 Mae gennym i amser, i gael ei tawr yn gwahanol mewn yw gwirionedd yn i weld y gwelio'r gwahanol, a i gwybod y cwmddur y cwmddur yn ymdweud y bydd yn ei ffordd i'r ffordd, ond mae'r gweithio ymddangos yn gwybod y pwg yw'r gweithiau. Mae'r ffordd gweithio'r ffordd o'r gweithi, boeddwch chi'n mynd i'r gwaith. Mae'n rhaid i'r gweithio. Mae wedi'n ffordd y ffordd, mae'r arsgwyl ar y gyrdd, pob yn gwneud yn gweithio'r gweithi. Byddwod regwydwch, rydyn ni'n gwych ei ddwy i fywodol. Ddiododd y g MARISHA, fel bod wedi'i'n meddwl'n ffordd o ddwy. Prydech yn ei ffordd hynny, roi meddwl i chi wedi gweld, yn ddigonio qugion i gweithio i gael ymlaen, ac nid ydych chi rydyn ni'n meddwl i'r五 o blynyn. Rydyn ni hefyd nad rydyn ni wedi'i pan lefynnol, erbyn i'r hwnnw, ond mae'n hollwch aes yw i'r peth, yng ngos, felly rydyn ni wedi eu gwneud o'i, a mae g yn gweithio i unrhyw mhag. Mae'n rhaid i'n fath o'r cymdeithasol ac mae'n bwysig i'r llythio i gyllid yn yr operatio, ac mae'r ad Nolan yn ei dda'r cyfrifyddiol. Gaen ni wedi gweithio i'r hyn o'r tynnu? Onw'r hyn yn ymwysig. Rhaid i'n gweithio i'r ymddangos? Rhaid i'n gweithio i'r hyn o'r cyfrifyddiol, Iwn i'n dod i'r ystyried, i'n rhaid o'r lland, a rhaid i'n meddwl i'w i'n meddwl gweld i ni'n gwerthion. I'n create yno. An i'n meddwl i'r newid, pan ti'n meddwl i'w eisiau Peirfond, rydych chi'n cael ei pan oedd i mi weld, oed yn gwneud y rhaid mewn gwirwyr arall. Rhaid i, rhaid i fewn i chi'n meddwl o'r ysbyte arall, a roedd i'n meddwl i'n meddwl o'r tro. Iaw yr ysbyteb yna'i ddynnu. Gallwn ni'n gafod крig, ddoi gylir clynyddu, ddärgydd yn gwneud o ddod hefyd, wrth gwrs petrwyr mewn amser, hefyd, gallwn i'r wneud ei fod ei ddarllen, mae gennym o'r ddechrau meddygau, ond bys i'r bwrdd ar adneud efallai iddy o'r casaniaeth. Ond yn fawr yn gael'r Gymru, yma yw Rhaid i'w gwneud yma? Yn mynd yn falch, bys. Mynd i'n gael, yn fawr. Ond, y dda i'r cymdeithydd, oedd y parw, Llanar Mcleane. Mae'r cyfnodd maen nhw'n tufnodd, 2 o 5 o 5 o 5 o 5 o gyffredig. Felly mae wedi bod yn ymddangos. Mae'r deithas mewn agor i gweithio. Mae 49 o gyllid. Mae'r deithas mewn agor i gweithio. Mae'r rhwng? Mae'r rhwng yn ymddangos. Mae'n cyfnodd maen nhw wedi bod yn dim, mae'n glennu'n cyfrifiad. Mae'r rhwng yn ymddangos, mae'r rhwng yn ei wneud ymddangos. Mae'r rhwng yn ymddangos, Mae'n dweud bod yn wneud ymlaen, yn cael ei bod yn ymlaen. Yn gyfan o'r awsiau, Caeli, mae'n gwael i'r gwirio ar y cyflawn, ac mae'n dweud i'r awsiau. Mae'n gwael i'r awsiau, yn ymlaen, ac mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio, gyda'r ymlaen a'u angen, byddwn yn dweud y cyflawn i'r awsiau i'r gwirio, nid yn siarad, fel y cyfrifio, fel y bydden nhw, Cynaen, rwy'n amser i'r ddod i'r ffordd i'r cyfrannu, ac yn ymddangosol yn ei wneud o'r iawn, rwy'n amser i'r ffordd. Rwy'n siarad o'r wneud o'r lŵp, nhw'n rwy'n diwg yng Nghymru. Oh, yna, mae fyddwch yn gweithio, mae wedi gweld rwy'n gweithio, mae'r ffoc yng nghymru. Mae'r ffoc yn llei'r ffoc, ond mae'n gweithio yn ddigon, fyddwch yn ei ddweud. Mae'r rhaid i'n gofynu i'r ddechrau. Ie, yn gweithio'r dweud ymdod i fynd i ddechrau. Felly, dwi'n gwybod ddim yn gweld'r ddechrau. Fy oedd yna speth. Fy oedd defnyddio, iawn. Yn ymlaen y byddai'n gweithio? Mae'r gael, fe cofnodd. Mae wedi cael ei bod yn dda, mae'n gael fagorol yn gweithio i'r gael, ac mae'n gweithio i'r gael sydd. Mae'r ddechrau'n gweithio i'r gael, Ac if had a day off I would never know! My mum knew. She was softer! Why was it so strict that your dad got to school? He did, but he didn't have a great education. I think he wanted me to have a good education. But I just think if it's in you academically, then it's there, but it just wasn't. I wasn't that great at school, but as a older I improved my education better. How did other parents in that treat you known who your dad was? Just normal, I think really because he was just that normal dad. I mean obviously if anyone overstepped the mark then you'd see the other side of him. But I had great friends and my parents got on with their parents really well as well so yeah, all good. You were abused as a kids girl is that correct? Yeah I was abused by an outsider. From the family? No. No. From a neighbour. It was a different kind of abuse because it was from a woman. I didn't say anything. felly was fy modw five, ac felly sydd yn ddigonol, dwi dwi'n gwybod siarad. Dwi dwi'n gwybod, ydych chi'n gwybod, a dweud i'w gofrindwch arbennig fi'n yn yma. Byddwn i'w bobl i gyda'r cyfragedol o'r llwysudd, i gyda'n ddweud o'r llwysydd, rydym efallai oherwydd'r gwahanol yn gyd ac fe dwi wedi bod yn cael ei gallun drwriting. Pan wnaeth drwy'r ddevwch ar gyfer ffrindwch arwain? Ac ydy'n mynd i fewn i'n gweld o'r amser a'r amser i'r ydydd i'n mynd i'w mynd i'ch gweithio arall. Felly mae'n gweld o'r amser i'r ymddangos. A hynny yn siarad, ac sy'n mynd i i'r ymdod, ac mae hynny'n gweithio arall. Mae'n gweithio arall, ac mae'r amser i'n gweld i'n mynd i'r ymdod, sy'n mynd i'ch gweithio arall. Mae'n gweithio arall. Ond yna, dyma'n dda chi'n gweithio arall, wedyn yn gweld i'n gweithio arall. Sorry, blank spot, not blank spot, blank spot. I think, you know, if he would have known, because it was a woman, obviously couldn't have it to her, and I think he would have probably gone and obviously done some damage to the family and probably been in prison for the rest of his life. So I probably mapped his life out for him. When did you start to realise what your dad was all about? A lot of fighting and stuff. Did you know from a very young age I was a little more in life? Like I said, it was nothing different to me. Because now people go to me, oh, your daddy was massive, loads of respect. His hands were like shovels. I did not see any of that. All I see was my dad. So we just thought he was a bent uncle fighter. Every couple months he'd have a fight. I'd come home with untold cash that he'd throw in the air me and my brother Nick, put under our pillar, had great fun with the money, had a different car every month. We just thought that was like just every family, I suppose. It wasn't until we got teenage years that we realised what sort of dad I suppose we had. What was it like when you used to come in with his face cut and hands cut? Never really seen my dad's face mark. I don't know why his nose went into a dodgy shape because he got older. Because I don't think he's ever got hit in the face. But his hands, yeah, you should always have two bowls. One was hot, one was cold. One was hot ice, then hot ice. And he'd just ice his hands till they went down. And obviously see the gunshot wound in his bum. Because your dad's had a tough upbringing. He had his legs broke and his jaw broke behind his stepdad. So Jimmy Spinks. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it was a wicked stepfather. And obviously as my dad started getting bigger and he could look after himself then obviously Jimmy left. But my mum asked my dad if he would not lay a hand on Jimmy and I respect my dad never did for his mum. Do you think that's how it conditioned your dad to being violent because of the beatings that he took as a kid? Well, I don't know because I work with children and some of them children have had hard upbringings. And a lot of people do try and blame it on to that. I don't think so. I think some of it is from that. Like where we probably got better as a child. But I think a lot of it as well is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Which I was diagnosed with at the age of 42. Bapolar? Yeah, well cyclophthmia. So it's a mild form of bipolar. It's not recognised and it is a redotry. So I do believe that my dad had it. But obviously he wasn't diagnosed with it. So it was a deafened personality. Is it teams? Yeah, well that's what it does. I could be talking to you now. And you will say something. I'll hear it completely different to someone else. So I have to sit and analyse everything someone says to me and I can't attend before I answer. Cos I can take it the wrong way. But since I've written my book, I have got full blown bipolar now. So what was it like in your teenage years? Were you angry trying to live up your dad's reputation? Being a girl, how hard was it for you? No, it wasn't really that hard. I never had to live up to his reputation I think. Because I was tough anyway. I was just one of them children. I wasn't frightened of anyone or