 This is the Danny K. Show with Harry James and his music makers, presented by Paps Blue Ribbon. 33 fine brews blended into one great beer. Gas neighbors for your entertainment, Paps Blue Ribbon presents Eve Arden, Lionel Sander, Bob Jullison, the outstanding music of America's top band, Harry James and his music makers, first really Ken Niles and Danny K. The opening night of Danny K's new playhouse, and in those frantic few moments just before curtain time, all is confusion and excitement. The jury is warming up. The fans are putting the scenery into place. The actors are running through their parts. The orchestra is in the pit, filling up. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Now let's run through that number again. Okay? One, two. What happened to me on opening night? Why, what's the matter, Danny? Well, look at me, Eve. I'm bent over double. I can't straighten up. What? Well, look at me. I'm bent over like a jackknife. Oh. Now hold still a second. Don't move. Now unhook your suspenders from your garters. Gosh, Eve, I don't know what I'd do without you. I know what I'd do without you. I'd live to a ripe old age. Now look, Danny. Don't be nervous. Relax. Relax? Relax? Who says I'm not relaxed? I'm perfectly relaxed. What makes you think I'm not relaxed? Relax? I'm calm? Cool? You take it easy. It's only opening night. What can happen? Yes, you're absolutely right, Eve. What can happen? What can happen? Oh, a lot of things can happen. Now, nothing will happen. I've checked everything. The costume. Oh, they won't fit. The scenery. It'll fall down. The lights. Oh, the lights. The lights. I knew they would do it. They'll go out. And if they go out, we'll have to do the play in the dark. And if we do the play in the dark, no one can see us. Maybe it's better that way. Yeah. But if they can't see us, they won't know when we're going. Yeah. But if they can't see us, they won't know when we start. And if they don't know when we start, they won't know when we're finished. And if they don't know when we're finished, they won't know when to go home. And if they don't go home, I'll be breaking the curfew. If I break the curfew. Danny, will you please calm yourself? Oh, calm myself. Yes, calm myself. I'll do it. I'll calm myself. I said calm myself. Oh, oh! What's the matter now? Oh, I forgot what I'm supposed to say. What's my opening line, Eve? Well, you walk on the stage, through the kitchen door, and say, Ellen, I love you. Yes. Yes, I remember now. I love you. Earless, I love you. What is that? I don't know, Eve. I don't know what happened. No, all of a sudden, something happened. I can't help it. Whenever I think of that opening night audience, my throat tightens up. Now, forget about the audience. Take the line again. Earless, I love you. Let us go before a juicess of the purse and we'll make his burden grim. I cannot marry you. I am in love with Jack. Jack? Come on, Danny. Let's run through it again. All right. It's no use, Eve. I'm as tight as a drum. I just can't. I, I... Eve, Eve, Eve. What's the matter? It's gone now. I'm, I've got laryngitis. Oh, Eve, Eve, Eve. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Danny, what's the matter with you? I've laryngitis. Laryngitis? That's nothing but nerves. I can cure that in a minute. You can? How? Well, the first thing you've got to do is stop whispering. Just saying your normal voice. Hello, Lionel. How are you? I've got laryngitis. I've got to do anything with Danny tonight. He's just a bundle of nerves. Naves? Naves are controlled by the brain. I've got no nerves. Why? No coaching from the audience, please. Oh, what about me? I have laryngitis. I can't talk. Well, you'll just have to talk to your tonsils. Talk to my tonsils? Sure, Danny. You see, I read a book. You read? Well, sure. Sometimes what I read will move my lips even. Remarkable. Now, the doctor that wrote this book says that the only way to overcome nervousness is to talk to different parts of your body and get them to relax. Lionel, why don't you have a talk with your brain and tell it to come home? All is forgiven. Miss Arden, I shall ignore both your in and your end, though. Pretty difficult to overlook that. Now, look, Danny. Suppose I want to relax my feet. The first thing I have to do is have a talk with my big toe. He's the boss. I say to my big toe, Tom, I