 The 40 or T podcast My journey is very very different to everyone else's cuz I'm 43 years old now And I wasn't diagnosed until I was 36. So my life was very troubled so One of the things like with autism is you get obsessed or you get obsessed about absolutely everything you find You find a piece of music and you listen to five seconds of it over and over again Or you hear someone say a word and use that word in everything that you've ever done a man You find a film and then you watch that film until you know every word and you don't understand I know and else wants to watch that film with you even though that's the only thing you ever talk about and so Not knowing but I was autistic As a kid I had like a really good imagination But then as soon as my teenage years hit it felt like all these walls that were in my head fell down and they like Protected me from the world did these walls it protected me from sights and sounds and all sorts of things because she got so Energy as a kid and then you talk to sit down in high school and learn and the information was just overwhelming And I didn't realize I was being overwhelmed. I didn't realize I was struggling I didn't realize I couldn't talk to people So one day when I found alcohol, I was like wow, this is like the greatest thing in the world This light eased everything and I was 14 years old when I found alcohol and then I very quickly Almost drank myself to death and by the age of 21 I was in rehab and I was in rehab for a year and a half And I had Callum at the age of 19 So yeah, so I was in rehab for a year and a half and then I came out of rehab and they'd kind of cured the alcoholism Kind of I said kind of because I still I had a cook Well, I have many relapses but every time I drank these spells Yeah, I wasn't drunk though like my body was drunk But my mind wasn't drunk that drunk feeling never ever came back like it's really really weird how they Reprogrammed my brain, but like I'm like a sponge for information as well So every day in rehab, I was just like absorbing all them all this information and learning Because in rehab you need to learn the rehab that I went to And rather than relying on the 12-step program or stuff like that what the rehab did But I went to be taught you how your brain worked and because when you're an alcoholic or an addict You tend to have a drink and you blame it on something small and it's not that that happened It's something that happened like five days ago that led to this snowball effect And so in rehab, yeah, they teach her to follow the thoughts back and discover where they're all coming from So I spent a year and a half of like Learning that so I came out of rehab with all this knowledge and all this wisdom But I was a 20 like 23 year old and so all my social skills have been damaged from other drinks Then all my social skills have been damaged on top of that from all the rehab and I couldn't drink I couldn't go out and drink So I started to be very very insulin like I found it really hard to talk to people talking to people would make me anxious and Like someone a girl would maybe say oh It was nice to see you and then I go home and I'd be like did you mean it was nice to see me? Or is that what people saying it was like so confusing you get these really simple sentences And they would be so simple that they would cause you to break down like you don't understand Like because people talking such strange ways But like oh and all that kept going on I'd get more addictions So I got addicted to painkillers got addicted to other drugs and all sorts of things it's like no matter what I did I couldn't stop the addictions and Then at the age of 32 or something I went to uni to study And at university I saw this on one of your posts on social media You had a very similar experience that I had at uni I tried to fit in the alcohol is Well, it's it Sorry go on Right well at uni. No, I meant what you meant you said you were very isolated from people at uni And I had the exact same thing I tried to fit in everyone was going out freshers week Everyone was going out drinking everyone was invited everywhere and I wasn't invited any place any time Ever and it was like there were people who spread rumors in class about me and things because I was always honest And I assumed everyone else was always honest So I like people know I was an alcoholic and I had addiction issues because I thought that's what you should do But little did I know you being honest and open you're not lying you you know you put in stuff out there Yeah, I think it's it's it's really hard, isn't it because if you don't have Sort of an awareness of of autism because in a lot of people's mind even when we We hear stuff about autism you kind of always jump to these kind of very extreme stigmas of what you think it is and it's very hard to Like it's like a wall for you being able to identify yourself with that. Yeah, because it's so so out there and you know, you feel like it's a separate thing to you and I think you know, definitely one of one of the biggest contributors to me with my issues with with alcohol was Alexa Fimea, you know Not being able to attach My my thoughts and their and experiences to my emotions. Yeah, and it's really interesting when you said about You know something happened like five days ago And then you're trying to manage it now by by using the these substances to kind of help with that And that that's kind of a lot to do with with my experience of like having that separation It's like right. I feel stressed. I only know that I feel bad I don't know why I feel bad, but I just know I feel bad and there's no way to process that in any way because I don't know what the cause is and I Think that's that's a really I think Alexa Fimea in in general especially, you know related to autism. Yeah, it's very very It's not very understood and I think it's you know It definitely has a really big impact on our ability to like regulate ourselves And I know in general that the statistics around Addiction and around alcohol are really really really tough It doesn't help that alcohol so glorified in a UK. It's it's I mean, it's it's it's insane Just, you know, the amount of events that as you said during freshers week the amount of events that go on It's it's pretty much a haven for for binge drinking. Yeah, and You know something that that people don't you know that I didn't see around university Nobody told me is that there was actually like a really hefty amount of deaths associated with binge drinking and it's some It's It's very hard hitting like for me to come across that information. Just be like geez like How is this still happening like how is this still a thing? Why why is why is it such a such a part of our culture that we go out and consume this