 Hi, welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. I'm your host, Mike Paddleford, and I, Recover Loud. Let's go! I'm on a journey to discover the truth Living life and recovery is lovely You got the power in you Surround yourself with positive energy Judges hitting people with provocative penalties Need to make a change Advocate and change the laws To people that it's not insane When you stand behind a cause I'm here to speak about the pain Recovered loud to normalize the disease That's been killing all my friends And my family The time is now To let it all go Recover loud The benefit is healthy people Family and friends That never have to overdose Ever again Never have to plead out To a lesser defense I'm proud to say that I recover loud I never thought I could But I'm so proud that I discovered how To live my life again Controlling my own destiny I needed recovery I still needed desperately Addiction never defined my I recover loud here to tell my own story I recover proud, save a life of like 40 I recover loud, yeah I recover loud I recover loud, yeah I recover loud I recover loud here to tell my own story I recover proud, save a life of like 40 I recover loud, yeah I recover loud I recover loud, yeah I recover loud I recover I recover loud I recover. I recover loud. I recover. I recover loud. I recover. I recover loud. Hi, and welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. Tonight I'm sitting here with my friend Katie Moran from Augusta. Katie, thanks for sharing your story tonight and for the work that you've been doing. Can you tell us a little bit about where you're from? What it was like for you growing up? I can. Thank you for having me. I am originally from Wilson, Auburn and I grew up in the suburbs and I would say had a fairly privileged upbringing and in my teenage years, learning of family's addiction propelled me into struggling with making sense of the reality that was. When you say you came from a privileged upbringing, what do you mean by that? What do you consider privileged? I was able to go into schools with no problem. I was able to be clothed in not necessarily what I wanted to wear. Definitely had no issue with those needs being met. Basic needs, housing, food, natural supports. So that's where I get at with that. And even though you mentioned it was privileged, someone in the family was struggling with substitutes? Multiple people were, sure. And what was that like for you? How old were you and what did you see? So my family, it was large gatherings upon the holidays and so drinking, folks of the family smoked cigarettes, what have you. That's all I really remember growing up with. Then behind closed doors, I did have the privy of living with my grandparents. So my mom and I having struggles and needing to live with them. It became apparent that my parents and adult figures had struggles of their own that nobody talked about recovery. There were no plans on doing anything different. So there was just a constant state of random chaos and a massive adjustment. And it sounds like survival. All of us. I'm an only child. So I very much, if family was doing as they needed to do and I had time to myself, that's what it was. I was to myself. And you were in Lewiston, Auburn? Right, in the suburbs. So there was nowhere really to go and the neighborhood kids, it was hard to have connection and relationships with them. So I was an outcast, not only with family but in my neighborhood too. So it wasn't hard for me to follow suit and find substances for relief. And what would you say was the first substance? What was your first experience with those? I think it was cigarettes. And then shortly thereafter, friends, parents, they had access to their pots. So we'd be smoking out of the soda can. Never got high though. I didn't realize I wasn't getting high. And I'll never forget the day I did and I felt like I was in a fishbowl. And I was making a bologna sandwich at the counter and my grandmother was home. And I tried to act as cool, calm and collective as I could. So it wasn't hard to hide either. So there was experimentation that came in the home and outside of it. And why not? Everybody else is hiding their stuff. So let's play that. It was effective. So as your use progressed, what were some of the things you were doing? There was a time where I think the substances weren't so much the issue. They certainly played a part. My biggest reality check came when I chose to be a runaway teenager, preteen. I want to say that started anywhere like 12, right up to about 14 or so. And I was sent to a behavioral modification program out of state. A lockdown facility. Now was it your family that sent you there? I absolutely signed the documentation for me to be in their custody. How did that make you feel? Did you hold that against your parents? I was so bitter, resentful and hateful. Also having to survive at the hands of strangers who on paper had legit guardianship of me, yet neglected the bananas out of us all. So there was my taste of basic needs not being met. There was my exposure to the most cruel and harsh punishment for a preteen young adult because you could absolutely be there until you were 18. And you said you ran away, but you also said that you felt like your needs were being met early on. So now you get sent to this place where you, I'm sure you imagined, it was going to be the normal model of what it's supposed to be, and yet you weren't even having your needs met. Not one bit. And nobody at home