 Have you ever dated a man for a few weeks or even a month, get physically intimate with him, only to find out that he tells you he's not ready for a serious relationship? Well, if this has happened to you, I want you to stay tuned because we're gonna talk about two critically important questions to ask a man in the very early stages of dating. And I mean, maybe even before you meet him in person. Okay, so many of you know I tend to ramble on for about 10 minutes before I actually get to the meat and potatoes. And I've decided to give you the meat and potatoes right here in the first minute. Okay, the two most critical questions you should ask a man. Quite frankly, even before you begin dating him is simply these two questions. A, do you want to get married or for those that are divorced, do you wanna get married again? And B, or two, do you love the institution of marriage? You love the institution of marriage. Now, I know this is, many of you are gonna bark at this, many are gonna criticize this and many are gonna say, well, men aren't going to be truthful here. Well, the reality is, okay, let me rewind for a second. Yesterday I interviewed Rabbi Manis Friedman, which I'll be posting that video shortly. And we talked about the Institute of Marriage. In particular, basically any relationship that isn't marriage is a casual relationship. That's right, every relationship is a casual relationship. In other words, the idea of marriage is all, is about going all in. I want you to think about this, going all in. And when you're dating and you get physically intimate with a man before you know his true intentions, you are rolling the dice. And what I mean by rolling the dice is certainly we can agree that you might date someone who may not be right for you. And that's certainly, that's what the dating process is. Okay, and you might also be curious, if the sex is worth exploring with this relationship, because I know many of you have found yourself in circumstances where you waited a little while, you did have sex only to be not a pleasurable experience with a guy, so I get that. For those of us in midlife, that is one of the risks we take. But the bigger risk we take is investing our heart, investing our time, investing our energy, investing our physical being with somebody who's not on the same page as you. So one of the things I ask all my clients to do these days is simply ask them this question. Do you want to get married? This is one of the first questions I'm asking clients. Do you want to get married? Is that on your agenda? Because to mean marriage means all in. Now I know for many in midlife, living together can be the close equivalent to that. So I'm not going to discount that as well, but at the end of the day, we're talking about all in. Okay, and the second question, that follow-up question is, do you love the institution of marriage? I want you to think about this, do you love the idea of marriage? Do you love the institution? Now many guys, this is what you're going to experience. Well, if I meet the right person, I'd get married. Okay. Well, that's all predicated on the right person. And by the way, that's a but. I might, but I might not. In other words, there's no definitiveness. And the follow-up question, do you love the idea or the institution of marriage? You know, so, okay, I know some of you are probably saying, well, I don't want to get remarried again. And I get that, I get you may not, but I want you to think about it. At least marriage is at least an agreement or at least it's hopefully an agreement that you're all in it, that you want long-term. See, dating today is a long protracted version of friends with benefits for the most part, okay? Most people, many of you, okay. I think something like 120 million people in the United States are single, okay? Now that includes people that are in relationship, but they're not married, okay? Let's just say for argument's sake, 60 million of people, well, let's not go that far. Let's go 40 million are in a relationship. Let's just go with that for a moment. Of those 40 million, I would say half of those people are in what's known as situationships. In other words, they've been dating for a little while, they're having sex together, but there's no definition to the relationship. And then for another percentage of people in that 40 million, they are in casual relationships, means that they have agreed to monogamy, they have agreed to exclusivity, but there's no real path to something longer and more profound, okay? Well, that probably, so that represents the majority of relationships today who are not single. Now, yes, there is a percentage of people that are living together, but do you wanna know something? It's a very small, I never do that in front of a guy. It's a small percentage, not a big percentage. It's a small percentage, and don't forget, never do that in front of a guy, okay? That I learned from a Cheers episode, okay? It's always a small percentage, okay? So it's such a small percentage that actually dive in to some deeper commitment. So why is it important to ask these questions because you're trying to get a sense of, does he want significant commitment? Does he want significant commitment? So here's the good news. You have nothing to lose by asking these two questions before you ever meet someone, but Jonathan, that's gonna sound like an interview. That's going to scare a guy away. Wouldn't scare me? Wouldn't scare my circle of friends, all of my male friends who have met their partners on dating apps, and if so many of them are married or about to get married, didn't, wouldn't scare any of those guys. See, it doesn't scare the guy who's serious. It only scares the guy who doesn't want significant commitment. And if he's waiting for some sign, the sign from God, it's never gonna happen. And yet many of you are hooked on the fantasy that if I just show him how wonderful I am, he'll love me. Folks, you cannot show a person your worth. And sadly, a lot of men can't even see your worth because they're deeply wounded. They're deeply wounded. They're struggling. They had traumatic childhoods. They had traumatic relationships in their lives. They're suffering on the inside in some way, shape, or form. See, the reason why we have such a single population is we have a wounded population. And this wounded