 Luck presents Hollywood. Luck's Radio Theatre brings you Ginger Rogers and Ray Malan in The Major and The Minor. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. A star billing on tonight's program really ought to read Ginger Rogers and Ray Malan with Ginger Rogers and Ginger Rogers. The Accomplished Ginger plays three distinct and very different people, and half the time Ray can't even tell them apart. The cause of it all is the gay paramount comedy, The Major and The Minor, in which a unique script by Charles Brackett and Billy Wilder gave Ginger and Ray a delightful opportunity. And we have Ginger's own mother, Mrs. Leela Rogers, to play her mother. It's a story about a beautiful girl, that's Ginger, who runs out of money in New York and impersonates a youngster of 12, so she can buy a half-bed ticket home. You can see the possibilities when Ray Malan becomes our guardian for the trip, and, well, the story is full of surprises. And here's another story with more of the same, thanks to a lady here in California. I've been one of your audience since the inception of the Luck's Radio Theatre she writes, and I'm a Luck's toilet soap fan, too. My son is in the Army, and on the day of regimental inspection, he found himself without a first-aid kit, which fits in the first pouch of his belt. With true Yankee ingenuity, he substituted a cake of Luck's soap, which is about the same size and shape and hoped it would get by the eagle eye of the CEO. But as the general inspected the rear of the second rank, he stopped behind my son, pulled out the first pouch and remarked, Don't lose your soap, soldier. I'm glad he got off so lightly. Who knows, maybe the general uses Luck's toilet soap, too. And now, here's the curtain for the first act of the Major and the Minor. Starring Ginger Rogers as Susan Applegate, and Ray Malan as Major Philip Curley. You might have read about the Revigara hair treatment and scalp massage system back in 1941. It went something like this. Men, men, men, are you troubled with dandruff? Is your hair getting just a bit thin on top? No need to be bald. Try the Revigara system. Call Maine 2000 and one of our skilled operators will call on you tomorrow. Have an egg shampoo in the privacy of your own home. The Susan Applegate is a skilled operator for Revigara, and a very handy girl with an egg. But in the wicked city of New York, a lot of a skilled operator is not always a happy one. There are, for example, slightly bald gentlemen, like Mr. Osborne. Mr. Osborne will call Maine 2000 at the drop of a hair. Mr. Osborne wears dandruff on his collar and his heart on his sleeve. Well, well, welcome in, young lady. I'm from the Revigara system. Yes, yes, I know. You're new with Revigara, aren't you? I just started this morning. Well, the Revigara system is certainly picking up. Where are we going to have the treatment? Oh, anyway, we can talk about that later. What might your name be, my dear? Applegate. Just Applegate? Nothing in front? Miss. Well, Miss, you make yourself comfortable. You know what I always say, no matter what the weather is, I say, why don't you slip out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? Dry martini, wet coat. Can I put the vibrator over here? Oh, the vibrator, yes. We're no hurry, are we? At least I'm not. You know, I really have a very lonely time here Wednesday evenings. That's when my wife goes to a first-aid class. I'm the only son far away at school. Not for a warm school, but I sometimes think it ought to be. Won't you sit down, please? Oh, now, Miss Applegate, don't be so businesslike. First, we're going to have a little drinky poo, and a little bitey poo, and a little rumba poo. No, no. First, we're going to have a little scalp massagey poo. Oh, now, please, we could make beautiful music together. We, too. About this temple? Oh, hey, that hurts. What kind of a brush is that, anyway? Hard bristles. Then we're going to get a vibrator treatment and an egg shampoo. I am not put that egg down? Certainly. Yeah. The first night off, and here I sit with an egg on my head. What are you going to do now? Scramble it? Would you rather have an armor? Oh, now, Miss Applegate, listen. Let go of my hand. Oh, Miss Applegate. Let go. I have another egg here. Would you like a face massage, too? Now, now, Miss Applegate. All right, here. Why you... Why your chin? There's egg on it. Miss Applegate, I'm certainly going to report this. I suppose you'll realize what that'll mean. Yes, I know. The boot. And when you're making your squawk, you can tell them to pick up their vibrator with the rest of this junk. What's all the excitement? No excitement. I'm just bored. I take a two-weeks course. Learn all about hair and the circulation of the blood, and what do I get? An invitation to slip out of my wet coat into a dry martini. Well, by George, I think I will. Ah, that's the spirit of the problem. Keep away, Mr. Augburn. I'm through. After one year and 25 jobs in New York, Susan Applegate is signing off and going right back where she came from. Do you ever hear of Stevenson, Iowa? Of course. No, you haven't. It's dull. People there just walk around on two feet, and cars only have four wheels, and the grass just plain green. Who wants that? Oh, well, you... Who wants a fellow by the name of Will Duffy who runs a feed and grain store? Why not look around? Well, I came and I looked around from every angle, from the bargain basement to the Ritz Tower. I got myself glanced over, slapped around, pushed off, passed at. There's one thing they didn't get out of me. This envelope, sealed up in here from the first day I came, $27.50. What for? My fare back home. And if I miss the train tonight, I'll take the one tomorrow. Back to Stevenson. Goodbye, Mr. Augburn. Here you are, Miss. One day, Coach Stevenson, Iowa, in the 955, changed Chicago. With pleasure. Here. $27.50 on the nose. $32.50, Miss. $27.50, I know. I'm sorry, Miss. $32.50. Do you want the ticket or not? Listen, if it's $27.50 from Stevenson to New York, it's $32.50 from New York to Stevenson. It doesn't make sense. They boosted the rate, lady, last February. They did. Well, that's a fine thing for a big railroad to do. Okay, I'll take the bus. Good idea. Only the bus lines are on strike. Would you