say, why are you so nervous? You and your four little brothers relax. You haven't acted like this since the last time I got a hot one. Now, stop wiggling and relax. Go to sleep. There. Toes to sleep? Yeah. Out like a light. Look at that. Evie, it worked. Gee, Lionel, the doctor who wrote that book certainly knows his stuff. I bet he could straighten out my nerves in a minute. When can I meet him, Lionel? Oh, you can't meet the doctor now, Danny. Why not? He just had a nervous breakdown. This is Ken Niles in the lobby of the Danny K Playhouse. There's a tremendous crowd here tonight. Everybody who isn't anybody in Hollywood is here. The excitement of an important premiere is in the air, and everybody's talking of just one thing, the new Playhouse. Listen. Got a match? Yeah, got a cigarette? Nope. Yes, this promises to be the most glittering of all Hollywood opening nights. And speaking of opening nights, every night is opening night for a bottle of Pat's Blue Ribbon beer. The crowd is surging into the theater, and already the first 33 rows are filled to capacity. And speaking of 33, remember Pat's Blue Ribbon is blended from never less than 33 fine brews. Full flavor blended as only Pat's can do it to achieve its cherry sparkle and tang. It's gold and rich color. Good evening, Mr. Niles. Yeah, good evening. Folks, that was one of Hollywood's greatest columnists and critics. And speaking of great, when you taste that delicious appetizing goodness of Pat's Blue Ribbon, you'll say this really is a great beer. Curtain call. Well, there's the curtain call. And speaking of calls, wherever smart people gather, Pat's gets the call. For they know you can order it with confidence and serve it with pride. For no matter where you go, there is no finer beer. No finer blend. Then Pat's Blue Ribbon. How's everything looking? Oh, wonderful, Danny. Oh, well, any celebrity show up yet? No, but hey, look at that big car pulling up. I'll bet that belongs to some famous Hollywood star. Hey, look, he's getting out. Maybe it's Gary Cooper or Kerry Grant. Well, let's go over and see. Yeah. Oh. Jealouson. For a minute, we thought you were Kerry Grant. Oh, that's silly. I'm much more the Humphrey Bogart type. Well, I'm glad to see that you came to my opening, Jealouson. Oh, I'm a first nighter from way back. You are? You betcha. I thought you betcha. Hey, Mr. K. What play are you doing tonight? Well, we're doing a Russian play, my father wrote to me when he was nine weeks old. He was a child prodigy. Oh, what's the name of it? Well, the Russian title is Cipi drippi, cipi drippi lapamponi. What a nice woman. Jack na Cipi, Jack cedrak na Cipi drippi, Jack cedrak cedroni, na Cipi drippi lapamponi. Oh that's wonderful. But what does it mean? Well, it means that once upon a time there were three Chinese boys. Jack, Jack cedrak, Jack cedrak cedroni. And there were three Chinese girls. Cipi, Cipi drippi, Cipi drippi lapamponi. What a nice woman. Then they all got married. Jack married Cipi, Jack cedrak married Cipi drippi, Jack cedrak cedroni, married Cipi drippi lapamponi. Very happy. That's a very tender story. What does it mean? Once upon a time there were three Chinese boys. Jack, Jack cedrak, Jack cedrak. Hey Danny, you better get backstage and get your costume on. Harry's about to play the overture. Oh that's fine, what's he playing? I wish I knew. Oh, doesn't anybody know what's going on around here? The curtain is going up in a minute. Danny, that's the name of the song and Kitty Callan's going to sing it. Oh, thank you for it. The curtain's about to go up. You all set to eat? Lionel, how about you, Harry? I'm all set, Danny. I am James Butler. I murdered my master because he was cruel to me. Cruel, I tell you, so I killed him dead, dead. I tell you, dead. Oh, that's fine, Harry, that's fine. You killed the audience dead. Dead, I tell you, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. Danny, Ken Niles is out front greeting the first nighter. Well, good friends, we welcome you all to the opening of Danny Kay's new playhouse. Tonight we bring you an epic of Hollywood moviemaking starring Danny Kay as Donovitch Kayov, the great Russian impresario. Curtain? Music. The scene opens, the great Donovitch Kayov is just entering his private office. Where is my secretary? Right here, Mr. Kayov. Take some notes