population is thirsty for attention, affection, you know, we're thirsty for companionship, connection, and sex without the capacity to commit. So I'm gonna be screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm gonna encourage every one of you to begin the process. If any of you have a first date coming up in the next week or two, before you meet the man, I want you to ask these two questions. Do you wanna get married or remarried again? That's number one question. And do you love the institution of marriage and listen to how they respond? Most guys are gonna say, oh, I hate the idea of marriage. They take your money, they do this and that. So that tells you that they possibly won't go the distance with you. And you've gotta let go of the fantasy hope many of you are hooked on that you can be the one who changes his mind. You don't have that capacity. I said earlier, the men who don't wanna get married, they're the ones who are deeply wounded. It's not just men, it's women alike. There are women who don't wanna get remarried either. I understand why they have, maybe possibly a horrific experience and they don't wanna go through that again. But then what's the point of dating? What the fuck is the point of dating? Is it just to use people until the next person comes around? Is that the point of dating? Is the point of dating shoe shopping? You just try them on for size. Is that what the point of dating is? What's the point? Are we in it for something beyond the surface? Because listen, at midlife, you don't need to make babies. You don't need to, you've already passed that part of your life. So it's not about creating children to support you as you age. What's the point? What's the point? Someone tell me, what the fuck is the point if you aren't gonna go all in? Because it's gonna be temporary. We are swimming in the sea of casual relationships, of transactional relationships, of conditional relationships. And it's no wonder it's a dysfunctional dating marketplace out there. By the way, if you have something to say to me right now, I just, if you wanna join the hot seat right now and get on, there's a link I just posted in the chat box. You can click that, get yourself on camera, make sure you turn off the video so you don't have to, we don't hear the back, the reverb and talk to me about this. Because I'm here to now sing a new tune. I'm here to encourage everyone to settle for nothing less than marriage. Do not settle for anything less than marriage. A commitment and agreement, a person who wants to be part of that institution. I know this shifts from my previous conversations and I'll explain why in the next couple of days why I'm shifting my perspective, especially after this interview I had with Rabbi Friedman. By the way, he's got a popular YouTube channel. He provides ancient wisdom. So, and I appreciate it because I do believe that this is the downfall of our dynamics of middle, particularly from when I say downfall, the emotional downfall of those of us in midlife. We are suffering because dating triggers the number one emotional health issue. Dating triggers the number one emotional health issue that's faced by most of us is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And so, if we don't choose good partners, we are setting ourselves up for that trigger and I'm here to say start from the very beginning, start from the very beginning by asking better questions. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Now, if you'd like to join the hot seat, I just posted the link again. I'd love to have someone jump on and chat with me about this because I'd like to get your take on this. Leah just posted a question. You mentioned Marie doesn't wanna get married. Is that still true? Folks, Marie's out of town for the next few weeks. When she comes back, I am going to have her address that question. I'd like her to answer that for everyone. So, and I do know her response to that but I'm gonna let her answer that one. You wanna jump on the hot seat? Come on, let's not be bashful. Come on, Leaves, jump in the house. All right, so we're gonna take questions now about what I just shared. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of him right there. And his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love. And I do wanna say thank you so much. Yes, it was my birthday yesterday. I celebrated being 29 again. Okay, no, I was 39 again. Now, maybe I was 49 again. Maybe I was 59, maybe. Somewhere in that range, so. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what I just shared. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after or purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund. So I'd love to get some money donated tonight. Love to get some hot seat people. Looks like we have a bashful group tonight. We're gonna cut out early if we don't have any questions. Let's see what, let's see if anyone has posted. Oh, Jessiny says, if he gets scared by the idea of marriage and can't have a conversation, let him go. Exactly, exactly folks. If a man is afraid to talk about full commitment, are you waiting for magic fairy dust to change this guy's opinion? No. Hey, look, we got a hot seat. Rhonda's in the house. Hi, Jonathan. I have a question. My question, I know you've mentioned about getting married. I'm scared to get married. I'm one of those women, I'm scared to get married. There's a backstory to it, but I don't know how to overcome that. I mean, I'm gonna live with the man forever, maybe live with him three to five years and then get married, but in my situation, what do I do? So, okay, so, what we're defining is, you just, you said you're scared to get married, but let me ask you, what does your heart want? I wanna get married, but I'm afraid because I've been through two marriages, divorced. Okay, but let's differentiate. You want to get married, but you're scared of marriage, right? Yeah. Are you really scared of marriage or what are you scared of? It's not the marriage you're scared of, so what are you scared of? I'm afraid of fail. Okay, afraid of failure, okay. Why is it gonna fail? I know you say something about a broken picker. I'm trying to do better. That's why I subscribe to you and I'm one of your Facebook members, but I think I'm doing a lot better. I'm more confident because of you. I'm asking questions, I'm learning and