 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the real reason why men are scared to commit. We're gonna get into the real reason. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time this video resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F1 or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. So let's talk about the real reason why men are scared to commit. All right, so it's kind of interesting. I've got a couple of things I wanna share before I get into the nitty-gritty of this. First, it's interesting. In the last week, I've had over three phone calls from women who were basically dumped. And I don't even like saying dumped, but they were short-term relationships. And what I mean by short-term, whether it was somewhere between the fifth and 10th date that the person decided that they weren't ready for a relationship. In fact, in each case, each man said, I'm not ready for a relationship. Now these were women who they felt like they had really good chemistry with the guy. They had these great conversations. They feel like they really connected with these men. And in each one of these cases, and again, there was basically between the fifth and 10th date, that the man or there they had sex together. So basically, they were exploring a relationship. And I say the word exploring. I mean, they were, I'm gonna pause for a second because I don't know the particulars well enough to say that they actually consciously were exploring a relationship, but they were basically, they were playing house enough to where they were exploring a relationship. And what I mean by playing house is they seem to be doing the things that leads to being in a relationship, but isn't it rather fascinating that these men all said the same thing. I'm not ready for a relationship. Well, that begs the question, then what the fuck are you doing on a dating app claiming you're ready for a relationship? And I can guarantee you, every single one of these guys will be back out on the dating sites again. And they'll come up with the same excuse. So, and I say same excuse is because oftentimes men will say they're not ready for a relationship. What it really means is they're not ready for a relationship with you. So I think it's important that we explore commitment at a much deeper level than oftentimes is discussed in the dating, mating or relating realm. And it's interesting because today I actually recorded my first new podcast. I'm doing a podcast with another friend of mine and it's all related to couples. And this is a gentleman who's, he's a young person, he's in his mid 30s and he's gonna be getting married. And so he basically is engaged and we were talking about his relationship and why he feels so strongly to commit to her. Well, I think one of the things is there's a big difference for those that are in their 20s and 30s versus those folks that are in their 40s, 50s and 60s or even 70s. And what I mean to say is he consciously had been looking for a wife and what I mean is the mother of his children. In fact, one of his non-negotiables in his, or, you know, in the dating practice was asking the question, do you wanna have children? Do you wanna start a family? So he had a different mindset going into the dating process because it was all about basically finding, you know, finding a wife, finding the mother of his children for lack of a better word. And because of that, there was a level of intentionality. The challenge for folks in midlife, which again I say is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of my clientele was somewhere between 40, 42, 45 and 70. And that's probably the bulk of the women who actually work with me. Although I'm lately working with a lot of women in their 30s. So that's exciting for me as well, just on a personal note. Now what they all have in common, 75% of the time they're divorced and or they're divorced with children. So now you have these two separate lives and you're trying to figure out how to wedge them together or one person could have children and the other person doesn't or one person could be divorced and the other person never married. So there is kind of this trying to weave a new tapestry in this dynamic we call relationship. So I think it's important to understand this because the men in particular aren't on the hunt for a wife. They're not on the hunt for someone to make babies with. And oftentimes the older we get, couple of things happen, the more set in our ways. The more set in our ways. I recently spoke to a woman who was in her mid 40s who prefers dating men in their, she's in her mid 40s. So she prefers dating men 15 to 20 years older than her. She prefers dating men 60 to 65. And she has this belief that men who are older are more mature. And I was, I didn't outwardly laugh about the inward I'm laughing because that's such a naive thing to believe that because someone is older that they're more mature. And what I mean is, are they really emotionally mature? Have they really developed the skills? Are they really emotionally mature? And have they developed the relationship skills to actually be in a relationship? In fact, the older we get, the more dysfunctional we are. And if you're not familiar with my relationship skills chart, I'm gonna put it up on the screen right here. By the way, this is not a fact. This is an opinion. I believe roughly the 20% of the population has clinical issues. And then while I do claim that 20% is healthy, I'm being ridiculously generous when I say 20%. But I believe average people, the older they get, they become more dysfunctional in their relationship skills, which leads me to this meme