 The mist across the window hides the light, and nothing hides the color of the lights that shine. Do you know this song? I'm just getting excited for our Friday live. Does anyone know this song that I was just playing? If you do, please post a comment below. I'll share it with everybody a little bit later. I'm just going to give a few seconds for people to join us, but we're going to talk about the five steps to get a man to open up. Would you like to know those five steps to get a man to open up? I hope you do. And really quickly before we get started, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. Please ask questions, post comments. And always if this content resonates with you and you're seeking some support, check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Check out my membership, Midlife Love Mastery, check out my podcast, the What Would Love Do podcast, and check out my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Do you know what self love is? It's not just getting manicures and pedicures. There's a lot more to self love than that. So we're just going to jump right into our topic. I want to say hi to everyone who's saying hi in the live chat, this is a Q&A, so just to remind you, please ask questions when we get to that point. So our topic is the five steps to get a man to open up to you. Now, one of the common frustrations I hear from women in the dating realm is that men are emotionally unavailable. That's a very common, I don't want to use the word complaint, but an experience women have with a lot of men. That men are walled up, that they're unable to express themselves. And it can be quite frustrating in relationship to be in relationship with someone who doesn't emote their feelings. And I mean, we could go into the psychological reasons why this happens, and for those who aren't familiar with the movie called The Mask We Live In, it explains in much greater detail how little boys have been conditioned throughout history to basically stuff their feelings, to not express themselves. Because they're told to be a man, don't show emotions, don't open up. So we have literally been conditioned that way, although this current generation of boys that are being born into the Gen Zs and even the peripheral millennials are now being given permission to express themselves way more than those of us who are in the Baby Boom generation or the Gen X generation. So I just want to say that it's not uncommon to, so it's just starting to shift men's ability to be able to, as boys, being taught to be able to express their emotions. So I just want to set the stage of why a lot of Baby Boomers and Gen Xers are reluctant to share their emotions. And this is why men need what women need as well. And that's to feel safe to express themselves. Both men and women alike need to feel safe to express their emotions. And so I'm going to show you five ways to create that level of safety with a man. And I want to say, though, and by the way, thank you for everyone that's saying hello, I want to say that everything I'm about to say applies to women, applies to both sexes, okay, both genders. Although the topic is driven towards men, what I want to say is everything I'm about to share applies to women as well. So I want you to pay close attention to see if it resonates with you as well. By the way, I want to thank everyone that's saying hello. All right, since I'm in my content portion, I'm like in my zone and I'm going to be focused on that. And for the record, I'm not wearing my glasses at the moment so I can't see what people are writing yet, but I will. By the way, I just ordered prescription glasses so I should be getting those in a few weeks. Anyway, the five steps to get a man to open up. Step number one, and by the way, this is in no particular order. Step number one is learn his love language. Learn his love language. If you're not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Talks about how we actually connect, how we actually express love in relationship and he identified five primary love languages. Number one, in no particular order. Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. I'll repeat that. Words of affirmation. I call it words of adoration. I'm a Leo so I love to be able to communicate with Leo so I love to be adored when I hear the word handsome. I mean, I'm sorry, my Leo main starts to perk up, but that's just me. So words of adoration or affirmation. Next is physical touch, quality time. Quality time is really being present with another human being. It's not quantity time. It's quality time, acts of service. That's actually doing something for your partner. It might be cooking dinner for your partner. It might be taking out the trash. Whatever it is, it's an act of service. And then finally, gifts. And gifts aren't necessarily buying expensive bracelets or doing anything fancy. Gifts can simply be leaving a note next to, I used to with my ex-girlfriend, I'd make her tea every morning and I'd always put a little love note and that was a little gift from me. So it was actually a combination of words and gifts and acts of service. I'm covering all my bases there. So first, learn his love language because when you learn his love language and quite frankly, remember I said this goes both ways, goes both ways, he must do the same as well. When he learns your love language, you're able to feel safer to communicate with one another because that's really oftentimes the challenge with opening up is just not feeling safe emotionally. So when we learn each other's love language, we're more apt to be open and feel safe with the other person. Number two is, and what did I write down? Oh, you know, this might seem very obvious and ridiculous, but I want to be candid with you ladies. I see so many relationships missing what I'm about to say next and that is becoming friends with one another, becoming friends with one another. I'm observing so many people who are getting companionship, connection and sex and what they lack is a real deep intimate friendship with one another. Now, part of the problem is, is we're in an environment right now where we're stuck at home all day long and it's difficult to do social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends to actually do things that develops friendships. See, here's the confusing part for a lot of you women. Many of you will talk incessantly on the phone. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And the guy is, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk too. Okay? It's talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Oftentimes it's to fill the void. It's to fill that, that, that I, you know, I have a hole inside of me. So they talk, talk, talk and filling the hole. But they're not actually developing a friendship with one another because it's, it's, it's, it's kind of one dimensional. This is why it's interesting in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. By the way, if you're interested in it, check out, check out the link below. In my group Midlife Love Mastery, one of the women was talking about, she had spent two months communicating with a man every single day for two hours a day, telephone, text messaging, so forth. And when they finally met, there was no mutual chemistry. And she felt this incredible let down. It was such an emotional drain to get so picked up only to have the bottom fall underneath from both of them. So this is why, and by the way, this is the other thing is, so that's just the setup. That's a potential setup for failure. And what I mean by failure, potential problem is you can get too invested in someone that you haven't met. This is why I'm a big proponent. It isn't real until it's real. And to become good friends, it requires doing things together. That's how people develop friendships. And again, it's a little bit more difficult during this time, and this is requiring being creative. And it doesn't mean just having Zoom calls. I'm talking about, it's like being there for one another. Hey, I need a ride to the airport. Hey, I need this. I mean, it's physically being there for one another. That's how you can begin to develop the roots to friendship. Okay, number three, what's his pain point? What's his pain point? This is very difficult and yet so critically important because all of us humans have pain point. For those who follow me know, I lost my 19-year-old son Connor to an accident to, well, now it's going on three years. Oh, shit. I didn't expect to get emotional thinking about the time. It's a pain point for me. It's a deep wound for me. And it's something I live with, if you will. I don't even like characterizing it as I live with, but it's a pain point. And I think it's important if we want to feel safe with another human being is we have to learn each other's pain points. This just happens to be my pain point. And by the way, I have other pain points as well, but what real deep pain someone has and stepping into empathy to their pain because when a person can step into the empathy of someone's pain, and by the way, I remember I said this is a two-lane street. This isn't one-sided. This isn't one-sided. We can step into someone's pain point. We feel safer to open up. And this might take some time. And this doesn't mean you poke and pick at the pain point. It's just through casual conversation you learn about another human being. In my private coaching practice, one of the things I teach women is how to, what I call, vetting men. And what you're vetting for is emotional maturity. And in that, I teach techniques of how to ask really great probing questions that is very conversational and not an interrogation. So yes, I'm not a big proponent of interrogation or interviews. And yet I'm hugely encouraging inquisitiveness because it's through being inquisitive we actually get to know another human being. Breathe that in. It is through curiosity that we can get to know another human being. Is that making sense? If it is, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear, you know, I'd like to know if this is resonating with you. Okay, number four. So this is hugely important to get a man to open up is to be able to connect with his friends. You know, when we, when someone connects with your friends and they actually, your friends like them and you like their friends and vice versa, you feel much more open to actually be more expressive to the person because you've got the buy-in from your friends. I know I have one client who says, look, I have my committee of friends that a man has to go through before I really commit to a man. But that's also because when he meets her friends and their friends feel safe with him and vice versa, that's where we can lean into that safer rootedness of trust. It's developing the roots of trust that allows a person to open up. And I'm not expecting this to happen on the first, second or third date. This is something that's built over time. I'm going to take a look at what the comments are coming in. Oh, thank you so much about my son. I really appreciate that losing a piece of yourself, being beyond measure. Thank you so much. Yes, those are, thank you so much for bringing that up. Again, going back to my pain is, I thank you for expressing empathy for the loss of my son. And I just want you to remember that we all have losses and pains in our lives. And then our friends are the ones that shore us up. So when you become friends with someone's friends, when you connect with someone's friends, you feel much safer to open up to them. And now I'm going to get to the fifth piece before I answer questions. So in a moment I'll be asking questions. And this fifth piece is so critically important. I want to breathe this in. Ladies, if you want to get to Amanda open up, then it's important that you lead by example. You lead by example. And that means being vulnerable, being authentic and being transparent. Let me repeat that. Being vulnerable, being authentic and being transparent. Men don't fear your feelings. If anything, it's the other way around. We fear your feelings, because there's an old saying, hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. We fear your feelings. But we fear expressing ourselves because of how you're going to react. So when you can begin to demonstrate a healthy way of expressing yourself to a man, it actually, if we like you, if we genuinely like you, we'll begin to mirror you. So this is also a technique called mirror and matching. So you mirror what you want to experience and see if it's being matched by the other person. And then they begin to do it to you. So leading by example, by being authentic, transparent and vulnerable, vulnerable, authentic and transparent, I said it out of my, I call it that, vulnerable, authentic and transparent, is how you can actually begin to get a man to open up. My dearest friend, my best friend on the planet, he was in a relationship with a woman who literally expressed herself regularly to him. And he's kind of guy, he was a little bit more of that closed off kind of person. And yet through her continually expressing herself in a healthy way, was he able to lean into his