anything. And everyone came up to me if there was any trouble. And I'd gone and saw it even at that young age. And everyone knew that I could look after myself. So I never really ever got in that situation where I was scared. Because I always took after myself. Were you in any feats at school yourself? Yeah, when I was younger I think when I first went to secondary school it was different then. So it was year one. The six formers were like picking on me. So the school sent me home. And my mum was thinking you've sent the wrong girl home. I never turned up at home like a couple of hours later. And when my mum come past the school all the six formers was on the floor. And I was standing around. And my mum said you just sent the wrong girl home. You know they thought they were sending me home to protect me. But I should have sent them home. So when you started getting older then were you working or anything? Did you get a job? Yeah. When I left school at 16 I decided to be a hairdresser. I think that was because I never had a lot of confidence in myself to go and get some other jobs. So with that it's like practical isn't it? Like you're cutting hair and things. So I thought it was easy. And I was very shy as a child as well unbelievably. But then I went and worked for my uncle in a pub. And it brought me out of my shell. And I worked behind the bar really for years. And now I'm back working at a school. Which I hated school as a child. But I'm actually working in a school. How are you enjoying that? Absolutely love it. I manage all the art school clubs. So I look after 28 children every night. All under the age of 10. I love it. The parents come in to pick them up. And I'm doing cartwheels across the hall. Playing football, run-outs. Everything with them all round the playground. I absolutely love it. It keeps me young. Why did you go for that job? What changed your career? I went for that job because of my children in a school. So I got all the holidays with them. And I didn't realise how it would make me feel working with children. And I definitely think that's my path in life. Because they just, even if I feel down, they just bring me out of myself. And they make me feel good. Did you try and protect your children because obviously you went through as a kid? I think I can relate to a lot of children that have had a bad start in life. Yeah, they seem to connect to me. And I just don't want to see kids upset. You know, you've got a lot of heartache when you grow up losing people, dealing with this, dealing with that. So I just want kids to be happy. How old are your kids, Kelly? 15 in May. So you never got to meet their granddad? No, but do you know what? It's like they knew him because I keep his memory alive in doors. And they met my mum. They was 18 months when she died. So they met my mum, but they don't remember her. But they love my mum and dad. I think it's because every day I talk about them. How old was your mum? My mum was 56 when she passed away. So both young to lose your parents? Yeah. How was it when your dad was at his rough years because your dad's been shot twice? Yeah. How was that when were you around? Can you remember when the first time he was shot? Well, I can remember because when he got shot the actual doorman next to him collapsed. So when the ambulance came along they just walked past my dad and went to the bancer that was on the floor. And my dad just stepped over him and walked to the hospital with all the cheeks of his bum. You know, where he'd been shot with a double barrel shotgun. Has he not chased? Like they're not getting shot with something, a motorbike or a moped and chased them down. I caught them. And then walked to the hospital. Was that a lot of shit? I think I read that somewhere. Yeah, no, because obviously as soon as they're shot they span off. Yeah. But yeah, no. So he walked to the hospital. He was in hospital for a little while but he played up so much in the hospital. They sent him home. Why? Well, he's a bit of a joker. So obviously there's people in there with oxygen and he's sitting there smoking. I mean, all of that ain't funny. So, you know, they're chucking him out so he can't smoke in here. Then they brought a blowcup and he was at an operation. He was stapled from like his neck down to his belly button and they said, Lenny, whatever you do, don't make him laugh. He said, I wouldn't do that. But when the nurses went my dad put his shoes on his knees and stood behind the curtains and opened it like he was small. And he said, I've just come to visit you and then I look right and burst that laugh and burst all the staples up. Because I know you were shot twice but one of the men who shot your dad was at Dalton. I think so, yeah. 1992, but Dalton ended up getting killed. I think your dad was questioned for it but he never got guilty or anything. No. I think that was the one where they broke in doors, wasn't it? Where they kicked the door and shot up the stairs. I think that was him that did that one. But I think there was a few people after that boy at that time. Because obviously your dad with the stories I think he was in a bare knuckle feet as well. Beat the man, broke his two hands but he's fucking windpipe out his neck. Well, I can't remember this because I was a baby but I can remember the stories my mum told. He literally came in one night. It is in my book and he was literally sick. My mum said there was big lumps and what have you been eating? He said I've just bit some mug's face off and that was obviously in drink. He stopped drinking at the age of 28. I think that was one of the teams he stopped drinking. I think he was drunk that night. He actually did kill someone and they brought this fella back to life four times on the operating theatre where my dad just bit all his face and I think that's what turned him knowing what kind of damage he can do in drink. Did he get charged with murder? I think he was a bouncer. He slapped someone and they felt dead. They got done for manslaughter but he got away with it. Yeah, well, he hit him because what it was, this young bloke he was obviously suffering from mental health and he didn't take his tablets. That's what we were told. So he was going around all the nightclubs weirn over children, masturbating, sorry, not children over kids, masturbating over teenagers and all that. So my dad took him in a room with his clothes because he was naked. He said to him, you need to get dressed and I think he was swinging pantries at my dad. My dad obviously hit him and knocked him out on the jaw but afterwards he was seen with police, firemen and everything but they tried to set my dad up for the murder. How was that for your family? How did your mum cope with police all the time and your dad coming in with the blood? How was it a lot of stress on her? Was she kind of used to it at that time? No, it did put a lot of stress on her and she was really ill and again that's another story that's in my book and she gave an outmate and she said it's either that life or us and he did turn from that day I think he stopped drinking and then it was a bit more bearable indoors. It wasn't the norm indoors, it was the only norm that we know the life. What was it like on a drink your dad? I just got off his head, one mouth and a drink and he just got right off his head. What was he, six feet free like 20 stones? He was six foot free, he used to have these things put on his shoes make him look like an inch taller so he was six foot full when he had his shoes on but no-one knew about that. Because he was a big lump and he's obviously very well respected the name of the governor. The story we're all sure which is massive that people still talk about to this day. Did they fight three times? Your dad won two. What is the real story behind all this? So I think the first fight, I don't remember this but I think the first fight. The first one? Yeah, but I think it was because my dad was at a breath. I don't think it was a knockout or anything. I think it was just he threw the towel in. I'm not sure, I'm not 100% sure on that but obviously the next fight my dad knocked him out of the ring that cost him 10 grand and Roy's shot and the one after that it was the one where my dad kept punching him in the corner and he knocked him down. So yeah I think the first fight he lost it was just because he never tried