 Hey tribe of journeyman and women So I just finished recording the previous episode about how I got a hundred students in my first few months of opening a Kido dojo and I realized I'm in a good space in the proper space to record this episode, which is kind of the follow-up of So going from up to low of how I lost most of those students and Why I think this is a good moment for me to record it is because I got into kind of this emotional space of feeling back into the time and And that period I have to be honest was very emotional for me. It was a difficult time And I don't even I I'm an open book. You know, I share everything and I'll actually explain why I do that just in a moment But I am an open book. So I do tell that story about how I lost it. I never guide that but I also I don't know if I really I guess I sometimes I do interviews for podcasts because of you know, I'm known for martial arts journey and There's certain times when I'm invited to do a podcast and and I mentioned that kind of that happened Maybe I mentioned it in a few videos But I never really on record went through details of what specifically happened at that time and how it rolled out that that my students lost faith in me and been in me, which Not don't don't confuse it. It's not when I started my martial arts journey and the question that you know, that's not that it was actually more related to my spiritual practice and My understanding of what's right and wrong. So anyway, I'll explain to you everything in the story but Yeah, I'm kind of in that emotional space where I it's a tough Subject so Don't expect me to cry or something. I don't cry often for good or bad, but But that's that there is an emotional kind of baggage there and I think it's one of the reasons I'm sharing these stories with you is Because I feel well first of all, it's a quick side note But when I started this new journey people were concerned that I will be like a self-help guru guy and they're like, oh Last thing we need is another self-help guru guy and the thing is I hate that Whole world myself as well. And actually this story might be a very good one to explain why I don't like that whole culture of self-help gurus myself or gurus in general but also Also, too, I don't want to be the one like that as well And I think the best way to do that or or ask myself like what's the deal like why do people hate Self-help gurus like smart people and I think for a good reason I think part of it is because they're pretentious They're like the something that worked for them they go out and tell you like oh, this is how things work And I will teach you you know I will I know the way and I will tell you but the thing is we're all individuals we're all different and What applies to me doesn't necessarily apply to you and on the other hand instead of me telling what's right and what's what's wrong I Embrace the power of stories as I think stories There's such a good vehicle of sharing experience because What I went through I won't tell you know like this won't be a tongue of you to you like this is right or this is wrong but I'll just share my emotional share my My story and you can make your own conclusions You know, it's a legit real story with hopefully enough emotional baggage So you could see that it's real and you could feel those motions and hopefully you will take something valuable from it So I'm not here to teach you something, but I'm here to share and hopefully give you a chance to Learn from my mistakes at least a degree And so yeah, that's the reason why I'm sharing the story and I'm sharing these stories when I'm making this video serious I'm hoping that that's a great way to offer value because I expose myself and part of my character is which I'm grateful of is I do dive into the fire sometimes and I do get burned sometimes because of that as well But that burning they teach that teaches me lessons which sometimes are unique or they're not easy to find and they're not easy to get and Then they become valuable and then if this subject is interesting to you then hopefully You can learn from where I got burnt from or gain some experience knowledge. Well, I think you got the message. So That's the intro and without further ado. Let's get going So and oh, okay. Well side note, you don't have to necessarily listen to the previous episode About how I got those members in the beginning You can if you want to but you don't have to but the story does continue that for the first few months of me opening my dowjara I was only 22 years old. I keep getting confused whether it's 21 or 22 Always forget, but I was young as hell and back then at that day was funny because I thought that that's natural That's the way to go. I was like a lot of people would tell me like a lot of my students were way older than me But they were like really, you know loyal and respectful, which actually initially I was concerned about I was like, oh I'm 22 years old. How will people believe in me? So I thought myself. I need to do such a good job That they would and I was able to pull that off initially Sometimes I had those funny cases where not everyone but some adults would come in especially in the Thwayna Which is still kind of a bit of an old-school country. It's changing, but it still is Older people they would come in and they wouldn't respect me at all because I'm this young guy But by the end of it after they would see how I teach and they would see how much I know They would suddenly change completely and they would be super respectful to me and that was funny. I was like dude come on, you know Be a more authentic me more honest But anyway, so my most my students were way older than me and they were like, whoa Roka is he's so young and knows this knows that I was like, what's the big deal now? I look back. I'm like, holy shit. How did I pull that off when I was 21 or 22? Holy crap, you know, I'm surprised to this day Now now I realized that that was exceptional that was unusual But back then seemed to be normal because I haven't seen that much of the world. I haven't Had so much independence. I