 Hello, hello everybody. Welcome back to my channel and welcome to episode 7 of this little podcast series that we're doing over here. I do kind of have a name for it in the back of my mind but I haven't decided if I'm going to go with it or not. So I'm going to keep kind of meditating on that a little bit. I kind of like it but I'm not ready to make that decision yet but I do want to give this some sort of name because I know it's not like a real podcast series so kind of stay tuned for that but it's something that's in the works in the back of my mind. But today we are diving into episode 7 and I know I said it in my last episode that episode 7 would come in like a month or so but I just I don't know. I couldn't wait. I'm really excited to film this video and as you can tell from the title I am going to be sharing with you guys my testimony. And I feel like this might have been a good episode to start off this podcast series with when I uploaded the first one five months ago but at the same time I'm so glad that I didn't film it back then because I have grown and learned so much in the last five months that my testimony has continued to change and evolve and so there are a lot of things that I would have missed out on had I filmed this five months ago. So I feel like I'm in a good place right now to kind of share my testimony. If you're not familiar with what you know a testimony is in this regard it's basically my Christian walk, how I became a Christian right, how it's changed, how it's evolved, how I've gotten to where I am now. So I do have some talking points. As usual I have some notes because there are things that I definitely don't want to forget about. But this video really is just going to be me talking to you. I'm not going to be you know preaching or teaching you anything um at least not intentionally but I'm just going to share. We're just going to talk and I'm going to talk for as long as it takes and I hope that you guys enjoy and who knows maybe you will be able to take something away from my testimony story. So let's go way back in time. I will say I think probably a lot of you do know this but maybe some of you don't. So I will off I will start off with saying that when I'm talking about like my Christian journey, my Christian walk, I will primarily you'll primarily hear me talk about my mom. My dad is very much still in my life. My dad's family is very much in my life but my parents did get divorced when I was about two years old. So if you hear me really just talking about my mom that's why. But I love my dad. So yeah that's kind of where I guess my story starts. So I my parents split up when I was two, lived with my mom primarily but would see my dad like five days a week pretty much every day after school. But I say that to say when I was in middle school my mom did remarry and the man that she married was a Christian and so he I think was kind of like hey like come to church with me kind of deal. Prior to that I mean I was raised Catholic. I did my first communion. I never did what's the other one communion confirmation. I never got to that point because I think you do that when you're older. But I was raised Catholic. So I did first communion. I learned how to do confessions. I learned I went to Sunday school every weekend. So I feel like those beliefs were instilled in me at a young age. So when we started going to Christian churches in middle school it wasn't anything like super new to me. And for the most part like Catholicism and Christianity like believe the same thing. It's just that Christianity is a little less traditional. We have different or you know less traditions and but the beliefs are pretty much the same right I think. So for the most part. So yeah middle school started going to Christian churches but I was young at that point right. I was going just with my with my mom with my family right because that's what I was expected to do. And I remember there was one church we went to where I would go to like the kids classes. So you would stay for like praise and worship with your family. And then after it was over you would get up and you would go to like the kids church while the adults stayed in the main room for the message. And I remember I used to hate it and I don't really know why I hated it. I just I didn't mesh well with a lot of the kids there. I just I just didn't like it. I remember my mom used to get so mad at me. She would be like just go like whoa like what's the big deal. And I would hate it. And sometimes she would let me stay with her. But a lot of times I did go because that's what was expected of me. So this was very very young. This was like 10 11 years old fast forward because nothing really happened too much. Nothing else really happened in that like chapter of my life. But fast forward to the summer I turned 14. I had just graduated eighth grade. I was getting ready to go to high school in September right big girl moves. And this was this is where it all started. I think this is where my journey like really started. My mom and I my mom saw in a commercial on TV I think newspaper TV. I don't know. She saw an ad somewhere for this church. And it was very close to where we lived. She thought it looked nice. She had been looking for another church. And so she said let's go. And I don't fully remember but knowing like me I was probably like oh gosh okay let's go. You know not really looking forward to it. And I was very shy when I was younger. I still can be sometimes I wouldn't say shy but maybe a little more introverted sometimes where I like to sit back and observe. But I've kind of like mostly grown out of that but I used to be like painfully painfully shy. So talking to new people talking to other kids my age wasn't really my thing. But I went. And this is where it all started. Like I said this was the church where eventually once I got over my little shy phase this is where I made friends. Some of them that I still