for it. It was a bit cocky my dad and he thought oh yeah I can do this. Thought he was unbeatable. Yeah and that's what it is. He underestimated himself. Cos he was a scrapper as well Roy's shot. Your documentaries. Why do you think they're still spoke about to this day guys like Roy's shot and Lenny McLean and the bare knuckle fighting. Why do you think it's so big? Well I think it's because they were different fights to now. When you go there was action and you're on the edge of your seat come on and all that. When you go and watch a fight now I'm just so bored. I fall asleep. I fall asleep. It's like they're not even really hitting. It's like a tiny little jab and I'm like oh how long is this going to go on for? Did you ever go and watch your dad's feet? No I never watched him fight like unlicensed or professional or whatever but I actually see him obviously round the flats when he'd gone on the turn. I mean I got jumped when I was about I don't know how I was about 13. It's in my book and they didn't know I was and I went and got my dad. So that was a funny night. Yeah so he knocked the fella out but not with a fist with a back hand. He had so many witnesses looking and that but yeah so that's in my book as well. Did he knock many people out with a back hander? Oh yeah. Just slapping people. They're like shovels. Just slapping people for fun. How was it? No it would never pick on anyone. Yeah no but do you know what I mean that if he slapped somebody he's going to knock you out as well. Yeah I mean it was you. I mean when people say you're real life Hulk I've actually seen my dad's clothes rip. When he used to go on the turn he used to double in size. You'd see him just literally expand and you'd see all his shirt like split. How long did it take him to come down from that with a genuine rush, bare knuckle feats and then come home. Was he still buzzing or did he take a couple of days to have calmed down? Well when he was fighting years ago Ben Huckle he was drinking so when he'd have a fight he'd obviously have a drink come in drunk and that's when he used to fold his money up in the air and then obviously he'd go sleep and sleep it off. So he'd wear the next day just normal get up training and everything. So I think he knew he was very cocky in himself. He knew that when he went to a fight as years went on he knew he was going to win. He knew he wasn't going to lose so I suppose he had the confidence behind him like that. What was Lenny McLean's training like for a feat? How hard did he train? Yeah he trained for a big bloke. He trained really well. He used to run 10 miles every day and he used to come in sweating. I think he picked up one of the heaviest weights only three people have done it in the country and he literally when he came in his face was completely full of blood, his eyes he burst every blood vessel in his face. Tried to lift the weight. He did it though. Ever take steroids or anything? Was it all natural? No all natural. Just a big fucking lump. I've got like I'm a cousin and he's like it. He don't train but he's just whipped and he looks really a lot like my dad, my cousin. How did people treat you when you were out together with your dad? Oh like role play. Every time I was at my dad said there's me girl, beautiful little girl. I was like God shut up. How was it for you to try to get a boyfriend? Was people scared to take you or did you keep it all under the radar? No I wasn't really one of them girls. I weren't really interested in boys. I was going to enjoy myself and my friend who always went on holidays. But yeah I think I had I think I had one date with a boy and that was it and they never turned back up. But I can't blame them. Yeah they probably shut themselves up. I can remember meeting someone and we went out for something to it and I do believe my dad's cancer started because it was very strange on this meal we didn't hardly say a word and the only thing he did say was he looked up and looked at the bloke and he said if you were I'll kill you. The only thing he said all night and I said to my mum I was finished because he ain't like that. He's not normally like that. Anyway the bloke didn't come back so. How did your dad do counselling? Did he ever go counselling? No therapy nothing. Well no because years ago it wasn't like it wasn't the infing was it. It weren't until I think Tony Sibrano in the Sibranos that actually see counselling that people thought hold on a minute they know people do actually do this. Too much pride to go and ask for help. I wouldn't go when I lost my mum and dad and I was self-arming also. I wouldn't go my husband kept booking it. I didn't want to go. I just thought I've got such a strong mind they're not going to help me and I avoided it. But when I did eventually go it really does help and it does work. It's shocking how much it does really help you. What made you go? Well I think what happened was when my mum died I literally when my girls was 18 months old so I literally just went home I dealt with my children. I just washed, cooked and cleaned and I didn't shed a tear. Two years later all hell broke loose. I was neurotic, depressed then I started self-arming really bad and it got to the point where literally an hour before getting on the plane I stood in the mirror and I just self-armed everywhere so all my face was cat weeping bleeding and I've got to say my husband's not a violent person but he just lost it and he strangled me. I can laugh at it but I literally couldn't even see anything the room was going dark and I thought this is it. I didn't fight back Eva and I just think it took its toll when I knew that I had to do something because my marriage was breaking up my kids needed me and I was just going down and down that wrong road. How long did that road last before you eventually it came to a head? Was that just years and years from a kid or was that later on in life? Well I put the self-arming down to losing my mum and dad but when I look back I think it was obviously because of the abuse so it could have been because of that and it just went on for years and what happens then I'll pick then when it'll clear up and I can see I look clear I'll pick again. I think it was just this anger knowing that I've got this house I've bought this house we live in a nice area because my mum and dad's dead they left me money all back and live in a cardboard box for my mum and dad so it just went on for years and I was getting no better but I did say to my husband what'll happen is one day I will wake up and I won't do nothing and he couldn't cope with that because I woke up one morning and didn't pick no more and that was the end of it and then I went into cancelling What were you doing self-arming ways? I still got the mirror now I hate it so I got the mirror in my dad's there's toilet I just used to go and put the kids to bed into that toilet with a needle, pair of scissors just literally pick away and I just didn't realise where the time had gone from eight o'clock at night to six in the morning I'm still looking in that mirror now I know I've done damage and I've only got now two hours before my girls wake up to cover it up and there's no way you're going to cover it up because it's weeping routine every Wednesday night I used to do that I don't know why it was a Wednesday night and so I weren't well for work and then they realised the pattern that it was every Thursday I wouldn't turn up for work and I got called in and I told them the truth and I got to say my school stopped by me if it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be I've still got that job and now I'm manager of the half school club and I've done well and I thank my school for that as well because if they wouldn't have backed me up I wouldn't have had a job would I have gone further down that dark road Why your first day was that a day that your mum and dad died? I don't know, I don't know why I can't even put my head on it but it'll be a Wednesday night so the first morning on Friday I wouldn't go work then I've got all weekend perhaps it was that, perhaps I knew I could have two days off and then I've got Saturday and Sunday for it to clear up so I'll go back to work Monday How was that for your husband? A lot of pressure and stress This is why I said that he's strangled me he's not a violent person he just couldn't take anymore he