 So, you know, in addition to the staff, the shepherd also holds another tool which is called a rod or a club. So again, you have to think of yourself in these terms. I have to make sure I have reach control safety down. Now what can I do? The rod, the rod is there to literally ward off, you know, any predators or anything that's dangerous. So please, if you see things that are clear and present risks for your children, you have to speak out. You can't just be passive and go, I'm not sure if I should say anything, if I should do anything. You have to be of that mindset that I need to shut it down because, you know, if I give this any more time, it might turn into something worse. And I shared last time, for example, you know, there was a mother that I had met whose daughter, who was a middle school aged girl, and she had made some friends who basically started making her doubt her own sexuality as a 12-year-old girl or 11, you know, middle school. And I had, the mother asked me what I should, what she should do, and my advice was very clear. I was like, you need to remove these people from her life. There's no, you know, question in my mind that as long as they remain in her life, she will continue to have problems because, you know, if you have friends like that, God forbid, who are putting all these thoughts in your mind that you, they're not, she didn't, you know, come up with them. They're, you know, planting these seeds like, well, how do you know that you really are straight unless you experiment with someone else? That's the only way you can definitively know. These are the types of thoughts that this poor girl was exposed to, which obviously caused her a lot of confusion. Now imagine if the mother just maintained those friendships or allowed her to continue to, you know, hang out with those people, you don't think that it's going to spiral into even worse things, you know, more experimentation with drugs, alcohol, God knows what else. So you as the parents have to know how to immediately shut things down that you know are dangerous for your, for your children. Yes. Right. So, I mean, I think every, you know, in this situation it was the schooling environments that her daughter was in. So that, I mean, that's a logistical issue that, you know, if you really as, as parents that they don't think like, you know what, if the environment is like this and there's a, this is common practice, maybe we need to consider just pulling her out of that school. Right. So it's kind of an easy fix. Every situation is going to require that sort of, you know, tailored response. So it's hard to kind of give across the blanket because if it's family, it's obviously going to be closer and it's going to cause more problems or if it's someone in the community. So you have to really, you know, be thoughtful about how you approach these things and maybe seek counsel. But I think having this sort of, you know, I don't know if I should do anything because of a fear of a consequence, I think is far more dangerous because the consequences should be very clear. Like allowing your children to continue to be exposed to these types of threats is far worse than any fallout from actually, you know, stopping it. And it's because their soul is at stake, right? I mean, people, stuff for a lot of nowadays, you know, like I said, this, this is such a common thing now. These are topics that are very, you know, talked about loosely in, you know, amongst our children. And so if you allow them to, to be exposed to this more and more, that's exactly what Shaitan wants. He wants to normalize all of these things, make it not a big deal, and stuff for a lot. It just starts to chip away at their, their heart, their, their faith. And so that's why it's sort of like, no, I have to shut it down because the more they're in that environment, the more, you know, there's risk for them losing their soul literally from an Islamic perspective, right? So I would say again, it's going to require a different response for a situation, but just to be as, as thoughtful as possible. So then we talked about, you know, so once you see yourself again, that parenting isn't just this dream that I live, you know, that I dream up and that I, I imagine and it's all going to go exactly like the script that I want because I am who I am and my wife is who she is or my husband is who he is. And we have the blah of all these amazing people. Those are all great, but the responsibility is still on every single one of us. And when we see that, then we look at, okay, now that I see myself as this leader and I have to protect the people that are under my care, how do I do that? You need to know your responsibilities first and then your rights. So you need to know what are the rights of children over the parents because that informs you what your responsibilities are, right? If you know what the children's rights are, then you know what you have to do as a parent. Then what are the rights of the parents over the child? Unfortunately, the script is totally opposite now. All parents go into parenting knowing very well what their rights are over their children and so that's all they repeat to them. You know, you have to obey me, you have to listen to me, Jenna's under my foot and we're just like constantly using, you know, scripture to tell children, to put them in their place and let them know clearly that we have all these help over them. But we need to also be very informed beforehand what our rights are over them. And then also we talked about, you know, does culture define your parenting model or does Islam? Because if you come from a specific cultural understanding of parenting and there's a conflict there with Islam, you have a decision to make. What's it going to be, right? We talked specifically about double standards and the danger of double standards because in many cultures this is common, right? That there's double standards for the way boys are treated versus the way girls are treated. And people don't realize that these are not fair and when you have things that are imbalanced and unfair they have consequences to that. So if you, you know, prefer your sons and you're always letting them get away with everything and you're treating them like they basically do no wrong and then you're hyper-critical over your daughters and her every move is analyzed, you're going to create real problems for them in their adult life. Your boy will grow up to be a man who is very entitled and he wants, you know, he has a lot of expectations from his wife and it's going to cause problems for him in that regard. And also your daughter might, you know, grow up very resentful because she was suppressed all during her childhood. She wasn't allowed to do anything, you know, there were curfews imposed on her. There was always rules. She had to do more chores in the house. She was always like treated a different way than her son. Then you don't think that's going to cause resentment, right? It will absolutely cause resentment. And this is where, you know, she might also, you know, it just breaks things, the relationship down between parents and child. But if you abandon cultural, you know, standards and say what is the standard of Islam, then you see that it's just all the way across. Boys and girls are treated equally as children. They have the same, you know, obligations to their parents. They should participate in the household the same. And men shouldn't, you know, or boys should not be prevented from doing domestic work. This is not girls' work to wash plates and do fold laundry. It doesn't make your boy feminine. These are attitudes, unfortunately, that are very, very, you know, just damaging and wrong because it's completely against the Sunnah of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. The Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam washed his own dishes. He, he sort of, he, you know, he was known to patch up his own clothing. So, Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, whose standards are we accepting? The greater society around us who really, you know, sort of, you know, poses boys and girls against each other and makes everything that's, that girls do low and just, you know, like, we don't want to, you know, participate in those things. And so, if boys are taught that, then they learn to disrespect women's work and they learn to see themselves above and better. But if it's like, no, this is the Sunnah of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and we all practice it across the board, then it, again, brings that balance. And so, inshallah, you raise men and women who have respect for each other and who aren't being pitted against each other like the society wants, right? So, always maintaining that balance. And we talked about the importance of, you know, being, you know, true to whatever you want your children to do, model it first. You can't expect that your children are going to raise, you know, grow up to be these model citizens and perfect, you know, in every which way, if you don't model that behavior for them. So, it's very important to be, you know, to, if you want your children to be properly guided, to know that they learn by imitating, listening to you, watching you, observing you. And so, you need to check yourself and all the things that you want for yourself, make sure that you're doing them as well. And we also talked about tailored parenting and making sure that we know that no two children, even if they're in the same household, even twins are the same. And you have to know how to, again, when we talk about reach, control and security, it's going to be different in some ways per child, even in the same household. Communication styles for boys and girls, for example, are going to be different. And you have to do that research and do the reading to know how to talk about certain topics with each child differently, right? But also, which we're going to get to, inshallah, knowing your children's temperament, knowing that, how are children different, in what ways? And knowing and understanding how their personality types present themselves differently, but knowing, again, how to reach different personality types, which we'll get to, inshallah. And so then we talked about the five characteristics of an effective leader are strong communication, passion and commitment, positivity, being positive, not being this negative person, and then authoritative model of parenting where you're just barking rules and orders constantly, and you're always in a negative state. It's going to be very difficult for you to get the respect of your children if you're like that. They may fear you and you may get them to do what you want in the moment, but you won't have