 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Joe DeVito joins us. Stereochal comedine, you've seen him on The Late Late Show. Comedy Central is live at Gotham. He was a semi-finalist on Last Comic Standing. I've seen him on Chelsea Lately. Headline News, CNN Animal Planet's Wild 100. He's a regular guest on Fox News' Red Eye. You were just on Kennedy's show. You're going to be on Greg Gutfeld's show this Saturday on Fox News. We're going to hold your feet to the fire on that one. Try to talk you out of it. But more importantly, he has an album called First Date with Joe DeVito. Enjoy the soothing sounds of Joe DeVito's incredibly funny comedy by going to joedevito.com and ordering First Date with Joe DeVito. This is your first album, and I would assume you'd talk about dating. I do. And thank you. I should hang up now. Everything was in that introduction, David. Everything? Yeah, it was really worth the previous 16 attempts it took for you to get that correct. There were a couple of run-to's you did where I hope you were also squeezing a medical alert device while you were talking. I didn't think you were going to make it. Just touch and go. It's first thing in the morning and Alex Brazil isn't here, and usually he presses the buttons. And it's kind of sad to see me trying to figure out where the record button is. Joe DeVito, you are a very funny guy. Do you mind if I call you the Italian Andy Kindler? I would consider it a tremendous compliment. It's kind of like talking to an Italian Andy Kindler. How close are you to Andy? I know you open for him. We talk every now and then. Unfortunately, I haven't talked in a while, but we had the same management, and he was one of those people I was excited to meet. I think in Montreal like 10 years ago. He's someone I can call the question every now and then, and it's always fun when I get to work with him because you know what he's like, just talking to him in the crane room. Now, give me an example of a question you would call Andy for. Maybe I could answer it. When's the last time you talked to Andy? What did you ask him? And maybe I could have answered it for you. Well, you know, it usually follows the same pattern that I ask him some question about how to get ahead in the business. And then as soon as the words come out of my mouth, he and I both realize he's really the wrong person to be asking that question. He's gotten ahead in the business the wrong way. He has. I think a more appropriate question would be something where I just keep saying the word niche. Like, how do I get the smallest possible niche for my audience? But yeah, Andy was someone like, I think that right after when I did last comment standing, it's so funny because they get you so hyped up and I'm not a hyped up kind of person. And then when you don't make it to the finals, they just sort of send you to the airport to go home. And I called him and I was like, geez, you know, I'm kind of depressed. And I feel like maybe I blew it and Andy was like, hey, these things come and go, you're funny and it's all going to be good. So that, you know, that was really what I needed to hear at the time and it was a big help. We're all Mickey Rooney's ex-wife. We all go into it thinking I'll be the one that show business is going to change this time. I can bend her or him to my ways because I'm David Feldman. And then after the honeymoon, you realize Mickey's not changing. Elizabeth Taylor is not changing. Do you believe you can change the system? I keep thinking that I'm better than the system. The system is corrupt and the system needs me to purify it. Do you think you can clench your fist, stop your feet and change the system? No, not at all. And the older I get, the thing that's truly tragic is that not only can I not change the system, but you're right, there are times when you think, oh, I'm so much better than this. And then you realize, oh, I'm just not good at this. It's not like I feel like now I'm actually in the midst of a midlife crisis, which is something I used to sneer at people for. I'm like, wow, I'm close to getting a convertible at this point. If only it could be solved with a hair piece. You know what I mean? But what I do think is encouraging now is that systems of all kinds were finding more and more ways around them and that's good news. When I was getting my hair plugs, there was a period where I had to get a toupee to do TV and they call them systems. They call them hair systems. I don't know if this means anything. They found that toupees didn't fall off the tongue the way a hair system did or a hair weave or a hair weave. Or process or method. Yeah, but they would use method. Yeah, they literally came into the waiting room where I was and they said, this is not a toupee. It's a hair system. And I'd say, it looks like a toupee to me. No, no, no, this is a system. They were insisting that it's a system as though that's a positive thing. Yeah, like it's an algorithm of some type. Uh-huh. So there is a system to everything. There's biology, which you cannot change. You're dating, right? You're dating. You're always dating. I am. You've never been married. Is that correct? Never. And that's a system. Marriage is a system. And you can't buck the system because the relationship is dictated by the norms. I think so. And I think maybe you have a choice of deciding not to play the game. But once you're in there, I think of some women I know who were so down on marriage and had such contempt for their friends. And then when they got the big engagement ring, they couldn't wait to show everybody. And they were sort