hadn't lived in this reality that most people live in my reality was I finished high school I went to the spiritual school and what not So so my my experience was unique and and my understanding of what is reality was different than most of people That was actually one of the problems But so I initially I was just so passionate and so enthusiastic and so driven and And I believed a hundred percent and what I was doing it also believed a hundred percent in what my Aikido teacher did And he was a very significant influential Individual in my life personality I Worship him. I was super loyal to him. I didn't question him whatsoever, which again was my mistake But also to you know, I was 22 and I wanted to really become the best Aikido instructor possible As soon as I can and I figured that if I just blindly completely follow my Aikido instructor, then I Will get there faster because I saw some people questioning and doubting sometimes for good reason but sometimes just like you know being dicks and I saw that that Inhibited their progress like if you question everything like a like a dickhead then you will You know, you won't get anything and I decided to go the opposite way. So I completely was to go to him completely faithful and To some of you as it worked out, you know, I learned Some lessons the quick way and some of his advices were good But obviously, you know, there were some shit between that too and I took that as well And that's kind of the point of the story So We're in 2012 A few months in my students are completely In love with what we're doing and they're devoted to me and so on and I even had like a new Chidashi program as well Which is a living student program Where you have people living in your dojo and I had this young guy living in my Aikido school and learning for me All the time and I would you know consult him. I was like I was doing what my Aikido instructor did as well. It wasn't just Aikido is also kind of this self-help guru thing where I would go to meetings with my students and I would share them my wisdom and some of it was good some it was Not as good, but I was sincere and I didn't want to sell something just to sell I just really spoke about things I'd believed in and so I was trying to support people in their personal growth and that was part of the whole Community we had it was about self-growth About achieving your goals and so on and most of the stuff part of the stuff was what from what I learned from from my personal experience part of it was Things I took from my teacher and I believed to be true and I kind of passed it on No meditation knowing yourself enlightenment what not I spoke about them a few other episodes now the thing is which was a crucial part is I Think like six months was come everything was just like super good But I don't want to go into this part too much, but That I learned actually years later It's fairly recently when I got divorced I was like, I don't know eight months ago or so officially Was a longer process, but but I might my students told me to me that They did feel like when I got into that relationship That actually changed and I think it was true Like the first six months I was completely devoted to my students my heart It was my whole life was about them Improving their lives and when I got into a relationship, I guess, you know party that's human I got more focused also on the relationship of living with my ex now ex and But also so don't I go this too much, but he was also very demanding. I can admit that, you know, she she wanted She she did give me some space and freedom, but also she she she was very clear about setting a boundaries and you know not wanting me to spend too much time with my students and She sometimes felt like my students were abusing me now that I look back I don't think that was a fair statement But but she kind of also wanted to protect me and and held me back I think my students started to feel that that I'm not as devoted to them as I was before So that was part of it, but actually I think the more important part was that After about six seven eight months There's a few different layers here, but but one of the main ones is I started to see the same problems happening in my dojo in my community that I built The same problems that I witnessed and experienced in the community. I was living in in switzerland the akito school And that was surprising to me. I thought look these are different people This is a to a degree a different culture I'm a different person as well so why the hell are the same internal community problems coming up in In in my community And I'll tell you more about what they were but but I was surprised. I was I was kind of caught off guard And I thought this is kind of suspicious and part of it was probably the biggest one Leaving you on a cliffhanger so I could drink my coffee Was that my students were respectful to me, but they were also afraid of me Super interesting to think about that now that you look back. I was like 22 years old, right? think that And my students were some of them are 40 50 Some of them were younger as well, but but most of them were like they they were completely loyal devoted respectful, but also afraid They were afraid to fail in front of me. They were afraid to make a mistake They were afraid to say the wrong thing I guess because they just really idolized me And I was part of the problem. They really felt like I'm some Some out of this world human being You know, I was I was their spiritual teacher and I was this I was so passionate and devoted about anything that they felt that I'm something else I'm beyond And again, that was one of the problems but the thing is To a big degree that's exactly what my Aikido instructor did as well and not like he would come in and I didn't do that either I not like you would come in and be like I am a special human being respect me No, but but that came across through other acts and messages kind of internal kind of subconscious messages the way you act What I realized to be my mistake. I think later was that I didn't share I shared