 For the safety of your smile use pepsi then twice a day see your dentist twice a year Lever Brothers Company presents the pepsi then show my friend Irma created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane A pip of a day at 8 o'clock this morning the doorbell rang and I opened the door How do you do? I'm the census taker your name of Jane Stacy married or single single born at 1925 Thank you, and your name is Irma Peterson married or single single born I got here Well, that's how this morning began and by the time the poor census taker was through with Irma She had the book in her hand, and she was asking him questions And I was trying to drag her out of the apartment because I knew we'd both be late for work So I finally succeeded in dragging her to the subway station, and here we are. Oh Irma, what are you doing? I want to see what I weigh on this scale. Well, hurry honey. If we miss this train, we'll be late for work All right Jane. Irma our train is coming in. Will you please get off that scale? I can't. What do you mean? You can't. You've already weighed yourself. I know but on the back of a little card that came out It says things are going nicely for you. Don't move from your pleasant position Good morning me miss Peterson the phone's been ringing all morning, and I can't find it Where is it? Oh the phone? Oh, I put it in the safe because of the letter you got yesterday You mean that standard form in which they said they'd shut off the phone if we didn't pay the bill Yes, so I put the telephone in the safe so in case they call up they can see we have money Maybe I'll pick ridiculous answer that phone. Will you yes, sir? It's judge Randall mr. Clyde. Oh, yes Yes, tell him I'd like to postpone the hearing on the Benson divorce case because the wife is out of town and the complainant is Indisposed understand certainly hello judge Randall Well, mr. Clyde wants you to postpone the case because he's indisposed out of town with your wife any complaints Peterson give me that phone. Hello judge. This is Clyde. I'm awfully sorry you see it oh You understand you've talked to miss Peterson before Would you mind postponing the Benson case until next week? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Goodbye Did I say the wrong thing mr. Clyde you did but it wasn't quite as bad as the first thing you said to me What do you mean well three years ago when you first walk into this office? You said a terrible thing I did yes I said would you like to work for me miss Peterson and you said yes I'll never forget that day. I was so nervous and I tried so hard to please you I even went out and got you a sandwich for lunch. Yes, I'll never forget it I asked you to get a bacon and tomato on rye and you brought it back on rye crisp Well, they say rye crisp is good for reducing and everybody around here told me you were a fat head I was only trying to never mind miss Peterson never mind take a letter all right I'll get my notebook. Don't bother. I'll dictate it to you as you type now get it all down I don't want to repeat it ready ready Mr. Benjamin Stuart restaurant New York City Dear sir in regards to your case now pending before the Court of Appeals I Buys you'd accept the offer made by the plaintiff to settle out of court. You're truly Milton J. Clyde All right, miss Peterson take it out of the typewriter. I want to sign it and get it in the mail at once I'm sorry. Mr. Clyde. I typed it, but there's nothing on the paper. What oh For goodness sake miss Peterson. No wonder. There's no ribbon in your typewriter. Why well last night You gave me a lot of packages to send out my didn't have any string That's all miss Peterson get your hat and coat. Oh, I can't have lunch with you mr. I promise to have lunch with Jane I didn't mean it that way miss Peterson you are fired fired. Do you understand you are not working here anymore? But I can't leave now mr. Clyde. I haven't given you a two weeks notice. Goodbye miss Peterson I'll mail you your check. I see you're already for lunch. Well, let's hurry before the restaurant gets too crowded Yeah, I feel so miserable. Why sweetie? What's wrong? I just got fired Fired oh, sweetie. That's too bad Now take it easy sweetie that there's no sense in going all the pieces We have a little money saved and I've still got my job. Don't get panicky. Oh, Jane You're the best friend a girl ever had Standing by me when everything goes wrong You're like that rat that refuses to leave the sinking ship. I Understand sweetie now dry your tears and we'll have some lunch. No, you know, I'm not hungry I think I'll buy a paper and go home and see if I can find a job and help wanted column. Well, all right, honey I'll see you later. Yeah, hope Al doesn't find out that I lost my job. It would worry him so See you oh young lady with third knowledge of French German Spanish Italian and Chinese Must be graduate doctor of geology well versed in science and Economic affairs to travel around the world with the Smithsonian Archeology expedition Must be ready to sail within a week. Oh, that sounds