 CHAPTER XXXVIII I did not presume to ask my husband what it was that he had to talk about with Carrie's friend, but I instinctively felt what it might be, and I was so much troubled in mind that I thought I would never go to see her again. By that time I had learned, as every Mormon wife does learn, never to ask questions. The wife of a saint never dares to ask her husband whether he is going or when he will return. She is not expected to know or care what business her husband may have on hand when he leaves the home in the evening after making a most elaborate toilet with frequent admiration of himself in the mirror. If the poor wife feels that she must say something to give vent to her overwrought feelings, she simply asks, in a conscious, guilty way, when he will be home again, wishing too often in her secret heart that he might say, never. Her duty is to be silent and unobservant, and though some poor women have, when their outraged feelings were overcharged, inadvertently betrayed curiosity respecting the movements of the absent ones, they have soon been sternly taught their duty, and those loving husbands have given them good cause to repent of their inquisitiveness. And who can blame these disconsolate, lonely women if thus they feel? Their religion alone is to blame. It has been the destruction of that sweet confidence which should exist between husband and wife, and it has divided hearts and interests which shouldn't separately have been forever one. This slowly but no less painfully I was beginning to understand. However earnestly I might try to combat the idea, my life was wretched with one continual fear of what I might see or hear of my husband. I tried to drive away such thoughts, and I called to mind all the acts of kindness and devotion which he had shown whose love my heart held dear. Sometimes arguing with myself I said, No, my husband will not deceive me. No matter what other men may do, or be with their wives, my husband will be frank and true with me. So I thought then, but I was destined to realize in my own experience how utterly impossible it is for any man, no matter how honest and truthful he may naturally be, to practice polygamy without becoming a hypocrite, and the more he loves his wife, the greater hypocrite he will become, trying to deceive her with the foolish notion that half his cruelty is done in attempting to spare her feelings. Up to this time I had been able, with some effort, to banish those doubts which would against my will intrude upon my mind. I had schooled myself to believe that when it was really necessary my husband would frankly and freely speak to me about that subject which was ever uppermost in my heart, and I knew my own nature sufficiently well to feel sure that I could grapple with any difficulty if once I looked it boldly in the face. All that I feared was deception on my husband's part. That I felt would be more than I could endure. In the whole course of our married life hitherto I had never known him to deceive me, and even now, although influenced by the counsel of the elders, he thought of bringing to our home another wife I well knew that he sympathised with me, for he knew the deep, deep sorrow that the dread alone of polygamy had for years brought to my heart, and he might well be apprehensive of what the practical reality would be. At a later period I knew that he fell into that error common among Mormon men of keeping it from their wives until all was settled. This was not the kind of treatment calculated to inspire me with confidence. It may suit some natures, but I doubt even that. Men frequently imagined that they understand a woman's nature better than she does herself, and acting upon this belief and full of good intentions they air most fatally. My husband thought that he was acting kindly to me when he said nothing of all that transpired between him and Kerry, but when I saw the visits of Kerry's lady friend so frequently repeated I began to suspect the truth and was much troubled. I was, however, too proud to question him on the subject at the risk of getting an evasive answer, and it was evident that the two persons most intimately interested in the matter intended that I should be kept in the dark. I saw through all this, and it did not tend either to restore my peace of mind or to make me more pleasant in my intercourse with Kerry or my husband. In their conduct I could see nothing but deception, however good their intentions might be, and I felt that they were treating me as a child. The thought was very painful to me, and it was only with a great effort that I suppressed it. In fact I dared not think, but when doubts and fears crowded themselves upon my mind so that I was compelled to give them utterance, I would block myself in my room or wander away to some lonely spot and there vent my feelings in indignant words. But other times I did think over the wrongs which polygamy inflicted until my feelings were almost beyond endurance. Then in those moments of anguish I would prostrate myself in humility and repentance before the Lord, and would plead for strength to endure and submit to His will. Then again I would pace the room my soul filled with rebellion and heartfelt curses against a system which had so withered and blighted all my life and had taken forever the sunshine out of my existence, for ever. Ah, how those words lingered in my thoughts, how they chilled my heart and left me utterly without hope, for we were told that eternity would be but a repetition of this life on earth. Polygamy we were taught was to be practiced in eternity. It was to be the celestial order of heaven, it was an eternal law. But if it was so loathsome now how should I ever be reconciled to and happy in it? Then too we were told by the elders that we should have no other heaven than that which we began on earth, and I was at a loss to conjecture what sort of a heaven mine would be. It may appear strange that such absurdities should ever seriously have found a place in my mind. But when one at starting accepts a system as true, however absurd that system may be, and learns to regard all that is connected with it as beyond the shadow of a doubt, after years of discipline the mind is ready to receive almost anything that may be offered to it from the same source. In my own case I was so convinced that however reason might object all that we were taught was true, that I was utterly without hope and would have felt happy could I have believed that death was annihilation. Of earthly happiness I had given up all expectation. These painful feelings, of course, had a market effect upon my daily life. I grew weary, and my health failed. I became thin, and my features were marked with care and anxiety. When people came to see me I said little to them, and their very presence I felt irksome. Mechanically I went through the daily routine of duty, but my heart was in nothing that I did. I dared not even trust myself to speak to anyone, for fear of becoming the subject of conversation and attracting the attention of the authorities which was not at all desirable, for the position of a rebellious woman in those days was anything but pleasant. I stood alone. Upon my husband I looked with suspicion. My children were too young to understand me. Carrie whom I had taken to my heart, to whom I had confided my sorrows, whose own welfare had been so dear to me, had, as I thought, turned against me, like an adder, and there was no one in whom I could trust. It seemed to me too cruel for Carrie to treat me so, and yet I could not doubt that she was acting unfaithfully towards me. Surrounded by my children, living under the same roof with my husband, my heart was nevertheless filled with a sense of utter loneliness and desolation. There was no one in whom I could confide, to whom I might tell my sorrows, and from whose counsel or strength I might derive comfort. I dared not even go and lay my griefs before God, for I had been led to believe that all my suffering was caused by an arbitrary decree which he willed to be enforced. No false a notion of that loving Heavenly Father whose tender care is so manifestly shown in his gentle dealings with the weakest of his creatures. It was now about six months since Carrie left my house, and I was under the impression that all that time certain well-intentioned sisters had been doing all they could to bring about a marriage between her and my husband. Her health, however, was so bad that sometimes for weeks together she did not leave her room. At the time, of course, I knew nothing of this, but I afterwards heard of it. When I called upon her, which I did when I found that she was too ill to come to see