only the positive sides of my life. I only I was devoted to being an ideal human being And I didn't share with my students the dark sides of my life Like if I had trouble with my relationship or if I had some financial troubles I kept that aside because I thought I need to be perfect with them in order to inspire them The thing is they believed it The thing is they they took that As reality they really thought I'm some kind of a perfect human being and that inspired them But also when I started to fail When I started to do human mistakes When my limitations started to come out because Look at the fact that I was 22 years old. I didn't know so many things I didn't have like a proper relationship. I I didn't understand how money works. There were so many things I was missing And when that started to come out my students suddenly were a bit in a crisis They were like Wait, Rokus is not perfect What the fuck you know, we see like Suddenly like he's a human being and that was kind of shocking to them Part of that also came through me giving them less attention me being more with my former partner But uh, but yeah, so it was a whole mix And part of it was me understanding that My students are developing certain qualities, which I wasn't happy about and that was like I realized it's not healthy that my students are afraid of me And as I mentioned, I was surprised that that was I realized that was the same That was the same Dynamics the same dynamics applied in the community. I lived in switzerland We were most of us were afraid of my ketone tractor. We respected him, but we were also afraid me in particular I never wanted to fail him. I always wanted to make sure That I do only the right things and he in a way he punished us for mistakes I remember like me and my Roommate my black belt brother like you the black belt brother. Who's a great guy? We but we were both similar age. I was like 20 19 20 He was like 22 23 And we both kind of did something we that we knew that our ketone tractor might Not approve of and I don't remember what it was, but it was definitely something small now that looked back And we were walking towards the dojo and we're both freaking out. We're like, holy shit We're gonna get shit for this Our keto instructors gonna kill us And we're both just literally we're afraid of what he's gonna say And and he wasn't like an evil dude, you know, like he wasn't one of those shouting guys or whatever. It was it was subtle But he would he would give you a very hard time from making some mistake Although officially you're like you learned from mistakes and blah blah blah, but then if you fail He would let you know that And another terrible thing which I took from him He would never accept blame Very rarely very rarely most of the times and I was like a reoccurring parent that I later realized I personally now believe through my life experience that there's you know, there's always Metaphorically, there's always two drivers at fold Like one maybe is more irresponsible, but the other one was also in the wrong place at the wrong time At least 95 percent of time, right? So there's always like if there's some shit happening There's always responsibility on both sides and in the previous video I mentioned to you that my philosophies you always have to ask yourself like what did I do wrong In this in this shit that happened instead of blaming the other one Unfortunately my keto instructor he He used to be very much focused on what did you do wrong? Like heavily He was never wrong Very rarely And now that I look back like oftentimes like he was not fair You know, he was saying the wrong thing. He was he was too judgmental He was too heavy He actually oftentimes created the conditions for our failure. Let's see didn't explain well enough what we should do or Or something like that, but it was always our fault You know, he always had that kind of draw to To tell you what you did wrong. He was very good at Making you think that it's all your fault And I think I took that on a certain level So one of the one of the things I took from him Which was again kind of his way of acting was always showing you only the good side of yourself Kind of trying to create that image that you're perfect In in subtle ways and the other one was Blaming you, you know getting a hard time from making a mistake And I did those both things because I thought that works I was embodying my teacher also. Obviously, I had my own vibe. I had my own methods But a big part of me was trying to replicate what my Aikido instructor did in order to achieve the the same great success he had But the thing is I realized that by replicating him I replicated not only the successes. I also replicated the shit that was happening in his community There was a lot of shit, trust me Now that I look back there's some dark stuff happening there Not like you know child pornography or something Don't want to give you that hint, but but just like human dynamics There was there was a lot of and there were a lot of unhealthy dynamics Which I was part of And I realized I brought those unhealthy dynamics of the community into my dojo And when I when I started to see that I was like, holy shit. I don't want that I don't want my students to be afraid of me. I don't want them to To actually that was also the thing is that I was also developing a relationship where there was No independence. It was the opposite of independence. People are super dependent on me They didn't make their own decisions didn't make their own choices because they always felt like they have to call me and check About every decision because they were helping you run the dojo, you know, some I need them some of them are like instructors I give them some of our classes and so on They were really involved But they always had they always felt like they need to check things with me They always wanted to make sure that I was happy about those things And that made them dependent, which is terrible. That's not what you should do with people. You should empower them You should Give them the ability to make their