 Star Wars. Magical. Memorable. Cash-grabby. Disappointing. Tragic. It's a lot of things, isn't it? Today I'm gonna be ranking all the live-action films and not counting those Ewok things or the Star Wars Christmas Special or the Mandalorian because that's not even a film, that's a TV series. And since I'm wearing some Star Wars merch, obviously what I say is the absolute gold standard, right? That's how this works. I'm gonna try my hardest to stay focused and get this done in a quick, concise manner so we can get on with our day. Let's begin with the worst of the bunch. Before we get into what I can only imagine will be a 30 plus minute video, make sure to hit the subscribe. Force push that subscribe button like your life depended on it because I put out a lot of content and I think you need to be part of it. You need to experience this magic at work. I just tried to do this video, I attempted to do it a half hour back, but I got caught up on the last Jedi for 30 plus minutes, so I ended up making it its own video, going back and talking about how much I hate this thing. So for the sake of this ranking, I'm gonna be very quick about it. You can watch that and hear the entire 20 plus minute rant and enjoy yourself if you hate it as much as I did. For those that like the film, I don't know, I really don't know. I can see the merit from a visual standpoint, it's beautiful, it's probably the prettiest looking Star Wars film yet, full stop. Clothing, the sets, the music, everything objectively is good. It looks really nice, it sounds really great, the scale is immense. I just hated the story, okay? I hate the story. It's a slow moving space chase where for some reason these things run out of fuel and the smaller ships can't catch up. None of it makes sense and I understand it's a space opera, it's a sci-fi like dramedy of sorts, it's not supposed to be super intense and serious, but it kind of takes itself that way for the most part, doesn't it? So I expect them to think through things a little bit stronger than they have. Snoke is ultimately completely useless, just an absolute joke of a character. We all thought it was gonna end up being Kylo versus Rey, no surprises at all. Ryan Johnson does this whole subverting expectations, but he doesn't at the same time. The only expectations subverted are things that we just assumed would be enjoyable being terrible, like Luke Skywalker becoming an old cromudgity hermit who dies on a rock alone after doing some dumb ass force trick that allows the rebels to get away 10 seconds earlier. Like great, I'm sure glad we spent 30 plus years looking for your old ass so that you could do that one little magic trick and poof out of existence. Leia's flying through space, punching asteroids, flying into the ship, I guess she doesn't punch any asteroids, but in my mind she does. In my head cannon, she's flying all around the galaxy just like vroom, vroom, taking people out. Why not? She apparently has the ability, use it sister! Finn's borderline, Jar Jar Bing's levels of embarrassment, he and Rose Tico gallivant around a stupid casino planet for a side trip that does absolutely nothing for the main plot. I hate this film. I hate that it took everything, JJ set up so simply for them and threw it all away, did its own thing, and then we're left with just a shit show of a trilogy that makes no sense. And it ruins previous characters. Great, good job Disney, thank you. I'm moving on. Why aren't the sequel trilogies down here, Adam, since you put the last Jedi in or shouldn't the other sequel ones be on here? No, because even though those movies aren't good anymore because Forrest Awakens was basically rendered mute thanks to the shitness of the last Jedi, that doesn't make the prequels any better. That's one of the things I will never comprehend in the comments. Did you know that the sequel trilogy can be a huge disappointment and the prequel trilogy can still suck as much as it did? One doesn't become better because the other one's bad. It still continues to suck. And I haven't changed my opinions on that, I'm sorry. I apologize. I know there's a lot of prequel people that either grew up with it because they were kids or jumped on the train because of the memes, and that's great. I'm glad you find enjoyment out of them. I wish I could, but I don't. I did a video not too long ago about my great experience going to episode 1 in theaters. I waited 8 hours, 8 plus hours to see this thing, left the movie scratching my head wondering what the hell was that, but still looking fondly on the experience because it was a blast just sharing in that moment in time and history after so long of waiting for a new film. So I still have good memories, but that doesn't mean the film itself is good. Just because there's an entire set of off-shot things like the Clone Wars series and some of the other animated stuff they've done in books, and other more competently written content doesn't mean the original shit's good now. No! No! I'm judging the value of those three movies. And the naysayers to me will say, but Adam, it's a complete story. It makes sense from 1, 