 Lux presents Hollywood, starring Clipton Webb and Lucille Ball in The Man Who Came to Dinner. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keely. Ladies and gentlemen, some time ago the famous team of George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart decided to write a comedy about a certain individual they called Sheridan Whiteside. So they began supposing. Suppose this eccentric character were to visit someone's home for dinner. And suppose he fell down the steps and, well, there you are, they had the so-called gimmick for their plot. The playborn that day, they named The Man Who Came to Dinner. It had a long run on Broadway, and later I had the pleasure of directing the screen success. In casting the part of Sheridan Whiteside, the problem is to find an actor who can at once be charming and detestable. In short, a genius like Clipton Webb, who played the part for two years on the stage. And co-starling with him is the vivacious young lady who has quite a flair for comedy herself, Miss Lucille Ball. When a man brings guests to dinner, the average housewife is sure to think of those extra dishes to wash. But with Lux Flakes as a permanent member of the household, well, it isn't quite so discouraging. Unexpected guests are far more popular when Lux does the work. And now here's the man who came to dinner, starring Clipton Webb as Sheridan Whiteside and Lucille Ball as Maggie. Two weeks ago, an event of international impact occurred in Missalia, Ohio. Sheridan Whiteside, celebrated critic, lecturer, radio orator, intimate friend of the great and near great, slipped on a piece of ice and fractured his hip. Result? The idol of the airwaves rests until further notice in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Stanley. Oh, isn't it wonderful, Ernest? At last he's coming out of his room in a wheelchair. It's about time he decided to see some member of this family. Oh, you can't blame the poor man for being cross with us, dear. You know, he just never goes to dinner anywhere, and then he finally agreed to come here, and this had to happen. Here's the canvas for Jenny who wanted Mrs. Stanley. Oh, thank you, Sarah. Just a little something to cheer him up, Ernest. You know who phoned this time, mother? George Bernard Shaw. And look, we're all over time magazine. Yes, dear. I saw it. Wendy, you're supposed he's going to leave here. Phone going like mad day and night, messenger boys running in and out. Pardon me, Mrs. Stanley. Oh, yes, Mrs. Cutler. You mean he's coming out? No, he is indeed. You may wheel our little patient out, Miss Preen. No, Mr. Fightside. I, uh, hope you're feeling better. I am suing you for $150,000. How's that? You're what? I said I am suing you for $150,000. Oh, dear, my calves foot jelly. Made from your own foot, no doubt. Mr. Stanley, since this village quack who calls himself Dr. Bradley, tells me that I should be confined in this moldy mortuary for at least another 10 days, due entirely to your stupidity and negligence. I shall require exclusive use of this living room, as well as that drafty sewer you call the library. I want no one to come in or out while I am in this room. Oh, but, Mr. Fightside, we have to go up the stairs to get to our room. Isn't there a back entrance? Well, yes, of course. Please use that. I shall also require room for my secretary here, Miss Cutler. I shall have a great many calls, so please do not use the telephone. I sleep until noon and require absolute quiet throughout the house until that hour. Now then, where's your cook? Mr. Fightside, if I may interrupt for just a moment. You may not, sir. And now, will you all leave quietly, please, or must I ask Miss Cutler to pass among you with a baseball bat? Now see here, Fightside. Please discuss, sir. Considering the damage I have suffered at your clammy hands, I am asking for very little, a good day. I'll call you from the office, Stacy. And not on this phone, please. Here is the luncheon menu, Mrs. Stanley. Oh, but I've already ordered lunch. It'll be sent to you on a tray. Miss Pring, get your fish off, books off my wheelchair. I happen to be a registered nurse, Mr. Fightside, and I... Go and read the Life of Clara Barton and learn how unfitted you are for your chosen profession. Mr. Fightside, shall I look in again this afternoon? If you do, Dr. Bradley, I shall spit right in your eye. Oh, what a sense of humor you writing fellows have. Oh, by the way, I... I've been doing a little writing myself. I just happened to have a copy with me. It's called Forty Years in Ohio Doctor. And I shall lose no time in reading it, if you know what I mean. Much obliged, Mr. Fightside. Now don't forget our little pills. Well, Sherry, I must say you've behaved with all your accustomed grace and charm. Listen, repulsive. I did not wish to cost this cheerless threshold. I was hounded and badgered into it. I now find myself, after two weeks of wracking pain, accused of being without charm. What would you have me do? Kiss them? You know, when I finally give up this job, I too may write a book. A cavalcade of insult or through the years with Prince Charming. Good morning! Oh, no. Stanley, Mr. Fightside. I saw this Harley framed green against the pine trees. It was the nicest... What was that? Mr. Stanley's sister. I've talked to her a few times. She's quite strange. Strange? She's right out of a hound of the Baskervilles. You know, I've seen that face before somewhere. No nonsense. You couldn't have. Oh, well. Maggie, take a telegram. This is Columbia Broadcasting. You may schedule my Christmas Eve broadcast from Stanley residents in Missalia as I shall be unable to proceed to Hollywood Stop. For special New Year's Eve broadcast, we'll have as my guests Yosha Heifetz, Catherine Cornel, Skapperere, The Lunts, and Albert Einstein, with Hailey Selassie on short way from Ethiopia. Oh, Fightside. Sherry, are you sure you'll be able to leave after Christmas? Of course I will. Send the cable to the Dalai Lama, Lassar, Tibet. Dear Boo Boo, the schedule unchanged. Can you meet me in Calcutta, July 12th, dinner 8.30, Fightside. Wire Arturo Toscanini. Accounting on you January 4th, Metropolitan Opera House, my annual benefit for paroled murderers. Will you have quiet supper with me and Ethel Barrymore afterwards, Fightside? Hello? Who? Mrs. Stanley is too drunk to talk. Well, what's this? A cable from that dear friend of yours, Lorraine Sheldon. Well, can't you read? Sherry, my poor sweet lamb, have been in Scotland on shooting party with Lord Bottomley and only just heard of your poor hip, sailing Wednesday, Queen