perfect. Oh, but I can't take it boats. Make me seasick Something here in the paper now. Let's see. Oh a little type operator Comtometer operator and mill operators Oh, they won't do hospitals depress me Hi chicken, oh Chicken you look kind of blue anything wrong Well, what were you reading that made you look so sad? The funnies the funnies I guess I might as well tell you hold it chicken before you tell me I got some wonderful news for you Been doing a lot of thinking lately and today. I finally decided what out chicken with the security of a weekly check from the unemployment office and The fact that you have a steady job. Our future looks pretty solid So I have decided to look around for a little house because now it looks like you and I will never be broke What are you crying for don't you want to marry me and be the envy of all your friends? Well, then why all the baller? These are tears of joy. I didn't think you'd get carried away like this Maybe I'm a better catch than I thought I would Now what's your news chicken? Oh? Nothing else really not important didn't think it would be tell me chicken house tricks. How's your job a job? Fine working hours have been reduced. What was vacations and holidays? I hardly feel I'm working at all Chicken you really rate with your boss, don't you think I would probably be lost without you Hey, that gives me an idea think I will go down there and tell him we're getting married And maybe he'll give you a raise, you know it never hurts to throw in a few hints personally Who know how you can't do that. Why not chicken? Well, I'm a secretary and I'm the only one he gets personal with Okay chicken, it's your job and I'm not gonna tell you how to hold it down But don't think that you're gonna be carrying the ball by yourself when we get married I'm working on a deal that will set the world on fire. What is it out? See today the problem in television is that the husband wants to watch the wrestling matches But the wife wants to watch the fashion show so I'm trying to sell a program in which gorgeous George will wrestle Hattie Carnegie You've got so many wonderful ideas. Why sure chicken. Hey, how about going out with me and looking for a little spot to live in Oh, no, I have a headache You go without me. All right chicken, and don't forget what I told you about hitting Clyde for that raise See you later, Mary. I just seen your boyfriend. What did he do to make you cry, honey? Slug you? I'd be like other women at least wait until after we're married. I Don't understand you. I'm a amber. I got fired Then bosses make me sick The ones you can't stand are always making passes at you and the ones you got a yen for won't even let you in their office Well, what do you mean you deceived out? I told him I'm still working So what if you did deceive them a woman has to do that once in a while to hold on to a man? Take my new boyfriend Seymour. I told him I spent four years in vassar But Amber aren't you afraid you'll find out? Well, I can always tell him I spent so much time in this country that I lost the accent When you get him on your line, you got to play them a little After you've got him in the boat you can hit him on the head Job he won't go through with the plans. He has to marry me. Oh Well, Jerry that puts a different light on things Have you looked for another guy? Yes? I've read the wanted, but I can't find anything Then one answer no good, dearie I've answered dozens of them that fitted me to a T You know the kind that reads cultured attractive young lady wanted Then as soon as they see me they say the job's already been filled Leave me dearie them's the times you want to forget your culture and kick them right in the face Amber I simply must have a job you got nothing to worry about dearie I know an employment agency that just a thing they have a wonderful system. They take your sight on scene What do you mean? Well everybody that's looking for a job gets a number and every employer who's looking for help gets a number too That's so there won't be any prejudice and then they arrange the interview. Gee. That sounds wonderful. Oh, you bet it is I wouldn't be working today if the guy that hired me knew what he was getting Come on Irma, I'll take you down there right now and register you all right and thanks Amber You're a regular lifesaver Not the kind to eat the kind you throw in the river And clean breath to fill my teeth the old skittles Here's good news big money-saving news about the wonderful film removing pepsidon an amazingly Improved film fighting formula for brightening teeth and cleaning breath and you get it now at a sensational Introductory bargain listen get to 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidon for only 33 cents Yes to 25 cent tubes in a special twin pack Regular price 50 cents now only 33 cents you save 17 cents Yes penny for penny ounce for ounce new pepsidon it gives you more for your money than any other leading toothpaste And more on results too for no other toothpaste can duplicate pepsidon's new film removing formula It foams