of discussing with toupees that they felt that way. But they were like, I really want to show off this rock. And you think they're better than that? They thought they were better than that. And then when they were in that position, they were like, yeah, sign me up. Is that biological or is it cultural? Are they taught? Are they trained by De Beers to think this way? I know that De Beers created the mythology of the wedding ring and that there's actually no shortage of diamonds, that diamonds are way overpriced. There's no abundance of diamonds, but the De Beers family has created their own shortage. That's true. And up until about 100 years ago, nobody gave a diamond ring for an engagement. Yeah. It's just another one of these silly social contract things we have. But you know, whenever I start to worry about that, I always think if you take a $1 bill and a $100 bill and you hold them up, they're both pieces of paper with pictures and numbers on them. But one is not more valuable than the other intrinsically, but it's only because we believe one is more important and worth more that it works. So it goes to show you the moment we stop believing, everything comes crashing down. So we're all invested in this group delusion. You're right. And dating is that too. You just went out on a date. So you date a lot. Well, you know, I just went through that breakup where if nothing else I got out of it was a couple months from not worrying about looking for someone, which it's just so tedious. And then I'm getting older and last night I'm out with this woman and the date's going well, but my back started bothering me during the day. And when we're sitting there, I realized my back has gone out. So, but I'm trying to convince myself that I'm still this young, but I couldn't move. So it's embarrassing. Like I got up to use the bathroom and I had to do this reverse crab walk and not acknowledge it. And she even said to me, are you all right? I'm backing away from her to this restaurant. So what could I say? She said, are you okay? And I was like, I just can't take my eyes off of you. Which is why I just walked past backward into a waiter. So you go to the bathroom. What restaurant is that? Yeah. What restaurant? It was a new sushi place right next to Gotham Comedy Club. Oh, I know that place. I know that. Osos. Pretty good. They have one of those pulled down toilets. Behind there I keep back pain medicine in the, I'm doing a godfather thing where you go to the bathroom to pull out back pain medicine. I've had David Justkow on and I just want him to be my sidekick as Vito Andolini. It's an obsession that is destroying my show. So okay. That's another one of the great things. You come back from the bathroom and how's your back? Not good because if you would have seen me, if you see me walking toward you, my shoulders are easily six inches off my hips. So that's, that's all I knew I had a problem because that morning I looked in the mirror and I said, hey, isn't my navel usually in the middle? So you know what I'm looking at? Like have you ever seen when a pug runs how their legs don't line up with the front? That's what I look like. So this is a woman watching a man walk toward her like a jogging pug and in my mind I'm thinking she's going to have sex with this person. She's going to have me on top of her with my legs and upper body completely out of alignment. If you could, I know this is a grim image. Imagine our upper bodies connected in the act of love but from the waist down both my legs are outside of her legs. The beast with one good back. I think this was, that's, the Elizabethans would call it that. The beast with one good back. Do women, oh boy I'm going to get into trouble. There are two conversations that are going on now in America. I don't know if I want to go down this path. There's the conversation that men have when they don't think they're being taped or there are no women around and then there's the conversation that men have. I think that's always been the case but that conversation has certainly changed ever since my divorce started. I think my divorce triggered something throughout. You believe it started a national conversation? I do. I think everything changed in 2012. I think women were awakened. I'll shut up, by the way that's the new name of the show. I'll shut up but I do think that in 2012 there was an earthquake, like fifth wave feminism and they all decided something. Do you believe that? Or did you see some kind of change? I think there's a couple of things going on. In terms of that private conversation that men used to have with each other it's never been easier to get caught on recording than it is now. I think there's an awareness now that you just have to be careful with that because not only will you get busted because someone's recorded it but it can be broadcast to the entire world. You can make some dumb off-hand comment and a tweet and then lose your job whereas I remember when I was young the only concern you had was the day the High School Yearbook came out was that hopefully I don't look stupid in a photo and if you survived that day you were good for another year. But as far as what men say with each other and what they say in the public sphere look let's face the facts you talk a certain way to a certain audience and when you have your guard down you speak a different way. Ideally those two parts of your life are at least in sync but if we're going to say there's a private there's a private you in a public view if you have a problem with that then why does makeup exist? If you're not concerned about that then