me, I thought she was greatly changed in her manner. But when I thought of her lonely position my heart warmed towards her, and I forgot all my suspicions. Certainly I wanted to ask her one plain question, relative to my husband, but my pride would not allow me to speak to her on that subject unless she first mentioned it to me. One day I thought that she was about to make a confession. Talking indifferently of ordinary matters, she suddenly said, I am surprised you ever wish to see me, but when I asked her why, expecting that she would now explain what had so long troubled me, she answered evasively, and nothing more was said. I shall always believe that I myself was not the only person interested at that time about Carey's feelings. There are some of the sisters who, strange as it may seem, spend their lives in promoting the practice of polygamy. When once these good sisters have set their hearts to get a man a second wife, they do not let a trifle discourage them. If they do not succeed with one girl they try with another, and it is seldom that they fail of meeting with their reward. In Carey at this time they found a subject of peculiar interest. If her failing health put an end for a time to all thoughts of her own marriage, that was no reason why my husband should not select a second wife elsewhere. Poor victim! He of course had no pleasure or interest in the matter. His religion alone compelled him. He suffered as much as I did. To look round on all the young and pretty girls he knew, to select one, and pay his court to her, was painful enough I dare venture to assert. But he seemed to bear it very well indeed, and the revelation appeared to agree with him nicely. With Carey's absence from our house the rumours about her which had troubled me so much somewhat subsided. Nothing could silence the secret apprehension which continually held my soul in dread. But the fear of my young friend's influence once removed I was comparatively at peace. It was however but the lull before the storm. I soon learned that in losing Carey I did not lose polygamy, and from about that time I can date my husband's desire to sustain his brethren in the performance of their duty and his wish to act as they did, especially in reference to the celestial order of heaven. Just at that time the moral bill for the suppression of polygamy was presented to Congress and all true Mormons were made to feel that it was their duty to stand by their leader. And though in itself they might see nothing desirable in polygamy, yet if they had not already multiplied wives it was their duty to do so without any delay. A man with polygamy upon his mind was then a creature which I did not understand and which I had not fully studied. Some years later, when I had a little more experience in Mormonism, I discovered several never-failing signs by which one might know when a man wished to take another wife. He would suddenly awaken to a sense of his duties. He would have serious misgivings as to whether the Lord would pardon his neglect in not living up to his privileges. He would become very religious and would attend to his meetings, his testimony meetings, singing meetings and all sorts of other meetings which seemed just then to be very numerous and in various other ways he would show his anxiety to live up to his religion. He would thus be frequently absent from home, which of course he deeply regrets as he loves dearly the society of his wife and children. The wife perhaps, poor simple soul, thinks that he is becoming unusually loving and affectionate, for he used not at one time to express much sorrow at leaving her alone for a few hours, and she thinks how happy she ought to feel that such a change has come over her husband, although to be sure he was always as good as most of the other Mormon men. My husband was a good and consistent Mormon, and very much like the rest of his brethren in these matters, and the brethren, knowing themselves how he felt, sympathized with him and urged him on, and by every means in their power aided him in his noble attempts to carry out the commands of God. One evening when he came home he seemed preoccupied as if some matter of importance were troubling his mind. This set me to thinking too. I saw that he wanted to say something to me, and I waited patiently. I am going to the ball, he presently remarked, and I am going alone, for Brother Brigham wishes to meet me there. I knew at once what was passing in his mind, and dared not question him. He went and saw Brigham. What passed between them I do not know, but when my husband returned he intimated to me that it had been arranged that he should take another wife. The idea that some day another wife would be added to our household was ever present in my mind, but somehow when the fact was placed before me in so many unmistakable words my heart sank within me, and I shrank from the realization that our home was at last to be desecrated by the foul presence of polygamy. The very effort which my husband made to break the news gently to me made my heart more rebellious. What intelligence could be more terrible to an affectionate wife, the mother of a family, than this? In my girlhood, as the reader knows, I had forsaken all for the sake of my husband and his religion. We had toiled together and suffered together. For fifteen long years our interests and our affections had been won and inseparable. Nothing but the fear of polygamy had ever come between my husband and myself, but for that horrible apprehension and that unhappy feeling which it occasioned, no wedded pair could have been more truly united than my husband and myself, but that certainly, only that, had cast a shadow over the bliss of our domestic life. Our little ones, a mutual care, had grown up around us, they had occupied all of our thoughts and all our attention, and in them our own love seemed to be renewed. They were now, at least the elder ones, fast ripening into manhood and womanhood, and gave promise that they would be the glory and blessing of our old age. Our home was never disturbed by any of those petty dissensions and divided interests which make so many families unhappy. When in the evening we gathered round our peaceful fireside in the pleasant interchange of thought, in intelligent conversation and domestic amusements, and in little loving courtesies we realized, as far as could be realized in this imperfect state, the meaning of that household expression, a little heaven upon earth. But now all this was to be changed. Let a gentile mother think how she would feel if she heard her children talk of father taking another wife. Let her think what it would be if another woman, however good and pure she might be, were brought home to take her place in the family circle, to divide with her her husband's affections, to come after years of undivided love between herself and him who had so long been all in all to her. And yet all this I felt, and oh, much much more than I could ever express, for who can tell in words the deepest bitterness which the heart too sadly feels. Everything around me changed. Every one I met reminded me of the miserable idea which had taken possession of my thoughts. All that before had seemed so bright and beautiful now revolted me, and my soul itself seemed filled with unavailing and unnatural hatred. I hated Mormonism, I hated the Revelation, I hated myself and I hated my husband. All that had been influenced by, or in contact with, the detested and the accursed thing I utterly abhorred. My woman's soul within me made me feel that I should gladly stand aloof from that degrading horror and shake even from my clothes the touch of any one or any thing that had been polluted by any connection with it. Almost fainting, now that the truth came home to me in all its startling reality, I asked my husband when he proposed to take his second wife. Immediately he replied, that is to say, as soon as I can. We were silent for some time. My mind was troubled. Had I been able to consider the whole affair as an outrage upon humanity in general, and an insult to my sex in particular, I should have replied with scorn and defiance. Had I implicitly believed in the divinity of the Revelation, I should have bowed my head in meek submission. But I did neither of these. The feelings of my heart naturally led me to hate with the most perfect hatred the very mention of the word polygamy, while at the same time I still believed, or tried to make myself believe, that the Revelation was from God and must therefore be obeyed. Such was the strange and contradictory position in which I was placed. I tried to reason with myself, my husband and the elders had taught