 The Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield. Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Today is quite an important day in the lives of Phil and Alice. They are about to sign a contract with a new sponsor. Right now, they're in the office of Mr. Phillips of the RCA Victor Company, discussing terms. And I know, Mr. Harris, that you people will be very happy working for RCA. Well, I'm sure we will. I don't know of a finer sponsor or a better product. And I assure you, sir, that from now on, Alice and I will trade in no other drug store but an RCA. Phil, that was last year. This is RCA. Oh, of course, yes, RCA. And a finer outfit never existed. Splendid work you people did during the war. Why, it's a known fact that England would have been invaded if it hadn't been for the brave men of the RCA. That is RAF. For the last time, our company is the Radio Corporation of America. Now, let's get back to discussing the contract. Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, look, about the money, Mr. Phillips, my salary is $5,000 a week. Shall we settle for that, or do you want to bargain a little? Let's bargain. I'll tell you what, you come down a little, and I'll come down a little. You make an offer, and I'll make an offer. Oh, that's dandy. Now, I'm worth $5,000, but I'm willing to take a little less. So I'll cut it in half, $2,500. Well, if you're nice enough to cut it in half, I'll do the same thing. I'll give you $1,250. You expect me to work for that kind of dough? I'm a big man. I don't think so. Down longer. Mr. Phillips will accept your offer. Good. I'll have the contracts drawn up and send them over for you to sign tomorrow. Oh, by the way, when you get the contract, there'll be one additional clause that we haven't discussed, but it won't affect you. What clause? The Morals Clause. In this case known as the No Remly Clause. Hereafter referred to as the We Don't Want No Part of Remly Dead or Alive Amendment. Mr. Phillips, you mean this contract says that Remly will be out of the show? But why? Because I'm not a well man. And I can't take a chance with him. Well, you know what happened to the last two sponsors who hired Remly? No, what? They're visiting hours between three and five. Well, they were just super sensitive. They don't know the secret of getting along with Remly. He's been with me constantly for 18 years, and he doesn't bother me at all. 18 years? How can you stand having them around you all the time? I take shots. Look, Mr. Phillips, we can't sign a contract that doesn't include frankings. I'm sorry, we want you very much, but we can't have Remly. You have until tomorrow morning to think it over. All right, Mr. Phillips. We'll go home and discuss it and let you know. Oh, Alice, I don't know what to do. I can't take a job without frankings. I know how you feel, Phil, but you haven't earned a penny in four months. And people are starting to talk. You know there's a rumor going around that you can't get a job? Don't be silly. Who'd start a rumor like that? Good morning, Philip. And how is my unemployed brother-in-law? Oh, so you're the one, huh, Willie? Well, it might interest you to know that a guy offered me a job today. Well, for goodness' sakes, take it before the sucker comes to his senses tomorrow. You know, Philip, the neighbors are starting to talk. They think your destitute and your children are suffering. What do you mean suffering? The way you talk, you think my kids were starving or something. Hello, Daddy. Hi, Dad. Oh, hello, girls. I just, wait a minute. What are you kids dressed up like that for? Phyllis, why are you wearing those rags? It makes it easier for me to sell my apples. What apples? The ones I'm peddling outside the brown derby. Well, what are you doing that for? I'm trying to help you out, Daddy. Uncle Willie said you'd probably never get another job again. Oh, no. And out in front of the brown derby. What'll I say to all of my friends? Baby Alice, don't tell me that you're selling apples, too. Oh, no, Daddy. Well, thank goodness. I have a hot dog stand in front of NBC. This is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. My poor little baby's selling apples and hot dogs on street corners. Baby Alice, you're not going back to that hot dog stand. But, Daddy, it's a good business. I started at 9 o'clock this morning and I took in $28 already. I don't care how much you took. $28? If she started at 6 tomorrow and then got that breakfast trade, she might wind up. I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. I'm just, things are in such a state. I'm just, look, girls, you kids don't have to work. I've got a job. I'm signing the contract tomorrow. You mean you're going to take it, Phil? Of course I'm going to take it. I'm not going to let my kids work for me. I'm running this family, so you people listen to me. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching a sermon. But I've heard people say the early bird catches the worm, and there's a lot of good logic in that old cliché. There's certain obligations you just can't shirk. You've got to put that heat on to make the kettle perk. And if you want it to be a good day, you've got to do a good day's work. You've got to dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Nothing's what you get for free. You've got to dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Never was a money tree. And for the more my friends, I must repeat. Nobody's living down on Easy Street. And if you want to owe for groceries, you're going to get an awful lot of no-series. You've got to dig, dig, dig for a dollar, taint as simple as you think. You can't purline a sirloin, or the butcher will put you in the clink. You just can't be a lazy bird. You've got to get off of your twig. So you can afford your room when you're bored. And it's nice to have the price of a sig. You've got to pay the Hitler man if you want to do a jig. You've got to be as busy as a bee, to be a Mr. B.I.G. And if you want some dig, dig, dig for the tea, you've got to dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. You just can't be that lazy bird. You've got to get off of the twig. So you can afford your room when you're bored. And it's nice to have the price of a sig. You've got to pay the Hitler man if you want to do a jig. You've got to be as busy as a bee, to be a Mr. B.I.G. And if you want some dig, dig, dig for the tea, you've got to dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Right? Frankie, I'll never be able to look in these little blood shot eyes. Why worry about Frankie? You haven't seen him all summer. He hasn't been near you since there's no money coming in. I know, honey, but there must. Uh-oh, there's the bell. I'll get it. It's still a tough thing to have to tell a guy. Hiya, Curly. Frankie! It's good to see you, kid. Never mind that. You got my first week's check, may not yet? Checks, money, checks. Look, Frankie, I've got a tough decision to make, and it's enough to drive me to drink. You need a chauffeur? Frankie, please. I'm familiar with the road. Look, Remly. I could drive it blind. You often do. Look, this is no time for jokes. I got a sponsor problem. Curly, you ain't got no problem? That's what I came to see you about. I've been working on it all summer, and I got five sponsors lined up for you. You got five sponsors lined up? Sure. Every one of them is a fine old established firm. Yeah? Who are they? Well, one is Joe's pool room and babysitting service. A shrewd merger. Then there's the Santa Anita Winter Book and Hot Wires service. They're dying to get you. Look, Clyde. The third one sounds best to me. It's a new big food outfit. They package imported delicacies. Wow. Sounds better. What kind of stuff do they have? Their biggest item is frozen camel food. Frozen camel food. And that's just one of their items. They also handle canned whale blubber. And they have an exclusive on marinated moose meat. I imagine there's a big demand for that kind of stuff. Well, not yet, but we'll create it. We'll circulate a rumor that the stuff is scarce, and people will start hoarding it. Oh, really, I don't think any of them will be a big seller. Why not? Well, most housewives put that stuff up themselves. I know my mother used to have a pantry full of marinated moose meat. Well, maybe your mother did, but I don't think. Shut up! Remly already got a sponsor. The only thing is, well, look, they're willing to sign Alice and me, but they don't want you. They don't want me? Sorry, Frankie. Are you going to take it without me? I have to, Frankie. I have a family. I got to think of them. Why? Well, I wish you wouldn't ask me such tough questions. Frankie, look, if you don't want me to, I won't take the job. Just say the word. No. I don't want to stand in your way. You and Alice take it and go on to greater heights. Oh, I can't do it, Remly. What'll happen to you? How'd you get along? I'll just have to exist by chiseling a dime here, a nickel there, bumming my meals wherever I can. When I want to smoke, I'll just pick a cigarette butt out of the gutter. Oh. Well, as long as you don't have to change your way, you live an OK life. I'll sign with RCA in the morning. No, Curly, before you do, I've got two sponsors left. One of them's a big manufacturer, and he's willing to pay you and Alice $5,000 a week each. $5,000 each? That's right. He has a big plant downtown, and he wants me to bring you and Alice down to see them. Well, gee, where does the fire start? $5,000, huh? Each? Well, if it means a job for you, I guess I won't do any harm to talk to him. OK, I'll get Alice. We'll be down to see your man, huh? Hey, here's the address my friend gave me. Just follow me. Beautiful building, ain't it? But why do we have to go through the cellar? Well, that's what he told me to do. You know how these eccentric millionaires are? Yeah. Shall I ring the bell? No, no, don't touch the bell. Guy told me to knock. Excuse me. Frankie, what is this woody woodpecker routine? Oh, that's what he told me to do. Who's out there? It's me, Frank Remley. I'm