own ability to be emotionally available. And that's my invitation for you. Is this sinking in? Do you got the five things down? I'm going to repeat it and now I'm going to take questions. So get ready to ask a question in the chat because for the next 30, 40 minutes for her ever long questions come in, I'm here for you. But I want to repeat it. Learn his love language, five love languages. Number two, become friends with each other. Number three, learn his pain point. Number four, what did I write down? Oh, connect with his friends. So not only become his friends, connect with his friends. And number five, lead by example. Okay. I hope this is sinking in. All right. It's time to answer your questions. So let's listen to a little music. Ask questions. Does anyone know this song? Oh, the darkness. This is my favorite musician. Does anyone know my favorite musician? All right. Let's see what we have in the form of questions. I am love. Thank you. Yes. You make so much sense. Thank you all so much. Hi from Singapore. Care by Susie. Losing a piece of yourself. The pain is beyond measure. Yes. It can open your eyes to your life too. All right. Hi, Sunny girl. So again, please ask questions. Otherwise this is going to be a very short chat. Post a question. This is how we get the dialogue going. I can't make this. Oh, here we go. Jonathan, I agree with friendship part. As for me, I've always wanted to find my intellectual partner and we share the same world view, interest, et cetera. So I wouldn't write off talking. I don't get that. I wouldn't so interest. So I wouldn't write off talking. Let me just be clear about that. So what I meant was incest. Okay. So what she's talking about, what I talked about earlier is the incessant communication through the virtual world. Incessant, a lot, a lot, a lot of communication without face to face time. Again, it might feel temporarily good, but if you want a relationship with this person, you have to be face to face. And ultimately, if you want an ongoing partnership with another person, it's going to have to be regular physical contact with one another. And so a lot of times, you know, where men tend to fall in love through activities, through activities, we don't fall in love by talking on the phone all day long. I get to know another person that way, but that's not how we fall in love. Human beings eventually, women can get attached to someone over the phone incredibly quickly. This is why I'm very, I stress being very cautious spending too much time on the phone because you can get attached to another human being, but it may not be a real, it may not be real. It's not real until it's real. So I just want to caution too much talking virtually and more face to face connection. That's where I was going with that. All right, next one. If a man doesn't spend much time with you, does that mean he's not interested in you? Great question. I don't know how to pronounce your name. So I guess the question is how much time do you want to spend? I believe that if two people live in the same area code, telephone number area code, if you live in the same area code, then to develop a, so dating is a process of vetting to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone. And in my world, a relationship is a vetting process to say, to want to find out if you want to be in partnership with another human being. So you got that. So I believe that the optimal time, once you've gotten past the sex piece, so once you've established you want to be in a relationship, say at a minimum twice a week doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, and then progressing that up to at least a minimum of three times a week to really start to establish the roots for the potential for long-term commitment. Any person I know who's in a healthy, happy marriage basically spent on average two to four days and or nights a week with the person once they began an intimate relationship. So if someone only wants to see you once every other week or once a week, how strong of a relationship can you build? Now some people could say because of time and because of distance and other things that may not be possible. But here's the thing. If you're going to have regular sex together, then I would like to encourage you to discuss what is the plan for eventual partnership. Let's not stop, ladies, stop giving the job to men. Men are effing clueless. Men, you know, because we'll be half, if you give us companionship connection and sucks, we don't have to give you commitment. There's literally, once we get those, the only commitment that needs to be given is monogamy and exclusivity, but there's no commitment after that. That's one of the weak foundations in relationship today is a dedication to the exploration of developing a partnership with one another, and I'm here to encourage a greater sense of understanding around this. This is why I recommend this book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This teaches the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And I'm not saying you have to follow this as a Bible. Just read it and take it in for yourself. Allow your own imagination to come in. But if you want a roadmap, this is a great starting point. Now for those people that don't live near each other, you might want to check out the book Living Together Apart. This is a roadmap for those who don't live near each other on how to develop a relationship when you don't live near each other. But for two people who live near each other, you should be able to see each other quite frequently on a regular basis, and that's my response to that question. Yes, you got it right. Joe Jackson was the stepping out. That's what it was. Yep, you got it right. All right, let's see what else. Okay, Evelyn says, I think your suggestions are great. Yet during this pandemic, meeting his friends or vice versa is next to impossible. Again, I agree with the pandemic. This is extremely challenging. It's not an absolute, but it does help. I'm just giving you some steps to understand from a longer term perspective for them from a short term perspective. IamLove says, what are your feelings about Dr. Laura Schlesinger's book, the proper feeding and care of husbands, and then, et cetera. IamLove, it's interesting you mentioned Dr. Laura. I remember reading that book about 15 years ago, right after my divorce, and I used to listen to her radio show, and I loved it. She was smacked down in your face, saying it like it is, much like I do. I think that's one of the reasons why I respected her so much. What I respect most of all, is that much of what she was saying was centered around personal empowerment. Personal empowerment. Ladies, I see too many of you giving your power away to men. You literally give your entire, your whole happiness is based on whether or not he likes you. And I'm here to say that's the wrong way to approach relationships. This is why you must, by the way, here's another book. Okay, so there's my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway. What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, check out the link below. And if you've ordered my book, check out this book. Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended Upon It. This is 60 pages. It'll take 15 minutes to read. It is a great insight into learning to loving yourself because the reality is this, everybody is, listen, this might sound like a judgment. I know I'm even yelling a little bit. And the reason why I'm yelling, by the way, for those that ask, sometimes criticize my yelling, I want you to understand something, ladies. If a child was putting their hand in fire, would you say, no, please don't put your hand in fire because you might burn your arm off. You'd say, stop! Okay, I'm sorry for yelling. And I apologize if anyone gets triggered, but that's what my enthusiasm is, is to shake things up. And so I want you to begin to break the habit of this conditioning that we need someone else to love us for us to feel love. Because when we've adopted a daily practice of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work, can we actually begin to heal? You know what's so fascinating to me, ladies? And I'm criticizing women here. Let me backtrack. I'm focusing on women here, but this is equal for men. I don't know how long the average woman would spend putting on makeup on any given day, but if we add the amount of time you brush your teeth, take a shower, put on makeup, and get dressed, people are living, working at home, so they don't even need to do all that. But if you add up all that personal hygiene, and let's just, I'm gonna give it a simple number. Let's say it's 30 minutes a day. I'm being generous when I say 30 minutes. I think it could be longer. The average human spends about this much time on emotional hygiene. Let me repeat that. The average human spends about this much time on emotional hygiene. We spend more time brushing our teeth than working on ourselves. This is why I'm continually recommending books, and you know what's fascinating? Some women wrote on one of the comments, I don't have time to read the books. I don't have time to read the books. Ladies, people who write books, they're going out of their way to share their wisdom, and I'm not here to suggest that their wisdom is an absolute, but what I wanna say is for 15 bucks, for $11.99, you can get some semblance of wisdom and then make choices up for yourself, and if you're not willing to invest 15 minutes a day reading a book, in fact, now I've got audio books at 12 minutes a day, then you have no business complaining about man or life, because anyone who complains who puts no effort into their emotional hygiene, you know what, shame on them. I'm sorry, I'm being very judgmental and blunt, but that's just my point, perspective. Okay, Evelyn, I think your suggestions are great, yet during, okay, I got that, look. What are your feelings about, okay, I got that. He's busy with work, okay, so this is Sheila, goes back to the one man. He's busy with work, he answers my texts, but I'm only initiating now. Should I begin ignoring him? Okay, I'm not a big guy, okay. Ignoring someone all that does is trigger their childhood wound and trauma. What I would encourage Sheila, I believe it's Sheila, is to have an open conversation with them. Go look, are we exploring a relationship or not? If we're exploring a relationship, I'd like to spend three or four days and nights a week doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, teamwork, building and traveling together and eventually leading to some sort of partnership. That's what I'm on track for. What are you on track for and are you willing to be dedicated to the exploration of a relationship? Are you dedicated to the exploration of a relationship with me? Stop this whole, well, he doesn't text me and I don't text him back and if I don't text him back, I can lean back. I can be in my feminine energy and lean back and he'll just naturally gravitate for me. Ladies, this is childish behavior. If you want someone to lean in, read the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It should have been titled Compassionate Communication. Start learning to express yourself because if you're not expressing your needs, wants and desires, because you're waiting for the guy, you're giving the job to the wrong person. Is this sinking in? Please let me know if this is sinking in. Post a comment. Okay. Sunny girl writes, I've seen a lot of men in their 40s and 50s ogling young girls 12 and 16. What's going on? Are these men successful dads and married? You know, let me ask you this, Sunny. Why do you care? Why do you care that some man or many men are ogling 12 and 16 year old girls? Why do you care? By the way, I don't do that. None of my male friends do that. I know the vast majority of men don't do that. So why focus on what they're doing? Tell me what you're doing, Sunny. Write that down and let's talk about that. Yes, it's very disturbing. That's so helpful. Love, Joe Jackson. No leaning back. Yes, it's sinking in. Okay. Here's Saratona writes, Oh, father feels guilty that he hasn't been good enough for his son and can never regain lost time. So if his son gives him time, he drops everything through his son. As though his son has forgiven him. How can love, how can a relationship grow? Okay. I'm pausing on this one because as a parent who lost a child, I have a tremendous amount of guilt for not spending more time with my children. I'm going to cry now. After the divorce. And I was very, I was very wounded, not from the divorce itself, but very deeply wounded and troubled for almost a decade in my life. And I have a great amount of, of sadness over not spending time with my children. And so many men, as well as women, oftentimes because of that guilt, put overemphasize, might overemphasize with a child. And that's not uncommon. And, and it's, and we have to recognize that when we're dating someone who has young children, that is part of the package. And so again, going back to ladies, I always say, if the penis gets to go inside the vagina, you have every right to talk about what you want to talk about in the