me that the fault was not in Mormonism but in my early Gentile training, and I believed them, and thought that all the inconsistencies which I had heard of, or seen, in Brigham Young and the other prominent men, should be attributed to the weakness of human nature and not to the system. Still doubts would suggest themselves only, however, to be immediately suppressed, for it was by slow degrees that the truth dawned upon my mind. It was only natural that I should hesitate. I was a wife and a mother, and I could not consult my own wishes or desires. It was my duty, I knew, to do what was right, at whatever cost to my own feelings, and I dared not think of open rebellion. Had I then rebelled I must have renounced all that in life I held dearest, husband, children, all. I knew my husband's devotion to the faith and that he would not hesitate to make any sacrifice for it. He would even glory in giving up what most men hold dearest for the sake of the church, and we had both been taught that whosoever foresook husband or wife for the sake of the church it should be accounted to them for righteousness. I saw around me daily and hourly the effects of this teaching upon the unfortunate wives and children, but I nevertheless strove how painfully none but myself could tell, to banish from my mind every doubt and to esteem the natural questioning of my heart a sin. Are you not satisfied that it is right for me to take another wife, my husband asked? I have never yet really doubted that the revelation was from God, I replied, for I cannot believe that any man would be so blasphemous and wicked as to set forth such a revelation in God's name unless he received it as he said he did. If it is from God, of course, you are right to obey it, but if I were to consult my own feelings I would never consent to live in polygamy. I would rather risk salvation and tell the Lord that he had placed upon me a burden heavier than I was able to bear, and that I regarded him as a hard taskmaster. But when the salvation of my husband and children to say nothing of my own is at stake, my wishes and happiness go for nothing, and I can only consent. In that moment I felt like a condemned criminal for whom there was not a shadow of hope or a chance of escape. Could I possibly have looked upon the sacred obligations of marriage as lightly as Mormonism taught me to regard them? I believe I should have broken every tie and risked the consequences. But I had vowed to be faithful unto death, and if this second marriage was for my husband's welfare and for the salvation of us and our children I resolved to make the effort to subdue my rebellious heart or die in the attempt. For the first time in my life I thanked God that I was not a man, and that the salvation of my family did not depend upon me, for if fifty revelations had commanded it I could not have taken the responsibility of withering one loving trusting heart. I felt that if such laws were given to us our woman's nature ought to have been adapted to them, so that submission to them might be as much a pleasure to us as it was to the men, and that we might at least feel that we were justly dealt with. Not long after this my husband brought me a message from Eliza R. Snow. She wanted me to take tea with her, and he urged me to accept the invitation. I did not want to go, for I knew too well her object in sending for me. She had been talking with my husband about me, I felt sure, and that was how she came to send the message by him. I went, however, and as I anticipated she wanted to talk with me about polygamy and to try to convince me that it was for our best interests that my husband should take another wife, and that it was quite time he did so. I told her that he was not yet in a position to do so. We have quite a family, I said, and I think he should at least be allowed to wait until he has accumulated a little before he embarrasses himself with new responsibilities. And where would the kingdom of God be, she asked, if we all talked this way? Let your husband take more wives, and let them help him, and you will feel blessed in keeping the commands of God. There would be no good in my husband taking another wife, I said, while I feel as I do now, to be acceptable to the Lord a sacrifice should be made willingly and in a proper spirit, and I do not think that under present circumstances it is proper for him to do this thing. Let him be the judge of that, she replied, do not seek to control him. He alone is responsible, and therefore let him do as he thinks best. But I said he himself does not want another wife yet. But I spoke with hesitation for my heart misgave me. You are mistaken, she answered. Your husband is a very good man and desires to live his religion, and it is a great grief to him to know that you feel as you do, and you really must try to overcome your opposition. If you had a loaf of bread to make, and you made it, and it was pronounced good, do you think it would be at the slightest consequence what feelings agitated your mind while you were making it, so long as it was well made? So it is with the Lord. He does not care with what feelings you give your husband another wife, so long as you do so. This was a miserable attempt at reasoning to say nothing of its falsity, and notwithstanding all she said, I still felt that no blessing would even attend an unwilling sacrifice, and I told her so. She spoke to me very kindly, however, and tried to encourage me, and suggested that Carrie would be a very proper person for my husband to marry. I had now no longer any doubt in my mind that it had all been arranged, and that opposition on my part would be all in vain. I was indignant at this, for I believed that, as the revelation itself said, I, the first wife, ought first to have been consulted. This, however, I subsequently found, was as false as the system itself. I believed that I was the victim of a conspiracy, and I did not intend to submit without giving them some trouble. I returned home, pondering over what had been said to me, with a feeling of intense weariness oppressing my heart. I did not know what to think. It appeared to me that everyone had determined that Carrie should be my husband's second wife, and I now believed, with my talkative friend, that Brigham Young had certainly intended it from the beginning. I felt that I would rather that he should marry almost anyone else than her, for I felt certain that I should hate any woman whom he might marry, no matter how much I might have loved her before. But my heart was soon relieved of its trouble respecting poor Carrie, for, as I before mentioned, her failing health forbade all thoughts of marriage, and my husband after a short time never spoke to me about her. The real cause of my distress, however, was by no means removed. It was determined, without appeal, that my husband should, notwithstanding any impediment to the contrary, take another wife, whoever that chosen one might be. My apprehensions, therefore, were not removed. They were only turned in another direction. CHAPTER XXXII The next day my husband proposed several young girls for my consideration, but I felt that it was a very little consequence to me upon whom his choice might fall. It is a custom among the Mormon-married men, those at least, who make any pretensions to doing what is right, and who wish to spare the feelings of their wives as much as the degrading system will allow, to make it appear as if the second wife were chosen by the first, and they go through the form of consulting with her as to who shall be selected. The husband will mention the names of several eligible young ladies, among whom is sure to be the one upon whom he has already set his affections. If the wife should try to make herself agreeable by suggesting one or another of these young ladies, some objection is sure to be raised. One is too thoughtless, the relations of another are not quite so agreeable as they might be, and the temper of a third is said to be not very good. In this way one after another is taken off the list until only one remains, the bright particular star of whom all along the husband has been thinking. And if the wife should make any objections to this one, the husband of course has a ready answer. In most cases her extreme youth is an excuse for anything, she will have plenty of time to learn and will be the more ready to be taught. When once they have obtained the reluctant consent of their wives, it is astonishing how bright and cheerful these Mormon husbands become. Notwithstanding all that they have said to the contrary, it is evident that polygamy is no trial to their faith. They say that it was as great a cross to