their respect. And if you do it with young children, just wait and see what happens to you when they get into their teenage years. If that's your model of parenting where you're just angry and negative and yelling and it's just like, just constantly like that, don't expect anything but the same to be shown to you when they hit those teenage years and they're slamming doors in your face and they're just not responding to you anymore, right? Because they're modeling what you've shown them, right? That I'm just going to be negative and angry and I'm shutting you out. And when conversations get shut down, it's going to all repeat itself. So positivity is really important when you're parenting to really watch yourself and make sure your energy isn't down and negative all the time. Innovation to be creative. So a big responsibility, and we talked about this too, is we have to be willing to read and get creative in terms of all the things that we want from our children, whether they're really young and we want to teach them different things. But we have to do that. I think our problem is, and it's just the circumstance that many of us live. We're living in difficult times. It's especially Bay Area life. A lot of us work full-time. So it's almost like we're in this constant rush or race and we don't have the time to do certain things. But if you're always outsourcing everything that when it comes to your children to other people and you're not taking certain things on your own, it's going to cause a problem. You won't have much because you're breaking down that relationship. They need you more than anybody else. So there's times, yes, where you can rely on other people to, whether it's dropping them off into child care schools or Sunday school. But if you're not doing anything of your own that's unique for you and your child, then it's going to break down your relationship. So you've got to have to start thinking innovatively about how can I make time for my children? How can I do certain things that are just me and them? And I'm not always just rushing from one event to the other or one thing to the other. And they're kind of, we're like ships passing during the day or the night. And that's what families, a lot of times happens. It's like we're all over scheduled, we have too many things going on. But where is the innovation is where it's like, no, I have to do something. So I have friends, for example, who make it a point where once a year, for example, they will take a trip maybe like a weekend trip or a day trip with each child, just separating the children. So it's to show that child that I see you, you matter to me. And our bond is really important. So just you and me, we're going to go for a day trip somewhere. And we're going to do whatever you want to do and I'm going to bring you into my world or I'm going to go into your world. This is innovation. It's really thinking outside the box instead of always, like I said, just the default setting, which is just to do same routine every single weekend or every single week. Think creatively about how to reach your children, inshallah. And then collaboration. This is again, knowing where, if you do need help with certain things. Knowing who your collaborators are and working with people. Whether they're educators, whether they're other, maybe mental health, people in the mental health field. People who know about children that you want to learn from, read from. There's people like Leonard Sacks, he's amazing. And he's come to the Bay Area several times. Next time if he comes, I highly encourage you to attend his talks. Because even though he's not Muslim, he's still a moral, ethical person. He sees the dangers that are happening in the society at large. And he's really trying to get parents back on track to take control again. Because we've lost control, right? So he's someone who we should definitely look to his books. He's written amazing books. Look to his material. But there's people like that that we should know about. Like whether they're authors or educators or therapists outside. Or here in our communities. But make sure that we know who we rely on. So again, those are the five characteristics of an effective leader. And then reminding ourselves constantly that parenting is a trust from Allah swt. We will absolutely be asked about every single thing that we do. And when you weigh that constantly on your heart, then you don't look at your children as being little sort of servants that are just there to make your life easy. But you look at them like, I have to do everything in my power to love them, to guide them, to give them the foundations that they need to take on this very, very dangerous world. And so it's all on us. It should weigh us down. It shouldn't be something that we just use to kind of justify exploiting our children, which unfortunately a lot of parents, it's like that I made them. I brought them into this world. I can do whatever I want with them. And we said, no, you have to reject that thinking 100%. They belong to Allah swt. And He gave them to us for an appointed time. We don't know how long. But if we accept that this is a huge weight on our shoulders, then we'll take this as seriously. We're not passively parenting. We're going to be actively parenting every day. And then the children's rights are mandated by God. So knowing what those are. The Prophet ﷺ said, sorry, hold on. Fear Allah and treat your children small or grown fairly with equal justice. So this again brings back what we talked about earlier, is just making sure that you're really fair with your children and equal with them, not preferential treatment, just because one child maybe really is sweet and very obedient. And they always do what you say. Doesn't mean that they get more rights and more sort of you give them more privileges just because you like them better. And it's true that you will have that. It's just the reality of life that some children, you will feel stronger bond with than your other children if you have multiple children. But you have to be fair and just when your parents are. If you're using them again in this way where it's like, oh, because I like you better or you do more things for me, therefore you get this and this, you're setting a really dangerous precedent and you have to be for yourself. And you have to really be careful because Allah SWT will take you to account for that. Equal justice all the way across and be fair. So the, and these are from, this is from the Quran. So the Baqarah of the Prophet, excuse me, Allah SWT says that the father will bear the costs of their food and clothing on equitable terms. So this is just a reminder for the brothers that providing for your children is on you. This is one of their rights over you. And then another hadith, the Prophet said, one of the rights of children over their parents is being given a nice name and having a good education. You will be called out with your names and your father's names on the day of judgment. So give nice names to your children. So just making sure that their education, who they're learning everything from is again in line with your belief with your, with what you want for them. And that is what active parenting is. Making sure you're, you know, if you have young children in there in the first grade, kindergarten, knowing what their teacher is going to be exposing them to. I think it was, I think it was Fremont, right? Recently they had a vote where they were going to start introducing, you know, was it, it was something about marriage, I can't remember, but they had a huge vote that they had to take with the school board because they were trying to introduce, you know, certain concepts to children at a very, very young age about different types of families, right? And so Alhamdulillah, you know, people showed up and they weren't able to shut it down, but some parents, the sisters that I knew were involved were very disappointed that more Muslims didn't show up. As we know, there's a very large population of Muslims in the Fremont school district, but they weren't probably even aware that this was being proposed. So this is the kind of stuff that we have to, as parents again, be a head up. No, what is, what are our kids being exposed to? That's a right. It's one of the rights of your children that their education is solid. So making sure that, you know, you know that. So yeah, we talked about this, but again, this is another reminder that there's no two children of the same. And these are two beautiful quotes from Ali Ibn Abi-Qalib, Radhila Khan, who said, do not raise your children the way your parents raised you. They were born for a different time. And this is very important because a lot of our parenting is modeled after the way we were parented, but this is again a form of passive parenting because you're just repeating things that were done to you. Even things that you didn't maybe even like as a child, you think, ah, it worked for me because I turned out okay and I'll just repeat it to my kids, but we're living in very different times. And so being more active as a parent, you're looking at the world around, realizing children are totally different now than they were 10, 15, 20 years ago and basing your parenting on what needs to be done now. And then, you know, this is another hadith that a lot of our understanding about how to reach children and how to teach them, you know, from different stages is rooted from, from this quote of Ali, even if we thought of it again on the line. He said, play with your children until the age of seven. Discipline and teach them from the age of seven to 14 and befriend them at the age of 14. So, and then, you know, we went into the different stages and what we should, what our mindset should be. So in that early stage between two and seven, play, everything should be play-based. We should really be reaching our children with just, you know, their imagination. They're in a world of imagination. We need to reach them there. So storytelling with animation, song, rhymes, and obviously modeling good behavior. These are ways that we can teach them, right, about Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, you know, giving those, you know, or creating a connection with Allah in the process of them. We have to be willing to meet them where they're at and they're in that imaginative state. So actually getting really well-versed in how to teach children in that younger age, these are the things that you'll learn. Storytelling is huge. But not just, you know, reading a book. Because we're all very good at reading books. We can read and we're great at that. I'm talking about animated storytelling where you actually bring a story to life and really