relationship. So begin having real conversations together. Gosh, I can't believe how many of you are afraid to speak up because you're afraid he's going to leave. And that's what if you speak your truth and he leaves, he's not your guy. So have a real heart centered conversation because if it's sincere and from the heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. And so, I empathize with the man who wants to spend time with his children. And what I encourage you to do is speak up and have a dialogue. It might not be that you're the right person for each other. But you can have conversations. Stop talking on the phone about the weather and start talking about real, begin to develop real intimacy with another human being. That's my invitation for you. Yes, it's sinking in. Thank you. Okay, Judy writes, my number one interest is long distance but grew up in my town. Scary to hear of the example of a lady who had no chemistry in person. He's hoping to visit, say this, Judy. I've talked to lots of women on the phone that never happened the first day. Never got to a first date. Spent lots of time talking on the phone. And I've allowed myself to get excited and attached. And as my good friend, Max says to me over and over and over again, he says, Jonathan, it's not real until it's real. Again, virtual relationships are not real. It might feel real. In fact, interesting enough, my son got me a VR a VR headset, Oculus. And I did a roller coaster ride. And in this roller coaster ride, I literally, I mean, I'm sitting on a chair in my living room. I've got the headset on the roller coaster ride and I almost threw up. It felt so real. But I wasn't on a roller coaster. I was just sitting in my chair. And it just turns with too much talking and not face to face time. It's not real until it's real. It might feel real, but it's not real. And that's my invitation for you to explore that. Thumbs up from the Philippines. Um, my husband decided to pull away saying he needed a break. We agreed for a three month break. We passed that time. And he's not saying anything. How should I approach the situation? You know, that's a that's a really tough one, because when. Marriage is, okay, let me just say this. Most relationships lack this. Most relationships lack this. And that is what's known as a common cause. A common cause. In fact, I wanna read something to you. Bear with me. I'm gonna read the definition of commitment. The definition of commitment is a state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity. The second definition of commitment, an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom. Isn't that fascinating? An engagement or obligation that restricts freedom and dedicated to a cause. If you're in a marriage that you don't have identified what's your common cause, what's your common cause, and you're enthusiastic about together, you're lacking one of the most fundamental pieces of a relationship. Now, most people's common cause in their 20s and 30s is procreating children and raising children. That's their common cause. And their whole relationship is centered around family. As we age, one of the things that happen with a lot of couples who their children become empty nesters, the relationship tends to fold because they haven't found that common cause that they like being, it's not just about liking the person, it's actually having an activity or cause that you're passionate about. Because then commitment can feel like an obligation, restricting freedom, hence why the person needed a break. So my invitation for you, please have a conversation. The worst thing to do is not talk. The best thing to do is talk to one another. And if someone's unwilling to talk, choose, what does that title say? Love yourself like your life depends upon it. Love yourself like your life depends upon it. What's my T-shirt say? The self love club. What's the book I recommend? Self, what the heck is self love? Focus on yourself. And if he wants part of the ride, then great. And if he doesn't, you're happy because you focus on yourself. All right, next question. Hi, Jonathan. Seeing a man has been separated, I've been, hi Jonathan. Seeing a man has been separated for three years. He wants to explore a relationship, including but not sexual yet, your thoughts. Listen, I remember when I was first dating after my divorce or I got separated and I was online dating and a woman reached out to me or I reached out to a woman and she said, how long you've been divorced? And I said, well, I'm not actually divorced. I've been separated for five months. And she wrote the following. She said, reach out to me in 18 to 24 months after you've had one or two transition relationships. I'm gonna repeat that. She said, reach out to me in 18 or 24 months after you've had one or two transition relationships. Here's the thing. Now, separated for three years, that's a long time but ultimately until that divorce is final, it's very contentious to have that person because you don't know what's going to happen. And I'm here to say, again, it goes back to my point I made earlier, have real conversations with each other, stop being so benign and stop leaving it to someone else to make up these choices for you. You are in charge of your relationship, destiny, not the guys. And so I wanna encourage you to speak up. I beat the drum, I beat the drum, because it's important to speak up. And that's my, just speak up what's your truth, just do it in a kind way and then find out where he's at. But let me just tell you, I will not date a woman who's separated. No, I want someone who's free of that legal component. That's just me, I would say. Does anyone agree with me? Does anyone agree, only date people who are divorced? That's my opinion anyway. You choose what you want to do. Sometimes you express, sometimes you express and they shut down. Yes, sometimes you do express they shut down. This is why you have to build that layer of trust. But ultimately, if someone continually shuts down, do you wanna be in relationship with them? Susie, thank you for the roller coaster analogy. I actually just made that up on the fly. So I appreciate that. Can you advise, okay, Rita writes, can you advise, can you advise work for people in their 70s? Can you, oh, can your, I'm assuming you may, can your advice work for people in their 70s? Look, 70s is the new 50. All right, let's just say it's the new 60. So I work with women, 40s, 50s and 60s and now 70s. So yes, it can work. But ultimately, here's the thing about people in their 60s and 70s. They're so rooted in who they are. What's