ever read the paper? Is this going on all day? Not just a minute. Step aside, Miss. Step aside next. Indian athletes. One ticket for me and one half for the little boy. Is he under 12? Well, certainly. Tell the man how old you are, Wilbur. No. Wilbur, tell the man how old you are. I won't. Nobody can make me squeal. I'm a corn crinkle secret operator. Oh, Wilbur. She's nine. Honest. All right, madam. I'll take your word for it. One fare and a half there. Yeah, but I'm not a kid under 12. Yeah, but what am I going to do about it? I mean, about your hair. All right, my hair. Well, that sounds okay, but what am I going to do about it? Well, I could go to jail. But I'd do anything to get out of this town. Station master, New York City to conduct your train number seven. Girl in daycoats traveling on half fare ticket to Stevenson, Iowa suggest you check age. I wrote a letter. Oh, here, sir. Half fare? Yes, sir. Would you kindly stand up? Yes, miss, you. All the way up, please. What do you think, Joe? I don't know. You're pretty big for 12, miss. Oh, yes, we all are. My whole family. Sweetie stock. My brother, Olaf is six feet two, and he's only in the second grade. When were you born? Next week. Oh, what year? Um... Oh, what year? Um...1949. 1929. What do you say, Joe? I don't know. Their clothes look okay for a kid. I'm talking about what's in them. He looks kind of filled out for 12. Oh, well, you see, mama says we all have some sort of grand trouble too in the family. Yeah, wait a minute. You say you're from Sweetie stock? Uh-huh. We're all Swedes in my family. Fine. Then suppose you say something in Sweetie. I want to be alone. Come back here. Come back. Cheetah, please. Come on, Joe. Just a moment, miss. Stop, stop there. She won't get very far. Stop, stop. What's the matter, child? Oh. Are you lost? Yeah, yes, uh, no, uh, sort of. I mean, you win the right card. This is card 64. Oh, is it? Yes, strong room G. Oh, G. There's no need to be upset, child. You see, they give each car a different number, each compartment a different letter. They have to give streets different names and houses different numbers so people can find out where they belong. Now, where do you belong? 78 North Elm Street. No, no, I mean in the train. I just think hard. What's the letter on your mother's compartment? Well, I'm not with my mother. I'm alone. Well, then where's your ticket? The man took it. The conductor? Then we'll have to ring for the conductor. Oh, no. Now, don't be foolish, child. Well, but I don't need him. I know where I belong. I belong up in the daycoats. Only, I don't want to sit up in the daycoats. It makes me feel sicky in my tummy. Oh, well, well, maybe if I held your head. No, no, thank you. It's just when I sit up or stand up. Well, lie down, child. Quick, come on, lie down. Oh, thank you. But this is your bed, isn't it? Oh, that's all right. I have an upper. Go to the porter and have him make it up. Oh, no, no, please. I'll only stay five minutes. Oh, nonsense. You're going to sleep here? Huh? Why, certainly. How far are you going? Stevenson, Iowa. Well, you're all right for tonight. Anyway, I get off at High Creek, Indiana. Now, I'll just ring for the... No, no, no, please. Don't ring for the porter. Now, why, child? Because the porter will tell the conductor and I'm scared of the conductor. Why? Because he's got long male teeth, a little Betsy eyes and hands like a spider with big blood fur on them. No, no, no, look like a woman. I don't get so excited. Tell me, child, what is your name? Susan. Oh, no, they call me Susan. All right, Susan. Now, don't you worry about the porter anymore. I'll make up the upper myself. Well, uh, I'm a very kind, uh... Well, my mother always told me that, well, you see, you are a strange gentleman. Yes, of course. I know. Well, we can soon fix that. My name is Kirby, Major Philip Kirby of the United States Army. Major? What, Major Bowles? Well... Just about. You see, I'm a scientist and instructor to a military institute, teaching the young idea how to shoot. Well, I'm glad to meet you. How do you do? How do you do? Oh, that's all cleared up. Now to bed. Oh, just a minute, Major. Oh, look, Susan, please don't call me Major. Call me, uh, call me Uncle Philip, huh? Do you have an idea with you? Yes, Uncle Philip. Well, then suppose you step inside there and get changed. Do you really think so? Why, sure. Just sing out if you have any trouble with your buttons. Oh, I haven't had any button trouble for a long, long time. Major Kirby, I mean, Uncle Philip. Anything wrong? Uh... Stomach again? How do you feel, Susu? Susu. Come on there, Susu. Wake up, wake up. Good morning, Susu. Oh, huh. Good morning, Uncle Philip. Did you sleep all right? Yes, fine, Uncle Philip. Good. Is the train stopped? That's right. We're being held up. Held up? Oh, no cause for alarm. There was a storm last night and washed out a brick. Oh, where are we? Oh, about 30 miles from where I'm supposed to get off. What are you squinting at? Hmm? What are you squinting at? Oh. Well, that's an exercise I have to do. I've got a bum eye, you see, and I give it a 10-minute workout twice a day. Oh, I wonder about your eyes. You mean they're crossed? Oh, no. I wouldn't mind that. You see, as far as regulations are concerned, that wouldn't disable me. I'd just spend a week in Washington trying to get back into active service. Are you sure they won't let you? I don't know yet. So what am I thinking about? You've got to have some breakfast. Come on, what do you want? I'll get some coffee. Coffee? They don't let you have coffee. Well, just a few drops and a big glass of milk. I call it coffee. Ah! That's a nice cereal, huh? And I'm going to ask them in the club car to have a par-cheesy board. Then we can play it as plain goes again until I get off, okay? Well, about that, par-cheesy. You want to make a checkers? Well, after breakfast... What? Well, maybe you better go out and let me get dressed first. You know, Suzu, you're a very peculiar little girl. You bet I am. Guess who came to rescue you? You can't get him up. You can't get him up. You can't get him up in the morning. Philip, I'm coming in. Hello. Oh! Oh! I'm terribly sorry. I beg your pardon. I must be in the wrong drawing room. Or am I? Or