have to this day. A lot of family friends that you know my mom has gotten close to that are now like family to me. These people are still very much in my life. This church was a huge part of the way I turned out and what shaped me as a person. This is where I really started to actually learn about God and in the Bible. And I really like enjoyed my time there. I would go twice a week sometimes more. I would volunteer to be in like the Christmas and Easter productions. I worked behind the scenes. That's where I got into media and directing and studio cameras and that led to the career that I have now outside of YouTube. This place was a huge part of my life. And I went there for 13 years about I still I mean I still consider it like my home church although I haven't been going lately. We'll get into that. But it was a huge part of my life and I will always always be so so thankful for that church and the people that I met there. So like I said I would go every Sunday. I would go every Thursday night to the youth group. It was middle school and high school kids and we would do praise and worship and we would do activities and then there would always be a lesson and for a couple years there like I had this group of like it was like 10 of us and we hung out all the time. We would do sleepovers. We would like we were just like a little like a little family and it was one of the best times in my life really. I do remember I felt um a little like self-conscious sometimes where like I I didn't know much of like the bible. I didn't know bible stories. I didn't know how many books were in the bible. I didn't know who I'm gonna throw out random names. I didn't know who Abraham was. I didn't know who Esther was. I didn't know what the stories were you know like I knew Jonah and the whale and Noah and the Ark like the popular ones but you know they would talk about things or we would play like trivia games in youth group and I'd be like I don't know the answer. So I do remember that um but at the same time like I still I still loved it. I still enjoyed it. I loved being there um and so yeah this is where my my relationship with God really actually started to develop and it felt like a cool thing to do because I was doing it with all my friends that I met there. I was so involved in the church and I loved it. It was like my home away from home. Um in high school I remember all four years of high school we went to this conference this youth group and I our church would send us and it was called acquire the fire if any of you have ever been to and acquire the fire or know what I'm talking about you have to comment down below um we loved it. It was a big I think it was I don't know if it was two or three days but it was I think it was two days big conference one weekend in the spring and you would go it was in a big like a stadium like where you would go to a major concert and they would be praise and worship all these famous Christian bands would be there they would put on skits one year they brought in like a Christian comedian and it was a room of like 24 thousand teenagers just praising God and worshiping as one whole body and I will never forget those years that we went there like amazing experience so many teenagers like giving their life to Christ and and and stuff with that being said though it was it's hard to explain it was almost like like we would come home from that trip and we would be on what we call like on fire for God where you just want to you want to talk about him you want to listen to Christian music like you're just so on fire and so passionate about your Christian walk and your relationship with God and that's a great thing like we would come home we were so excited we wanted to continue to sing all the songs well like looking back now a month or two after the trip that would kind of die down and there are many reasons for that but you know we would kind of the excitement would eventually fade and that happened all four years that that we went um and you know it's because we when you're in church and when you're with your Christian friends especially as a kid it's more so as a kid it shouldn't really be like this in your adult life but as a kid you're with your Christian friends and you're doing the thing and that's like the cool thing to do right but then you go to high school with your friends that maybe aren't of the same faith or don't really care about that stuff and then that stuff starts to occupy your brain more than the other stuff and so being on fire for God and all that that starts to kind of transfer to the back of your brain so yeah that that that passion would eventually kind of die down but I think being in that youth group throughout high school really actually kept me out of a lot of trouble and I will always always be thankful for it I have memories that I will have for the rest of my life um so okay so let's go past high school now graduated high school graduated out of the youth group um I went to college but I ended up commuting to college because I lived so close to the university that I went to it was like a 20 minute drive so I commuted to save money and that meant that I was still home especially on the weekends so I was still going to church which was cool and I think that that also kind of somewhat kept me out of trouble um it kind of kept me more like accountable for things I guess and this is the time where I was really like heavy into volunteering for that my church's media ministry and again led me into the career that I'm in now but so I was going to church pretty much every Sunday still throughout throughout college um and I think that that was very good for me and I actually started volunteering at my church's youth group that I was a part of because I just like didn't want to part with it I don't know it was such a big part of my life and I was still going to church that I was like how can I not be a part of this youth group so I started