 Book II. CHAPTER II. A Long Chapter of Characters. The post-chase stopped in a genteel street in London, and Pompey was introduced into decent lodgings, where every thing had an air of politeness, yet nothing was expensive. The rooms were hung with Indian paper, the beds were Chinese, and the whole furniture seemed to show how elegant simplicity can be under direction of taste. Tea was immediately ordered, and the two ladies sat down to refresh themselves after the fatigue of their journey, and began to talk over the adventures they had met with at the bath. They remembered many agreeable incidents, which had happened in that great rendezvous of pleasure, and ventured to laugh at some follies of their acquaintance, without severity or ill-nature. These two ladies were born of a good family, and had received a genteel education. Their father indeed left them no more than six thousand pounds each, but as they united their fortunes, and managed their affairs with frugality, they made a creditable figure in the world, and lived in intimacy with people of the greatest fashion. It will be necessary for the sake of distinction to give them names, and the reader, if he pleases, may call them Theodosia and Aurora. Theodosia, the eldest, was advancing towards forty, an age when personal charms begin to fade, and women grow indifferent at least, who have nothing better to supply the place of them. But Theodosia was large-possessed of all those good qualities which render women agreeable without beauty. She was affable and easy in her behaviour, well-bred without falsehood, cheerful without levity, polite and obliging to her friends, civil and generous to her domestics. Nature had given her a good temper, and education had made it an agreeable one. She had lived much in the world without growing vain or insolent, improved her understanding by books without any affectation of wit or science, and loved public places without being a slave to pleasure. Her conversation was always engaging and often entertaining. Her long commerce with the world had supplied her with a fund of diverting remarks on life, and her good sense enabled her to deliver them with grace and propriety. Aurora, the youngest sister, was in her four-and-twentieth year, and imagination cannot possibly form a finer figure than she was in every respect. Her beauty, now in its highest luster, gave that full satisfaction to the eye which younger charms rarely inspire. She was tall and full-formed, but with the utmost elegance and symmetry in all her limbs, and a certain majesty which resulted from her shape, was accompanied with the most peculiar sweetness of face. For though she had all the charms, she had none of the insolence of beauty. As if these uncommon perfections of nature were not sufficient to procure her admirers enough, she had added to them the most winning accomplishments of art. She danced and sung, and played like an angel. Her voice naturally clear, full and melodious, had been improved under the best Italian masters, and she was ready to oblige people with her music on the slightest intimation that it would be agreeable, without any airs of shyness and unseasonable modesty. Indeed, affectation never entered into any one of her gestures, and whatsoever she did was with that generous freedom of manner which denotes a good understanding as well as an honest heart. Her temper was cheerful in the highest degree, and she had a most uncommon flow of spirits and good humour which seldom deserted her in any place or any company. At a ball she was extremely joyous and spirited, and the pleasure she gave to her beholders could only be exceeded by that unbounded happiness with which she inspired her partner. Yet though her genius led her to be lively and a little romantic, whoever conversed with her in private admitted her good sense, and heard reflections from her, which plainly showed she had often exercised her understanding on the most serious subjects. A woman so beautiful in her person, and excellent in her accomplishments, could not fail of attracting lovers in great abundance, and as the characters of some of her admirers may perhaps not be unentertaining, we will give the reader a little sketch of two of them, from among a great variety. And first, let us pay our compliments to Count Tag, who had merited a title by his exploits, which perhaps is not the most usual step to honour, but always most respectable whenever it happens. It is true he had no patent to show for his nobility, which depended entirely on the arbitrium popularis orai, the fickleness of popular applause, but the same arts which had procured him his title he trusted to for the preservation of it. He had indeed taken great pains to be a coxcom of distinguished reputation, and by the help of uncommon talents this way, was now arrived at the full extent of his wishes. Having established a large acquaintance among people of fashion, who admitted him for the sake of laughing at him, he really fancied himself one of their number, and had long ago thought proper to forget his family and primeval meanness. But that the reader may know by what steps he rose to the conspicuous station of ridicule he now possessed, but has traced him in his progress to it. Count Tag was the son of a brewer in a great market town, who, having grown rich in trade, was seized with the unfortunate ambition of breeding up his son a gentleman, for which purpose he sent him first to a public school, and afterwards to the University of Oxford. Being here on a level with people much his superiors, the young gentleman learned to grow fond of great company, and very early began to calculate the degree of his happiness by the number of his fashionable acquaintance. At last his father died, and left him a fortune of about eight thousand pounds. Upon the news whereof he immediately transported himself from Oxford to London, resolving to make a bold push, as it is called, to introduce himself into life. He had a strong ambition of becoming a fine gentleman, and cultivating an acquaintance with people of fashion, which he esteemed the most consummate character attainable by man, and to that he resolved to dedicate his days. As his first assay, therefore, he presented himself every evening in a sidebox at one of the playhouses, where he was ready to enter into conversation with anybody that would afford him an audience, but was particularly assiduous in applying himself to young noblemen and men of fortune whom he had formerly known at school or at the University. By degrees he got footing in two or three families of quality, where he was sometimes invited to dinner, and having learnt the fashionable topics of discourse, he studied to make himself agreeable by entertaining them with the current news of the town. He had the first intelligence for marriage, or an intrigue, knew to a moment when the breath went out of a nobleman's body, and published the scandal of a masquerade or a redotta, sooner by half an hour at least, than any other public talker in London. He had a conspicuous fluency of language which made him embellish every subject he undertook, and a certain art of talking as minutely and circumstantially on the most trivial subjects, as on those of the highest importance. He would describe a straw or a pimple on a lady's face, with all the figures of rhetoric, by which he persuaded many people to believe him a man of great parts, and surely no man's impertence ever turned to better account. As he constantly attended Bath and Tumbridge, and all the public places, he got easier access to the tables of the great, and by degrees insinuated himself into all the parties of the ladies, among whom he began to be received as a considerable genius, and quickly became necessary in all their drums and assemblies. Finding his schemes thus succeed almost beyond his hopes, he now assumed a higher behaviour, and began to fancy himself a man of quality from the company he kept. With this view, he thought proper to forget all his old acquaintance, whose low geniuses left him groveling in obscurity, while his superior talents had raised him to a familiarity with lords and ladies. If, therefore, any old friend, presuming on their former intimacy, ventured to accost him in the park, he made a formal bow, and begged pardon for leaving him. But really, Lady Betty or Lady Mary was just entering them all. In short, he always proportioned his respect to the rank and fortunes of his company. He would desert a commoner for a lord, a lord for an earl, an earl for a marquis, and a marquis for a duke. Having thus enrolled himself in his own imagination among the nobility, it was not without reason that people gave him the style and title of Count Tag, thinking at a pity that such a genius should be called by the ordinary name of his family. To say that this gentleman was in love would be too great an abuse of language, for he was in reality incapable of loving any body but himself. But vanity and the mode often made him effect attachments to women of celebrated beauty, from whose acquaintances he thought he could arrive a credit to himself. This was his motive for appearing one of the admirers of Aurora, whose charms were conspicuous enough to excite his pride, and that was the only passion which the Count ever thought of gratifying. He knew how to counterfeit raptures which he never felt, and had all the language of love without any of its sentiment. The other admirer of Aurora, whose character we likewise promised to draw, was one in all respects the reverse of Count Tag, and may very well service his contrast. He was a young nobleman about her own age, blessed with every personal accomplishment that could render him agreeable, and every good quality that could make him beloved. If an excellent understanding improved by competent reading, if the most uncommon integrity of mind joined with the greatest candour and sensibility of heart, if a soul passionately devoted to the love of truth which abhorred falsehood and detested affectation, if all these perfections can render any one the object of esteem, they all united in forming the character of this amiable young nobleman. But to esteem him only was paying him but half his due. There was something so very open and sincere in his looks, so winning in his conversation, and striking in all his actions, that nobody ever departed from him without a thorough love and admiration of him. He had the most agreeable manner of address, improved but not corrupted by the civilities of the world, a uniform, unaffected, natural gentility which put mere politeness out of countenance, and left artificial complacence at a distance. In a word, he had the most cordial warmth of heart, the greatest generosity of sentiment, and the truest equanimity of temper upon all occasions in life. Being inspired with a passion for an agreeable woman, he was neither ashamed to own it, nor yet did he use the ridiculous elogiums with which Coxcom's talk of their mistresses, when their imaginations are heated with wine. He did not compare her to the Venus of Medici's, or run into any of those artificial raptures which are almost always counterfeited. But whenever he mentioned her name, he spoke the language of his heart, and spoke of her always with a manliness that testified the reality and sincerity of his passion. It was impossible for a woman not to return the affections of so deserving a lover, or Rora was happy to be the object of his addresses, and met them with becoming zeal. CHAPTER II The two sisters had lain longer a bed than usual the morning after their arrival in town, which was owing to the fatigue of their journey. They had but finished their breakfast by twelve o'clock, or Rora was then sitting down to her harpsichord, and Theodosia reading the playbills for the evening, when the door opened, and Count's tag was ushered by a servant into the room. When the first ceremonies were a little over, and the Count had expressed the prodigious satisfaction he felt in feeling them return to town, he began to inquire what kind of season they had had at Bath. Why, really, said Theodosia, a very good one upon the whole. There were many agreeable people there, and all of them easy and sociable, which made our time pass away cheerfully and pleasantly enough. You amaze me, cries the Count. Impossible, madam! How can it be, ladies? I had letters from Lord Marmoset and Lady Betty scornful, assuring me that, except you and themselves, there were not three human creatures in the place. Let me see. I have Lady Betty's letter in my pocket, I believe, at this moment. Oh, no! Upon recollection, I put it this morning into my cabinet, where I preserve all my letters of quality. Aurora, smothering a laugh as well as she could, said she was extremely obliged to Lord Marmoset and Lady Betty, vouchsafing to rank her and her sister in the catalogue of human beings. But surely, added she, they must have been