bear as to their wives, but somehow or other they take very kindly to it. It was soon settled who should be the honored maiden to whom my husband should pay his addresses. Her name was Belinda, and she was the daughter of the Apostle Parley P. Pratt, whom I have already mentioned as coming to an untimely end in Arkansas. I of course was not expected to ask any questions or events any curiosity respecting the girl or my husband's relations towards her. I had given my consent, I had acted my part, or at least all the part that was expected of me. I had fulfilled my duty as a Mormon first wife when I agreed to another wife being taken, and henceforth all that transpired was, so the elders would have said, no business of mine. Mormon domestic matters are to the gentile looker on, a perfect mystery. No one outside of Mormonism can realize the position of a wife in her husband's own house waiting for him to bring home to her another wife. But the Mormon women understand and feel it all. They know what it is to watch the course of a husband's courtship and note how he progresses with his wooing. And they could, if they dared, tell the painful feelings that rankle in their breasts at such a time. Nor is the new wife much happier, the girl against whom the first wife now feels so bitterly will in all probability someday be as unhappy as she is now. In due course of time, when the wooing is over and the maiden is one, she will be brought home and will have her little day of triumph until her lord and master deems it necessary to add another jewel to his crown. And then her heart will be rent, as the first wife's was, and another crushed and degraded victim will be added to that list of suffering women who have become martyrs to the heavenly order of marriage. Intent on his wooing, the husband is of course particularly attentive to his personal appearance and spares no pains to render himself attractive to the young lady whose affections he proposes to win. His kindness and domestic duties, of course, give place to the more important claims of love, and everything must be sacrificed upon the altar of that blind divinity. The wife sees all this, but she is not expected to feel. She remembers the time when her husband used to find his greatest pleasure in paying to her those little enduring attentions which love demands and finds its reward in rendering. She remembers the time when he vowed at the altar to be faithful until death, and how often afterwards he has reiterated that vow and declared that no other woman should ever win from him a thought that would be disloyal to her. It is impossible for any man to act justly, to say nothing of acting with affection towards his wife while his thoughts and wishes are wandering towards a younger rival. Words are uttered, which in themselves perhaps are trifling, but which, under the circumstances, have a meaning bitterly cruel, and little things are done which, like the worm at the root, gnaw the heart itself and embitter the whole existence. Women whose minds are said to be strong have written and spoken much of late years in an endeavor to unsex themselves. That men and women should be morally and socially equal? No right-minded person can for a moment doubt, but a woman never was and never will be a man. In sentiment and feeling her mind is utterly the reverse of masculine, and no man, however refined or sensitive he may be, can ever fully understand a woman's heart. A man may be faithfully and devotedly attached to his wife, but she can never be to him what he is to her. Every thought and affection of her soul is centered in him. He is the life of her own existence. In her eyes he is all that is noble and good and true. He is her idol, her love, her all. Horribly, then, ah a thousand times horribly, and cruelly do they sin against the holiest principles of human nature, who crush with coldness and unkindness those warm and tender sentiments of affection which in her heart a woman cherishes toward her husband. How often have I mourned in secret some careless word or cold indifferent look which my true and husband has thoughtlessly bestowed upon me when leaving the house to visit his intended bride? Words which to him had no particular meaning perhaps, but which pierced my heart. I knew too well that he could not love to at once. It was evident which way his thoughts were wandering, although he, like the rest of his brethren, assured me that principle and religion and no other motive attracted him so often to the side of his more youthful and, of course, more pleasing companion. My husband's intended certainly was very young, almost too young for a bride she would have been considered in any other community, and I must in fairness allow that she was very handsome. It is of the utmost importance that a Mormon girl should marry young. Women everywhere are never anxious to grow old, but among the Mormons age is especially dreaded by the women. For when years have robbed them of their personal attractions, in most cases they lose all hold upon their husband's affections and find themselves obliged to give place to prettier and more youthful rivals. A woman's position in the world to come, as I have before mentioned, depends, so the elders say, very much upon the number of children she has borne in this. It is, therefore, a consideration of the very first importance that she should marry as early in life as possible, and this obligation is never for a moment overlooked by the refined and pure-minded Mormon men. And now began the painful task of wooing the young lady. My husband told me that it was a very painful duty, and as an obedient wife, I felt bound to believe him. It was, of course, no pleasure in him to pay his addresses to an interesting young girl. It was no anxiety to be with her which made him hasten away to the damsel's house of an evening. Oh dear no, it was pure principle, love for the kingdom of God, and a very painful task. He seemed, however, to bear it remarkably well, and manifested a zeal which was perfectly astonishing to me considering the circumstances. In fact I felt at my duty to restrain him a little for the sake of his health, for he seemed so anxious to perform his task properly that he could scarcely spare time to take his meals. But regardless of his own feelings he did not pay much attention to my suggestions. But deeply as I sympathized with my husband there were times when I felt that mine was indeed no imaginary sorrow and that nothing could lull the storm that had gathered in my breast. The affliction which I had so long dreaded was now right at my door and the most painful feelings agitated my mind. Sometimes I shut myself up in my own room and tried to reason with myself and again I would pace the floor and my heart overflowing with anger and indignation. I never at that time knew what was to be happy for I felt that I was a burden and hindrance to my husband and I longed to die. I had loved him so devotedly that I could not even now cast him from my heart and though I felt bitterly my position I believed that he would not willingly wound me and that he was acting from the purest of motives. But it was all in vain I could not change my nature and my heart would rebel. The courtship was continued for months and the end seemed as far off as ever for on account of the youthfulness of the bride-elect my husband wished the marriage indefinitely postponed. It would be impossible for me to tell the thousand annoyances and indignities to which I was forced to submit, trials which might appear too trifling even to name, but which to a wife under such circumstances were crosses which he found it hard enough to bear. My husband knew nothing of these things and had he done so it is more than probable that he would have considered it weakness in me to be troubled about matters of such small consequence. Little actions and foolish words which he would have said I ought to have treated with contempt. It was easy to say that but not so easy to do. Let any wife picture to herself how she would feel if after schooling her heart to submission after realizing that she was no longer to be first and dearest in her husband's affections she were to be constantly hearing the friends and relations of the young girl to whom her husband was engaged boasting of his devotion to her and openly expressing their belief that he had never loved before. How would any wife be pleased if whenever her husband's intended received a valuable present from him she were particularly informed of the fact and a thousand little aggravating details were added to make her, if possible, more miserable. I do not know how such things would appear to a man's mind