like volunteering not so much teaching but just lending a helping hand to the teachers that I loved and again that were a huge part of my upbringing the thing here though and I'm gonna be really transparent here was that I was going to church on the weekends but Monday through Saturday I was very much living in the world right I was in college I was going out to the college bars every Friday Saturday pretty much and so I was very like one foot in the world one foot in the church and I will say like looking back now I can feel how I I've felt different than the people that I was going to school with there was something just something different and I know now that it was because that there was there was a calling on my life but you know I was out and I was having fun and like I said I was going to the bars but I was different I didn't want to sleep with someone different every single weekend I didn't want to do a lot of the things that would be like the stereotypical college experience things I just didn't it just it never it never held any interest for me and now like looking back now now it all makes sense but in the time you know and some some of my friends were like they would notice and they'd be like like Sam's different like Sam doesn't want to do that stuff and I'm honestly looking back like I'm so I'm so glad but with that being said I was still I was still going out and I was drinking a lot every Friday every Saturday whereas now like I have a glass of wine and I feel it for like two days but that's because I'm old now but anyway I was like I said very one foot in the world but then I'd show up for church and so I was very I was very lukewarm I was a lukewarm what you call a lukewarm Christian right and I was listening to another podcast her name is Emmy Moore I believe and she was talking about being lukewarm and she said the definition of lukewarm I wrote it down the definition of luke lukewarm is liquid or food that should be hot but isn't it's like it's gone cold it's not it's not as good anymore so it's not even something that's just like lukewarm doesn't just mean like room temperature it means something that should be hot it should be but it's not anymore so now it's not as it's not as fresh think of it as like a cup of coffee that kind of I mean I don't drink coffee but I've heard people say oh my coffee's it got cold it's gross now not to say that I was gross as a person but you know what I mean I should have been hot and I wasn't that's why we call lukewarm Christians lukewarm because that's that's the definition and you know I I don't want to say I put on a good show but I kind of did I mean I'll tell you guys a story and I've never admitted this I don't think ever but I feel like this is important for me to say because I want you guys to know that I don't sit here and try to be perfect I'm this perfect Christian that doesn't do x y z I will never sit here and say that to you when I was this was in 2019 so technically I had graduated college this was the year after I graduated college and I was still again volunteering media ministry church whatever it was st patrick's day weekend 2019 that saturday my friends and I had gone out drank a lot but there I was I set my alarm I used to set my alarm like before going out so that I knew the alarm was set for sunday morning so I could get up and go to church and at the time I remembered thinking wow I'm so proud of myself like look at me like I'm going to the bars but I'm still showing up for church which in hindsight yes at least I was there but it wasn't super genuine for me for a for a while they're going to church was almost like a social thing it wasn't to go and get closer to God it was just because I liked going and I liked seeing people that I loved and you know um that's those are two very different things two very different reasons to want to go to church so this st patrick's day weekend I wake up sunday morning I'm hung over headache stomach probably not feeling great but I get to church I get there on time I was not scheduled to volunteer that day to be on camera I was just there but then I get there and they're like over down a camera person saying would you mind jumping on a camera and I'm like sure all right whatever so I go and the way that this it used to be set up so the cameras were up on these like pedestals so you'd have to walk up a couple steps to get to the camera and you would stand there was no chair there was not you just stood for an hour hour and a half an hour on camera holding the camera so your arms are locked your feet are locked it's very it's very uncomfortable well because I had been drinking the night before I was dehydrated and I didn't know that I was gonna be on camera so I didn't prepare I didn't chug a whole bunch of water when I woke up so I was dehydrated I also I don't think I ate that morning well halfway through service I started to get real nauseous and then my vision starts to go I saw guys I kid you not I don't know if you've ever I have a history of fainting so I know these symptoms well um my vision went black my eyes were wide open I was up in a very well lit room I all I saw was black it was like someone had a blindfold I could not see and I started to panic and I remember being on camera right saw completely black and I just started going like this I started reaching for something to hold on to because it started to freak me out that is the last thing I remember the next thing I knew I was on my back on the church floor looking up at the ceiling with a crowd of people around me you girl fainted in front of the whole church my pastor was up there so I know he saw me and they called my mom because my mom was sitting in a section somewhat nearby they call her over and they they try to carry me out of the the sanctuary and I remember I was so embarrassed I was so so embarrassed but I also like still didn't feel well and so they try to like the men try to like carry me