Mehde. Cannot wait to see my poor sweet Sherry, your blossom girl, Lorraine. In the words of the master, I may throw up. Be bitter, Puss, just because Lorraine is more glamorous than you are. Yeah, give me the rest of those cables. Lorraine Sheldon, Lord Bottomley, my Aunt Fanny. Ah, here's one from Destiny's Top. Oh yes, England's little rover boy, Beverly Carlton. He's leaving Honolulu, bein' Hollywood next week. Hollywood next week, eh? Hope I can stop here in his way out to New York. A sender cable, a Beverly Carlton, Royal Hawaiian Hotel, Hono... If these people intend to have their friends use the front door... Well, what do you want them to use, a rope ladder? I will not have a lot of mildewed grave robbers rushing in and out of this house. Good morning, Sarah. There's nobody home. The Stanley's have been arrested for dope peddling. Go away. Good morning, Mr. Whiteside. Maggie, get rid of him. I'm Jefferson of the Missalia Journal. Sherry, I told you about Mr. Jefferson. He wants to interview you. Oh yes, a fellow who's been squiring you to the movies. What do you do, Mr. Jefferson? Sit in a balcony playing footsies with her? Well, I warned you about him, Bert. Pass me that box of goodies, will you please? You know, Mr. Whiteside, you're the biggest news of Missalia since the end of the war. He can, but are not fudge. Robert Houston. Time for you pills, Mr. Whiteside. Oh, my, you mustn't eat candy. It's very bad for you. Miss Preen, my great Aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102. And when she had been dead for three days, she looked better than you do now. What are you saying, old fellow? Well, I can at least report to my readers that chivalry is not yet dead. Missalia, how long are you going to be here, Mr. Whiteside? A, Missalia is a town of irresistible charm. B, I cannot wait to get out of it, and C, I... Jerry, Jerry, look who's here. Oh, bless. It's Mets, Professor Mets. Mets, you incredible beetle hound. Jefferson, behold, one of the great men of our time, Professor Adolf Mets, the world's leading authority on insect life. Mets, stop looking at me adoringly and tell me why you're here. You are sick, Sherry, so I come to cheer you. He doesn't deserve it, Professor. Would you believe it, Jefferson? He's written eight volumes on the matey instinct of the female white ant. Live two years in a cave with nothing but plant lice. Didn't you, my little hookworm? You embarrass me, Sherry. Look, a little present for you. Open it up. What is it? All for you. Here in this box are 10,000 cockroaches. Incredible. Oh, dear, thoughtful, incredible Mets. Look, my friends, they play, they make love, they die. See, they even bury their own dead. Well, I'm glad of that, or I'd have to do it. And with these earphones, Sherry, you listen to the mating call. Here, you listen. Hmm. How long has this been going on? Family 10,000 of them. They're mine. Everyone mine. Mr. White Sine, I will not stand here and allow you to have... And then go back upstairs. Mets, you will stay for the day, of course. A stay for lunch, Jefferson. Maggie, tell the cook there'll be two more. And close the door. I don't want a lot of prying people prying on their bethers. I want to talk to you. I am busy, Mr. Stanley. I'm listening to my cockroaches. Now, Ernest, Ernest, don't lose your temper. I tell you, I've stood all I'm going to stand. Indeed. I have just received a bill from the telephone company. Long distance calls, $984. Mr. White Sine, I realize you're a distinguished man of letters. Oh, yes, of course. We both do. Please. But ever since you came here, we have not been able to call our souls our own. I have to tiptoe out of the house in the morning. Now, Ernest... And I come home to find a man putting cockroaches in the kitchen. Oh, no. They just escaped here. He was looking for them. Have you quite finished? No. I go down to the cellar this morning and trip over an octopus that William Beebe sent you. And stop pawing me, Daisy. Mr. White Sine, my husband didn't mean that. Yes, I did. I meant every word of it. You have one point at which I see some slight justice. I do not expect you to pay for my telephone calls. How good of you, Mr. White Sine. I shall instruct my lawyers to deduct it from the $150,000 I'm suing you for. Oh, this is the end, Daisy. Simply the end. And I'll thank you not to trip over that octopus which once belonged to Chauncey M. de Pugh. Oh, well, have you two come to scold me, too? Gee, Dad, sure mad, isn't he, Mr. White Sine? Good evening, Mr. White Sine. Now, look here. I am, by nature, a gracious and charming person. If I err at all, it is on the side of kindness and amiability. Well, we just didn't want to bother you, Mr. White Sine. Well, been out ice skating, I see. That's right, Mr. White Sine. Ah, me. I used to cut figure eights myself. Arm and arm with Betsy Ross waving the flag behind us. Oh, it was wonderful on the ice today. Ms. Cutler and Mr. Jefferson were there, too. Maggie, skating, and I got a swell picture of her. You see, I'm kind of an amateur photographer, Mr. White Sine. That he is, Sherry. That he is. Well, have a nice nap while I was gone. Come on, June. We better get ready for dinner. Okay. Well, Cat got your tongue, Sherry. Don't look at me with those great cow eyes. Where have you been all afternoon? Necky with Bert Jefferson? I have news for you, Sherry. We have a genius in town. Yes, I know. I'm talking about Bert, and I'm serious. He's written a play. It's great, Sherry. And here it is. I want you to read it tonight. Any further orders, Miss? It just cries out for Catherine Cornell. Sherry, if you like it, will you send it to her? And please, you will read it tonight? Not tonight or any other time. And you might ask Mr. Jefferson if you'd like to pay your salary now that he's taking up all of your time. Oh, come now, Sherry. It isn't as bad as that. You flea-bitten Cleopatra. Sneaking out like some love-sick high school girl, you're out of your mind. Yes. Yes, I think I am a little. Anyway, I'm in love. While Mr. Jefferson doesn't know it yet, I'm going to try my darnedest to marry him. Is that all? Yes, except that, well, I suppose this is what may be called my notice. It's incredible, incredible. Sweep off your feet in seven days by a second-rate, small-town newspaper man. I can't explain it, Sherry. I can only tell you it's so. But it's no cynic behaving like true story magazine and liking it. What can I do about it, darling? We're leaving tomorrow. Hip or no hip, we're leaving here tomorrow. I'll pull you out of this mistardust if I have to... No good, Sherry. I'd be