there should be no such thing as makeup I mean it's really painting yourself to look away that you're not. It's the same reason I wear high heels it makes me feel beautiful. Well I think that you have a finely turned ankle and I think it would be a shame to not let it smell about that. There's a time and a place for makeup and a time and a place for shaving I'm talking about me there's a time and a place to look civil I think I used to specifically referring to Pride Week celebration but there's a time and a place for falsies and some sort of tucking device. Well if you were on a first date the conversation is going to be different than the second date and the third date and it's a game and you both know you're playing a game unfortunately at our age it's a different game because you both know you're playing the game whereas when you're you know in your teens and early 20s you are trying to learn the game and if you're too good at the game that's suspect. You're not supposed to be good at the game in your 20s otherwise there's a dishonesty there but at our age at our age you're supposed to be pretty good at the game but the game keeps changing. Well first of all I object to you saying at our age because I am 23 years old. I know. It's true it's true and I think it's interesting because as you get older you think you learn more about how these things work you become conscious of it. To me the saddest part is when you see grown men like us who they're completely unaware of the game and who's calling me now? It's Joe Rogan take the call he's got a much bigger audience talks about it. Look NBC told you not to bother me when I'm so Frank can't you see we're eating here? Alright so I love that story. So tell that story. Okay so Don Rickles is on his first date with the woman. He was on his first date and he wanted to make a good impression and he said to Frank look it would mean so much if he just came over and said a quick hello I know I don't usually like to do things like that but it would be so impressive and Sinatra of course said over he wouldn't when he came over and said hey Don how's it going? Rickles said Frank can't you see we're eating here and he was probably the only person in the world Sinatra having and beaten. Uh huh. You and I are on a first date we met on BJ date you've heard of J date? Yes. This is BJ date. The cut to the chase. It's cut to the chase it's the two Jewish women who have an affinity for oral sex we're going to do this in a second three things one is I once gave Sarah Silverman a joke about women not liking to perform oral sex Jewish women and she goes I'm not going to do that that's not true Jewish women invented sex and I went okay fair enough there is this mythology about Jewish women being bad and I do a joke if Bill Cosby likes his women so lifeless during sex why didn't he go on J date it's not true you know Jewish women are insane well anyway well I found it so much as all women are and someone who grew up Catholic the first time I encountered Jewish women who were unencumbered by that kind of Catholic sexual guilt it was shocking to me that wow there's so much more alive than you know Molly O'Brien that I know from my college who's wearing 15 turtle necks I don't even know if I'm feeling up the correct orientation of her body I may have just been rubbing her back all this time so that was kind of interesting to me that they didn't have that Catholic guilt because the Catholic guilt thing it's very hard to shake yes but we're trafficking and stereotypes my favorite kind of human trafficking you should do that in your act by the way my favorite kind of human trafficking that's a great line let me just let me just reconnoiter here and that's a good Jerry Lewis word reconnoiter yeah I think guilt makes for great sex yeah because there's something at stake in a way I mean the bonobos you've had sex with a bonobo right I found them generous and giving you know what the thing with the monkey sex is I really have an issue with the females ass is swelling when they're an asterisk I know it saves everybody a lot of time it's an unambiguous sign but every time I see it I think my first impression is what's wrong with this poor monkey and then you realize I don't know I know the bonobos it just seems to lack passion what else can I tell you well it's like a handshake to them it's the sex is disposable with the bonobos they just they resolve all issues for sex it's hey how are you wham bam and that's over if I have to choose between a bonobo and a Catholic girl I'll pick the Catholic girl over the bonobo because she's repressed yeah so often that is the choice too I guess here's me as a bonobo okay I thought we had something that would be me as a bonobo unable to appreciate the moment you let just anyone groom life from you I thought we had a connection here okay do you know anybody who can do anything in the business why don't we pitch this as a cartoon you as a bonobo this is a great idea for a cartoon Joe DeVito is this nerdy bonobo who can't get laid in a relationship and he's surrounded by all these bonobos it's the 70s it's basically you in the 70s where everybody's having sex and you're a neurotic bonobo go pitch that's a good idea because for me any cartoon thing is just whatever you have with glasses on it to be a protozoa with a clown that's clearly Joe DeVito I'm being serious here are you looking to pitch any ideas because I'm tired and I can't deal with it when it comes to going into the Bauhaus glass buildings with the people in their suits I can't do it anymore because they never say yes to me and