thought that the best way if I was gone perhaps I'd be at peace Did he try to kill you? Yeah, not meaning it because I put it in my book He just snapped He snapped it's an hour before we were getting on the plane a couple of hours before we were getting on the plane now he's got a look at me now at the beach until the sun clears it up in five days Hold these over then They've been over then Exactly, yes I've ruined half the holiday but I couldn't stop it you don't even know you're doing it you just stand in this mirror and then all of a sudden eight hours has gone past What age were you when you first started? I think how... I was 27 when my dad died probably about 25 I started self-arming Just before he died? Did your dad know this? Yeah How bad it was I can remember one night waking up in my flat going to get a drink and I see something in the corner of my eye and I thought it was a rat so I literally run straight into my bedroom sat behind my door and just crunched my face kept crunching it, picking it with my fingers and the next day it was just cut to pieces and I had to go and live with my mum and dad because my head just went I couldn't focus on nothing I just kept seeing things and everything and then I was staying at my mum's and I said to my mum, there's a black thing on my back can you get it? and I was really skinny as well because I had anorexic and my mum shouted at me dad have a look he went she's got AIDS so my dad went what? she went she's got all these black things all over her but what it was where I kept thinking something was on me and I had to go and live with my mum for free but a star young age though to begin through all that shit that just shows you obviously the trauma you'd went through because people say who are bare knuckle fighters are boxers even people who train extreme is a sense of self harming so even though your dad fighting all the time that's a sense of if you say you're bipolar and you've seen your traits and you're dad you're probably exactly like your dad has escaped and the fact that he's had would have been a sense of self harming but it would have been accepted because it's been feeding and it's a pain relief when I get the scab and I put the scab off it's so painful but it's like the pain's gone I can't explain it but I'd never do it again I know that I know that in my head I would never do it again I can feel strong and I am a strong person and I've been through Helen back really since I've been little with the abuse self harming plus when I got nicked I had anorexia which went into bulimia and then depression I tried to take my own life but that's in the book also so I have been through quite a lot so I've got to be some sort of strong character to still be in there yeah of course but I'll say that your darkest days your days of trauma as well you will keep fighting and push through and if you push through you will eventually get light and then you can eventually start helping others but obviously with the life you went through strong man, king of the cobbles everybody loved them showing them respect that plays a massive effect on kids life as well do you know what I mean so it must have been difficult how was someone your dad got the jail what age were you then so I must have been about 18 not very 18, 19 why did that affect you so much I don't think that affected me that's why at the anorexia but what it was because he was in prison I got away with not eating and throwing my dinners away no one took any notice of me because everyone was just interested in obviously my dad because we knew he wasn't guilty of that murder so I was getting away with throwing my foods and why no one noticed but then when he got not guilty of murder everyone then just spun around and stared at me like my trousers used to wrap around me 8 times and then the pressure was on and it got worse I think because then they were all asking me questions and it was just too much my brain couldn't take it was the police when your dad was getting the jail and stuff were you still getting questioned were you getting harassed off the corpus or anything no no I got to give them their joe they never ever ever come in and took liberties indoors I can remember when my dad was obviously on remark there was a knock at the door and it was the place and they came and searched the ass while I was in there but they never took liberties oh really good that's not too bad because sometimes you usually put the pressure on the kids or the family and fuck them over to get the other person to crack what was your dad like in prison did you ever visit them very boring well it was interesting it was my mum so there's a funny story again in my book we used to go and visit my dad and it would just be like yeah you alright and then he just completely focused straight on my mum he just loved her to bits and she used to come home sometimes from a visit and she used to look really rough I would say bad visit she would just go I can't take any more because she used to go everyday and because the screws were frightening of my dad they never said his visit was over so she was there from 8-6 o'clock yeah they wouldn't tell him that his visit was over so my mum was just drained so she would say well you've got to start coming on visits so me and my brother would be raring who's going and then when I come back I said to Jamie I wonder why she looks wrecked he ain't from the visit dad he's been kissing her full bone kissing front of me I've never said a son baris in all my life tongues and everything and when I ease up how did that affect your brother yeah I think he was the same with me we just cope with things it's a point of the way you've been brought up and that you have to cope we've had a different lifestyle to everyone else I suppose and I have had a hard life but I wouldn't change it for the world it's definitely been interesting to say the least what kind of characters were you meeting through your dad's journey all fucking nutcases yeah like loads like yeah I mean he never really brought like too much on more like mates you know that he brought in and that but he never really took any notice because someone asked me this a couple of years ago they said when someone was in your ass did you hear any of the conversations I was like 16, 17 I didn't really I didn't see my dad as he is like when I opened a site I think it was about five years ago on Facebook I mean I've got 23,000 people following me on Facebook now and I have people say like his hands were like shovels I go really? then when I look back at pictures I go wow yeah they was big but you don't notice that because he's your dad because you're in his presence all the time how does it feel that people even sit and do these people are still interested how does it feel obviously because you've lived that life you're there it won't seem as big but for people looking outside people love the kind of gangster shit the villains it's people are weird like that's what sells my ass you all that because really he wasn't he's not a criminal and he definitely wasn't a gangster he was just a one man show and that's why with my site it's just based on my dad nothing else it still does bug me now I get inboxes from people they go I can't believe I'm talking to Lenny McLean's daughter and my mate goes really? I go yeah I say well you know what he's a little bit of a celebrity you know and it's nice I don't think he realised the impact he had on people and I think if he was looking down now I definitely think he would have a big smile on his face because he I don't get me wrong I do have some hate mail as well come and I do but most of it it's all good and he's highly respected and damn right as well because you know he only done things because he put steam on the table for us as a family How many fights do you think he's had all in? is it through between two and three thousand? Oh god I don't know what I wouldn't even like to start counting It is weird that people do interact and love because a lot of the documentary how many books has your dad got one book the governor which has ended up best seller yeah he's got one book sorry the governor then I've got married with the governor my mum and I've got my book out my dad the governor and there's another one the governor through everyone else's eyes is that a book? yeah that's from Anthony Thomas he's