I wanna share with you that I saw earlier this morning. I hope you can see this. It says, dating in 19, this was on, oh, I'll just read it to you. Dating in 1996, you had me at hello. Dating in 2022, you had me at I go to therapy. And this was done by the millennial therapist, Sarah Kubrick. So you can look her up on Instagram. Sarah Kubrick did this meme. So what I'm sharing this with you is it's to recognize that just because people are older, older people aren't necessarily have the relationship skills. And even those people that are divorced, think about it. Just, you know, I'm not to suggest that people are divorced or failures, okay? But I wanna say this, just because they didn't get it right once before it doesn't make them any better at being in relationships. So this narrative about men who have never been married or women who have never been married, there's a lot to it that I think we need to unpack before we throw the baby out with the bathwater. So let's talk about commitment for a moment. Now what's interesting, I'll just pull up my notes here. Have you ever looked up the definition, have you ever gone into Google and typed in definition of commitment? It's kind of interesting, the definition of commitment is a state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity. A state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity. Let's put that in a box for a second, okay? And the second definition is an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. I'll repeat that engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. So naturally it begs, you know, if we're gonna talk about why are men really scared of commitment to commit? Well, there's this inherent belief that it's going to restrict their freedom. And think about this. The older men are, the more, and women, the more set they are in their ways. I can say this for myself as a single man who's been on is basically not in a fully committed relationship for a number of years is that I'm kind of set in my ways. I mean, not to suggest they can't be compromised. In fact, I'm fully know I'm capable of compromising to some degree. And yet on some levels, I am somewhat rigid. I'm aware of that within myself. This is why I've been reading a book lately. Where is that book? It just happens to escape me now. Of course, right when I need it, it's gone. Bear with me, where did the book go? Oh, well, I must have put it away. The book is called Two Dates. Oh, here it is. It's right in front of me. Two Dates by Neil Clark Warren, Neil Clark Warren. He's the guy who started e-harmony. Now, I know a lot of people don't like e-harmony, but one of his premises is, is when you take compatibility and ignite it with chemistry, that's a recipe for relationship success. Let me just take that chemistry, or excuse me, compatibility ignited with chemistry creates relationship success. The sad thing is most people focus on chemistry first without knowing if this person's compatible with them. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg chart, I know many of you are. You can see above the waterline is attraction. This is where chemistry comes in. But below the waterline is compatibility, which is about shared values, blendable lifestyles, emotional maturity. We don't see that on first dates. And as we start to check these boxes, this waterline begins to drop and this chemistry shared values and blendable lifestyles becomes very, very attractive to both men and women alike. And what I like about this book is it really, especially for those of us in midlife, it outlines one of the chapters is called The 25 Most Popular Must-Haves in a Relationship. 25 Most Popular Must-Haves, let me read some. Emotional health, I just talked about that. Strong character, energy level, intelligence, chemistry. I already talked about that. Financial security, verbal intimacy. Boy, that's a big problem in the dating, mating or relating realm. Conflict resolution skills, that's hugely important. Personal habits, spirituality, shared interests, similar shared interests I talked about that, similar political and social views. Interest on parenting, those are for the younger generation. Personality, ambition, value, skills, the list goes on and on. I'm just starting to read this book. It's a new book. I can't fully recommend it yet. However, I will say I like the principle. Can't compatibility ignited with chemistry. And this is why ladies, I say this over and over again before the penis goes inside the vagina, you may purchase this book Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman. Read chapter one for yourself. Read chapter one for yourself. And here's the thing. If you like it and you like the guy, then insist that the two of you read this together because this is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. This helps give you a real, it's like the bumper, it's like a bowling, going, rolling a bowling ball. It has the bumper rails for you. So you can keep in the lane. And I say this always before the penis goes inside the vagina, I'm really hyper-focusing on this because just like those women I shared with earlier, all of them between the fifth and 10th date had sex with men who said they weren't ready for commitment. So what's the real reason why men aren't ready for commitment, folks? It really, from my perspective, it boils down to one thing, emotional responsibility. Let me repeat that, emotional responsibility. Most men haven't developed the skills to actually, especially the more set in the ways they are to emotionally take care of you. And given that emotional maturity and relationship skills is a vital, vital