2, 3, not like the crappy sequels. I understand, but I hate the story! If you like the prequels, that's fine. But if your first defense is to tear down the sequels, that's not a justification. That's nothing. Alright, well we have Anakin now much older, played by Hayden Christensen, no more of the little kid shit going on from the first movie that does absolutely nothing for the plot at all, other than saying he knows how to build a pod racer and apparently C-3PO. What did that do? What does that do for the original trilogy? Oh, there's C-3PO! Luke built him at one point, doesn't remember him. Good. The whole prequel trilogy has this really weird shininess to it that George Lucas was infusing. You know, it's got the state-of-the-art CG that hasn't aged well at all. A lot of the shots feature people walking in place in front of a green screen with lifeless backgrounds. So uninteresting to look at when these guys aren't interacting with anything real. At one point, a pear gets grabbed and eaten off of a fork. Awful, just awful. Unless that's in the third one. I get these movies confused because I just don't like them. We have that iconic moment where Yoda gets his lightsaber, starts flipping around, like a muppet on steroids. He's fighting Count Dooku or Count Chocula or whatever his name is. Listen, actor's great. Freaking Saramans in this. He's awesome, but the dude's old. He can't move. So the shots are just like him, like, huh, huh. And then Yoda's like, it's like a Benny Hill song playing in the background. Highlight of the film is obviously my girl Padme getting her torso shirt area ripped off so she has like a crop top, the belly showing. That's good stuff. Lucas knew what he was doing there. How embarrassing. Absolutely. What a perv too, huh? First, he throws Leia in that skimpy bikini and then he's like, I gotta get Portman in something, something good. Let's put in some tight-ass white pants. Get that midriff going. I respect the game, Lucas. I respect the game, you son of a bitch. Is Attack of the Clones one where Hayden slaughters the sand people? And that, like the mom and the kids and everything? This is a guy, by the way, that I see people online defending when he's Darth Vader at the end, like Anakin's the real hero. He's the one that brings balance to the force. Anakin's a piece of shit. He's a garbage person. Just because he kills the emperor in the final moments of his life doesn't make him a good dude or a hero in the slightest. He has killed billions of people. He slaughtered children. Younglings. This guy's a piece of absolute dog shit. And you defend him? How dare you? Just really yelling at my audience today, I apologize. I got some soul searching to do. You know, Jingo Fett's in this, the son of Boba Fett. That's a thing that's happening. We have to prop up Boba Fett because he's such a cool character even though he sucks. People say he's cool, but he's never been cool in my mind, have you? He's just a total bitch in the originals. Somehow he was propped up as this awesome character. I'll never buy it. Captain Phasma was the most accurate representation of Boba Fett ever, because they're both complete jokes. The Phantom Menace. I'll never forget seeing it in theaters and wondering what the hell I just watched. It had nothing of the original intact. The feeling was completely disjointed from that original trilogy. It was clear Lucas wanted to do something new. Maybe he should have done it with a different movie property. Started something new altogether because that's kind of what it felt like outside of Anakin becoming Darth Vader and Obi-Wan of course being in there as his mentor. There's really nothing tying this to the OG trilogy. It doesn't look like it, which is something the sequels knock out of the park. No matter how much you want to shit on them, they look like Star Wars. They look and feel like Star Wars. These films are so stale, so manufactured, so workshop-like. It just feels like a training simulation of how to make a new type of movie, and it doesn't work for me. Since it's the first though it does have the most practical effects and that can be seen in one of the most epic moments in the entire prequel trilogy, which is of course Darth Maul and that that lightsaber battle duel of fates. Still one of my favorite lightsaber scenes and there's obviously debates about how those fights should be. If they should be more, you know, brutal and intense and impassioned or if they should be more showbody, more acrobatic, more, um, I guess flamboyant. It's Star Wars. We're in space with laser swords. I mean, come on! Who gives a shit what the practicality is between it? You have a duel lightsaber? You're whipping around, flipping over your head? Yeah! God yeah! Absolutely! Then we have Jar Jar Binks, of course, to ruin everything good in this world and this is interesting. I saw a comment, I believe it was on one of my previous videos, talking about my Star Wars experience, who said, man, if we would have known today what we knew then, the actor who played Jar Jar would be in a much better place. He wouldn't have been, you know, bullied and be