bring them into that age of wonder. Right, children? Why do we, they love cartoons and Pixar movies. It's because they tap into this, you know, love of wonder and magic and this world that's just beyond their, you know, imagination. And so when we create that in our storytelling and connect it to Allah in the Prophet's life sonam, you're having the same effect. So when you tell stories from the Seerah that are miraculous, bring it to life, right? Don't just say, oh, you know, Islam-e-Raj, the Prophet jumped on a horse and it had wings and it went, you know, like make it so dry and boring. Bring it to life, you know. Bring that, just that, like, that vision, that those visual effects into their mind so that they can actually imagine it and if you can draw even better. You know, if you can actually draw things while you're telling, that's amazing talent. Why not use it? But using that and then songs and rhymes being, you know, willing to just sing things to them, getting them, like, masha'Allah, you know, for the moled that was here last night, bringing them to places like that is really beneficial for their hearts. Children love songs. They love movement. They love all of those things. So exposing them to that is really important. Ta'alif, which is not too far from here, especially on a Sunday, it's about 20 minutes. I do that drive from Pleasanton in this area. They have weekly molens and it's a beautiful, if you've never been there, you should definitely attend because there's children everywhere and they are all, you know, they're masha'Allah, it's a praise, the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but they, you know, they love it and exposing your children to that is great. So those are things that we can do from a very early age to attach their hearts to the love of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and obviously love of Allah, of course, modeling. That's for the younger age. For that middle, the school-aged children between seven and 14, we should be in the mode of teaching, okay, because now they can actually take instruction. Before seven, they're just in play mode, but at seven and beyond, they actually can, you know, think on a different level and actually, you know, you can reach them by teaching them and really breaking things down for them. So storytelling still works. Metaphors, analogies, really kind of tapping into their more logical brain where they're, you know, thinking things on an abstract level and they're able to think things differently than when they're children. You know, just kind of, you know, again, looking at see it or put on whatever it is that you want to teach them, but doing it, having that understanding that now they're open to these types of things, right? And then still, modeling is very important and we continue to model really good behavior. So also in this age, you know, teaching them concepts like fiqh, you know, and really bringing down, breaking down the why of what we do, right? Because in the beginning it's just, we're just teaching them what it is. They may not know Quran, they have no idea of the meanings. They might not know all of the different beliefs, you know, because they're too young to sort of get certain concepts, but once they're a little older, you start breaking things down, breaking, you know, this is why we do certain things. So fiqh and then also I encourage sharing stories that display things that appeal to this age, right? Stories that talk about valor, nobility, courage, honesty, bravery. A lot of kids in this age because they're dealing with their own insecurities, they might see bullying going around them. They might not have friends that are sort of, you know, being mistreated a certain way. It appeals to them to have stories that talk about, you know, about valor, about winning, you know, instead of always seeing things that are kind of in that negative light around them. So you wanna expose them to that, you know, inshallah. And then I also think it's really important at this stage to teach them practical rules and tips and life skills that boost their confidence. So I was actually telling my husband, you know, that I think middle school children should totally, parents should really look into putting them into classes to boost their confidence that, you know, teach them public speaking skills. And so we're just having this conversation and then he attended actually, there's a, have you heard of Toastmasters before? How many have heard of Toastmasters, right? So a lot of professionals use this and people who are trying to obviously get their public speaking skills set. But he said he went to one and there was a man there who brought his young like 12 or 11 year old kid and I was like, yes, that's a really smart parent because he's realizing if I give my middle schooler who's full of insecurity an opportunity to actually work and hone in on that skill set, it will boost their confidence in ways that you can imagine as they grow into the high school age and college and on in their professional careers, just to be able to be comfortable speaking in front of people and having their voice and knowing how to do that effectively. Why not start early? So these types of life skill sets are really important or just anything that you, you know, a skill set, you know, if they're in a sport or something else that they can learn that kind of again is special, it's their own thing, you know, nurture that if they have an interest in something like that, nurture that because it does help boost their confidence in an age where their, you know, Shaitan is just really tries to break their confidence down and I know because I work a lot with teens and this is we all remember, right? Adolescence is a really difficult time for kids but if you give them things that inshallah can offset that, it really helps. But it also creates a nice bond because it came from you. You saw a talent, if they like to draw, put them in arts classes, if they like chess, give them, you know, play with them, let them get so good that they beat all the adults in the family. It's good, it's good for their confidence. But because you did that, you see, what you're doing is you're tightening your bond with your children. So this is innovative parenting. It's thinking, I need to, you know, look at where my kids are, the different unique talents that each has and I'm going to nurture each one in their own way as best as I can. But I wanna do that. I don't wanna teach you or someone else to take that, right? I mean, it's okay if those opportunities are there but it's much more special if it's coming from you as the parents. But you have to think of these things. And then the teenagers, 14 and beyond, the theme really should be to befriend. We have to befriend our children. Again, this is a time where unfortunately, you know, in the early stages or early years, parents are the main influencers over their children. But there is a time where friends become the main influencer. So even, you know, like whoever your children's friends are, they can absolutely override you. You know, in your absence, this is where kids learn to be more deceptive and to lie and to start doing things behind their kid's parents' backs because maybe they were peer pressured or maybe, you know, they just listened to someone who gave them bad advice, how does that happen? It's especially, and it's actually worse if you have this authoritative model where you have no personal or sort of friendly connection with your children and it's sort of like top down. Like I'm your parent, that's it. You just follow my rules and I don't really want to engage with you on a more deeper level. It's just follow the rules and that's it. If you have that type of parenting style, then for sure your kids are going to be under the influence of their friends more than you. But if you realize like, you know, the teenagers is where I really, really need to be close with my friends, then you'll take the time to start doing things more with you and them and, you know, so for example, you know, I suggest taking classes and doing experiences together. So you and your children, if there's a class or something that you think would be good for them, doing it with them, not just dropping off and going, I'll see you in a couple hours. No, going with them, accompanying them, sitting with them and learning the same thing and then using that as an opportunity to discuss, to dialogue, to debate, it's really good to encourage your teenagers into discussion because what you're saying when you're open to have discussions with your children or your teenagers is that I actually respect your point of view. I want to listen to your point of view, even if you think they don't know what they're talking about and it's like internally you're just like, oh, here's those teenagers going on about things they don't know. It's okay, you know, let them get it out, let them feel that they're validated, you know, when they're talking to you. Because sometimes, again, we talk at our teens like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. But this is very unhealthy and it's actually going to cause more division and more, you know, just distance. So the opposite of that is true, engaging them, having discussed, what do you think of this? What do you think of what's going on, you know, with the world or whatever it is, any news story that's going on, but letting them know I respect you, okay, because this is one of their primary needs in this age that you respect them. So these are, you know, the different things per age group. And then we just kind of went over some statistics. So this is encouraging for parents who are really trying to raise children who are rooted in their faith, okay, because there is clear difference between children who have strong faith and homes that faith is important, whereas homes that are more secular, and it's like, you know, it's not really a big thing, you know, our primary thing that's talked about or relevant in the family. So here, 54% of teens devoted to God say they are happy, while only 29% are disengaged, okay? 47% of religious teens think about the meaning of life. So, Alhamdulillah, if you plant these seeds early on, you get your teenagers actually to think about life seriously, to weigh the consequences of their decisions, you know, to have this sort of, you know, mindset will prevent and protect them, inshallah, from what the culture outside is telling them, right, which is YOLO, FOMO, right, you only live once. These are the things that teens are getting bombarded with, like just, you know, do whatever you want, you only live once, and that's honestly the most, one of the most destructive messages, but everybody, all