piece of the puzzle to develop true emotional intimacy and true emotional safety, it's gonna be very difficult for anyone to commit if they haven't developed the skills. This is why, folks, I repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly recommend purchasing this book for yourself called Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell, what you should know about the people you don't know. Folks, when we're meeting total strangers, this idea that chemistry equals love and it's like the relationship iceberg. Chemistry does not equal relationship success. Shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity is what's gonna put you on the path of emotional success, relationship success. And when we're meeting total strangers, we need more and more, listen. Folks, think about this, of the women I shared. Again, this is three in the last two weeks. They probably didn't know the guy's, I mean, a birth date. Maybe they did an astrological report, but they might not have known the guy's birth date. They might not have known the guy's favorite color. They might not have even known the guy's two best friends. In fact, I'm gonna pull up an app called Card Dex. They might not have known their partner's two closest friends. What's your partner's favorite musical group, composer or instrument? What's your partner's, what was your partner wearing when you first met? Okay, maybe that one they know. What are your partner's hobbies? What, you know, where was that person born? Think about all of this information that you may not know about someone, but the penis got to go inside the vagina. And I know you might think that kind of crass that I'm saying it that way. I'm trying to illustrate a point. Most human beings are meeting strangers these days, which requires a level of slowing down the process of getting to know someone and really develop the friendship piece along with the flirting. I'm not, and you're probably going, well, Jonathan, why aren't guys doing this? Because I'm being told just sit back in my feminine energy and let guys claim me. And by the way, in a few minutes, I'm gonna go off on a rant about feminine energy. So just bear with me for a few minutes while I get through this part of the presentation. Folks, I wish men were like my friend who actually knew that they wanted a life mate and they were thinking very intentionally. The sad reality is as most humans want companionship, connection and sex without that third missing piece. And that is the capacity to fully commit. So here's my invitation for you going forward. I've shared this before and I highly recommend this. Start asking deeper questions. It's one of my principles in my private coaching. By the way, there's a link below to my private, if you wanna schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you is to help you really learn how to ask the right questions based on your personality to determine if you're a good fit for one another. And let me just say this, this is what I call radical honesty. What's interesting is the new term is called hardballing. All the millennials and Gen Zs call it hardballing. I've been calling it radical honesty for a decade or so. But it's like that question. You had me at hello in 1996 or you had me at I go to therapy. Look it, most human beings are fucked up. I already showed you my chart, my relationship skills chart. 80% of people are either dysfunctional or have clinical issues. And I'm being generous with that number. I say this after doing over 3000 hours of personal development work, self-help workshops, trainings and therapy for myself. And I'm just still scratching the tip of the iceberg. This is why I continually recommend everyone checking out the work of the Hoffman process. The Hoffman process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas for yourself. And boy, it'd be great you meet someone who's done the same because look it, there is a percentage of the population that had, they were raised by good parents. They had a good upbringing. They didn't have a lot of trauma. My dad used to beat the shit out of me. I was very common for my generation. My mother had a bit of a, and by the way, this is a picture of my mom and dad. I don't mean to throw him under the bus. I felt like I had a good childhood compared to other people. And I still had major dysfunctionality. This is why I developed an anxious attachment style. This is why I have my own fears. I had, was traumatized by a school teacher who told me I was stupid in front of the classroom. And so I had this belief about myself that I'm stupid even though I registered at 130 IQ when I was younger. I don't operate that way because I was sabotage myself. And then not even going into all the dysfunctionality I have even after all of this work. The one thing I think I can do is communicate on an emotional level. I know how to be vulnerable, authentic, and transparent. So what's gonna be the solution? Folks, I'm here to say, I hope you listen clearly right now. It's time to ask better questions in the early stage of dating. And the question I invite you all to ask is what does commitment mean to you? What does a committed relationship mean to you? What does commitment look like for you? And what does a committed relationship look like to you? And do you believe commitment should happen before sex? That was a mouthful, John. But John, I might scare God away because I'm supposed to just sit with my feminine and let him climb me. I crack myself up sometimes. Folks, it's naive to think otherwise. And most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. So I'm inviting you all to go a little