you know, so I think I'm doing a lot better job. I think I'm real good at batting. And if I get nervous or forget, I have your questions in our class and I go over them. Okay. I, you know. So here's the thing. You're not scared. It's not even your broken picker you're scared of. You're scared of, well, I mean, to some degree, you're scared of choosing the wrong man. I get that, right? So if we know, okay, you're walking down a street and you see a hole in the sidewalk, right? You see a hole. You just walk into it? No. Okay, so why don't we? Because we know what happens. So if you already know the holes in your sidewalk and that is you have a broken picker, well then what we do is we improve your picker number one. Okay. By asking these questions, you immediately eliminate 99 out of a hundred guys because 99 out of a hundred guys are winging it. They're all over the place. They're sucking their thumbs there. They got their finger up their ass. Okay. So you don't have to worry about it if you ask better questions. Now, the second, now you've asked better questions than a guy's on board. Now it's how to create a successful marriage. Okay. Here's a great book by the Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Okay. This is your Bible. Okay. This is the Bible. You just say, look, if you want that penis to go inside my vagina, this is the rules, okay? We have to follow these rules. Otherwise you don't get the cookie as Steve Harvey would say. Okay. And you have a better chance of avoiding divorce by being more intentional. Is that sinking in? Yeah, it is. I mean, I hear and follow every word. I hang on you every word because I mean, it's been working for me. Yeah, guys, they don't, you know, I lose them every day. That's all right, because I don't want to miss it. Isn't it nice you've got options? Say it again. You got nice? Do I have a lot of options? Is that what you're saying? No, but you're getting lots of options. So that's a good thing. Yeah, but they, you know, they want, they just want something casual. And I'm not doing casual. Yeah, but so by the way, so I want you to, what's the date today? August 2nd. Let's see. Six months from now is February 2nd. I want you to write down on a piece of paper. I'm engaged by February 2nd. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Write it down. I'm gonna do it. Write it down, paper of 2024. I want you to write it down in your calendar and you're telling God, you're telling universe, you're telling spirit, I want full commitment. Yes. Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm excited. I'm gonna do it. And you're in the group to keep us posted. Okay. Cause I'm a little bit, I just started doing this manifestation. There's a law of assumption. I'm new to it. So yeah, I'm totally into writing it down and hopefully manifested. Yeah. Not hopefully you will manifest it. I am gonna manifest. You're the better. There you go. Thank you so much. Really quickly. I'm gonna give you a prayer. God, universe, spirit. I invite in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship where Rhonda meets a man who's emotionally grown up, who has the ability to communicate in an effective manner and he handles conflicts and differences with ease. They have mutual chemistry with one another. They can blend lives together. They share the same values and they can build the deep roots of trust that support long-term commitment that leads to marriage, God, universe, spirit. I invite that in for our sweetheart here today. Thank you, Jonathan. You're the best. You're welcome. Love you. Okay. Thank you, love you too. Okay. All right, let's see who else we have in the house. If you wanna jump on the hot seat, click the link right here. If you have, oh, let's see, Leah has a question. How do you feel about a psychological marriage? In other words, have a ceremony with family and friends but do not go through the legal process. You know, I've been, okay. Okay, I'm in favor of that. I do believe that marriage is a relationship with the government, okay? In other words, I'm not sure that has to be the case, okay? I'm really, when I'm exploring this perspective, I'm really wondering, can a spiritual marriage be or even possibly a domestic partnership? By the way, Rhonda, I should have mentioned this also. Domestic partnership is like marriage light, only in that the, you know, I'm just exploring these. I'm not fully committed to one way or the other but I do like the idea of a ceremony of vows with one another, a declaration, okay? Now, does that mean you can't exit out of it? No, it doesn't. But you know, if someone's willing to go that far, they're usually willing to go the distance. And the only difference is you don't have the government involved if there happens to be a need to end the relationship. So I'm in favor of that. I'm gonna add that to the equation. I'm in favor of that. So thank you so much for that question. By the way, Leafs wants to say to Rhonda, question ready and brave, way to go. We're very, I agree with you. And Margaret wants to know, why are we shy to be on the hot seat? Well, jump on, Margaret. I wanna get you on the hot seat. All right. Ah, let's see. Does anyone have a question? This is gonna be a very short live. If you don't even have questions to offer the group or jump on the hot seat. How about Debbie or DW? Jump on. Let's have some fun. And don't forget to hit that thumbs up, everyone. If you like this content, if you appreciate what I shared it, hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. And check out all the links below to things like a discovery call with me or my group called Midlife Love Mastery. So Donnie's in the house. Hi, can you hear me? I can hear you. Hi. Okay. So the saga continues. Okay. What's our update? I didn't take note flat time. He said that it's ran its course. Oh, that's right. It ran its course. So. I accepted it, but it was a little hurtful. And... Why did it hurt? Because I feel like I got played. So, all right, let's play. Let's explore that. You feel like you got played. Now. Yes, yes. Why don't we unpack this? So how long were the two of you together? Six months. Six months. And how often did you see each other in those six months? Twice a month. Twice a month. So we're talking a total of 12 days. Okay. Okay. Now, in those 12 days, when did you guys have sex