then I get angry if you're looking I should I was never good at stuff like that because they say when you pitch things and you're in a situation of strength and I found my tendency was to open with something like look I need this right and that really does not it doesn't tickle them this is what I'm going to do I'm going to send this to right now this is how I get these out of my system and then he'll say no let's see here idea bonobo monkey with glasses and then just attach my photo who's into long term relationships cartoon this way it gets out of our system he'll tell me why don't leave me high and dry hang on I'm saying cartoon starring that Andy let's see this way he'll say no neurotic bonobo monkey with glasses into long term relationships starring Joe DeVito boom he'll go who's Joe DeVito and then I'll send him anyway he'll send him my website and then he'll get a message that says 404 bad link no I think that I wish I owned all of show business because if I owned all of show business I would say to Joe DeVito you're a bonobo monkey the way you were talking just now about being a neurotic bonobo we're going to bring in is our Hanan Barbera still alive how about Walt Disney is Fleischman is he still making his eye works a lot you know I'll have to check the credit to Steamboat Willie boy that's such a great idea for a cartoon though now most people may not know that bonobos have no hang ups when it comes to sex right yeah they go for it they just go for it but in fact you know I think we're anthropomorphized however you say that word but we you can't say a monkey doesn't have any hang ups if the idea of a monkey with hang ups doesn't exist I think there are monkeys who are aren't they monogamous isn't it a power thing where you can't have this female because I'm bigger than you yeah there's definitely the alpha male social structure and I you know you know me with my my enjoyment of listening to evolutionary biology lecture I was listening to one of these guys that I like and he was saying how you have a strict hierarchy with this kind of monkey was talking about and you have the number one guy and then two three four and five and everybody lords over the guy behind them so they experimented with if we gave injections of testosterone to like three and four and five would they challenge the number one and they didn't what it did was it made them beat the shit out of the type below them worse so they didn't they gave them this extra testosterone and they just became even bigger jerks to the guys behind them wait a second you gave the testosterone to the alpha monkey no you gave it to the guys behind him so what they were thinking was okay if we take guys ranked three and four we pump them full of juice are they going to try and overthrow the guys above them but they still recognize the hierarchy they just made life worse the guys who were already behind them they recognize the hierarchy because it has nothing to do with chemicals it's intelligence it's size it's what you know I think it's I think it's just they didn't challenge it they thought it's the roles they play I think it's when you see people are rude to like supermarket clerks mm-hmm I used to work with a woman who was like that that anyone who waited on her she was terrible to them and that was her way of getting even with perceived slights from people above her which would be obnoxious to people who were in terms of the status quo were lower than her and couldn't tell her to go scratch and I was mortified when she did that because that really bothers me like when I see someone who will just relate to like a janitor somebody like that as if the people aren't even human that really bothers me right me too so when I walk in Manhattan I'll see a dog and I'll watch the dog and then I'll pretend I'm seeing the world through the dog's eyes and the dog is like the terminator right he's assessing smells and colors and people constantly just looking around is he a threat are you a threat oh Molly Molly was here are you a threat are you a threat oh Betty stop by this tree smells like that when you're in Manhattan and you're walking around the city you're constantly subconsciously assessing our place in the chain that makes sense and I that's a good way to put it because that's the kind of thing that's made me more sympathetic to tourists who are walking around staring at the top of buildings and getting in the way and all that it used to make me really angry but what I've realized is if you grow up somewhere where you're just not getting a lot of stimulation around you and then you come to New York with a volume of noises and people touching you and and smells they just haven't developed the neural pathways to handle that so I try to be more sympathetic that they're not dumb and they just don't have the equipment yet to process this whereas it's kind of like my driving in New York theory that it works if everyone drives like an asshole but the moment someone decides to be kind or conscientious everybody starts banging into each other because it interrupts the flow of the hostility that we share with each other and that system works you need to drive like a lunatic and the one person who drives normally and obeys the speed limit screws everything up okay so when I talk to my shrink I say I'm the guy who's righteous I'm the guy who's driving at the speed limit and people resent me because I remind them that they're immoral, that they're thieves that they're breaking the rules do you think I'm paranoid or do you think that there are people who do obey the law who pay their taxes and everybody