out I'm like no no no like I was so embarrassed like I can walk I can walk like I'm okay so I get up they help me out they take me to the church's kitchen ambulance comes it's a whole thing meanwhile the church is still going on they carried on very well it's very you know professional um took me to the kitchen paramedics come check my vitals I was fine I was just dehydrated and I fainted and granted yes it was because I had no water that day but had I not been drinking the night before I wouldn't have fainted I would have been dehydrated regardless but I wouldn't have fainted and even still like people I don't even think people really realized I just told them like yeah I didn't eat or drink anything today that's all it was and it does get hot when you're standing up there on a camera pedestal for an hour not moving you get uncomfortable and you get hot so all of that combined made me faint but still everyone was just like oh it's like it's Sam like it's she just like didn't eat or whatever you know no one chalked it up to the fact that I was out drinking the night before um and I think back to that now and I'm like whoa it's so I was so very clearly living for the world and then just going to church because that felt like that's what I needed to be doing or that's what I should be doing that was the right thing to do um so that's not such a great memory for me but it's a big part of my testimony right for a long time well I'll get into that I'll save that going in line with my notes here so the next thing I have written down so shortly after less than a year later in the winter of 2020 it was actually February 2020 right before everything COVID happened for the world to shut down I started working full-time at the tv studio I work at now and I worked every weekend I worked uh Wednesday through Monday so I was off I'm sorry I worked Thursday to Monday so my weekends were Tuesday Wednesday for like two years there so and I worked morning shifts so I worked 5 a.m to 2 so I missed church I couldn't I couldn't go to church it wasn't a possibility for me I would still go Thursdays sometimes to help with the youth group but I couldn't go Sundays and because I wasn't going to church and I wasn't feeding my spirit and I wasn't spending any time with God I wasn't reading my Bible really um for those two years there my faith just took a back seat I didn't and and you know what I needed to take that shift like I'm I don't regret taking that shift because I needed to get I needed to do that shift to get where I am now in my career so I'm not saying like I'm not blaming my job I'm blaming me you know I didn't go to church for for two years two more but it started because of that shift and when you're not feeding your spirit but you're still living in the world you're gonna follow the world and you're gonna live for the world and I would pray every once in a while it's not like I never stopped believing ever in my whole 27 years of life I never stopped believing but it just took a back seat it wasn't a priority and that was that was my biggest mistake and that led to a road of a lot of hurt but also a lot of growth and we'll we'll we'll get there my faith wasn't a priority now in 2021 2021 I entered into a relationship this was my second long-term relationship ever in my life and many of you have seen parts of it here on YouTube for the past couple years we are no longer in that relationship if you missed that memo I don't know I'm not going to talk too much about it because it's not just my business to tell there's a lot I could say about it but I just have to find a happy healthy medium where I'm also still respectful because I never want to be disrespectful ever especially on the internet for thousands of people to see but this relationship all I will say is that this relationship is something that I wanted for years with this person like years like an embarrassing amount of years and I look back now being older and I'm just like Sam why but anyway I wanted this relationship for years and I finally got it and man I held on to that relationship with everything I had in me even when I should not have this relationship became my priority this person was the center of my universe I put him before me I put him before God it was my world revolved around this human okay I have to say I still didn't do things with my friends separately here and there but my world revolved around this person and that was my I have no one else to blame for that but me that was my mistake it led to a lot of problems uh more so like just for me like mentally internally problems that I don't think I ever really even expressed to anybody because I don't think I realized it was a problem until the relationship was over and I don't know what I was looking for I don't know if I was looking for like I thought that this person was gonna like complete me because a person can't completely come can't come words a person can't complete you they can make you better I think but a person can't complete you it's gotta be two whole people that come together and I wasn't whole and I don't think he was either and from what I see now from the very beginning I see that our that relationship it wasn't as good as it looked on the outside to friends family and people on YouTube it wasn't all bad but actually most of it I mean I have happy memories but um there was just a lot that went into it I had way more insecurities than I thought I did and there are now I know the reasons and where those insecurities came from um but it's just that there's just a lot that went into that relationship and uh towards the end there were things that came to light that were not so great and all I'll say a big regret of mine was when I should have walked away instead I I begged someone to stay with me and to love me and you should never ever ever do that the minute somebody tells you that they are unsure as painful as it is and as painful as it will be you