together? It's okay. Could have been on the first date. I mean, there's no, there's no shame here. Okay. Okay. Second. Second day. Okay. So you guys had sex and you guys communicated on the phone incessantly. You texted each other. You talked. You texted and talked. You texted and talked. You texted and talked. You texted and talked. You texted and talked. Okay. And you saw each other. And when you did see each other, did he come to your place or did you go to his place? It was back and forth. Okay. So you went to your respective homes and would he stay the weekend? Would it be just for the night? Okay. And did you go do anything? Did you go to the movies? Did you get ice cream? Did you, did you go out to dinners? Okay. Yes. And did you guys take turns paying or did he cover most of it? Take turns. Okay. He took turns. Okay. So you guys mutually invested in it. And he said it ran its course. What happened prior to him saying it's run its course? What did he say? Were you noticing a pullback? Yes. Yes. So for about four days, yeah. For about four days. And did you talk to him about the pullback? I told him what you told me in a text. I, hey, I think you're pulling back because maybe we can talk. Yeah. And that's when he said, yes, I am pulling back. And I said, can we talk? And he said, yes. And then he said, I think it's ran its course. Okay. So let me ask you a question. It's just a wild hypothetical. But Jonathan, he called again. I called him because I was very hurtful. And he said, it was an eye-opener, but it was all about his day. Nothing about me. Hey, how you doing? He went down. Okay, so he was in his own head. Yes. And then I laughed. So let me ask you a question. He's narcissistic. Now don't go down that road. I mean, human beings are myopic. They're not nice. There's this bullshit narrative going on out there. Here's the fact of human beings. Most human beings are self-centric. Okay? You are, I am, we all are self-centric. And more importantly, we can be myopic. In other words, we're in a tunnel of our own vision. That's what myopic being myopic is. Be careful of narcissism. I mean, unless it's diagnosed by a doctor, don't call someone that. Okay. Sorry. Because up until he pulled back, did you think you had a great relationship? Okay. Yeah. So can you walk away with your head high and not take it personally? See, when you say I've been played, what you're saying is up until the point, everything changed, you're saying it was false, but it wasn't false. It was real. Yeah. Everything was real. Okay. He most likely could not commit any further and he ran its course for his capacity to go any deeper. Number one. Number two, because of the distance, you could have had someone else going on. Okay. That's very highly likely as well, but this is the challenge you face when you choose a distance relationship. Here's the thing. A healthy relationship up until before the internet was you spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together. Teamwork building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical, emotional intimacy that led to getting married or living together. Okay. Now, why do I harp on this? Yeah. Why? Because text relationships is artificial intimacy. It's false. It's not real. So if you don't take ownership on your part for engaging in this cyber relationship because most of it was cyber with the occasional sex. Okay, or connection and sex. Then you can't be a victim if you are a participant in it. Did you ask them right before you ex, did you ask them when you first met them? Would you like to get married? What, do you love the institution of marriage? No, you didn't ask them. No, no, no. I don't really discuss being boyfriend and girlfriend. About the fourth time, the fourth date, yeah. And you agree to monogamy and exclusivity. Yes. So you did everything you could, but you didn't really choose a person who you could actually build a life with because the only people we can build life with are people within our proximity. If they're not in our proximity, we can't really get to know them. Okay. So stop it. Yes, okay. Stop it, stop it. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. Do not take it personally. Taking it personally makes you a victim. Okay. You're not a victim. Oh, no, no. And so chalk it up. By the way, I wrote this down. Relationships are a place for individual growth. Relationships trigger our need for deeper healing. Relationships are either short-lived or a season or a lifetime, but they're growth. So I want you to answer three questions. Okay. Not right now, I want you to come back later. Okay. What positive things about yourself did you learn in this experience? Okay, I can do that. What did you heal or four questions? What did you heal within yourself? Okay. What was good about this experience and what am I most grateful for? So I'll repeat that. Can someone write this through chat box? Yeah, please, please, write it, please. Number one, what positive things about myself did I learn in this experience? What did I heal within myself during this experience? What was good about this experience and what am I most grateful for? When you hold a space of gratitude, you can't be a victim. If you don't have to call a doctor, an attorney, or a policeman, and I heard this from Dr. Pat Allen, if you don't have to call a doctor, attorney, or policeman, you're not a victim. Okay, yes, yes, I love it, I love that. You don't have to be a victim if you call one of those three people. Okay, so can someone write that in the chat box? I'm gonna repeat it one more time. Please, please, please. What positive things did you learn about yourself? Yes. What did I heal from this experience? What was good and what am I most grateful for? I'm gonna remove you. I want you to jump back on and tell us what your answer is, okay? Okay, thank you. All right, big hugs to you. Oh! All right. All right, Julianne wants to know, did I miss the two questions? Okay, the two questions are just to remind you, ask men these two questions. Do you wanna get married or end or remarried if they're divorced? And do you love the institution of marriage before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina? In fact, why not ask this before you ever go on a date with a guy? It will only scare men who are non-intentional. That's it. It only scares men who are