own decisions not the other way around I need a cliffhanger in order to drink my coffee, but I think I'll just drink it now I'm just taking a break because now this is a bit emotional so When I realized that uh, now let's go back to so you kind of know the whole setup now Some that's come to the moment of my students starting to abandon me So one part was then realizing I'm a human being but I'm not perfect But also I made sure to do that too because I realized internally and truly I realized that's the right thing to do When I understood that my students think I'm perfect and they idolize me way beyond healthy standards That they're thinking I'm some perfect human being and you know, they're striving to be like that too I realized that's not real. That's fake. I don't want them to go that way So I actually started to dim down the perfectness and also allow myself to be more human with them I started to talk more about my own shit I started to To allow myself to fail in front of them and to admit my failure I allowed myself to admit the sites that I did wrong and that was initially that was like a pretty terrible Experience because I had like a core group of students were helping me run the dojo and And one day I realized you know what I need to do this. I need to Let them admit my mistakes Which beforehand I didn't do because I followed the teachings of my teacher And they when they saw that they have that opportunity there was so much they had in store beforehand they were afraid to tell me that What I did wrong the mistakes I made the things they did not approve of that I'm doing but they respected me so much that they held that back they held it inside Or talked between each other again about that but not with me, which is again the terrible thing And then I gave them the conditions to To let me know what they think I'm doing wrong and there was just so much There was so much, you know, I for like an hour I remember that quite literally we're sitting in the dojo and they were just like You know, I didn't like it when you do this and then that and then that and then that they were kind of eating me a lie And I was painful But I knew I had to turn the interior. I knew I had to go through this I need to set the balance straight. Maybe, you know, I wasn't smart enough. Maybe I should have set some limitations But that's what I did, you know, I made that therapy for myself. I was like, okay Give me all that ship But I think for them that was also really difficult because that made them admit that I'm not perfect And that's that started to To create the process of them losing faith And again, I said it's kind of painful to look back because you know, I don't want to And this is not so I'm not going to do what I'm saying that you shouldn't I'm not About putting blame on my students You know, I can't say it's their fault, but But it was painful for me to kind of realize that It just feels like They because I only introduced a part of me. I only introduced the idealistic the perfected part of myself that that I started to realize they were loving only the The the the good side of me They were loving the sensei side of me and and you know, some people miss this Misunderstand this some people think Some people think that you know, I was pretending to be someone I wasn't and it wasn't true Like maybe you know, I was replicating some parts of my teacher, but I was really honest I was really authentic. I was like that was me, but it was only part of me I wasn't showing the dark side of myself and the the weak side of myself Which we all have But then I realized that's the part which my students fell in love with The part where I was semi-perfect, you know, perfect in their eyes And when they started to realize I'm not perfect that started to they started to lose faith in me. They thought So why are we believing what he's saying and some of the stuff I said was good Some of the stuff I said I still believe in myself. I was still teaching the things only which I really felt were true I wasn't trying to You know fake through But they started to disregard everything Because suddenly they they felt like I was not I was fake They didn't recognize that there were good stuff as well Like I'm kind of going in circles here but yeah, so so they couldn't take my That they couldn't in my interpretation. They couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't perfect And the more I admitted that I'm not perfect. I think the harder time they had And suddenly I started to feel and see that my students are leaving me They started coming in less They started being less enthusiastic and I understand why again. I take my own I admit my own mistakes and I admit that you know, I kind of Created my own downfall But it was painful, you know, we had such a close relationship I give them so much and then suddenly I'm like I see they're looking at me and they're just kind of look at me as a failure Some of the students stayed Obviously the passion is never again like that before I guess we're a bit of a cult In that way like the ultra passion But yeah, and it was a hard time because I felt I felt I realized that that moment that I don't have anymore I don't have any friends I realized my students were not my friends They were only I think friends, you know friends except for who you are they love you for who you are They love your both sides my former students loved only the perfect side of me I couldn't come to them. They felt uncomfortable When I started to transform And I tried to balance out the the scales and I would come to them and And I would talk about my shit and I'd be like, oh, you know I had difficulty here and I felt they were uncomfortable listening to that. They didn't want To admit they didn't want to hear that I'm not perfect in the way and so Yeah, so students started to drop down Numbers dropped down and I could still you know sustain the doger I had a lot of kids students yoga students were not involved in that I was more kind of just teaching yoga. I wasn't like creating a movement People love my yoga. Although, you