 I'm Wendy Lo and I'm your friend as we partner to taking your health back. We are joining you and coming to you live from downtown Honolulu from the studios of Think Tech Hawaii. Think Tech Hawaii brings you topics from about 45 very colorful show hosts with very diverse topics and backgrounds like me. Very colorful. Today our question is will you coach me? What I would like you to take away from today's discussion is that coaching was deemed a luxury and has become a leadership necessity now. How do we create an environment that inspires our community, teens and teens and young adults and children to connect in person to communicate their ideas and have open dialogue? In order to attract and to retain the elevated level of talent, leaders will be called to coach. Will it be you? Today I'm very honored to welcome my special friend and guest, Grace Howe. Grace Howe is a coach, a life coach and a dear friend for a long time. We went, we're talking just now, how long have we known each other? Oh my goodness. 16 years. 16 years. That's a long time girl. Yes. Yes. And when I met you, we stumbled into your mother and yourself at a trade show and that was 16 years ago, huh? And I think you were starting another organization called the DSWA that really, really was interesting because it was cutting edge that you and your mom partnered to bring this business or this coaching, started from coaching and guidance to different direct sales and marketing organizations. And you did a fabulous job with that. So Grace, tell us a little bit more about yourself besides just that. Well, I like to share with people. I am the wife of one and the mother of eight and that's quite abundant and fun and I love living here. I've lived here for many years and I've worked everywhere else globally and so now it's a blessing to be able to contribute to our own community. Wow. Very grateful for that. You said eight children. Eight is great. Eight is great. Someone tried to tell me nine is divine. Eight is good. And Chinese character, eight is good rich, so eight, stay right there, you're going right there. And you and your husband makes ten, so that makes two basketball. That makes a team. You guys can play against each other. Yes. Right? Yes. Wow. Have you ever done that? Yes. Totally. Daily. And what really amazed me Grace is how tall are you? I'm six feet tall. Okay. She's six feet tall. Again, your daddy is? Six three. Six three and he's Hawaiian blood. Yes, Hawaiian. And how tall is he? He's six feet tall too. Yeah. So when I hang out with these guys, I'm five, five when he goes maybe five, eight on a good day. So sitting down makes me look really, you know, eye to eye with you. But I tell you, when I'm hanging out with their family, it's like the lad of the Giants. It's an amazing, healthy, powerful, happy family that I just love being around. And the energy levels are so high, of course, they're up here, but it's just a great level of energy that I love being around. So you and your mom work together, so that's considered a family business. I've met you and your mom at the same time, and I've worked with both of you at the same time. And I know you both partner in coaching. So what is it like to have a family business? I think it's one of the greatest blessings. I think that my family accelerated our experiences in life. And now we have the opportunity to do the same for our children and being inclusive. It's not my business. Our family business and being inclusive, it's setting our future generations up for success. So they're learning how to communicate with people. They're learning how to set goals. They're learning how to fall and move forward, to bounce forward. We may not hit every goal in the timeframe that we set. The key, though, I think for most children is to be able to even ask them, what did you succeed at and what did you learn? And so that you can progress and go forward. Wow, and then the key as well is not just asking them the questions, but I always have to visualize I'm zipping it up and then listen to their answers. So you're coaching them and you're listening to them at the same time, as well as building a relationship. And that's kind of a lot of what is missing in a lot of family dynamics today. So the fact that you can sit and relate and coach in a way, but we call mentoring, but because you're a coach, you will say, I'm a coach, but I mentor my children. Oh yes, there are future generations and being able to give them that gift so that they can carry that forward with them the rest of their life, now. Right, when I met you, you were starting your business and now you're more of a coach, and so you grew it globally, and now you're focusing a lot on growing it locally, tell us about that. So globally, we've been working in over 30 countries, and I had this thought that I live here in Hawaii and I work everywhere else, and so being able to contribute locally, this is actually an image of us at Microsoft. That's a local project. All the profits from the registrations go to a local nonprofit, and we're contributing to business professionals in our community. So it's super exciting to be able to contribute locally, working with local organizations, education systems like Kamehameh schools, Hemic Insurance, various banks, banking institutions, and people, people that have a passion for our community and that are looking to make a difference. So I'm very thankful that Microsoft has agreed for me to collaborate with them locally through the STEM conference and other wonderful