 Uh-oh. So recently one of our members was asking a question with respects to in the dating process when to date one person at a time and I thought this would be a great conversation to talk about commitment in general because there are different stages of commitment in the dating mating and relating process. So let's kind of unpack this for a little bit and see where this takes us. So when you think about today's dating marketplace, when we're considering we're meeting total strangers, we know very little about a person, it's probably unlikely that you would want to commit to a person who you barely know. That's why it's called dating. Dating is a process of getting to know someone, okay? So let's think about if you're meeting someone from an internet site, a dating app, that sort of thing. The first time you're meeting them, is it really a date? I call it a meet and greet, a meet and greet, okay? And if you choose, the two of you choose to see each other again, that's really your first date. So you know, I wouldn't want to, you know, fully commit to someone on a first date, okay? But let's say you had a really nice first date, you have a really good second date, and you have a really, is only date one person at a time, one person at a time. Now, that's the first level of commitment. Now, this isn't exclusivity, this isn't monogamy, this is merely giving yourself a chance to get to know one person at a time. But it's, but to some degree, that is a commitment, making a commitment to yourself to get to know one person at a time, okay? Now, by the time two people choose to be physically intimate with one another, I'm a big believer of two people agreeing to monogamy, if there's going to be regular sex, and exclusivity, because no one really likes to know, I mean, I'm not a big proponent of sleeping with one person, knowing that they're actively dating other people. And if you're going to feel that way about being with someone, then they should do the same for you, okay? So once two people begin to have physical intimacy with one another, it's regular, in other words, they're going to be consistent at it, I'm a big believer of being monogamous and exclusive at this point. Now, some men will balk at that. They want to keep their options open. They'd like to be, like today, men view sex similar to kissing one another. It's no big deal. But let me just say, this sex is a really big deal. And if two people are being physical with one another, physically intimate with one other, that should be exclusive. Now, what's the commitment beyond that? What's the commitment beyond that? You know, today's dating marketplace, we see a significant rise in casual relationships, meaning there's no real destination, there's no real plan of exploring something deeper that might mean either moving in together, getting married, or at least something substantial with one another. That means integrating each other into your lives. And sadly, I would venture to say that most singles who are in a relationship today that are over 40 years old, find themselves in casual relationships. And quite frankly, many women find themselves in a relationship of what I call friends with benefits, but you just don't know about it. In other words, it's strictly get together, have a good time, maybe it's a occasional connection, occasional companionship, occasional sex. And it's not really built on any foundation of agreeing to explore something deeper beyond the physical time together. Let's just live in the moment, let's take it slow and live in the moment. Folks, I've been watching Indian matchmaking on Netflix. And one of the things I find fascinating about this show, I'm doing a pivot here for a second, what I find fascinating is in this show, couples who meet for their first date is actually done with their parents involved. Now, for those of us in midlife, that's probably not a realistic experience, but the fact that the parents involved, the fact that the friends are involved, because these are two people usually that have a serious intent about finding a life mate. And this is where the dating marketplace is so confusing. And why some of our members are confused, should I give one person my time, because we have a variety of people that A, don't know what they want. I'm going to be candid with you. A lot of you ladies think you know what you want, but you really don't know what you want. And why do I say that? Because a lot of times you accept mediocre relationships, you accept mediocre relationships, and that's telling me you don't know what you want. If you want a significant relationship, then it starts with significant conversations right from the get go, starting with, what do you want? And the word relationship is ambiguous. When a guy says I want a relationship, I want a long term relationship, what does that mean? Long term to some people is three weeks. That's a long term relationship, and they're done and they're on to the next person. So even just the terminology can be rather confusing, because we're not really identifying our long term goals with this process of dating. But Jonathan, if I start to interrogate a person, it's going to scare them away. Folks, this is your time that early, the dating is a process of getting to know someone, but more importantly, getting to know their real intentions. What do they really seek in life? Do they seek a life partner? Do they want to integrate their lives with someone else? And so, sadly, many of you find yourself in cyber relationships, and what I mean to say you're spending most of your time talking on your smartphones, connecting with one another, not really engaging in something deeper. So what does it look like to go deeper? What does commitment really look like? This is really a tricky question. Even I have a hard time answering this. So most of you know, there's a picture of my sweetheart and I, we're in a committed relationship. We live together. Okay? Well, that's certainly a big commitment when you agree to live with someone, but many of you are not going to find yourself in that position. You might find yourself in a relationship where