back on the next plane. Oh, don't think I'm not grateful to you, but you don't know Bert. He's gentle. He's unassuming. I'm completely unconvinced. You are drugging yourself into this Joan Crawford fantasy, and before you become completely anesthetized, I should do everything in my power to bring you to your senses. Now, listen to me, White Side. I know what a devil you can be. I've seen you do it to other people, but don't you dare do it to me. Don't drug yourself into the idea that all you're thinking about is my happiness. You're thinking of yourself a little bit, too, and all those months of breaking in a new secretary. I've seen you in a passion before when your life has been disrupted and you couldn't dine in Calcutta on July 12th with Boo Boo. Well, I'm going to marry Bert if you'll have me, and if you'll have your tricks, I'm under every one of them, so lay off. And that's my message to you, Lord Fontmaroy. Hmm. Well, I have a message, too. Hello, long distance. I want to place a transatlantic call, please. Miss Lorraine Sheldon aboard the steamship Queen Mary. Sheldon. S-H-E-L-G-O. Oh, good evening, Mr. White Side. Come back and offer a day, Dr. Bradley. Now, what would be the best news I could possibly bring you? You've been stricken with hydrophobia. Mr. White Side, you are a well man. You can leave here tomorrow. Well, sir, I looked at those little X-rays again this afternoon, and guess what? All this time, I've been looking at the wrong X-rays. You what? Yes, sir. All this time, I've been looking at old Mrs. Moffitt's X-rays. Lower your voice, will you? Aren't you pleased? But your news comes at a very curious moment. Oh? Oh, Dr. Bradley. I've been reading your book. 40 years, something you'd rather I believe. Yes, Mr. White Side, yes. I consider it one of the great literary contributions of our time. Mr. White Side. It has its little rough spots, but of course, if I was hoping I could stay here in Missalia and work with you. Mr. White Side. But you see, if my lecture bureau learns that I am well, they'll insist that I fulfill my engagements. Therefore, Dr. Bradley, we must not tell a soul, not even my secretary, Miss Cutler. You understand? Not even my own wife, sir. Fine, fine. We can start work tonight. I've got one patient that's dying, and then I'll be perfectly free. I think tomorrow morning it'd be better. Oh, this is a private call, doctor. You'll forgive me. Tomorrow morning it is. Yes. Oh, you've made me very proud. I'm so glad, yes, yes, yes. I'm so glad, yes, yes, yes. Proud, sir. And humble. Yes. Hello. Good, good. Put her on. Hello? Is this my blossom girl? How are you, my lovely? Now listen closely, my pet. I've discovered a wonderful play for you. Cornell, we give her eye teeth to do it, but I think I can get it for you. Now, wait, wait, let me tell you. The office is a newspaper man here in Missalia. No, he's young and just your dish, my dear. Now, it may take a little doing, but you're the girl who can do it. Isn't that exciting, my pet? Yes, yes, that's right. Now, look, look. Don't send any messages. Just get here. Yes, that's right. Goodbye, my blossom. Well, Miss Geraldine Preen. My, but you look radiant this evening. What? Oh, Mr. White Side, at times I... Well, I simply don't understand you. May I see you a moment, Sherry? Of course, Maggie, dear. We're just taking our little pills. Sherry, I'm sorry for what I said before. We all lose our tempers now and then. I promised to have dinner with Burton. Go to a movie, but we'll come back and play cribbage with you instead. Fine, fine. Then we'll see you soon, Sherry, dear. No hurry, pet, no hurry. I just say it's a rabbit in the sunshine. I just say it's a rabbit in the rain. Before our stars return with act two of The Man Who Came to Dinner, here's Libby Collins, our Hollywood reporter. With a poser for you, John. What famous star wears fuchsia stockings with fuchsia and charters' shoes in her latest picture? A dancer? You're warm. She starred with victimature and Phil Harris in a 20th century fox production. And her lovely legs are famous. Oh, Betty Grable, of course, in Wabash Avenue. Right. Oh, her costumes are ravishing in technicolor. She had dozens of nylons and exquisite shades made especially for the role. They cost $9 a pair. Wow, I guess Victor and Phil are glad they didn't put the bill. Or did I steal a pun from Phil? Oh, the studio saw to it that Betty's nylons were handled with loving luxe care. A good idea for nylons at any price. You're right. Of course, Betty's a Luxe Flakes fan from way back. All her own lovely nylons are washed with wonderful luxe. It makes them last ever so much longer. Dancing practice for Wabash Avenue must have been hard on Betty's stockings. Indeed it was. But Betty gets wonderful wear even from sheer nylons. After all, scientific strain tests show that nylons last twice as long with Luxe Flakes care. It's amazing how stockings go into runs much sooner. When they're washed with strong soaps or rub with cake soap, Luxe stockings last twice as long. And colors stay truer. Well, I'm sure the smartest nylons in the Easter parade will have that lovely Luxe look. Now, here's our producer, Mr. William Keely. Act two of the man who came to dinner, starring Clifton Webb as Sheridan Whiteside and Lucille Ball as Maggie. Well, Maggie's in love. But Sheridan Whiteside hasn't the slightest intention of losing her very valuable secretary. He's counting on a real expert to break up the romance. Lorraine Sheldon, due in Misselia today, the day before Christmas. Just look at these Christmas presents, Miss Cutler, all for Mr. Whiteside. Well, sir, you see, Christmas is Mr. Whiteside's personal property. He invented it and it belongs to him. My land from Shirley Temple, Mr. Belvedere, gorgeous George. And Mr. Whiteside's tree is so beautiful, too. Mr. and Mrs. Stanley had to put their Christmas tree in their bedroom, you know. They can hardly undress at night. What's this one, Miss Cutler? That's from his sponsor, Sarah, a full-year supply of cream of mush. And he'll give it right back to them over the air. The things he finds time to do. Yes, he certainly sticks his nose into everything. Miss Cutler, you haven't seen the family, have you? Aren't they upstairs? Well, I mean the young ones. Nobody seems to know where they went after Mr. Whiteside talked to them. Oh, Christmas shopping, probably. Well, if I'm going downtown, I'd better let him know. Sherry, may I come in? Come in, Elsie Dinsmore. That must have been quite a session you had, Sherry, with the Stanley airs. What did they want? Good sound advice, Madam