here, I got an absolutely sensational idea for a beautiful catastrophe. I'm ready. Quick, take notes. I'm ready. Too late! My brains have too much under mind, wait. Wait, I have a second idea for an absolutely sensational motion picture. I have seen close-up of men, long beard, razor in hand. What do you guys call it? Objective Bormashave. All my product. Bad humanity, that salmon you had last night must have disagreed with you. What? Who is salmon to disagree with me? Take it easy, Chief, it was only an idea. Well, who are you to get ideas? I am the genius. Never forget this. Which reminds me, I forgot my coat in a restaurant. The secretary, the brown derby on the phone. Here you are, sir. What took you so long? Hello, brown derby. Would you do me a favor? Would you please go across the street to Joe's cafeteria and get my coat? Secretary, topen up your tea, Prater. I have for you a very long shorthand. A super detective story in technical color. A detective story? Absolutely. I will call it Meet Me in Louis. Saint? For my stars, I will have Lorry in black ball and Humphrey Bugle. Can you get him, Chief? Can I get him? Of course not. But with Danimic K.O. Nothing is possible. What is next? There's an actor outside waiting to see you. An actor? All right, show him in. This way, please. You are an actor? James the butthole. I killed my master because he was cool to me, so I killed him. I killed him, I tell you. Well, Mr. K.O. How do you like that? I can tell you in one word. Well? That is not the word. Can I make pictures with actors like this? How can you make pictures without money? You're a flat frog. Who is frog? What are you talking about? Yesterday, I put big deposit in bank. 6,000 clams. But that is not good enough for them. They want money. Wait just a moment. I have it. That girl. What girl? The girl I meet last night. Little Iwaneska high pockets. She is very rich. Very crazy about me. Also very rich. Yes. I now go to call on my little cauliflower who has plenty of folding cabbage. Ah, good evening, my little scallion. You are so lovely. You are so beautiful. I would like to run barefoot through your hair. I am James the butthole. All right, I'll run through your moustache. Don Quibble. Oh, Donovich, it's just too, too charming of you to have dropped in. I think it's fun to barge in on people. I am always happy to drop in on a barge like you. Ah, my little cabbage. You are so beautiful. If I could only capture your beauty and candles. If I only had my brush and my weasel. Ah, every time I look into your eyes, my heart goes flop-chicka-flop-chicka. Oh, Donovich, let me hold me in your arms while I sing to you the love song of my native country or chest health. Help me to make such a metronome. I think that the great Donovich chaos loves poor little me. Poor? You are poor? Papa controls the estate. But never mind Papa and his money. Kiss me. Step aside, I kiss Papa. Easy as that, Donovich. Papa is extremely frugal. You mean your father squeezes nickels? Oh, he isn't as bad as that. Would you care for a glass of buffalo milk? Really, Donovich, I must tell you this. What is it? Papa is utterly heart... Just a second, that's Papa. Oh, pardon me. Papa is utterly heartless and ruthless. He's a cold man. Out of my way, my little droshka. I'm going in to see your father. Papa, papa. Ah, there you are, Mr. High Pockets. No way. I hate you. I am nasty. Are you making me? Spare me one moment, please, I beg of you. I am Donovich chaos, the impresario. I write, act, direct, produce, and Saturdays I play short stuff for Pasadena Bloomer Girls. I am a genius. And I have a letter signed by me to prove it. State your business. I am a very busy man and also very tough. All right, I will get down to brass tactics. I need one million dollars. No, more. Five hundred thousand. Okay, you talk me into it. What are you going to do with the money I give you? I am going to produce a great epic. A modern master-post based on the story of Little Red... Little Red Riding Jacket. I call it, For whom the wolf howls. Jay, that sounds fetching. But before I give you the money, there's one proviso I must make. There is always one proviso. Unfortunately, not, not lately. Yes, I insist that my son have the leading role. Only I have one condition when I do this. Can he act? Oh, he is a great actor. I'll call him in. All