 First of all, she's been assigned a room next to Mr. Boynton's biology lab, which has made her deliriously happy for an obvious reason. Mr. Boynton is still the most beautiful specimen in his lab. Oh, it's wonderful. Now I see him before every class, after every class, and when he runs out during class to the water cooler, I manage to get there just in time to bump heads. Life at Madison would really be a dream this semester if it weren't for an unusual student who was assigned to my class last Monday. The newspapers carried the headline on Tuesday morning. Retired local business tycoon returns to complete high school education at Madison, gets special permission from state board. That morning I found myself teaching 42 normal adolescents and one 62-year-old juvenile delinquent. Following Friday morning, I was telling my landlady, Mrs. Davis, about my strange new student when she said, Connie, you say this new boy is 62 years old. That's right, Mrs. Davis. Goodness, he's taking quite a while to finish high school, isn't he? What does he expect to be when he grows up? A little old man. And he doesn't have too far to go. You see, Mrs. Davis, Mr. Lathrop was an important business executive locally, but he always bemoaned the fact that he'd never completed high school in his youth. Oh, I see. The war interrupted his education. Yes, he probably would have completed it if the North hadn't gone to war with the South. Well, I give him credit, Connie. I was discussing it with Widow Henderson only last week. A person without learning nowadays is lost. We both wish we'd completed our schooling. A good high school education never hurt anybody. I'm not so sure if he were in charge. He would run Madison High as if it were a subsidiary of General Motors. Instead of a principal, there would be a corporation president. The student council would be the board of directors. And the teachers, what would they be? The labor problem. Now, actually, we didn't get around to the teachers. Well, of course, you can't do those things, Connie. Who knows? Besides being very influential in town, Mr. Lathrop is a very close friend of Mr. Stone, the head of the board. And even Mr. Conklin keeps on his toes when Lathrop is around. Oh, I'll answer it, Mrs. Davis. Hello? Oh, Mr. Brooks, Walter. I'm sorry, but I won't be able to drive you to school today on account of an athletic meeting I have to attend. Oh, that's right, Walter. After all, you are manager of the football team. Correction, Mr. Brooks. As of yesterday, I am the majority stockholder. What? Yeah, Mr. Lathrop incorporated us. We are now the amalgamated football, basketball, soccer, ice hockey, and ping pong corporation of Madison High. Really? When do you sell out to Howard Hughes? But since you're not driving me to school, Walter, I'd better say goodbye now and get started for the bus. Oh, you don't have to go by bus, Mr. Brooks. Old Bluechips is calling for you in his brand new Cadillac. Mr. Lathrop calling for me? Sure. When he heard I couldn't make it, he volunteered. He says he'll get a real kick out of driving his teacher to school. Yeah, he wants to do it permanently. Well, see you at school, Mr. Brooks. By the time I get there, I'll probably be incorporated. Goodbye, Walter. Did I hear right, Connie? Is Mr. Lathrop picking you up? Not only that, but he may never put me down. I plan on doing it every day. Oh, here he is now. I'll get it. That's an old man, a lighthearted 15-year-old. Well, why compete and come in, Sonny? I mean, Mr. Lathrop, meet my landlady, Mrs. Davis. It's so seldom I meet a high school kid of my own age. Boy, would I like to carry his books to school. But, Madam, it's up to a boy to ask a girl to carry her books. Well, she's not taking any chances. Now, I think we'd better, Mrs. Davis, stop staring at Mr. Lathrop and close your mouth. But not so close to my arm. Business efficiency idea. I want to discuss with Mr. Conklin. That is, it directly concerns Mr. Conklin. Good. We've been trying to get rid of him for years. I mean, we'd better be going now. Well, goodbye, Mrs. Davis. I'll be seeing you. Come in, Mrs. Davis. Please. Why don't you let go of Mr. Lathrop's tie? Come on, Mr. Lathrop, while you still can. Just what I'm doing hiding. What happened? Violate your parole? Oh, Mr. Brooks, believe me, this is no joking matter. I'll tell you about it only. Do you mind stepping behind this door with me? Mr. Boyden, I'll step behind any door with you. In your mind, I hope. Uh, what's bothering you? Gosh, my only chance is that Mr. Lathrop doesn't come in here. Oh, I doubt if he will. This is the female faculty room. Oh, what? Oh, jump in, Josephette. Let's get out of here. You just jumped even faster than Josephette. Mr. Lathrop is in class by now. What's this all about? Mr. Brooks, a man of Mr. Lathrop's age and experience doesn't belong in a public high school. He's too sad in his ways, and he isn't doing the school or the students any good. Frankly, I wish there was some way of getting rid of him. Why, Mr. Boyden, what a horrible thing to say. At least give the man a few months. Oh, I admit he may have his little quirks, but he certainly deserves a chance. Little quirks? You