asleep both of them when they wrote their letters, for the Bath was extremely full. Full, cries the Count, interrupting her. Oh, madam, that is very possible, and yet there might be no company, that is none of us, nobody that one knows, for as to all the tramontanes that come by the cross-post, we never reckoned them as anything but monsters in human shape, that served to fill up the stage of life, like ciphers in a play. For instance, you often see an awkward girl, who was so detailed to a gown, and pinned two lappets to a nightcap, run headlong into the rooms with a wild, frosty face, as if she was just come from feeding poultry in her father's chicken-yard, or you see a booby-squire, with a head resembling a stone-ball over a gate-post. Now it would be the most ridiculous thing in life to call such people company. It is the want of titles, and not the want of faces, that make a place empty, for if there is nobody one knows, if there are none of us in a place, we esteem all the rest as mob and rabble. Here it was impossible for the two ladies any longer to contain their laughter. Hold, hold, for heaven's sake," said the Adosia, interrupting him. Have a little mercy-count, on us poor mortals who are born without titles, and don't banish us quite from all public places. Consider, sir, though you have been so happy as to acquire a title, all of us have not had the same good fortune, must we then be reckoned among the mob and rabble of life? Oh, by no means! cries the count. You misunderstand me entirely. You are in the polite circle, ladies. We reckon you among the quality. Whoever belongs to the polite circle is of the quality. I was only talking of the wretched figures, who know nobody, and are known of nobody. They are the mob and rabble I was speaking of. You indeed. No pardon me. But pray, ladies, who is this Miss Newcombe, this great beauty, that made such a figure among you at Bath? Was she ever in any of our drums or assemblies? No, sir," replied the Adosia. It was the first time of her appearing, I believe, in any public place. She came under the protection of Lady Marmoset. She is a very agreeable girl, and really exceedingly pretty. I often conversed with her, and indeed she promises to make a very fine woman, if she does not play to fool, and throw herself away upon that odious, detestable griskin. I, that griskin, too, cries the Count. Who is that detestable griskin? I think I am acquainted with all the families of any note in England, and yet in my days I never heard of, said Jeremy Griskin. No, sir, said Aurora, with a smile. It is impossible you should know any such English family, for he gave out that he came from Ireland, and even there I fancy, one should be pretty much puzzled to find it, for I am very apt to suspect that Mr. Griskin is nothing better than a notorious sharper. We had a report at Bath, that he was the son of a blind beggar. The truth of this indeed never came perfectly to light, but sure, Lady Marmoset, if she has any friendship for the girl, must be mad to encourage such a match. Absolutely distracted, cries the Count. I cannot imagine what she means by it, and indeed when she comes to town I shall rally her ladyship for having such a beauty and petto, without letting me know anything of the matter. While the Count was thus displaying his own merit and acquaintance with the Grand Monde, the door opened on a sudden, and the young Lord appeared, whose character concluded the preceding chapter. He approached the ladies with a respectful bow, and inquired tenderly concerning their health, but addressed himself rather in a more particular manner to Aurora. Her face immediately changed on his entering the room, and a certain air of affection at Langer took possession of her features, which before were a little expressive of scorn and ridicule. In short, she received him with something more than complacence, and a tone of voice only calculated to convey the sentiments of love. But as the delicacy of her passion chose to reveal itself as little as possible before witnesses, she soon recovered the gaiety of her features, and addressing herself with a smile to her beloved peer. My Lord! said she, you are come in excellent time. The Count is entertaining us here with a very ingenious lecture on what it is we are to call the world. Count's tag was no stranger to his lordship, who perfectly knew and heartily despised him for his robbery and affectation. Yet he was obliged now and then to submit to a visit from him, for, being in possession of a title, the Count, who haunted all people of quality, would obtrude himself on his acquaintance contrary to his inclination and good manners, as well as the natural candour of his temper, restrained him from expressing his detestation in two explicit terms. He had, however, no great desire at present to hear him upon a topic where his impertence would have so great a scope, and therefore endeavored to turn the conversation to some other subject. But the Count, whose eyes sparkled, as they always did, on the appearance of a man of quality, no sooner saw him seated in his chair, than he fastened immediately upon him, and began to appeal to his lordship for a confirmation of his sentiments. My Lord! said he, I was endeavouring to convince the ladies, that if there is nobody one knows, none of us in a public place, all the rest are to be considered in the light of porters and oyster-women. I daresay your lordship is of the same opinion. Indeed, sir, but I am not, replied his lordship, and therefore I must desire you would not draw me into a participation of any such sentiments. The language of people one knows, and people one does not know, is what I very often hear in the world, but it seems to me the most contemptible jargon that ever was invented. Indeed, for my own part, I don't understand it, and therefore I confess I am not qualified to talk about it. Whom pray are we to call the people one knows? Oh, mon Dieu! cries the Duke. Your lordship surely can't ask such a question. The people one knows, my Lord, are the people who are in the round of assemblies and public diversions, people who have the Savoir-vivre, the Tonde de Bonc Campagne, as the French call it. In short, people who frizz their hair in the newest fashion, and have their clothes made at Paris. And are these the only people worth one's regard in life? said his lordship. Absolutely, my Lord! cries the Count. I can readily allow that people of quality must, in general, live with one another, the customs of the world in good measure require it, but surely our station gives us no right to behave with insolence to people below us, because they have not their clothes from Paris, or do not frizz their hair in the newest fashion. And I am sure if people of quality have no such right, it much less becomes the fox and coxsums in fashion, who are but the retainers on people of quality, who are themselves only in public by permission, and can pretend to no merit but what they derive from acquaintance with their betters. This surely is the most contemptible of all modern follies. For instance, because a man is permitted to whisper nonsense in a Lady Betty's or Lady Mary's ear in the side-box at a play-house, shall he therefore fancy himself privileged to behave with impertence to people infinitely his superior's in merit, who have perhaps not thought it worth their while to wriggle themselves into a great acquaintance? What say you, madam? added he, addressing himself to Theodosia. Your observation, she replied, is exceedingly just, my lord, but why do you confine it to your own sex? Pray let ours come in for a share of the satire. For my part, I can name a great many trumpery insignificant girls about town, who, having wriggled themselves, as you say, into a polite acquaintance, give themselves ten times more heirs, and a fifty thousand times more conceited than the people to whose company they owe their pride. I have one now in my thoughts, who is throughout composition of vanity and folly, and has been for several years the public jest and ridicule of all the town for her behaviour. All this while the Count sat in some confusion, for though he had a wonderful talent, as indeed most people have, at warding off scandal from himself, and applying the satire he met with to his neighbours, he was here so plainly described that it was hardly possible for him to be mistaken. Aurora saw this, and resolving to complete his confusion. Count, said she, I have had it in my head this many a day to ask you a question, will you be so obliging as to tell me how you came by your title? Oh, pardon me, I have no title, madam, Christ the Count, mere batonage and ridicule, and it can aim given me by some of my friends, that's all, but another time for that. At present I am obliged to call on Lord Monkeyman, who desires my opinion of some pictures he is going to buy, after which I shall look in upon Lady Betty Vincent, whom I positively have not seen for these three days. Here he rose up, and made all the haste he could away, being exceedingly glad to escape the persecution which he saw was preparing for him. Little Pompey was witness of many of these interviews, and began to think himself happily situated for life. He was a great favourite with Aurora, who caressed him with the fondest tenderness, and permitted him to sleep every night in a chair by her bedside. When she awoke in a morning she would embrace him with an ardour which the happiest lover might have envied. Our hero's vanity perhaps made him fancy himself the genuine object of these caresses, whereas in reality he was only the representative of a much nobler creature. In this manner he lived with his new mistresses the greater part of a winter, and might still have continued in the same happy situation, had he not ruined himself by his own imprudence. Aurora had been dancing one night at a redotta with her beloved peer, and retired late to her lodgings, with that vivacity in her looks and transport in her thoughts, which love and pleasure always inspire. Animated with delightful presages of future happiness, she sat herself down in a chair to recollect the conversation that had passed between them. After this she went to bed, and resigned herself to the purest slumbers. She slept longer than usual the next morning, and it seemed as if some golden dream was pictured in her fancy, for her cheek glowed with unusual beauty, and her voice spontaneously pronounced, my lord, I am wholly yours. While her imagination was presenting her with these delicious ideas, little Pompey, who heard the sound, thought she overslept herself, leaped upon the bed, and waked her with barking. To be interrupted in so critical a moment, while she was dreaming of her beloved peer, was an offence she knew not how to pardon. She darted a most enraged look at him, and resolved never to see him any more, but disposed of him that very morning to her milliner, who attended her with a new head-dress. Thus was he again removed to new lodgings, and condemned to future adventures. The Fair Princess of Lace and Ribbons, who now took possession of our hero, carried him home in her arms, extremely well pleased with her present. She quickly grew exceeding fond of him, as all his owners had been before her, and to express her love ornamented his neck with a cambrick rough. The sight of this happening to please some ladies of quality who came by accident to the shop, they resolved to imitate it, and from thence arose the modern fashion of ladies wearing ruffs about their necks. Three or four days after he was settled in these apartments, as he was striking and sporting one morning about the shop, a young lady who lodged in the house came downstairs and accosted her mistress in the following terms. I want to see some ribbons, if you please, madame, to match my blue gown, for Lady Bab Frightful is to call upon Mama this evening to carry us to the play, to see Otheller whore of Venus, which they say is one of the finest plays that ever was acted. Yes, really, mem, tis a very engaging play to be sure, replied the milliner. Indeed I think it one of the masterpieces of the English stage, but you mistake a little, I fancy miss, in the naming of it, for Shakespeare I believe wrote it Othello whore of Venus. Venus, mem, is a famous town or city somewhere or other, where Othello runs away with a rich heiress in the night time and marries her privately at the fleet. By very odd luck he was created Lord High Admiral that very night, and goes out to fight the Turks, and takes his wife along with him to the wars. And there, mem, he grows jealous of her, only because she happens to have lost a handkerchief, which he gave her when he came according to her. It was a muslin handkerchief, mem, spotted with strawberries, and because she can't find it, he beats her in the most unmerciful manner, and at last smothers her between two feather beds. Does he indeed? cries the young