things that we can do to support our youth and all of our generations. How powerful is that that you get to go and work firsthand and hand-in-hand with our youth as well as our professional people? So, you know, are there, when you're working in groups, are there some that are like 5% or like above average and they're just outstanding in your eye? Oh my goodness, everyone is outstanding in my eye. See, when you see someone great, they will show themselves great unto you. How we see someone is often how they show up. So if we say you're capable, you are articulate, you are passionate about what you do, they will own that message and become it. So, yeah, I am a believer in my students. I'm a believer in our community. And I think now is the time to do something about it. See, I thought in the past, I thought, well, I'm one person. Well, I learned from Mark Victor-Hanson. He said, one plus one is 11. So let's connect with other like-minded people. Get out and do something about it versus wait for something to happen. I'm so blessed and I'm so glad that you have eight children that they are going to be just like you, right? And then they'll be able to have the gift of communication and building relationships. So they go out and they multiply that, right? How great is that? And they're getting it free because they're learning it by watching mommy and grandma and a mama and grandpa as well. Because you all live that. You don't just preach it. I know you live it within your home. That's dynamic. I'm so excited for you, Grace. So transporting valued people. Oh, okay. What does that mean? Oh, my goodness. So that's what coaching actually is back in the day in 16th century England. It was said to be transporting valued people from where they are to where they prefer to be. And so when you go to practice the skill of coaching, which is asking questions, listening, giving compassionate feedback, you're also supporting someone to come up with an action plan and then acknowledging them. When you do that, what you're saying is you're valued and valuable. You're important. You matter. It's a gift. So being able to have a willingness to help slow down so we can speed up. I had a phenomenal conversation with a very successful man here in Hawaii. And he was talking about how our youth, our Z generation is the loneliest generation. The loneliest generation. And so how can we create relationship and have human contact with them? How can we ask them questions? See, sometimes what happens is in relationships, children are seen and not heard. Whereas we have an opportunity to ask them a question and evoke a response. Right. Be interested. Right. Then when it's your turn to share, you're interesting. Right. Wow. It's powerful. It sounds to me very much like the blue zone effect. Right? Yes. Where the coupon and the keiki get together and they actually spend time listening with each other and to each other and just understanding how is your day? And then you keep asking the keiki that and then they turn around and say, Tutu, how is your day? I mean, what for you would ask an older person, hey grandma, how is your day? But if you do this every day and they feel good, they want Tutu to feel good too. So then they turn around and they start, right? Yeah. So coaching back and forth through generations. I think that's so powerful. So powerful. So how does coaching impact relationships and communication? So coaching impacts relationships by one, finding out a bit more about the other person. See sometimes if we're coming from a place of self-service, it is all about us and what we want to tell you and what we want to teach you versus when we're coaching someone, we're coming from a place of adding value. And one thing is that you're asking a person questions so that they can awaken the giant within. I love this quote by Carl Gustav and he said, those who look outside dream, those who look within awaken. And so with coaching, I believe that we awaken dormant brilliance, genius. Someone's creativity, their inner thoughts, their inner dialogue so that they can put it out and address it versus sweep it under the rug. And so many times, you know, we don't have enough of that conversation. And so people, they're not even developing, they're not even maxing out who Kea Kua created them to be because they don't have that opportunity. They want it, but they don't know where to go and get it because a lot of times they're not giving it. So if I was an introvert and I wasn't ever asked, I'll just keep everything here. And how not so powerful is this? But if I just shared my heart and opened it up, you know, through your coaching, guiding me to speak and share. I tell you, that's why it's so, so very invaluable. So how can we self-coach? See, I love this. It's an African proverb. When there's no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot harm you. So self-coaching is a way for you to be your greatest ally. It is something you are constantly available to yourself. You may not have a coach to contact and to call and say, okay, I want to speak this through. So it's important that you are able to do that for you as a gift. And you can see a distinction in those that self-coach. People that self-coach can bounce forward faster. They are less likely to react when something goes wrong. They are less likely to react when something doesn't go according to plan. And they're more likely to respond to a situation or a challenge. So self-coaching is asking yourself a question and always the more beautiful