most important is accepting another human being for who they are and you, and they accept you for who you are. Because the reality is, there's not much is going to change. So as I burp, choose people who are aligned to who you are and what you want that are aligned. You're a two lane street. Because if you're choosing a person going this direction, you're going this direction ain't gonna work out. It's the people that are aligned to who you are and what you want that's gonna work. Okay, Joy writes, my ex-girlfriends were young when they were together. I believe now I was there for them. I'm honoring G mom. They keep in touch so I did something right even though my ex-husband, I don't get that one. Okay, Scarlett, or someone writes, the son is 21 years old, father feels guilty. Was single parent full custody obsessed with son? I've spoke up with kindness. Son wants dad to date and develop his own life. Father wants to be with me. So, you know, it's interesting. I've noticed this with women, especially if they have sons. They're literally so devoted to their son that their son can be their primary relationship. Their son is their primary relationship. I mean, not quite romantic, but really close to it. So what I'm hearing is almost something similar. He's so hyper focused on his son, whether it's guilt or whatnot, that he's not able to lean into a partnership with you. Is that what you want? I know you like this man. I know you care for him. You gotta talk to him because if he's in Cape, here's the thing, ladies, set your standard of what you want. If your standard is here, and this is his standard in relationship, do you know that space in between what that's called? We call that drama. And what I mean by drama is you're wanting more than what he can give. Either he meets you at your standard, or you drop to his standard, or you choose someone else. It's that simple, three things. He meets you at your standard, you drop to his standard, or you move on. That's it. I don't know how much more precise I can be with that bit of advice. Here's your standard. And if you don't know your standard, then reach out to me. This is my area of expertise. Schedule a discovery call with me. That's my area of expertise, helping you establish your standard. And ladies, I say this with a lot of compassion. You all act like you know what you want. And I say you act like it because you think of relationships in the clouds. My God, I hope my armpits aren't. You're in the clouds. It's the Disney fantasy realm. We have to get you to the ground level to establish your standards. And many of you just don't know what they are. Some of you think you do. And I know this because through my coaching program, you go through, I have women go through my program and they all say the same. But first they describe their ideal relationship. Then they go through my proprietary program. And then they rewrite their ideal relationship. And do you know what happens every single time? Women say to me, Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't I learn this from my parents? Why didn't I learn this 10 years ago? If you're so good at this, you would know the answer. And I can tell you, and I say this with a lot of compassion, with 20,000 hours of coaching, 99.9% of women really don't know what they want. They just think it in the clouds and not at the ground level. Self-love club, yes. Okay, thank you, Jonathan, for answering my question. You're welcome. Yes, so important. Okay, my ex-girlfriends keep in touch, now have their own families, they stay in touch, but I believe that they're, I believe I was there for them, not the relationship, not, he's not my wife, but I still don't understand that, but thank you. Jonathan, you have become my Fridays. Oh, thank you so much. Oh, I should put alcohol in here now. We're having happy hour for those on the East Coast. It's two o'clock here on the West Coast time. I'm starting early, early happy hour. By the way, my mug says, I make the world go around. What do you do? It's a, that's all mug. Love this, Jonathan, raise standards. Lower my standards or move on. That's it exactly. Okay, can you recommend resources like this or a coach who I can direct my teenage daughter to? Like you just said, no one teaches this. I see some patterns of concern. So I've got a book. Where is that book? I want you, who asked that, Beth? I want you to buy the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process, Beth. This is an, this was a eight day retreat I went on to heal childhood wounds and traumas. I highly recommend you reading this book and then fill out the questionnaire in here because this will help be a guide to help and then have your daughter and you do it. Maybe you and your daughter do it together. Do this book together. It's gonna be intense. This is effing intense. But if you want real healing, you start at the ground level where the pain lies. Don't focus on attention. Listen, ladies, I gotta yell now. I'm a coach for you to help you understand men because that's what hooks you. Because you don't, because if I just did, if I did videos about self-love, you wouldn't watch them. I do videos about men, you'll watch them. But here's the thing. It's not about the men. It's about falling in love with yourself. Love yourself like your life depends upon it. And how do you do that? You gotta, this is like another great book by Joe Dispenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. These are all, when you build a healthy foundation of self-love, you can then step into relationship. Your 16 year old daughter needs to be, teenage daughter needs, I wanna encourage you to invest in her shoring up her self-love and then she'll be ready for relationship and definitely read the Hoffman process. Okay, Anne writes, Jonathan, I've been dating for a year. When are we together? I feel his presence and attention, but when we're not together, he doesn't reach out to me with messages or call. And this can go for days. Yes, Anna, great question. Everybody, listen to me. This is really critically important. When men are apart from you, we're not thinking about you incessantly. We're not going, I need to talk to her. I need to talk to her. I need to talk to her. I need to talk to her. I need to talk to her. We're just not doing that. Women are like, I need to hear from you. I need to hear from you. I need to hear from you. I need to hear from you. I need to hear from you. Okay? And if he doesn't hear from me, does he still like me? Does he still like me? Does he still like me? Does he still like me? I'm being theatrical. I