bit deeper by reading some of these books. And I've got a new book I'm gonna introduce you all a little bit later in the broadcast. So I'm here to say, the real reason why most men run away, just like these men I just shared with you, is they're not, they haven't developed enough emotional safety with you. And so, and because I believe that the sex has been, the chemistry has been rushed too soon, which includes the sex. And not to say you can't have sex on the second date and have turned into a great relationship, but it's the exception, not the rule. It's the broken clock. And there's an old saying, men are the gas, women are the brakes. You, if a guy genuinely likes you, he's okay with the process being a little bit slower. So don't be afraid to slow down the process. And if you haven't read my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. And chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So check out my book, by the way, there's a link below to get my book. By the way, there's Jonathan recommends for most of the books I've listed here. I'll be adding to that and then purchase selflovethebook.com to check out my book. All right, I think you get to just the real reason why men are scared to commit. Oftentimes either it's a restriction of freedom, restriction of freedom, which I think you all understand, but it's really more they don't feel they can take on the emotional responsibility of the relationship. And if you really want to have a kick-ass relationship, remember this, the first thing listed, a state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity, you have to learn what your common cause is. And just like my young friend, who wants to start a family with someone in midlife, you better dig around to find your common cause, because most people are just spending time with each other. And I want you to choose people that you're gonna grow with. And the people that grow with you are the people that are willing to read these books. And I gotta tell you, I'm getting email after email after email from women saying, Jonathan, thank you so much. I purchased the book Eight Dates and we're reading it together and this relationship is actually taking off. And by the way, this week, not only did I get a call on Monday or a text message on Monday that one of my clients is in a great relationship, I got a message on Wednesday that one of my clients who worked with me literally only seven, eight months ago is engaged and she's preparing to get married a year from today in Alaska of all places. Oh my fucking God, can you believe Alaska? I honestly thought she was, by the way, maybe that's a good place to go because I think the ratio of men to women is like 50 to one. So if you want to go to a target rich environment, maybe go to Alaska, I look forward to going to her wedding next year. All right, this is time for our Q&A that wraps up the content portion of our video. This is time for Q&A. If you're familiar with my Q&A format, please write the word question then post the question there after or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box below. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there and right there. He's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund using the monies from the Super Sticker to donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight seminars and help some people defray the cost of personal development. All right, we're gonna jump in. I see some questions already there, but I mentioned I'm gonna talk to you about feminine energy for a second. And I got up in the middle of the night, I look at my scribbled notes. Okay, I can barely read my notes myself, but I wanna read this to you. By the way, I believe that there's a difference between femininity and feminine energy. I'm all in favor of femininity. Get dressed up in your sexy skirt, wear your high heels, feel that sexy female energy. That's femininity. Feminine energy advice oftentimes is a very submissive approach to the relationship because it's basically expecting the man to lead the process. Okay, I understand the desire for that, and I'm not suggesting you don't have to do that. I'm just saying that's one way of approaching it. The problem is in the feminine energy advice, they claim that women shift to their masculine energy, which is controlling and outcome driven. They shift to their masculine energy, which is controlling or outcome driven. By the way, if anyone believes controlling behavior is good, whether it's a penis doing it or vagina doing it, to characterize that as masculine is really a misconception because controlling, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, while we typically associate that with men, and then it's associated with masculine energy, that's just bad languaging. Masculine is simply doing and feminine is receiving and a healthy relationship you should be doing both giving and receiving, receiving and giving. It should be mutual effort. It is not, you just sit back in your feminine and just let them claim you, and when the guy goes, she or disappear, you can just sit in your feminine because he's gonna chase you. Bullshit, when you lean back, by the way, I want you to think about skiing. Skiing is a sport where you're going down a hill. You don't lean backwards when you ski, you lean forward so you can create greater connection with the earth at that moment, you don't lean back. Is this making sense? So coming back to this, it made me wonder, so I wrote the word curious. So I wonder why would a woman become controlling and outcome oriented? Why would a woman become controlling or outcome oriented? And it occurs