tries to destroy that person because if you don't have somebody who reminds you how immoral you are then you're not immoral I guess I'm saying I'm Jesus I'm Jesus yeah I was going to say let's step off the cross here Felman please yeah I don't think you're paranoid I think you're self important and delusional well it's interesting because in New York that I don't, I understand what you're saying so I've got a moral code I'm going to stick to and there's a reason why there are rules that you don't cut people off and stuff like that but I don't think the person is even aware enough to look at you and think wow what a mirror he's holding society I think they look at you and they're like look at this chump they don't look at you as a beacon they look at you as like look at this dope it's kind of like the flip side that I'm sure when you've gone to the Midwest in towns where people just like and considerate and kind to each other and I know as a New Yorker you put me around those people and I think you give me two weeks I'll be running this place unless it's a different yard stick it shows you the role of cultures when I moved to San Francisco I thought I was a sharp New Yorker and you know that for broadcast television San Francisco was a giant pizza ready to be eaten remember that line from Scarface yeah yeah that's the edited for TV version of that I thought I'm a New Yorker San Francisco is a giant pizza waiting to be eaten they don't want the New Yorker there's a whole different style where do you think you fit in on the chain of being do you think humans say okay there's this hierarchy but if I change the game there's a different hierarchy so I'm not going to play this game I'm going to play this game because it's easier for me I like this hierarchy because I can rise well as much as we complain about show business I look at my own life and think hey I've got a pretty good scam run here I've got soft hands tell me about it I know right you can still feel my icy touch so yeah I mean there's something to be said for rejecting some of the expectations on you and finding your own way but I think a lot of times I think that was from my understanding what brought down the good vibes of the 60s with that once everyone said yeah we're all going to do our own thing you realize that most people's own thing was kind of being a lazy asshole I guess what I'm saying is most people are not like us in that they're not smart enough to be captains of their own fate and we need them to do the dirty work we are too lazy and unqualified to do ourselves wow being a captain of your own fate I can't even imagine what that would be like are there people who believe that that they get up every morning and think I have complete and total free will oh absolutely I tell you I met with you know like this I met with a life coach the other day and it's a woman I'd met at a show and we talked and she sounded like she was making a lot of sense and I told her about some of the stuff I'm going through and she's like you don't need to do that meet with me for this life coaching stuff and it was really kind of it was very eye opening because we sat there and like you said she said to me it's just a different mindset she said imagine if you've ever been if you could wake up every day and feel like that and not be dependent on anyone else and you could feel like that every minute of every day and when she said that my first thought was is she charging me for this or is this grotes because we didn't talk about it before so that shows you how even in the face of unrelenting positivity I can still dig out a nugget of shittiness for myself to enjoy okay hang on for one second so she's telling you and you're saying in order to be the captain of your own fate you have to wake up and be your own person and yet we are told that we're half a human until we are with another human that in order for us to be fulfilled we have to be in love and dependent on somebody else so it's mixed messages it certainly is and you know it's tough because it's hard not to become cynical that's the answer I was in a 30 year relationship and I was told you're too dependent on one another you need your independence that will bring happiness so everybody became independent and we're both alone that's not good whatever you have they tell you you need the other thing if you're in a relationship you're co-dependent if you're not in a relationship you're all alone how do you win at this how do you win you can't because you know who was independent Tom Hanks in castaway was independent and he ended up having sex with a volleyball you really can't win I think Wilson and Tom Hanks probably got sick of one another I think it was probably times where that handprint face he turned it away from himself just to say look I realize that you're technically sporting goods but I need me time trust me if you had an entire island to yourself I don't care if you were talking to a a rock, a tennis ball, a lacrosse stick there's definitely going to come a moment where you're going to look at it and say you know what fuck you I don't need this shit oh my god do you think you're the only one who doesn't need to be full of air that's so great so how did the date end if you don't mind I mean I don't know we'll see I think I'm still pretty raw from the recent breakup but this young lady seems very nice again she's quite a bit younger so I may be setting myself up for something that could be trouble of its own but we how many years younger do you mind if I ask disgusting she's 22 years younger than me hmm yeah what nerve I have