are you? Why, that... That's Philip's coat. Why? Are you... Oh! Oh! Oh! I... You... Quiet, quiet. The conductor's not supposed to know. Nor I imagine am I. Oh! Hi, Pamela. Hello. How'd you get on the train? I was worried about you, Philip, darling. So Father and I drove 27 miles over suicidal roads to find out how my poor lonely fiancé occupied himself on his trip home. Pamela, what are you talking about? I happened to have been in your drawing room and seen that woman. Pamela. Well, don't stand there looking innocent. I suppose that's her breakfast you're carrying into her. Why, yes, I... Oh, how cheap. But Pamela, this is so insane. This is utterly... Yes, utterly, utterly. Oh! Pamela, come back! Pamela! Oh! Anything wrong, Uncle Philip? Yeah, a little nosebleed, maybe. That lady who was just here, was she your wife? Was she thank me in the nose? No, why? Good. I mean, I know what's good for a nosebleed. Oh, never mind, Susie. Well, this is what my mother does. I'm butting her collar. Some cold water down to back your neck. That'll stop her. This is all so silly. Oh, my fault, isn't it? Don't you worry about it, Susie. It'll straighten her. Well, now, lean forward a little. This may be a little chilly. Oh! No, no, stop! We'll be all right in a minute. It tickles! Stop playing! Pamela! I brought Father to... Oh! Oh! There. There, Father. You wouldn't believe it. Pamela. Well, look! My boy. My boy. My boy. My boy. I'm a machine. Wait a minute, please. I'll come along, Pamela. But Colonel! Shut! Oh, Jiminy Christmas. Holy mackerel. Oh, is that Uncle Bill? Just my commanding officer, head of the institute. I'd suspect your father-in-law. I was in hot water before, but now it's boiling oil. Oh, I'm so sorry. Don't listen, Susie. I've got to ask you a terrific favor. What? I'll have to ask you to come along with me. Come along with me? Yes, to the institute. Declare this thing up. Don't you see? The Colonel must be absolutely convinced that I... Well, you couldn't possibly understand it, Susie. You mean I'm too young? Yes. It's a sort of grown-up foolishness. Now, just accept it, please, and don't ask questions. Will you do it for me, please? Well, I'd love to. I'd love to go with you. I mean, you've been so nice to me. Oh, bless your heart, child. Now, about your parents? Well, it's just my mother. All right. I'll send her telegram. It'll absolutely put her at ease. What time? Well, how about, uh, let your daughter on the train and look out for her last night? Stop. We cannot proceed on account of high water. I'm taking her home with me. Stop. Stop. Uh, don't worry, sign curvy. Will that fix it? Well, it'll certainly fix mother. In just a few moments, Mr. DeMille presents Ginger Rogers and Ray Mulan in act two of The Major and the Minor. And now, here's Libby Collins, our Hollywood reporter, with a news item about a very special victory gardener. The gardener is Paulette Goddard, Mr. Kennedy. It may be news to most of our audience that Paulette owns a 70-acre farm in New York State. So just a few weeks ago, she took a special trip east to see about the spring plant here. And knowing Paulette, I'll bet that vegetable garden will be a success. Yes, the lettuce and the carrots ought to come jumping up fast just for a look at Paulette. And getting a look at Paulette Goddard is a project worth anyone's while. Don't you agree, Libby? I certainly do. She's a real beauty with her huge blue eyes, all-burn hair, and truly exquisite complexion. Exquisite is the word for it, Libby. And maybe we're not proud that it's luxe toilet soap that cares for her million-dollar skin. Yes, Paulette, the luxe girl. Incidentally, Mr. Kennedy, do you know she never uses any makeup before the camera but lipstick and a bit of eye shadow? Well, the effect certainly is gorgeous, especially when the picture's in technicolor. Now, Libby, why not be helpful by telling all the women in our audience just how Paulette Goddard takes an active lather facial? Well, it's very simple. She smooths lots of the wonderful creamy luxe soap lather well in. Rinses with warm water and splashes with cold. Then pats her skin dry with a soft towel. She never neglects these daily beauty facials. They leave her skin feeling soft as velvet, she says. Thank you, Libby. Remember, nine out of ten screen stars use luxe toilet soap, and the beauty soap has to live up to its name. It'll be the daily complexion care of nearly every famous star in Hollywood. If you haven't already done soap, why not make Hollywood's beauty soap, luxe toilet soap, your personal beauty soap, starting tomorrow? Now, Mr. DeVille returns to the microphone. Act two of the Major and the Minor, starring Ginger Rogers as Susan Applegate and Ray Merland as Major Philip Kirby. Susan Applegate, aged 24, alias Susu, the 12-year-old, has been conducted to the Wallace Military Institute to meet the faculty. In the conference room, she stands with her stomach turned out and her toes turned in as Major Kirby performs the introductions. Don't be afraid, child. It's quite all right. Very nice people. This is Miss Pamela Hill. How do you do, dear? This is Colonel Hill. You're a lady. This is Major Dole. How do you do? This is the Reverend Doyle. Well, my dear. First, ladies and gentlemen, is Susu Applegate, who will be 12 next week. Hello. 12? 12 years old. What a happy solution. Oh, still, if you're a adorable man, how utterly beguiling. Miss Hill is my fiancée, Susu. You know what that word means? Uh-huh. Can I go home now, Uncle Sela? Home all alone? All the way to Iowa with that stomach of yours, I should say not. But it'll be all right now. I'm telegraphing your mother. We've got to make some arrangements. Please don't keep telegraphing my mother. Don't say the child was going to Iowa. That's right, Reverend Doyle, Stevenson. Listen, I've got to get home. I'm way behind in my homework and my teeth. The dentist has got to put the braces back. Will you let me make a suggestion? I'm going to Des Moines on Sunday to open a memorial chapel. You'll take Susu with you, Reverend? I have to. Well, that'll be too long. I... Do you see? My piano teacher. I'm just beginning my three-finger exercise. You're going to say at our house, Lannigan. I've got a little sister, just your age. But Sunday's three days off. It'll be three days. You'll remember all your life, Susu. This is a treat that doesn't come to one girl in a million. Does it have to come to me? Listen, Susu. You like boys, don't you? What boys? Nice boys, about 14 years old. Come out on the balcony. Come on. You see? There they are, Susu. How's that? 300 of them and all of them are yours. Mine? Oh, uncle. Lucy. What do you want, Pamela? Oh, Lucy. This is Susu Applegate, a friend of Philip's. She's staying with you. I know. Lucy'll take good care of you, Susu. I'll see you at lunch, dear. Hello, Lucy. Hello, you. I met Major Kirby on the train. I was awfully sick. Uh-huh. Oh, what a lovely room. Oh, look, goldfishes. Look at the ones with the flopsie-wopsie tails. And the one with his nose sticking up. He wants his din-din. No, cut the baby talk, will you? You're not 12 just because you're acting like six. What? How old are you anyway? 