This this substance very readily like our parents are like, hey, do you want some do you want some alcohol? Do you want a beer with this with with this meal or your friends like oh, I brought, you know, a bottle of vodka. Let's drink this it's It's mad and the the effects of it You know almost immediate you have withdrawal you it's the only drug It's the only drug. I like missing rehab But it's the only drug that affects every single part of your body when I'd gone into rehab the backs of my legs my calves Cramped they would not like Relax it was really horrible was that but yeah, alcohol is the only thing that affects like everything Fix your brain fix your liver your blood vessels. Yeah, it's it's it is it is absolutely crazy Yeah, but I know we're not talking specifically about alcohol in this cool I could talk about alcohol all day if you want to do Thomas But yeah, so yeah, so I was at uni and like it turns really bad and then I had to take a year out To recover because that's like I had like the worst year of my life in 2013 And then I spent a whole year to like preparing and going back and I just smashed it when I got back And I got a first I finished off of my class. I was on the radio and newspaper and everything But then as soon as I finished uni, I got I had an IQ test around that time like A friend was like studying to be a doctor and they tested out the proper IQ test a two-hour one like for one with all sorts of things and I enjoyed all of it but my processing speed on it was really really bad And they said like when the results came back that I had strong signs of autism. So I went to a guy Guy door. I went to someone a doctor and they diagnosed me with autism and that moment was a Craziest moment ever because my processing speeds are so slow anyway I'll get upset by something today, but I won't react to it for like another few days That's like but this thing was so big this was like looking back on my entire life and Everything was different and like the only good example I have is like it's a twist at the end of the film like you've watched this massive film and then suddenly they say oh no But the like it was this way and you're like what and that's exactly how I thought and that it was crazy I went through all the stages of grief. It was denial. There was anger. There was sadness It was like lost and like yeah, but as soon as it like Clicked that's what was going on and because one thing my autism gives me is this Amazing ability to sense patterns and solve puzzles and like I see patterns everywhere It's like it makes songwriting and script writing and anything creative really really good because I feel the patterns when they're in place And so when I was looking back at my life It allowed me to see this pattern of creativity and every time I created something I was getting out the stuff That was in my head and I'd done it all my life and it was only at that point that I was like This is how I keep myself. Well, this is how I stop drinking. This is how I keep the addictions under control By keep making things and so from that point on it became like my mission to like keep creating and tell people how Important creativity is because it really does save lives It like keeps you well It allows you to get out over subconscious thoughts It allows you to get out all the horrible thoughts all the nasty things all the horrible experiences It allows you to get them out in a really productive and safe manner and put take like literally take them Pull them from yourself and put them somewhere else But like but where my brain is it like it constantly fills up with this stuff like all the sensory input and all the bad thoughts and things Yeah, so the creativity is a constant job So it's like I'm forever like grabbing bit like a bucket and you try to poke some holes into it It's like the let the water come out exactly. And so yeah when I got that my diagnosis That's what clicked and it was like this is what's what my life is and this is what I should be my life My my good friend Brian bird he he does a lot of like Public speaking around the country. He's Very late diagnosed individual And he talks a lot about sort of the experience of late diagnosis. It's kind of like You're basically challenging the the whole identity that you've had for the majority of your life And the the older that you are the the more like hard-hitting it is and It is kind of in a sense morning, but it's also like Sort of being born again, like you've had a you've had a new you're having a new adolescence She kind of looking back for your life and picking things out and going You know the stuff that you gave yourself a hard time You pick it out and you like look a bit more closely in the lens of the lens of autism Sorry, it's like Yeah, suddenly the the picture chains a little bit and it's it's kind of like you see that event from a whole different new angle Yeah, yeah, like I felt very sorry for the younger me, but one who didn't have a clue what was going on because it was I just I don't wish but if there was someone there to just Help and just say oh, this is how things should be which is kind of like what happened with me and 12 gauge Like when Callum came to love with me. It was like that's what I did I was like I did what should have been done with me with 12 gauge Because I just needed someone to pick me up and hold me tight and say bright That's not how things work. This is how you should do it and this is why you should do it And that's what happens when you don't do it like that because people just give instructions Don't be like I don't drink too much. You'll die and like, okay I'm doing what I want and you'll drink But like and so they don't they don't give you the detail Do that. Yeah, right. This is what happens in your brain and this these chemicals go open. Yeah, like it's just It's like it's like what the doctors do. It's like when they tell You know people who are becoming very very overweight and obese they tell them like you need to lose weight It's like why yeah, but what's that gonna do? How am I supposed to do it? They just kind of give you this list of things that you're supposed to do when you They're all very very complex things and they have lots of different aspects to them that you kind of have to work through and try out and They just don't communicate that in a way that that that people take it seriously. It's like, oh, yeah, the doctors Yeah, exercise. Yeah, you well sleep. Well, like of course Um Yeah No, definitely. It's yeah. No, it's just mad. It's just a mad world that we live in and Just a mad society as well. But yeah, that's that's basically my story and that's why I create it's like it keeps me well And it keeps me it's important and it keeps me happy more than anything else Definitely