 Y254 Imagine for sticking to Y254 TV. My name is Cheryl blessing and you are watching the power talk show Now this evening. I want us to have a very important conversation because I think this impacts every single one of us What does it take to maintain adult friendships? Because we know when your friends as kids It's so easy to maintain it because you in school together you share the same activities But when you're an adult and you have separate lives, how do you maintain your friendships? How do you ensure that you keep in touch and you constantly check on your friends? And I'm being joined by Experts who will give us more information on how we can maintain adult relationships Joining me is Barry Lomondi. Who's an entrepreneur? A scientist. It's a pleasure to have you here. It's pleasure too. Yeah, and right next to Barry We have Anthony in Jenga who is not a guest here. He's a counselling psychologist and a life coach as well Carrie but Anna Anthony Yeah, and it's so wonderful to have you for the first time this year back again Yeah Because you know normally we talk about relationships and everything but we've never truly focused on Friendships and that is a very important aspect of each one of us. We cannot live by ourselves So how do we maintain our friendships? Particularly when we have busy schedules our lives are going on and we cannot constantly be in the same environments I want to get some information from you. I want to hear how you personally maintain your your friendships with your friends Maybe for a long distance you have you live worlds apart. You schedule the like Months later, how do you maintain those friendships? How do you ensure that you keep in touch with your friends and across social media platforms it to on Facebook Instagram and Twitter? We have made a post Nia be a woman in energy come on a swally. Yeah, you have a friend You've been in strange and you're wondering how can you maintain that or rekindle the friendship? Ask us and we will sample the comments and everything as we progress with the conversation So I think maybe we should just start with the basics and define friendship because right now we want to Categorize everything acquaintance colleague. So who is a friend Anthony? Could you tell us from your perspective? For me, I think the best way to define our friend is a quote by Oprah Winfrey What she says is a lot of people want to write with you In a limo, but what you want is someone will take a bus with you and the demo breaks down Yes, that's my definition of friendship. Yes, I like that because you know that really sums up everything because this is someone will be with you Through whatever and they will go through life with you because they genuinely your friend They genuinely want to be in your life. It's not about the good part only. Yes It's not about the celebration and the money of the success. It's also about when you depress Yes, when you have lost. Yes, that's very powerful. I love that. Yeah, thank you. Very Yeah, who would you define as who will you consider your friend? I Think someone who can pick my call at one and when they feel that my voice is not okay The question is who co-op. Why are you at? That's a friend and I think I I think I can say I have one or two or three have sisters That's when they hear the voices I want someone that Simzuri and the voice is not the sheriff. I know the only question I ask is why you and I'll pull up That is friendship for me. That is because they know you and they are there for you regardless Yeah, and I love because your definitions are very good. They're very clear and it really trickles down to who's genuine isn't because so many people are there with you when you're Successful when you're happy when you're celebrating but when you're really down when maybe even need to call someone to bail you out Send some money, you know someone who will come through that is considered a friend So how do we form friendships because you know as kids it was so easy You meet to the playroom in the classroom. You share something in common and that's it. That's your friends But as adults, how do we form friendships? How do you make friends as an adult? Let me use a good theory on how to form friendships, and I'll use is it a theory or Mathematics you go into a formula. Yes, so the formula use is P plus a P plus C plus V P means positivity when I say positivity means we all need someone who can make us feel Good someone who can make us smile Someone who can be empathetic not seem pathetic, you know Someone who can just give us that good positive vibe that we need and for the C is a consistency We need someone who is consistent with us someone who checks up checks up on us. I mean how to could you leave earlier then I could you leave earlier like two months later only because I'm like I'm dizzy At in the mess or time and maybe enough in a way India can feel when you're a figure when rough key a key It takes to share a limo two months later or three months later. Hi, Cheryl. How are you? I'm a bit of a co-star. Well, I can be the intention is not just to check up check on you I do and a layer of the intention is to just maybe borrow you when I say Nicko patient one thousand So that is consistency that one is vulnerability Once you say you want to build a friendship or once you want to have friends You have to be vulnerable to that friend of yours and not to all friends But to some friends and one thing you need to know even