response for the more beautiful question. So I encourage you to omit the words why. Why carries judgment. Also omit the words should because should also carries judgment. Wow, powerful. And all along I thought I was going a little crazy. I keep talking to myself, asking the questions. And I'm building, I'm self-coaching. And so I have a little bit of that gift. Maybe because I used to hang out with you a lot. Both you and your mom. I used to watch when you coach from the front of the room. I'm thinking, wow, such wisdom. And I say from a young lady, as you are, such wisdom. Of course, you yourself had a powerful mentor and a powerful coach, which is your mom. And I keep alluding to her because she's my dear friend. And so what are some ways that our viewers can develop self-coaching or just coaching? Sure. So practice makes permanent. And that's an important. It's not about being perfect. It's about making it permanent. And it starts with you. So what questions can you ask yourself that would inspire you? If it is supporting you and making you feel good and think in an elevated state, then that is a question that's serving you. If it is a question that's making you feel bad, like, why am I so tired? Why did that happen to me? Why did he cut me off? That is not going to move you forward versus what am I grateful for? Cool am I grateful for? How can I move forward from here? What does progress look like in my life? Who loves me and who do I love? These are questions that if you were to practice this, your mind will automatically respond to those. Every question the mind is given, it will answer. What thoughts do you want to awaken within you? I think a very common one is what next? When you're having a bad day and I call, what else could go wrong? You're asking for it. How negative is that? I say don't say that. Just be grateful for what is, but don't ask what more. Because then we're just going to get more of that. You're asking for it, so it's out there. When you put it out there, it's going to come. A better way instead of saying, oh my gosh, I'm having such a bad day, the dog, today it's food, he pooped on the carpet, and then my car got hit, what next? What would you say to that? I may say cancel clear. Thank goodness for the cleaning products that we have to take that all out. There you go. The dog is, I'm looking for the meal that the dog would love. I get to find a meal the dog loves. We call that reframing or canceling out, and so if somebody says something to you, you can't just kind of go cancel clear in front of that. I can't do that anymore. They might think, okay, this lady has lost her marble. I just kind of go like that, like cancel clear or delete, or I will rephrase that statement. Right, right. So someone may not know that they are saying something that could be detrimental to your wellbeing or your mindset. So in yourself, that's when it's time to say, okay, cancel clear, that's their opinion. This is my truth. Wow. I tell you, you don't even have to get coaches listening to this YouTube. And you're going to get all the coaching you need. It's right here today, right? Turn the negative to positive in your lives. Well, that's the beginning. That's the foundation for what we're teaching today. So we're going to take a 60-second break right now, Grace, and when we return, more wisdom coming your way. Aloha. Collateral Analytics. The Cook Foundation. Dwayne Kurisu. The Hawaii Community Foundation. The Hawaii Council of Associations of Apartment Owners. Hawaii Energy. The Hawaii Energy Policy Forum. Hawaiian Electric Company. Integrated Security Technologies. Galen Ho of BAE Systems. Kamehameha Schools. MW Group. The Shidler Family Foundation. The Sydney Stern Memorial Trust. Volo Foundation. Yuriko J. Sugimura. Thanks so much to you all. Aloha, and welcome back. I'm here today with Grace Howell, mother of eight, coach of the world, and giving a lot of free advice. So stay tuned because more is coming. I know. I was asking her, what do you do when people are so negative? You know, it's like everything coming out of their mouth is like, what next? I'm doom and gloom. What next could happen? And she said, Cancel Clear. Cancel Clear. Delete. Delete. Reframed. Yes. I used to go like that, and my kids would see me go like that, and they're like, okay, no. Okay. No, that's not what I was supposed to say or what I meant. Okay. So now I just say, Cancel Clear. Yes. And that's to yourself. So I'm not announcing. Cancel Clear Lady, Cancel Clear. That's another good point. Let me make sure there's a lot of clarity here. Yes. No verbiage. Not necessarily. In your mind though. Okay. In your mind. Got it. So what can we awaken with coaching? Oh my goodness. So what we can awaken with coaching is our inspiration, our creativity. We can awaken with coaching our relationships, our dormant ideas, our inner wisdom. See, I believe each of us were given a gift that only we can bring to the world. Yes. And one of, I was on a conference call many years ago and Les Brown was the speaker on the line and he said, The greatest wealth is not in the oil, in the oil fields or in the diamond mines. The greatest wealth is in the graveyards. And I was like, Oh my goodness. Okay, we've got a lot of people on this call. Where is he going with this? He said, No, it's people taking their treasure to the grave with them. They're brilliant. They're wisdom. So coaching awakens someone's ideas. It's almost like the definition of a true friend is the one that will allow us to think out loud. And