if matters were reversed and the wife took a couple of husbands to her heart but I have noticed that the lords of creation are generally and no doubt justly sensitive enough even if they only suspect their wives of engaging in a trifling flirtation and I know that however silly she may be considered for doing so a woman in her heart feels all these things. A woman can nerve herself to endure almost anything and outwardly she may conceal her feelings but there are limits beyond which endurance is not possible. A chance meeting with the girl who has superseded her in her husband's love or worse still should she chance to surprise the affectionate couple, Tetta Tett is sufficient to dispel all her good resolutions and to destroy that tranquility of mind which she finds it so difficult to preserve. She becomes sick at heart, nervous and entirely unfitted for her duties. I have frequently heard Mormon men say that notwithstanding their husbands had been for many years polygamists they could never see the other wives without a feeling of anger and indignation arising in their hearts. I know that in my own case I never became reconciled to the system. My husband was called away to the eastern states upon business and his marriage was postponed as I have already mentioned to give the bride an opportunity of growing a little older first. I thought that the present would be a good time to show her some little attentions which I believed it was my duty to do. The idea of coming in contact with her was certainly not at all pleasant but I thought that it was only right for me to act in a friendly manner towards her however painful it might be. She was the cause of much sorrow to me but I could not blame her for she had been born and brought up in the system and of course supposed it true. But for all that it is utterly impossible for any woman to think complacently of another who is weaning from her her husband's affections however innocent that other may be of intentional wrong. Belinda was a very nice girl and under other circumstances I believe I should have liked her very much. I looked upon her as little more than a child and my husband has frequently told me that he also regarded her in that light but to me it was of small consequence that he thought of her as a child so long as he acted towards her as a woman. Now that he was away from home there was no danger that she would meet him so I invited her in a friendly way to call upon me. She came and I had one or two other ladies present for I was not like my husband in that particular. I had no anxiety to be alone with her. My effort to cultivate a friendly feeling towards her was not very successful. There was a coldness and restraint on both sides which we could not overcome and I felt not a little relief when the evening was over. Subsequently I renewed the attempt but to no purpose. Her very presence in my house and among my children seemed in itself an insult to me. It was not strange that I should feel thus. Think what the feelings of any wife would be under such circumstances. A family of children was growing up around me. Anxious for their future welfare I surrounded them with the best influences which I could command and my constant effort was to train them so that they should blush at everything that was not honourable and upright. I had daughters of my own one of them quite growing up into womanhood. Had my husband been a Gentile and had he gone astray his wrongdoing would not have been introduced into my home itself nor would it have been a subject of conversation among my children. But under Mormonism how was I situated? Why I was compelled to drain the cup of degradation to its very dregs. The sanctity of my home itself was invaded and I felt ashamed to think that I, wife and mother as I was, was entertaining my husband's affianced wife. A child no older than my own eldest girl and before long she would be brought home in my presence and among my children. O detestable and unnatural desecration of the sanctity of home! O brutalizing and immoral burlesque upon religious faith! How could I ever have diluted myself into the idea that such a profanation of all that is good could by any possibility be right? That such an outrage upon decency and propriety such a violation of the laws of reason and religion could be pleasing in the sight of an all pure God? During my husband's absence my poor friend Kerry Grant had been daily growing worse in health. I had once asked my husband if there was any truth in the rumors that I had heard of his attachment to her. But he had assured me that there was no foundation for them. Subsequently I learned from Kerry's own lips that this was not exactly true. She said he had deceived me for the sake of sparing my feelings but I did not appreciate such kindness. Mormonism is full of deceptions. Men deceive their wives and in return the wives deceive their husbands and it is all for the sake of the kingdom of God. Poor Kerry, hers was a short and unhappy life, even her little dream of love was overcrowded by disappointment. She was now constantly confined to her room and whenever it was possible I used to call upon her and attempted to make her feel more happy and cheerful. She used to ask me to talk with her about Mormonism. You know, she said, that I have never known any other religion and I believe that this is right, though it does not make me happy. My father loved Mormonism so much that I feel it must be right. The fault is in my own evil nature that does not bend to the will of heaven. One day she said to me, I am getting worse, Sister Stanhouse, and I am glad of it, for I shall die. I am of no good here, there is nothing for me to do. If I lived I should only cause trouble, it is better as it is. Kerry I said, you must not talk like that. You are still very young and probably will live for many years, and you do not know what future may lie before you? Do not blame me too much, she replied, for I am not the only unhappy girl in the city. I know many girls who are very miserable. Married women think that they are the only ones who suffer, while we girls know that nowhere upon the face of the earth can be found such an unhappy life. Why did Brickham Young keep me from going to my friends in the East? I should have been happier then, I should have felt better. But now I want to die, and I am weary waiting for death. In this melancholy mood I found her one day when she appeared particularly sad. She had been ill then about ten months, but her loving blue eyes were just as bright as ever, and I could see very little change in her, except that she was not able to leave her couch without assistance, and she spoke as if it fatigued her very much. It was quite impossible to arouse from her the state of melancholy into which she had fallen, and it seemed to me that she could not last long. I offered to take her to my house and said that I would nurse her there and take care of her, but she said she was very kindly treated by her father's family and did not wish to change. She seemed to cling to me as if she could not bear that I should leave her, and she told me she had something on her mind that troubled her. She wanted to have a long talk with me about it, but not that day, she said. I went home that evening with tears in my eyes. As the end was fast approaching, she one day said, I want to tell you now, Sister Stanhouse, what I spoke of before, if you are willing to listen and will not be angry with anything I say. Remember, I am dying, or I never would speak to you as I am going to. I told her of my great love for her, and that nothing she could say would change that love. You do not know what I want to ask you, or you would not say so, she replied, and I dread so to lose your love that I am afraid to tell you what is in my mind. But you know that I am dying, and you will not be very hard with me. She was then silent for some time as if too much fatigued to continue the conversation. No, I cannot tell you today, she said at last. I want you to love me one day longer. I urged her not to doubt that my love towards her could never change, and told her that it was better for her to speak at once and relieve her mind. She took my hand and looked long and tenderly at me, and then she said, I will tell you all, if your love can stand that test, then indeed you do love me. I encouraged her, and she began, Would you hate me if I told you that I loved your husband? No, I replied, I would not hate you, Carrie. I said no more, for it seemed to me that it would be wrong of me to tell her of my suspicions, and all that I had suffered at the thought that my husband had conceived an affection for her. Can