call it a little quirk when, presumably, for efficiency reasons, when he persuaded Mr. Conklin to move my new biology lab? Like I say, how can we get rid of Mr. Lathrop as quickly as possible? Mr. Conklin moved your biology lab? Late yesterday afternoon. And you know how long you've tried to get our rooms together, Miss Brooks. For practically as long as I've tried to get us to... It's been quite a while, Miss Brooks. But what else could they use your lab for, and who could be moving in there? Mr. Boyden, this is one thing I simply won't let pass. I'm going to Mr. Conklin's office this minute and tell him exactly what I think of his latest action. Shall I go in with you? No, you'd better wait here. Somebody's got to catch me as I come out. I'll see you in a few minutes. Mr. Conklin, I think moving Mr. Boyden's lab is the most unfair thing I've ever... Oh, I agree with you, Miss Brooks. So do I. Walter, Harriet, where's Mr. Conklin? Search me, Miss Brooks. Oh, no, he'd find a better hiding place than that. I hope you don't know. Well, what are you two doing here? Oh, we're moving Daddy's furniture lines into his new office, Miss Brooks. Mr. Lathrop used his influence and persuaded Daddy to move for efficiency reasons. But where is he moving to? I'm terrified to venture a guess. And to Mr. Boyden's lab. Next to me. Your father's moving next to me? Well, excuse me, kids. I've got to find Mr. Lathrop at once. But what do you want to see him for? To beg him to use his influence just once more and move me to Clay City High. Obviously something had to be done about Mr. Lathrop. So with typical courage at noon, fearless Osgood called an emergency conference which was to be completely open and above board down in the boiler room. I arrived after lunch and knocked. Meet her, Miss Brooks. The secret password, please. Lathrop must go. Enter friend. Come in and join us, Miss Brooks, and don't be nervous. We're all down here now, and I'm sure Lathrop doesn't suspect a thing. We can hold our meeting in strict secrecy. So don't worry. Don't worry at all. Just relax. Relax completely. Relax. Relax better, sir, if you'd stop staring at that door as if you expected Lathrop to walk in through the keyhole. Oh, keep him out! Keep him out! Keep him! Oh. Oh, my nerves, Miss Brooks. Nerves, that's all. Mr. Conklin, can we get started with the meeting? After all, this is the boiler room, sir. I don't know about the others, but I'm getting rather warm. All right, right, boy, let's get started. Miss Brooks, sit down next to Mr. Boyden. How about to cool him off? Oh, yes. All right, now, attention, everybody. We all know the reason for this emergency meeting, namely to consider ways to kick- ease Mr. Lathrop out of Madison. Now, I, for one, readily admit that I was the first to be taken in by the man's corporation ideas as applied to high school administration. But on sober reflection, I decided I could never be happy as a minority stockholder. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. And Anton, will ye kindly shut ye biggie trapeze? Oh, thank you to watch your language. You are talking to a director of five corporations. Oh, go water your stock. Mr. Lathrop's got me talking like him. Now, to proceed, I want suggestions as ye... Gosh, who's that? That must be Mr. Moss of the math department. I invited him to come down here, too. Who goes there, friend or foe? What's the password, please? Enter, friend. I'm glad you could make it, Mr. Lathrop. Well, we've already started the big meeting, but as you know, its purpose is to get rid of one of the busiest and biggest busybodies this school has ever had. And I know you'll have some ideas that... Glad you could make it, Mr. Lathrop! Oh, yeah! Care to jump in, sir. Conklin, but I overheard Mr. Moss discussing his meeting with Ms. Perkins, and I just couldn't resist. That's one of the reasons I came back to high school. I love secret fraternity meetings. Well, this isn't really a meeting, Mr. Lathrop. It's just a friendly little bowl session. But, uh, Ms. Brooks... So, there's a friendly little cow here and there. Actually, Mr. Lathrop, it's a business conference. That's what it is, a business conference. Now, let's start with selling. And here at Madison, we're selling education. Right? Now, sound plant operation calls for maximum sales with economy of reserves. And after much research, I have found, for instance, that, uh, Madison could function just as efficiently if we combine some classes and, let us say, drop an English teacher or two. Follow me, Mr. Conklin? Like a cock a spaniel puppy follows its mother. Down Rover. Everywhere. Well, to show Charlie Stone why it would be good business practice to eventually let the student body run the school and let the principal go. Cock a spaniel who knows its own mother. See you all later. Did you hear him? Or a man like that shouldn't try to bring his methods to high school? He's simply trying to recapture his past. He doesn't belong with the kids. He belongs with his own generation. Say, wait a minute. His generation. Yes, why not? Why not what? Listen, if we can surround Mr. Lathrop with elderly people in his class, he may decide to quit. And I think I know