she's 22 years younger go ahead yeah but she's real cute but she's real thing she's 22 years older but no one's 22 years older than me they're all dead but she's real cute I know like that's a mitigating thing oh I know she's a lot younger but hear me out what a shock you need to tell me she's younger and her skin is perfect well I never would have put those two together what about a woman what about a woman your age what about a woman my age well some of them are but I think it's I just know from living on Long Island that these women I'll say things like look I want someone I can relate to and common experiences and they're like look do you have a boat or not I see yes or no question and I tell them I don't have a boat but what I do have is an exceptional heart they can get that from their girlfriends they need a boat they don't need a rental yeah they do not need women are a oh god I'm gonna get I gotta watch what I'm saying here well if we were characters in a sitcom yeah and we were by the way who agreeing with that one they're looking for work what's the name of this sitcom black bald oh my god um yeah wow Jesus Christ you're amazing so you're going out with a younger girl where are you in your life I'm not gonna ask you how old you are but like do you okay do you know where you are on the journey you know what that's where it's gotten a little scary lately because I think with this this recent thing that I went through I'm realizing now that it didn't have a whole lot to do with her it's something that's happening inside of me but again with the midlife crisis I just have become aware that you go through so much of your life thinking what am I gonna do what am I doing and then one day you think what have I done and I feel like I've you know not like I'm leading the best or anything like that but I'm sort of in a mode of looking back and getting kind of reflective that's stressful because I was never married and I don't have any kids and you know I don't have that boat which apparently is crucial so but here's something interesting you know when I was on the first time when we talked you know the breakup was very raw to me then you know I try to be respectful of her there's no reason for me not to she's a good person it just didn't work but she listened to the podcast she listened to my podcast she did and she sent me a text saying she I mentioned that I thought she had been unkind to me she said oh she said ouch I'm sorry if that happens and then I replied with a question mark I was like what's going on here and she said well it's from the podcast why are you listening to the podcast with me and she said well because I read your Facebook every day and I said to her like what are you doing like we had four months where I poured my heart out and you couldn't get away fast enough and now you know what she's saying I don't care about you and I was like oh my god because I don't think she's lying but I don't know what it means and it just it freaked me out and I feel bad too because you know someone cares about me I think she's being honest with that I just don't know what it means when she says it okay let me unpack this because there's a lot yeah there's a lot there this is heavy and it's freighted so it's complicated so let me ask you the first question she listens to my podcast she listened to that podcast because I posted it did she mention me during the podcast did she like any parts of the podcast she did say I listened to you on the David Feldman podcast who was that other guy who kept interrupting she didn't say anything about you hang on for one second is she doing all her Amazon shopping via my website she did not mention you being an affiliate so did did she break up with you do you mind if I ask you this question yeah she broke it off with me oh no doubt about that so she broke it off with you yeah and now she's having breakup remorse I don't think that's it I think it's that she you know we were friends for a long time I just even say were because I hope someday that will change that we'll you know it won't be like it was before but I think she feels I don't think she intended to harm me but she didn't said stuff that I'll stand by that that looking back was like you gotta remember you're talking to another person sometimes and she would kind of go back and forth between she would be really uncommunicative and then she would say something that was so blunt that it almost knocked me over sometimes so and I think also I don't think she has it certainly doesn't have any sort of devious plan that she's trying to stir me up because I've been with women like that where they push away and then just when you they feel like you've healed up they come in to muck around a little bit I definitely don't think it's that I think she doesn't know what to do I just I couldn't figure out women I fell in love with one woman I said okay that's taken care of this is my job for life I'll get a gold watch at the end I'm done figuring out my mother my sisters my aunts all the other way this is it one more and my daughter I remember one of my sons very early on complained to me about his sister what's up with her she just welcome to my world he couldn't figure out his sister and I said I don't know I ask your mother I cannot figure the thing I don't understand about women and no offense well I'll say it about me why would any woman want to spend time with us so like I cannot no offense because I think by the way I think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life I'm serious I'm serious I'm going to send you a transcript of the raw edit