was doing anything different to outgrow, unlearn their crappy behaviors, right? So it was a very one-sided, I'm the problem. And so there was an absolute solitude. I am that lone being. And you know what, it is up to me to handle myself. And so there was some sort of a rebel that was, that seed was planted. My rebel seed was planted in those days, I think. So how long were you part of that program? What age were you when you left there? I was in there for a year and three months. And it was about summertime. My birthday is in December. So I was 16 that year. I got out the summer before my 16th birthday. My mom had moved up to Mexico, Maine. So I started trying to live up there in high school. Didn't last very long there. I dropped out and did get my GED. And again, I think it was smoking cigarettes and pot with a friend. And then the behaviors followed from there on. And I was there until I was about 18. And then I got pregnant with my first child. That changed everything. Substance use absolutely was happening before him. And yeah, during and after, too. Well, and that's something that, you know, I know it doesn't really matter what happens outside of us. You know, if we start and we get into that cycle of addiction, I mean, people who use drugs are going to use drugs. And I mean, until we find a way to stop and work on ourselves and get better. I mean, that's just a fact of this whole thing, right? So, you know, accepting that is, you know, it's really important for us in our growth and healing. Because, you know, I didn't choose to neglect my kids the way I did. You know, the fact that we didn't have toilet paper in the house, the fact that we didn't have food in the fridge, you know, my daughter, 14, 15 years old, you know, I didn't choose to neglect her. You know, I just, I didn't have that choice, you know. So, you know, it's hard to forgive ourselves for those kinds of things. You know, and it comes a lot easier when we can get that, you know, forgiveness and acceptance from them to see that, you know, they don't hold it against us. You know, and I've reached out with my kids, you know, thankfully. And, you know, I think as the process goes and we continue to work on ourselves and get better, you know, all of these things come to us, you know, without trying specifically for that. And, you know, those are the gifts of my recovery and what keep me going, you know. So, how old is your oldest son now? He's 16, and I'd love to touch on what you brought up when you shared that. I have some relief hearing you say that there can be reconnection and rebuilding upon because I'm not yet there. My son and I are definitely streamed in our relationship and understandably so. And I very much continue to recover out loud because I am really interested in connecting with others. I am a parent in recovery and I am absolutely proud to say that I took a step and created something with dear friends that I am just... I am very thankful to be in the place that I am to be able to say, hey guys here, we can do this together and please come and join me because I don't want to do this alone. And we've brought some light in places that have just been darkened for too long and I am very, very grateful to be able to have these out loud conversations with people on all sides of parenting and recovery. Yeah, and no, I mean it's like I'm not going to get there so I'm not going to bother. In recovery we can absolutely get wherever we want to be because we know that the work is within us and we can keep working. One thing I like to point out to people too is that recovery is not a destination. We don't get to recovery and then say, okay, what do I get? We keep working through recovery and things come to us. We don't get everything, you know? So it's never over. The forgiveness of self. The forgiveness of self has been the catalyst for me to be able to be open to the abundance of those opportunities that give me the learning and the growth to have my journey and to be able to live my life unrestricted, raw and with love because I am not okay living with the hate and the disparity. To this episode of Recover Loud, I'm still here with Katie Moran. So Katie, when you were in that place of using and the chaos and all of that, what did it take for you to decide to do something about it? I would have to say learning peer support brought me to empowerment of choice. And once I learned more about my personal choice, I was better able to understand previous experiences that left me bitter and resentful. And so upon coming through some forgiveness of self, of others involved, I found myself able to propel into changing my way, creating my own universe. And there were still some hardships that came along with those experiences. The learning of boundaries is one of the biggest and challenging subjects. We could probably have a series on that alone, right? And we should. I recognize that that is an ever-long process, the boundaries, and it's really something that I need to learn for myself because I've abandoned myself long enough. I have two children that I really care to rebuild what I've damaged and to show them what's possible for them in what they go through because I know life will serve them so many hardships. And there's going to be so many blessings to come from and I am beyond passionate to really advocate for our youth in bridging gaps that are still there for them and for me as a parent to my youth and it's a community thing. Yeah. Actually, in recovery, we learn these