Butterfly. And they came to the right place for it. You know, June thinks she's in love with some fellow in her father's factory. He's a labor agitator, Sherry. She admits it. And Richard, well, he wants to quit high school and go around the world. Really? Sherry, you didn't agree with... Oh, well. Since you don't need me, I'm going downtown to meet Burke. You're free to go as come as you please, dear. The radio men may get here before I'm back. Better start cutting the script, Sherry. What time does Beverly Carlton arrive? Shortly, I hope. Staying over? No, no. He has to go on to New York. I won't be long, Sherry. Another package for you, Mr. Whiteside. Only it's a crate, Mr. Whiteside, with an expressman. Come in, my good man. A crate, eh? Some kind of animal, Mr. Whiteside. The label says it's from... from Admiral Richard E. Byrd. Why, they're penguins. Oh, look at them in there, Sarah. Directions for feeding are right on top. It says to be fed only whale-blubber eels and cracked lobster. They got seven up this morning and liked it. Just look at the little fellas. How are you, my prettys? Uh, Sarah, you better order a couple of dozen lobsters. I don't suppose there's any whale-blubber in Miss Alia. Well, well, Merry Christmas. Oh, yes, there is. It's great, Sarah, and open those slats a little. They seem so crowded in there. You bet, Mr. Whiteside. Mr. Whiteside, it's been a full week now. My book. When are we going to start on my book? Mr. Whiteside, they're getting out of the crate. Doctor, will you go in there and capture them, please? Cockroaches again. You know, penguins for them. Oh, and try to amuse them, please, until I come in. Who is this, Sarah? Who's at the door? My blossom girl. Oh, God. Look at that poor, sweet tortured face. Let me kiss it how drawn you are. Sherry, my sweet, I could cry. All right, all right. You've made a very nice entrance, dear. Now just relax. But Sherry, darling, I've been so worried and seeing you in this wheelchair. It happens to be the most comfortable chair in the house. Now, take off that skunk and tell me everything. Darling, I'm so relieved you look perfectly wonderful. I just dashed through New York. Now don't be coy, blossom girl. I want to know all about you and that splendid bit of English mutton lord bottom lay. Have you hooked him? Sherry, dear, you're dreadful. By the way, has he had his teeth fixed yet? Sherry, really. Cedric may not be brilliant, but he's rather sweet, poor lamb. He's very fond of me. He does represent a kind of English way of living that I like. So don't be surprised if I am Lady Bottom Lay before very long. Lady Bottom Lay. Won't Kansas City be surprised? I should be a flower girl and give the groom an iron toothpick as a wedding present. Mr. Whiteside. What? No, no, go away. I'm busy. Oh, who's there? He's fixing the plumbing. This play, darling. After all, I came all the way here on Christmas Eve. Well, the office a young fellow named Bert Jefferson. He brought the play to me with the understanding that I'd send it to Kit Cornell. It's a magnificent part and I feel terribly disloyal to Kit, but there you are. Darling, how can I ever thank you that he know I was coming, Mr. Jefferson? No, no, no, you're just out here busy me. Just get him to take you to dinner and work around to the play. Lord, I don't have to tell you how to do these things. How'd you get all your other parts? Sherry! Now run back to your hotel and get into your working clothes. By the way, who do you think's paying me a flying visit? None other than your old friend, Beverly Carlton. Beverly? Oh, really? Come, come, my dear, mustn't be bitter just because he got better notices than you did. Oh, to be silly, Sherry, I simply would not care to act with him again, that's all. Sherry! Just gave me the most beautiful... Oh, Maggie, darling. Santa's been at work, my pet. Lawson Girl just got in out of the blue and surprised us. Hello, Lorraine. Oh, is that you, Bert? Lorraine, this is Mr. Bert Jefferson. Mr. Lorraine Sheldon. How do you do, Miss Sheldon? I didn't catch the name, Jefferson. Oh, that's right, pet. Mr. Jefferson, you don't look like a newspaper man at all. I... I don't? Oh, I should have said you were a pilot and explorer or something dashing. I'm simply enchanted with your talent, Mr. Jefferson. Tell me, have you lived here all your life? Well, practically, Miss Sheldon. If you wish to hear the story of his life, Blossom Girl, kind of do so on your own time. He's the world's rudest man. Isn't he? Can I drop you, Mr. Jefferson? I have a taxi. Well, my car's out there. Supposed I drop you. Well, that'd be lovely. Bye, Sherry. Bye, Maggie, dear. Sherry. Sherry, I want to talk to you. Oh, yes, yes, the broadcast. Four minutes to cut you, said? Quite a surprise, wasn't it? Her dropping in. Yes, yes, it was. Now come on, Maggie. Come on, get to work. How long is she going to stay? Oh, I don't know. A few days. Now look here, Maggie. Just because a friend of mine happens to come out to spend Christmas with me. Your company, Mr. Wideside, he's a foreigner. Sherry, my dear, and a magpie. Beverly! Come in here, you picket-a-dally pen pusher and gaze upon a soul in agony. Don't tell me how you are, Sherry, dear. I want none of the past and details. I have only a little time, so the conversation will be entirely about me and I shall love it. Maggie, dear, say something beautiful to me. Hi. As for you, Sherry, without going into mountains of self-pity, how are you? I'm fine. You presumptuous cockney. Now tell me, how was your trip? Fabulous. By the way, did I glimpse Lorraine Sheldon in a motor car just now? You did indeed. She's paying us a Christmas visit. Dear girl. They do say she set fire to her mother, but I don't believe a word of it. Sherry, my evil one, not only have I written the finest comedy since Molière, but also the best of you since my last one and an operator that frightens me. It's so good. I shall play for eight weeks in London. That's all. No matinees. Magpie, why don't you desert this cannonball of fluff and come with me? Be careful, Beverly. You're catching me at a good moment. Tell me, Beverly, did you have a good time in Hollywood? Three unbelievable days. I saw everyone from Adrian to Zanuck. They came poor dears as to a shrine. What about Banjo? Did you see my wonderful Banjo? He gave a dinner for me. I arrived in White Tire and Tales to be met at the door by two bewigged flunkies who quietly proceeded to take my trousers off. Dear incomparable Banjo. Now, Mr. White Tire. No, no, no, just go away. Kidnapped somebody, Sherry? Yes, that was