before I talk about vulnerability We need at least you with a demographic you ain't just two three or even one that is genuine When I say vulnerability means someone you can be open to about how you feel Someone you can let in into your life. I won't even you know, can you not be tear, you know I'm too many how to out our gopac would trust someone you will trust easily and I'm saying it's not easy to just You know say I'll be I'll be trust. I'll be open to this friend of mine because a babu Can I make you talk or when I believe trust like in it. They don't deserve your trust. I'm a trusty how in a quabroken So that formula positivity Consistency and vulnerability. Yeah, and you see that's very straightforward. Good. If you know, you always start with the vibes Yes, let's say manga good vibes. Yes. Come talk on a good vibes. You know, bet is yeah Yes, okay, and then consistency because they build on the initial connection that you had Yes, also vulnerability because that also comes in later on when you can be able to share And I go through something. I'm a mentally sick or sour So I need someone to talk to or someone who's going to be there for you So that's a very good formula and I think everyone should apply that. Yes You know enough I quit criteria Is this someone I can be friends with long term or not? Yeah, and you know squeeze it I say manga to not categorize come on a quintance. No quintance. Come on. Nicole league. Nicole league come on. He's To our job Barrel. Yeah, what do you think is the value of that when you come to see my dame to not work with? When we grow up, I'm a when we in high school need to find a large friend friend But then the older you get do you see a value in categorizing people as When you are not fit to come a shark who I say my who you near quintance because to nudge on a heebie na heebie Do you see a value in that a hundred percent a hundred because I feel like Mostly I think I've also struggled with data time at some point Quaker everybody in the same box You know, it's something that you learn on a daily basis and whatever you said We have consistency of vulnerability and I feel like if I'm looking back and to myself. I'm like I Have friends But I don't have friends that I'm too much variable to Can only have a weekend up a gear and I'm sure I can speak anything and they won't be judging But what is also another friend that you can call and you're like Remember this this code that goes around that you're your best friend is someone else best friend So I feel like in the circle are the girl child Whatever friendship we have. I don't know if it affects the boy child. I've never had that conversation I feel that is something that may be affected because your friend is someone else best friend So in building up the friendship, it is not easy It is not easy because you can find way in a gang of five girls, but between the five girls I have one that I trust most So it is still friendship, but I don't know what Anthony can call it because it is still friendship We're there for each other. They can pull up at any time, but I'm not afraid to speak to them about whatever I'm going through And I think what you're saying is what people have been sharing about they have friends for specific things Yes, you know best you know Monday now my issues are cause I'm mental health You know, we're not relationships. You know, maybe we're financial issues So Anthony, how would you categorize that? I'm at the way you've said we shouldn't have it's not you don't need to have so many friends So if you have like one friend, okay Who you mother do like okay for men because you know, she's given the perspective of ladies. Yeah for men Yes, is that one friend everything? Well, I think for me, we are not complicated We are very simple and straightforward I think I think for men One thing I'd say for a fact is Most men have very few friends and those few friends are the friends say like two or three Remember Men most of the time one solutions. They don't want stories When a man comes to a fellow man or I go to a fellow man and I tell them this and this is what I'm going through I don't have finances. My job is not really working out. You know this and that family What I expect this one to tell me is a solution and which is so bad Because for us, we expect you to give a solution unlike you ladies Who has a open up? No one be with this and this is how to do it. So I feel for men I think it's a matter of complicated me. We have friends But most of the time Let me use it in what is currently happening. We find Friendship or a friend in in in someone or something that can make us feel safe And there's some men when I see something Which is so sad. There's some men who will find friendship in alcohol Like they will call I cannot be like club. That is my friend I cannot be drug. This is my friend because of the society we are living in that a man should not be able to To open up So, sir, how do you expect a man who has been told that by the society? I'm a raiser How do you expect this one to come to somebody else and open up? Actually, we have in my profession as a counselor very few men come to therapy very few and those who come they either pushed And when you get those who come voluntarily just two or two percent Or three percent and you when you can be so when I do I they need to build something when I do when I I touch you could you jeng in a certain certain way, but but when you talk about