to me. Could it be that the man she is with is emotionally unavailable? Could it be the man she is with is closed off? Could it be that the man she's with is selfish on an unconscious level? Could that be the reason why? And then they suggest being your feminine energy, but if you're scared, but if you are, wait, what if I said, if you're scared in feminine energy, I don't know what I, see, I wrote this middle of the night, it was kind of unconscious at the moment. But my point is, if a man is closed off, this is the time to lean into conversation. This is the time to have deeper conversation. This is a book I highly recommend checking out. It's called, I Hear You. The surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. It really helps you with languaging on how to have better conversations. So you don't have to sit, I think it's rather stupid to think, oh, that's not fair. Let me, that's not fair for me to say the word stupid. I think it's rather naive to suggest to anyone. This is why I don't like this advice, that you just simply go live your life. Look at the minute you're physically intimate with someone, you're bonded to them, to go say, oh, just go live your life and he'll see what a great job you're living your life on your Instagram and your social media. And he's gonna come running for you. Like really, I mean, by the way, if he's unconscious to pull away, that means he probably has terrible relationship skills. That probably means he doesn't have the ability to lean into your emotional responsibility. So I'm here to suggest, why not get on the phone and say, hey, look, dude, it's okay if you can't handle this relationship. Let's just have a conversation about this instead of this bullshit. Hiding and men hide because they don't wanna confront. The reality is they're not capable of being in a relationship. And so these guys that I shared with earlier who pulled the bullshit rhetoric, I'm not ready for a relationship. It's because they're not ready for a fully committed relationship. They're certainly ready for companionship, connection and sex. And maybe some of you might not be ready for a fully committed relationship either. Maybe some of you are only capable of casual relationships. Or maybe some of you are only capable of your friends with benefits or maybe only some of you are only capable of a situation ship and that's okay. So long as you're up front with one another, but it's a shame that, by the way, and your problem ladies is this. When you say I'm looking for a relationship and a guy says me too. Yeah, I want a relationship too. By the way, in my world, Jonathan Asley's world of relationship looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional lives that lead emotional intimacy, which includes emotional and physical intimacy that leads to either getting married or living together. Okay, so I have a clear, that's what commitment looks like for me. You say that to a guy, he goes, I want a relationship. And then it's like, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, he's like Shag, he's like Scooby Doo, I don't know. And it's your fault first, because the word relationship means different things to different people, I should. Let's for fun look up the word relationship in Google. What is a relationship? There it is. The way in which two or more concepts, or people are connected or a state of being connected. That's what a relationship is. It doesn't say three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills. It says nothing in there about that. So when he says the word relationship and you say word relationship, you could be speaking, he might be speaking Greek and you're speaking Egyptian, okay, or Turkish, although those are similar languages. So let's make it Chinese and Egyptian. Let's make it ancient Egyptian, hieroglyphics. And it's on you, it's on you, because here's the real dilemma. Ladies on, and this is a characterization based on my observations. I believe many of you get very attached the minute sex happens. And so from what I understand biologically speaking, oxytocin is released from your brain to your body that bonds you to a guy, that can bond you to a guy. And here's the dilemma with this. We men don't bond that way. Do you know how we men bond? Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. That's the real, and we bond when we feel good with you doing these things. We don't bond over the telephone. All those long distance relationships were here. Talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? We'll be on a good day. We don't bond that way. We bond through doing things together. That's why long distance rarely ever work out. I know you guys are all stuck on it because these days you're meeting. Look, and I want you to think about this before these stupid devices or before the internet, you never had long distance relationships. And don't get me started on how devices are a whole new cluster fuck to this process. So I'm here to say, I started with feminine energy. How did I get on such a ramp? I'm here to say, folks, empowered individual energy is what's needed. And if you haven't read the book, Personhood by Lou Biscaglia, Lou Biscaglia. I just started reading, I've read this a couple of years ago and I started to read it again. Personhood, it's not about masculine or feminine energy. It's about empowered energy. Your individual sovereignty, self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance. Your individual self-love, that's what matters most. And I invite you all to lean into your sovereignty because that's sexy. That's sexy, not leaning back, not letting the guy lead by being an