you possibly answer me as calmly as that, she said? I thought that the very mention of such a thing would almost kill you, for I saw how much you loved your husband, and how I have suffered at the thought of telling you. But that is not all that I wanted to say, or I need never have spoken to you at all. I wanted to ask you to do me one last kindness, and then I think I shall die happy. You know that we have been taught that polygamy is absolutely necessary to salvation, and if I were to die without being sealed to some man, I could not possibly enter the celestial kingdom. My friends wish me to be sealed to one of the authorities of the church, but I cannot bear the idea of being sealed to a man whom I do not love. I love your husband, and I want you to promise that I shall be sealed to him. If I had thought that I should recover, I never would have let you know this, for I would not live to give you sorrow. But when I am gone, will you kneel by your husband's side in the endowment-house, and be married to him for me? Will it pain you much to do that for me, Sister Stanislaus? I felt so strangely as I listened to all this that I could not utter a single word, and she continued, we shall then be together in eternity, and I am happy at the thought of that, for I think I love you even better than I love him. And then I believe we shall have overcome all our earthly feelings, and shall be prepared to live that celestial law, and perhaps we may prefer it, for no doubt we shall know no unhappiness there. The exertion of talking seemed to be too much for her, and she remained silent for some time. I felt ashamed that I had allowed my feelings to influence me at such a moment, for while she was speaking I had allowed my thoughts to travel back over the past year, and now that she admitted her love for my husband, very many circumstances came painfully to my recollection and confirmed all that she said. I resolved, however, not to question her, but to allow her to tell me just what she pleased, so I knelt down by her side and whispered into her ear a solemn promise that I would do all that she desired. Poor girl, how I felt for her! When I had given her this pledge she appeared much relieved and told me freely all that had passed between my husband and herself, and she said she had left my house simply because she could not endure to cause me any sorrow. I told her of my husband's contemplated marriage with Belinda Pratt, and she appeared a good deal troubled at that. Let me be second, she said, for then I shall feel that I am nearer to you and I want you always to think that when you die if I have the power I shall be the first to meet you and take you by the hand. Thus we talked together for a long time, and it was with painful interest that I listened to what she said. It was a singular interview, a wife receiving from a young girl the confession that she loved her husband, that he had fully returned her affection and had even talked with her about marriage. The girl requesting the wife to be married for her to her own husband and the wife full of tender love towards the girl freely giving her a promise that she would do so. In my sorrow at parting from her and the great affection that I felt towards her all feelings of jealousy were utterly forgotten. Before I left I said, Carrie, whether you live or die you shall be married to my husband if he ever enters into polygamy. And I say this although I do not doubt that he will do so and at the same time I think that you will live. I really believed that she might recover for now this burden was off her mind at the strength to subdue her sickness and at first it seemed as if this would really be the case. The next day she appeared so much better that her friends all became hopeful and when I told her that I had written to my husband and had told him that since he had made up his mind to go into polygamy I wished him to marry her. She appeared so happy and showed her joy in so many innocent ways that I could not be angry. How do you think he will feel she said when he gets your letter? Do I look pretty well today? And do you think that if I continue to get better I shall have regained my looks before he comes home? Oh I said humoring her you will look quite pretty by the time he returns I shall be really jealous of you. In an instant the thought of how much all mention with my husband must be painful to me occurred to her mind and she begged me to forgive her for her carelessness. No she said I will try never to give you pain and you must always love me. For some days this improvement in her appearance continued and I thought and hoped that we should soon have her round again. I really wished her to live now for if it was absolutely necessary for the girls must practice polygamy I would prefer that rather than any other woman he should marry her for I felt that she would understand me as no one else could. Thus after all I really had selected a second wife for my husband. But the change in Porcaria's looks was altogether deceptive. News came to me one morning that she was very much worse and I hastened to see her. She entered the room her eyes brightened and she said, I'm glad that you have come sister Stanhouse for I feel that I'm going soon. Then after a pause she added holding up her hands. Do you know what that means? The fingernails were turning blue. That means death she said and it is better so. After this we conversed together for some time upon various topics in the position in which she then was. And presently she said as if asking a question you will keep your promise I know. Carrie I answered if there is anything that I can say or do that will make you feel more certain that I will keep my promise if I live to do so tell me and I will do it. I am afraid she said that after all he never loved me. He pitied my lonely situation and was so kind and good to me that I learned to love him and those meddlesome sisters tried to get him to marry me but I would not be false to you. Then we both thought it was best not to tell you as it would make you grieve although it could never take place. Even now had I not known that I was dying and you never have told you but you will not love me less when you think of me after I am gone. I told her that my affection for her would never change and I talked with her and tried to soothe her dying moments and tried to make her feel less lonely and thus the morning passed away. In the afternoon she was silent and apparently unconscious and before another day dawn she had passed away to her rest. End of Chapter 31 Chapter 32 of Tell It All by Fanny Stenhouse This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Marriage for the dead entering into polygamy the new wife the following evening I went round again to the house to gaze once more at the form of my dear friend and I looked at her long and tenderly as she rested sleeping there. Her features were peaceful and natural as if in slumber an expression of calm tranquility hovered around her countenance and in the repose of death she seemed almost happy. Poor girl her life had been short indeed and she had known but little pleasure but I believed that she was now beyond the reach of earthly sorrow and earthly disappointment happy in that land where suffering and tears are all unknown. There shall be no night there the lord of that other life had said sorrow and sighing shall flee away from that bright and glorious land and the grief and pain which on earth are the portion of so many tried and weary hearts that have been transferred into that eternal rest which our Father in Heaven has prepared for us beyond the floods of death. Oh better far I thought it is that thus she should pass away true she has seen but little of life and has not tasted many of its joys but as a compensation how much has she been spared she was so gentle and so sensitive and so fit to battle with the stern realities of existence that I felt she had gained rather than lost in being taken away in the morning of her life those anxieties, trials and cares which are more or less the portion of every one of us would never weary her now and especially she was forever beyond the reach of those painful thoughts and feelings which are the lot of the Mormon women alone. Certainly she thought as also did I that in that other future life after the resurrection we should live together a life much like that which we lived on earth only more glorious and happy we could not marry or be given in marriage in the world to come but those who had been united on earth for eternity whether personally lead a married life together and fulfill all the duties and obligations of that position Carrie