Charlie Ross. Of course you know about Lorraine and Lord Bottomley. Know about it, dear fellow. Practically no one's betting on the Derby this year. They're all making book on Lorraine. Have you ever met Lord Bottomley, Magpie? Not a very good shooting today, blast it, only six partages for Faw Grouse and the Duke of Sutherland. Ha, ha, ha! Good Lord, that's Bottomley to the very bottom. A ripping debate in the house today. Old Basil spoke for four hours, dropped it at a dead at the end of it, ripping. Oh, you're making it up. No one sounds like that. It's so good it's uncanny. Tell you darling, I must run. I can only tell you that my love for you is so great that I changed trains at Chicago just to wish you a Merry Christmas. If that's the radio people, Maggie, get rid of them. Hello. Oh, hello Bert. Oh, well hold on, Beverly, would you talk to a newspaper man for just a minute? I sort of promised him. Won't have time, Magpie, unless he goes to meet me at the station. Oh, thanks. Go to the station and wait for him, Bert. He's leaving now. Bye, dear. Broadcasting tonight, eh, Sherry? Fortunately, I shan't have to hear you. Au revoir, Sherry. Merry Christmas, Magpie. I'll go to the door with you and start cutting that script, Sherry. What's the matter, Magpie? I'm in love, Beverly. I can't tell you about it. There isn't time, but Sherry in his own scene-dish way is doing everything he can to break it up. Why, the old flounder? What's he doing? Lorraine. He brought Lorraine here. I know he did. Oh, it's somebody here in town. Yes, the newspaper man you're going to see at the station. He's written a play and Sherry's using it as bait. And you know Lorraine. She'll eat him up alive. What do you want me to do, Magpie? Oh, get Lorraine out of here. The farther away the better. But how? I'm leaving. Well, I know it may sound silly, but if you were to phone Lorraine from the station, that imitation you do of Lord Bottomley... Magpie, but I'd love it. I'd absolutely love it. Tell her you can't go on without her that she must return to England immediately. I can't wait. It's pure heaven. Well, it probably won't work, Beverly. But if she should fall for it, maybe I'd get a chance at her. Inside, he goes on the air in a few minutes. That's quite a gown, Lorraine. Going anywhere? This? Oh, I just threw on anything at all. Who does your hair, Maggie? A little French woman named Maggie Cutler comes in every morning. You know, your hair could be so lovely. I always want to get my hands on it. I've always wanted to get mine on yours, Lorraine. What? Oh, by the way, what time does Beverly get here? He's been and gone. Really? Well, I'm very glad. You know, I was a perfect wreck by the time I played Closed. All during that tender love scene, you kept dropping peanut shells down my dress. I wouldn't act with him again if I was solving. Excuse me. Hello? Hello? Miss Lorraine Sheldon. Yes, she's here. For me? The operator's getting your party. Transatlantic London. Transatlantic here? How in the world? Ah, it's better. Just like you were just around the corner. Oh, my sweet. Oh, my darling. See, dearest, would you wait just a moment, Maggie? Would you mind? It's Lord Bottom, the very personal call. No, not at all, Lorraine. Not at all. Yes, my dearest. Well, I'm married. Oh, yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. Darling, darling, you're stuttering again. The least you could do, Sherry, is to congratulate her. Lord Bottomley has just asked Lorraine to become Lady Bottomley. Isn't it simply ecstatic? Naturally, I shall have to leave at once. Am I to understand from your girlish squeals that you're about to toss your career into the ash can? Isn't it strange, Sherry, who'd have thought an hour ago that Lorraine would be on her way back to London? Shut your nasty little face. I'm a violent headache. Hello, everybody. It's snowing outside. Go and have a real old-fashioned Christmas. Why don't you telephone your scoop to the New York Times? Miss Sheldon has to leave town very suddenly. Isn't that a shame? Oh, no bad news, I hope. Oh, wonderful enchanting news, Mr. Jefferson. Anybody admired my Christmas present yet, Maggie? Oh, dear, I forgot. Look, everybody, to me from Jeff. Maggie, what a charming bracelet. Isn't it sweet, Sherry? Will this drivel never stop? My head is bursting. Why don't you make us a drink, Bert? We'll celebrate Lorraine's good news. Fine, fine. Oh, by the way, I had a two-minute interview with Beverly Carlton. He's quite a guy, Mr. Whiteside. Just run along, Bert, and fix the drink. I was lucky to even get two minutes. He was in a phone booth most of the time. Phone booth? You'll find the liquor in the pantry, Bert, down that way. Couldn't hear a word he was saying, Mr. Whiteside, but from the faces he was making, it looked like a scene from one of his plays. So Mr. Carlton was in a telephone booth for station. I didn't think he'd ever come out. Bert, will you please? Ah, yes. And to make mine a double, will you, Jefferson? My headache seems to have suddenly disappeared. Come along, Maggie. That has shown me where the pantry is. Good old Bert. He couldn't hear what he was saying, but from the faces he was making. Oh, Sherry, what is this? What's going on here? Blossom girl, you have just played the greatest love scene of your career with your old chum, Beverly Carlton. That's not true. I was talking to Cedric. What do you mean? I mean, that was Beverly. You poured your girlish heart out to, not Lord Bottomley. You've heard him do Lord Bottomley before, haven't you, dear? Can't do such a thing. This is one of the most... Oh, no. No, the care, the absolute unutterable care. The dirty rotten wiles. Why, I'll take... Steady Blossoms, steady. If I face an England again, I'll... Getting to understand everything. Yes, Maggie, that's a very charming base that Mr. Jefferson gave you, isn't it, dear? Has something upset you, dear? And to think that I nearly went back to... Wild horses couldn't drag me out of here now, Maggie. We're almost ready, Mr. Whiteside. I'm near in two minutes. Who is he? Just what on the radio, man Blossom. Here comes the Jefferson special. Have we time? Oh, I'm sure we have, Mr. Jefferson. I'm not leaving after all my plans are changed. Oh, it's fine. And I hear you've written a simply marvelous play, Mr. Jefferson. I want you to read it to me tonight. We'll go back to the hotel right after dinner. Why, I'd be delighted. Maggie! Well, I'll bet you arrange this whole thing. Well, it's the finest Christmas presents you could give me. Yes, I thought you'd like it. Oh, it's no use. I'm