20 or 25 or what? Why, Lucy, that's a funny thing to say. Is it? Maybe you can bluff the grown-ups. You can't bluff me. Bluff? What do you mean, bluff? That is what I mean. Your suitcase. I opened it when they brought it up here. Oh, the suitcase. It belongs to my aunt. And those clothes, too, huh? And a pack of cigarettes? Well, you see, save your breath. See all those books on that shelf? Biology. All biology. And they say you're no 12-year-old. Okay, you win. At least I don't have to play baby snooks anymore. Not with me, you don't. Will you keep your mouth shut for a dollar? Listen, I had to get home and all I could manage was half fare. $2? I don't want your money. Well, how are your children getting on together? Fine. Oh, Susu, your lunching at the office is missed. You'll find it too beguiling. Oh, is there anything in your suitcase you want fresh? No, no, leave it alone. She's gonna wear some of my clothes. Why? She had a font pen in her suitcase and there's ink all over everything. Oh, glory. Well, I'm glad you two are getting on to life. Lucy, why didn't you tell your sister? Because she's a stinker. I got some cigarettes here. Smoke? Well, thanks. If you'll excuse me, I won't join you. I find adolescence makes you nervous enough. Say, is there a back gate to this school or a service entrance or something? Before. Well, I'm getting out of here as fast as I can. Oh, no, you're not. Why not? What is this? A house of detention? You're going to help me prevent a crime. A what? A systematic destruction of a human being. What are you talking about? Philip Kirby. He hates his job here. He's dying to get transferred to active service, but Pamela's seen to it that he'll never get it. Never. Now, now, I heard her say she was willing to follow him to Iceland, Trinidad, or any place he happened to be stationed. Ah, I suppose that's why she's moved heaven and earth and Washington to see he didn't get transferred. Pamela's picked out the husband she wants and she wants him right here at Wallace Military. Knights, cozy and beguiling. What do you expect me to do? I want you to help. No, sir. I got him into trouble. I've got him out of trouble, and now I'm beating it. I'm reporting to Miss Applegate. Miss Applegate? Yes, what? The cadet adjutant regrets that he cannot escort Miss Applegate to luncheon. The who? The cadet adjutant. Oh, well, that's too bad. There, um, there was some discussion about which cadet officer had precedent. It was finally decided by drawing lots. Oh, well, you didn't have to go to all that trouble. A winner was Cadet Lieutenant Anthony Wigdon Jr. of Company D. Well, you can just explain to the cadet lieutenant that I... May I assure Miss Applegate that she will find Cadet Lieutenant Anthony Wigdon Jr. a very amusing escort. And, uh, plenty good-looking, too. Lucy, do I have to? Uh-huh. All right. When will he be here? I am Cadet Lieutenant Anthony Wigdon Jr. Oh, dear. Hope you enjoyed your lunch, Miss Applegate. Oh, yes, thank you. Now, as I was saying about the Maginot Line, oh, excuse me. Good afternoon, gentlemen. Good afternoon. Miss Applegate may introduce Cadet Adjutant Babcock. How do you do? Cadet Captain Osburn. How do you do? Cadet Captain Shoemaker. How do you do? And Cadet Lieutenant Miller. How do you do? Now, uh, as I was saying... Say, what's the matter with those boys? Are they mad at me or something? Oh, no, just ethics. This is my time. Osburn gets you at 2 o'clock, Shoemaker at 3 to 4, Babcock 4 to 5, and Miller 5 to 6. Good glory. Look solid. Shall we sit down? How to get back to what I was saying. I always thought that the Maginot Line was all wet, didn't you? Well, kind of damp, anyway. The first lesson to be derived from this present war is the futility of stationary defense. Do you want to know how sedan was taken? How? Well, this is sedan. Oh, no. That's my shoulder you've got there. The weak point. I'll get your arm away. Now, a flank of the German army slung around through the Netherlands and Belgium. Then a Panzer Division smacked right through here. Hey, why you little devil. Hot stuff, huh? Then, of course, they took Paris. Do you, uh, want to see how they took Paris? Oh, no. Oh, come on. That was just kindergarten. Paris is a real thing. Let's go. I still got a minute. You had told me or I'll pinch your nose. Oh, don't be silly. Now, let's go. I'll start moving that German army again. I'll yell, Lieutenant. I'll yell, Miss Applegate. I've got a whole minute. Hey, hey. Easy there. Oh, hello, Uncle Philip. Playing games? Well, sort of. Where's your escort? Oh, yes. Where is he? Oh, maybe he tripped on his shoestring or something. Ah, youth, youth. Someone with a beard once said, youth is such a wonderful thing. It's too bad it has to be wasted on the young. Major Kirby, sir. Oh, yes, husband? Pardon me, sir. Miss Applegate, I was looking for you. Oh, yes. He's from two to three, Uncle Philip. Ah. And where are you taking her, husband? I had a little canoeing in mind, sir. Oh, that sounds like fun. Uncle Philip, you wouldn't care to come along with us. Well, you don't have to be polite when the elderly relative run along now. This way. Bye, sir, sir. Bye. Well, little lady, where have you been all my life? Huh? Miss Applegate, let me look in your eyes. Do you know what I see? What? Stardust. Lieutenant, you dazzle me. Captain! Oh, finally. You