believed firmly that if I were sealed to my husband for her she would be his second wife in heaven and the reason why I had promised to be married for her before my husband was united to other wives was that by doing so she would rank before all the rest I as first wife would be queen in my husband's kingdom if I continued faithful and very obedient Carrie as second wife would rank next to me and the others who might afterwards be added would be placed according to the date of their marriage we none of us doubted that all this was true and the thought that by her marriage with my husband she would be sure of exaltation in the celestial kingdom had comforted the last hours of my poor friend I was musing sadly over these things as I returned home that evening resolved that nothing on my part should be left undone which might ensure her future happiness and I presumed that in my mind her death and the promise which I had made were the all absorbing thoughts certain it is that a little incident occurred to me which produced a vivid impression upon my mind then and for a long time after I believed that I was visited by my departed friend now I was not naturally superstitious and I would not on any account have the reader think that I was a believer in the very extraordinary claims of modern spiritualism at the time of which I speak I knew absolutely nothing of the manifestations of the communications received in séances I had in fact been so isolated and was so ignorant of the doings of the world in general that I had never even heard of such things I certainly did not believe that apparitions of the dead returned to trouble us with communications of any kind but nevertheless I was that night convinced that Kerry's spirits stood beside me and spoke to me as in life she might herself have done even now after the lapse of several years I hardly know what to think of the matter for it made such a powerful impression on my mind probably it was all a dream a vivid and life-like dream but nothing more the reader will remember that at that time I was in a very delicate condition of health my mind was quite unsettled with trouble and anxiety and for some time past my thoughts had been constantly fixed upon poor Kerry and her sad fate these circumstances combined might perhaps have shaped my ideas and raised up before me that strange vision to me however at that time it had all the force of reality and while I leave it to the reader's common sense to determine what really were the facts of the case I think I should not be justified in altogether omitting an incident so singular which at such a critical period of my life so strongly affected me I was sitting alone in my room and reading when suddenly I felt as if someone had opened the door and entered and I looked round to see who it was I felt a presence if I may so speak but I saw no one so thinking that I was nervous and resolved to control my feelings I took up my book again and tried to interest myself in it a few minutes elapsed and then I was startled again for I felt sure that someone was leaning over me and I seemed almost to hear them breathe quite certain now that the events of the preceding day had unsettled my mind I laid aside my book and prepared to retire for the night but still I could not get rid of that feeling which we all experience when someone is near us whom we cannot see but of whose presence we are instinctively aware after disrobing I lay down and began to read until I was sleepy I then turned down the light without entirely extinguishing it the presence seemed to stand beside my bed and I lost all power over myself I was not I believed asleep but at the same time I did not seem to be perfectly awake but the presence was now no longer invisible I plainly saw Carrie leaning over me is that you Carrie I said yes she answered or seemed to answer I want something from you then pointing to a gold ring upon my finger not my wedding ring though it was a wedding ring she said I want you to give me that ring you shall have it I answered and then she bent over me and kissed my cheek I distinctly felt the coldness of her lips as she touched me and in another instant she was gone I was wide awake but trembling and covered with a cold perspiration for I felt certain that Carrie's spirit had been with me and now that she had spoken to me I felt that the presence in the room was gone I could sleep no more although all fear had left me and I lay awake for hours thinking over the matter and trying to explain it away in the morning I persuaded myself to not dream or the effects of a disturbed imagination but as I had promised whether dreaming or awake it mattered little to give her the ring I resolved to keep my word and put it on her finger secretly as she lay in the coffin with that intention I went to the house sometime before the funeral was appointed to take place but as there was constantly I was ashamed to carry out my purpose lest they should think me silly to do such a thing as the time approached when they should carry her to the grave I became so troubled about the ring that I could not rest so I went into another room where one of Brigham Young's wives and a plural wife of Carrie's father were talking together and I told them of my dream for so I called the vision of my dead friend although it seemed to me reality they urged me to lose no time but to go instantly and put the ring on the finger of the corpse if you do not they said you will never feel happy she will never rest but will sure to come back to reproach you so I went and did as they said without anyone noticing me I stood beside the casket and raised the beautiful hand which looked so pure and wax like so cold and I placed the ring on the wedding finger and then covered it with the other hand then again beside the dead body of my friend I vowed to be faithful to the promise that I had made to her and after that I felt at peace not long subsequently to this my husband returned home the following morning he took from his pocket a very beautiful ring which he presented to me to wear it for his sake directly after he held up another a plain gold ring and asked me if I knew who that was for I thought that I knew for as he was soon to be married to Miss Pratt I supposed it was for her my pride however would not allow me to say so I therefore simply replied that I did not know feeling at the same time very much inclined to add give this one with it whoever it is for for I thought it unkind of him to show Melinda's ring to me I was silent however and he then said this one I bought for Kerry when I received your letter then I shall have to wear it now I said and then I told him all that I had just related but I think he considered it only a dream or the fancy of a troubled imagination I now expected very soon to be called upon to undergo the most painful ordeal that any wife can be required to pass through I was to give my husband another wife such is the sacrifice demanded of every Mormon woman the thought of doing this was worse than death to me I felt injured humiliated and degraded by it and yet I still tried to believe that it was the well of God and must therefore be right to me this outrage upon all the purest feelings of womanhood seemed more like the will of men men of the basis and most unholy passions it was repulsive to me in whatever form it was presented but still I reproached my own rebellious heart for feeling so for I had been told that the ways of the Lord like him this revelation might appear we Mormon women had been taught that it was our duty to bend our wills and to suffer in unquestioning and uncomplaining silence as the time approached I felt like a condemned criminal awaiting the day of execution a sense of apprehension a dread of coming evil was ever present to my mind and everything appeared to me through the medium of my griefs to a certain extent my husband also suffered for it would be impossible I think for any man to see his wife suffering so intensely without feeling for her and I sometimes believed that his sympathy for me was so great that if he had dared he would even then have refused to obey the counsel of the priesthood then too he had a little trouble of his own for he began to realize that this innovation upon the sanctity of our home would make a great change in his future his freedom would be gone however gratifying it may be to a man's feelings to know that there is no limit to his privileges and that he is always at liberty no matter how many wives he may already possess to fall in love with every pretty girl he meets if she consents yet every intelligent man must be conscious that it can be no easy matter to keep peace between