getting out of here. Is he in there? Is Whiteside in there? Not now, Mr. Starley. I'm about to go in the air. Whiteside. My son has just run off on a freighter. He says he's going around the world to take photographs. And my daughter's alope with an anarchist. I know he is, and they both say that you... that you told them to do it. Quiet, please. How dare you! This is the most outrageous thing I've ever... Oh, I see you're still busy. Without a doubt, you are the most impossible man I've ever heard of in my life. Heaven's sake, quiet! Oh, thanks, Harry. Quiet, please. Good evening, everybody. Cream of Marsh brings you... Sheridan Whiteside. This is Whiteside speaking. Unbeceive of eaves. When my own heart is overflowing with love I think it is most fitting to tell you once again the story of that still and lustrous night. Before we continue with act three of the man who came to dinner, I'd like to introduce English-born Joan Miller, who comes to the screen by way of the stage and her own radio program. How does it feel to be a guest instead of an emcee, Joan? Wonderful, Mr. Keely. Fortunately, I don't get mic fright or stage fright either. Not like the drama student played by Jane Wyman in the Warner Brothers picture stage fright, huh? Well, I nearly had it during my first movie role. However, a wonderful director talked me out of it. Not Alfred Hitchcock. Although I'd give anything to work under his direction. I see all his pictures three or four times. Stage fright is Hitchcock at his best. Mystery and suspense in the light-handed manner for which he is famous. A splendid cast too. Jane Wyman, Marlene Dietrich, Richard Todd. After the filming, I saw some of the original costumes in the wardrobe department at Warner Brothers. They're fabulous. I was amazed how many had been washed with Lux Flakes. Of course, I'm a Lux fan myself. I saw Lux Flakes in many a screen star's home too, Joan. Oh, I'm sure of that, Mr. Kennedy. One day in Jane Wyman's dressing room, I complimented her on her lovely new negligee. You know, then Jane can confess that it had been Lux many times. She insists on Lux Flakes for all her lingerie. That's not surprising. In test after test, slips and nighties that were washed with Lux Flakes looked lovely. Yes, really lovely. Three times as long as those washed the wrong way. You've seen, I'm sure, how careless washing can make lingerie disappointingly drab. It's no wonder thousands of girls follow the stars. Give all their nice things gentle Lux Flakes care for that lovely Lux look. Thank you for coming tonight, Joan Miller. We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. The curtain rises on Act 3 of The Man Who Came to Dinner, starting clipped in web as Sheridan Whiteside and Lucille Ball as Maggie. It is now some 15 hours later, Christmas morning in the Stanley household, and a very quiet morning it has been until now. Ms. Preen. Yes, sir, yes, sir, I'm coming. Where do you disappear to all the time, my Lady Norsia? Mr. Whiteside, I can only be in one place at a time. That is very fortunate for this community. Now, where is Ms. Cutler? She hasn't gone. I'm sure I don't know. Not yet, but she's just about to. I'm taking the one o'clock train, Sherry. I'm leaving. You're doing nothing of the kind. Honestly, Maggie, sometimes you can be very annoying. You know, Sherry, in a way, you're really quite wonderful. You're annoyed. I wish there was a laugh left in me. Shall I tell you something, Sherry? I think you are a selfish, petty egomaniac who would see his mother burned at the stake if that was the only way he could light a cigarette. I think you are incapable of any human emotion that goes higher than your stomach, and I was the fool of the world for ever thinking I could trust you. Well, as long as I live, I shall never do anyone a good turn again. I won't ask you to apologize, Maggie, but... Hello, hello, hello, hello! Is everybody? I suppose I'm a little drunk, Maggie, but I can explain everything. Mr. Whiteside shake hands with a successful playwright. Ms. Sheldon thinks my play is wonderful. Isn't that wonderful? Yes, that's just wonderful, Bernie. There's more. Ms. Sheldon says the play needs a little bit of fixin' so she's gonna take me to a little place she's got in Lake Placid. We'll work on the play together. Isn't that wonderful? Look, Bert, I suggest you tell us all about this later. Now, why don't you... I thought if I came early, Mr. Whiteside, we could... Oh, excuse me. Dr. Bradley, I think Mr. Jefferson would like some black coffee and a little breakfast. Will you take care of him, please? But you never had champagne for breakfast, did you, Doc? Well, today's the day you're gonna... Now there, Maggie, I'm willing to forgive your tawdry outburst and, uh, talk about this thing calmly. Oh, Sherry, why did you do it? Why did you do it? Merry Christmas, Ms. Harriet. Dear Ms. Harriet, Merry Christmas. I'm afraid I shouldn't be seen talking to you, Mr. Whiteside. My brother is terribly angry at you sending off the children like you did. But I just couldn't resist asking you, did you like my Christmas present? Forgive me, I haven't opened it. Oh, but it's right here, Mr. Whiteside. Wouldn't you like to open it now? Of course. A photograph. Why, it's lovely, Ms. Harriet. I was 22 when that was taken. Well, I... I should be late for church. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Man, Joe, put that woman down. That's my nurse, you mental delinquent. I know I open half an hour, girl. You bring some rye bread. I'm here to spend Christmas with you. Give me a kiss. Get away from me, you Hollywood nitwit. How did you get here? Darrell's attic loaned me his reindeer. I'm on my way to Nova Scotia and where's Maggie? Now, where are those wonderful brothers of yours and how are they? Sapo and Wacko. And what are you going to Nova Scotia for? I'm sick of Hollywood. There's a dam in New York I don't want to see, so I figured I'd go to Nova Scotia and get some good salmon. Man, Joe, I'm very glad you're here. As for Maggie, I'm very annoyed with her daddy. She's turning me like a viper. Repaying my affection by behaving like a fishwife. I never believed for a moment she was really in love with him. In love with who? I just got here, remember? Great Scott, I'm telling you. A young newspaper man here in town. Well, well, you know, what kind of a guy is he? All right, shut up and listen, will you? Well? Well, Lorraine Sheldon happened to come out here and visit me. Lorraine here? He's written a play at this young fellow. You can guess the rest. He's going away with Lorraine this