little to the point of suicidal. What world are you living in? We now openly attack people to their faces. Have you been on Twitter? Bruh? Have you been on Facebook? But as far as CG goes, Jar Jar was the first of his kind, fully rendered in front of actors, engaging with them, dodging trees. It's a well done performance from both acting and special effects points of view. It was just very kid-ish. It was very Who Framed Roger Rabbit-ish. You put that with the very slow pace of the film, outside of a cool pod racing section that led to some fun video games and it itself is a very awesome sequence to behold. There's just not a lot of life in this. It's very dead. There's no celebratory feeling in the prequel franchise. It's all just very stale. They don't work for me. Let's move on. I'm feeling like a star. You can't stop me, Sean. I'm running in the town. I'm solo. I'm riding solo. I'm riding solo. I'm riding solo. Solo. Han Solo. The movie that exactly zero people wanted. Who asked for this film? I genuinely want to know. Outside of the executives at Disney that said, you know what? People like that solo character. I bet we can make a whole movie off of him. People will go to it. They have these super computers processing and you just put a name in. Computing. Working. Datifying. And then it does a print out. We can make money off of this. I'm not so sure they did on solo thanks to all the reshoots and the marketing expenses, but I also really, it's no concern to me whether or not Disney makes or loses money. At the end of the day, they're still fine. They're still fine. Now, I don't hate solo. This is where we're at the point on this list for me, that solo is a passable film. I could watch it. No problem. But I just ask myself why. Harrison Ford is Han Solo. There's certain roles that can't be replicated or they just come off as a try-hard or an emulation. And I just think it's kind of a slap in the face at the same time. This isn't a comic book character or anything. This is a character that one actor sculpted in a way that he saw fit. Harrison Ford just was just awesome as this guy. The cock sure self-congratulatory hero that begrudgingly does things sometimes because it's profitable, other times because he actually has a conscious. To not use Ford, but instead use a younger version, kind of a cosplayer of him, that does a decent impression, but not at the same time. I just, I don't get it. This was so shitty of them to do. And the movie itself, it's got enough action. It moves quick enough. Like I said, it's watchable. There's some fucking dumb things in here though. Like, who asked how we got his last name? Oh, you're by yourself? So you're Han alone? Han alone. That sounds like a home alone spinoff. Oh! Okay guys, we're coming in. You got cocky, kid. Donald Glover's the only saving grace of this thing is Lando. Again though, Billy D. Williams is Lando. So you're doing a great impression. But why? We learn Oh Han got his blaster. We learn why Chewbacca is called Chewy. We learn how he did the Kessel Run. It's just everything that had some interest, some intrigue, some mystique is gone. We have to tell you everything. I'm surprised we didn't find out how he ties his boots, how he puts his jacket on. We did learn about his dice though that for some reason in this new era of Star Wars is a thing now that I never thought was a thing before. But yeah, those dice, that's an important piece of Star Wars history. How can we forget that Darth Maul cameo at the end? It's so true. Just try harder. And he lights it up like pshhh. Remember? Remember this? It's cool. The Rise of Skywalker. What a gift, huh? The culmination of nine films all solidified into this shit show of a finale. Some of you might be asking, Adam, why is it in the middle of your list then? Shouldn't it be towards the end? Well, maybe. I just think it's kind of a watchable, fun time at the theater. I don't, I'm so far checked out from Star Wars now that if I have to put one of these on, I'm gonna put the one on that's relatively quick to watch, easy to digest, has a lot of sounds and effects going on. And I don't have to think about it, because if I thought about it, I would just cry myself to sleep. So stupid. It's so utterly dumb. The gang's all back. Finn's killing his fellow Stormtroopers while going, Woo! Yeah! He's back with his bro. They're having a good time. And so I'm having a good time. Emperor Palpy's back from the dead, risen, recloned or some dumb nonsense. It doesn't matter. It's Star Wars. Raise Evil for a second so that we can put it in the trailer. Means nothing for the film. Kylo and her have this cool force linkage thing going on. There's force healing going on. We're just throwing everything out in the kitchen sink. We get that awesome flashback with Leia that I liked. There's stuff here. Lots of stuff here. And it moves quick. None of it makes a lick of sense. You have to find a thing to get to another thing to get to a final thing. And a fleet army of palpatines is watching in the crowd. I don't know what they are. Are they manifestations of the emperor? Did he make just little versions