many wives in one house and that if he wishes to act rightly by all he must train himself to be scrupulously just never showing any partiality in look or deed or even by a word there are many such men among the Mormons they are conscientious who try to live their religion but who at the same time desire to act kindly towards their wives my husband began to realize the great responsibility that he was about to take upon himself and seeing his thoughtful and troubled look I tried to hide my own feelings for every true wife knows that nothing so powerfully arouses a woman to struggle with her own sorrows as the knowledge that her husband arrived the day which for so long and with such painful forebodings I had anticipated I had spent a very wakeful and unhappy night and felt very sick and nervous and my health was anything but strong I hardly felt as if I should have the courage to go through that day I was however compelled to nerf myself to the task and I began to make my preparations for going to the endowment house the only thing that gave me strength was the thought that my husband had consented that I should go through the ceremony of being married to him that day for Kerry for even then I supposed that those who would be married in heaven must first be married on earth and that too by those who had received authority from on high ever since I had first embraced Mormonism I had been entirely cut off from Gentile society in the world abroad and also when in New York the cares of a family kept me very much at home and the continual state of apprehension which I was rendered me averse to visiting among friends thus it was that I never converse freely with anyone who could have informed me truthfully of the origin of Mormonism and consequently I brooded over my religion as a melancholy fact but though with moments of wavering I never thoroughly doubted its divine origin the terrible sacrifice which was about to be required of me might I thought be painful to make but it was no less the will of God I must submit whatever the effort might cost me the morning was bright and lovely a morning calculated to inspire happy hopes and pleasant feelings but fear and trembling even the innocent prattle of my children annoyed me and they not knowing how deeply I was suffering looked at me with wonder in their eyes oh I thought surely my husband will at length comprehend the greatness of the love I bear him surely he will now appreciate the sacrifice I make for his sake and for my religion even now he believes this doctrine to be true and he would feel condemned if through any opposition of mine he were not allowed to practice I would at the last moment dash this bitter cup from my lips and take my chance of the consequences in the future state utterly cast down and broken hearted I felt almost as if the Lord himself had forsaken me and there was no one to whom I could look for aid I could not go to my husband in that hour for sympathy for I well knew that his thoughts must be with his intended bride and that my sorrows would only trouble him at a time when he must desire to be at peace besides which I was too proud to plead for love at a shrine that I felt should rightfully be all my own and then too I knew not but what he might tell her of my feelings of humiliation for me should she think me jealous of the position which she now occupied and her influence over my husband with such feelings I went to the endowment house there at the altar I was to give proof of my obedience and of my faith in my religion by placing the hand of the new wife in that of my husband the thought was almost madness to have followed my husband to the grave would have been a terrible blow to me but to live to see him the husband of another woman was something that seemed to me beyond endurance not withstanding every effort of faith doubts would arise and in bitterest anguish I thought this is more like the work of a cruel man than of God why should man have this power over woman and she so helpless oh God can have nothing to do with this there was a darkness before my eyes and struggle as I might I could see no ray of light no glimmering of hope first my husband was married to Miss Pratt and then to me for Kerry thus I fulfilled my pledge to my departed friend later in the day I placed the ring which my husband had bought instead of the one which I had put on her wedding finger in the coffin I shall always wear it in remembrance of her although among the Mormons at that time wedding rings were never thought of and to this day are only used by the more educated and refined who cling to the gentile customs I had found before going to the endowment house that I could not have Kerry sealed to my husband next to me for Belinda had objected and her mother had appealed to Brigham Young about it they told me that he had said that the living had claims before the dead although my own feelings would have led me to think otherwise Brigham Young performed the ceremony he sat at the end of the altar and we three knelt down my husband on one side and Miss Pratt and myself on the other speaking to me Brigham Young asked are you willing to give this woman to your husband to be his lawful wife for time and for all eternity if you are you will signify it by placing her right hand within the right hand of your husband I did so but what words can describe my feelings the anguish of a whole lifetime was crowded into that one single moment the painful meaning of those words for all eternity withered my soul and the unending contract which my husband had made with another woman was practically a divorce from me I had now laid everything upon the altar of sacrifice for I had given away my husband what more could the Lord require of me that I was not prepared to do I was bewildered and almost beside myself and yet I had to hide my feelings hope was forever banished from my life to whom could I look for sympathy among those who were around me they were most of them men who had ruthlessly wrecked the lives and lacerated the hearts of hundreds of women before my turn came and the sight of an unhappy wife was so common in their experience that it was more likely they would awaken their anger than their pity I felt this instinctively and I resolved that they should never know how much my poor heart was torn my husband it is true was there my husband was he not now the husband of another woman and therefore no longer belonging to me I knew that I could never overcome my early teaching sufficiently to feel that this was right and that this is that I mentally and verbally assented to it I felt that now I stood alone our union was severed there could never be any co-partnership between that other wife and myself no, never salvation or no salvation it was impossible that I could ever love her from that day I began to hide all my sorrows from my husband I uttered a word of discontent and when I expressed what I felt it was an anger but never in sorrow seeking sympathy I remember when we returned home that home which had now lost its charm for the young wife was to live there my husband said to me you have been very brave but it is not so hard to bear after all is it? I had hidden my feelings that he really thought that I was indifferent but during the remainder of the day how I watched their looks and noticed every word to me their tender tones were daggers and filling me with a desire to revenge myself upon the father of my children oh what fanatics we Mormon women have been ever to have believed for a single moment that a just and loving father and god would have given a command that in almost every instance has produced such fearful results upon those who should have been happy wives and mothers and consequently upon their children indeed even then it made me feel that there was no justice in heaven if this love which is the best part of women's nature this love that we had always believed was a part of divinity itself this principle without which there would be nothing worth living for if this had been made our greatest curse and the woman who showed herself most actuated by this gentle influence was to be the greatest victim I felt that day that if I could not get away by myself alone and give expression to my overcharged feelings I should certainly lose my reason I was utterly miserable it was only in the dead of night in my own chamber that I gave way to the terrible anguish that was consuming me God and my own soul can alone bear witness to what I suffered in that time of woe that night was to me such as even the most god forsaken might pray never to know and morning dawned without my having for a moment closed my eyes end of chapter 32