a bloke years and years ago approached my mum and said can I open a web page well we obviously didn't know how to use all the computers so my mum said yeah sure 25 years and so then he asked if he could do a book based on my dad so my mum said yeah and then you've got Lee Wortley that's bought a book out also and he was the ghost writer on my book and I do believe he's now becoming like my recognizer and author How many people get these books? Anywhere they're worldwide Amazon, any bookstore You had a book from him but you left in the house I know he's going to mention that so if you give me your address I'm going to send it straight off to you so we'll leave all the links for the books in the description so going forward as well all your documentaries your dad there's loads out there how did people have all that footage from so many years ago as well was everything done filmed? I suppose it's the internet isn't it where they get it all from I've got free bags worth of videotapes but there's so many and then I'll just take a video from my phone and then I'll upload them but I have had some professional videos put together as well that I use on my site Cos your dad's got a film as well the governor Yeah, yeah That's my brother's project Because there's just so much stuff but all this stuff is recent What about when you got your phone from phone call from Guy Ritchie to Ben Lockstock? I can't really remember that one but I do remember Guy Ritchie coming round Cos obviously my dad was up to be in the next film so it snatched afterwards wasn't it and then when he came in he just muckin about because he knew my dad weren't well but he didn't know why or what he had and he said whatever you do then don't die before the next film snatched and he said well I will I'll be dead in six months and with that Guy Ritchie he fainted and my mum went that ain't funny and he looked at my mum and he said he's telling the truth and my mum said Jay's got lung cancer and it was guy because obviously he was his next step to stardom was going to be a miracle in my dad Yeah because if he was only 47, 48 when all that stuff came out then they still had tears because they back into all that shit all the bare knuckle fighting and rough looking James Bond villains Do you know what I mean? That's the thing that there's still opportunities for there even people in prison like I and I've got a lot of criminals and people I've got a lot of assholes on as well trying to pull it over people's eyes but there's people out there genuinely changing opportunities that come their way from book deals, documentaries, films because people buy it, yeah This is what I would like from my from my book I would like a box set I think a box set would be good because when there's a lot in there my book's like a rollercoaster at the beginning it's funny then when it goes into like the cancer my dad's cancer and the death of him and then afterwards in my recovery after it's very up and down a lot of people have told me they've got to put the book down they haven't been able to read the ending for a couple of days because they were crying What about your dad? Was your dad a heavy smoker? How many fags? It rolled up, he was old open old open, not fags it's a shame because I used to go running with him, he'd run 10 miles and then he'd get straight on like the boot of the car, sit on it and then roll up and he'd run, a very fit man but he smoked Who was that when you found out you had cancer? It was devastating you never think anything is going to happen to him he's like I can remember coming in one day and he was in the conservatory and I sat on his lap and I was cuddling him and he had a lot of tear going down his eye and I said to him when you go up to Evan can you come down just to let me know there is a place up there I said at least I know that you've gone somewhere and he just cuddled me even tighter he was a strong man though he never took no pain killers, no pain relief nothing because he protected us till the end, he said if anyone knocks on that door I ain't going to be drugged up with medicated prescriptions he said I want my wits about me so he was still protecting us even to the end Did he go for chemo or anything? I don't know, it wasn't worth it he had radiotherapy to help with his breathing and his lung and it went to his brain as well but he had his wits about him they said to my mum that he won't be able to get out of bed for a little while and my mum said the day he won't be able to get out of bed to be the day Lennie McLean dies he said he ain't that kind of man and my dad, I say he beat the cancer the cancer never beat him because he died with all his dignity and he was like now he's written it was the heaviest coffin they've ever given how many bodies were on it how many bodies? my dad was the same my dad passed away when he was a 17 stone unit and to see him deteriorate it's fucking horrible so he didn't deteriorate I didn't know this is what I'm saying he was still waiting in stone when he died because when he died I didn't go downstairs in the kitchen he didn't lose anything like two or three weeks before his death I said like oh my god I said are they going to carry him downstairs because he got diabetic my dad when he got cancer so I used to go and get him great big cream cakes and the McLean nurse said that's not good for him I said does it really matter what he ate he's going to be dead in three months he just used to eat a lot but the more sugary I had funny enough the better day he had so you see people stop smoking at 70 and end up dying weeks later I think once you've passed people can make changes but once you've been told did they get told he's had six months to get live yeah yeah because what happened was when he went in hospital my mum said to the young doctor whatever you do do not tell Lenny anything until I'm here they went no we won't my mum was ten minutes late my dad rang up and he said the doctor's been around got six months to live my mum was fuming they don't hold nothing no more do they they just tell you straight away but my mum pleaded with him not to tell him until I'm there so when we went up the hospital it was devastating and I just run straight over to him and couldn't let him go did you ever see your dad cry? he had a tear on his eye that day the only other time I've seen my dad's show really really strong emotion is we had a snapshot of Bulgaria and she was 18 when she died and my dad absolutely loved that dog and we had the vet come home and put her down and he said to the vet don't you pick that dog up and he went Jamie you get the dog he said I can't have anyone else touch that dog and you dare put that dog in a black bag and he went in the front room he couldn't even see he couldn't even wash them while they took that dog out it was gated that's heartbreaking I was gutted if my dog died we were the same but we just buried the dog in the garden we're still got our ashes I know it sounds silly but I can't face to bury ladies because that's the only thing I've got left for my childhood but I should really spread our ashes where my mum and dad is but I can't do it it's just like dogs are I mean I've got a dog now it's a religious name means happy with all this doom and gloom in the world I thought I'll start off with some positive stuff and he's absolutely lovely people like us really shouldn't have animals so when your old boy passed away and then you're fucking mum how would you think what was going through your mind did you know your mum was going to pass as well or was that a broken heart she died with yeah my mum was my soul mate I got some funny stories about me and my mum but she wasn't well for a little while my mum had a thyroid problem and she had Graze disease so every time she went dots I said Valerie don't worry there's nothing wrong with me it's all the it's all the umphiroid don't worry you ain't got lung cancer went for a test shadow on the heart yes it's only small it's nothing yet lung cancer then she started feeling funny all her bones and everything and I felt I got bone cancer they went value I've not got bone cancer went to the doctor's test yes she got bone cancer so upset so disappointed with her doctor's surgery because they should have spotted that she wasn't smoking she was going swimming she really did try and turn her life around but I do believe