 Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J. Carol Lash with Alameda Spaswale. Lashko left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. In America, election day, and I'm going to receive a great honor from the city. They're using a Mayanetic stuff for voting a place. Mama, I'm so proud. I'm a clean up, a sweep out the store, and there's a look of spick in a span. How do you know that a picture I've got of a Washington across in a Delaware? I'm a scrub that a picture so hard, it's a look like a Washington is a rowing in a fresh water. Yes, Mama Mia is the election today. But it's hard to believe some citizens, they don't appreciate this right to vote. They don't even bother to vote at all. But then I'm reading a paper about another citizen. He's a feeler so proud that he's a voter seven times. Of course, this year is not too much excitement. But last year there was a vote for the president. Everybody was trying to guess who was going to be elected. But there was only one fellow who wasn't really sure. That's Dr. Gallup. He's a pick, Mr. Dewey. He was all right, but you must give this Dr. Gallup a credit. He was very close. Dewey is coming in a second. But like I'm going to say, this year is only a little election. They're not the voting for people, they're voting for the issues. Yesterday I was reading the ballot, but I'm no understand it too much. So I was to go to my night school class to ask my teacher Miss Spaulding. America, I love you. You're like a papa to me. From ocean to ocean. Quiet please. That's better. I'll call the roll. Mr. Baskov? Here, Miss Spaulding, I'm a brought to you this apple. Well, thank you. Mr. Horowitz? Here, and I, Miss Spaulding, also brought you an apple. How sweet of you. Mr. Schultz? I'm independent. I did my homework today. I can only fooling Miss Spaulding. You brought an apple too. Well, no. In my delicatessen we was out of apples, so I brought you this can of apples off. Class, I think this is very sweet of you, and well, thank you. Now for our work. I told you yesterday we were going to have a test, so let's begin right now. Himmer such in gratitude, give back those apples. No, that's it. Well, don't worry. In as much as tomorrow's election day, I've prepared an oral test about the workings of our government, and I'm sure you'll all know the answers. Now, who can tell us what we call the instrument, which is the law of the land? Come now, it's easy. Mr. Horowitz, what is the law of the land? My mother-in-law. Miss Spaulding, it's the constitution. That's very good, Mr. Schultz. You are so smart today I should have my head examined. Miss Spaulding, ask me some more. Today I'm Einstein. Einstein? Well, I'm glad to hear that, Mr. Schultz. Give me the qualifications of a representative. Don't you know the answer? No. Oh, what are you looking so surprised about? Einstein shouldn't be able to answer such a simple question. Mr. Horowitz, suppose you'll give us the qualifications of a representative. With pleasure. A representative has got to be 25 years old, a citizen for seven years, and a resident of his state. That's good. Now, Mr. Baskow, you may give us the qualifications of a senator. Well, a senator, he's got to be 30 years old, a citizen for nine years, and a resident of his state. Fine. Now, Mr. Schultz, what are the qualifications of a man running for the presidency? He's got to be a Democrat. No, no, a man doesn't have to be a Democrat in order to become president. A Republican can become president, too. Then what's holding him back? Come on then, yes, you don't mind. May I volunteer the correct answer? Yes, please, Mr. Olsen. Or if you wish, I can recite the whole Constitution by heart. Truth gives the answer, Olsen. Don't fill a bustle. Mr. Schultz, please. Mr. Olsen, tell us the answer. Very well. Qualifications for the presidency. A man must be at least 35 years old. He must be native-born, and he must have lived in the country at least 14 years before the election. Thank you, Mr. Olsen. I can always depend on you for the correct answer. Well, thank you, Mr. Spaulding, but really, you shouldn't praise me so much. Then I turn my head. Go on praising him. A couple of good films, maybe his head will come off. Sure, they say that because you are jealous of my mental development. I study hard to develop my brain. What do you do? Me? I eat fish. Oh, that's ridiculous. Fish does not develop the brain. Well then, noodle soup develops the noodle. Oh, Schultz, you are just a big clown. Oh, please, gentlemen, please. Mr. Spaulding, Mr. Spaulding, I'm going to ask you a question. You know, tomorrow people is going to vote in a May star. Well, yes, you told us. Isn't it wonderful, Luigi? You're on the way to you must feel real proud. Proud for a whole week he's walking around like a peacockle. But, but, Mr. Spaulding, I'm a brother voting a ballot. He's got a lot of words I'm going to understand what they mean. You explain it, please. Well, I can't go through the entire ballot, Mr. Baskow. However, we all do have a vital interest in tomorrow's voting. Proposition number four, for instance, authorizes the expenditure of $3 million on schools. $3 million. What will they do with so many blackboard erasers? Now, Mr. Schultz, it