active participant in the process, seeing the relationship as a two-lane street where you're both mutually making effort. You're not sitting back and letting, because most guys, as they get older, are terrible at it. And if you haven't figured this out by now, trust me, if you're a younger person, get used to this. And if you want, I'm gonna end on one more book right now, this rant. You really want to have a read a great book, read if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, takes out all the bullshit gender rhetoric, a penis and vagina and says, how can we date at a heart-centered level? I love this book. All right, that's my rant and I'm sticking to it and giving myself a hug for that one. All right, now we're gonna look at the questions. All right, thank you so much for that one. Or myself, I'm thanking myself for that one. All right, I saw some questions earlier, but there is a conversation going on here. All right, question. I've committed to not having premarital sex due to my religion. I'm divorced and no sex is important. When should I bring it up, date three or after more of a relationship is established? Let me ask you a question, Connie. When would you like to know that the man you're with has AIDS? Would you wanna know that on the first date? Oh, okay, let's not make it AIDS. Let's make it an ST, no, let's make it AIDS. And I don't, I am nowhere comparing AIDS to premarital sex, I'm not comparing the two. I'm just saying, when would you wanna know that? Would you wanna know that before you go out with them on the third date or before a relationship is established? I invite you to answer that question for yourself, but here's the thing. I think that's an important conversation pretty early on. 99% of men will, part of our commitment, by the way, I would typically probably recommend dating men who already believe that way. So I would be up, I would ask, do you believe in premarital sex? You could ask that on the telephone call before you actually meet someone. Do you believe in premarital sex? Are you, by the way, typically people that have more of a religious doctrine in Christianity or Catholicism from what I understand, I can't speak from this, from personal awareness, probably could lean that more way, but when would you wanna know someone has something that's material to the relationship I believe in transparency? I believe in transparency. If it's material to the relationship, speak up sooner rather than later. Connie, I hope that helped. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Gina writes, question. I'm talking to a guy who wants a slow process, but he's just getting out of a long relationship. Do you think he's ready? So I really, the reason why men want a slow process is we don't wanna become emotionally, we don't want you to become emotionally dependent upon us before we're ready, okay? So someone who's just ended a relationship, depends on how in love with you, how in love was he with her? If he was really, really, really in love, I'll tell you my significant relationship, it took me a good year or two to let go of that one. Not my marriage. I mean, that ended years before we ever got divorced, but my significant relationship with someone I was deeply in love with, oh, shit, that took two good years before I let go of that one. And I was the codependent one. So it depends on if they're codependent in the relationship, it depends on if they're an anxious attachment style or an avoidant attachment style. I believe, for example, for people that get divorced, I recommend two years of waiting till someone's divorce is final and they've had one or two transition relationships. And the challenge for you, Gina, there's a good chance you'll be the transition relationship. This is why, look at it, make him jump through so many fucking hoops and then you'll determine, make him read eight dates, make him read all, make him read 10 books with you before that penis gets to go inside the vagina and you'll see how fully, how interested he is in wanting a relationship with you. Folks, you had me at, hello, 1996. You had me at, I go to therapy, 2022. Okay, I hope you had fun with that one. Gina, thank you so much for that question. Oh, Lisa, I responded to that question. So there you go. All right. Oh, Lisa writes, Jonathan, amen, feminine energy vice can be stupid. I'm sorry. I mean, whether we characterize it or not. Look it, I understand the value of being empowered. I am not in any way suggesting you shouldn't choose, a man shouldn't choose a woman who is empowered in her self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-reliance, self-love, the book.com. I'm all in favor of that. I'm all in favor of empowered energy. What I don't like is passivity. What I don't like is submissive or princess energy. And that's what this narrative could create for you because it mischaracterizes masculinity as bad within a woman. No, every, but it's not mask. Masculine is doing and as feminine is receiving. By the way, if a woman who has children is not in her masculine energy, her children will die because she can't sit back in her feminine and take care of a child. You can't. Nurturing is a masculine energy. It's a doing energy. Feminine energy is receiving. Now we think of this because the penis goes inside the vagina. So the penis does the doing and the vagina does the receiving. But yeah, this is getting so twisted. And the advice is turning a lot of women into princesses and it's no wonder men are complaining about women that act entitled. That's why I don't like the rhetoric. I like empowered energy. Don't divide it by a gender. We're already having