non-intentional. Don't be afraid of scaring someone. All right, if you wanna jump on the hot seat, here's the link right here to jump on the hot seat or if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. I'd love to, listen, we're gonna wrap up quickly. If you guys don't give me content, if you don't give me food, if you don't give me fodder, I'm hungry, I'm hungry to help you, I'm hungry to serve you, I'm hungry to give you, I'm hungry to give you tough love because we all need a bit of tough love because we've been acting like spoiled little children out there in the dating marketplace and no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there. My Facebook user wants to know at the hot seat, I've just put the link right here in the chat box. The link here, right here. The link is in the chat box, everybody. Go to the chat box and hit the link, it's right there. So what does the institution of marriage look like for you? No, that's not the question. Do you love the institution of marriage? That's really the question. Like, do you love the idea of being partnered with someone? That's what we're really getting at. Do you want, do you really want it? But more importantly, do you love it? If you don't love the idea of being partnered with someone, what the fuck are you doing? Yes, I get it. We are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality where men and women want companionship, connection, and sex without any real commitment. It's time to ask these radical questions right from the very beginning. Mary Lou's in the house. So why do I consider living together as not enough commitment? Well, okay. Living together is certainly a big commitment. It's a radical commitment. Now, it could be a little bit challenging when one person uproots their life and moves into someone else's life. That's possibly one thing. Ideally, it's better for two people to move into a home together. That would be the ideal situation, a new environment so they can build and grow something together. The point of why I'm harping now on marriage is that the thing is living together is a big commitment. And the good thing about living together is you really get to test drive whether or not you're marriage material. I see that benefit in there. But the big difference is, and I really do believe, okay, so let me rewind for a second. I have a new strategy with dating, okay? You meet someone, you like them, you've been dating for a month, okay? And you decide you're gonna explore a relationship together. And you've agreed to have sex with one another. You're a month in. Why not spend two weeks at the other person's home and they spend two weeks at your home so you've accumulated literally a month of living together? And if by the end of that period of time, and ideally a little bit longer, if at that end of time you get on each other's nerves, you drive each other nuts, they're disrespectful, they treat you poorly, then you can disengage from this relationship. And you've got it out of the way instead of doing what most people is spend years in protracted relationships, okay? So that's one strategy. But ultimately going in with the idea is that if we really get along well, we like living with each other and we really are good partners with one another, the idea is to get married. Because at the end of the day, without all it, if you're not all in, if one person is all in and the other person isn't, it fucking sucks. Everybody hear what I just said, it fucking sucks. You know, marriage is a declaration, I'm all in. Now look, I got married in my 20s, I had my thumb up my ass, I had my head up my ass more than anything. I didn't know what I was doing. And, you know, we had two children and we had a lot of fun, but I wasn't ready for it. I think you get to this point in your life and you wanna be, listen, for those of us who are baby boomers or Gen Xers, tail end or baby boomers, Gen Xers, do we really wanna go down this road one after another after another? No. And the declaration, the idea of loving, loving the idea of marriage, it says that I really wanna be partnered with someone. And when you set that intention, the God universe spirit will draw that person in, like we're shooting for with Rhonda. Six months from today, I hope she's engaged, to a great guy. And I hope she does a good job betting and I hope she doesn't give away her money, you know, because those are some of the mistakes people make, but that's why I'm harping on this. That's why I'm harping on this, okay? All right, let's keep going here. If you wanna be on the hot seat, if you got a question for me, hit that link that's in the chat box. Bump, bump, bump, let's keep going. Catherine says, is it okay if I'm only interested in a casual relationship? Absolutely, it's okay. Casual relationship typically involves two people spending regular time together, having regular sex together, with no intentionality for commitment. Here's the danger, though. When one person wants to end it and even Sidoni was feeling this, we get attached to another human being. Casual sets us up for disappointment. Commitment doesn't, casual does. Commitment at least, listen, the average, I want you to think about, today's the Wednesday night. So this coming Friday night, I think all across the United States, a million people will have a first date. That means 500,000 men, 500,000 women, heterosexually speaking. Of those 500, of those million people, a very, very, very, very, very small percentage are ever gonna get a second or third date. It's really a small percentage. And of those people that have a second or third date, very few of those percentage will turn into something more than a few months. And then a very, very, very small percentage of those will turn into something maybe a year. And a very small percentage of those will turn into marriage. But of those million people, a big percentage of them are having sex with one another. See, that's the problem. When someone wrote on my page, why do women give marriage benefits at girlfriend prices? This is part of the problem. See, being physically intimate can bond you to another person. So once you're bonded with someone, Catherine, it's very difficult to detach if you're not on the same page. And if you're only on the page of casual, then when someone changes their mind, then you know what drama is