will buy a lot more than blackboard erasers. That money will be spent for new schools, larger playgrounds and the appointments of many new teachers. That's a very good proposition, Mr. Spaulding. I'm going to tell all of my friends and everybody I'm a know that should all vote for it. That's right. Let's have more schools, more teachers, more education. I tell you, fellow citizens, now that you have elected me as your president. Mr. Schultz. Now that you have elected me as your senator. Mr. Schultz. Congressman. Mr. Schultz, stop that or get out. They treat me like I was the Navy. Mr. Pascuali, listen to Mr. Pascuali. It's something very important. When you come into my store to vote tomorrow, one thing you got to do. Vote yes on a proposition number four. That's it for schools. All right, Luigi. I'm going to vote yes on a proposition number four. If you vote yes on a proposition number one. What a show, Pascuali. What's the proposition number one? Marry Rosa. Pascuali, you're just a waste of your time. Who's a waste of the time? Luigi, ever a minute you ain't married to my daughter Rosa. That's one minute of happiness that's a loss to forever. For me or for you. For her? I mean it for you. Pascuali, stop it. Even if I'm going to get married, isn't that going to be Rosa? She's a two-fatter for me. Fatter, fatter, fatter. Why wasn't you here during the war? Everybody wanted a fatter. Besides, Luigi, Rosa is not a two-fatter. She's just a little... Buxom. Isn't too much a box. All right, Luigi, you vote or no on a Rosa tomorrow when I'm going to vote on that school proposition, I'm not only going to vote or no, I'm going to put down absolutely not the donor body to call a man. But, Pascuali, one thing is I got nothing to do with the other. I think, as a duty as a citizen, you should have told everybody they should have voted for this school thing. For me, I'm going to stand in my store all the day tomorrow and tell the people just how they should have voted. That's how I'm going to feel about it. You're going to tell... When I'm going to see how you feel like a doctor, Luigi, it's making me change my mind. That's good, Pascuali. Good. I'm going to give you a little tip. Tomorrow, when a people is a company you stall, make sure you stand right next to the port of the boat. And when you hand them a pencil, you tell them just how they should have voted. That's a very patriotic. It's what they call electioneering. That's a good advice, Pascuali. Thank you. And now, if you're excusing me, I'm going to go to my store and clean up. Sure. Go, Luigi. And, Luigi, about Rosa, some day I'm going to help you out of a really terrible trouble and then your little heart is going to be so grateful to me. You're going to marry Rosa without even asking me. Is that possible, Luigi? Well, Pascuali, everything is possible. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Go, go, go. Hello? Left is a poor room. Pascuali, get me Vincent. Hello, Vincent. Look, Vincent, I'm going to need a little help from you tomorrow. My friend, Luigi, is going to be electioneering tomorrow in front of his store. And that's against the law. So you get one of your friends. He should have bought a badge to make him believe he's a policeman and arrest Luigi. Yeah. Then I'm going to come along and pay off for your friend with a bribe. But, Luigi, I think I'm going to save him. Big joke, eh? What? You're going to send a fellow named Tom, eh? Good. And I don't forget. Thank you. Goodbye. Hey. Oh, everything's working out fine. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow and this time I'm going to be father-in-law. And Luigi's are going to be like a freaky lane that says that a lucky ol' son. Second act of Luigi Bascuali's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, is the come electioneer day. You should see how the city is a fix-up of my store. Outside they put a big American flag. Inside the store, they got nice tables and chairs. And all day long, the people that come to my store walking inside the boat in a boot close up with a little shower curtain and a boat. Well, anyway, I'm standing in my store now telling all the citizens they should have voted yes for a school proposition or when it... Do I take this into any boat? Okay. Hello, mister. When are you going inside the dis-a-boot? Maybe you've voted yes on a school proposition. It's a very important thing. What? Uh... Uh... Luigi, my fellow woman! Hello, Schultz. Luigi, come with me outside. I want to talk with you. Schultz, you coming to my store to vote? No, no. I'm in a different neighborhood. We got a voting place in the tailor shop. Ooh, what fun. You vote and get your pants pressed at the same time. Oh, oh, excuse me, Schultz. Hey, mister voter, when are you going inside to vote to make a sure... Luigi, come here. Huh? So little don't come. Don't you know you're in-a-loud to tell these people how to vote? But Schultz, Pasquale told me as a patriarch to tell the citizens about this school proposition. Because that's electioneering and that's very important because it's a give-up proposition for three million dollars. Oh, that scheming Pasquale, she got you for Schimelts. But also, miss Spalding, miss Spalding... Stop, stop, stop. What miss Spalding said is all right, but not outside the voting place. Oh, you mean I should have go inside and tell him? No, no. Go to a movie, feed the pigeons in the park, throw rocks at motorcycle cops. Anything but no electioneering. Electioneering? Well, Pasquale wasn't telling me as a patriarch. Petri added that's against the law. I'm a proc of the law. Schultz, this is terrible. What's terrible? They didn't catch you, so you're lucky. Sheer up, you just outsmarted Pasquale. Oh, smile, Luigi. Remember what they say, he who laughs last is furthest away from the televisions, eh? But I gotta go now, Luigi. Come on, let me see his smile. Be like me, always laughing. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, my rheumatism is killing me. That is a good thing Schultz has awarded me. Hello, Luigi. Hey, how come you're not telling the voters what they should vote for? Pasquale, you tried to get me into trouble. Schultz wasn't just here, he's telling me as against the law. I should have tell the people to vote. Oh, that a delicatessen of man. Luigi, I'm a surprise at you. Does Dada Schultz ever answer one question or write in the classroom? Well, I know. No? Of course not. He's a one step lower than an idiot. What they call a marooner. Pasquale, Schultz has told me there's a big galore, no electioneering. Luigi, you're all mixed up. This is no electioneering, as it got nothing to do with a voting. No? No. It's got to do with jewelry. Jewelry? Sure. I'm going to explain to you the whole thing from a history. All right. You see, when America's the first to start during the Civil War, let me see, it was a year of 16 or 20, there was to have three political parties. The Whigs, the Tories, and the Carpenter Baggers. Carpenter Baggers? Yes. There was a politician's a soul of vacuum cleaners, understand? Now, the Whigs, there was a voter who had a ball in the head so they had to pay. You see? That's how a company called the Whigs is. That's very interesting. And the Tories? Well, there was a two kind of Tories, English and Italian. The English was called the British Torry and the Italian was called the Cacciatore. Oh, Pascuare, I thought the Cacciatore was the name of a food. Well, sure. Lots of food is the name of a bigger people. Napoleon is a Napoleon of cake. General Custer? That's a frozen Custer. They even named a herring after Bismarck. Oh, Pascuare, you're so smart. But you still didn't explain to me about this no lection in it. Well, I'm coming to this. What's the trouble they was having in those colonial days with the woman of voters? Oh, there was a lot of voting accidents. Voting accidents? Yes. You see, these are lady voters that they would go to the voting machines all dressed up. We're in a lot of jewelry and their hair rings on their fingers and earrings in their ears. Then when there was a bend over the machine with the vote, the earrings got caught. It was a terrible accident, so they passed the law and from that time on, no election earrings. And you see? You understand? Maybe I shouldn't have taken the trouble to tell you all this. No, I don't think you should, but, Pascuare, why should Caesar tell me something else? Why, why? Because he's always opposite. Now, come on, you wasted a time. All these people are walking in your store and you ain't saying nothing. That's right. You're right, Pascuare. Hey, mister, you going inside to vote? Ah, 72. Over. 72 proceeding at once. Welcome. It's all right, mister. And don't forget to vote a yes and a proposition and number four. Hey, yo, what are you doing? Oh, hello, mister policeman. I'm Luigi Bascuare, and this is my store. Are you going to vote the number four and a proposition? Look, did you ever hear of a thing called no electioneering? Oh, sure. I'm watching a movie. Oh, sure. I'm watching a good. But so far, I'm not to catch you one lady voting with errands. Listen, have you been trying to tell the people how to vote? Well, it sure is a wonderful idea. More money for the schools. That's all I want to hear. Come along with me. What? You're under arrest. Come on, my man. Just a minute, officer. Who are you? I'm a Pascuarean. Be careful to who you're raising your voice at, to who. Pascuare, don't... Don't worry, Luigi. Cops are going to scare me. Come here, friend. I'm going to talk with you for a minute. Huh? What is this? Who are you scared of, Luigi? Good job. Like he was a perfect policeman. Huh? Oh, Vincent is a really picky good man for the job. Vincent. Who's that? That's all right. The play dumb. You're looking upon it, too. One minute. And look at those flat feet you've got. Just like a real cop. What? Of course, the next time you're ready to uniform it gets the one that fits you. You look like a bum in that one. All right. You can come along, too. Oh, please. Please, where are you taking us? The station house. Don't take me there. I've never been arrested in my life. Luigi, don't bag. All right, officer. We go to the station house with you. Let's start a walk. You don't have to walk. Just get in that car. Mommy, everybody is looking at you. Hey, Tom. Don't act so good. You just gave me a push. It's almost a broken two ribs. All right, sit back. Come on, my man. Luigi, don't worry. One of my friends, Vincent, had done something he doesn't right. Just think he's even went to the trouble to run a police car. Hey, Fudd. What was all that excitement around here? I don't know. Some guy caught a lectionary. What's his name, Pascal? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, some cop grabbed him with another guy, Pascuali. Uh-oh. Looks like I was a little late. Vincent ain't going to like this. Oh, Pascuali, it's terrible. How long are they going to keep us in this little room? I don't know, Luigi, but are you not going to stay here long? If you lose your case, the next stop is a jail. A jail? Yeah, and they got a specialist celler for lonely bachelors. They call it solitary confinement. Pascuali, who had to put us in a jail for the lectionary and you said it was illegal? Luigi, it's not my fault that this year's an old lectionary. You know how every year a woman's style has a change. Last year, they was away long with dresses. This year, short dresses. But, Pascuali, the earrings are why they're nowhere to them. Luigi, whether the women is away short dresses, who's looking at the earrings? My son is in no doubts about it. You in a terrible trouble. But I'm going to get you out. But, Pascuali, you know how to do this? Absolutely. I'm going to pay that a couple with this money and pssst you out the hole. Pascuali, you're going to do all of this for me? Sure, little cabbage ahead. Now I'm going to do you a little favor, you do me a little favor. All right, Pascuali, what the favor you want I should do for you? Guess it. I'm a trapped. Luigi, what's so happen that the blush and the bride is a follow us here. I'm going to call her in. Rosa! Rosa! My little orange blossom. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. Rosa. Luigi's have a bad time today with the election. Looks like they're going to try to put him in a jail. Say something nicer to cheer him up. Sing Sing! Who shut up? Now Luigi, like how my promise I'm going to take care of everything. Oh officer, what do you want? All right, at the time of the jokers that go far enough, the heads of the fifteen of dollars that we stop at the whole thing. A bribe. Not so loud at the real cops that they're going to hear you. Look, Vincent is sending you over to help me scare Luigi. We'll stop already. Luigi is so scared that he's a willy to marry Rosa. You can't be more scared than that. What? I don't know this, Vincent or this Tom. Furthermore, I'm bringing you up on charges of attempting to bribe an officer. An officer? Wait. You a real officer? Well, what do you think I am? And I want to enter this case on the docket. Luigi Basko, electioneering in the twenty-first district. Are you Mr. Basko? Please, Your Honor, judge your lieutenant. If I'ma did it wrong, it was all of my fault, but I'ma didn't know. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Please, please, lieutenant, don't have to put my name in another big book. I'm another citizen, but to believe in me, since I'ma come to America, I'ma do everything I'ma can to obey the laws. When I'ma go in an elevator, Saini says, watch your pickpockets. Once I'ma ride up and down a whole day just to watch in a pickpocket. Street designer says, stand in a safety zone. Every time I'ma cross the street, I'ma stand in a safety zone, even though I'ma take on my life and on my hand. I'ma remember the first the week I'm in America. First time I'ma turn on in my radio, men is to say, keep a tune to this station. Your Honor, I'm over a year in this country the only station I'm ever in. First of all, according to the charges, you are electioneering in favor of the school proposition. Now I see by the returns that are coming in that that proposition is being carried by about 12 to 1. So it looked like everybody was on your side anyway. Still, you shouldn't have been electioneering. Please, Mr. Lieutenant. Who is this man? Your Highness, I'm a Pasquale, a fellow who's abroad in Luigi from the older country. It's all of my fault. I was a play of joke on Luigi, so he should have married my daughter. I'ma the one who's in courage here, Mr. Electioneer. What? Yeah, then, you see, excuse me, my throat. Then I was a friend of mine who's supposed to come over and make believe he's a rest to Luigi, you see. Instead, is a common you fellow. How am I supposed to know he's a real cop? I'm a police. I've got this shot. Mr. Basquale, you may go home. Oh. In the future, watch what you do. I'll thank you, Lieutenant. Yes, he will. I'ma go and ride home with it. Not you. Mr. Pasquale, you're being booked for encouraging electioneering, trying to influence the man to impersonate a police officer, being abusive, and attempting bribery. But a Lieutenant, I'ma told you, I'ma do all of this just to try I don't believe any man has to go to such extremes to marry off a daughter, any daughter. I'm half too. I don't believe it. Where is she? Rosa. And so, Mamma Mia, things just worked out all right. And after court, I went back to my store to watch the citizen as a vote. But it's a time no more election hearing. One of the fellas had walked over and asked me, what time I'm a god? And I told him, sorry, but ask somebody else, I'm neutral. You're loving the son of Luigi Bosco, the immigrant.