enough gender conversations as well. So how about we just operate from a heart centered place of empowerment within oneself and we throw out the noise and come to our center. That's my invitation anyway. Thank you, Lisa for that. I appreciate it. Lisa also says her mother was a control freak and she didn't like herself. It wasn't my dad's fault. It was something in her childhood that made her cause trauma. See, and thankfully this younger generation is going to therapy. All right. Hey, someone wanna purchase a super sticker super chat. We'd like to donate to the Conor Asley fund. I'd really appreciate it. By the way, is this conversation resonating with you? Hit that like button. And when this broadcast ends, please share this with some friends. Put it on your Instagram, you put it on your social media, your Facebook, your Twitter. Let's, if you like this content, please share it, okay? And schedule a discovery call with me. All right, let's see what we've got here. Oh, Beth, Beth, how you doing? Should I have a question? Hi, Jonathan. How fast or slow should you respond to a guy's text? Because it seems like too fast, you get taken for granted, but if it's not right away, it seems like they are mad. Happy medium. Look it. If I'm not in the middle of something, I like to respond within five to 10 minutes. Sometimes, and just my, I need five minutes to maybe process what is said, maybe two to five minutes to process what's said. It doesn't seem like, but sometimes I've had conversations where we're going back and forth. And then when they've disappeared, I'm like, what the fuck has just happened? This bullshit that we should, now by the way, I was in the middle of, I recorded a podcast today. I had a doctor's appointment today. I was listening, I had something else going on. So there was four hours I couldn't respond to a dear friend of mine. But let me ask you a question, Beth. When a dear friend reaches out to you, how long do you play the game? Play the game of the rules, you know? That stupid book, the rules, play hard to get. Playing hard to get only attracts narcissistic men, weak men and assholes. That's who it attracts. Guys like me, the woman plays, if she's playing hard to get, homie, don't play that game. Homie, don't play that game. This homie, don't play that. If you're playing hard to get, I'm playing bye-bye. So coming back to your question, I usually like to respond to people, my personal preference, and part of it is I wanna get it off my desk, okay? But if I'm having a conversation with someone, I'd say, hey, look, are you around later? We can talk. We can, you know, can I, or I might say, hey, I'm in the middle of something. I'll get back to you a little bit later. That's how I operate. I invite that for you. Is this resonating with you? Please give me an amen. Thank you so much. All right. Nancy says, I always ask a man up front, what are you looking for in a woman once they say everything but commitment? There you go, I'm not interested. Hope you find that type of person. Bless you, thank you. Okay. All right, oh, gen four. Susan, question. Susan Winter says that the ones used for rebound relationships, rebound our relationship material, we are safe and used as a band date. Susan Winter is a dear friend of mine. We spoke the other day on the phone with this great conversation. If she said that, I'm giving her the thumbs up. So I like Susan a lot. She's a grown up. She's a grown up. She's not playing those games. All right, let's go. Okay, Mary Ann Senate says, question. How does one move on when they still hold the torch for somebody? Yeah, you might have let go, but only because you had to. I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just asking a question. How do you let go of someone that you hold a torch to? You know, they say time heals all wounds, but I'm here to, you know what? Here's my invitation for you. Ask yourself, what positive things did you learn about yourself in this relationship? Look inward and ask what positive things about yourself did you learn in this relationship? What positive things did you learn about yourself in this relationship? You know, there's a new book. I've just got it in the mail today. It's called The Language of Emotions, The Language of Emotions by Kara McLean. What are you feeling and are trying to tell you? So let's open the book for a moment. So there's a chapter three, Troubled Waters. Chapter four, Avoidance, Addictions and Awakening. Chapter, no, that doesn't make sense. Embracing your emotions, fear, hatred, shame. Like it's just like you may want to check out this book. It's, I mean, it might be worth checking out. I'm just started to read. It's a fucking thick-ass book. What was I thinking? This is heavy. I mean, this would be a good book weight afterwards. But understanding your emotions might be a better way to lean in to yourself and find out what's going on on the inside. Does that help? Try that out. That's my suggestion for you. Because it really, the hardest part is learning to let go. Buddha says all suffering comes to an attachment to an outcome. Buddha says all suffering comes to an attachment to an outcome. So maybe you should look at the outcome you were expected and let go of that attachment. Marianne, thank you so for that question. I really appreciate it. Susan says, what does your mug say, Jonathan? It's a that's all mug. It says, I don't want to work anymore. I just want to be cherished, put up on a pedestal and taken care of. I love my that's all mugged. This was a gift from a woman I dated. Now, I don't know if she bought it for herself or she was trying to tell me something. It