the, you know, the people in media, the, you know, the icons that a lot of teens look up to, whether it's social media or musicians or artists or whatever, this is their way of life, you know, promoting this attitude to just live in the moment, feed your nuffs, basically, do whatever you want. So, you have to think, how can I offset that, is giving your children a really strong foundation early about God and about their relationship with Allah swt, and the numbers speak for themselves. When you do that, it does, inshallah, protect them, right? They say here, 95% of devoted teens feel it is important to wait until marriage for sex. I mean, that's really big, and that's to our advantage, because they're, you know, you're giving them those things early on, that by the time the topic becomes something that they're, again, you know, confronted with, that they, alhamdulillah, have, you know, their conscience is clear, and they know exactly that it's not something for them. And then, as far as the last statistic here, according to the Journal of Adolescence, findings demonstrate that religiosity measured as perceived importance of religion, attendance in worship services, and participation, oh, I'm sorry, you're not reading the same slide, pardon me, here we go, the one in the yellow. So, findings demonstrate that religiosity measured as perceived importance of religion, attendance in worship services, and participation in a religious youth group, significantly contributed to explaining variation in six youth risk behaviors, smoking, alcohol use, truancy, sexual activity, marijuana use, and depression. So, to bring them to the masjid, to attend those classes with them, to constantly remind them, again, of the importance of religion, and having a connection with Allah, it's gonna protect your children, insha'Allah, from a lot of the stuff that means our, that are plaguing teen culture. So, it's good news for us, insha'Allah, as long as we do what we're doing. So now, this was a summary, because I wanted you to follow the conversation for those of you who weren't here for the last time, a summary of what we talked about in the first session. Now, part two, the outline is a little different, and we're gonna try to get to as much as possible, but let's go ahead, Bismillah, and jump in here. So, spiritual principles and practices for every Muslim home. Every Muslim home should really think about where they are when it comes to these issues here. Number one, to love Allah SWT wholeheartedly and practice daily gratitude to Him, okay? Now, we obviously know, insha'Allah, we know the importance of the five daily prayers. This should be something set in stone in your home where, Alhamdulillah, everybody prays their prayers. And you should encourage this as much as possible in congregation. So, obviously during daily hours, when the kids are in school, you're at work, it's difficult, but in the evening, if you can make Maghreb and Isha together and even Fajr before they go to school, that means you've done three prayers as a family together and two of the prayers are not done together. This is still huge and you should make this part of your family culture, where it's just, this is what we do. We pray in Jama'at, this is the importance of prayer and not like everybody for yourself and oh, you just kinda walk in and I gotta pray real quickly and it's just disjointed and disconnected. It doesn't give your children the sense of how important prayer is if everything's rushed and nobody's really communicating about prayer. Or if it's just like, yeah, did you pray and you're just shouting from across the hall as reminders to each other about prayer, why not, Allah, it's time to prepare everybody together. It should be done as a family and it keeps you in check and it keeps them in check. Love of recitation of the Qur'an. This is really important. I used to teach Qur'an to little kids and I always remember that parents, some parents would come first couple of weeks or a few weeks into the school year and they'd be very, very concerned about how many surahs their children was memorizing, their child was memorizing. And as a Qur'an teacher, I would have to stop them and say, listen, this isn't a HIFS program, okay? If you want HIFS, put them in a HIFS program. We're teaching your child to love the Qur'an, okay? And so that is a process. It's not like focusing on memorization alone isn't enough if you want your child to love the Qur'an. You have to, again, bring those stories to life. Make the Qur'an relevant to them. But in addition to that, teaching the recitation of the Qur'an like an art form instead of the subject is a really beautiful way to make an enjoyable experience. So teaching them how to recite beautifully, teaching them to find meanings or certain meanings of surahs that really speak to children's hearts. There's so many things that you can do but it all takes again some creativity on your part. But I would have to tell parents and I remember having to actually do like assembly sort of to just address this issue like, listen, it's so important that we teach your children adab with the Qur'an to really know what the Qur'an is. This is the greatest treasure we have to know how to treat it, to know how to walk with it. I've seen kids in many spaces, they're going maybe in Sunday school or wherever, they have no, they're just treating the Qur'an like it's another book. They just tuck it under their arm and they're walking around with it, sometimes dangling it by their side. This is unacceptable. We have to, as parents, teach them, this is the greatest thing that we have and you have to honor it. Hold it with two hands above your waist, make sure your inner state of will be very mindful and respectful when you're touching the Qur'an. And then when you recite it, you bring your awe. This is the Book of Allah's Panthana. You don't sit there distracted, looking at your phone while it's like, okay. And it's like, this is what unfortunately, again, what so many kids are forced into because their parents aren't really watching over them or they're just outsourcing this subject to other people and they're not really aware of what's going on. But walk, go into certain spaces and you'll see really tragic things. I remember one of my friends, she was in a masjid and she was working in a room adjacent to where the Qur'an teacher was teaching the students. And she was just listening to the banter that was going on during the class. And when the Qur'an teacher was present, the kids were just like frozen, model. And they were listening, because they were afraid, right? She said one time in particular, she said the Qur'an teacher stepped out for a moment. And as soon as he walked out, the kids started saying the worst thing. Like, I hate this, and the Qur'an teacher used a curse word, class. What do my parents bring here? And they're all like angry and bitter because their parents are just maybe, it's after hours, after school hours, it's like a convenient drop off for them they think like, oh, they're gonna go learn Qur'an. If your child expresses to you a disinterest in learning the Book of Allah or is frustrated every time you tell them to go learn, then you're not going about it correctly. There's a problem. There's a disconnect, they're not, if they're like, ah, and that's their attitude to the Book of Allah, but you still force them to do it, what are you doing? You're creating a total negative association. I had a student once tell me that her friend, this is what goes on in our community, but her friend began to cut herself because she'd been traumatized her whole life. And one of the main reasons was because her mother was so hard on her when it came to Qur'an that even as a young three, four-year-old, if she would make a single mistake, she would chase her around the house, meeting her, hitting her. So if you hit your children, Astaghfirullah, yell at them and force them to learn the Book of Allah and then, you know, guilt them the entire time, you're making terrible mistakes, terrible mistakes because you're literally giving Shaitan ammunition to make them, Astaghfirullah, hate the Book of Allah. So if you're, please be mindful of how you teach your children Qur'an and who you allow to teach your children Qur'an. Make sure that they're gentle and that they're loving and that they do it with beauty because it's the Book of the Most Merciful, the Merciful. You can't remove mercy when you teach the Book of Allah and compassion. So be very careful with that, but a big part of how you beautify the Qur'an is to, again, approach it not as just this subject that has, you know, it's all a numbers game, but rather, you know, make it a beautiful experience. Recite with them, teach them to recite and go easy on them, you know. It's unless you're trying to produce the next, you know, Mishadi al-ifasi, don't look at just numbers because these verses will, they'll be responsible for them. Whatever they've memorized that they're not acting upon later in life, you know, they're gonna be held accountable for it. So you have to be very careful with just trying to, you know, get to like, oh, I just want them to finish so then I can have like this big party for them and, you know, hold them up as a trophy in front of the community. Your priorities aren't right. It's very important that they love the Book of Allah. So make sure that when you're teaching them Qur'an that it's done in a really beautiful setting and our teachers advise having some treats out for them, their favorite treats, always making really positive associations. You can do dates if they like dates. You can do cookies, you can give them candy, but like having that out as part of the experience, right? We're learning Qur'an and, you know, inshallah this is what we will have to look forward to bringing stories to life. These are all tips, okay? So, and then they get it, you know? I talk about this a lot but it's very important that we do the protective du'as every single day, okay? So how many people here do awrad every day? Like you do a word as a family. Alhamdulillah, good. So the awrad, there's different ones, but our teachers here, all of our teachers here, they all recommend that we do the word al-Latith which is the word of Imam al-Haddad. You can do a search for it. There's PDF files. It's all available to you for free and there's YouTube videos. It's an 18 minute recording. Every single day, this should be part of your household like, you know, experience. Well, in our household, for example, we do it at, I mean, excuse me, in the morning while I'm making breakfast. For the kids, we have a Bluetooth speaker. We play it. It's resonating in the whole house. Everybody hears it. And it's