just the elderly people to join him. Miss Brooks, permit me to remind you, I am running a high school here, not a rest home for 83-year-old adolescent. Yeah, boy, at this rate, I won't remember Madison for its ivy-covered walls, but it's ivy-covered students. These require desperate remedies. Just how would your plan work, Miss Brooks? Well, I'm fairly certain I can persuade Mrs. Davis and the widow Henderson to join his class. And you think that would do it, eh? Mr. Conklin, when those two flappers get to work on Mr. Lathrop, by this time tomorrow he may decide to complete his high school education in Mexico. Order, please. But, uh, Miss Brooks, I'm the only one here. Where is the rest of the class? The rest of the class? Oh, well, you've given us such a wonderful idea by returning to school that Mr. Conklin has decided to form a new class around you, Mr. Lathrop. They should be arriving any moment now. A, uh, a new class? Madison, oh, Madison! He's one of the kids now. Teacher, dear. That's a kid? Don't you remember Mr. Lathrop, don't you, Maggie? Do I? Hello, through man. Goodness, every time I see him, my baby socks slide up and down like a Venetian blind. Ask, Miss Brooks, are all the kids as gone as this one? Now, let's watch our manners, honey. Little Maggie is in that stage, you know. What stage? Between Eddie Fisher and Barry Fitzgerald. Notice you brought your ironing and your laundry board with you. Mr. Lathrop, will you be a good boy and help Maggie stretch the laundry line across the room and then help her hang up the wash? Hang up her wash? Oh, the dear boy's shy. Don't worry, honey. I only wear full winter woolies. Will I have to be doing this every day? Oh, goodness, no. Tomorrow, Maggie is promised to bring her dressmaking stuff to class. But, Miss Brooks, I don't have a dummy. Well, why worry with Mr. Lathrop here? Your problem is solved. You mean you expect me to model dresses? Only the ones for day wear. Surely you don't mind helping out a little because we do need... Hello, teacher. I'm sorry for I'm a little late. Oh, little Penelope Henderson. This is one of the new kids, Mr. Lathrop. I see you brought little Horace with you today. Yes, I sit with my daughter's baby every afternoon. See? Mr. Lathrop. Penelope, you keep those fat hams of yours off him. I saw him first. Mr. Lathrop, she's always a bit irritable until her social security check comes in. Who's talking? The girl who remembers Lincoln's mother. Just hold him by the head. Tell you to let go of the rest of his body. Mr. Lathrop, how do you like the new kids in class? Well, now, uh, Miss Brooks, frankly, I, uh... Aren't there any younger people in this class? I see you brought your knitting with you, so we'll let Mr. Lathrop hold the baby during the rest of the period. Oh, no. Miss Brooks, must I? Now, Mr. Lathrop, is that nice? After all, you brought your business ideas into Madison and we accepted them. Certainly you can't mind if these other kids bring their way of life into our school, too. Now, Penelope, sit down any place. Well, can I? Little Horus is already in Dream Boy's lap. Penelope Henderson, I told you to keep away from him. I saw him first and I'm sitting on him. Next to him. What about any excitement in your high blood pressure? Penelope, one more word, just one more word, and I'll expose the entire history of your liver. True, but you're all that's available at the moment. I'm asking Penelope to stop flirting. Flirting? Who's flirting? Penelope Henderson, you're a flirt and you've always been a flirt. Ever since you buried your fourth husband. 65. If you do, I'll let you dip my pigtails in the inkwell. What a revolting thought. But I don't understand. Well, maybe you can understand this. I'm really wonderful, but how did you do it? Mr. Lathrop looked as if he'd been in some sort of a fight. You've heard of the battle of the sexes, Mr. Countess. Well, yes, but what's that got to do with it? Well, Mr. Lathrop couldn't stand being used for ammunition. Now, here's our star, Eve Arden. Well, Mr. Lathrop found high school quite a headache, so he went back to the steel business. Thank you so much, Mrs. Davis, for your cooperation and you too, Mrs. Henderson. And you too, Horace. Well, you're free to go home now. Oh, we're not going home. Why? No, indeed. We're staying. We signed up for a high school course and we're going to get it. But you can't stay. The only reason we brought you here was to help get rid of Mr. Lathrop and his corporation practices. Well, Mr. Conklin, we'd just better resign ourselves to it. Resign ourselves? Resign ourselves to what? Instead of the Madison High Corporation, we're the Madison High Day Nursery. Honest Brooks, starring Eve Arden transcribed, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Allsberg in New Germany with the music of Wilbur Hatt. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gorton. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Cranagh, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Jim Bacchus, Verna Felton and Billy Gould. This week at this same time. Join us then, won't you? Our Miss Brooks is another presentation of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.