lady. Well, I hate a jealous man of all things in nature. A jealous man is my particular aversion. But howsoever, no matter what the play is, you know, mem, we do but see it, for the pleasure of a play is to show one's self in the boxes, and see the company, and all that. Yes, mem, this here is the sort of ribbons I want, only if you please to let me see some of a paler blue. While the milliner was taking down some fresh band boxes, the young lady turning around happened to spy Pompey in a corner of the shop. Oh, heavens! cries she, as soon as she cast her eyes upon him. What a delightful little dog is there! Pray, dear Mrs. Pincushion, do tell me how long you have been in possession of that charming little beauty. Mrs. Pincushion replied that he had been in her possession about a week, and was given her by a lady of celebrated beauty whom she had the honor of serving. Well, if I am not amazed to think how she could part with him, cries the young lady. Sure, mem, she must be a woman of no taste in the world, for I never saw anything so charmingly handsome since the hour I was born. Pray, dear Mrs. Pincushion, what is his name? Being informed that he was called Pompey, she snatched him up in her arms, kissed him with great transport, and poured forth the following torrent of nonsense upon him. Oh, you sweet little Pompey, you most delightful little Pompey, you dear heavenly jewel, you most charming little parakeet. I will kiss you, you little beauty. I will, I will, I'll kiss you and hug you and kiss you to death. Then turning again to the milliner, dear Mrs. Pincushion, added she, you must give me leave to carry him upstairs to show him to Papa and Mama, for in all my days I never beheld so divine a creature. Being now served with her blue ribbons, and having received the milliner's consent to her request, she flew upstairs in all imaginable haste with the dog in her arms. But before we relate the reception she met with, let us prepare the reader with a short description of her parents. Sir Thomas Frippery, the father of this young lady, had formerly enjoyed a little post in Queen Anne's Court, which entitled him to a knighthood in consequence of his office, though the salary of it was very inconsiderable, and by no means equal to the grandeur he affected. On the death of the Queen he lost this employment, and was obliged to retire into the country, where he gave himself the heirs of a minister of state, set up for an oracle of politics, and endeavored to persuade his country neighbors that he had been very intimate with Lord Oxford, and very deep in the transactions of those times. The same ridiculous vanity pursued him through every article of his life, and though his estate is known hardly to amount to three hundred pounds a year, he labored to make people believe that it exceeded as many thousands. For this purpose, whatever he was obliged to do out of frugality, he was sure to put off with a pretense of taste, and always disguised his economy under the mask of fashion and the mode. For instance, when he laid down his coach, he boasted everywhere how much better it was to hire job horses as occasion required than to run the hazard of accidents by keeping them. That coachmen were such villainous rascals it was impossible to put any confidence in them, that going into dirty stables to overlook their management and treading up to one's knees in horse-dung was extremely disagreeable to people of fashion, and therefore for his part he had laid down his coach to avoid the trouble and anxiety of keeping horses. When his country neighbors dined with him, whose ignorance he thought he could impose on, he would give them alderwine and swear it was hermitage, call a gammon of bacon a bayon ham, and put off the commonest homemade cheese for the best parmesan that ever came into England, which he said had been sent him as a present by a young noble man of his acquaintance then on his travels. About once in three years he brought his wife and family to town, which served for matter of conversation to them during the two intermediate years that were spent in the country, and they looked forward to the winter of pleasure with as much rapture and expectation as the reverend Mr. Whitten and some other Christians do their millennium. During the time of his residence in London, Sir Thomas every morning attended the levies of ministers to beg the restitution of his old place or an appointment to a new one, which he said he would receive with the most grateful acknowledgments and discharge in any manner they should please to prescribe. Yet whether it was that his majesty's ministers were insensible of his merits or could find no place suited to his abilities, the unhappy night profited little by his court attendance and might as well have saved himself the expense of a triennial journey to London. But though these expeditions did not increase his fortune, they added much to his vanity, and he returned into the country new laden with stories to amuse his ignorant neighbors. He talked of his good friend, my good Lord Blank, with the greatest familiarity, and related conversations that had passed at the Duke of Blank's table with as much circumstance and peculiarity as if he had been present at them. The last article of vanity we shall mention were his clothes, which gives the finishing stroke to his character, for he chose rather to wear the rags of old finery, which had been made up in the reign of Queen Anne, than to submit to plain clothes of a modern make in fashion. He fancied the poor people in his neighborhood were to be odd with the sight of tarnished lace, and wherever he went the gold fringe fell from his person so plentifully that you might at any time trace his footsteps by the relics of finery which he left behind him. Lady Frippery, his accomplished spouse, did not fall short of her husband in any of these perfections, but rather improved them with new graces of her own. For having been something of a beauty in her youth, she still retained all the scornful heirs in languishing disdain which she had formerly practiced to her dying lovers. They had one only daughter, who having been educated all her life at home under her parents, was now become a masterpiece of folly, vanity, and impertinence. She had not one gesture or motion that was natural. Her mouth never opened without some ridiculous grimace. Her voice had learned a tone and accent foreign to itself. Her eyes squinted with endeavoring to look alluring, and all her limbs were distorted with affectation. Yet she fancied herself so well bred, genteel, and engaging that it was impossible for any man to look on her without admiration and was always talking about taste and the mode. It happened now to be the London winter with this amiable family, and they were crowded into scanty lodgings on a milliner's first floor, consisting only of a dining-room, a bed-chamber, and a closet. The dining-room was set apart for the reception of company. Sir Thomas and his lady took possession of the chamber, and Miss slept in a little tent-bed occasionally stuffed into the closet. Such was the family, to whom our hero was now to be introduced. There is nothing more droll and diverting than the morning dresses of people who, being exceedingly poor and yet exceedingly proud, affect to make a great figure with a very little fortune. The expense they were at abroad obliges them to double their frugality at home. And as their cheap happiness consists in displaying themselves to the eye of the world, consequently when they are out of its eye, nothing is too dirty or too ragged for them to wear. Now as nobody ever had the vanity of appearance more than the family we have been describing, it will be easily believed that in their own apartments behind the scenes of the world they did not appear to the greatest advantage. And indeed there was something so singularly odd in their dress and employments at the moment our hero was presented to them that we cannot help endeavoring to set their image before the reader. Sir Thomas was shaving himself before a looking-glass in his bed-chamber, habited in the regs of an old nightgown which about thirty years before had been red damask. All his face and more than half his head were covered with soap suds, only on his crown hung a flimsy green silk nightcap made in the shape of a sugar loaf. He had on a very dirty night-shirt richly tinctured with perspiration, for he had slept in it a fortnight, and over this a much dirtier ribbed dimity waistcoat which had not visited the wash tub for a whole twelve-month past. To finish his picture, he wore on his feet a pair of darned blue satin slippers, made out of the remnants of one of his wife's petticoats. So much for Sir Thomas, close by him sat his lady combing her hoary locks before the same looking-glass and dressed in a short bed-gown which hardly reached down to her middle. A night shift which likewise had almost forgot the washing tub shrouded the hidden beauties of her person. She was without stays, without a hoop, without ruffles, and without any linen about her neck to hide those redundant charms which age had a little in brown. This was their dress and attitude when their daughter burst into the room and earnestly called upon them to admire the beauties of a lap-dot. Her sudden entrance alarming them with the expectation of some mighty matter, Sir Thomas in turning hastily around had the misfortune to cut himself with his razor, which putting him in a passion when he came to know the ridiculous occasion of all this hurry. Pox, take the girl, cries he. Get away, child, and don't interrupt me with your lap-dogs. I am in a hurry here to go to court this morning, and you take up my time with silly tiddle-tattle about a lap-dog. Do you see here, foolish girl? You have made me cut myself with your ridiculous nonsense. Get away, I tell you. What a figure do you think I shall make at the levees with such a scar upon my face? Bless me, Papa, cries the young lady. I protest I am vastly sorry for your misfortune, but I am sure you'll forgive if you will but look on this delightful heavenly little jewel of a dog. Done, your little jewel of a dog, replies the night. Prithee, stand out of my way. I tell you I am in a hurry to go to court, and therefore Prithee, don't trouble me with your welps and your puppy-dogs. Oh, monstrous! How can you call him such cruel names? cries the daughter. I am amazed at you, Papa, for your want of taste. How can any living creature be so utterly void of taste as not to admire such a beautiful little monkey? Do, dear mama, look at him. I am sure you must admire him, though Papa is so shamefully blind and so utterly void of all manner of taste. Why, sure, my dear, you are mad today, replied the mother. One would think you was absolutely fuddled this morning. Taste indeed. I declare you are void of all manner of understanding whatever your taste may be to interrupt us thus when you see we are both in a hurry to be dressed. Prithee, girl, learn a little decency in good manners before you pretend to talk of taste. The young lady being reprimanded thus on both sides began to look extremely foolish when a servant entered to inform them that Mr. Chase was in the dining-room. I, I, go! cries Sir Thomas. Go and entertain him with your taste until I am able to wait on him. Tell Mr. Chase I happen unfortunately to be dressing, but I'll be with him in a moment of time. Miss Frippery then, muttering some little scorn, hurried into the next room with the dog in her arms to see if she could not persuade her lover, for so he was, to discover more taste than her parents. And here indeed she had better success, for this gentleman, who was a great sportsman and foxhunter, was consequently a great connoisseur in dogs. He was likewise what is called a very pretty young fellow about town, and had a taste so exactly correspondent with that of a lady that it is no wonder they agreed on the same objects of admiration. Here follows his character. Mr. Chase, usually called Jack Chase among his intimates, possessed in a state of 1500 pounds a year, which was just sufficient to furnish him with a variety of riding frocks, jockey boots, Kevin Huller hats, and coach whips. His great ambition was to be deemed a gemmy fellow, for which purpose he appeared always in the morning in a new market frock, decorated with a great number of green, red, or blue capes. He wore a short bob wig, neat buck's skin breeches, white silk stockings, and carried a cane switch in his hand. He kept a feit on chaise and four bay cattle, a stable of hunters, and a pack of hounds in the country. The reputation of being a coachman and driving a set of horses with skill, or in his own phrase, doing his business clean, he esteemed the greatest character in human life and thought himself seated on the very pinnacle of glory when he was mounted up in a high chase at a horse race. New Market had not a more active spirit where he was frequently his own jockey and boasted always as a singular accomplishment that he did not ride above eight stone and a half. Though he was a little man and not very healthy in his constitution, he desired to be thought capable of the greatest fatigue, and was always laying wagers of the vast journeys he could perform in a day. He had likewise an ambition to be esteemed a man of consummate debauch, and endeavored to persuade you that he never went to bed without first drinking three or four bottles of claret, lying with as many whores, and knocking down as many watchmen. In the mornings, he attended Dr. Brotin's amphitheaters, and in the evenings, if he was drunk in time, which indeed he seldom failed to be, he came behind the scenes of the playhouse in the middle of the third act, and there heroically exposed himself to the hisses of the galleries. Whenever he met you, he began constantly with describing his last night's debauch, or related the arrival of a new whore upon the town, or entertained you with the exploits of his bay cattle. And if you declined conversing with him on these three illustrious subjects, he swore you as a fellow of no soul or genius, and ever afterwards shunned your company. Having a hunting-seat in the neighborhood of Sir Thomas Frippery, he often visited in the family of that worthy knight, and at last made proposals of marriage to the young lady, which were favorable enough received as well by her as her parents, who, it must be confessed, had a very laudable regard for Mr. Chase's estate. To this gemmy young gentleman, who was now seated in Sir Thomas's dining-room, Miss Frippery came running with the dog in her arms, and much-sparkling conversation passed between them, which perhaps might not be unentertaining if we were to relate it. But as it turned wholly upon polite taste in dress and the mode, we confess ourselves unequal to so difficult and delicate a task. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. We shall then pass over this conversation in the morning and another of equal brilliancy in the evening at the play of Ortheller Hora Venus, being in haste to describe an event which engrossed the attention of this accomplished family for a fortnight, and was a matter of conversation to them for a year afterwards. Lady Frippery, in imitation of other ladies of rank and quality, was ambitious of having a drum, though the smallness of her lodgings might well have excused her from attempting that modish piece of vanity. A drum is at present the highest object of female vain glory. The end whereof is to assemble as large a mob of quality as can possibly be contained in one house, and great are the honors paid to that lady who can boast of the largest crowd. For this purpose, a woman of superior rank calculates how many people all the rooms in her house laid open can possibly hold, and then sends out two months beforehand among the people one knows to bespeak such a number as she thinks will fill them. Hence great emulations arise among them, and the candidates for this honor sue as eagerly for visitors as candidates for parliament do for votes at an election. For as it sometimes happens that two ladies pitch upon the same evening for raising a riot, to as necessary they should beat up in time for volunteers, otherwise they may chance to be defrauded of their numbers, and one of them lie under the ignominy of collecting a mob of a hundred only, while the other has the honor of assembling a well-dressed rabble of three or four hundred, which of course breaks the heart of that unfortunate lady who comes off with this immoral disgrace. Now as the actions of people of quality are sure of being copied, hence it comes to pass that ladies of inferior rank, resolving to be in fashion, take upon them likewise to have drums in imitation of their superiors. Only there is this difference between the two orders that the higher call nothing but a crowd a drum, whereas the lower often give that name to the commonest parties, and for the sake of honor call an ordinary visit as assembly. This was the case with Lady Frippery. Her acquaintance in town was very small, and it seemed improbable that she could assemble above a dozen people at most without making any allowance for colds, headaches, vapors, hysteric fits, fevers upon the spirits, and other female indispositions. Yet still she resolved to have a drum, and the young lady seconded her momma's inclination so vehemently that Sir Thomas was obliged to comply. From the moment this great event was resolved on, all their conversations turned upon it, and it was pleasant to hear the schemes and contrivances they had about it. Their first and principal care was to secure Lady Bab Frightful, the chief of Lady Frippery's acquaintance, whose name was to give a luster to the assembly. Now Lady Bab, being one of the quality, it was possible she might have a previous engagement unless she was taken in time, and therefore a card was dispatched to her in the first place to bespeak her for such an evening, and it was resolved that if any cross-accident prevented her coming, new measures should be taken, and the drum be deferred till another night. Lady Bab returned for answer that she would wait on Lady Frippery if her health permitted. This dubious kind of message puzzled them in the strangest manner, and was worse than a denial. For without Lady Bab it was impossible to proceed. Without Lady Bab the assembly would make no figure, and yet they were obliged to run the hazard of her not coming in consequence of her answer. Every day, therefore, they sent to inquire after her health, and their hopes rose or fell according to the word that was brought them. Till on the day before the drum was to be held, a most calamitous piece of news arrived, that Lady Bab was disabled by her surgeon, who in cutting her toenail had made an incision in her flesh, yet still she promised to be with them if it was possible for her to hobble abroad. No language can describe the damp which this fatal message struck into the whole family, but they were obliged to submit with patience, and as a glimpse of hope still remained they had nothing left but to put up their prayers for Lady Bab's recovery. At length the important evening arrived that was to decide all their expectations and fears. Many consultations had been held every day that things might be perfect and in order when the time came. Yet not withstanding all their precautions, a dispute arose almost at the last moment whether Lady Frippery was to receive her company at the top or bottom of the stairs. This momentous question began a warm debate. Her ladyship and Miss contended resolutely for the top of the stairs, Sir Thomas for the bottom, and Mr. Chase, who was present, observed a neutrality. At length, after a long altercation, the knight was obliged to submit to a majority of voices, though not without condemning his wife and daughter for want of politeness. My dear, said he, taking a pinch of snuff with great vehemence, I am amazed that you can be guilty of such a solicism in breeding. It surprises me that you are not sensible of the impropriety of it. Will it not show much greater respect and complacence to meet your company at the bottom of the stairs than to stand like an Indian queen receiving homage at the top of them? Yes, my dear, said her ladyship, but you know my territories do not commence till the top of the stairs. Our territories do not begin below stairs, and it would be very improper for me to go out of my own dominions. Don't you see that, my dear? I am surprised at your want of comprehension today, Sir Thomas. Well, well, I have given it up, answered he. Have your own way, child, have your own way, my lady, and then you'll be pleased, I hope. But I am sure in my days people would have met their company at the bottom of the stairs. When I and Lord Oxford were in the ministry together, affairs would have been very different, but the age has lost all its civility, and people are not half so well-bred as they were formerly. This reflection on modern times peaked the daughter's vanity, who now began to play her part in the debate. Yes, Papa, said she, but what signifies what people did formerly? That is nothing at all to us at present, you know, for, to be sure, all people were fools formerly. I always think people were fools in former days. They never did anything as we do nowadays, and therefore it stands to reason they were all fools and idiots. To his very manifest, they had no breeding, and all the world must allow, that the world never was so wise and polite and sensible and clever as it is at this moment. And for my part, I would not have lived in former days for all the world. Poo! said the knight, interrupting her. You are a little illiterate monkey. You talk without book, child. The world is nothing to what it was in my days. Everything is altered for the worse. The women are not so near as handsome. None of you are comparable to your mothers. Nay, there, said Lady Frippery, interposing. There, Sir Thomas, I entirely agree with you. There you have my consent with all my heart. To be sure, all the celebrated girls about town are mere doughties in comparison of their mothers. And if there could be a resurrection of beauties, they would shine only like Bristol Stones in the company of diamonds. Bless me, Mama, cried the young lady, with the tears standing in her eyes. How can you talk so? There never were so many fine women in the whole world as there are now in London, and tis enough to make one burst out of crying to hear you talk. Come, Mr. Chase, why don't you stand up for us modern beauties? In the midst of this conversation, there was a violent rap at the street door, whereupon they all flew to the window, crying out eagerly. There, there is Lady Bab. I am sure tis Lady Bab, for I know her footmen's rap. Yet, in spite of this knowledge, Lady Bab did not arrive according to their hopes, and it seemed as if her ladyship had laid a scheme to keep them in suspense. For of all people who composed this illustrious assembly, Lady Bab came the last. They took care, however, to inform the company from time to time that she was expected, by making the same observation on the arrival of every fresh coach and still persisting that they knew her footmen's rap, though they had given so many proofs to the contrary. At length, however, Lady Bab frightful came, and it is impossible to express the joy they felt in her appearance, which revived them on a sudden from the depth of despair to the highest exaltation of happiness. Her ladyship's great toe engrossed the conversation for the first hour, whose misfortune was lamented in very pathetic terms by all the company, and many wise reflections were made upon the accident which had happened, some condemning the ignorance and others the carelessness of the surgeon, who had been guilty of such a trespass on her ladyship's flesh. Some advised her to be very careful how she walked upon it. Others recommended a larger shoe to her ladyship, and Lady Frippery in particular continued the whole evening to protest the vast obligations she had to her for favouring her with her company under such an affliction. But had I in hundred hands, and as many pens, it would be impossible to describe the folly of that night. Wherefore, begging the reader to supply it by the help of his own imagination, I proceed to other parts of this history. THE HISTORY OF POMPEY THE LITTLE This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. THE HISTORY OF POMPEY THE LITTLE OR THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF A LAP DOG by Francis Coventry, Book 2, Chapter 6, in which several things are touched upon. When this great affair was over, the marriage came next upon the carpet, the celebration of which was fixed for Easter week, but Mr. Chase, recollecting in time that it would interfere with new market races, procured a reprieve till the week following. At his return from those Olympic games, the nuptials were celebrated before a general assembly of their relations, and the happy couple were conducted to bed in public with great demonstrations of joy. The bridegroom took possession of the bride, and Sir Thomas took possession of Mr. Chase's estate. When they had shown their new clothes a little in London, they set out in a body for the country, and in a few days afterwards, the lodgings on the first floor were taken by a lady who passed under the fictitious name of Mrs. Carroll. The hasty manner in which she made her agreement infused a suspicion into our milliner from the very beginning, and many circumstances soon occurred to persuade her that her new lodger was a wife eloped from her husband. For besides that she came into her lodgings late in the evening, she seemed to affect a privacy in all her actions which plainly evidenced that she was afraid of some discovery, and this increased our milliner's curiosity