just 18 minutes, but it's protective du'as. And I promise you, if you get into the habit of this, you will see the blessings in your own life but also your children, even of the younger ones, they will memorize it without even knowing they're memorizing it. They might not speak Arabic. They might not have any idea. They might not even be reciting along with it. But if they're hearing it every single day, you will ask them, you know, in a few months' time to recite parts of it, they will know it. So this is beautiful for them and for you because it's like they can be coloring. They can be playing with their Legos. They can be eating breakfast, but it's just, inshallah, reminders and it covers everything you can think about in terms of, you know, all the potential problems of your day and it's asking Allah to protect your everything, you know, protect you from worry and depression, anxiety, protect you from debt, protect you from physical harm, protect you from every evil in His creation. And you're just, it's all from the sunnah. But these are things that we should make as a practice in our home. If we want to protect ourselves and our children from all the harms out there, we are empowered with these du'a. The Prophet SAW left them for us for that exact reason. They're protective du'as. So if you're worried about, oh my God, I'm worried about my children, but then you're not doing this, there's a problem, there's a disconnected. You can't be with them all the time. You can't oversee their every movement, but by, it's kind of like putting them in this protective force field around them before you send them off to school or wherever they go, even if your kids are a little older and they work. How did that make this a part of your culture in your home, in your family life that you do daily El Rah every day? And to be honest, 20 minutes of your time is nothing. If you consider the peace of mind you have to know, Alhamdulillah, I've called on Allah to protect my children very specifically with very specific thought. And insha'Allah I put my trust in him. So it's very important to do that. And then to be devoted to the Prophet SAW said them and committed to following his sunnah. It's so important that we, again, model this behavior ourselves. So taking on the attributes and the characteristics of the Prophet SAW for ourselves and then teaching our children the importance of modeling that, being gentle, being self-spoken, just all the things that you associate with the Prophet SAW, being compassionate, speaking kind words, being generous, right? All these things that we love about him and that brings us to tears when we read about him, we are supposed to model it. It's not just that we look up to him and we're in awe of him and that's it. The objective is that we're doing it. So we follow his sunnah in every which way as much as possible. And this is for the brothers and the sisters, right? So, you know, and this is a direct command from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala in Surah chapter 59 verse seven. He says, Which is, and Allah says, and whatsoever the Prophet SAW gives you, take it. And whatsoever he forbids you abstain from it and fear Allah, verily Allah is severe in punishment. So following the sunnah of the Prophet SAW is exactly that. Following his way and abstaining from what he prevented us from abstaining from. And then daily Sadawat, right? Very important again for us to realize how much we should be calling on or bringing in the Sadawat into our homes, making sure that our children are reminded of how important he is in our life. He's a central figure in our life. We should be remembering him. We should be seeking, you know, just that connection with him. But if we're not doing these things and then we're constantly, you know, saying when we're bringing him into our life and when we're trying to make him, you know, the central part of our family, we cannot do that if we don't realize that he, and everything he did from, you know, the moment he woke up until the moment he slept, he gave us something to model. It's recorded for us. There's no other tradition you'll find that has as much detail of how the Prophet SAW has lived. But if we're not doing these things and then we're saying, oh, he's important, it doesn't make sense, right? How convincing is that? If you're not doing anything or you're very minimally following his sunnah, when you wake up, you don't say the du'as that you're supposed to say. When you go change your clothing, there's du'a for everything, going to the restroom, leaving the restroom, eating food, finishing your food, leaving the home. If we're not putting these sunnahs in place, but then we're trying so hard to convince our children how important he is, how convincing is it, right? You can't sell something that you yourself don't even believe. So it's so important that if you want him to be followed and respected and loved, that you first emulate that in your own practice. And so make sure that you're doing the things that are necessary for your children to say, okay, that they can follow you, but you have to create that. So that's where sunnah was very important, making sure that your children are doing that, but you are doing it as well. And there's actually a really, I can read a few of them, but here's some of the benefits of just doing sadawaf on a daily basis. First of all, you're responding to the order of Allah swt commands that we do sadawaf, right? And then you're also the angels, the angels do sadawaf on the Prophet's life center. There's 10 blessings from Allah for the one who evokes one blessing on the Prophet's life center. So there's immense reward in that. He who sends blessings upon the Prophet's life center, Allah raises him by 10 degrees. So your rank will literally be raised just by making this a regular practice. He's also written for him 10 good deeds, erased from his record, 10 bad deeds. You receive intercession of the Prophet's life center, okay? It's a means to have your sins forgiven, to have your worldly needs met. It's a means to draw near to the Prophet's life center on the day of resurrection. And it compensates for giving charity for those who are too poor to give it. So if you're not in a means to financially give much, just do sadawaf and Allah swt will give you that same rewards from Allah. It's a means of fulfilling one's needs. It's a means to receive the Prophet's life center's blessings, right? Especially on the day of Juma. Every time we recite sadawaf on the day of Juma specifically, he by his own tongue will respond sadawaf back onto us individually by name. So just imagining the Prophet's life center will say your name and say your children's name, right? I mean, that should just blow our mind, but if we're not doing it together as a family, then again, we're not creating that love for him. And it's all on us, it's our duty as parents to be doing these things and teaching our children to do them as well. It's a means of salvation from the horrors of the day of resurrection. For the Prophet's life center to return blessings, so we just said that. It's a means to remember something which has been forgotten. So if you've ever tried to remember something and you can't, this is a practice, just do sadawaf on the Prophet's life center. Or if you've lost something, there's people who, if you lose something, they'll tell you just do sadawaf on the Nebbi and you'll find it. I found in my own personal life, and this is like, it's amazing how often this happens for me. If I'm ever in a parking lot and I need a space, especially during the Christmas shopping season when it's almost impossible to find a parking spot or in a place where it's really difficult to find a lot. And as soon as I begin sadawaf, every single time without fail, not only do I get a space that opens up, it's usually amazing. It's like in the first row. So do it, it's amazing. You just see Allah just opens doors for you. And I've done this so many times where I know it's completely an opening from just doing the sadawaf. But these are things that, if you put it into practice, you realize that there's immense benefits that you'll feel in your children as well. They'll feel that. They'll experience that in their hearts and everything. It's just you're opening so much barakah to your home. There's so many mashallah in this list. It refines the worshipper's character and manner. So you'll just benefit by becoming better. You'll emanate more nur. You'll actually start emulating other qualities of his. Because if you're taking on the practice of doing sadawaf on both sides of problems and your connection with him is stronger, then inshallah, naturally, you're going to start following more and more of his sunnah and taking on more and more of his qualities. So it's like just all the way around an incredible benefit for you. But I would really recommend, and I've written about this too, about giving children their own tespih, making it a special sort of thing for them where they actually get to go and select their own. They get to pick the beads. And this becomes something that they can have that's their own, but that you give them, encourage them through incentives to do their sadawaf. But inshallah, you should make this a regular practice. And then also Friday especially should be a really special day. The prophet said it's the Eid for the believer. So really making it a fun day. My kids, for example, I don't give them devices regularly. We have a no device rule during the week. But on Fridays, select games that they really like. I will allow them for, because it's Friday. And I want them to make those positive associations. And I tell them, this is because of jama. They'll get lollipops on Friday. They'll get ice cream, certain treats that they really like. But I always remind them, it's because it's Friday that you're getting these things. This is the blessing of the day of the prophet's life set up. It's the day he was born. And so we always try to, I actually didn't use the day born on Monday, but we always remind him, this is the day of sadawaf for the prophet's life set up. So to remind them that this is why it's such a special day, that's why you're getting these things. It's really good, because you're making, again, positive associations with him and with the day of jama. And then to understand that these are principles that we should all definitely teach our children and understand them first and foremost ourselves. The concepts of ihsan and ikhan. Ihsan, which is to do things with spiritual excellence, okay? And ikhan is to do it meticulously, but also thoroughly. So whatever, you know, when we do something, first of all, again, it goes back to us. We have to model