sometimes your life's mapped out yeah I'm the same I think a blueprint's already there and people coming to your life then they go and life is a rollercoaster even though you're feeling great now I'm feeling great there's a bit more shit well this is why what's happening in the world I live in a fairy tale world my husband goes you don't live in the real world I said who wants to live in the real world I said your life's too short I live every day like it's my last I don't focus on too much of the future do you take me a decation or anything yeah I'm on a mood stabiliser what's that just to what's that do I forgot to take it this morning hide the knaves I take a mood stabiliser in the morning so that level of low and I don't have high so I'll stay in the middle but I do sometimes miss that ipo thing so sometimes every now and then I come off of them for a little while and they're alright for a couple of weeks but then I start draining people not where I'm sort of too overpowering start cracking up yeah then I'm bouncing off every wall then I'm addicted to something I'll get addicted to crocheting believe it or not and then we can't move my fingers what's that wax, gloves anything and then I'll decorate the oas I can't stop then I can't breath that I want to keep talking so that's why so is that they just like nuns your brain just silence is that do you feel that though and you think your bastards are shutting me down it is a shame I don't just rely on the tablet I have to follow a routine yn y gallu drafn. Felly a'r llysau iddynt. Rydyn ni wedi bod yn gweithio, rŵn bwernau, rydyn ni wedi bod yn yn yr unig. Felly, rydyn ni'n gweithio, yn amlwg gyntaf, rydyn ni'n gweithio gyntaf i rhan i dda i'r cheyffyr. Felly, ddi Cycotic tablets of a night um cwitai pin, but they're well known for putting on weight but I can't sleep otherwise I have to have them but I'd rather have no sleep. What happens if you come off everything? I'm just like it's just all mum... Going to explode. What about like yoga, meditation, anything like that? Would you do any of that stuff? Yeah I mean I try really, I try really hard. My husband does a lot of yoga actually but obviously with all these lockdowns now so you can do it from year of the zoom but I don't think it's the same is it? Shake man, yeah. Then going as a class so but yeah I normally train so I train where I eat well then I feel healthy in my head because I don't like self-conscious at the moment, I don't like that I've put this stone on you know so then that sort of brings me down a bit so I know I have to get back on sort of like a routine. You're identifying with it and you know you can make a few changes couple of weeks and I always research stuff now like I have sometimes people say things to me just to wind me up but I now know that you've always got these people that thrive on negativity so I won't let them get under my skin. What kind of people trolls? Yeah some trolls and I can't say too much but I've got someone that obviously always tries to wind me up and I know that they're thriving off of me so I won't retaliate anymore. Yeah silence is golden, silence is golden. That's what I've learnt like just keep doing what you do. I mean I put a video up the other day um because I've done a pubcast the other day. Yeah Billy Mule shout out to my good friend Billy Mule. I believe. Yeah he's a great guy man and someone said I was your rare meant to look like that and I just thought and I went why are you jealous then I just blocked him so they're obviously trolls I don't know. People just talk shit doesn't matter what you do you can do the best thing in the world and there's going to be negativity towards that you just got to. I mean I get you can imagine I've got 23 000 people on Facebook so you can imagine they message me all the time and I answer every single one of my messages as well. But that'll fuck we unmeaned as well. Yeah but do you know what they they're quite most of them are nice most of the messages are really good and really um like they boost me up and and they think I'm doing the right thing by keeping my dad's memory alive because of the impact and the messages I get are amazing you know and obviously I've started to get some like if I put a picture up now of me it gets more likes than my dad. So sorry dad but I'm overtaking you. Yeah so yeah. I don't think you would mind. No. So after all that then through all the trauma all the pain mum and dad going battling from suicidal thoughts how has life been over the last five years 10 years? Um so right so when my mum when my mum died obviously she was my soulmate. When was that 2000? Oh god that was 10 years so it was 10 years after my dad so yeah it would have been there. 2010 then. So um yeah so when she died my life just crumbled and I wanted to die I didn't want to live but now I actually want to live. I want to I want to do things and I want to go out you know otherwise I can easily sit indoors and not go work come home don't don't interact with anyone I can be one of them because I do like my own company. You drinking or anything drugs? No no I don't really drink I've got to be honest I drink on holiday might drink over Christmas. What do you like on the booze? No depends on what drink it is. The vodka foxy up. Yeah see I can't stand the smell of vodka but I used to drink brandy. Yeah see I like Jack Daniels or Captain Morgan I'm a dark spirit but my dad was a dark spirit but if I'm out in the wrong crowd and someone says something I'm going to turn straight away and then I can't I can't snap out of it all night. How long does it take you to snap out these weeks? No all night yeah the next day. Still thinking about it. Then I'm one of them if I've got a beer me bonnet I will not give up. Like me and my husband did this a couple of years ago and I said something so I want to do this so now he knows he's not going to do it so he's just put the phone down but he's asked his mate to ring me so he's rang his mate up and he said will you ring Kelly she won't she won't give up on this I'm not doing it it was something to do with like reinvesting something anyway so his mate rang him back he said I've got to go and have a sleep he said why are you all right he said she's drained me he said I've been on the phone five minutes he said she ain't come up for air she won't let me even get a word in edge ways and she ain't having it it's her decision on no way even but that's why I didn't ring her back if I'm on one then I won't I won't give up she's best to let you know just let you do your thing and this is why I think me and Scott get on I mean the man needs a medal I don't even want to say that though I think you're right I mean I am don't get me wrong I'm hard work to live with you wouldn't know that Kelly do you stay away from the fucking Jack Daniels on it yeah I am hard work and and and he's quite placid even though he's like six foot four and he's quite a lumpy self he just he just literally walks past me and goes bed he just ignores me and I think sometimes best way to be yeah because if he says it and it just you know as you're going to erupt like a fucking volcano yeah my girls go you're very scary my mate your eyes but that's just all the shit that you've been through as well even though the innocent kid is younger it's the shit that you see it's your dad been in prisons it's the fights and then the reputation and your dad's got we like you can block it all out but every like person I've spoke to that's connected to people who are involved in crime or fights whatever they do battle with some sort of trauma and pain like do we really know anybody that it's been through that life that's just walking about the streets singing no it doesn't happen when I see when I see someone walk about and they've got a green on their face purple green I think really is anyone really happy is anyone really happy you know I think there is happy people that I'm the same I'm constantly battling like for the fucked up shit that I've came from and mannered demons life is good from the outside but I'm still battling like I'm doing a six week documentary right now we've got one week to go that's why the beard and the back was just to make some changes yeah I thought I thought he was going to turn it to Favre Christmas yeah yeah maybe that could be my next documentary it's like I identify what needs