of himself to watch himself like a god? Or are these actual loyalists that have just been hanging out in this planet that has seemingly no food or resources of any kind except for all of these ships that they built? I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out thinking about this movie. Yeah, so it's dumb. It's loud. It's popcorn flick. Star Wars, baby. This is where we're at now. That's how much I don't like any of these movies. That I'll just, I'll put this in the middle and not even think twice about the placement. Let's move on. I'll take my boneback prequel fan. That's right. I threw it to you. I gave you this. Revenge of the Sith. Some people put this in their top three. Some people put this as their favorite. No reason why you should do that. Absolutely no reason to have it that high. It's not good, but it's at least... I don't know. Why? It's still following the same horrible storyline of the past two movies. It's just done in a more edgy way, I guess. So that means it's better by default, but we still have miserable scenes in this film where Anakin kills the little kids. He's a hero. Remember? He's the good guy that he's the savior that saves the forest. Who cares? I'm so sick of people crying online that Rey isn't the one that was supposed to bring balance. It was Anakin. Anakin's absolute garbage, you guys. He's garbage. Horrible person. At least Rey was good. Who cares if she was perfect? Fuck. The reason Revenge of the Sith is higher on my list is because although the last two movies were atrocious, this one was a big step up. The saber battles were awesome. The space combat was really cool. The opening 20 minutes is pretty epic. It's good. She cuts the head off. Palpatine's like, yeah, yeah, you're in now. You're all in now. The final fight on that volcano planet. I don't know the names of these, you guys. I'm not that invested, believe it or not. Really cool stuff. The showbodiness with like going around the back doing stuff. We still have the dumb stuff. Padme dying of a broken heart. Not the best writing, especially when she's legitimately saying that Anakin's killing her. Like, she's literally saying what's happening. I'd be remiss if I didn't talk about the... But as far as the overall picture is concerned, I do like that dark tone. It does feel super large in scale. Lucas definitely got a lot more right this time than he did in the previous two. His skills became more pronounced when it comes to this new technology. He started to get a grasp of it better, I think. So there you have it. Revenge of the Sith. Who knew it could get so high on this list? So disappointing this whole saga has become. What an absolute waste this movie ended up becoming. This was Disney's attempt to reinvigorate a franchise to say, hey, you know what, original Star Wars fans? We got something cooking we think you're gonna like because it's basically a new Hope 2.0. This rubbed some people the wrong way, but for the most part, the vast majority of Star Wars fans were on board with this. They said, yes, this looks like the OG Star Wars. It sounds like it. It feels like it. We have some of the original characters back. Chewbacca's in there. Han Solo has a decent amount of screen time. Leia's in the mix with the promise of Luke. The Jedi care dangled for the future releases. Was it formulaic? Yeah. Was it very samey? Absolutely. But it got the job done. It got people fired up for a new generation of Star Wars films. At least most. The film is beautifully shot. We have great new characters. Rey, Finn, Poe. Finn was the most promising of the bunch because he was something new. A Stormtrooper who has abandoned his post. He's decided, you know what? I'm not following for this brainwashing bullshit. I'm bouncing with this guy here. Some also saw the potential that he could maybe be force sensitive as he's wielding that lightsaber at the end of the movie. I never really thought that was the case. But still, there was so much we could have used Finn for. Especially if we did flashbacks to how he was pulled away from his family and his loved ones and assimilated into this program. This horrific scene. We never really see what the Empire does to these people behind the scenes. It's always just, Empire's bad. They're gonna take over this planet. Wash friends repeat. That's what Finn could have provided. But we don't even get one goddamn conversation with the guy about what he went through, what he experienced. We had two more movies to do that and they squander it. The Force Awakens moved down a spot for me because the film is almost entirely useless at this point. Unless of course you like the movies that follow. I don't know many that like both The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker. It's like you like one or the other or you don't like both. For me it's The Last Jedi miserable and Rise of Skywalker is just a stupid stupid film. It's just truly sad because what we have here is a trilogy that's competently built. You know like all the things that you look for in a movie are well done. You know the visuals, the audio, all that stuff. But the story was