wonderfully goes to work faster removing film makes your teeth brighter and your breath cleaner So act now get to 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidon for only 33 cents More for your money than any other leading toothpaste today Out of a job she doesn't mind so much for herself She's worried about Al finding out however. She still has hope you see her girlfriend If you will excuse the expression Amber Lipscott took her to the secretarial employment agency And they have changed her name to a number Irma Peterson is now number 64 And you know it's made her a little proud you see that's two points higher than any mark she ever got in school Right now Irma is writing her first letter to the agency where it will be forwarded to some prospective employer Dear whoever you are. I am an unemployed girl who is not working If you are looking for an efficient capable expert secretary You need me because when she's busy, I'll be there to answer the phone No Irma What's wrong? Well your approach is okay, but you made a bad landing here. Let me help you sweetie. All right Jane Dear sir, I am a capable secretary with several years experience with a law firm I am reliable trustworthy and efficient now sign it. All right 64 PS don't let the 64 fool you I really weigh a hundred and eighteen No Irma just sign it Sincerely number 64. All right Jane. I'll mail it right away. And if I get the job believe me I'm not gonna make the same mistake. I made with mr. Clyde. What do you mean honey? Well, when my new boss tells me to take a letter He won't be able to blame me if it's wrong because I'm gonna tell him to put it in writing Mrs. O'Reilly Irma darling this letter just came for you. I didn't mean to snoop, but it says Secretarian agency on the envelope. Oh, it's here. I'm a dearie. I didn't know you were looking for a job Did mr. Clyde fire you? Well, Irma quit, but it's it's only temporary Well, you girls don't have to worry about me. You know, I love you like me own two daughters So I won't do anything drastic for a week That's sweet go on Irma read the letter from the agency. I'm dying of curiosity. All right My dear miss 64 in answer to your letter I'm interested in a girl of your ability and I would like more details Please reply by return mail Signed 66. Oh Jane. That's a terrible number. What do you mean terrible? What if he stands on his head? I won't recognize him I'll think he's 99 Well, don't let it worry you honey He won't start standing on his head until after you've worked for him for a while Only me professor Kropatsky Hello, Janey and Irma and Mrs. O'Reilly my three little fruits Janey, you are like a Georgia Pete. Oh, thank you, professor. Oh, you are like a sunkey star in a Mrs. O'Reilly You all prune face Look here you miserable old home to ever look at each other without snapping each other's heads off It's hard to make an improvement Tell me did you get the job yet? Well, I almost have a job. All I have to do is write him another letter Wonderful. What's his name? He doesn't have a name just a number. Oh my convict go back to L at least he wasn't caught yet No, no, no professor Irma has been corresponding with an employment agency and everyone has a number Oh, what a wonderful system Imagine meeting a man just by use number. I've got a good mind to try it myself You with the number would be like license plates on a truck Don't buy I've got to try and concentrate on answering this letter I've got to make sure I get a job because Alan I have plans I'm sorry. I'm tell me does I'll know yet that you lost your job with Mr. Clyde Oh, no, and I hope everyone will keep it a secret. You see He says we can get married now and if he finds out I'm not working. He'll call it off Oh, that's a hell the kind of a guy girls dream about and then wake up screaming Irma you'd better get that letter started to the agency Personally, I wouldn't give you a nickel for all the agencies in the world Professor you have to do something when you're in a hole. This is what I thought when I applied to the agency and what happened They put me in a worse hole. You see what's through an agency that I got my room Well, two girls have your own troubles. Come on, Mr. Riley. I'll take you to see a new picture called the city across the river That's sweet of you. I know it is they're liable to think I'm coming in with a tugboat Look sweetie, I finished writing that letter for you. I've got to run up for a few minutes So you sign it and mail it right away. Oh, thanks, Jane. I'll take care of it right away tween. Oh on one side is a laundry and other side is an undertaker Oh, I'm a dairy. Oh, hello Amber. It worked. I'm number 64 and I'm sending this letter to number 66 Well, let me see what you route dairy Day number 66. I am a capable Oh I'm a this is crazy How come you write such a high-class letter the guy'll think you don't need work. Oh, I didn't write it Jane did I might have known miss snooty had something to do with it Dictate a letter that'll knock them dead. Take this down. Emma. You all set. Yes. Go ahead. Okay