feels a little narcissistic, but I love the feel of these that's all cubs. I'm my one that says, swear you feel better broke. I'm so bummed out. All right, let's go swim in. Lisa asked question, what about all the toxic masculinity nonsense, Jonathan? Rant about that. So I don't like the characterization that because whenever we use the word masculinity, masculine energy, we're really referring to males, men, males and men, okay? So when the characterization of masculine energy, it's like saying, oh, you're acting like a guy or when you say, when a man is acting like a woman, we call it feminine energy. And I don't like even that characterization. So toxic masculinity. I would say that growing up, there was in my youth in particular, I was probably predisposed to using women sexually. And when I say using, I wanted sex at all costs, okay? No, that's not fair, not all costs because I didn't cross that boundary. So I wanted sex a lot, okay? Now, when I was growing up, most guys were told, when a woman said no, try harder, okay? But the byproduct of selfish needs, the basal needs that lower chakra needs makes men unconscious to actually caring about a woman's protecting a woman. This is why the narrative about provider protector is such a crock of shit because think of how men use women throughout the ages. I mean, and we're talking the majority of men. So this idea that men are provider protectors is so ingrained in their DNA, then why do men use women for receptacles for their semen? I mean, I just asked the question, I don't know the answer. So yes, some men are genuinely caring about women. It's taken me a lot of work. I think it wouldn't be great if most boys were raised with 10 women, girls in the house, that might help. So, and we often think that's a mother's job, but you can't, the biological need to pump and dump is very toxic to us. It's not a healthy thing for us either. So that toxic masculinity shows up in our languaging because it's really not toxic masculinity. It's more like unconscious selfish behavior, unconscious selfish behavior. In other words, it's my needs first. But even John Gottman says women do the same thing. It's just in a different way. So, okay, good morals, a good integrity. It's taken me a years to get there. And they often say bad judgment, good judgment comes from bad judgment. I've done some crappy things and men have done some crappy things. There's no doubt about it. I think it's unfair to characterize all men in a category, but I'm here to say women as well as men could be bad at this stuff. So rather than labeling it, how about we just try to uplift each other? That's my invitation. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Thank you. All right, oops. Hey, thank you for the super sticker, C-E-G-E. I really appreciate it for the Connor fun. Oh, thank you so much. That makes my day. Lisa says insecure men are everywhere and insecure women are everywhere. Let's make sure we don't make this singular to men because that's toxic. But I know where you're going. Question, has the author the rules ever messaged you? If she does, she's more than welcome to have a conversation with me. Nope, I have not heard from her. Bam. By the way, I do want to say there are some good empowering aspects of the book. I just don't like some aspects of the book. So that's my beef. Lisa says, Susan Winters rocks, I agree. All right, let's see what we have here. Let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. You know what, folks? Oops, let's go swimming. I don't know who this is. All right, you know, I think this would be a good place to wrap up for today. I want to come back to the real reasons why men are scared to commit. Look it, commitment is a scary thing because emotional responsibility requires a real sense of individual trust within oneself, a real sense of sovereignty, of self-worth, the self-esteem, self-confidence to be able to take on relationships, have an inherent emotional responsibility. This is why I'm a big proponent of emotional intimacy. You haven't read the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking it out because here's the thing. Without emotional intimacy, there will be no emotional safety and without emotional safety, a person can't be emotionally responsible for you. And I don't mean paying your bills responsible. I mean, if you're having a bad day, they can lean in and be there for you. And it's very difficult for a lot of men to get there, just like a lot of women too. I've had women be flaky on me, so this isn't singular to men. So I'm here to say it's important to develop the real deep roots of trust, the trust is, do I trust this person has my best interests at hand? And people are fucking way before that ever happens. I'll leave it up to you to decide what matters most to you. Did you get value from this? Please give me an amen, my wobbly arms. All right, folks. Hey, if you have something to say, if you've gotten this far, please post a comment in the comments section. Please share this video, please like this video, and please let me know I'm making a difference in your life. I'm so much joy to read the comments hearing you say, Jonathan, you're making a difference in my life, and I hope I am. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video, as I always do first off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love, because hugs are a great source of love. Now let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Elaine, Susan, Lisa, Sandra, Julian, Liz, Jen, four, Susan, Beth, Jennifer, T, Cooper, Sally, Ah, Kathleen, and Connie, NYC, wishing you all a super duper wonderful day. Bye now.