in proportion as the other seemed less inclined to gratify it. But an event soon happened to confirm her conjectures. For three days after the lady's arrival, a chair stopped at the door one evening near ten o'clock from whence alighted a well-dressed man about forty years old, who wrapping himself up in a red cloak, proceeded hastily upstairs as if desirous to conceal himself from observation. This adventure savored so strongly of intrigue that it was no wonder our milliner contrived to meet him in the passage to satisfy her curiosity with a survey of his features, for people in whom that passion predominates often find the greatest consolation from knowing the smallest trifles. Pompey was still more inquisitive than his mistress, and took courage to follow the gentleman into the dining-room with a desire, I suppose, of hearing what passed in so fashionable an interview. The lady rose from her chair to receive this man of fashion, who saluted her with great complacence and hoped she was pleased with her new apartments. Yes, my lord, answered she, the people are civilized people enough, and I believe have no suspicion about me, but did they see your lordship come upstairs? On my honor, ma'am, said the peer, I can't tell. There was a female figure glided by me in the passage, but whether the creature made remarks or not I did not stay to observe. Well, ma'am, I hope now I may give you joy of your escape, and I dare say you will find yourself much happier than you was under the ill usage of a tyrant you despised. The lady then related, with great pleasantry, the manner of her escape and the difficulties that attended the execution of it, after which she concluded with saying, I wonder, my lord, what my husband is now thinking on. Thinking on, answered the peer, that he is a fool and a blockhead, I hope, madame, and deserve to be hanged for abusing the charms of so divine a creature. Good God! Was it possible for him to harbor an ill-natured thought, while he had the pleasure of looking in that angelic face? My lord, said the lady, I know I have taken a very ill step in the eye of the world, but I have too much spirit to bear ill usage with patience, and let the consequences be what they will, I am determined to submit to them rather than be a slave of the ill humours of a man I despised, hated and detested. For bear, madame, said his lordship, to think of him, my fortune, my interest, my sword, are all devoted to your service, and I am ready to execute any command you please to impose on me, but let us call a more agreeable topic of conversation. Soon after this a light but elegant supper was placed upon the table, and the servants were ordered to retire, for there are certain seasons when even the great desire to banish ostentation. The absent husband furnished them with much railery, and they pictured to themselves continually the surprise he would be in when first he discovered his wife's elopement, nor did this man of gallantry and fashion finish his armorous visit till past two o'clock in the morning. As he was going downstairs, he found himself again encountered by the barking of little Pompey, whom he snatched up in his arms, and getting hastily into the chair that waited for him at the door, carried him off with him to his own house. This accomplished person was Lord Marmoset, husband to that lady who was so familiar and intimate with the sharper at bath. He was a man of consummate intrigue, a most fortunate adventurer with the fairer sex, and had the reputation of uncommon success in his amours. What made this success the more extraordinary was that in personal charms he had nothing to boast of. Nature had given him neither a face or a figure to strike the eyes of women, but these deficiencies were abundantly recompensed by a most happy turn of wit, a very brilliant imagination, and extensive knowledge of the world. He had the most insinuating manner of address, the readiest flow of language, and a certain art of laughing women out of their virtue which few could imitate. It was indeed scarce possible to withstand the allurements of his conversation, and what is odd enough, the number of affairs he had been concerned in, were so far from frightening ladies from his acquaintance that on the contrary it was fashionable and modish to cultivate an intimacy with him. They knew the danger of putting themselves in his way, and yet were ambitious of giving him opportunities. The lady we have just now seen with him had been his neighbor in the country, a very handsome woman under the tyranny of an ill-natured husband. This his lordship knew, and concluding that her aversion to her husband would make her an easy prey to a lover, watched every opportunity of being alone with her. In these stolen interviews he employed all his eloquence to seduce her, and won her so much by his flattering representation of things that at length she courageously eloped from her tyrant and put herself into private lodgings under the protection of his lordship. The reader need not be told that this ended in the utter ruin of the lady, who finding her reputation lost and her passionate lover soon growing indifferent, took refuge in citron waters, and by the help of those cordial lenitives of sorrow soon bade adieu to the world and all its cares. End of book 2 chapter 6 book 2 chapter 7 of the history of Pompeii the little this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the history of Pompeii the little or the life and adventures of a lapdog by Francis Coventry book 2 chapter 7 matrimonial amusements when our hero waked the next morning and found himself in new apartments the first thing he did was to piss on a pair of velvet breeches which lay in a chair by his lordship's bedside after which the door being open he traveled forth and performed a much more disreputable action on a rich turkey carpet in my lady's dining room having thus taken possession of his new house by these two acts of season he returned to the bedside and reposed himself again to sleep till his lord should pleased to be stirring about 10 o'clock lord Marmoset raised himself up in the bed and rang his bell for servants to assist him in the fatigue of putting on his clothes the valet and chief immediately attended undrew the curtains and respectfully inquired his master's pleasure in answer to which his lordship signifying that he would get up guiaume folded his stockings placed his slippers by the bedside and was going to present him with his breeches when low the crime our hero had been guilty of stared him full in the face and gave such an air of surprise to his features that his lordship could not help asking what was the matter guiaume then related the misdemeanor at which his master was so far from being angry that he only laughed at the astonishment of his valet and calling the dog upon the bed crest him with as much tenderness as if he had performed the most meritorious action in the world then turning again to his servant what does the booby stare at cries he was such amazement i wish to god the dog had pissed in my mouth pretty get a fresh pair of breeches and let me rise or am i to lie a bed till midnight as soon as he was dressed in his morning disabil he went downstairs to breakfast in which our hero bore him company and had the honor of eating roll and butter in great magnificence when breakfast was over he recollected that it might now be time to send up compliments to his lady which he generally performed every morning and imagining that she would not be displeased with the presence of so pretty a dog here guiaume said he take this little dog and carry him up the stairs to your lady my compliments and desire to know how her ladyship does this morning tell her i found him pox take him i don't know where i found him but he's a pretty little fellow and i am sure she must be pleased with him though the reader must from hence conclude that lord and lady marmes that repose themselves in different beds at night he will not i imagine be surprised at such a circumstance in this accomplished and fashionable age her ladyship was a woman of great wit pleasure and amor as well as her husband only with a little more reserve and caution to save appearances with the world her familiarity with a sharper at bath may have already given the reader some sketch of her character and for the rest it will be only necessary to inform him that she had spent the greatest part of her life in st. james's parish her husband had married her without the temptation of love because she was a rich heiress of a noble family and she had consented to the match with an equal indifference only because it preserved her rank and station in the world in consequence they soon grew totally unconcerned about each other but then being both of easy cheerful timbers their indifferences did not sour into hatred on the contrary they made it a topic of wit and when they met to rally one another in their mutual amours these meetings indeed were not frequent once or twice a week perhaps a dinner at which times they behaved with the utmost politeness and complacence or if they railed it was done with so much gayity and good humor that they only parted with the greater spirits to their evening amusements in short his lordship pursued his pleasures without any domestic expostulations and her ladyship in return was permitted to live in all respects as juvenile expresses it tankwam viscina mariti more like her husband's neighbor than his wife her ladyship was now just awake and taking her morning tea in bed when giame ascended the stairs and knocked at her chamber door the waiting gentle woman being ordered out to see who it was returned immediately to the bedside with a dog in her arms and delivered the message that accompanied him as her ladyship had never in her life discovered any fondness for these four-footed animals she could not conceive meaning of such a present and with some disdain in her countenance ordered the fellow to carry back his puppies to his master but when the servant was gone downstairs be thinking herself that there might be some joke in it but she did not perceive and resolving not to be outdone by her husband in wit she asked her maid eagerly if there was any such thing as a cat in the house a cat my lady cries the waiting gentle woman yes my lady i believe there is such a thing to be found well then said her ladyship go and catch it directly and carry it with my compliments to his lordship let him know i am infinitely obliged to him for his present and have sent him a cat in return for his dog the maid simpered without offering to stir as not indeed conceiving her mistress to be an earnest but having the orders repeated to her she set out immediately to fulfill them after much laughter below stares among the servants a cat at length was catched and the waiting maid went with it in her arms to his lordship's dressing room having wrapped the door and being ordered to enter with a face half blushing and half smiling she delivered hear message in the following terms my lady desires her compliments to your lordship and begs the favor of you to accept of this in return for your dog after which dropping the grave mouser on the floor she was preparing to run away with all haste being ready to burst with laughter but his lordship who is no less diverted called back to her and having entertained himself with many jokes on the occasion sent her upstairs with a fresh message to her mistress this was immediately returned on the part of her ladyship and many little pieces of the railery were carried backwards and forwards which perhaps might not be unentertaining but as we are sensible with what contempt these little incidents will be conceived by the reader if he happens to be a judge a politician or an alterman we shall dwell no longer on them and here put an end to the chapter end of book two chapter seven recording by L. Lambert Lawson book two chapter eight of the history of Pompey the little this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Paige Isinger the history of Pompey the little or the life and adventures of a lap dog by Francis Coventry book two chapter eight not long after this as Lord Marmoset was sitting in his study reading some papers of state with our hero under his chair Guillaume entered the room and informed him that Mr. Reimer the poet was below curse Mr. Reimer the poet and you too for an egregious blockhead cries his lordship why the devil did you let the fellow in tell him his latest political pamphlet it is execrable nonsense and unintelligible jargon and I am not at leisure to see him this morning my lord replied the valet he begged me to present his humble duty to your lordship and to inform you that a small gratuity would be very acceptable at present for it seems his wife is ready to lie in and he says he has not six pins to defray the expenses of her groaning how cries his lordship has that fellow the impudence