the guy who met at the bar last night. Oh, yeah, of course. Just a minute. I'll open a door for you as soon as I slip the phone. The door's open, Curly. Come on in. Oh, let's wait until he lowers the drawbridge. Did you bring the meat for the sharks? Don't stand up there, Yefin. Come on in, son. Don't stand up there, Yefin. Come on in, son. Bolt's on the door. Well, that's just a precaution. In my business, you've got to be careful of prowlers. Afraid of burglars, huh? No, cops. Cops, I've heard of it. Don't get excited. This is a legitimate business. Of course. Well, Mr. Grogan, we came to see about the radio show you're going to sponsor. This is Phil Harris and Alice Faye. What do you think of them? Well, I don't know. The babe looks all right, but the guy looks like a stool pigeon. Well, I'll take a chance. You two go on the air for my product, and I will pay you $5,000 a week each. Well, I'll make it $10,000. That's $20,000 a week. That's a lot of money. I never heard of you. How do I know you can afford to pay us $20,000? Are you kidding? I got a big factory. I got a product as a demand for a wife for years. I've been making nothing but money. What do you manufacture? Money. Great to meet you, Curly. I can hear the program now. The counterfeit hour starring Phil Harris. Folks, have you tried our new product, the $3 bill? It comes in five attractive colors. We ain't going on no air plug and no hot money. And I want you to plug it, stupid. All you got to do is put on your show from a different city each week and no advertising. Well, if you don't want no advertising, then why are you going to pay us $20,000 a week? I need somebody to pass this stuff, don't I? What's the trouble with you, actors? You ain't got no business heads. Mr. Grogan, don't you realize what you're doing is against the law? What would your mother say if she knew you were printing money? I don't know. Alaska. Hey, Mom, get off the press and come here a minute. No, let's get out of here. Come on, kid, let's go home. Get out of here. Get out of here. Frankie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself taking us to a man like Grogan. So I made one little mistake. But don't you worry, I got one more sponsor left. He's very legitimate, and he's coming over here at 3 o'clock. Forget your sponsor. We're going on for RCA, and that's final. But Alice. In fact, I have my song ready for our first show. Do you want to hear it? No. Nobody asked you. I'm the guy, though he grieves me and he leaves me high and dry. He breaks dates and I'm left alone. Then I say that he's on his own. But when he calls, I break my neck to get the phone, because I love the guy of the land. So in love with him, she's always lies and alifies this drive me man. We go out and he doesn't dress. I get angry, but I'll confess. He's mine, and I don't really care if he's a mess, because I love the guy. But dope, I adore him, although for him there's no hope. Other men may have better looks, make more money and read more books. But only he could eat the things that this girl cooks. So I love the guy of that boy. When he kisses, then this miss is filled with joy. Famous man may admire me. Millionaires may desire me. But I belong to him, and he belongs to me. Yes, I. Over and you know, I owe it to Frankie to talk to this guy who wants to sponsor us. Now please, Phil, don't do it. Don't even give it up to you. Well, it might be a big deal in it, and we'd miss... Uh-oh, there's the phone. I'll get it. Excuse me. I'll go with you, Curly. That might be my sponsor. Phil, if it is, tell him not to bother coming over. Oh, I hope he isn't talking to anything on account of Frankie. My name is Fay, I'm from the grocery store. Julius? I use the loaner's that currently headed bull weevil still with you. Julius, I don't want you to talk that way about Mr. Harris. Why not? Because he's my husband. I refuse to acknowledge the union. I refuse to acknowledge this thing. That's beside the point. Oh, I mean... I'm all upset about Mr. Remley. He's bringing over one of his broken-down sponsors at three o'clock, and... Well, I'm afraid Mr. Harris might sign with him. I can't let that happen to you. Alice, Alice, come here quick. I've got great news for you. I'll be right there. Excuse me, Julius. Sure. Oh, that poor little girl. She ain't got no one to toine to but me. And it's my job to see that sponsor don't sign Mr. Harris. Let's see now. Yeah. All I gotta do is sully his reputation and make him look like a no-good rat. A simple assignment. If the sponsor thought I was Harris's juvenile delinquent son... But I'll be back at three o'clock. This ought to take care of every... Great news for you. The most wonderful thing just happened, Alice. That was Mr. Phillips that just called. He reconsidered, and RCA is gonna sign us with Frankie. Oh, that's wonderful. Hey, Phillips said that he'd be here right sharp at three o'clock. We won't be able to see him. That's when my sponsor's coming over. Tell your sponsor to drop dead. We're signing with RCA at three