that's what you're doing right now is you're asking these questions that are thought provoking that give me an opportunity to think out loud so we can bless the people that are accessing the show. And that's a blessing in itself, guys, because as I mentioned earlier, many times we are not given that opportunity to share our innermost thoughts and wisdom. And so we will take it to the grave. And how sad would that be that we didn't have the opportunity to really just come out and share and make a difference in someone's life. And so for you, Grace, with your wisdom and the knowledge that you're sharing with the viewers is all the wisdom you have coming out, making them greater. And how powerful is that when we're allowed to do that? What a gift. And the fact that you are able to use your gift and call it a job with motherhood. So what are some strategic questions to ask ourselves and others? Oh, wow. So some strategic questions. Well, this sets your goals. This gets your goals. You're now your gut. And so the gut loves sensory-based communication. So it loves to talk about what you see. So visual questions. So what is my vision for my life? Most people, they'll plan a vacation longer than they will a vision for their lives. And so being intentional about asking what is my vision for my family? What picture would I prefer for the people that I love? Even asking how do I feel right now? So your sensory-based communication is your kinesthetic language. So how am I feeling? How would I prefer to feel? Who elevates? When I'm in their space, who brings me up? And they champion my vision. When I'm in their space, who brings me down? So you've got people that want to, like crabs in the bucket, they want to pull you back in. So stay here with me. And you probably are a person. If you're watching this show, you're probably a person that's like, this is the life that I prefer. So that's another question you can ask yourself, is what life do I prefer? And we're not settling. See, it's not about settling. It is what it is. What happens is when we say, oh, it is what it is, that is self-sabotaging. We're self-sabotaging our success or our ability or our giftings. So being able to say something like, well, what would move me forward? What's one step that would move me closer to what I would like for my family or for me or for my community or for our people. And so ask the question. Also ask it of others. See, when I go out and I'm meeting and networking and connecting with people, I'm asking them questions because I am not learning when I'm talking. Right. And we want to be constantly learning. Yes. I'm learning when you're sharing with me. Now, this is a little bit different. You're interviewing me if I'm interviewing you. I got some questions in here. That's why I'm glad I'm here. Because she's a doozy. You got the questions. I know it. I've been in your seat with you, so when you call me to the front of the room, I know, I know. But then you were allowing me to max out who I was or who I should be. And at that point, 16 years ago, I was a kid that needed all the coaching and mentoring because I wasn't this person. I've watched you. I've watched other great speakers. And I said, if they can do it, I can do it. And I need to just max out because it's in there. So I was able to reach down and find it. And I'm still reaching down and looking for it. But you know, it's easier. It's not all so deep anymore. It's rising up because I wanted to. I'm bringing it up. So thanks to your coaching and your guidance and your love and the way you deliver the message. That's so powerful. Yeah, it's not like you're like, you're like just lifting me up and letting me come out and that maxing me out. And so you're creating this. You've helped image or shape me is what I say. So publicly, I'd like to say mahalo. Mahalo girl and mahalo to your mom. Yeah, mahalo. So you know, there's open questions and closed questions. Yes. Some examples of a closed question that I would ask. Yes. So closed questions stifle the interactions. So if we say, was school good today? No. Yes. That's what we're, that's an example of a closed question. Was it? Is it? Do you? Are you? Will you? Could you? Can you? Those are all closed questions that will stifle the interaction, which will bring out a yes, no, or maybe response. Right. Do you like me? No. No. You know? Or do I like you? Yes. We're just playing. Yeah. Exactly. So the do or those examples of closed questions, what happens is, is that where do you go from there? Right. So when you ask an open-ended question, what you're doing, and those begin with who, what, when, where, and how. Who, what, when, where, how. The how and the what are the most strategic questions. Those will support you to come up with solution-oriented thinking. The most challenging people often to work with or to coach are problem-oriented individuals. They're focused on the problem. They've taken up cap in the problem. They are living the problem. Right. And so that can cause challenges in the interaction. And somebody asked me, Grace, well, how do you coach those people? I said, ask solution-oriented questions. How and what. And watch how your mind will come forward with new ideas on how to address a challenge. This also supports healthy conversation. So rather than saying, was school fun today? Asking what was the most fun about school today? Right. So when you place a what in front or how or who, it will open up the dialogue. Right. It's not a yes-no question. It's not a yes-no. So we can have