to be get children the dog pretends here to be starving and yet has the assurance to deal in procreation probably Guillaume what sort of a woman is his wife have you seen her yes my lord answered the trusty valet I have had the honor of seeing the lady but I'm afraid she would have no great temptations for your lordship for the poor gentle woman has the misfortune to squint a little which does not give a very bewitching air to her countenance besides which she has the accomplishment of red hair into the bargain well then cries the pair turn the hound out of doors and bid him go to the devil pox take him and if he had a handsome wife I might be tempted to encourage him a little but how can he expect my favor without doing anything to deserve it then your lordship won't be pleased to send him a small acknowledgement said the valet de chamber no replied the pair I am no money to fling away on poets and hackney writers let the fellow eat his own works if he is hungry hold stay I've thought the better of it here Guillaume take this little dog since my wife won't have him and carry him to the poet my service to the gentleman and desire him to keep it for my sake Guillaume was a man of some little humor which had prompted him to the dignity of first pampin ordinary to his lordship and perceiving that his master had a mind to divert himself this morning with the miseries of an unhappy poet he resolved that the joke should not be lost in passing through his hands taking the dog therefore from his lordship he made haste downstairs and accosted the expecting bard in the following manner sir his lordship is very busy this morning and not at leisure to see you but he speaks very kindly of you and begs you would do him the favor to accept of this beautiful little balona lap dog except of a lap dog cries the poet with astonishment bless me what is the matter surely there must be some mistake mr. Guillaume for I cannot readily conceive of what use a balona lap dog can be to me sir replied the valet de chambre you may depend upon it his lordship had some reason for making you this present which it does not become of us to guess at no said the bard I would not presume to dive into his lordship's councils but really now mr. Guillaume a few guineas in present cash would be rather more serviceable to me than a balona lap dog and more comfortable to my poor wife and children sir said the valet you must not distrust his lordship's generosity great statesman mr. Reimer always do things in a different manner from the rest of the world there is usually something a little mysterious in their conduct but assure yourself sir this dog will be the forerunner of a handsome annuity and it would be the greatest upfront imaginable not to receive him you must never refuse anything which the great esteem of favor mr. Reimer on any account even though it should involve you and your family in everlasting ruin his lordship desired that you would keep the dog for his sake sir and therefore you may be sure he has a particular regard for you when he sends you such a memorial of his affection the unhappy poet finding he could extort nothing from the unfeeling hands of his patron was obliged to retire with the dog under his arms and climbed up in a disconsolate mood to his garret where he found his wife cooking the scrag end of a neck of mutton for dinner the mansions of this son of Apollo were very contracted and one would have thought it impossible for one single room to have served so many domestic purposes but good housewifery finds no difficulties and penury has a thousand inventions which are unknown to ease and wealth in one corner of these poetical apartments stood a flock bed and underneath it a green jordan presented itself to the eye which had collected the nocturnal urine of the whole family consisting of mr. Reimer his wife and two daughters three rotten chairs and a half seemed to stand like traps in various parts of the room threatening downfalls to unwary strangers and one solitary table in the middle of this aerial garret served to hold the different treasures of the whole family there were now lying upon it the first act of a comedy a pair of yellow stays two political pamphlets a plate of bread and butter three dirty nightcaps and a volume of miscellany poems the lady of the house was drowning a neck of mutton as we before observed in meager soup and the two daughters sat in the window mending their father's brown stockings with blue worsted such were the mansions of mr. Reimer the poet which i hardly recommend to the repeated perusal of those unhappy gentlemen who fill in themselves a growing inclination to that mischievous damnable and destructive science as soon as mr. Reimer entered the chamber his wife deserted her cookery to inquire the success of his visit on which the comforts of her lying in so much depended and seeing a dog under her husband's arm bless me my dear said she why do you bring home that filthy creature to eat up our victuals thank heaven we have got more mouths already than we can satisfy and i'm sure we want no addition to our family why my dear answered the poet his lordship did me the favor to present me this morning with this beautiful little balona lap dog present you with a lap dog cried the wife interrupting him what is it you mean mr. Reimer but however i'm glad his lordship was in so bountiful a humor for i'm sure that he's given you a purse of guineas to maintain the dog well avowate was a very genteel way of making a present and i shall love the little fool for his master's sake great men do things with so much address always that one is transported as much with their politeness as their generosity here the unhappy bard shook his head and soon undeceived his wife by informing her of all that had passed in his morning's visit how said she no money with the dog mr. Reimer i'm amazed that you will submit to such usage don't you see that they make a fool and an ass and a laughing stock of you why did you take their filthy dog i'll have his brains dashed out this moment mr. Reimer if you had kept on your tallow channeler shop i in mind should have had wherewithal to live but you must court the dragletail muses for sooth and a fine provision they have made for you here i expect to be brought to bed every day and you have not money to buy pappin caudal oh curse your lords in your political pamphlets i'm sure i have reason to repent the day that ever i'm married a poet madam said mr. Reimer exasperated his wife at his wife's conversation you ought rather to bless the day that married you to a gentleman who sold his spies as mechanical trades and is devoted to the noblest science in the universe poetry madam like virtue is its own reward but you have a vulgar notion of things you have an illiberal attachment to money and had rather be frying grease in a tallow channeler shop than listening to the divine rhapsodies of the helleconian maids just true madam his lordship has not recompensed my labors according to expectation this morning but what of that he bid me proceed in the execution of my design an undoubtedly means to reward me lords are often destitute of cash as well as poets and perhaps i came upon him a little unseasonably when his coffers were empty but i auspicate great things from his present of a dog a dog madam is the emblem of fidelity the emblem of a fiddle stick cried the wife interrupting him i told you mr. Reimer you are a fool and have ruined your family by your senseless whims and projects a gentleman quota yes for sooth a very fine gentleman truly that is hardly a shirt to his back or a pair of shoes to his feet look at your daughters they're in the window and see whether they appear like a gentleman's daughters and for my part i have not an under petty coat that i could wear you have had three plays damned mr. Reimer and one would think that might have taught you a little prudence but do fetch me if you shall write any more for i'll burn all this nonsense that lies upon the table so saying she flew like a back and i'll fury at his works and with savage hands was going to commit them to the flames had she not been interrupted by her husband's voice crying out with impatience see see see my dear the pot boils over the broth it's running away into the fire this luckily put an end to their altercation and postponed the sacrifice that was going to be made they then sat down to dinner without a tablecloth and made a wretched meal envying one another every morsel that escaped their own mouths and his highly probable poor Pompey would soon have fallen a sacrifice to hunger and been served up at mr. Reimer's poetical table had not an accident luckily happened to relieve him from this scene of misery squalidness and posy end of book two chapter eight book two chapter nine of the history of Pompey the little this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox dot org this recording is by page isinger the history of Pompey the little or the life and adventures of a lapdog by francis coventry book two chapter nine after dinner was over mr. Reimer sat himself down to an epic poem which was then on the anvil and his head not being clouded with any fumes of indigestion he worked at it very laboriously till eight or nine o'clock in the evening then he took his hat and went out to meet a club of authors who assembled every monday night at a little dirty dog hole of a tavern in charlaine to eat tripe drink porter and pass their judgments on the books of the preceding week Pompey waited on his master for as mrs. Reimer had resolutely vowed his destruction the good-natured bard did not choose to leave him at her mercy on their arrival in the club room they found their assembled a free thinking writer of a moral essays a no-thinking scribbler of magazines a scotch translator of greek and latin authors a grub street bookseller and a fleet parson these worthy gentlemen immediately surrounded mr. Reimer with great vociferation and began to curse him for staying so long declaring it would be entirely his fault if the tribe was spoiled which they very much feared to prevent which however they now ordered it to be served up with all possible expedition and on its appearance fell to work with the quickest dispatch the reader will believe that little or no conversation passed among them at table their mouths being much too busily employed to have any leisure for discourse but when the tripe was quite consumed and innumerable slices of toasted cheese at the end of it then they began to exercise their tongues as readily as they had before done their teeth by odd luck every one of these great advances of modern literature happened to have a dog attending him and as the gentleman drew around the fire after supper in a ring the dogs likewise made an interior semicircle sitting between the legs of their respective masters this could not escape the observation of the company and many trite reflections began to be made on their fidelity their attachment to man and above all on the felicity of their condition for a dog sleeping before a fire is by all people esteemed an emblem of complete happiness at length they struck into a higher conversation gentleman says the free thinker I should be glad to hear your sentiments concerning reason and instinct I have a curious treatise now by me which I designed very soon to astonish the world with Tis upon a subject perfectly new and those dogs there put me in the head of it the cladgy I know would be up in arms against me but no matter I'll publish my opinions in spite of all the priests in Europe here the fleet person thinking himself concerned took his pipe from his mouth with great deliberation and said I don't know what your opinions may be but I hope you don't design to publish anything to the disadvantage of that sacred order to which I belong if you do sir I believe your find depends enough ready to answer you yes sir no doubt I will replied the free thinker and who cares for that perhaps you sir may do me the honor to be my antagonist but I defy you all I defy the whole body of the priesthood sir I love to advance a paradox I love a paradox at my heart sir and I'll I'll show you some sport to very shortly what do you mean by sport sir cries the doctor if you write as you talk I hope you'll be setting the pillory for your sport you are bloody complacent sir returned the free thinker but I'd have you to know we are not come to such a pass yet in this country as the persecute people for searching after truth you priests I know would be glad to keep us all in ignorance but the age won't be priest ridden any longer there is a noble spirit and freedom of inquiry now subsisting in the nation people are determined to canvas things freely and go to the bottom of all subjects without regarding base prejudices of education the shops are bound with a number of fine treatises written every day against religion to the honor and glory of the nation to