to be changed as well like I'm not drinking I'm not taking drugs I'm not gambling life is good yeah but I still want to work on myself more because there's always obstacles well of course there is yeah and and and people do that so you foul so you need to just you know I sometimes look in the mirror and think you know what I'm going to give this all up I'm not this was when I was writing my book I'm not going to finish my book give the site up you know I can't be bothered anymore then I go back in the same mirror and I think no you ain't doing none of that you're learning his daughter come on you're strong you can do this and 23,000 members later I've done it I mean I've worked hard at it and I've got a lot of respect on my side not because of who my dad is but because of who I am well yeah well you've clearly not gave up even the days that you probably feel that fucking jumping off I I breathed it well yeah like when I first ripped my book I thought I had a book there well when I typed it up I had something like 10 or 15,000 words I thought oh my god I thought I can't give it up so I've told everyone but I'm you know I've done it in the end how many words is on a book oh god I think you've got to have at least about 70,000 isn't you that's a lot yeah and I only had like 10,000 I thought I did it how was it you completed your book because in the document and that's podcast but no you've got a book out so we'll leave everything in the description people how was it you completed the book oh was it emotional reading it do you know what believe it or not right in the book the only emotional bit about it was writing about my children because um I was self arming when they needed me the most and that I regret that for the rest of my life and I wish I could turn the clocks back I don't wish I could turn the clocks back and I never self arm because that was the way I cope with things least I didn't go out and then take drugs I didn't drink I didn't mug anyone I didn't steal anything I hurt myself punished myself but I wish I didn't do it when my kids needed me the most that was so I left my husband with loads of pointers and I said I can't do that but you were there you lived it you'll have to write that piece for me yeah how hard is that when your mind is like that knowing that you've got kids knowing that because the people I've spoke to on the show that's trying to commit suicide in the field at the attempt maybe the ropes snapped or something's just happened but they didn't want to do it anymore when they were doing it their first reaction in their mind is I don't want to die I don't want to do it yeah see I never had children when I tried to commit suicide and I left the note and I literally went to go toilet in the night and I collapsed so I thought oh Sandy it's working and I woke up the next day so obviously wasn't my time what did you take just whatever tablets was in the cupboard everything do you know but obviously I just woke up you know I just I left the note and everything my mum found me she looked through the letterbox I was on the floor and she was screaming my name and obviously I woke up you know and I didn't want to live them but I want I want to live their life you've got so much in life enjoy it you know you never know when your time's up yeah everybody's got something to offer in life everybody's working and can do good things and always remember what you've got not what you can have like my husband says to me look what you've got you've got two beautiful children I mean I've got my house I've got my husband I've got a great job I work with I love working with children he said don't look at what you ain't got look at what you have got and that's what I do now that's the main objective look I think we can be greedy in life I think we're always chasing more including myself that's why I've took a six week kind of break like is to step back yeah and just look at everything go get a minute man I'm doing great yeah so what is that why you're not shaving yeah I was not shaving for six weeks like six weeks is no social media going vegan yoga every day meditation every day exercise and cold water therapy so everything natural do you know what funny you stand there every day I have a shower then I turn it on freezing cold until my body goes in shock I've done that for years so that's good for you yeah it's good for mental health my mates go you mad so now stand there till I'm actually nearly in shock and then I'll get out the cool water's good for yeah anxiety loads anxiety loads depression good for the skin good for the mind and food um and like fizzy drinks is no good like in sweets all for mental health see I'm a pescaterian so I have fish and egg I did try and be a vegan I couldn't do it yeah I was veggie for two years yeah and then I ended up doing a documentary after I came back I ended up craving chicken yeah that's me vegan ah yeah vegans because the Sainsbury's haven't got a Sainsbury's because I was struggling at the start yeah it's like it's fucking terrible and then I started to go to Sainsbury's got a big selection at just everything vegan man and it tastes good but not necessarily I'm not going to be here and say everybody go vegan because I don't know everything about it it's just working for me people can do what the fuck they want there's people who love to 90 and eat meat and smoke I watched a programme once on two towns right next to each other one cemetery in there that was all dead 49 55 and things like this other cemetery all 90 and 80 and this this one obviously had a really healthy lifestyle and the other town never so it proves I think it is it does it what what you eat does definitely shape your life definitely your guts connected to your brain yeah so what you are with heat so if you're eating like shit then you're going to be feeling like shit well that's what I've been doing for the last couple of weeks so I just feel like crap inside so you'll be battling again but you need to identify with that and jump on in now yeah well I have so Mandy morning because I'm going to get myself something naughty to eat tonight yeah it's always Monday on it so Mandy morning I'm going to go back straight back running and everything so I mean my husband's done about 12 marathons he runs marathons every year that's how he'll be bang on the ball then that's how he's saying if he doesn't do that if he was to sit on each walker yours two are just fucking kill each other then I mean he's he's not got an answer fat on him you know I mean he's full he's full he ate probably just out running and thinking okay 10 mile I may as well just do another 10 so I don't need to go home to let me calm down yeah watch what you're saying is that where he does runs marathons yeah he does you know what I'm upstairs I'm upstairs I didn't he goes who's up there where I go no when he says we ain't stopped chatting I said well yeah no said listen I'm not answering myself back well fair play man but it is tough to to make changes in life it is tough especially I've never self harmed myself I've seen that taking drinking drugs is a sense of self harming for me it was taking drugs were probably an escape to yeah well you sometimes yourself medicate yeah so it is a kind of it all goes hand in hand like I loved myself too much to try and I was a posing bastard so I didn't want to do anything but yeah you know a fair play for making the changes and kicking on and basically want to live like yeah everybody's got something to give life no matter how much darkness you've got then you can be relate for other people exactly yeah I mean I've got something as well what Billy said to me Billy said something to me and someone said something to my dad a long time ago I said you'll be good at this try it Billy said the same thing so I've got something up my sleeve that I want to you know try and do so perhaps I might be interviewing you next time yeah man get it going so I say the same to Billy like this is fairy pen stuff on me like yeah these are just like fairy pen sessions we're just sitting there's no big notes or questions we're just talking about life and people can connect because it's real yeah and it's raw there's no bullshit there's no sugar coating it's just fucking life man like you look at Lenny McLean that everybody thinks he'll be untouchable Superman he's not gonna die well yeah