know, you and I could make beautiful music together, we two. Why, Captain, you make these things up out of your own head. Sure do. You see, I'm from New York. Oh. Yep. I've been kicked out of all of best schools in the East and won in Arizona. Say, you're a murderer. Well, let's not talk about me. Let's talk about something else. Well, strategy, for instance. Fine. You know, I've got my own theory about the fall of France. Now, the first lesson to be derived from this present war is the futility of stationary defense. Now, here's today, and this is the Maginot Line. Here we go again. Well, it's about Susu Applegate. I'd like to speak to you about her. What's your idea? Well, I've been seeing her on the grounds of the boys and I'm a little worried. About the boys? No, about her. You can't suddenly throw a young girl among 300 cadets and expect... Pamela, I think you ought to talk to her. You know. Facts of life? Yes. No, thank you, darling. It's not fair to the kid. Somebody ought to talk to her, really, and I feel a lot more comfortable. Well, you talk to her, Phillip. After all, you're her own son. Look, Susu. Look, can I smell it, please? Oh, but look, you know, you're very cool. I mean, because I'm not interested in the ball, friend. It's so unfair. Wood can at least got to see Dan, please. No. Oh, Susu. Oh, yes, I'm comfortable. Susu, I'd like to have a few words with you. Can you talk to my officer moment? Well, I'd love to. Well, goodbye, Lieutenant Moore. And I do love the way you can wiggle your ears. It's not fair, that's all. Why can't I get to see them? Hello. Well, Susu, how do you like it here? I like it fine. Did you have a nice time this afternoon? Lovely, nice. Yes. Well, that's what I want to talk to you about. Sit down, Susu. Well, I suppose I should have spoken about all this before, but kids nowadays know so much, you know? Where's kids and all that sort of thing? No more than I do, really. About what, Uncle Phillip? You know about plant life and the laws of nature. I actually took your knowledge of such things for granted, you see? What things, Uncle Phillip? Well, vaguely boys, boys and girls. Does your collar hurt, Uncle Phillip? No, no, it's just a little type of sore. Where was I? Boys and girls. Oh, yes, yes. Well, you see, what I mean is, do you ever watch moths? Moths? Like butterflies? Yes. Not lately, I haven't. Yes, well, you know, when you turn on a light on a porch, they come at you from all sides, a lot of them, and then they bang their heads against it and cut their wings. We have screens on our porch. Yes, that's, you see, that's what I'm driving at, Susu. A light does attract moths, and all we can do is put screens and dim the light. Well, you can always go inside. Yes, you can always go... Please, Susu, don't throw me off like that. What I'm trying to say is that you don't want to be a light bulb, now do you, and have moths all flapping at you and breaking their necks, pestering you? Now do you? No, it's never been a particular ambition in my life. No, no, no. So, you see, Susu, I mean, you see, Susu, a girl named Susu is like a light bulb as far as boys are concerned. That is, if she's pretty. And with 300 moths in this school, well, they all just attract it, you see? And that's why we say a girl like you is attractive. Am I? Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. She has nice eyes and good straight legs and has a sort of bloatier hair. I was watching you in the mess hall this afternoon. Really? Yes. That little red head of yours, it was a dandelion and a big metal of uniform. Frankly, I'll tell you something else too. One day you're going to be a very charming young lady. When? Oh, six or seven years. Then you'll be a general and come to my graduation? Mm-hmm. You know, Susu, when I look at you with just my bum eye, you look almost drawn out like something in a Sunday's supplement with the colors all run together. Kind of blurry, not a child anymore. Why, it's lovely. Just like a reflection in the water with a wind blowing. Susu, you're a knocker. I'm going to tell her. Ah, yeah. Yes, well, uh, about those moths, I, uh, I don't want all the boys in this school so if you have a little more reserve, maybe if they, they try to hold your hand or to kiss you, you wouldn't like that, would you, Susu? No. No, no. Well, maybe if you made yourself a little less practical, or bit them or something. No, no, no, don't, don't bite them. Perhaps if you don't lose her long. Of course, Uncle Philip. Yes. Well, I, I think you've about covered everything, so why don't you run along and have a good time? Only, not too good. Bye, Uncle Philip. I'll try and be a well-behaved light bulb. Oh, brother. Hiya, Susu. Oh, hello, Lucy. What's the matter? You look all funny. Yeah, you know, that's the dog-gondest uncle I ever saw. What's the matter with you? Nothing, I guess. Except now I know what you mean when you say adolescence makes you nervous. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille and our stars, Ginger Rogers and Ray Milan, will return in act three of The Major and The Minor. Well, here's Sally, and she has a touching little story to tell you tonight. Once upon a time, there was a young lady who thought she didn't have to bother about beauty care. She thought her skin would just stay nice, even though she neglected it. But one day, she began to notice that the confection was looking a bit on the dull side. She began to worry. And that night as she fell asleep with all the day's dust and makeup on her skin, she thought she was too tired to wash it off. She said, Oh, dear, I used to have skin as pink and white as the princess in that big nursery book of mine with the mother goose rhymes and pictures. Well, pretty soon she fell asleep. She was reading her mother goose stories again. Only now they were all different. Little Miss Mothick sits on a tusset thinking about her skin. It could look much brighter and pinker and whiter. High time her luck spatials began. And then along came Mary and her lamb. Mary had a lovely skin to help it stay that way. She bought some gentle luck soap and used it every day. And then a little boy named Jack said, Jane, be clever, Jane, be quick, and learn the active ladder trick. And all of a sudden, Jane woke up with these words ringing in her ears. There was a girl in our town and she was wondered why with luck the facial she became the envy of all I. And she said to herself, Oh, I can hardly wait for morning to come so I can get the muck's toilet soap and start my beauty facials. I'm never, never going to neglect my complexion again. And she didn't ever after. Thanks, Sally. I needn't point out the moral of that story. I'll just say to lovely ladies everywhere, if your skin isn't looking as fresh and smooth as you'd like it to be, why not get some of Hollywood's complexion soap, luck's toilet soap, tomorrow. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille. After the play, we'll get up to date with the big careers of our stars. But now the curtain rises on the third act of the Major and the Minor, starring Ginger Rogers and Ray Miland with Leela Rogers as Mrs. Applegate. Susu the Minor has made a distinct impression on Philip the Major and vice versa. Outwardly, Susan may be an adolescent, but inwardly, a pulse is hammering an adult tempo. Briefly, Miss Applegate is falling in love. Listen, what's the matter with you anyway? I told you, Lucy, nothing. Then snap out of it. Here, listen, I want to read you something. What is it? A letter Pamela gave me to mail. I steamed it open. You steamed it? Oh, that's a federal offence, baby. It's too late now. Listen, Mrs. George T. McWhorter, Washington, D.C. Cornelia Darling, you beguiling creature. I understand your husband ran into my fiance in Washington. Philip is an impetuous soul who insists that war is impending and he must be in it. Such nonsense. The fact is he's essential here and I'm appealing to you to prevent this foolish transfer. Do be a beguiling angel and see to it that your husband knows the real facts. All of them. So much love, darling. Pamela. You see? Yeah. Got a match, Susu? What for? I'm going to burn this letter. Scorched earth policy. No, no, here, give it to me. Look, Lucy. What? How would you like Pamela to write Cornelia Darling another letter? You mean you write it? Or better than that? Why can't Pamela call Cornelia Darling on the telephone? It's an urgent matter, isn't it? Susu, do you think you could? Well, I could try. Oh, I always knew you'd help. Did you? I didn't. Hello, operator. I'm calling long, long distance to Washington. Yes. Yes. Mrs. George T. McQuaider, would you please hold the line, please? Hmm. Hello. Oh, Cornelia Darling. You beguiling creature. Of course it's Pamela. Cornelia dear, this is long distance, so you don't mind if I come to the point through you? Well, your husband has been an angel and promised to get my fiancé a transfer to active service. I can't tell you how important it is. Well, he's just disintegrating here. Oh, do talk to George and talk and talk and talk until he does it. Any transfer? Iceland, Trinidad, any place? May I depend upon you, darling? It's so terribly, terribly important. Thank you, darling. So much beguiling love. Bye, dear. All together now, fellas. Ready? One, two, three. Oh, Susu. Susu, Applegate. Yes, Applegate. This is the Garden of Honor calling your special convoy to the dance. You better call off the riot spot, Phillip. Look at the boys around your knees. Yeah, amazing the peel that kid has. Yes. By the way, I had a report from the telephone operator. Did you know somebody called long distance from you last night? A girl? You mean Susu? Well, it wasn't I, darling. Well, maybe she called her mother. No. No, not her mother. Quite a bit more peculiar. That's all I can say about now. Boy, Susu, the way you make with a feat, it's like dancing with a puff of wind. Thank you, Clare Dawson. Don't be so formal, Susu. Yes, dear. Yes, mother. Look, I've got visiting parent trouble. They're dying to meet you. But this is the third ball coming up, and I promise it to Major Kirby. Oh, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Oh, Mom. Mom meets Susu. We're that away. At least I am. Oh, Clare. That's good for Clare. How do you do, my dear? How do you do? And this is my father, Mr. Osborne. How do you do? Oh. I think I've had the pleasure before. No, I don't think you've had the pleasure. Have I? I could swear. Haven't we met someplace? Now, wait a minute, Dad. I saw her first. No. I'm sure we haven't met. I must have seen you. Maybe you're somebody's daughter. I don't know. I'm a sweetie stalk. Well, I sometimes eat smuggler's board. Oh, Al. Please. Well, excuse me, please. This is the third ball. Oh, hello, Susu. I thought you ditched me for a younger man. Oh, I'd never do that. You sure? You know, Susu, this is your big night. You shouldn't waste it on me. You don't want the stands? All right, but I'll warn you. I can't reverse. Major Kirby. Oh, big pardon, sir. A telegram for you. Excuse me, Susu. Thanks. Yes, sir. This is what I think it is. It's from Washington. Washington? Well, read it. Read it. Susu, I'm in. They've accepted me. Uncle Philip. What's that, Philip? Oh, bless you, Pamela. It came through. It's settled in the bag. Hold it. It's a transfer, and you get it for me, darling. You get it. I do think we should discuss it a little. It's rather radical. Well, how about a little damp night air? Come on. Oh, I'm sorry about our dance, Susu. Oh. You know, Pam, it's as if a great big stone had rolled right off my heart to plunge. And right on mine, Susu. Oh, not really. There was a little matter of our wedding plans, remember? I didn't forget that. Did you read that telegram? Report to Washington within one week? So we cance the elaborate plans, get a license in the morning, and the Reverend Doyle marriages around noon. Everything a little condensed is in the reader's digest for most parents. Pam, didn't you want me to get it? Didn't you help me? If I did it, it was a mistake. And I'm perfectly sure it isn't too late now. Oh, yes it is. My decision is made. Now, if you want to change yours as far as we two are concerned, well... Is that an ultimatum, too? No, Pam, it is... I guess it is. Good night. You're doing fine, Uncle Farrell. Well, thank you, Susu. You know, it's very funny. I've just been through an experience. I thought I'd break my back and weigh me down like a lad. And look at me. I'm filled with helium. I've got an