called? When your expectation is here and their expectation is there. That space in between is called drama. And that's what will end up happening, Catherine. But again, you're welcome to do casual, you're welcome to do friends with benefits, you're welcome to do situationships, but there's usually a price that's paid when both of you are not on the same page long-term. That's just my invitation for you. All right, let's keep going. Come on, somebody is gonna wanna be on the hot seat. All right, Christina says, what's the point of asking if they love the institution of marriage when even if the answer is yes, they don't know if they would want it with you? Well, no, this isn't a really, this is like when a man wants to get married and or remarried and he loves the idea of partnership, then he's ridiculously selective, okay? He's very selective, okay? That's the benefit of it. When you find out if he wants it, he's gonna be selective. He isn't, he's really not gonna take the low hanging fruit. He's looking for the top of the tree and that's the benefit of it. So, Christina, I hope that answers your question. All right, Julianne. Hi, this is fun and random. I would have dressed up for this, but I've only caught you like twice live, so this is awesome and I love your stuff. What is that pendant you're wearing? Oh, this is a Labradipe pink tourmaline. My son got it for me for my birthday. Thank you for asking. Looks like the Mediterranean or Arabic evil eye from where I see this. Oh, God, well, maybe that, maybe I need to take it off. Maybe that's... No, no, that's okay. That's okay. Honey, I got one hanging above my door. I was like, maybe it's warding off all the good men. No, I'm totally kidding. So, what's your question for me? Okay, so let me see if I can do this in cliff notes here. Basically, I'm 42, I'm gonna cringe here. I'm divorced two times and I'm starting to realize it's not that these partners are drawn, like some people say, well, you're attracting all these partners and I just for the first time realized, no, I'm attracted to these type of partners and it's gross, it's disgusting that it took me this long to figure this out and I'm kind of just like waking up from like this long sleep. So I've been divorced for four years. I waited three years to date and unfortunately, he ghosted me, he left me. So I'm very drawn to emotionally unavailable unstable men and I'm learning, I'm trying to learn how to rewire my brain and I realized that a lot of this stems from some childhood stuff. I had a very hard people pleasing mom, like she was just hard, difficult to please and my dad, he did the best he could, he was a great dad, but he was always gone, didn't really feed into me and so it's a familiar pain that I like and so how, like, how does one, how do you just begin to rewire your brain to want a nice guy? I know that sounds so messed up to say that out loud. I mean, it's very common. So first off, awareness is 80% of it. So awareness. Number two, 80% of humans in the dating marketplace are rather emotionally dysfunctional men and women alike because what you just described is a form of dysfunctionality. You're choosing emotionally unavailable means you're not emotionally available. So first, become what you want to attract. I know it seems counterintuitive because you think you are, but if you're attracting that, that's a mirror for what's missing in you. So first, become what you want to attract, okay? Meditation, workshops, trainings, particularly in the area of your childhood wound, particularly in the area of your pattern of choosing men like your mother or your father. So first is recognizing who might be someone like your father, okay? Couple clues. Did they have a dysfunctional childhood? That's possibly a clue. Did they have a contentious divorce? That's possibly a clue. Did they not take ownership for their part in the ending of any and all of their relationships? That's a clue. So first, you have to learn the clues and more importantly, you have to interrogate men in the dating process. Folks, I'm here to say now, I'm speaking to everyone, Julianne. Dating is an interrogation process. I don't give a fuck what any other dating coach tells you. Just have a good time, focus on having a good time. It's all about having a good time. A good time is why we're in this fucking mess because we're all focused on just having a good time instead of going, is this the right person for me? So to some degree, you have to be a little detached from the person in the beginning by really asking deeper questions. And guess what? You can do this on the phone before you ever meet the person. That's the safest place to do it. You get on the phone, you ask them. Now a couple of people are barking at my question of bringing up the question of marriage. Well, it occurs to me that the real problem today is being all in. That's the problem. Because when somebody is all in, when two people are all in, when they're committed to making it work, they work around their problems. They work around their issues. They work around their challenges because they're committed to the idea of we. So get really clear. Do you wanna get married again? Now I know you might be reluctant because the idea of third strike, third strike is a third strike you're out, but third strike is the charm too. So you can look at it from the glass empty or the glass full. Third strike is the charm, okay? Strike, I'm not sure. Third what? Third at bat, let's just say. Sorry to cut you off. And maybe I wasn't one that was barking, but I was like, well, some of them can lie though. You know what I mean? You can talk about marriage and they seem like they're all in. Well, here's the thing. Most men will say something like this. I'll get married if I meet the right person. So they're predicated on some fantasy that they, see, if you don't want it before you meet them. So I'm gonna give you an analogy or give you a line from Wayne Dyer. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it, okay? Or when I believe it, I will see it. The thing is when I want to get married, when I want partnership, when I really want partnership, the man will go find a suitable partner. He is interrogating you more than you're interrogating him. That's what's happened when a man truly wants partnership. He's evaluating you. Are you gonna meet up to his standards? So in the meantime, you're in charge of your relationship, Destiny. You can't leave it up to a man. So as a man, you can't leave it up to a man. So ask better questions by asking if you love the institution of marriage, what it then covers is their attitude towards the idea of being partnered with someone. And if they start to give him an ah, or they start to give you double talk, or they start to make excuses, then why would you want to, it's like getting on an airplane with the pilot as an alcoholic. Do you really want to take that risk? YOLO. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. No. Okay, well, thank you so much. You're very welcome, Julian. Thank you for being on. Chris likes the charm for you. Just remember that. I'm gonna work on some things first. So thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. You're very welcome. Thanks for being on. I appreciate it. Do I just hit leave? Is that what it is? Yeah, I'll just remove you. So thanks. So Michelle wants to say, never want to marry again. I get that. I understand that. But do you want to be in partnership with someone? And if you do, what does that look like? Many of you are in your 50s and 60s. Do you want to be 30 years dating someone? Is that what you want? I hope not. I hope it's not 30 years of dating. Okay. Christina's in the house. By the way, if you want to jump on the hot seat, the link is in the chat box there. Question, how to get emotionally and psychologically out of a situation and get ready to meet my husband, please? Well, emotionally and psychologically out of a situation ship. Well, you just, I don't know if to me and Juliana, there's something else I want to share with you. So Juliana, don't leave yet. But Christine, do you need to call a doctor? A policeman or an attorney? Because if you're in a dynamic where you need professional help, I want to encourage you right now, go seek professional help. Okay. This is not something for a dating coach. You need to talk to a trained professional. If you're experiencing emotional or psychological abuse, please seek the help of a trained professional in this area. Okay. All right. Thanks so much. Juliana, you're very welcome. And I just want to say, or do this one. There's nothing easy about the process of connecting. When I said earlier, I want you to become what you want to attract. I want you to really embody, really sit with the emotions, the feelings, the idea of all the qualities that you want in a relationship. Many of you just talk about it on such the surface level where many of you focus on the criteria of tall, dark handsome. I invite everyone to really sit in, what are the qualities? If you can't put together a list of 50 things you want in a partner, qualities, then you're not ready. Let me make it easier. 30 things. 50 is a lot. 30 qualities you want in a partner. Then ask yourself, are you those qualities? Not from your ego, but from your heart. And one of those qualities is being emotionally mature. Put that on the list as well. All right. Tiffany has a question. Is dating a co-worker off limits? So up until about 1970, from about 1940 to 1970, the predominant places people met that were over 25 years old, the predominant place they met, actually probably from the 50s on up to the 80s, was the workplace. What's the benefit? Typically, you're going to go out with somebody whom you already know. You've built some know, like, and trust. You have some familiarity. You probably have done activities together. The problem is not dating a co-worker. The problem is if it doesn't work out, that's saying don't shit where you eat. It's not about dating a co-worker. It's about what happens if it doesn't work out. That's the real messy you have to contend with, okay? All right. So I hope that answers your question. Flowers writes in. Jonathan, I agree that after committing to each other and being in an exclusive relationship for a month to discuss spending two weeks at a time each other's home. Thank you so much. Folks, I'm here to say, if the penis gets to go inside the vagina, then you guys should immediately, as soon as humanly possible, see what it's like living together because you don't know someone until you live with them. And I'm talking for at least a 30-day period, preferably two weeks in their home, two weeks in your home. But Jonathan, my work schedule and all this stuff, well, then you're playing with fire because so many of you are in these protracted, look at Sidoni, six months, saw each other twice a month. And now the relationship ran its course. She could have cut through that bullshit in the first 30 days because he would have, he wouldn't have never went there. That's the point. He wasn't gonna go there and he never would have went there. So get to the shit quicker is my invitation for everybody. She says, why is it so hard to leave a relationship with someone after you introduce your family to them and don't appreciate him and they don't appreciate for you? It's hard to leave because once we make an investment in someone, we're attached, we're attached. Here in the United States, I speak about US because that's all I know. We have a real serious problem of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And when someone's not giving you the love you want, you're fighting for it, you're thirsty for it, you're gonna become a martyr in it, you're gonna over give, you're gonna be a people pleaser and because we give our power away to another human being. Folks, I'm here to say that the primary cause for a relationship discord is because you've given your power to another human being. And because of that, it's hard to leave because they own you emotionally speaking. It takes courage to stand in your power. It takes courage to say, I'm not gonna give my power away because we're so conditioned to it. But we only have ourselves to blame when we do that. And I say we because I've done it before. Oh my God, I'm a basket case, I've done it before. I choose not to give my power away to another person. I invite you all not to give your power away to another person. All right. And that's why it's hard to leave. Elizabeth's in the house. I'm seriously considering the naked divorce coaching with Adele. I'm scared and will pay big bucks and still no charge. What do you think, folks? I'm a big proponent of