gotta go and I wish I could tell myself that version of me back then I wish I could tell her that but at the same time I don't regret it because it showed me how selflessly I can love how unconditionally I can love and I'm actually very proud of that I'm not proud of the way everything happened and it's a shame the way that everything happened and the way that everything ended but um yeah there's just you know I'll never sit here and and blame someone fully for something it takes to and there were a lot of issues in that relationship but my my biggest regret and the thing that I learned the most was that you cannot make someone the center of your universe like that and it's funny now I like it's just amazing how you look back and like God is so intentional he's so intentional I remember it was a few days before that relationship ended and it was the service that changed everything for me I rededicated myself to God that day at church and you know I think I still have my notes hold on it's the very first entry in this notebook because the day after that service I went to CVS and I said I want a notebook so I could start taking church notes I want to start going to church every Sunday because during throughout this relationship we would go to church for like holidays and then maybe once in a blue moon where we were like it was it was usually me and I was probably like you know I want to go to church this Sunday and he'd be like yeah yeah let's go and then we'd be like yeah we did our part we went to church my pastor uh that I grew up with he used to call people like that CEOs christmas christmas and easter only christians that's what I was for a while um and from this so we went to service this day it was Sunday January 8th 2022 and this was when we were having a lot a lot a lot of relationship issues that relationship was no bueno anymore and we went to church you know to look for help I don't know went to church and this was the the service that changed everything for me and it was all about you know things that can distract you from your christian walk it's about keeping your eyes on jesus um you know it says whatever you just whatever desire you have god put that in you and you have everything you need to get it um distractions will hold you back um it's about walking the good fight keeping the faith it's just it's really just about like not letting things of the world don't let that distract you from your walk and I remember sitting there and I felt so convicted but like in a good way and I was like yeah like I want that I don't want those distractions like I want to and I and I remember I was so shook by it but like in a good way and we got in the car and I remember and this is not me this is just me sharing my experience it's not me talking bad about anyone I swear but I sat there and I remember I asked my ex I said would you think and he was like yeah who's good but I could tell that he didn't feel the way I felt his soul wasn't stirred the way mine was and I knew I knew right then and there in my mind I never said it out loud and then because I didn't want to I didn't want to admit it but I knew that that was going to be a problem because I knew that my life was about to change and I and I knew he wasn't going to come with me wow sorry that made me a little emotional I wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth but it did and it's true um three three days three days later that relationship ended and man that was by far the lowest point of my life and it still gets me emotional it's like a mixture of sad tears and happy tears the sad tears being pull yourself together the sad part being I wish that I could go back and hug that young version of me because she was so lost she didn't know her worth she didn't know what she deserved she didn't realize what she brought to the table her self-esteem was through the floor and she she was also made to feel like a lot of it was her fault and because her self-esteem was so low she believed it again not to say I was blameless because I wasn't but I know now that what I felt back then was not true and was not real shouldn't have been real so those are the sad tears the happy tears that come with that is I can I can see and I can feel how much I've grown since then and now my relationship with God is stronger than ever I know what I bring to the table I have boundaries put in place I know how to follow my intuition now when something doesn't feel right it's not right anything that's sent from God will not cause you hurt it will not cause you confusion and you won't have to work so hard to keep it so it's a combination of happy and sad tears and I think looking back on that chapter will always make me a little sad because back then let me tell you and even before the breakup when things started to come to light when things started to come to light my whole world shattered everything I thought I knew everything I thought I had everything I thought I was going to have everything I thought I was so close to getting shattered in literally one second shattered and that's a really hard hurt to get through but with prayer quality time with God and therapy and family and friends I have not only healed I have surpassed where I was before and I don't mean that in an arrogant way I really don't but I have just just learned and grown so much and you know what all the hurt that I went through I wouldn't take any of it back not a single thing I wouldn't take it back I wouldn't take it back because if those things didn't happen I wouldn't have grown if he didn't walk away from me I probably wouldn't have because I wasn't strong enough to he did me a favor by walking away because it forced me to grow and I knew I have such a strong desire in my heart to get married and start a family and have beautiful children and and all that I have such a strong desire for that and I knew that I was gonna have to put in the work to get through all the hurt