aluminum heart. Oh, are you just reversed? So I did. Oh, if Miss Parrot could only see me now. Miss who? Miss Jean Parrot, my dancing teacher. I was 12 and she was 40. I had a terrific crush on her. Oh, that's an awkward situation. Ah, yes it is. I've always thought schedule about 20 or 30 is. Oh, nice. There was some kind of agent. You know, with different buttons for different inches, you press one and you're 40, just right for Miss Parrot. Is there a button label going on 12? No, Uncle Philip. Uncle Philip, this is my last night here. And there are so many things. I mean, there's one very important thing. Ever since I got on the train. Oh, pardon me. The next is my dance. Just a minute, please. Uncle Philip, do you suppose when this ball is over, at about 10.30, I can have a few minutes with you alone? Maybe right here. The guard of honor has to take me home, but I could sort of sneak back. Secret Zuzo? Please, Uncle Philip. Very well. 10.45 on this identical spot. You got it. The transfer at Kingham, Washington. It did? Yes, come on, help me. What are you doing? Getting a dress, a dreamy dress with some high heels, slippers and bright red lip rouge. Are you crazy? Maybe. Well, I hope he doesn't hate me when he sees me as I really am. What's worse, he may laugh, or even faint. Or he may say, you liar, why didn't you tell me in the first place? Well, it's better to tell him in the second place than not at all. Would you mind being a little clearer? Where are you going? Back to where the dance was. I'm going to meet him alone there. Oh, Lucy, pray for me. My point would have made you curvy. I told him little Susu's stomach is upset again. And now maybe we'd better have a little talk. At your disposal, Miss Hill. But a lightning change. Let me see. Not bad, now that your finger is out of your mouth. Let's drop the cat and mouse stuff, Miss Hill. I make a very bad mouse. All right, Miss Applegate. Briefly, Mr. Osborne remembered where he had seen you before. The, uh, Rivigera Company, wasn't it? Yes. He was embarrassed, but he thought he ought to protect his son. Are you protecting his son, too? Yes. I'm also protecting my fiancee. You don't love him? Leave that to me. The alternatives are very simple. Either you get out of here exactly as you came as the little Susu Applegate, or there's going to be an extremely nasty scandal with somebody cashiered out of the service. Somebody rather useful. Thank you for putting it on such a patriotic basis. There's a train tonight at 11.40. Uh, let's say your mother arrived very agitated and took you away in a great hurry. No time for goodbyes. Well, I have no money. I'll advance it. Thanks. Any further orders? Just pack your things and go. Taking good care that nobody sees you. That's a rather foolish costume for a child of 12. We should be very glad I'm not 12. I was a very straightforward child. I used to spit. This is Catherine Applegate, Stevenson, Iowa. Mother dear, arriving noon Wednesday, love, Susan. I can't understand what happened between you and Will Duffy, Susan. I thought you were coming home to marry him. So did I, mother. And all you've done since you've arrived is lie there in that hammock and stare at the porch light. What in heaven are you looking at, Susan? The malls. Did you ever notice the malls, mother? Malls? Now, Susan, I've had enough of this. Another time. Oh, I'll get it. Hello. Who? Susu. Susu Applegate? Well, who's calling? Oh, oh, Major Kirby. Well, this is Mrs. Applegate. Yes, Major Kirby. Yes, my daughter's told me about you. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but Susu, mother, oh, I'm terribly sorry, but Susu isn't here. Well, uh, well, where are you calling from? The station? Oh, I see. Well, I don't know. You see, this is rather awkward. The house is all upside down, and no, no, I don't think you'd better come, Major. I... Hello? Hello? Well, welcome to the world, Susan Applegate. I couldn't understand a word you were saying. Mother, now listen very carefully. A man is coming here, a major. He's going to ask you a lot of questions about your little daughter. What little daughter? You have a little daughter. What do you mean I have a little daughter? Mother, this is just something that happened on a train. On a train to me? No, to me. Susan. Now, we all came from Sweden. Are you crazy? No, it's just a little gland trouble, and we're all very tall. Oh, Susan, I'm going to call Dr. Taylor. Oh, mother, this is something... this got something to do with Washington. Don't try to understand it. Susan. Just do as I say, because it's going to be an awful mess if you don't. Susan. Listen, you're going to be the grandmother. I'll be the mother. Have you been married? Of course not. Now, look, lend me your apron, mother. And your glasses. Susan, Kathy, Applegate. Quick, darling. He'll be here any minute. Who? The man, of course. Now, don't you think you better go up to your room? Go on, go on, go on. I'm going up to the attic to find your grandfather's horse with. I am major, sir. Good evening, major. Mind your step on the porch. The light bulb is out. Are you? I am Mrs. Applegate. Oh, yes, of course. It's amazing. On the way over, I kept wondering how Susan's mother would look. I knew the dear resemblance, but this is amazing. The way my daughter described you, I thought you'd look rather more like General Pershing. Only eight feet tall. Won't you sit down? Yes. Thank you. Mrs. Applegate, I have only a few minutes between trains, but I had to stop by and see you. You don't know how fond I became of your daughter. Did you? Oh, yes, yes. What a wonderful kid. Those three days she spent with us, it seemed as if... well, as if spring had enrolled at the Wallace Military. We were all very sad. We had to take her away so abruptly. So, you're going west, major. Yes, San Diego for embarking. Going far? Overseas. Tell me, major, how was the wedding? The wedding? Oh, magnificent. Yes, arches and steel, blizzards of rice and the colonel as gay as a goat. How nice. Susan will be heartbroken to learn that you were here and couldn't see me. Yes, I'm sorry too, but it is. But will you tell her that everybody sent they love? Lucy, Colonel Hill, Cadet Wigdon, Cadet Gold, just say companies A, B, C and D. And