afternoon to rewrite. So there you are. Maggie's inside there, crying her eyes out. Wait a minute. I smell a rat, Sherry. All right, all right. But I did it all for Maggie's own good. Oh, sure. You haven't thought of yourself in years. Well, I got Lorraine out here and I've got to get her away. But how? Better be good, Sherry. That Lorraine's no dope. The trouble is, there's so little time. There must be some way out. There must be. I'm too hungry to think. Excuse me when I look for the kitchen. Tell Sarah I said you're mad, but quite harmless, and hurry back. That's my bags. I'm leaving. I'm through. You realize, Miss Preen, that this is completely unprofessional? I do indeed. I am not only walking out on this case, Mr. Whiteside. I am leaving the nursing profession. I became a nurse because all my life I was filled with the idea of serving suffering humanity. After one month with you, Mr. Whiteside, I am now going to work making hydrogen bombs. And what if Florence Nightingale had... If Florence Nightingale had ever nursed you, Mr. Whiteside, she would have married Jaff the Ripper instead of finding a red cross. Okay? Mr. Whiteside, we've just found June. Oh, thank heaven. Thank heaven. June, my little baby, you're not married, are you? No, Mother, I'm not, and we don't be his carrot. Oh, June, that awful boy, working for your father and trying to blow up the factory. Yes, Mr. Whiteside, your plans for my daughter have gone a trifle of rhyme. As for my son, he's been apprehended in Toledo, and will be returned here within the hour. Not having your gift for invective, I cannot tell you what I think of your obnoxious interference in my affairs, but I have now arranged that you will interfere no longer. You may come in, Sheriff. Please call off your bloodhounds, Mr. Stanley, before you strain my patience. These two men have a warrant by which I am able to put you out of this house, and I need hardly add that it will be the greatest moment of my life. And that means bag, baggage, wheelchair, penguins, octopus, and cockroaches. Now I'm going upstairs to smash our radio so that not even by accident shall I ever hear your voice again. I'm sure you don't want my autograph, old fellow. You have just 15 minutes, Mr. Whiteside. Well, Whiteside, I got a pretty fair omelet in the kitchen, but no ideas. It's no use, Banjo. My host has sworn out a warrant. Baby's rosy little body is being tossed out into the snow in 15 in 14 minutes. What would he do a thing like that for? The point is the master is growing a little desperate. Hey, if I knew where Lorraine was, I could get a car and run her over. It wouldn't hurt very much. Banjo. Banjo for heaven's sake. Wait a minute. Is that a taxi outside? Yeah. Yeah, it's Lorraine. What would happen if I just went out there and slugged her? Get out of here, Banjo. Go and talk to Maggie for a minute, and don't let her leave here. Darling, I was just swept off my feet by the play, and you know quite a part of anything else, but he's really a very attractive man. Makes it rather a pleasure squaring accounts with little Mrs. Vitry. That is not Banjo, but don't tell me he's here. Sweetie, but how are you? Very well, thank you, and you, Banjo. Oh, fine, my buddy, you're fine. So you feel fine, don't you, Lorraine? Yes, of course I do. Excuse me, Sherry, I've been getting your papers in order. Here's the list of all your engagements through March. I'm looking forward to the late Placid, Banjo. Birch the kind of man who do all winter sports beautifully. But will he get time? Expressman here, Mr. Whiteside, another present for you. What heavens, what is that thing? First it was Penguin's lady, and now it's this. It's a mummy case from Cairo, Egypt. If there's one thing I need right now, it's an Egyptian mummy case. What's the tag say? Merry Christmas from the Khadib of Egypt. What did you send him, Grant's tomb? Six minutes, Mr. Whiteside, including that. And who was that man? He announces the time every few minutes. I pay him a small sum. Oh, Mr. Whiteside, are you visiting? Oh, no. I've written a new chapter on the left kidney, and I owe pardon me, I didn't know you had that. I think this mummy case is rather beautiful. Just think, Sherry, this mummy case. Here was a woman like myself, a woman who once lived and loved full of the same passions, fears, jealousies, hates, and what remains of it now? Just this nothing more. Going somewhere, Holly? I want to stand inside. Look at me, Sherry. A span of 4,000 years. And here I am, another woman living outer life. I want a crown. Whiteside, I think I've got an idea. Yes, all right. Don't move, don't move, my dear. Don't even talk. Just stand there, my blossom. There's something about your expression as you stand in that case like, like a halo. Why, Sherry, how sweet. Lorraine, dear, in this single moment you approach the epitome of your art, you have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all, the memory of you standing here in this mummy case. Why, darling, I'm all chumped. Make sure it's locked, Banjo. You think she'll be all right in there? Sure, she can breathe easy. I'll let her out as soon as we get on the plane. What are we going to do now? How do we get this out of here? Careful, here's Maggie. What about all these letters, Sherry? What about this photograph? Oh, Miss Harriet gave that to me. Throw everything else away. I'll see you before I leave, Banjo. Oh, what happened to Lorraine? She just stepped out for a moment, dear. Banjo. This photograph. Look at this photograph. I've got it. It came to me just like that. What came to you? I knew I'd seen that face before. Harriet Stanley, eh? Well, now I know how to get this mummy case out of here. Sorry, Mr. Whiteside, your 15 minutes are up. Ah, yes, Mr. Stanley. But just one favor before I go. I would like you to summon your two policemen and ask them to help this gentleman out to the airport with this mummy case. Would you be good enough to do that, Mr. Stanley? I will do nothing of the kind. Oh, I think you will, Mr. Stanley. Or shall I inform my radio audience next week that your sweet old sister, Harriet Stanley, is none other than the famous Harriet Stanley, who murdered her mother and father with an ax 25 years ago in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Mr. Whiteside. How did that little jingle go now? Oh, yes. Harriet Stanley took an ax and gave her mother 40 whacks. And when the job was nicely done, she gave her father 41. Officers, will you come in, please? Mr. Stanley would like you to help him with this mummy case. Right, Mr. Stanley? Yes, yes. Man, Joe, my love, you're wonderful. I may write a book about you. Don't bother. I can't read. Goodbye, Maggie. Hey, don't drop the case, boys. It contains an FG. Sherry, what do you mean? She is indeed. The field is clear and you have my blessing. Oh, Sherry. Sherry, you old reprobate. I hadn't coped, Maggie. Oh, and I'll take your railroad tickets. I'm leaving for New York. You're leaving? Don't argue, rat girl. Do as you're told. Yes, Mr. Whiteside. Are you very busy, Mr. Whiteside? Yes, Dr. Bradley, very busy. But if you ever get to New York, doctor, try and find me. Goodbye, Maggie, my lamb. Oh, Sherry, you're wonderful. Yes, aren't I? Oh, Jefferson, my boy. I've decided to take your play to Catherine Cornell after all. You'll never know the trouble you've caused. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, Mr. Whiteside. Oh, look at him, Bert. There goes the most... Yes, dear, there he goes, right on his celebrated ear. Mr. Whiteside! Mr. Whiteside! He fell down again. Poor Mr. Whiteside. Slipped on the ice again. Bert! Preen, I want Miss Preen! Miss Preen! As for you, Mr. Stanley, I am now suing you for $350,000. I know you're eager to meet our stars in person and here they are, Miss Lucille Ball and the man who came to dinner himself, Clifton Webb. Clifton, do you suppose Sherry and Whiteside really stayed on in that house for another month? Well, I have it in good authority that he left almost immediately. Oh, then his leg wasn't broken after all. Oh, yes it was. Those horrible people ran out of Lux Flakes. I told you they were idiots. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen to either of you, there's a supply of Lux Flakes and the wings to take home. A dozen boxes, I presume. And why a dozen? Mr. Zannick would like it. My new picture with Jean Crane, you know, cheaper by the dozen. Oh, is it true, Clifton, that in cheaper by the dozen, 20th Century Fox has cast you as the father of 12 children? You the father of 12 children? Yes, a healthy change of pace, don't you think? Well, in that case, I suppose you're writing a book for children now, Clifton. Not at all. I've already done that. You may recall it. Mother Goose? Clifton, you wrote Mother Goose. Why not? But Mother Goose was written more than 300 years ago. My dear girl, did I ask your age? Well, let's change the subject. Bill, you said your show next week was going to be something special. Yes, Lucille, it is. A very beautiful and moving story come to the stable. We'll have the same star you saw in the 20th Century Fox picture, that lovely and talented artist, Loretta Young. And in his original role, you, Marlowe, making his first appearance on this stage. I know you'll enjoy them in this bright and tender drama. That will be a wonderful radio play, Bill. Good night. Good night, Lucille, Clifton. Good night. Are you going to be impressed that I'm leaving? Yes, Clifton, good night. And please be very careful going down the stairs. Lovely screen star, Hedy Lamar, recommends a simple, easy complexion care. She says, I never skip my beauty facials with luxe toilet soap, not for a single day. Here's all I do. I smooth the creamy lather in well, rinse, then pat with a soft towel to dry. Wonderful how soft and smooth my skin feels afterwards. Try Hedy Lamar's Luxe soap beauty care. It really works. Recent tests by skin specialists show that in actually three out of four cases, complexions improved in a short time with daily luxe soap care. Next time you shop, be sure to get Hollywood's fragrant white beauty soap. Use it regularly. Discover for yourself why nine out of ten screen stars use luxe toilet soap. Tonight the Luxe Radio Theater is honored in bringing you a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the President of the American National Red Cross speaking from Washington, General George C. Marshall. I have just finished an extensive tour of the country, some 30,000 miles, and I was tremendously impressed by the leadership and work of our 3,700 Red Cross chapters, and by the large numbers of public-spirited men and women who have volunteered their services as campaign workers. The American people believe in the Red Cross. They judge the Red Cross by its works. Year in and year out, they have seen it mobilize its resources to aid the victims of disaster with a both emergency relief and long-range rehabilitation. Last year it helped in 3,330 disasters, the greatest number in a single year. And here's an interesting point. April is the month of greatest disaster frequency. So we must anticipate more Red Cross assistance in the next 30 days. In recent weeks, we have had thousands of volunteer Red Cross workers in the field on flood relief. And we were caring for, that is feeding, showering, and sometimes clothing, as many as 23,000 families. Nearly two millions of Red Cross funds were or are involved. The Red Cross goes right on, day in and day out, serving the men and women in the armed forces, a million and a half of them in this country and overseas. Our workers daily bring comfort to those in military and veterans' hospitals. The National Blood Program supplies blood to hundreds of thousands of sick and injured, and our volunteers stand trained and ready to assist in these and other Red Cross services. To do the things that the American people expect, the Red Cross is appealing this year for $67 million. Last year, the public subscribed over $68 million. 438 of our 3,700 chapters have reached their quotas. To meet our minimum needs, the other chapters must reach their goals. I urge our campaign workers to increase their efforts. I am confident that the people will respond to this appeal if it is properly presented to them. In these days of misunderstandings and misgivings, the beneficent arms of the Red Cross reach out to recreate that feeling of good faith and good will, which is essential to the world if we are to have peace. Eva Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday evening when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Loretta Young in Come to the Stable with you, Marlon. This is William Keely saying good night to you from Hollywood. A steel ball will soon be seen in the paramounts at your fancy fans, co-starring with Bob Hope. The play was adapted by SH Barnett and our music was directed by Louis Silvers. This is your announcer, John Milton Kennedy, reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear Come to the Stable, starring Loretta Young with Hugh Marlowe. Stay tuned for my friend Irma, which follows over these same stations. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.