and you want help then you definitely want to check out my private coaching. All right coming back to communication why this is so important folks. The reason why people can't hear you is because humans aren't talking to one another and this is because of their imprinting maybe their cultural background. Maybe the fact that boys are treated differently than girls there is a big stew that causes this that has nothing to do with testosterone and estrogen. OK yes those are part of the equation but they're small they're just parts. OK you have to add this all together and ultimately if you want to improve communication in your relationship it's going to require being intentional. And I know many of you love the idea that men are the leaders of the relationship and you just sit back and you're feminine they're going to claim you ladies. That's great for when we men are chasing sex. OK let them do that all day long. If you're the type of woman that wants to be in a serious we're fully committed relationship then start being intentional set your standards right from the get go so you don't waste time with the wrong guys. And you start you start experiencing relationship with the right guys. All right I've given you a lot here to digest. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this post a comment post a question I do my best to read them all I do my best to acknowledge many of them. If you like my shirt my coffee mug let me know if my content resonate with you please share and like it with friends and again check out all the links below. All right I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big check and a job of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's OK. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now.