Mrs. Kirby? Mrs. Who? Your wife. Oh, Pamela. Oh, she didn't marry me. But that wedding you were just talking about. Oh, no, no, no, not me. You see, Pamela avoided making a great mistake. She married somebody much more stable. Oh. Yes, as I see it now, Pamela was absolutely right. No man in my position has any business to marry. Going away, goodness knows how far and who well is what I believe will be war. And yet many soldiers do marry. Yes, don't they? There was a young chap from my outfit on the train and second lieutenant had his girl with him. Going to stop off in Nevada. You can get married there in five minutes, you know. You can. Oh, yes. Then she'll take him to the troopship, goodbye kiss at the dock. Then a letter from him will be two weeks, maybe. No, no, no. That's too much to ask of any woman. I think you underestimate us, Major Kirby. Perhaps all of a woman wants us to be a burglar for soldiers taxed above his bunk or a stupid lock of hair in the back of his watch. If there's only to hear what you've just said, Mrs. Applegate, I'm terribly glad I came. You will give Suzu my love. Yes, Major. I will. Goodbye, Mrs. Applegate. Goodbye, Major Kirby. Station Master, when do you say that train is coming? Two minutes. Thank you. The westbound due, Mr. Higgins. I beg your pardon. Uh, yes. Uh, what is your name? Applegate. Mrs. Applegate? Miss Applegate. Suzu Applegate? Susan Kathleen Applegate. You see, there are a lot of Applegates these two reasons. Yes, there are, aren't there? Oh, uh, where are you going? To the west coast. Only I'm stopping in Nevada. Nevada? To marry a soldier. That is, if you have none. A soldier? An officer. He's going to war so that this country will be spared what happened to France. You know, I have my own theory about the fall of France. Now, this is Sudan, and there was the Big Maginot Line. Suzu. And the German army swung through the Netherlands and Belgium. Suzu Applegate. And the Panzer Division smacked right through here. Suzu. For making the nation a little gayer tonight, our gratitude to Ginger Rogers and Ray Meran as they stepped back to the footlights with Ginger's mother. I believe this is the first time we've ever had a mother and daughter in the same place. CB and I talked it over beforehand. We figured it a good way to keep Ginger in line. You should be able to do that, Ray, for all the work you've done together. Working with Ray is getting to be a career in itself. Right after the major and the minor, I thought it was very shrewd and paramount to put you two in Lady in the Dark. But our audience may not know that that picture has been in work for four or five months. Four or five months? What do you mean? When I started Lady in the Dark, I was just a young lad. My arm was old as... Well, my arm was old as... Keep your eye off me, sonny. Why did you... Why did the picture take so long, Ginger? Well, there were a lot of creepy facts in it. Rainy picture with a photograph of a dry ice cream so that it would look as though I was floating on clouds. One of the dry ice numbers was a wedding with hundreds of guests and a 30-foot wedding cake. So Ginger went out and married a marine with two witnesses. I don't know about the cake. Oh, it was a small one, right? Marrying a marine is very popular these days. Where is he, Ginger? San Diego. And where are you? San Diego, as soon as this broadcast is over. But I'd like to say long enough to tell those who haven't heard about Luxoap that they're missing something really good. Or does everybody know that, Mr. King? They will sometime, Ginger. Luxoap gets around. Now, Mrs. Rogers, I want to ask you just one thing. When you and Ginger came to Hollywood, were you sure she'd become a star? I just assumed she wouldn't hear this, Mr. King, but I was probably the only person in Hollywood who thought she'd let it change. I wouldn't want another to hear this, Mr. King, but I didn't think so at all. But just between you and me and 30 million others, see, do you watch the play next week? Well, Ray, it's one of the screen's current hit. The 20th Century Fox drama, My Friend Flickr. And our stars will be George Brenton, Roddy McDowell, and Rita Johnson. It's a very simple story of a boy on a western ranch and a friend he loves most of all, the little horse Flickr. You'll hear Roddy McDowell as the boy, and George Brenton, Rita Johnson as his father and mother in this drama of the great outdoors next Monday night. It's a very beautiful story, Mr. King. Good night. Good night. The major in the manner was the major event. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux's toilet soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night. And the Lux Radio Theatre presents Roddy McDowell, George Brenton, and Rita Johnson in My Friend Flickr. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen, last week our fighting men lost many pounds of smokeless powder here in California. In New York they lost some anti-aircraft shells. They're losing such things every day, everywhere. And it isn't sabotage, it's just waste. The waste fats that housewives are throwing away. So save all the waste fats from your kitchen to make glycerin for high explosives. Take these fats to your meat dealer to start them on the road to victory. Herd and tonight's play were Paula Winslow as Kamala. Joan Loring as Lucy. Arthur Q. Bryan as Liter Osbrink. Peter Rankin as Cadet Wigdon. Billy Roy as Cadet Osbrink. Frank Cousins Jr. as Cadet Moore. And Ken Christie, Fred Mackay, Norman Fields, Charlotte Fredway, Harry Worth, and Boyd Davis. Our music was directed by Louis Silver. And this is your announcer, John N. Kennedy, reminding you of the tune in next Monday night by Roddy McDowell, George Brent, and Rita Johnson in my friend, Flicka. Mothers, everyone knows it's harder to get vitamin-rich foods in these days of food rationing and shortages. But have you thought about giving your family VIMS? VIMS are scientifically designed to help make meals complete. They give you all the vitamins government experts say are essential, balanced in the formula doctors endorse. And VIMS apply all the minerals commonly lacking. Get VIMS at your drug it. B.I. for vitamins. WMS for minerals. Get that VIMS feeling. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.