know, it's a whole different subject But uh, yeah, stay with me. I'm just gathering my thought here. Um So the number dropped down and I and I felt like I have no I realized I have no friends I had zero friends in the city everybody knew me as that sensey guy and even Funny enough, I just remembered That also reflected in the level of the whole city because the whole city I was kind of well known in that city in shuli People were a lot of people are looking up to me even people who didn't know me And beforehand like I did not allow myself to drink beer outside I didn't want to give a bad impression about myself I did not allow myself to get drunk, you know, I always try to give that I always try to give the best of myself to people and then I started you know Try to become more human And people were actually even people who didn't know they were not happy that I was drinking alcohol outside I learned that you know from other people. They were like, oh, look at that yoga circuit. He's drinking beer What the fuck he's a fake Look, you know, he's not a real yoga instructor. He's drinking wine That was like a legit thing like some people started to hate me because again, I was human And that was painful That was a painful period when I realized I don't have friends and people are judging me for being human I felt like I couldn't be a human. I felt like I couldn't be myself And I came to a wrong conclusion then I came to a conclusion that I cannot make my students friends Because when I started to be more friendly with my students, they also I felt like the respect level completely disappeared They started to take me as a friend. I'm like, ah, whatever whatever roka says And I understood that I do need to have some authority on some level and I don't want to go on a tangent here it's a whole story there too, but kind of the point of it was The students that I made into friends Wearing my students anymore. So I was like I was troubled and I was trying to guess so what I was trying to find a way I was trying to find so what works And for a moment, I thought I can't Be friends at all with my students And then I kind of distant my distance myself and I was kind of shutting myself in and that was painful to you And then eventually I started to realize you know what? Took a while But I realized you know what I need to own my shit That's also too when I read the book Always Start With Why by Simon Sinek, which was a very influential book for me and straight I started thinking like why am I doing this and how should I do it the best way? So there was a whole transformation process But eventually what I realized was that You know what? I need to own my human side And I realized you know what I'm not like everyone else There's a story I'll say it in a quick way, but a lion cub gets dropped grows up in between sheep And he decides that he's a sheep himself And he acts like a sheep And one day a while later Another lion comes in hunting And he starts to hunt the sheep and suddenly he sees the lion The sheep lion running right from him. He's like what the fuck is this and he runs after the sheep lion Drops him down Puts him on the shoulders and he's like what the fuck man. Why are you running for me? And the sheep lion is like Oh, no, no, you know, don't kill me lion. I'm just a poor sheep and the lion's like what the fuck is wrong with you, man It's like, uh, he's like, do you think you're a sheep and he's like, I am a sheep and he's like, no, you're a lion And the sheep lion is like, no, I'm a sheep. What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry for swearing a lot But so the the lion gets frustrated. He's like, okay, you're just hopeless. Let's let's go Let me check. By the way, how much camera time I have I think I'm starting to get out of limit It's not showing Holy crap. How do I know anyway? I think I have like 10 more minutes left on the other thing Yeah, man. Anyway, so he pulls the Sheep lion to the well to the lake and he puts his face in front of the lake and says What do you see and he's like, it's you a lion. He's like, well, that's you. He's like, no, that's not me That's just a lion. He's like The older lion gets frustrated. He's like, no, look Roar and the Young lion the sheep lion. He's like, I don't know how to roar. He's just like Just listen to me and just roar and the sheep lion just roars And he's like, holy shit. I am a lion I read the story a while ago and that story actually kind of helped me transform because I realized The the point of that story, there's numerous points, but the main point that I had in my mind was If you hang around and this is a bit bold, but but you know, stay with me if you hang around Sheep But you're a lion It doesn't mean in initially act like a sheep. It doesn't you're still not a sheep if you're a lion you're a lion And the thing I kind of realized at that transformational point that one of the mistakes I also did From being perfect trying to show you showing on my perfect side I kind of started to show only my human side only my casual side And I think that that didn't work either because my students were like, so why should we learn from him? He's you know, he's the same like us And I kind of realized, you know what I'm not the same like you I am a very devoted person You know, I worked my ass off To become an aikido instructor, you know, I took risks Which most people don't And every fucking day I worked my ass off To be able to offer something to you my discipline is is better than most people's Most my students And I knew shit that they didn't especially at that specific realm And so I shouldn't pretend like I am just some regular guy who knows nothing and by the side I teach aikido I was like, I know my aikido shit. I know my meditation shit I still think I sucked at yoga, but that's a different story But uh But yeah, so I I realized you know what I'm a lion and I have to be a lion But I need to be a lion who owns his ship. I'm not perfect But I'm not a nobody either I'm a mix and that's what I'm gonna own and I think that's when things started to pick up again