know when I'm in the presence of my partner, I'm in my presence of my partner. When I'm home, I'm doing my own stuff. This is why going back to this book, Living Together Apart, maybe you should check out this book because what we have to learn as humans is we've got to let go of this incessant need for because of this stupid little device, we have this expectation of constant communication, and by the way, I'm exaggerating here. I know that wasn't your point, Anna, but what I want to say is this, it's very natural. When a person's on their own, we need our space, we need our alone, every human being needs alone time. And so if he doesn't reach out, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. It just means he's focused on his life and you focus on your life. Now, what I would venture to say is the two of you aren't really co-creating a relationship together that leads to partnership, co-creation leading to partnership, co-creation leading to partnership, co-creation leading to partnership. Two lane street, two lane street, because ladies, you have been so conditioned that the man must claim you and he must be chivalrous and the men are the leaders of the relationship because if you take on any of the role, that's gonna shrivel his penis because it's gonna be intimidating to him. This makes me wanna throw up the garbage and rhetoric you're listening to. Ladies, most human beings are very clueless when it comes to emotional maturity. This is why read these books and then lead by example. If you want, here's the thing. If you're able to communicate your needs, wants and desires and not the, I need to hear from you every day one, because that comes from need and not from a, that might come from a need missing within yourself, is Bill, think, write this word, someone write down the words, co-creating a relationship, co-creation, it's the driving at a two lane street and so many of you are missing that. You know, there's a book. I definitely want you to, I recommend a lot of books. If the Buddha dated, if you really wanna get into a more intimate relationship with someone, then read how the Buddha dated because this is, this will mean, you know what, if he's off doing his own thing, you're gonna be just fine. And what I mean to say is when you're apart, you're fine and when you're together, even better. I hope I answered that question. Thanks, I've clearly communicated my standards after watching you for a long time. You agreed, thank you, thank you so much. Fatima, I got Joe to spend this book, great. Joe to spends is great, yes, yes, yes, I need to get the Hoffman process. I was concerned because I have two daughters and I see this quite a lot. Sunny, again, I understand you have daughters, start doing the work, do this work together with your daughters and watch your relationship with them, take off. How long do you go without talking? Mine will go four or five days. Well, how often do you have sex, Carrie? Answer me that, how often are the two of you having sex? I'm gonna wait, post it, you hearing me right now, how often are you two having sex? Let's put it to you this way, you should talk on the phone for as often as you have sex together, how about that? Okay, that's my new motto. You should be talking on the phone for as frequently as you having sex together. So if you have sex together five times a week, you should talk on the phone, okay, you're not having sex. Well, then are you in a relationship? Are you in a romantic relationship, Carrie? By the way, yes, the Hoffman now has online sessions. Carrie, are you in a romantic relationship with a man? Because if you're not in a romantic relationship and you're not being intimate, well, yes you are. Well, then how often do you physically see each other, Carrie? Let me ask you this, Carrie, how far apart do you two live? How far apart do you two live? I'm being patient, everyone, this is gonna be interesting. We've got this interesting thing going on. 15 minutes, oh my God, so 15 minutes away, so you should be literally seeing each other two to three times a week, so you don't have to worry about going four or five days of not communicating. So here's the thing, I believe in relationship spending two to three times a week doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, and if you see each other every other day, and if you don't talk every other day, it's great. That's my recommendation, take it for what it's worth. Shell, sale rights or sale rights, what's the youngest age do you think I can introduce the book The Hoffman Process to my daughter? Oh, I'm sorry, sale, seven years old, way too young. You have to be a teenage, you have to literally be, I would say, a good 18 years old. It's better to start this as an adult. It's really deep, intense stuff. It's really deep, intense stuff. So maybe not the best choice for a teenage, better for adult children. Carrie writes, we have seen each other a lot until about three months, a whole week goes by and then nothing. Well, then speak your truth, what do you want? Ladies, what's your standard? If this is your standard of what a relationship looks like and this is his standard, A, he meets you at your standard, you meet him at his standard or you go the other direction. It's that simple, it's not binary, there's three options. That's it. Okay, Jonathan, why not just lay the cards on the table? This is what I want, I need in a relationship, why not? Yes, Donna, exactly, lay your cards on the table, that's what standards are, it's laying your cards. Ladies, my cards, I'm gonna give you my cards. You just, I tell this to any woman who wants to date me. I'd like to spend three or four days and nights to week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, teamwork building, traveling together and eventually leading to moving in together and or getting married, that's my standard. That's what I see, that includes doing personal development workshops together. That means include doing spiritual workshops together. That means spending time with her family, that means spending time with my family. That's my standard, if a woman is here and I'm here or it's a mismatch, because I'm not going down to her level, I'm seeking a woman who meets me at my level. Learn your standards, stop giving your power away. Yes, Donna, so you work, I like what you had to share. Any, we're coming to the end, so any more questions? Oh, I'm loving this, thank you all so much. This is so much fun. If he can't meet you where you're at, next. Yes, where's that Ariana Grande song? Thank you next. Thank you next, I love that