 There are a few things as awkward as being a perpetually singled 20-something, sitting at Christmas dinner with your extended family because we all seem to have an Uncle Gerald. You got someone special in your life these days? I mean I got somebody single in my bowling league if you're interested, I think they might be 35 or something maybe, it doesn't matter, age is just a number after all. Now I think we can all acknowledge that Uncle Gerald is coming from a good place. You are being single because those are some of the best years of my life, you're not held down by a relationship. Okay well maybe he's got his own issues. Now speaking from experience, being a 20-something single Christian isn't just ponies and rainbows like some married folks would have you think. Undesired singleness can present a lot of internal challenges, it can wreak havoc on your sense of confidence, self-worth, identity and more. Now this is obviously not ideal especially for Christians, we're called to find our identity and confidence in God, not in our future spouse. But the real challenge for Christian singles is internalizing that truth. Along the journey of being a Christian single you'll find out that many along the way including Uncle Gerald will try to give you pieces of advice and wisdom that they believe are really profound. And while that's very nice of them, often they believe a certain set of lies about relationships, singleness, dating that overflow into the advice that they give. I want to debunk some of the common sayings, phrases, encouragements that marrieds or people in relationships give singles in order that singles and marrieds can once again live in harmony. When you find your satisfaction in God, he will give you a spouse. I can't tell you how many people I've heard tell me this in a roundabout kind of way. It's important to know that lies are most dangerous when they are closest to the truth. And that's very applicable to this saying. As single people and people in general, marrieds included, we're called to find our satisfaction and fulfillment in God and bringing glory to him and finding him as our ultimate affection. As we apply this to being single, we can see a common ditch would be to try to get into a relationship in order to satisfy these deep longings in our heart. Or perhaps to heal old wounds of rejection and loneliness. But biblical wisdom would say that singles should stop looking to our future spouse to fulfill those expectations, but rather look to God for our sense of connection, wholeness and fulfillment. Now that is good advice and I'm seeking to live that out on a daily basis. But this is the problem. People have distorted this good and right biblical idea and have added a transactional element to our relationship with God. It often goes something like this. Listen me son, you need to become fully satisfied in God first. Stop worrying about a relationship, find your satisfaction in him, and then God will bring you that special someone. You see what happened? It started out as some truth, but then it turned into a transaction. The simple lie goes like this. If I find my satisfaction in God, then God will give me the spouse that I want. That is not the way that God works. Other common advice and language around this specific topic goes something like surrender your relationship status to God or give it to him and he'll work it out. Stop looking so hard and give it to God. Now if the advice ended here, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But what often precedes this short advice that people give is that after you do that, then not too long after, God will bring in somebody into your life. And they do this by testifying to their own story. Oh, you know what? I stopped looking for my spouse and two weeks later, guess who showed up in my young adults group? Now, the way these stories are often told and this advice is often given is they're setting up false expectations and they're turning our relationship with God into something transactional. Yes, we should find our whole satisfaction in God. Yes, we should submit our relationship status to him. But that does not mean that God is obligated to give you what you want when you want it. Also, I think it's important for us to realize just because someone is single, that doesn't mean they don't find their whole satisfaction in God. And that doesn't mean that they haven't given God their relationship status. And that doesn't mean that they're doing something wrong. It's not like there's a satisfaction in God, oh, meter or a contentment meter that once you reach, once it gets all full, then God is like, okay, I guess he's ready for a spouse. Let's send him down one. It's like, that's not how it works. And by thinking it is or saying that's how it is, you're basically saying that single people are second class Christians. Or they're not nearly as mature as you, who just all of a sudden is one weekend to dating your girlfriend. You know what, don't you worry. I didn't meet your Aunt Margie until I was 37. I don't understand why this is the thing. Now this is definitely in the category of more humorous and there's generally no malicious intent when people say this. They say it in like a very joyful, you know, keep up the good fight, young man or young woman. There's a person out there for you. But as a person that maybe like, I don't know about you guys, but somebody that is like 23 and you say, oh, you know, there's still hope out there. I met my wife at like 34. I'm like, bro, 10 years are you kidding me? Like that doesn't encourage me really. And totally like I understand God can do what he wants to do. And if that's God's plan, I might not be happy about it right now, but I will grow in maturity and learning to be content in God's plan for my life. And that's, that's how it goes. Like that's the calling as a Christian. So that's okay. I can deal with that. But right here in the now, it's not the most encouraging thing to tell me, hey man, you might still be experiencing another 10 years of the turmoil you're going through right now. It's just so funny to me how wires get completely crossed, like how one person could believe this is so encouraging. And then the other side is like, this is like the worst thing that you could say to me right now. It's all good though. I think as singles, we take it with a laugh. Forget about looks. We all get old anyway. Okay, I get this. I really get it. In large part in our culture, there has been an over fixation on physical attraction and physical appearance and that's not good. So in a lot of ways, the heart of this statement is relevant for a lot of people. However, in my experience, I didn't grow up in secular culture. I grew up a Christian and my experience was very different. You see in the spaces I existed in when I was growing up, this Christian conservative homeschool community, both in person and online. In general, I would say, and this is not on my parents at all. This is kind of the larger community in general. There was a downplaying of physical attraction and the importance of it. Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think attraction was a bug in the system or a result of the fall. I think it's an ingrained feature in how God designed us. Why do we downplay such an important aspect of who we are as people? Now, obviously a conversation on proper expectations to have is definitely necessary, especially for a generation that's been inundated with pornography and sexualized media. Attraction is not the most important, but it is important. And that's why I think we should, as singles, have both chemistry and character as two things that we value. So yeah, physical appearance does fade, but telling someone to just not even think about it whatsoever is to deny an important aspect of how God created us. And I don't think that's a good foot to begin your relationship. You know, singleness is a gift. It's a blessing. Enjoy it. Hold up. Wait a minute. Clarification. The gift of singleness is a gift. What Paul had, he didn't have the desire to get married. He was content with being single his whole life. I really appreciate the way Douglas Wilson addresses this topic. He'll have a young man inquiring to him whether he has the gift of singleness. He, you know, he hasn't gotten married yet, so he's wondering, you know, how is this something that I should be thinking about? Then Douglas Wilson, he proceeds to ask some, do you struggle with pornography at all? The young man replies, uh, yeah? Then Pastor Wilson replies, you don't have the gift of singleness. I've known many wonderful elderly ladies and some gentlemen who have served in the church for decades, and they've done it while being single. You talk to them in their content and their relationship status. They love being everyone's auntie or uncle. Okay, but here's the distinction. Undesired singleness then, though is a blessing from God, as all things are, can still be a trial in somebody's life when they have the desire to get married. Now, I fully recognize that we should give thanks to God in all things, but that doesn't mean that everything that happens to us as singles or marrieds or people in general is yippy-skippy. You don't have to see everything in your life as great just because it's part of God's plan. Yes, it is part of God's plan, and yes, it is ultimately for your good and his glory, but in the moment, man, it can still be tough. If you were to walk up to somebody that was going through really, something really challenging, aside from singleness, something that people would actually begin to acknowledge is a little bit more challenging, maybe they lost their job, and you say, oh man, you must be living your best life. Now you've got so much time to do all this stuff that you've always wanted to do. That might come from a nice place, but how do you think the person that just lost their job is thinking? They're thinking, no, how am I going to provide for my family? No, this is part of my responsibility, this is one of my desires to be a provider, and so now you're coming in thinking that, this is a blessing from God. Yeah, okay, as all things are, it's a blessing, but it's also a trial. The expectation that the single years are going to be some of the best years of your life, I think that expectation is just unreasonable, and I don't think it comes from the Bible. Beyond that, the idea that your single years are going to be some of the most productive, most undistracted years of your life could be true for some people, but it also could not be true. You know, when Paul talks about being undistracted and being able to focus on ministry, largely that is the context of the gift of singleness. But then you think about somebody that does have the desire to be single, and yet they're continually confronted with their own singleness, and everywhere they're going, there's couples all around, there's families, there's children, and there's just deep longing in their heart. In this way, they can be distracted, and that happens. Now, you can disagree with me on this, but I just question the narrative that single guys or girls are less distracted or have more focus, or they're able to put more focus on things, because, often, man, this desire that they have, it's not a wrong desire, but it preoccupies their attention. Rather, you have somebody that's in a relationship that's in this kind of stable marriage. Now, when they go to their work, they're not as distracted, they're not thinking, oh, man, what is my future hold? Am I ever going to find a wife? Am I going to be lonely my whole life? No, you're stable in your relationship, and you have that kind of security. Look, I think this could be a case-by-case basis, but I think we need to give more credence to the idea that being single isn't necessarily just this glorious time of productivity and focus, because when you have this deep longing in your heart and God-given desire to be married, that can be a distracting thing as well. You know what? Don't stress about it. God has got this under control. All the things that need to happen will happen in His timing. You just need to trust Him. Thanks, Uncle Gerald. That's actually some great advice. But in the meantime, there is an opening on my bowling team. Thanks so much for watching this video. If you enjoyed it or got something from it, give it a like down below and subscribe because I'm putting on new videos all the time. I'd love to see you over at the Daily Disciple Club on Patreon. We have a Discord there. There's promo codes for merch, and we also do video calls with the whole gang. It's a lot of fun, so I'd love to see you there. Thanks so much for watching, guys, and I'll see you next time. God bless. That's so wise. That sounds like something I would say.