its shame and damnation rather cries the fleet person but what is your paradox sir why this is my paradox sir replied the free thinker I undertake to prove that roots think and have intellectual faculties that perhaps you'll say is no novelty because many others have asserted the same thing before me but I go farther sir and maintain that they are reasonable creatures our moral and gents and I will maintain that they are mere machines cries the person against you and all the atheists in the world sir you may be ashamed to prostitute the noble faculty of reason to the beasts of the field don't tell me a reason said the free thinker I don't care one half penny for reason what is reason sir what is reason sir resumed the doctor why reason sir is a most noble faculty of the soul the noblest of all the faculties it desons and abstracts and compares and compounds in all that and roasts eggs too does it not you forgot one of its noble faculties cries the other but I will maintain that roots are capable of reason and that they have given manifest proofs of it did you never hear of mr. Locke's parrot sir that held a very rational conversation with prince Maurice for half an hour what say you to that sir by my faith gentlemen said the scotch translator interrupting them upon my word you are got here into a very deep mysterious question which I do not very well understand what to make of but by my faith I have always thought roots to have something particular in their intellectual faculties of their souls ever since I read what the Harlem there the roman historian for why you know he tells us how the geese discovered to the romans that the girls were coming to plunder the capital now by my soul they must have been a damn sensible flock of geese and very great lovers of their country too which let me tell you is the greatest virtue under heaven besides does not Homer teaches that Ulysses dog Argus knew his old master at his return home after he'd been absent 10 or 12 years at the seas of Troy now by jove he was a plaguey cunning dog and had a devilish good memory otherwise he could not have remembered his old crony so long before the scotchmen had finished his speech the two other disputants whose spirits were kindled with controversy resumed their argument and fell upon one another again with so much impetuosity that no voices could be heard but their own the scene which now ensued consisted chiefly of noise and scolding equal to anything that passes among the orators at robin hoods ale house in short there was not a scurrilous term in the english language which was not vented on this occasion till at length the fleet parson heated with rage and beer flung his pipe at his antagonist and was proceeding to blows had he not been restrained by the rest of the company the festivity of the evening being by this means destroyed the club soon afterwards broke up and the several members of it retired to their several garrets as mr. rhymer was walking home in a pensive solitary mood wrapped up in contemplation on the stars of heaven and perhaps forgetting for a few moments that he had but three pence half penny in his pocket two young gentlemen of the town who were upon the hunt after amorous game followed close at his heels they quickly smoked him for a queer fish as the phrase is and began to hope for some diversion at his expense the moon now shone very bright and mr. rhymer whose eyes were fixed with rapture on that glorious luminary began to apostrophize her in some poetical strains from milton which he repeated with great emphasis allowed in the midst of this the two gentlemen broke out in a profuse fit of laughter at which the bard turned around and surprised but soon recovering himself he cast a most contemptuous look at them for their ignorance and one of taste however as the chain of ideas in his mind was by this means disturbed he thought it most advisable to make the best of his way home and for that purpose called Pompey to follow him Pompey indeed made many efforts and seemed desirous to obey but in vain the poet called in vain the dog endeavor to follow and it was a long while before mr. rhymer whose thoughts were a little muddled with contemplation and porter found out that the two gentlemen had tied a handkerchief around his neck he then stopped to demand his property but finding himself pretty roughly handled he began to think his own person in danger taking to his heels therefore he ran away with the utmost precipitation and left his dog behind him who on his part was not at all sorry to be delivered from such a master end of book to chapter nine book to chapter 10 of history of pulpy the little this is a livery box recording all livery box recordings are in the public domain for more information at the volunteer please visit livery box dot org recording by Brianna Walsh the history of pulpy the little or the life and adventures of a laptop by Francis Coventry book to chapter 10 our hero goes to the University of Cambridge from the street where this bright happened our hero was introduced to a bag near for the two young gentlemen his new masters spent their night in the delights of love and the next morning he sat out with one of them the University of Cambridge the young can tab who now took possession of him had come up to London upon a scheme as it is called treat himself with a mass grade and other diversions of the town for being a gentleman of a lively and surprising temper he could not broke the door restraints of the colleague at life and seldom resided there about three or four days in time he had received the first part of his education at Westminster school where he had acquired what is usually called a very pretty knowledge of the town it is to say he had been introduced at the age of 13 to the most noted bag news was acquainted with the most celebrated women of pleasure and could drink his two bottles of chlorine in an evening without being disordered in his understanding at the age of 17 it was judged proper for him really out of fashion and to be like other young gentlemen of his acquaintance to take lodgings at a university whether he went with a hearty contempt of the place and a determined resolution never to receive any profit from it he had been admitted under a tutor who knew no more of the world than if he hadn't bred up in a forest and whose sour pedantic genius was ill qualified to cope with the vivacity and spirit of a young gentleman warm in the pursuit of pleasure and one who required much address and very artful management making you kind of restraint palpable and easy to him he had been admitted in the rank of a fellow commoner which according to the definition given by a member of the university in a court of justice is one who sits at the same table and enjoys the conversation with the fellows differs from what is called the gentleman commoner at oxford huddling in the name but also in the greater privileges and licenses indulged in members of this order who do not only enjoy the conversation with the fellows but likewise of the liberty of following their own imagination and everything press tutors and governors of colleges have usually pretty sequocious notions after preferment they think it apologetic across the inclinations of young gentlemen who are heirs to great estates and from whom they expect benefits and dignities hereafter as rewards for their want of care of them while they were under their protection a mentor comes to pass that pupils of this rank are excused from all public exercises and allowed to upset themselves at pleasure from the private lectures in their tutors rooms as often as they have made a party for hunting or an engagement at the tennis court or an outwell recovered from their evening stay bunch and whilst a poor unhappy staff of no fortune is often expelled from the most trivial offenses or merely to a humor of the capricious resentment of his tutor who happens to dislike his face young noblemen and heirs of great estates may commit any illegalities and if they please overturn a college with impunity there's nothing so wild and ungovernable it's a boy just broke loose from school taking his first flight of liberty at a university this is the case with those who've been bred up at private schools under some restraint but as the poppy's master his school education had set him very forward in the world and he came to Cambridge much riper than other people leave it from the first moment he distinguished himself for his interpret spirit and was quickly chosen captain general by his comrades and all their parties of pleasure and expeditions of jollity many pranks are recorded of his performing which made the plays resound with his name for one of his exploits being attended with circumstances of very drawl nature we cannot forebear retelling there was in the same college a young master of arts William by name who had been elected into the society in preference to one of greater genius and learning because he used to make a lower bow to the fellows whenever he passed by them there was not likely to disgrace any of the seniors by the superiority of his arts the gentleman concluding now there was no further occasion of study after he had obtained a fellowship which he had long been the object of his ambition gave himself over to pursuits more agreeable to his temper spent the chief of his time drinking tea with Barbara's daughters and other young ladies of fashion in the university who there take themselves leave of business receive embarrassed gowns men at their rule is for nothing more is necessary to accomplishing a lady at Cambridge and a second hand capuchin a white wash and gown a pair of dirty silk shoes and a long Muslim ruffles in which dress they take the air and the public walks every Sunday to make conquests and receive their admirers all the rest of the week at their tea tables now Williams having a great deal of dangling good nature about him was very successful in winning the affections these academical misses and had a large acquaintance among them the three miss Higgins's his mother kept the sun tavern this Polly Jackson a baker's daughter the celebrated Fanny Hill sole heiress of a tailor and missed Jenny of the coffee house we're all agreed my arse of our college gallon and fame reported that he had admission to some of their bed chambers as well as their tea table on this presumption our young fellow cometer laid his head together with other young gentlemen his comrades to play a trick which we now proceed to disclose about this time a bed maker of the college was unfortunately brought to bed without having any husband to father the child and as our master of arts was suspected one others have had a share on the generation of the newborn infant being a gentleman of an amorous nature he occurred to our fellow commoner to make a following experiment upon him as mr. Williams was coming out of his chamber one morning early to go to chapel found a basket standing at his door on the top of the staircase the direction to himself and a letter tied to the handle of the basket he stood some little time guessing from whom such a gift should come but as he had expected a parcel from London by the coach for a week before he naturally concluded this to be the same and that had been brought by a porter from the inn and left at his door before he was awake in the morning at this thought he opened the letter and read to the following effects honorable sir and surprised should use me in such a manner have never seen one farther than ever money since was brought to bed which is a shame and a wicked sin therefore have sent you your own bastard to provide for and have your dutiful servant to commit his own death Betty trolley the astonishment which seized our master of arts at the very result of his letter to easily be imagined but not so easily described he turned pale staggered and looked like bank wheels ghosts in the play but as his conscience excused him from the crime and his charge he resolved as soon as his confusion would suffer him to resolve to make a public example of the wretch had dared to layer inequities at his door at this end as soon as chapel was over he desired the master of college to convene all the fellows in the common room recently had to bear a great consequence to live before them when the Reverend Divin was met according to his desire he produced the basket it was an audible voice read the letter which had been a next to it after which he made a long oration on the unparalleled impedance of the harlot but attempted to scandalize him in this audacious manner we concluded with desiring the most exemplary punishment might be affected on her praise that unless they discourage such a piece of villainy with proper severity and might hear after me their own lots if they were remiss in punishing the present offender they all heard him with great astonishment and many of them seemed to rejoice inwardly at the