this if we're gonna be effective at teaching our children. But there are concepts that if you start applying it in your home and everybody falls in line, it's just a benefit all the way around. So you know what, let's just start doing things really well. So if we're gonna do something, if we're gonna cook a meal, we have really good ingredients and every piece, you know, all hands on deck, we're all doing it as a family. We just, we're always mindful, we're present in the moment and we're not, you know, taking shortcuts here and there, but just making this, just a part of how you conduct yourself in every which way. If you, you know, clean something, if you have like a chore, if your parents or if you yourself are, you know, delegated to do a certain task, then you do it so well that it's impressive and then that, you know, something that they'll model. So it's like, oh, if you're cleaning the bathroom, you know, do it really well, show them. This is how I want it to be done. Make sure that everything is clean. It's not just like this, you know, quickly wipe down and you know, I'm out the door going back to my games sort of experience that a lot of kids unfortunately do, right? And then the parents walk in and of course, we're never really happy, but we're like, I will just take it. No, you should bring them back and say, well, do you really think this was done with Ihsan? I can still see a big mess here. You didn't even touch this, you didn't do that, right? But remind them that they didn't really do a good job and make their standard better. And then, you know, the same for yourself have the same standard, but teaching them these concepts early will, inshallah, you know, benefit them in many ways spiritually, but also in their work, in their school, because you're not, you're teaching them not to just, you know, be sort of, like live in this sort of a blasé sort of mindset because that's where our culture, nobody's doing things sincerely or really with wholeheartedness anymore. It's just like limited effort possible because we're all spread thin, everybody's tired, exhausted, right? But it really does affect your spiritual state if that's just who you are and that's how you live. Where it's like you're not really putting your, your full effort into something. So try to teach that early on. And then, tafakkaran tadabur, this is to reflect and to think, right? To contemplate the consequences of things. So for young children, you know, just teaching them to think about things and when they make mistakes, if we're just focusing on the punishment and not really teaching them how to, you know, realize what, like to dig deep, realize the source of why they did what they did, but also to weigh consequences before they act, so preventative measures, right? When you teach them to do this, then they'll weigh the consequences of every act seriously and they'll think about maybe twice about doing something they shouldn't do because you're teaching them that this is something we should do as Muslims. We should reflect on things and we should reflect on the consequences of things. So obviously as they get older, when certain topics come up, this is easier to do because you can kind of, as a family, have a discussion about certain things. But it's just important to these terms for them to know what they are and then for you to put them into practice. Murakaba, which is to meditate, okay? To watch over one's spiritual heart. This is also another very important thing that they should be learning even at a young age to really just, you know, think about their connection, you know, with Allah to think about these things, to think about the, to know the diseases of the heart, for example, right? How many people here have the book, The Purification of the Heart, Maisha Hamza? This is a wonderful book that every family should have and you should actually go through and look at the diseases of the heart and talk about them and say, you know, like how, you know, anger, anger is a big thing that a lot of kids struggle with. But really looking at that as a disease and talking about how that affects, you know, your spiritual heart and what, you know, what the remedies are from the sunna of the Prophet, I said, how should we deal with anger? But like, you know, giving them topics like this to really reflect on and identifying that as this is a process in our faith, we do this, you know, we should do this, we should do muraqah, we should think about these things. And then muhassabah, which is self-inventory, very important to teach your young kids to look at their day every single day and figure out, you know, where they, what their high points were, what their low points were, where they, you know, need to improve. But making this like a daily sort of practice and you can either do that as a, you know, as a family where you kind of talk about things, maybe over dinner, like have like a, you know, a sort of line of questioning, like who wants to share, you know, maybe their high point of the day and is there anything that you're not proud of that you did today? These could be very important family discussions, right? But it allows them to, again, learn this skill set that I need to take myself into account every day and to really think about my, you know, what I've done and make this a spiritual practice that they continue well into their teen years and adult years, inshallah. And then teaching them also because, you know, kids need to know the balance of how to be generous, okay, with their time, with just who they are without, you know, without affecting their spiritual heart. So giving, being generous is very important in our tradition. We should know that. And, you know, you can teach them all of the hadith and the ayahs that are related to generosity, but to be also mindful and wise about how much they give of themselves, of their time, of their money. You know, sometimes kids get taken advantage of, you know, because their hearts are so pure. So just teaching them to give with prudence, to not give everything right away, you know, that's important. And also another very important concept that they need to learn early on is to mind their own business. Okay, this is a principle in our faith, you know, that we, you don't, nosiness and getting involved in things that are not for you to get involved in is not part of our tradition. And unfortunately a lot of kids get pulled into very dangerous things because, you know, they're either nosy or someone's pushing them into doing something, you know, a friend's especially, you know, they're getting involved into maybe another person's drama, right? A lot of kids are peer pressured into getting involved in things that are not there, like they have nothing to do with them. Because maybe, you know, again, it's something that's happening in their pure group with their friends, but just teach them that as a principle, we don't get involved in things that have nothing to do with us. And you shouldn't either, okay? If you see something that's happening in school, it's a fight, people are fighting, it's not for you to go and see what's going on and like dig or, you know, something's happened with a friend for you to start calling up and what's going on, what's going on with her, just mind your own business and live like that. You know, it protects you and it's just part of, again, our tradition. And this is, again, based on the Hadith, in Hussn-e-Islam al-Mara'ima tarqum al-Aya'ni, which is indeed among the excellence of a person's Islam, is that he leaves that which does not concern him. So it's really a matter of, you know, for us too, as adults, I mean, if we're nosy and we're, you know, on social media, I mean, that's another big part of it, right? Like within our friends and peer groups, one thing, but also if you're just looking into everybody's business and constantly wanting to know things and that's how you're living, then your things are gonna follow. You know, if you're talking about other people and what they're doing, did you hear about so-and-so? It's like you're modeling the worst qualities for them. So just mind your own business and teach them that you shouldn't be, you know, worried about what other people are doing. Focus on yourself. And if they have, like, is it social media accounts to really monitor what they're doing, why they're watching certain things, why they're following certain people? What's their main objective? But controlling that, because it's a very serious issue. Okay, so now, in the time that we have, inshallah, let me see here. So I wanted to talk about here, it's hard for you guys to see this, so I'm just gonna go to the next slide. The power of fives, okay? So there's a couple of things that are relevant to what we're talking about here. Experts say that maintaining this magic ratio of five to one, it's positive to negative comments is really a healthy model for all relationships. So going back to your parenting style, if your negative comments, and whether it's with your spouse or with your children, if you're more negative, then you have to take yourself into account. Is it, you know, how off are you from this ratio? If it's more negative than positive, you're on a very destructive path. For your marriage, it's not gonna go well. And this is based on Dr. John Gottman. He's a leading psychologist, psychological researcher and relationship expert. He basically studied 700 married couples and, you know, he watched, they were given prompts and then they were allowed to discuss things for about 15 minutes. And then they went back and they watched the tape of their interactions. And he was able to, with 94% accuracy, determine which couples were going to last and which ones were going to divorce. Just based on watching them for those 15 minutes because they picked up on how many negative exchanges they had versus how many positive. So you and your marriage, with your marriage and with your children, you have to see where am I in this ratio? Do I, you know, am I very hyper-critical parent or hyper-critical spouse where all I'm doing is nitpicking and nagging and finding things to criticize? Or am I fair and balanced? Do I praise just as much as I criticize? But try to, this is the magic ratio they say. You can stay within this where you have five positive and then maybe you can be, because you also don't wanna, you know, completely gloss over clear issues. You have to call things out if you see them and their problems. Being critical is important, but also, you know, being tactful, not being harsh, but still being constructive criticism is important. But keeping this ratio, five to one, it's just something to remember. And then the five love languages is also very important. How