Yeah, number 66. I am just a girl you need because after working for my last boss I can work for anybody He was a slave driver and old grouch and last but not least a crumb Got that down there. Yes, it's all down. Wait, I'll sign it. Okay now come on dairy We can drop it right off at the agency. You get quicker action that way Amber, do you think we did the right thing saying those things about mr. Clyde? Don't worry about it. I may he's probably saying worse than that about you Inefficient stupid blunderers that ever called herself a secretary that Peterson girl took the cake look here Milton J. Clyde I did not marry you just so I could knock myself out in your office If you had any sense, you would have held on to miss Peterson until you found out where she hid everything Don't you'll be be darling me Get on that phone and see if that agency could get some action. Yes pigeon Hello secretary and agency. This is number 66 Has anything come in from number 64 it has the boy is on his way over here with it now, but thank you very much Goodbye Well, it won't be long now honey, but good and this time pay her more than you paid the last girl And maybe you'll have better luck. Oh, I've already set the salary with the agency It's $10 a week more than I was paying miss Peterson Mr. Clyde. Yes. Oh the letter. Here you are, sir. Thanks Dear number 66. I'm just the girl you need because last boss slave driver Crumb Well, this is an unusual letter Maybe I like this girl. She sounds frank and honest what she probably needs is an understanding employer like myself I'm going to range for an interview at once Won't you come in with me? No, sweetie. The man wants to talk to you. There's nothing I can do It's all up to you a number 66. Good luck, honey. I'll wait out here for you. All right, Jane No, miss. Peter said I'm here to engage my new secretary and I'm sure whoever she is will be a vast improvement over my last one You well, you're no bargain either, mr. Clyde. Can I help you folks? Oh, well, I see you're both on time Number 66. I like to have you meet number 64. What? Here, I kiss my numbers up. Oh no, no Don't miss the sensational bargain introducing new film removing pepsidon toothpaste get two 25 cent tubes of new pepsidon For only 33 cents. You save 17 cents Yes, two 25 cent tubes in a special twin pack Regular price 50 cents only 33 cents penny for penny ounce for ounce New pepsidon gives you more than any other leading toothpaste more than results to No other toothpaste can duplicate new pepsidon's film removing formula It foams amazingly goes to work faster removing film making teeth brighter breath cleaner Hurry offer limited get two 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidon for only 33 cents Pepe pepe pepsidon toothpaste invites film on teeth and dreams breathtaking Pepe pepe pepsidon toothpaste gives film on teeth the old skidoo As her job back only because mr. Clyde was helplessly trapped As for Al marrying her well, I'll be very happy to attend the wedding and so will my grandchildren But let her have her little dream. I wouldn't hurt her for the world. Sweetie? Yes, Jane? Have you found an apartment yet? No. All we've seen is a little place in the country. Al says it's a rambling cottage. Well, what's wrong with a rambling cottage? It might be all right now, but who knows where it'll be next week? And you know, no matter how much the cottage rambles, it'll never wander like the mind of my friend Irma. My friend Irma is produced and directed by Cy Howard. Park Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland McClain, and it is brought to you by Pepsident Toothpaste with Arium, another fine product of Leverbrothers Company. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. Part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Kahn read with her is Professor Kropotkin and Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music is under the direction of Ludbloskin. Ladies, make your next permanent a rave home permanent. This new personalized home permanent from the famous Pepsident Laboratories eliminates all guess words. With rave and only with rave, you get the easy-to-use dial-a-wave chart that gives you the one right wave for your kind of hair. Rave waving times are up to twice as fast as ordinary home permanent. Yet a rave wave is gentler, long-lasting, more natural looking from the very first day. The complete rave kit is $2. Rave refill kit $1. Both kits contain the easy-to-use dial-a-wave chart. Dial your rave number for a personalized home permanent. Tune in one hour earlier next week and listen to the Lux Radio Theater followed by the Pepsident show My Friend Irma, both brought to you by Lever Brothers Company. When you contribute to the 1949 Red Cross Fund, you are not just giving to the Red Cross. You are giving through the Red Cross to the American people. Yes, the American Red Cross is a partnership of the people of America. So give and give generously to your Red Cross. Wendell Niles speaking, this is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.