friendship in men I feel like Reality what is currently happening most men rarely go to their fellow men to tell them what is really happening because of the shame That when I go to my my fellow man that Baby I'm gonna need to upper And I know anyone I'm gonna gani so that stigma that a man should not be able to open up about what they're really going through Yeah, yeah, which is so sad. It's very sad. I like the way you've brought up Another aspect of sometimes the friendship is not even someone. Yes. It's something. Yeah, so they seek other alternatives So we'll touch on that as we progress So maybe to read require your how do we how do we term that because now clearly women are a bit different? Yes, women usually tend to have someone for something like A specific friend for a specific situation. So how is that termed? How do you categorize that kind of friendship? Well, uh, would I put it in a category? But I feel like for for such a situation it just Comes down to Someone you trust because you can trust every friend And for you ladies But there is that one or two friend That you know, okay You cannot tell your friend everything and that's why they are therapists man. They You cannot just go and say Relationship We are here to help you and support you You know, it's not only your friends that can help you I'm not saying it's about to talk to them. The truth is sometimes we need Professional help. Yes, people never want to admit the fact that they probably need that therapist Because you can see to the friend the lack of cause the guy is such a do Yeah, and I think I have a good idea. They won't give you a solution I don't need to help you But when you go to a professional therapist that I can be and now this is how to compare solution But out of Nikulis a sasa karmany relationship. What do you think you can do? I think this and this is what to do Therapist I can be and now this is the best solution How about you do this and that do you think it will work because for us we don't offer solution What we offer is we guide you to the right solution. So at times, let's not also Focus or picture this whole friendship thing that when I have an issue the only person I can go to is a friend Yes, you can go to that friend If you really trust them and you and you're sure that you can confide in them with whatever that you're going through But also it's important to tell even those who are watching and it's okay to go for counseling Yes But I think I think there's a problem that It comes with therapy And I feel like speaking from Maybe some of the discussions have had I think the financial gap that is there is something that is creating because okay May feel free talking to someone about my shoes into honeydewy Because one thing I know if I come to Anthony and he doesn't know me. He won't judge me That's the first thing I know But now the problem is how do I get to Anthony and then why these therapy places? Does it matter how happy why you guys located? You see a truly information There's not enough information out there that when you therapy you can access it at this place That's when you when you need to talk to someone you can call this number So that that is that's that is still a gap Anthony That is still a gap. It's not like we don't feel like sharing it today therapies But you feel like the financial gap and then where can we get you guys? I like what you have just said. This is a conversation, right? I'm not trying to justify anything, but I want to add one what she has said I agree It's true that In our profession we are better at that much information but the information is there the problem is People don't want to step up to get that Wangali a kufanya research one attacker Every niche one issue in the core therapist equal pro bono But one thing that is very important and this I'll say even to the people who are watching It's very important to invest on your mental health And investing on your mental health doesn't mean just go into a therapist But the same way Mental state you affected So you have to invest as much as The fee comes in of course. It's not it's not cheap, but there are places you can get At the alternatives of When you you know they deal with people who are executive Yes, but then is there an alternative for the common monarchy? I know Tika level five They offer counseling that is 500 pop That is affordable. Yeah, you know, people expect pro bono. I think is it african mindset that therapy is free You know, it's also because the English is also fairly new and it's being Yes, yeah, but then I also want to to find out because she's mentioned something that I think all of us Can agree on it's always easier to talk to a stranger. You feel more comfortable sharing your issues with a stranger Why is that the case? I feel like The reason why someone would feel safe to talk to a stranger the first thing we can say ma How could you and as I and as I come here to join at the end of the day talking to me come as I Serial, eh? Okay in the town who I'm going to take away You know, I'm going to take a leave of me and I'm going to come down and I'm gonna take away probably not So the same same thing with therapy when I have an issue Uh with with a friend when I have a when I have an issue. I don't know if you can go I'm well as a about what I'm going through and see me do it maybe. I'm going to see if I can stranger At any judge, I need to be so I feel like it all depends on it all goes down to Now