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Bob's Notes: Matthew 6

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Published on Apr 5, 2012

Hello. I'm Bob Smeerfak. But not really. This series is designed for theological seminary students with approaching exams who have not had time to read the Bible, and for popes tired of the same Britney Spears song coming up on shuffle on their iPods.

Matthew Chapter 6. Let's go.

Jesus remembered he had a few more things to say while he had everybody there on the mountain, so he tacked these on before he let them all get on with their lives. He stressed the importance of not doing good deeds so people could see you because that's so lame. This contradicted what he said in Chapter 5 about letting men see your good works but it was a long sermon and no one was taking notes. That didn't matter anyway because God was listening and he was going to bible it all later.

Same goes for prayer. Make it a private event because people can't see God so why should they see you praying to him. Obvious exceptions to this are at mealtime in restaurants, public schools, and nationally televised sporting events. He didn't say that part but millions of modern day Christians can't be wrong.

Also don't repeat mindless bullshit when you're praying. In fact, God knows everything you need without you praying. But do pray, and do repeat stuff. But make sure you repeat this: "Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen." Got it?

He laid it out for them: if you forgive other people, cake. If you don't forgive other people, no cake. Speaking of no cake, he said when you starve yourself to get closer to God, that's not an excuse to go without showering.

He said don't go in for bling down here because it's going to run out. Sign up for Heaven instead because Heaven's going to be a bottomless swag bag.

Then a whole bit about the eye and whether you let light into it or dark into it, and whether the light you let in is light or dark and how light or how dark and all that. It's impossible to explain but it's like when you're reading Mayan hieroglyphs and you can see it's a bird thing eating a seed and the ancient linguist says it means the world is going to end in 2012 and you're like okay whatever. So let's just move on. But if it's connected to what he said next about not being able to serve two masters, that's easy enough to understand and he should've just said that.

Now regarding important matters of personal sustenance he said don't give it a second thought. Food, water, clothes -- don't worry about it. Look at birds -- they sit on their ass all day and God feeds them. He likes you better than birds. He may have left out the part about the sand grouse having to works its ass off eating up to 80,000 seeds per day to survive, and how it carries water trapped in its breast feathers back to its young, because it was already a long-ass sermon and no doubt his disciples were telling him to wrap it up, it's getting dark out.

But basically he said thinking isn't going to make anything happen and you can't make yourself taller by thinking. You just need faith. And protein. Well, he didn't say that, but he knew it, because he knows everything. But if you are going to think, think about God and God will hook you up with the rest.

Next in this series we'll move on to Chapter 7. Spoiler alert: We're so not done with the sermon on the mount yet.

As always, I'm not a religious figure. But if you want me to save you or damn you to hell, I'll do my best.

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