conversation. Right, right, right. I remember when I was going through a lot of coaching with you all, you used a lot of reflective listening. You know, and that's, I still visualize and use it daily. Meaning when we ask a question, you know, we ask a question so we would expect an answer. So it's not a yes-no like you're saying. It's an open question. But for myself, because I'm a talker at times. So I have to visualize when I lay down the question, I have to go and I visualize my hand being, my mouth being zipped up with my hand. I have to visualize that. Otherwise I'm like, oh, right. And so then it becomes a close question because I asked the open question and I answered it myself. I stood in here from you. Right. Yes. Yeah. And so how many times are we guilty of doing that? Right. Especially, you know, here in Hawaii, we just like, like I'm the one that when I'm speaking now or masking you a question, I'm thinking of the answer and the next question I'm going to ask you. Right. So that's not a good place to be. We have to be in the moment. I need to ask you and you need to share. So tell me about that, Grace. Yes. Yes. Yes. Right? Yes. Precisely. And so when we're listening, we're 100% with the person. Yes. We're not, if we have the answer to the question we're asking, we are leading the witness. I'll leave that law, let those law things to my sister-in-law. She's a lawyer. I'm not a lawyer. So I'm not, I don't have the answer. It's called a neutral question. So my dad taught me, I don't know, if you just go like this, you'll remember it. So neutral, that means the question is not leading. My dad taught me how to drive on a stick shift in a mortuary parking lot. I was like, dad, did you have a thought on the reason for that? So I always think about him teaching me there and that the greatest questions are neutral questions because we're not asking because we're judging the person. We're not asking because we have the answer. We're asking because we are curious. We're interested. We have a wonderment we'd like to know. Right. Right. Wow. So what makes a skill of communication a priority? Oh, yes. Communication is a priority because that's going to, that's going to be king. We've gone from global to hyper local, meaning people are going to want to have human contact. They're going to want to connect. I had Microsoft actually contact me and said, will you come and speak to youth about and students about presenting themselves in a professional manner because many of our youth are so accustomed to their devices. They've got their nose in their phone and they're not making a connection here. So communication is, and we all have an innate need to belong. We were born with that. So when we know how to communicate, what we're doing is we're creating an environment of connection. We're creating this bond with the person that we're speaking with. Right. And so much is lost when you're not live because even like me looking into your eyes, I can see, you know, like I can see your reaction. I can see your heart through your eyes and that's so important. So that's what's really lacking when the students or the kids, the youth are not doing that or not experiencing that. Then they become very, I don't want to say cold, but they become more and more shut off. And so that's hard. So they're brilliant to ask you to come in because as I was discussing with you earlier, you know, now that we're a little older, you know, at 60, it feels like, oh my gosh, all my relationships are so valuable. And I look back and I had some that I continued on, but what you want to share with those youth is that start younger, build those relationships and encourage them and what your skills teach them how to start building from now. So key. Yes. And to remember that practicing it, practice sparking a conversation with someone, practice listening to someone, practice asking questions about things that interest you. So that's a start. Yeah. So how do we move forward from here? Oh my goodness. Well, we move forward remembering that how can, who's life can I make a difference in? Yes. How can I add value to other people? Yes. Who could I serve today with a question? Yes. Because see, when you ask someone a question, what you're saying is you're noticed. Yes. I've noticed you. Yes. That you matter. Your opinion matters. Can you imagine the impact that we'll have on our future generations if they are not only seen, they are also heard. Right. And this also starts with us as adults. Yes, it does. I have seen so many adults that we're so distracted. We've got so many things going on that slow down to speed up. Right. No, Grace, the 30s minutes just went like that. But you know, we've got a lot of words of wisdom, got a lot of advice and a mentoring from you and coaching. But where can we connect with you, Grace? Sure. So you can connect with me through social media. Okay. Grace Howe on Facebook. Also on Instagram and via email and phone. So you can connect with me. Email is a great place to start. Wow. That's how we get in touch and we keep in touch. And I keep watching you and your family. And so just continue the great work. Auntie is so proud of you. I'm so proud of you ever since I met you and you've not disappointed myself or all the other aunties and uncles. So continue doing great mother duties that you do. Continue to inspire the people of the world. Put another cakey, everyone you meet up. Just keep doing what you're doing. We appreciate you, Grace. Mahalo. Mahalo. Mahalo everyone. Mahalo everyone.