this is a stranger at the end of the day. I'm joining. I could do it. I'm gyriana But now talking of that The problem is people don't know how to really How I do it how to to go like attenders for stranger You know, but I want to win you when I come to an adjoa. I want to one adjoa I keep on being a little even a little because what I see a cutie Yeah That's another thing that makes people afraid of sharing their issues But because of the shame and the stigma that's associated with all that So, how do you even you know, sorry And I want to find out from from burial To We are good at specific There's this concept of Because I feel like Could you maybe tell us one instance where you realized from this moment on To refer to choose I think um If there's a point I knew I had I never had friends So basically sharing into my personal life. I'm a mom So I at one point I got pregnant and That's when I knew I never had friends Like my phone in the ring I know me mom I'm on my phone in the ring And Because I feel like I came to realize it was all in the fun But that Connection Because you're like what these people that I used to talk to What these people that hey mumbo, Freddie, Mifika, when is the baby mumbo drop and I say weekend They're nowhere. So I feel like me. Uh, that is the point in life. I realized True No, Cheryl is my friend Up So even if there's need for help I'll help you just as somebody I know But not as a friend I think that is what most of us make. We don't even know where to put it Unfortunate that It was you needed friends. You know when you're a lady and you expect and you you need A new group of girls to be there with you. So it was so unfortunate But then I wonder Anthony, why is there why is there like Your friendship in here And you equal Why is that like is it human nature? Is it psychological? Well, uh So that kind of person If you don't blame yourself The problem is most people take fault or take one or two one or two They feel guilty for doing but I feel like the problem but they're not the problem. The problem is that person You know in this life, uh We need to embrace when friends live. It's okay. Yeah, I'm an issue. I figure man. I don't know why So you need to embrace And you can't judge them because that is who they are come even though I'm a choose For example in a case why did I have to get pregnant? Why did they leave because I'm pregnant? You don't blame yourself You know, don't look at them. Look at you Of a person centered theory There's something called locus of evaluation. It's a it's a technique used and in it Yes, I think you're very important lesson, especially for our young ladies and even young men You know just saying you get hurt by your friends and you carry that for the rest of your life You think oh, I may have done something. You're not the problem. They are the problem This is not the right way But they are the problem because maybe they they never really cared Maybe they weren't really meant to be your friend So you just have to accept that and move on But now the toss of this situation Kuna wale wana show up to say Ashida And then at the end of the month Hey Sheryl, see me make a wakiwa suni o ka lethaw, I'm going to produce it next week Through the month I'm in Yamaza End of the month I'm in Kifika Do your nails Straight on the bills Yeah So your friendship, have you experienced that bury? I I don't think I've heard that What were bills? Bills a lot. I think what you make one up. It's more somebody that I understand And then at some point I am not that friend specific for finances as they mean So maybe I miss your finances. Maybe me know a shoulder to lean on. So that's the experience. You don't miss your financing I promise you my shoulder to lean on now But anyway I'm your biggest fan and you genuinely tell them Unfortunately, I don't have because well, you don't care. Then of the day you can't touch them Why they decided to do that or maybe need help? So you don't have You don't another thing Do not ever leave this life being a people please you can never please anybody Focus on those people who love you and support you and are there for you Leave alone the people who hate the moment you start focusing on the people you hate and and and To a point to the potato when you're not going to come and I'm not going to hate So focus on those who love you at this moment Don't focus on those who hate you when you're not going to hate or you're not going to support when you're working there for you When you they're not ready to grow with you Consistently when you're not ready to build that friendship leave them alone focus on those Who are close to you? And I feel like that also you meant to let appear Friends who turn into haters because they're those friends who they knew you five years ago Right now. They see you popping out and they're like I used to know So we we'll come back and talk about these people as well So I want us to take a very short break. I love who took you Rudy I want to call that one day social media Yeah, too to Melissa. How are you differentiating true and false friends? We're going to do anger who you need fake friend and how do you know you genuine friends? What if you want to maintain as a friendship? Yeah, because as an adult How are you maintaining your friendships? So go on our social media platforms at y254 now to turn your comments If you have questions to listen after Rudy after the break to sample all that stay tuned to y254 tv