song, so. More questions. Thank you. Can you hear the music? Questions, post a question. Joe Jackson, come on, post a question. My favorite too. All right, come on, post some questions. Kerry, I hope I wasn't too hard on you. I really apologize. I just wanted to shake things up. Okay, how do you get out of the friend zone? We were so, we were close when younger and he's not on social media and we talk and text. Any ideas? Have sex with him, that's how you get out of the friend zone. Simple as that, you want to get out of the friend zone? I start a section, have a relationship where you're sexual with one another. And if he doesn't want a sexual relationship with you, then it ain't going anywhere. Thank you for such solid advice. I'm going to look into the Hoffman process. Yay to you, Evelyn. Yoga preacher, hey, how long should you let a man lean back before you reach out to him? Leaning back. Okay, nobody leans back unless it's intentional. So if someone's taking space, here's the thing, ladies, I know I take space emotionally from a relationship and when a woman reaches out to me, I'm appreciative of it. Now, if it feels like emotional weight, W-E-I-G-H-T weight, then it's going to be hard. If I like a person, I appreciate when a woman reaches out to me, ladies, we've got to stop this whole game of you lean back to get him to come to you and he then chases you because that's only temporary. This whole leaning back and ignoring each other is called game playing. It doesn't work. How do you make a healthy, happy relationship happen? You lean into co-creating a relationship that leads to partnership. You co-create a relationship that leads to partnership. Set your standard. If he doesn't meet your standard, either drop to his standard or move on. Either comes to your standard, you drop to his standard or you move on. That's it. Is there an audio version of self-love? We're right in the process of creating the audio version. How do you feel about remaining friends with exes? So I'm going to share my personal story about my former relationship, a beautiful, fantastic woman. We were six years together and it didn't go the distance. And yet we did a conscious uncoupling, conscious uncoupling. In fact, everyone hold on one second. Because we did a conscious uncoupling, here's a copy of Catherine Woodward Thomas' book, conscious uncoupling. Now, my ex-girlfriend and I are in this book. I think it's page 120. Oh, shoot, now I can't remember. Maybe it's page 220. My point in sharing this, conscious uncoupling. My ex-girlfriend and I did a conscious uncoupling. What that meant was we agreed that we weren't partnership material. And yet there was a lot of love. So we wanted to stay in each other's lives. So we're not friends. We treat each other like family, like family, because we have a significant amount of time together. My ex-girlfriend, even though we ended our relationship, she was there for me when my mother passed away. She would enter the hospital and met with my mom because we'd spent a lot of time together. She was so there for me when Connor passed away. She was there for me when I needed help with Colin. Why would I wanna let a fantastic relationship go? So we don't consider ourselves friends. We consider ourselves family. The trick about being friends with someone is A, if someone still has feelings for the other one, that can be problematic. You might need some time apart. B, you have to ask yourself, what kind of friends are you gonna be? Are you gonna be friends that you talk about your personal feelings together all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time? Or is it, hey, I send you a Christmas card or I send you a birthday card kind of friends. My invitation, re-conscious uncoupling to learn how to end a relationship healthily, what's the word, healthily? Well, you know what I'm talking about. And then find your way to being in each other's lives as family, that's my invitation. All right, we're gonna wrap up in a few moments. What do you think, what do you think if you come on too strong with him in the beginning and want him to show interest now? Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing, you've invested this much and he's here, it's a misalignment. If you invest this much, he should match your investment. It should be, investing should be like this. But it's not like this, if you've invested a lot and he's over here, then it's a mismatch. Don't invest that much, invest, I like what Matthew Hussie says, invest and test, invest and test, invest and test. When a guy says his best friend with a woman that he once lived with for three years, is that a red flag? Well, here's the thing, when you've loved someone and you realize that you may not want to be in partnership with one another, does that mean you have to cut them out of your life for the rest of your life? I mean, here's the thing, what I would wanna learn is how frequently do they speak to each other, how frequently do they see each other, because and how committed is he to wanting to get to know you because it's okay to have people in our past, in our lives, so long as neither one wants to be together. And sometimes you have to sever the relationship for a while before you can get back into a friendship. So anyway, Gita, what do I think about international long distance relationships? I'm gonna make this really simple, it isn't a real relationship until you meet and it isn't a real relationship until you've invested a hundred hours of face to face time and with distance, it isn't a real relationship until you have a plan on how to be together on a regular basis and that's what I think of that. Listen, I typically try to do this right at the hour mark. So I've had a blast sharing all this with you. I wanna thank everyone so much for being on this Q&A live, the five steps, I'm gonna turn that off, the five steps, whoops, the five steps to get a man to open up. I hope you found value and I just wanna read those five steps one more time. Learn his love language, become good friends, what's his pain point, connect with his friends and lastly, leading by example. I hope you found value in this. If you have, please post a comment below, check out the links to a discovery call, check out my book, check out my membership, Midlife Love Mastery, check out my podcast of what would love do. From the bottom of my heart, I wanna thank you so much for allowing me to spend the last hour with you and I wanna, I'll see you next week on YouTube Live. Leave the TV and the radio behind, we'll find. Stepping out tonight. Bye now, thanks so much.