 Well dang I've tried to film this video like three times and I'm trying to do it all in one take but it's not working So let me just Let me just pour it out for you guys. If you haven't seen my video I'm turning 21 and I'm healing you should probably watch that before you watch this video but Let me just be honest over the last couple months. I felt like I've been in a Real like spiritual battle. I've been dealing with severe anxiety and severe Discouragement and And it's come through a number of ways whether it be Producing something releasing something and not getting the response that I wanted or maybe its comments or other things that have Have led me to this point or or whether it's just not seeing as Much of what I want to see like not seeing enough Enough people helped or enough people responding or or just generally in my life seeing that questioning If I'm just a total failure, you know what I'm saying like it just gets down to that point where Um It's this kind of like self-hate like you're never on your own side like you're always you're always on the side of people that are saying What you do is not enough what you do, you know You're always on the side of of the voices in your head that are telling you you are a failure And that you shouldn't have even tried that you should have just quit You're always on the you're always on that side like I I always feel like I'm on The side of saying you're right. It wasn't good enough. You're right. I I I didn't work hard enough. You're right. I I I'm not I Can't do this. You're right about that like feeding into those voices And and I I just think man Where does this where's this coming from for me? It's not like anybody in my life really is like putting this pressure on me to To to succeed or to you know to become this the whatever, you know, that's all me But but at the same time I'm kind of done with with downplaying how How I'm feeling in this because for a while is like well, it's just all internal. So, you know what whatever, you know But this is real and this is like crippling for me It's the biggest thing that I that I battle on a consistent basis It is this this self-hate this this remembering things that I wish I would have done differently or I didn't do well enough or maybe people think I'm stupid or or Whatever, you know what like I just find myself not being able to not being able to rest and and just I Guess I want to reiterate something that I might have already said but it's just for me It is what it is, you know I think we all to a certain degree battle with shame and in some of us more so than others and We get this we get in the space where we are understanding the gospel in terms of our sin against God and How we are we are supposed to you know repent of our sins obviously and that we are We are broken and sinful obviously, right and that we learn that from the Bible, right? But for a lot of us and myself included and I'm just going to speak from my personal experience The biggest challenge of my life has been to realize that I'm forgiven to realize and truly honestly believe That I'm not to put it frankly wretched anymore That I am not Depraved anymore that I'm not a sinner anymore Because those are not that's not my identity anymore But yet those are the places I revert back to I Revert back to saying of course you didn't do this, right? You're an idiot, right? That's why you need God You're stupid Right, you're a failure. That's why you need God But I justified because I'm saying yeah, of course, we're all you know, we're all broken So this is actually okay Like I can be talking to myself like this and I think a lot of us justify that and saying no We're just being theologically correct. Yeah But the problem is is that we're not actually understanding that the gospel has implications and the gospel's implications is that we are not like Self-hate and this is what I'm trying to like I'm trying to believe this Self-hate is not compatible with the gospel Because I think for a lot of us. Well, you know, I'm just gonna talk to about myself for me That was my Based on not from my parents or people in my church just kind of things I was listening to online That was what I took away from it like self-hate Like you should hate yourself And that that shows God how much You hate sin because you hate yourself Then then that's a sign of God. It's the sign just like that's showing God. Hey, look God. I'm really sorry for myself So I hate myself And I think I got in this habit of saying And for a while there, I definitely had this habit of kind of in my head saying every time I did something stupid Just oh my goodness. You're an idiot Of course you did that you're stupid and I kind of cut that out a little bit But I'm still in this place where I just feel like there are certain triggers for sure that can get me I don't know like in this place where I want to just throw in the towel You know, whether it's Something that okay, maybe I'll just this is I'm just talking out whatever um I think Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive for to pursue this kind of like what I'm trying to do I'm trying to Impact people's lives. I'm trying to inspire and encourage people to follow Jesus. I'm trying to Help them follow Jesus daily as a daily disciple, but sometimes I just feel like Maybe I'm just too sensitive for this job You know like like I'm Like me not necessarily like hate comments get to me, but it's more It's more the things that are more close, you know Things that I work really hard on and put them put them out and then they don't get good responses or or It's just always a sense that it's never enough And so I find myself I find myself racking my brain for something that will make it enough You know instead of coming from a place of excitement or Or inspiration or love for God or or or desire to communicate An important message that spoke to my heart. I find myself moving to this place where I'm in kind of a panic Because I want to make this work because if I can't um If I can't get people to Notice me then I failed If I can't be seen by somebody Then I'm nothing I didn't think this was gonna go this deep Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is is that As much as you may think that I don't know where you're at or what your your thing is, but it may you may look at my life and say Oh that guy's faith. He's got it really Solid or whatever But I'm constantly struggling to believe That did like I don't want you guys be concerned in terms of like, oh my goodness. I was exposing his faith, but But I'm but I'm constantly in this space where I'm not questioning Jesus or the resurrection or or any of that. I'm I'm struggling to believe That that there is That he is The ultimate good that that regardless of of my dreams of Of my failures and successes My my love for him and my affection for him is what is most important and I'm and I'm and I'm struggling to believe that even amidst my my my struggles and God still wants me But but at the same time I want to give you a little bit of insight into why I keep going I Feel so deeply within myself that I have a purpose I don't know exactly what it means to What I'm supposed to do with that purpose But I know deep within my soul that I'm here to create for God that I'm here to Whatever it is to write to film to talk to Whatever it is, you know For God to create for God That's all I know really I don't I don't know how all this stuff is going to turn out And that scares me and that keeps me up in the middle of the night. Honestly, it really does And I don't want it to and I and I posted something the other day that said, you know Um, whatever worry is keeping you up in the middle of the night. God is bigger than Let your first act of faith be resting well Let that be your first act of faith and I think I think I need to learn To not be okay like my definition of okay Needs to change because I think I'm holding myself to a standard where I'm I'm I'm I need to perform perfectly. I need to have the answers I need to have a plan. I need to have a strategy that strategy needs to be going well I need to be working productively and efficiently as possible At this expectation, but I think I need to get okay with I need to become okay with with not being that sense of okay I need to be okay with having questions and having doubts and in And in some ways that could It's not like I'm giving up but But I want my first act of faith To be trusting God beginning to really trust God Despite not having the answers to this stuff Despite not truly in my being feel like I've believed what he says about me I don't know guys. That's that's all I got. I wanted to come on here and tell you what's up Um before I leave Um, I just want to thank you guys on patreon It's a huge blessing and and as much disappointment and struggle and and just Whatever there's been I'm thankful for you guys there sticking beside me and if you're watching this video. Thank you for watching this video and God bless guys