 In 1998, America took its first stab at Godzilla. It was big, it was loud, it was dumb, it was over long, it had unlikable characters, and it was an all-around disaster in the worst way possible. And yet, I think I would rather go back and watch that than the Godzilla minus one film I just left. Now I know, I know starting them on such a disgusting tone is sure to put a few people off and they're gonna say, I don't need to listen to another word this jerk has to say, that's fine, you can leave if you're thin skinned. Or you can stick around, subscribe to the channel. I post tons of honest movie reviews, criticisms, fun roasts, things of that nature. Every single week, multiple times, would love to have you stick around. If you're listening on a podcast version, that's fine too. Spotify, Apple, podcast, all that stuff. Let's get into it though. This is gonna be spoiler free, and I just want to say, I want to get it all out there, okay? I'm not gonna pretend to be some hardcore Godzilla fan. I'm a movie fan. I like watching movies. I did not grow up on Godzilla. I've only seen bits and pieces of the OG stuff. I saw one of the movies not that long ago for a different channel, Hack the Movies, which is great. That was for a podcast on Godzilla, and it was the worst Godzilla movie. It was the one with the superhero dude who looks like a power ranger. That'll be enough for some of you to understand. And for the rest of you, you're in the same boat as me, obviously. You're not that familiar. I've seen the American versions. They range from pretty cool to downright awful. And then we have this new one that I was honestly really excited for, just a month back when I finally saw a trailer for the first time. I don't know where this thing was kept, how it was so secretive, but when those trailers dropped, I was really impressed. And I showed my kids, and they were super pumped for it. I am still thankful that I went by myself for the first time. I thought, you know what? I could take the kids out, pay like 50 or 60 bucks for us to see a single movie, which is freaking absurd what the prices are. And we'll probably have a decent time, or I could just go by myself, since I have a regal pass, so it's free basically. And if the movie's great, then I'll bring them out there and we'll go again. I'll see it twice if it's great. I saved a lot of money and a lot of personal heartache, because I couldn't sit through this movie again. It is a slog. And it's not some smart slog that has interesting likable characters building into a great crescendo. No! It's just bad. And let me explain why. This will be spoiler free. There's not going to be any giveaways here about Godzilla turning into Mothra or something crazy. That doesn't happen. But this movie is post-war Japan. We have a Kamikaze pilot who's down on his luck because he didn't, in fact, Kamikaze himself. You had one job, dude. You had one job. He chickens out right away when the movie starts up and he gets his first appearance of Godzilla, and it doesn't go over well. He's not thrilled about what he's seeing. As an aside, Kamikaze pilots, that's one of the few, I would say, professions you really can't fake, right? You walk into the house and the wife's like, hey, how was work today? It was okay. It wasn't bad. Oh, really? So you didn't get fired, huh? Because you're still here. So obviously, not great at your job. I mean, I don't think you can really fake that one. So yeah, he's kind of ashamed. He's discouraged. He's disappointed in himself. And this character, I have the name in front of me, and I'm still going to butcher it. Koichi Shikishima, I apologize to everyone, both English-speaking and Japanese-speaking, for what I just said. That is the main protagonist in some fashion of those letters being pronounced. English is barely a good language for me to speak. He is miserable. I don't like this character. He's constantly chips are down. He's constantly like making bad decisions or sometimes they're actually good decisions, but he thinks they're bad. It's just not a pleasant character to watch. And his arc is so cliche and predictable that it's just like, what are we doing here? This is the best we could conjure up. And now some people are saying, hey, Adam, what are you expecting, Citizen Kane? You know, the old cliched argument back that's lame and it's pointless. No, obviously I'm not expecting that. I'm expecting a big, cool ass movie with lots of destruction and maybe some stakes. What I have here is some decent destruction on occasion with some very top-notch special effects. I will say the CG in this movie is damn good. It looks great. And don't let my negativity get you down. If you want to see this movie, you can expect some really cool visuals. You can expect a pretty bad-ass design of Godzilla. Obviously hearkens back to the OG, but it's not a guy in a costume, which is nice. But I just, I can't see anyone really getting on board with the story or the characters. And the effects and the explosions are cool a little bit, but they're not there that long. And we've seen this a billion times, so it's not really holding much weight. There is one sequence that I think is pretty great. And that's when they're out on the ocean and they're kind of doing this Jaws-esque scenario where they're dropping bombs and they're trying to kill this sucker. And it's not going well, obviously. That part's great. It looks really cool. There's a couple underwater camera shots that I think are fantastic. And it gives you this kind of scary vibe. And I wish they would have actually gone with that. Instead of just a one-off camera shot from an ocean