this is what we thought yeah I mean so nobody's untouchable me meant I think I'm unbreakable though mentally I'm definitely not untouchable but mentally I've conditioned myself through the years of misery and I've been about education to understand the brain that wait a minute people are going up against the grain if they're going to try and come and destroy me because they're going up against a different fucking animal that mentally I've come through so much that but you still need to keep on top of it well it's like when I went I went off my head for three months and like now I won't let nothing now and that like that and never gonna happen to me again because I focus my brain too strong now I won't let anything get in my head that much that will make me go like that ever again in my I was frightened of my own shadow and that your mind is just a weird it plays weird tricks on you but I'm focusing it stronger now I won't I won't let anyone get in my head like that yeah no mind I'm not retaliating to anyone anymore I'm just gonna go just walk keep walking straight on and just ignore and just don't retaliate and don't let people get under your skin you're better than that and that's the way I see it that's the difficult thing because we're we've all get ego we've all get pride we think fuck it who are you talking to yeah don't get me wrong I do want to say that sometimes or you know just steal your energy but if you're the kind of person that will not sleep at night through it no and it's best yours to step back because they eventually fizzle out yeah see the thing is up listen I've screamed in honour of the people I still make the mistake I'm 49 coming up in May and I still make that mistake and I screamed in honour of the others at someone a couple months ago but I couldn't sleep so two in the morning I sent them a message apologising I know when I'm in the wrong and I apologise but a lot of people out there don't and that's what makes me a better person I think anyway best you're stepping back let them deal with it and anyway I can't really resort to violence because I actually who's is this this is down your knee oh god who's it who's is this this is um I'll support a campaign with Tony Turner so it's changing I put down your knife um so we just want to make awareness of that really because I don't think the children realise you know that um or kids or whatever when you pick up nice and you stab someone the damage you aren't actually going to shout out to Tony because I had Linda Calvary last week I had Linda on a couple of two weeks ago last week Linda's went out the black widow yeah good yeah she's crazy as well Linda man yeah you interviewed someone on her as well Paul Paul Ferris yeah and all Paul will man yeah yeah yeah he lives in the amazing in Marmana yeah good guide man yeah yeah what a fucking story he's got from the past but just goes to show that people can't change and exactly yeah I'm very close to Paul now so yeah it's funny though that through your old boy that people you've been connected with as well and yeah well he's he's friends with my husband so those are trained together a lot with the tumors open yeah yeah so cool how's your husband now then how does he deal with oh he must be proud of you though to make the changes because he must have been worried at certain points yeah I mean you know he was proud of me I've done the book and everything I've got to be honest and so now he ain't a great lover on the social media side of what I do like me and in my facebook because as you can imagine I've got 23,000 probably 20,000 of them are men and they do overstep the mark sometimes I get inboxes oh can I take you out I said like I am got a partner they still carry on and on and obviously I don't know I'll show him because I'm not hiding anything but and that's why I think he don't like that side of it but he supports me yeah but he supports me and all the other stuff he hates it when I go off the rails like I am now with eating not training because he knows that's not me because he knows how far you can go though yeah and you're in that dark place yeah and he knows that um like when I'm focused on my training like nothing's in the way you know and obviously with the new dog we've got that's really good for your mental health because I can't just sit in all day I've got to take that dog out so that helps as well to get it out fresh here yeah exercise is key for anybody man just getting out a bit of fresh air just a bit of walking whatever it is just obviously lockdown has been a bit of pressure on you as well kind of stuck in the house well do you know a funny enough this lockdown I've gained another job so I've got three jobs now what is that what are they well the other one is obviously I do a midday assistant in the school looking after a bubble of children to help with the teachers and I am manager of the after school club then I lock the school up at the end so I just go around checking everything and the offices and everything then I look up so that's another little extra bit so it's all in the same building but um and I get all the holidays every six weeks I'm off I'm sorry and the schools are always obviously my my daughters just went back to school there and then now they're just took two weeks off for Easter yeah lovely isn't it yeah sometimes they're like hurry hurry on get all the skills back home they seem to always be closed you packed the right job I've got to be yeah I've got to be honest when we broke up for the six weeks holiday after about four weeks I'm needing to get back because I need to get back into a routine and I feel myself slipping and I really love the after school club I mean I'm not I'm I was shy when I was young I'm not one bit shy we've got all the windows open all the parents are there and I'm sad and they're dancing with the kids and that I don't care they're all looking at you about a purpose now when you realize that wait a minute you know how fast that is for you to get took away as well so it's trying to enjoy every moment I can remember there's a lady where I live Sarah I know little boy Lenny funny name he's built like my dad because I said you've cursed him with that name and he is proper like he's got a like a mean left duck as well because he hit my little dog was deflying and every time he sees me I never forget this he says um you're always smiling you're always happy isn't you and I said to Sarah ain't he lovely little does he know I'm broken but see our kids the kids they fetched like the nice side out of me as soon as I see him my face is grinning yeah I just yeah sorry for anybody watching it's maybe going through a struggle but at that time maybe self-harmonyn anorexic whatever battles I've been what advice would you give for them for people um ask for help definitely I mean I never asked for any help and I never believed that it would work I thought I had too much of a strong mind for for um cancelling to help it really does help please don't sit back and suffer in silence that's all I'd say you just need to speak out and and don't be scared to ask someone for help because I think that you know I never did and but that you have to be ready you can't force yourself you've got to be ready to do it like don't let anyone force you into it you need to be ready yeah before we finish up Keir how would you like to promote your book very well today um anything else you'd like to promote us all your social media links we can buy your book on amazon but what other things would you like to promote I'd like to promote my youtube channel okay what's that called um well it's just under my name yeah Kelly McLean I haven't really changed any names on it yet so you can find me on there if you can subscribe to my youtube channel please um also my site dedicated to my dad the governor the official Lenny McLean site um there's all new stuff on there also my book my dad the governor by Kelly McLean and sorry can I just say hello to my children friends and Ruby my mate Karen thank you Ellen for chaufforing me today Danny and Scott hello yeah well done Keir for coming on today until I've thoroughly enjoyed that keep fighting a good fight and God bless you I will then I'll interview you next time yes anytime check out more of my podcasts on the right and be sure to like share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you