everybody considering naked discovery, naked recovery, naked divorce. Ask for Adele, mention my name. Okay. By the way, in the link below, you can click the link in the description of this video. When this ends, click the... And there's an online course you can do as well. So I definitely recommend that. Thank you so much. Sarah wants to say, can you elaborate on giving your power away? So when you make your happiness predicated on this person either loving you or being in relationship with you, if your happiness is predicated on that, that's giving your power away. Ladies, if a man or woman wants to end a relationship with you, it's sad. If you feel hurt, you're going to act like a victim. If you feel like they use you, you're going to act like a victim. You know? Without really looking at the totality of the relationship, but ultimately, when you retain your power and someone says, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, you say, that's okay. Because if you truly love someone, if you truly love someone, it's okay that they don't want to do this anymore. See, we make it out to be... Relationships are really a source for healing. And not every single relationship is going to go the distance. It might be for a reason. It might be... Listen, I'm going to read you a meme I posted in my... Hold on one second. I posted this a few days ago. Good relationships heal trauma. Just being in a good one can repair years of hurt feeling unseen and feeling alone. Thus, relationships are a path to healing and personal transformation. So just like what I asked Sidoni earlier, what positive things did you learn about yourself? What did you heal in this experience? What was good and what am I most grateful for? So when you can answer those with your head high and not taking it personal, you didn't give your power away. It's when you make that... When you... You throw the other person under the bus and they harmed you and they hurt you and they took advantage of me. And maybe they did. Okay, maybe they did. But you know what? You can walk away with your head high saying, you know what, I learned a fucking shitload and I'm grateful for all these things and focus on that. That is not giving your power away, Sarah. Does that help? I hope so. Tasha has a question. Tasha has a question. How do you find out what is material to a relationship to someone? Well, let me... Let's see, material. What's important to them? Well, first you ask them questions. What does a relationship look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? Do you want to get married? Do you want to get remarried? Do you like the institution of marriage? If yes or no, why? See, if someone says, okay, let's think about... Okay, I didn't say this earlier. Boy, I missed a big one. Why don't you like the institution of marriage? What bothers you? Well, you could take half my money. Wow, that's a pessimistic point of view. You know, I don't want to be tied down. I want the freedom. I want to move on. Why would you want to be even dating someone who is fear-based? Why would you want to date someone that's fear-based? There's some things to ponder, okay? Let's see what else. Sherry wants to say dating at work can be a prime for harassment cases. Be careful with this. And some workplaces have policy against dating. Yeah, I didn't mention that earlier, but that's true. Let's see what else we have. Daley says, Jonathan, I love your work. I ran into your channel not too long ago. You know, you are STD. Oh, my God, I hope it's not STD. Thank you so much. By the way, we've got time for another hot seat. Come on, don't be bashful. Let's fill up the seats. Tell me why you don't want to get married. I want to hear your point of view. It seems like some, you know, folks, I'm only harping on this because I recognize that all in, being all in, like all in. That matters. That means something. You know, I wasn't all in when I got married to my first wife, and I have real regret over that, mostly for my kids who are pictured behind me. I feel sad about that. I wasn't all in. I was fucking clueless. I had my thumb up my ass. I had my head up my ass. I was so myopic. Being all in. What's the point? What's the point of dating? What's the point of dating? I realize it's going to be a string of one relationship after another, one date after another. And I think that's exhausting. I think it's exhausting. DW says that's a good one, Jonathan. You're very welcome. Christine writes, how to make a guy stop spying on you, therapy sessions included. Well, it sounds like you're going to have to call a policeman or a private investigator. You can't do anything. Folks, that's a fantasy. It starts by choosing better right from the beginning. It starts by choosing better right from the beginning. And that's hard to do when I get that. Did you get value from today's video? If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that subscribe button. Hit that subscribe button. Hit that notification bell. I think this will be a great place for you to subscribe to today's video. I really do hope you found value. Check out the links below to a free discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to find me on Instagram. Oh, wait, we've got one more. Okay, we're going to take one more. Tasha's in the house. Your microphone is off. Hey, here we go. Tasha, we have a reverb. If you can't turn off the video, we're going to take one more. I'm sorry, Tasha doesn't know how to. Folks, when you go on live, you have to use a separate device and you have to turn off the video because the sound is going to come back. So, Tasha, I have to kick you out. I'm sorry about that. Maybe next time. All right. Jeanette says, that was great and raw. Thank you. Sarah says, thank you. Julianne says, woot. Christine says, Christine says, merci. All right. And Viva says, next time use earbuds. Okay, Tasha. You're very welcome, Tiffany. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for being on. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big check. Anne and Jonathan bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank Viva and Elizabeth and Oshie and wait a minute. There we go. And Tiffany and Julianne and D.W. And let's see Sarah and Kimberly's in the house. Big hugs to you, Kimberly. Everyone. Thanks so much. Be well. Take care. Bye now. And thank you, Kim.