many of you have heard of this? The five love languages. Okay, so this is another really important, you can do a search and there's books, you know, Dr. John Gray, I think that's the author. He wrote this book that talks about basically every single person has different ways that they communicate love and that they receive love. So not only do we communicate it or we give love differently, but we also receive love differently. And you have to know your own love language and your partner's love language, but also your children's love language because children are different. So when we talk about tailored parenting, this is part of it to really recognize that not all children receive love the same way. So the first love language is called words of affirmation. So if you're the type of person that really responds to words like praises, compliments, someone writes you a card or a letter or sends you a text message or email or it's just sending you a really loving message and that really means a lot to you. That's one of your love languages. It means that you need a lot of feedback. You need positive feedback. So if you, for the sisters like for example, if you cook a meal, okay, this is one of my love languages and I've set it out and my husband doesn't say anything, it instantly bothers me, right? Because I expect, I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for him to go, oh, this is so delicious, right? So he knows that and he knows that I'm waiting for it. You better say something. So, Alhamdulillah, we're very clear on our communication, but this is for me, I told him, I said words matter to me. So I'm expecting certain things, you know, communicated. You can't just eat and then expect me to know that you liked it or tell me that you liked it. Tell me what you liked about it. And I'll know if he didn't like it because he either says very little or nothing at all. So, but this is one of my love languages. Another love language is acts of service. So if you really appreciate when your partner helps you with certain things, whether it's chores around the house or just different responsibilities and things where they're willing to always take care of certain things for you and that matters a lot to you, then you can empower your partner and your children like, listen, I might not need compliments and don't like flower me with all that stuff. I need you to take care of stuff. So if I give you a responsibility to do it because that, you know, removes stress from my life, then now they know that this is the way that I can actually show, you know, show you love. Gifts, if gifts really matter and you're the type that, masha'Allah, when you give a gift, you go all out and you're very thoughtful. You shop at specific stores. You package things beautifully. And there are people who are like that. They really are amazing at gift giving. Then this is likely your love language too. And you really appreciate when someone goes all out and gives you like an amazing personalized gift or just something that tells you that they were thinking of you. It might not even have to be anything expensive or anything like that, but just the fact that they went through that trouble, right? To go and get you something and thought of you in your absence. That means a lot to you. Then that's your love language. Quality time, if none of those things really matter. You're not looking for compliments. You can do things on your own. Gifts really, you don't have that much value for material things, but you really want to spend a lot of time together. And you want physical proximity. Like you don't even have to be sitting next to me, but just be in the house. I need to see you. I need to feel your presence in my life. Don't be always leaving. Then that's probably your love language. And then physical touch. So if you're affectionate and you really respond to that, that's your love language. But all of these are so important to identifying ourselves first. Identifying our partners. And then in our children. So there's actual, you can take, there's quizzes that can kind of help you determine what your love language is. I would definitely encourage you to do this with your children. And you'll see what it does again is it helps you to customize your parenting with your children better. Because you'll know like some kids they might want gifts more as others want quality time. But it makes a big difference in your parenting style. So these are just the power of two little things that I thought were good takeaways for you to think about when considering your, again, parenting style. Okay, so any questions before we get to this? Cause this is the topic that I've been waiting to get to the temperaments. Any questions before we get here? Yes. Yes. So nice to meet you. Mashallah. You know, doing the bare minimum, which is what that hadith was, right? Isn't the same as saying that I'm not, because we're not talking about necessarily quantity. We're talking about quality. So if you're going to do the bare minimum, then you better be doing it really well. So if you're just going to do your follow the prayers, let's say, and you're not going to do sunnah, then you better be doing them with absolute khushu if you're going to use that hadith, right? Cause you can't just use that hadith to say, well, I'm just doing the minimum because that's not the standard of the Prophet's lesson. The Prophet's making it easy for people to say that you don't have to do beyond that quantitatively, but the quality, there's no argument there, right? You have to have khushu, you have to make sure you're present and mindful of Allah's promise, all those things. So that's where you, I would focus on, because sometimes children, they can be very smart, right? And they think they've outsmarted you and they come with all these quick comebacks, but you have to also think like the mind of a child and say, I see what you're doing here. You're looking for a nice little shortcut out, but I'm going to remind you that the Prophet's lesson didn't give that, that hadith isn't related to us so that we can just use it to, you know, basically take the easiest route. It's actually made to simplify for people who have maybe challenges and difficulties, but the quality of standard is not compromised, right? And so remind them that you have to do whatever you do, if you're going to pray a certain amount or fast a certain amount, whatever it is, just make sure it is 100% and that's ihsa, right? The quality is still there. That's a good question, alhamdulillah. Okay, so the four temperaments is a topic that, you know, it's highly encouraged to study when it comes to, again, individually for us to know ourselves really well, our spouses, but also our children. And so what is it? So it originated in ancient Egypt or Mesopotamia, many, many, many thousands of years ago. And it's very, it's linked to the, or the science of the four elements, okay? And this is around 400 BC. So the four elements are earth, air, water, and fire. And this was the, you know, Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine. He basically came up with this theory based on, you know, his just looking at different human behavior and emotions. And he said that based on either an excess of or a lack of certain bodily fluids, people behave differently, okay? And so he looked at blood, yellow bile, black bile, and slim. And these are the four fluids that he was looking at different, again, people and saying if there was an excess or, or, you know, there was a shortage of these humors he called them, then people would behave differently. Now, centuries later, Galen, who's another Greek physician, he came up with a typology of temperament based on the same science. And he said, he went to the next level and said, he classified human behavior as either hot, cold, dry, or wet. Again, this is related to the four elements. But then he gave them names and he said, people based on, again, their different levels of these fluids in their body, they behave differently. And their typographies are sanguine, choleric, melancholic, and phlegmatic. So basically, based on where you are, where your fluids are, you're gonna behave a certain way and it's going to fall in line into one of these four temperaments they called them. Now Ibn Sina, who we know as every, or every Chen or Ibn Sina is, you know, he's the greatest or one of the greatest, you know, physicians in Islamic history. He extended the theory of temperaments to encompass emotional aspects, mental capacity, moral attitudes, self-awareness, movements and dreams. So they're all kind of expanding on this science, and then later on, other Muslim physicians, in addition to Ibn Sina, are Abu Bakr, Muhammad Zakaria Al-Razi, Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyah, and then Jalaluddin As-Suyuti. They all also commented on this science and used this science of the four temperaments. So this is a very big part of our history. So what are they? Here are the four temperaments again. The choleric, the sanguine, phlegmatic and melancholic. So every person, according to the science, falls into predominantly one of these temperaments. So all of us here, as we read the descriptions, you're gonna find, okay, that actually sounds like me. And once you get more well-versed in this science, then you can study it for your children too. It's very important to know your children's temperaments. So the first one is called the choleric, okay? So who are the cholerics? So the names are kind of difficult, sometimes for people to remember. So just remember the animal that's associated with it. Okay, the choleric's animal is a lion, okay? And they are extroverts, okay? So if you're an extroverted person, you might be a choleric. They're reactionary. So very quick to react to things, fiery sort of energy. They're rational and not very emotionally expressive. So if you're not someone that's easily, or you just don't express yourself very well emotionally, you might be a choleric. Natural born leaders, so very strong, willed people. And that's where that red fire energy, so you see that, again, the lion have all that imagery there. They're assertive and in charge. They tend to dominate whatever they do. So if you're ever working in a group setting, you will know the choleric very clearly. They're probably the one talking over everybody. They like things done their way. They're argumentative. They're kind of just really just strong, willed and strong headed people. And their motto is we like to have it our way. So that's one of the, you know, controlling sort of personality type. So if you identify with this, you are likely a choleric. And this is again for brothers and sisters. The next is a sanguine. This