so bad that even the prequels I can look back on and say well at least there is a like a cohesive story from beginning to end. At least the trilogy makes sense and adds up. I don't like it but I will respect that it you know it doesn't take respect though to look at a trilogy and say hey good job making a beginning, middle, and end. That shouldn't be the bar. That's the bare bones we should ask for. It shouldn't even be something we need to ask for. As far as Force Awakens go I really did like this movie when it hit theaters. I even enjoyed it when I bought it and brought it home, watched with the family. It wasn't until those later movies came out that just soured me on the whole thing. And I see how just superficial it all really is at the end of the day. It's in this higher position for two reasons. One, I do like these characters in this film. I think they were really well handled. Two, I don't want to watch any of the movies below this any more than this one so by that standard like if I'm choosing between solo or this I'm popping this in. If I'm choosing between the prequels or this I'm putting this in still. It's not really up to choosing between the two though I just watch a different movie all together. Star Wars Rogue One is the only film on this list that's gotten better over time for me. Initially upon seeing it I liked it. I wouldn't say I loved it. I watched it a few years later, got a newfound respect for it. You have a ragtag crew of misfits running around the galaxy trying to get these plans to Leia to essentially save the entire galaxy so the stakes are still there of course. It's just that a lot of the characters reminded me of The Hobbit where I don't remember any of their names and I like The Hobbit movies. I really enjoy them but I don't remember almost any of them. It had a sassy robot that one of the characters doesn't fall in love with and end up being part of the Millennium Falcon which is nice. It's another solo callback. This is a slow burn Star Wars film. It's one of the slower of the picture It takes its time building up these characters, building up this storyline to a final act that is just awesome. It's like an hour of non-stop action going on trying to get these plans to safety while they're being attacked on the planet. I mean it's good. It's beautiful too. This is easily one of the better looking Star Wars films right below last Jedi. I go back and forth on them. They both have their pros and cons. Actually you know what? I'd say this is maybe better because it doesn't have that whole ugly casino planet stuff that looks like it was thrown in later by a different company. This has a more cohesive look from beginning to end. We can't forget that hallway sequence either. As fan-servy as it was I loved it. Everyone's been waiting for a badass Darth Vader scene in the new generation. We hear stories about him. The legend who slaughters people by the masses but we finally get to see him Frankenstein it out down the hallway. Well Frankenstein's monster. I gotta be accurate but he kills a lot of people in a short amount of time. It's kind of freaky looking. He's like throwing dudes. One of the guys is like huh and just absolutely decimates all of them. It's great and then it leads nicely into a new hope. Seamlessly mind you as we see a very CG looking Princess Leia at the end. Why? Why did they think that CG was so good? God. Freakin' Tarkin looks like a Pixar character. He looks like a guy from Up. Keep him in the shadows. It's not that good you guys and it's gonna date so poorly in that aspect. All right let's get to the extremely predictable top three on the list. If the first half of Return of the Jedi kept that momentum going all the way through this could have been a contender for the number one spot. As it stands though after the prison break getting Han Solo to freedom the movie slows down to a snail's pace. We're introduced to the new cute furry little creatures the Ewoks which I love. I love those murderous little gizmos that run around slaughtering but it takes on a silliness halfway through. It's got cool stuff don't get me wrong the speeder chase is awesome through the forest we have the amazing final act where you know Darth Vader America's hero of course to some sacrifices his life to kill the emperor save the day for his son who he his son Luke you know the guy that dies on a rock alone because he's an asshole he was once good and he convinced his dad to be good as well he saw the good in him the same guy who later tries to kill his nephew because he doesn't see the good in him when when his nephew did far less bad things in fact I don't know if he did any bad things yet it's very consistent character good job good job guys gotta move on it also sucked that George Lucas felt the need to retell a new hope again with the Death Star he's like what's better though how do I top a Death Star and he just really worked his brain for an afternoon he's like no fuck it I can't we'll do another Death Star we got Princess Leia in that cosplay that will never get old today thank you thank you everyone involved in that decision Luke you you