because I think you came up with like 20 bits and a cartoon I think well I just once you get this down to a tight 90 seconds that being said you're very funny the idea of going to dinner with you and putting on a dress and earrings and trying to impress you and not eating too much being polite and wanting to bring you back to meet my parents for their approval I don't get it why would anybody want to have sex with you care about your feelings be interested in anything other than your sense of humor so I don't understand women I don't understand why any woman would go out with me why would any woman be interested in what I have to say well all those questions you asked if you want me to put you in touch with someone who came to a definite answer on that I can give you an email hang on we decided yeah I don't I wrote back like a parody of ants yeah I guess that's a rejection I guess it was done already not the way I'm going to do it baby is it too much like ants yeah see now I feel better now I feel better all it takes is to be rejected by somebody who's funny and knows the business and then I go okay it's been done yeah it's getting rejected by a schmuck it stings he just says no not going to work and then I go by the way getting rejected by a schmuck also known as life but what about hang on now maybe this is an interesting way to make money you know like shark tank where you pitch money-making ideas and you compete to get the investment what about we have like a shark tank of really qualified smart like Robert Smigel Steve Martin Marty Short Lauren Michaels and creative people pitch ideas knowing that they're never going to get made that's the agreement but you are told why it's never going to get made by people who've been in the business long enough to tell you even if we made it you'd be unhappy because it would be that's a funny idea for a television show yeah because you'd have to get it from the right people because I remember when I worked a corporate job I worked in the creative department for book club companies and agencies and stuff like that and the marketing people would drive us nuts because they were the completely opposite side of the brain and you'd be in these meetings with someone who felt like they had to give some sort of feedback to justify why they were drawing a paycheck and you'd present a design or something like that or some copy and they would say yeah yeah I like that but make this part green and you say like this look there's no reason for that to be green you're just saying that that's something to say and you don't even understand why you're saying that and you just do it with those people so that's what I think of whenever I see a TV show that's so incredibly bad now I think you know I wonder when this started it was pretty good but then all the people who had to stick their fingers into it they're the ones who gave us this garbage at the end uh-huh it's almost like the opposite of a refining process where ideas go through and people contribute and they become shittier as they go along wow you're amazing so you're going to be on Greg Gutfeld's show on Fox News Saturday night Saturday at 10pm and the name of the show is called the Greg Gutfeld's show Greg Gutfeld's show do you know what you're going to talk about? don't know they usually send us the topics uh the day of so I have some time to collect my thoughts and I did the show once before but unfortunately didn't air because of breaking news but it's pretty cool there's a live audience it's different do you think a live audience in comedy might cut into Fox News's credibility? well they're doing these different kind of shows now I was making a joke sorry well yeah I know I know what you're doing but you know what happens is that sometimes this would happen with red eye was that clips would circulate but the people watching them didn't know what the show was and they'd be like why are these people so flipping about the news this is an important story I had one it was on Kennedy's show and someone from Times of India watched it and they could not grasp what the show was and they pretty much were saying why is Kennedy from MTV and a comedian why are they talking about terrorism but then when I read the article I was like that's kind of a legitimate point Kennedy is a libertarian right? yes what's her last name? full name is Lisa Kennedy Montgomery and she was named after Jack Kennedy I would assume or Robert Kennedy I guess right around that time sure and it's interesting that she picked the name Kennedy yeah what's that about? I don't know hang on they bought our Shark Tank idea alright Joe DeVito D-E-V-I-T-O go to JoeDeVito.com by his new album first date with Joe DeVito have you ever been married? never married never even close first date with Joe DeVito watch him on Gregg Gutfeld's show on Fox News let me just swallow that for a second I'm putting up some more recent video clips I started doing that yesterday this is how much I respect you and how funny I think you are I'm actually plugging Gregg Gutfeld's show on Fox News that speaks volumes to how brilliantly funny you are and you'll come back? absolutely I love talking to you not just a good time but rather enlightening exchanges we have here you're amazing on Twitter at Joe DeVito comedy and same on Instagram at Joe DeVito comedy you're listening to highlights from the David Feldman show heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher and now YouTube please subscribe to this channel for more information go to davidfeldmanshow.com thank you for listening thank you you sad pathetic humps