lessons and we learn that this is a result of that. And we've done a lot of self-discovery and we're able to pass on that experience, not just to people who are suffering right now but to our families. Those are things that, as you mentioned in your childhood, they didn't talk about this stuff. It was just something that happened and you followed that trend and ended up on that same path. And now in recovery, you've learned it and you're working towards a better tomorrow. As I was saying earlier, recovery is not the destination. To me it's that entire process because as soon as we stop doing this thing, we can work on something else and the gifts just keep coming as we keep going. So to get that experience and to share it, like I said, not only with each other, but with our kids, they're now getting that experience without having to go through it. Because we do it, we repeat what we know and now you're actually offering the opportunity for them to know recovery. So I think it's pretty valuable to share this with everybody around us. Definitely. So what is it you do today to work in the recovery community? I am deeply integrated with my community. I have left previous employment and find myself unemployed and working towards my passion of again bridging the gaps, not just with the youth, with all of us. And I do volunteer work with Hope Brokers. I do trainings and other things that I'm supposed to for peer support to keep that certification going. And you recently just started a Zoom meeting? I did. I co-created with other parents in recovery to have a space where we can come together and share the realities that we all face and for there to be low barriers in what it means for a parent and being in recovery. So it's all inclusive, whatever your capacity is in parenting. So yeah, that's been a much needed resource and I didn't even realize that it just wasn't really something that's there. And so we've been learning our lessons? In doing what we can to make it better. And we know from everything else that we do that sharing and getting out there to recover loud and sharing the experience, sharing what we've learned, that's so valuable today. And we didn't have that before. So for us doing it today to share it and start these programs, it was pretty helpful. I'm sure that program that you started is going to help somebody. And even if it's one family, you've begun and you've helped that one child or those two children who are going to grow up in knowing recovery. And we all see the ugliness of addiction on TV, it's in the news, it's on our streets, we see it everywhere. But the beauty of recovery, that's what we need to share and to give that hope to people. You did mention Hope Brokers. I am starting to partner up with Marshall and we're going to be coming out with our new show Crying Out Loud. That's something I'm excited about and I will mention more as we go along. But these things that it's all about ending the stigma, taking people's hope. And as I said earlier, when there's no hope, why are we going to bother? Loving a person once they stop using drugs doesn't help the person today when they're still stuck in that struggle. So showing unconditional love no matter where people are at and showing them that it is worth doing the work because it's only going to get better from you. When you're starting from zero, of course there's nowhere but up to go but if you don't think you're going to make it. Yeah, why are we both starting? If I may, on that note, there are probably programs that shame and guilt and traumatize people to do better, to recover. I'm not interested in being a part of any of that. So I would much rather be a part of this unconditional love and I must absolutely work on having that for myself. I got to learn to like myself, to love myself, to then really give that outwardly. And again, it is a collective that that's going to be nurtured in. I support that way of going about it. I do appreciate the opportunities that you're putting out there for people to learn and grow. And we don't do it once we're perfect. We're never going to get perfect at it. We're struggling through it. But one day's experience is valuable to somebody who has zero days. And just making sure that we can get out there and spread that message and share the hope. So thank you for sharing your hope and your story. And I'm sure it's just going to get better from here. It most definitely is. And I appreciate the space to be able to do so. Absolutely. This season of Recover Loud is presented by Recovery on the Road, a Facebook group providing recovery support and resources to anyone, anywhere, at any time throughout the day. If you or someone you know is struggling, please connect to Recovery on the Road on Facebook. Recovery on the Road has been offering in-person meetings here at 46 Sweden Street in Caribou. If you're in the area, please stop by, grab a calendar, and come attend one of the meetings. We believe that connection is the opposite of addiction. Recover Loud, everyone. Recover Loud, the benefit is healthy people, family and friends that never have to overdose. Ever again, never have to plead out to a lesser defense. I'm proud to say that I recover loud. I never thought I could, but I'm so proud that I discovered how to live my life again. Controlling my own destiny. I needed recovery. I still needed desperately. Addiction never defined my identity. Recover Loud, here to tell my own story. I recover proud, safer life at like 40. I recover that.