you're dating this person, you're getting to know this person. Well, you've got to ask yourself, what do you need to know about this person to feel a level of trust? Well, the best way to go about doing this is I, something I talk about in my videos frequently is social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. Those are the, you know, five key areas that need to be most likely need to be really explored to determine real compatibility with one another. Do you get each other's sense of humor? Do you like to go doing activities together? And many today's dating is like Netflix and chill for many people. That's not a real relationship. That's just companionship and connection and sex. So you got to really identify for yourself, what does commitment look like for you? What does it mean? What does a day in, day out relationship look like for you? And many of you aren't capable of a day in, day out relationship. Your lifestyles don't afford that. So what you're going to be left with is experiencing a casual relationship. So when should you commit to a man, like really commit to a man? When should you commit your heart, your soul, your body when you have developed a bit of trust with one another? Trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person have my best interest at hand? That's really, when you think about it, how easily two people can have sex with little or no trust with one another. And trust and commitment are the cornerstones of a healthy, happy relationship. So going back to our member who was asking the question, okay, I'm a big believer that it, again, coming back to what I said, the first time you meet someone is just a meet and greet. Okay, that's just a meet and greet. And by the way, you can have as many meet and greets as you want. You can have as many first dates as you want. The reality is is the fact is that considering we're meeting total strangers, it's hard to know if two people are aligned with one another. This is where it's all about asking the deeper questions. This is what I teach in my private coaching. There's a link to get a schedule, a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. It is all about asking questions to, and quite frankly, it's really about examining this person's resume. And when you think about this, companies don't hire people without a resume. In other words, they want to hear about the past work experience. Sometimes they call references of the past or their past work experiences. And while those are usually teed up in the person's favor, they ask about their past experiences. We have to do the same. Really, the predictor of who someone is in the future is usually predicated to some degree on what has happened in their past. And if you're not, if you're, if you're just going to go with the flow, sit in your feminine energy, let the guy lead. Well, today men are taking advantage of women in this capacity because men are biologically driven for sex. Very few men are actually functionally capable of being emotionally mature enough and have the relationship skills to be in a healthy relationship. By the way, there's a significant percentage of men that are absolutely capable of unhealthy relationships. And let me tell you something, ladies, you're no picnic either. Many of you are just as complicated as men. You have weak communication skills. In fact, some of you are, are even avoidant to speak up. You talk about honest communication. And yet many of you are afraid to even ask those deeper questions. And that's on you, not on him. So it's time to start vetting. It's time to start screening. It's time to, you know, widen your net, you know, coming back to the Indian matchmaker. Look, the Indian matchmaker says, you're not, you're going to be lucky if you get 60% of your wish list, you know, you want tall, you want, I did a meme here. This was a meme I posted on my Instagram the other day. You only get $5 to spend on the following. Ladies, you have $5 to build your ideal guy. If you want good looking, it's $3. If you want funny, it's $1. If you have smart, it's $1. If you want great in bed, it's $2. If you want faithful, it's $3. If you want wealthy, it's $3. No kids, $1. Tall, $1. Great body, $2. And romantic $2. Here's the list. Okay. Okay. Most everybody, men and women of life, they want everything on their list. And what I like about the Indian matchmaker is what they really emphasize what's most important. Here, I put this what's most important character, kindness, fun and playfulness, agreeableness. Are they a giver? And are they intentional? That's those are the most important qualities within a relationship. Yes, because the fact is for most of us in midlife, our looks aren't what they were in our 20s. And yes, we would all like to be physically attracted to our partner. And that's a fair thing to want. But sometimes we set up these rules and parameters in the dating process that excludes a lot of good people. And it's so confusing when you're dating multiple people at the same time. This is where it gets tricky. So again, my rule of thumb coming back to the question, first meet and greet. If you have first date, if you decide to meet again, that's the first date. If you decide to meet again, that's a second date. If by the third date, you're kissing one another, you're having a good time, then at least take the time, take a little bit of time to explore one person at a time instead of dating multiple people at the same time. Because quite frankly, if you're doing it and they're doing it, that's going to be problematic. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Well, please let me know. All right, I think you get to just where I'm going at this. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. If my content resonates with you, do me a favor. Please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery. Send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm going to sign up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Merrig of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, teddy bear or pillow. Give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.