basket had not traveled to their doors as thinking perhaps it would have been unfatherly and unnational to have refused to admittance at length it was ordered to be unpacked which was performed by the butler of the college in presence of the whole fraternity when low instead of a child pulling and crying for his father a left Pompey the little hero of this little history would been enclosed in the always the air confinement of his young master and conveyed very early in the morning to mr. Williams chamber door the grave assembly were astonished and arranged at the discovery finding themselves convened only to be ridiculed and all of them gazed on our hero with the same kind of respect bested the daughters of sea crops on the deformed eryconias when their curiosity tempted them to peep into the basket which Minerva had put into their hands with positive commands to the contrary end of book 2 chapter 10 recording by Brianna Walsh melda mess Jesus book 2 chapter 11 of the history of Pompey the little this as a liberal vox recording all liberal vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liberal vox.org the history of Pompey the little or the life and adventures of laptop by Francis Coventry book 2 chapter 11 chapter 11 adventures at Cambridge Williams the much ashamed and out of countenance was yet in his heart very glad to be relieved from the apprehensions of maintaining a bastard which he imagined would I know great luster to his reputation as fellow of a college when therefore Pompey escaped out of his wicker prison he was in reality pleased with the discovery which put an end to his fears and feigning himself to a verdict with the thing took the little dog home to his own chambers this was an adventure of the comic kind attended with no ill consequences to our hero but we now proceed to relate one of a very tragic nature indeed which fortune seems to have reserved in store as the utmost stretch of remalice to complete the miseries of his unhappy life there flourished at this college or rather was beginning to flourish a young physician who now stood candidate for fame and practice he had equipped himself with a guilt headed cane a black suit of clothes a wise mysterious face a full bottom flowing peruque and all other externals of his profession so that if according to the inevitable swift the various members of a commonwealth are only so many different suits of clothes this gentleman was amply qualified for the discharge of his office but not choosing to rely totally on his dress to introduce him into business he was willing to add to it a supplemental and as many think superfluous knowledge of his art about this time a member of the university died in great torments of the aliac passion and some peculiarities in his case made a noise among the faculty of Cambridge the theory of this terrible disorder caused by the cessation of the peristaltic motion of the guts our young doctor very well understood but not contending himself with theory only he resolved to go a step further and for this purpose cast his eyes about after some dog intending to dissect him alive for the satisfaction of his curiosity a dog might have been the emblematic animal of esculapius or Apollo with as much propriety as he was of mercury for no creatures i believe have been of more eminent service to the healing tribe than dogs incredible is the number of these animals who have been sacrificed from time to time at the shrines of physics and surgery lectures of anatomy subsist by their destruction ward says mr. pope tried his drop on puppies and the poor and in general all new medicines and experiments of a doubtful nature are sure to be made in the first place on the bodies of these unfortunate animals their very order is one of the chief articles of the materia medica and i am persuaded if the old egyptians had any physicians among them they certainly described him by the hieroglyphic of a dog but not to spend too much time in these conjectures our young doctor had no sooner resolved to satisfy himself concerning the peristaltic motion of the guts than unluckily in an evil hour pompe presented himself to his eye more unluckily for him still neither his master mr. williams nor any of his other college friends happened to be present or within view at this moment macho and therefore very boldly seized him as a victim and conveyed him into a little dark place near his room which he called his cellar and in which he kept his wine there he shut him up for three or four days in the condemned hole while he prepared his surgical instruments and invited some other young practitioners in physics of his acquaintance to be present at our hero's dissection the day being soon appointed for his death the company assembled at their friend's room in the morning at breakfast where much sapient discourse passed among them concerning the operation in hand not material to be now related at length cries the hero of the party come gentlemen we seem i think to have finished our breakfast let us now proceed to business after which the tea things were removed the instruments of dissection placed on the table and the doctor went to his cellar to bring forth the unhappy victim and here good natured reader i am sure it moves like compassion to think that poor pompe after suffering already so many misfortunes must at last be dissected alive to satisfy a physician concerning the parastolic emotion of the guts the case would indeed be lamentable if it had happened but when the doctor came to call him forth to execution to his great surprise no doubt was there to be found he found however something else not entirely to his satisfaction and that was his wine streaming in great profusion about his cellar the truth is our hero being grown desperate with hunger had in his struggles for liberty broke all the bottles and at last forcibly gnawed his way through a deal board that composed one side of the cellar the danger however which he had been in made him sick of universities and he wished earnestly for an accident which soon happened to relieve him from an academic life end of book two chapter 11 book 2 chapter 12 of the history of pompe the little this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org the history of pompe the little or the life and adventures of a laptop by frances coventry book 2 chapter 12 chapter 12 the character of a master of the arts at a university about this time three ladies and a gentleman happened to be returning out of the north and never having seen cambridge were inclined to make it in their way to london the gentleman whom they had been visiting in the country knowing this resolution sent a letter beforehand to mr. williams who had been his fellow collegiate in which he advertised him of the arrival of the party and desired him to be assistant in showing them the curiosities of cambridge and this gives us an opportunity of explaining some further particulars in that gentleman's character being not an uncommon one i believe and either of our universities if we were in a hurry to describe him it might be done effectually in two or three words by calling him a most egregious trifle but as we have leisure to be a little more circumstantial the reader shall be troubled with a day's journal of his actions mr. williams was in the first place a man of the most ponticulous neatness his shoes were always blackened in the nicest manner his wigs were powdered with the exactest delicacy and he would scold his laundress for a whole morning together if he discovered a rye pleat in the sleeve of his shirt or the least speck of dirt on any part of his linen he rose constantly to chapel and proceeded afterwards with great importance to breakfast which moderately speaking took up to two hours of his morning when this was over he amused himself either in pairing his nails or watering two or three orange trees which he kept in his chamber or in tilling a little spot of ground about six feet square which he called his garden or in changing the situation of the few books in his study the spectators were removed into the place of the tatlers and the tatlers into the place of the spectators but generally speaking he drawn his boots immediately after breakfast and rode out for the air having been told that a sedentary life is destructive of the constitution and that too much study impairs the health at his return home he had barely time to wash his hands clean his teeth and put on a fresh powdered wig before the college bell summoned him to dinner in the public hall his afternoons were spent in drinking tea with the young ladies above mentioned who all esteemed him a prodigious genius and were ready to laugh at his wit before he opened his mouth in these agreeable visits he remained till the time of evening chap after which supper succeeded to find him fresh employment from whence he prepared to the coffee house and then to some engagement at a friend's room for the remaining part of the evening by this account of the day's transactions the reader will see how very impossible it was for him to find leisure for study in the midst of so many important invocations yet notwithstanding this great variety of business he made a shift sometimes to play half a tune on the german flute in the morning and once in a quarter of a year took the pains to transcribble a sermon out of various authors another part of his character was a great affection of politeness which is more pretended to in universities where less of it is practiced than in any other part of the kingdom thus mr. williams was always talking of gentile life to which end he was plentifully provided with stories by a female cousin who kept a milliner's shop in london and never failed to let him know by letters what passed among the great though she frequently mistook the names of people and attributed scandal to one lord which was their property of another her cousin however did not find out the mistakes but retailed her blunders about the colleges with great confidence and security but nothing pleased him more than showing the university to strangers and especially to ladies which he thought gave him an air of acquaintance with the gentile world and on such occasions he would affect to make expensive entertainments which neither his private fortune or the income of his fellowship could afford to this gentleman the party we have spoken of was recommended and he had lived in expectation of their coming for several days together in consequence of his friend's letter at length they arrived and sent him a message from their in desiring the favor of his company at supper this he no sooner received and he posted away with all imaginable dispatch and with many academic compliments welcome them to cambridge nor did he depart to his college till he had made them promise to dine with him at his chambers the seceding day early then the next morning he rose with the lark and held a consultation with the college cook concerning the entertainment for as he had never yet been honored with company of so high a rank he resolved to do what was handsome and send them away with an opinion of his politeness among many other devices he had to be gentile one very well deserves mentioning being of a very academic nature indeed for he was at the expense of purchasing a china vase of a certain shape which sometimes passes under a more vulgar name to set in his bed chamber that if the lady should choose to retire after dinner for the sake of looking at the pattern of his bed or to see the prospect out of his window or from any other motive of curiosity they might have the pleasure of being served in china when these affairs were settled he dressed himself in his best array and went to bid the ladies good morrow as soon as they had breakfasted he conducted them about the university and showed them all the rarities of cambridge they observed that such a thing was very grand that another thing was very neat and that there were a great many books in the libraries which they thought it impossible for any man to read though he was to live as long as matuzola when their curiosity was satisfied and williams had indulged every wish of vanity and being seen to escort ladies about the university and to hand them out of their coach they all retired to his chambers for dinner much conversation passed not worth recording and when the cloth was taken away little pompe was produced on the table for the ladies to admire him they were greatly struck with his beauty and one of them took courage to ask him as a present which the complacent master of arts and his great civility complied with and immediately delivered him into the ladies hands he likewise related the story how he came into his possession which another person perhaps would have suppressed but williams was so transported with his company that he was half out of his wits with joy and his conversation was as ridiculous as his behavior end of book two