o'clock. Yeah. Gee, it was nice of you to change your mind and decide to hire Frankie, Mr. Phillips. What made you do it? I like to live dangerously. I hope I don't have trouble with him. Don't you worry about Remly, Mr. Phillips. He promised he'd keep his big, fat mouth closed and his red nose out of your business. Didn't you, Franklin? No. Quiet. Now, look, just give me the contract, Mr. Phillips, and I'll sign it. Ha! There you are, and spelt correct. Now, you sign, Mr. Phillips. Ah, gladly. But before I do, I want you to know we feel very fortunate in obtaining the services of you and Mrs. Harris. Yeah, yeah. Our company has to be very careful about the type of person who represents our product. I stand for you. And you people certainly exemplify the typical half-ally married couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're perfect. Get your name down. Now, come on. Here's the pen. Just sign the... Daddy! Daddy! Quick! Julius, let go of my arm. Who are you calling daddy? You, Pop, and your... What are you talking about? This was in the hatchery piece. It wasn't half-war. Pop framed it. The pockets all they did was pedal hot dogs and apples. Mr. Harris, I think you have a little explaining to do. Look, my kids ain't pickpockets. Frankie, tell him my girls ain't pickpockets. They never histed nothing from me. Of course, I don't let myself fall asleep when they're around. Frankie, will you please... I had a bell put on my wallet. Now, cut that out! Guys, Mr. Phillips, will you listen to me? This Julius, this kid ain't my son. Oh, Daddy, how could you? Are you really his son? Can't you tell? Look at his side by side. Can't you see how much... Oh, I hadn't noticed. Say, there is a remarkable resemblance. Same sloping forehead, same close set eyes, same recede... Wait a minute, Mr. Phillips, just a minute. You can't come in here and tell me that I look like that little mongoose. I'm not going to take you as a twist, you're all... Stop! Control yourself! Control yourself! I look like you I deserve to check. I don't know what you're trying to do, but I'm going to break every bone in your body. What? I've heard enough. Harris, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to have a man with your violent temper in our radio show. Good day! I better go with you. But look, Mr. Phillips, I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was saying. I apologize. I... Well, there goes our sponsor. Yeah, thanks to that Julius, we're out of a job. Hey, that must be Mr. Phillips coming back. Come in! Hey, this is the sponsor I've been expecting. Hi, Frank! Must be the crew cute trick that you've been telling me about. That's right, just call me Curly. I'm talking to the Danes. Hey, Blondie, you're just what I'm looking for. Now, if you and your straight man will sign here, I'll pay you $1,500 a week. $1,500? Hey, we'll be glad to. We were just getting... Hey, wait a minute. What's your product? What do I have to sell? Hot furs or sawed-off shotguns? I don't be crude. You'll be selling milk chocolate. Milk chocolate? Hey, that's a wonderful product. Okay, give me the pen and I'll sign for Alice and me. Phil, I don't think we ought to rush into this. Now, you won't regret this mistake. Your first show is Monday night and you're gonna get top billing. Oh, that sounds wonderful. It is. It is wonderful. I can't you just see the billboard so all over town. Hey, we were selling milk chocolate. You are. You walk up and down the aisle, yelling, get your sweet telephone. This is Phil again. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen and all of you nice kids out there for listening to our first program. And Alice and I and our whole gang feel happy to be back starting this new season and we sincerely hope that you'll be with us each and every Sunday at the same time. And by the way, this coming week is a really big week on NBC. Bob Hope returns to his new season this Tuesday and on Wednesday, Groucho Marx brings his show You Bet Your Life to NBC and on Friday, the life of Riley returned starring Willem Bendix as Riley. Watch for them all. Good night and thanks again for listening. Good night, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, only freedom and truth can inspire the subjugated peoples of Europe with hope and determination. Recognizing this, the Crusade for Freedom has been endorsed by the White House and State Department. Its purpose, to show the world just what America stands for and to bring support to the private radio station known as Radio Free Europe. To join the Crusade, it's necessary only to sign the Pledge of Freedom in your hometown. Let your name become a symbol of freedom. Help fight lies by giving to the Crusade for Freedom. This program is produced and directed by Paul Phillips, included in today's cast for Dick Lane, Sheldon Leonard and Joseph Kern. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliot Lewis and Julius was played by Walter Tetley. And remember, three times means good times. Stay tuned for Groucho Comes Abored on NBC.