and all the feelings of betrayal and just trust and and and all that I knew that I was gonna have to put in the work and I did because you can't bring all that into a new relationship you just can't you're literally dooming it from the beginning that's why I'll never understand people that get out of long-term relationships and that night we'll download a dating app I just I will never I mean I do get it I get it because you're trying to fill that void I get it but it's just you're dooming it from the beginning I think anyway I'm rambling um so yeah I in January I was January February March like that that time I was a wreck man I I cried every day I would randomly start crying at work I would cry until you know here at home I would cry until I couldn't breathe I would call my mom 2 a.m. mid-panic attack because I just could I just couldn't I it it was bad it was really bad my poor mom she would wake up because she would she would go to bed early she would wake up every every day at 11 30 p.m. when I was coming home from work and she would talk to me on the phone so I had somebody to talk to because she knew how lonely I felt my family really like got me through I can't even tell you but even though I was sad I I was still I was going to church every Sunday from this day on January 8th I went to church every Sunday I went by myself I mean I still knew people I you know this is the church I grew up in so I knew people but I would go I would sit by myself I would take my notes this was all my pastor oddly enough not oddly enough because again God is intentional he did a whole series on faith and I have like 10 10 part faith series in here where I just wrote it all down and I meditated on it and I studied it and it was that was me believing for better to come out of this it was just like again God's so intentional um and you know I would go to church and I remember people would like see me and people that were like comfortable and close with me and they they knew you know about the breakup kind of because people would always ask you know oh where is he where is he and I have to say oh we're not together anymore oh we're not together anymore you know which was annoying but of course rightfully so they're gonna ask so um I remember where there was one day very early early on after the breakup so when came up to me they're like you don't look so good I was like yeah I'm not I'm not so good but thank you um yeah I was I was really going through it but again I wouldn't take I wouldn't take any of it back at all um and I prayed I remember I've said this in episode one of this podcast series there was one day where I just couldn't take it anymore I couldn't take the sadness I just couldn't take it and I I remember it was very early morning it was like the first thing I did when I woke up I prayed and I said God I can't like I need you to take this from me I need you to give me peace I need you to help me to just close this chapter because I am I am struggling and that day it was like someone flipped a switch not to say I never got sad again but it was like night and day again it was like someone flipped a switch and I was changed I had I had I had peace and that's when I really started to accept the fact of like okay this was good this was good for you like you needed this and man God has a way of he will he will wake you up when he needs to and if that means ripping away a relationship from you that you thought was gonna be your everything and that was your future he said actually no actually that's not for you and I think every time God takes something away from you it just means that he has something better for you but he has to get you ready to have it first because if he gives it to you but you're not ready to have it you're not going to be able to keep it okay I said I wasn't going to preach and here we are um but it's true I see it in myself I feel like I am in such a period of growth and change and entering a new chapter and let me tell you growth is uncomfortable but if it's not uncomfortable you're not growing that's another thing I've learned so let me tell you I'm in a period of growth because it's not comfortable most of the time but it's a good thing and so one of the things that God is shaping me in like I said is he's showing me that there are things of the world that I was looking to fulfill myself when that should be coming from him my confidence myself worth all that should come from him not a man and so that's something that I'm going to implement in whatever relationship comes next and now I'm just looking at like rapid fire at the notes I have at the bottom of this um you know yeah so on that same note I actually wrote because I wanted to remember to say this when I first started dating and I downloaded the apps I wasn't even in the place I am now in my spiritual journey where if a hot if a hot guy came around and let me tell you one did and he was like hey come come follow me like let's let's let's do this I would have gone this is back in when did I download the apps April May late April early May I would have gone and I probably would have put gone to the back burner again I wasn't ready and that's why things didn't work out and it's funny there was one that I thought was gonna work out for a hot second but God has a way of just being like no not yet and if it's not for you I swear you like you can't you can't hold on to it you can't keep it it's just impossible so now I'm on a point where I am on fire again that's why I'm making these podcast episodes that's why I genuinely I love waking up in the morning and reading my Bible for 20 minutes I have a beautiful physical Bible that I have I haven't had a physical Bible in years and I have one now and I love it I have my my little highlighters and I highlight and I take notes and I just it's genuinely it's not about what God can give me or what I could get from God it's really just about like learning who he is and