 The the nice guys I talk about it operates like I said from what I call covert contracts is they're if then propositions and there's three primary covert contracts of nice guy syndrome This be true for guys or girls one is that if I'm a good person, then I'll be liked and loved For most men that often also manifest and the women that I desire to have sex with will want to have sex with me If I'm a good guy, though, they'll want to be with me Second covert contract is that if I meet everybody else's needs without them having to ask Then they will meet my needs without me having to ask now as you can imagine that that's not a very functional way of relating to other people Third covert contract of nice guy syndrome is if I do everything right, then I'll have a smooth problem free life And this is kind of a that's what gets me. I think yeah, I do too I fall. Hey, I did everything right. How come you're upset at me? You know, you should you should do nothing but make my life easy and praise me and appreciate me. I'm the same way so But it's a very immature Peter Panish. Oh if I get everything right everything in my life will work Well, but a couple problems with that is nobody ever gets everything right. We're human work We're flawed, you know, I'm perfect and the other part of that is we don't live in a smooth problem free perfect world We live in a chaotic yes, and and accepting that the world is chaotic is one step towards maturity Because then we quit trying to manage the chaos and so going back to your question then if You are not operating from covert contracts if you're not giving to get and in the way I often put it if you're not giving from an empty bucket And we're most co-dependence nice guys nice girls are because we're not good at making our own needs of priority Our buckets empty we give to others hoping that they will then give back Which means that our bucket doesn't usually get filled and we often have a lot of guilt around Taking good care of ourselves or meeting our own needs or making ourselves a priority when when I tell nice guys You need to make yourself your number one priority in life. They get a deer in the headlight looks Oh, no, that'll make me a bad person I don't make me like my father or all those jerks. I've heard women complain about But no the true sign of maturity in fact, I think the number one Characteristics of a mature adult is a person who takes full responsibility for both their actions and their needs and their wants Now we can't get all of our needs and wants met by ourselves now We can get a good start at it We can get up and drink water and do some exercise and do some meditation We can do a lot of things to nurture ourselves, but we need a lot of people around us We need a posse. I call these cooperative reciprocal relationships We need a lot of both friends professionals practices Different things that fill our bucket from there We can give from the overflow and we can we can be generous and we can bless other people's lives And we can give to them what they need to receive Not what we need to give out of our covert contract coming from place of emptiness So to come back to your question if you are taking good care of you Which is essential if you're gonna give to anybody else if you're filling your own bucket in a consistent way That makes you feel loved and lovable and then you can give from the overflow with no strings attached No covert contracts and give to people what they most need to receive Not what you most need to give to get your covert contracts met So, yeah, you know, I think I heard you mentioned you have a young child. Yes, okay Scarlett. She's she's almost four Okay, so here's an example of what I call two levels of differentiation First level of differentiation is where you ask yourself. What what feels right to me? What do I want? What is what do I need? What's important to me? And then you take action to do that and again you do it even when you experience the resistance of neurotic guilt or change back from the people around you Now there's a second level of differentiation that can only occur after you've Achieved first level differentiation and then you can also ask what is in the best interest of the people I love? What is in the best interest of the planet that I live on right and and now from that place? You might actually make some sacrifices You might actually put yourself second in order to put somebody you love first that needs to be especially a child or An ill parent my mother's 86 and had a stroke and coming up on three years ago She lives alone can still drive, but she's fairly disabled physically and you know, I live in Mexico She lives in Seattle. I get up there at least every other month and people all you go up to see your mom a lot You know, yeah, I go up because she lives alone. You know, she she doesn't have a lot of social connections She can't get out a lot. I go make sure you notice her during COVID You know her pantry is well stocked and and that she doesn't have to do a Costco run by herself and so I Can take care of my mother in differentiated ways now as a child. I try to take care of her in codependent ways because I thought my my my ability to thrive and survive Dependent on me sacrificing me to take care of her I'm now a differentiated adult and I can make sacrifices or I can go out of my way to do things for her