perspective, take me down there a little bit. Get me in the mindset of Godzilla. As it stands, Godzilla is just a one-dimensional creature that destroys stuff. And he walks to the next thing and blows it up. It's mindless. It has no agenda. It has no motive, which can be cool and scary, but there's no real build-up to him ever. He's just there. Like a guy's drinking a cup of coffee. He turns around. He's like, oh my God, Godzilla's right there. And Godzilla's like smoking a cig. Oh, hey. Yeah, I'll kill you now, I suppose, if I feel like it. Character choices in this movie and decisions range from the typical comically stupid to quite rational. That didn't bother me too much. It's just the pacing's really bad. And when you do finally build into a sequence that's going to be great, you've kind of exhausted all your excitement getting to it. And there isn't this awesome build into any final conflict that worked for me. There's no big rousing. They tried. They tried with the rousing speech. They tried to get you into that mood, but I just couldn't shift gears. I was already so checked out at that point. Music, obviously it's a range from the old stuff harkening back to the original again to a more modernized hit or two. Other supporting characters are serviceable. They're fine. They all look good. They play their part fine. The main lead though is just a sad sack and not one that grows in a direction that's really compelling, which is unfortunate. And there's a lot of downtime. There's a lot of war-torn hero stuff. There's a lot of baggage about the war and not so much about Godzilla. You're spending an awful amount of time on these characters that I don't give two shits about, which is a big downer. It's a big Debbie downer for me. I'm thinking about their positives. Nothing's really setting in. Obviously, since this is both a modern version of Godzilla and a tip of the hat throwback, we do have a marrying of effects and movements. It's most noticeable when Godzilla's walking around. He's very lumber-y, kind of almost silly at times as he's walking, but then he's doing badass power-up things where his blades are coming up. He shoots his gamma radiation and it sets off like a freaking nuclear explosion and it looks epic as shit. And then he just wanders off again. He's like, hey, I'm good. I'm going to leave. And if that's your cup of tea, that's your cup of tea and that's cool. That's good for you. The trailers really hyped me up, which is their job, but they presented a package that I just did not see on the screen. I felt a little bit lied to. I didn't know what the story was. I imagined it was going to be a little bit more interesting than it was. They had a decent idea. Okay. I kind of like the idea of a war-torn kamikaze pilot having to make amends with himself and to please those around them but fight his own internal war. That, on paper, that sounds really good, but how they played it off just did not jive with me. And maybe it will for you. I haven't seen any other reviews. I don't know the buzz for this movie going in. I might be completely off base with the majority of people. It's happened before. I just wanted to let you know what to expect because at the end of the day, that's how I'm trying to do reviews now. I give you my honest opinion, leaving the theater, and while I'm there, like, okay, I'm sitting down. I'm excited for this movie. The first act, the first 15 minutes, pretty cool, pretty bold. I like this direction. And then, bam, it hits a wall and it slows down. And then it slows down more. And then there's some weird editing choices where they fade away from shots and they cut things quickly. And then, okay, we're back into a somewhat decent action sequence, but then, boom, a wall again. And you're down for the count for a long time with these people that suck and this annoying little kid that's crying on them. There's nothing worse than listening to kids cry. And this kid cries a few times in the movie. It's like, shut up. Why am I listening to a kid cry when there's an awesome freaking lizard creature swimming around in the ocean? Also, this is probably a throwback. And since I'm ignorant on the originals, I find it funny that Godzilla can float. I think that's what's happening. The dude's in the middle of the ocean and he's chest deep. I know the guy's tall, but it looks like he's standing on a small like sandbar in the middle of the ocean. He's like, the water's up to his belly button. Sometimes it's up to his shins and he's in the middle of the freaking Pacific or Atlantic. I don't know where oceans are. I don't know what they're called. I'm ignorant. It's stupid. Subscribe. No, seriously though, it looks weird. So maybe Godzilla can float. Otherwise, it's just a really weird old school throwback. And I found it very jarring in the worst way possible. Okay, that's it. I don't need to say anything else. Otherwise, I'm going to ramble in a spoiled territory. And honestly, there's not much to spoil. You can see everything coming a mile away, but those are my thoughts. Let me know if you saw this movie. Please put a comment down if you're on YouTube. Please subscribe again if you haven't. Post tons of movie reviews. Movie roasts, live streams, twice a week. Just talking movies, loving the conversations. It's a good time. I'd love you to have me. I'd love for you to stick around. Well, I would love for you to have me into your life. Let me in. Just say, hey, Adam, why don't you open the door and come on and sit down? We'll talk movies together. What a weird way to end this thing. Okay, thanks for listening and watching. And hopefully I see you next time. Take care.