it's like enjoyable for me now and I think it's so much sweeter when you're searching for him not because you feel like you have to because you want to and you're like falling in love with him on your own it's so much more beautiful and I'm not ashamed to say that I I you know it's this started because I was at such a low point in my life and I didn't know what else to do but let me tell you it was the best decision I ever made and so I have a couple scriptures here that I've like I've been reading I read the book of Philippians and one read like stuck out to me and I was like I'm gonna put this in my testimony video it's Philippians 112 and it says I want you to know my dear brothers and sisters that everything that has happened to me here has helped me to spread the good news and I feel like everything that I went through this year and the end of last year led me to this point where I'm learning so much and now I am I want to be a vessel to let it come through me and out to you guys and I feel really passionate about that okay this is about two hours later I just left church the very first verse that they talked about today was Philippians 112 the very verse that I talked to you guys about and there were so many obstacles that were trying to stop me from coming to church today and that message was literally kind of what I was just talking to you guys about I just God is crazy I just needed to share that okay continue with the video and there's a lyrics actually that I wanted to share with you guys it's by it's a Brandon Lake song and it's called talking to Jesus and I heard it for the first time in the car a couple weeks ago and I cried my eyes out this song but there's a bridge at the end where it says there's no wrong way to do it there's no bad time to start don't have to sound pretty just tell him what's on your heart because it's not a religion because it's more like a friendship so just talk to your father like you or his kid even just saying that it makes me want to cry again it's just oh I got emotional because sometimes I don't know God's love really just smacks you in the face sometimes where it's like wow he really like he loves me that much and he like it doesn't have to sound pretty you don't have to go to him and use words you don't use what you should use words you don't have these big words just go talk to him like like that's your dad just tell him what's on your mind and I've done that just so much in the last couple months and it's just I've seen how it changes your life it could change your whole day it's just it's it's mind-blowing and so you know people say well how do you know God is real it's like I've seen it I've felt it I've seen how he's changed my life that's how I know that he's real and I know that all of that that I went through was God calling me back to him and like I said he'll do whatever he take whatever it takes to get your attention and I wouldn't change it for the world and I know I have so much growing to do and I'm excited for it I really am I have two more scriptures here Philippians 120 it says for I fully expect and hope that I will never be ashamed but that I will continue to be bold for Christ as I have been in the past and I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ whether I live or die and that's my prayer going forward is that whatever relationship comes into my life next whatever friendship whatever it is whatever circumstance I pray that I never I never walk away from him again and I never put him on the back burner that's my prayer I say to him all the time and when I was going when I was actively dating the last couple months I would pray before every date and I would say one this isn't the guy that you have for me Lord let me know two you know let it not work out whatever two I would say if this is if this is the one I pray that I still stay close to you no matter what I would pray that prayer because I've seen how things can come into your life and distract you from God and I don't want that ever again because I see now that when I try to do life by myself without him don't work very well so and then I have Psalm 32 8 and it says guide will get God will guide me down the best path for my life so that means everything you go through nothing is wasted and I'm going to do a podcast podcast episode on that nothing is wasted everything happens for a reason there's no coincidence everything happens for a reason and it plays a role and it plays a part in your life and it's meant to my last relationship it ended horribly a lot of bridges burned but I also trust that everything happens for a reason you know what maybe that bridge was just meant to be burned entirely and just having that piece like where everything happens for a reason it just it just changes the way you look at circumstances it's like oh that guy didn't want to date me it's okay he that's not the one that God asked for me that job I didn't get that job that's okay that's the one that God doesn't have that job for me he has something better and it's not always comfortable like I said and so I'm just trying to trust that you know that God is in control I saw something on tiktok the other day that it was like you can relax on a bus but you don't know the driver you can relax on a cruise ship you don't know the captain you can relax on a plane and you don't know the pilot so why can't I trust God who I actually know so with that it is a Sunday morning I have to leave for church in like four minutes so this was a long video but a necessary one I hope you guys got to know me a little bit better and I hope that you took something away from it I hope you watched to the end this was like one video where I really hope you watched the whole thing I thoroughly enjoyed making it sorry for getting a little emotional there I kind of knew that was going to happen um yeah to remember that I love you Jesus loves you more and I'll see you guys in the next episode bye guys