right, son, act. I am James the butler. I killed my master because he was so cruel to me. Out of this! Fair enough. Rather than use him as an actor, I abdicate from the picture business. I return to the ballet. The ballet? Oh, are you a dancer too? Am I a dancer? I was born to be a dancer. And when the music plays, the ants and my fans do touristy things. And what is the answer? Why is this condition? Because when I was born, I was born in fifth position. I enter the world with an oop. LA. Page two month, three weeks. I was calling on my ballet. Other children say da-da. And mother. When I opened my mouth, came out Pavlova. So I just the chassis and I plead to play it till I was the corpse. The corpse de ballet, was then I met Pavlova. Uh-huh. What an elevation! In such an extension She was dancing in Big Syracuse Ballet with a part of the famous Syracuse. I spell a Syracuse, but no mind of his own. In this ballet he is walking on tightrope, 100 feet in the air, when suddenly somebody yells, Swing it! I spell a Syracuse, but no impulses. There was Pavlova without a part right in the middle of heritage. Everybody's in great confusion. But not me. I am unconscious. A greatly sympathetic Pavlova told me what to do to rise from Corpse Ballet to public dancer number 2. It's a very simple method, there is really nothing to it. Whatever everyone else is doing, you don't do it. They are up, you are down. They are down, you are up. They are leaving, you are cleaning, they are waking, you are sleeping, they are laughing, you are crying, they are leaving, you are dying. They go east, you go west, that is where the sun shines best. Pavlova! I got out of Siegme to dance in the healthy prince. It is bitter cold night. And for costumes we are wearing strings of vitamin pills. Either my with aching my legs, holding my back, pain in my head, and trouble with my ballerina. So I say to myself, what is more important? Open your morning. Make all appearance of that flannel underwear. Next morning I am hailed by the critics as the first hot ballet dancer. But then on, when Paul Hake starts a faking wedding, he's making with the shaken apple drape a salsa paper on the floors. Then who's the man they call on when they cannot get the Paul? I'm the man in the red flannel drawers. When a gynsky dothra vinsky like a chorus, boyfriend vinsky enters out one of the worst areyadors. Then to scare the bull and carmen, they just send a three-alarm for the man in the red flannel drawers. That leeching, mass-inducing, faking, pretzver go to bober, to man of a luban of a u-san of a Pavlova. He grefsky, or she grefsky, or patefsky, but of course, I came to America to make my 54 farewell debuts. But between my farewell and my debut, what has happened to the dance? They're now dancing with angle. They're now dancing with barefoot. They're now dancing with significance. Martha Graham. Martha Graham and her six little crackers are performing monster ballet called diesel engine number 45. Martha Graham is playing part of the diesel engine. Six little crackers are playing spot-flug. Dwight Mann is making guest appearances flywheel. The ballet star. Pavlova. The wonderful things we used to do. I could do them again if I only had you. But how can you do when you ain't got with me? Pavlova. Oh yeah, you lionel? I'm a sucker for all. I'm cultural culture. Well, I'm glad to see you enjoy the finer things, lionel. I just ooze refinements. I'm a patron of the arts, a patron of the opera, and a patron of the cinema. How about beer? Patron of Pat's Blue Ribbon. Oh, that's fine, lionel. All people who appreciate the finer things always choose Pat's Blue Ribbon because it's a blended beer. Full flavor blended from never less than 33 fine brews. This process of full flavor blending ensures the even goodness and sparkling quality that sets this famous beer apart. Yes, Pat's Blue Ribbon has all the qualities that particular people look for in a beer. It's the most tingling, appetizing flavor that ever flowed from a bottle. So order it with confidence and serve it with pride. For no matter where you go, there is no finer beer, no finer blend than Pat's Blue Ribbon. This program was directed by Dick Mack and brought to you by the Pat's Brewing Company in Milwaukee with confidence. You are here to know. This is E.D.S. Trigolumbia Broadcasting System.