horn dog you as a whole though it was a very good ending to an awesome trilogy it's the reason why people consider the original trilogy still one of the best around and I can't fault him for that this is the one that started it all isn't it the reason why people have millions of dollars with the action figures in their basement and have transformed their lives to wrap around the molding of Star Wars it's why new generations of kids dress up for Halloween it's why decade after decade nerds go online to argue with each other about which one is the best a new hope was revolutionary it was amazing but how does it hold up today well not great if you put this side by side with my worst last the characters are so much more compelling in a new hope Mark Hamill is Luke Skywalker a little ranch hand out on a spice farm in the middle of nowhere it's a spice farm I think it is yeah I don't know whatever it is they they have they have blue milk and stuff there one day stumbles upon a couple of droids who have a message from a princess and he's the only hope well Obi-Wan's the only hope but it turns out Luke is in fact the real only hope as he is a Jedi in training such a cool concept of the young nothing rising up to take on the empire and eventually his father in the end the introduction to the lightsaber revolutionary it would go on to be mimicked and cloned and redone online in films time and time again and that John Williams score dear gods what is that thing so powerful so beautiful so perfect so while this movie has aged worse than day old blue milk it still has that spirit that lightning in a bottle that's so hard to recapture even with all the tech and all the talent in the world how can you compete with a couple of no-name actors that were drunk or high off their ass most of the days of shooting a stage actor who had zero shits to give about the film and didn't like it and a director who had a vision and was steadfast and headstrong to get it done against all odds at Star Wars a new hope baby the empire strikes back again what is there to say about a film that's been praised up and down the block i'm certainly not the one to eloquently give it the props it deserves over the countless scholars over the years that have looked back on this film and studied it and said you know what this is what we need to compare greatness to and it's been said time and time again this lord of the rings movie is the empire strikes back at the franchise this harry potter film is the empire of the franchise we go to empire as the definition of doing a sequel right as hitting the crescendo the chef's kiss of a film the stakes are so high in this movie everything is taken up about 10 notches we learn the deep dark secret that luke is in fact the son of the evil sith lord himself darth vader we see all these beautiful unique planets from the icy tundra of hoth to the lush rain forest of yoda planet i forget the name of that one too i could look it up but you know what i'm talking about called cities in this too we get betrayal we get the introduction to lando oh man this movie oh this movie so freaking good yoda i mentioned him why am i not talking about him the puppeteer work is out of this world the lightsaber battles are so much better even the final one against his father rivals that of anything in the whole franchise yes still dated by today's standards but because of how it's filmed because of the good choreography because of the drama of it all it works it's also one of the rare occasions when a franchise ends on such a like a sour note it's it's not complete we have a hero who's lost a hand who's learned that is his dad is just absolute trash or a hero depending on of course prequel fans in my mind there's nothing bad to say about empire it is it's the reason we continue to turn to it so yeah that's that's it that's the whole game right there folks this is going to be a long one i'm sure the editing will be just terrific on it i want to thank you for sitting through if you made it this far i'd love to hear your list in the comments i'd love to hear your reasons why and how i'm so wrong and just just a complete waste of a life and how i should kill myself for my decisions made on star wars like the video if you had a good time please subscribe if you haven't i'd love to have you stick around i put out videos almost daily and uh thank you very much for watching hey the force be with you i ended the last video like that too but we're doing it again it's it's it's it is what it is oh my god you're still here okay i wasn't expecting that but i'll keep going you can find me on patreon at patreon.com slash adam does movies or you can join me right here on youtube hitting that join button and show your support i love doing this i wish i could do it for a living but i have a full-time job believe it or not this is a a side gig and a hobby i've passionately been doing for a decade now so if you just showed me some support over there or here and say adam you know what you're worth a dollar you're worth five dollars a month it would mean a great deal to me and i'd really appreciate you for it thank you