is represented by the animal, the golden retriever. Okay, so extroverts as well. So friendly, super, just, they're reactionary, but they're very, they're emotionally expressive. They love people in large groups. So they kind of tend to be like the life of the party. They just, they're bubbly. Okay, that's where that yellow color just, it's just happy. They seem to be a little too happy, maybe too chipper all the time. They're talkative and excitable. They're optimistic, they love to laugh and are usually, again, the life of the party. And their motto is we like to be popular. So they're very well known. Okay, they're always maybe just social, just very social people. Okay, so if you're a sanguine, then just keep this in mind. Again, that golden retriever, happy sort of personality type. Then we have the phlegmatic. Okay, so now we're into the introverted signs. So they're introverted and they're represented by the otter. Okay, they're non-reactionary. They're emotionally expressive. They love to analyze people. So they tend to just be a little bit more quiet and a little cool. Okay, they're humble and calm. They have very calming nature. So they're not excitable. They don't, when they talk, they're not like loud and boisterous. They're just calm. They have, you know, they're versatile. I mean, they're flexible. They're kind of go with the flow. They're great listeners. So if you have a phlegmatic in your life, they're the ones you can turn to and they're just very, very, just have that calming, healing presence. And their motto is we like it peaceful and calm. And then the last one is the melancholic. Okay, they're introverts as well. They're non-reactionary. They're not emotionally expressive. So the melancholic is similar to the choleric in that way. Okay, but the difference is that one's reactionary, the other's not, right? They're serious and very analytical. So if you're a numbers kind of a person and you're just like, you know, you like to just stay focused and on task and you're not like a dreamer, always thinking about things, but you're just very focused on what's happening in front of you. You're liking systematically done. You're like organization. You're likely a melancholic. Task-oriented and natural problem solvers. They're very disciplined and organized. And their motto is we like it done the right way. Okay, so these four temperaments again all of us fall predominantly into one. There are blends, but you should by now know where you are. How many people feel like they identify with at least one? Yeah, okay, good. So once you know yourself really well, as I said, and there's a book, it's called The Temperament that God gave you. It's a non-Muslim author. I can't remember the author, but you can find it even in libraries if you don't wanna buy it. You can just check it out. But it's a book that our teachers recommend reading because it does give you more context into this science but also helps, as I said, with children, with parenting because you'll start to see your children's temperaments. You'll start to see if you have an extraverted child and an introverted child. You'll see that they're different for a reason. And the two primary things that really help to measure, this is pretty detailed, but just a quick way to assess what a person's temperament is is how reactionary are they? Are they reactionary? And how long does that reaction last? So let's say if you have a conflict with someone or in a confrontational situation, the choleric, this person, they're gonna fire right back. So it's like a hostile sort of exchange. They're not ones to back down from confrontation ever and they will not forget. So a choleric personality type is not afraid or intimidated by confrontation and they'll likely cut you out, like you're just done. I have no time for you and because they're not very forgiving so they'll hold that grudge for like years, okay? The sanguine, they might react in the moment because you're catching them off guard so they might have a response right away but then guilt will overtake them. So maybe 10 minutes later, they feel bad and they'll come to you and go, I'm so sorry. Can we forget about what happened, please? And a lot of times in marital situations is very common, right? One partner or the other will do something like, hit below the belt, say something really mean, but then they'll just feel so bad for it a few minutes later and it kind of can throw people off, like what? So it's very common to have this dynamic but the sanguine will want to fix it right away even though they're reactionary. Now the phlegmatic, they're the type that if they're in a confrontation, they almost freeze. They don't know how to deal with it in the moment because it's completely like they just shut down. So they won't say something right then and there. They'll just stand there listening, observing and then three, four days later you'll get that text message or phone call, okay? That says what you did was very offensive. I'm very hurt by what you said. And so they're non-reactionary, okay? But they're forgiving. So they wanna fix it because they're still emotionally invested in the care. So it's like they don't react right away but then they want to patch it up quickly. So they'll say, I still love you, I forgive you. So they're quick to get over it and they won't hold a grudge. The melancholic is the toughest one to crack because this person is not reactionary at all. So they'll, if it's a confrontation, they'll just, again, remain quiet and you won't hear anything from them for maybe years, okay? So like you won't even know half the time with a melancholic why they're upset at someone. They won't say anything until maybe years down the line and then they go, well, 10 years ago, you said this to me or you did this, you disrespected me. And you're like, what? You've been holding on to that for that long but they are very capable of holding on to things for a very long time. So they hold on to grudges, they're not very easily forgiving and they're non-reactionary. So think about your children. Do you see, because you should see patterns already. You should see that child who's very unforgiving if you have one of those, if something happens and they're just like brooding forever, I won't forgive you. I'm still mad at you. And then you might have the other child who as soon as something happens, they're just like, it's okay, it's not a big deal. And they're like quick to forgive and move on. This is their temperament. It's revealing itself. But when you study it really in depth, it helps you to again know how to reach them better, right? You're not just doing a one size fits all parenting. You're actually tailoring it to their personalities. Like this is unique to you. You're unique in this way, therefore I have to parent differently for you. And honestly this science is, it's been used for decades by educators, by psychologists. Unfortunately now, it's not as common anymore. But you see it and even in the professional world, there's companies that do personality typing and testing. What for? It's because they know that if you actually figure people out and kind of see patterns of behavior, you're able to place them better in the company or give them assigned work and tasks to them that's more suitable for their temperament. For example, like a melancholic person is great for accounting work or office work, right? Because they're not very personable. So they're not somebody that you would put at the front end of the office to meet and greet people or in a business. Because their personality types, they don't have that disposition. They're serious, analytical, critical thinking people, great for doing things like in the back office, right? And then a sanguine, right? Though a sanguine would just wilt like a flower if you put them in an office or put them in a job where they're not interacting with people. They need to be in the front end. They need to be out talking to people because Allah gave them that personality where they can just really engage well with people. So if you know your children, then you can see their strengths, right? And then help them to develop their strengths and also prevent them from doing things like I had, I remember I did a talk once and then afterwards one of the moms came up to me. She was totally devastated. I did a similar presentation where I talked about the temperaments, but she was just crying and I was trying to calm her down. She just felt horrible. She said that she realized that her two sons were very different. One was an extrovert and one was an introvert, but their whole life basically, she measured her introverted son to her extroverted son and he was never good enough and she always felt like he was lagging or just lagging behind because her extroverted was outgoing. He was just very successful. He was athletic. He did all these things that were just really shy. And her introverted son was not that person. He was very timid, very quiet. If he went to a social gathering, he wanted to carry a book with him everywhere he went and he just find a corner. But she always felt like she was, and she did after the talk, she realized that had she known this before, she would have just seen their individuality. But unfortunately, she really damaged her own words, her relationship with her second son because she made him feel always inferior. So it was a moment for her, but this is why it's so important to study these things early because you won't do that, inshallah. You'll actually start to see your children through who they are and you'll start to tailor. Again, you're parenting to them, but if you don't have this in your tool belt and you're just gonna treat them all the same, then you're not gonna make those connections which we talked about in the beginning, that reach. You're not gonna have very much reach with your children. So this is why it's so important to really learn your children's personality types, be attentive to their differences and honor them and validate them because just like you're unique, I'm unique, we're all unique, so are your children. And even though we have ideals about how we want them to be, if we see them exclusively as extensions of ourselves, it's a total injustice because they're not. They're not extensions of us. We, you know, there are children, but they're individuals and they might have sparks of us here and there, but you have to let them grow into their own person, still guide them, still show them the right way, but don't judge them so critically and harshly that just because they do things differently than you do or that you think is good or ideal, that you start looking down on them and then treating them harshly and using words like, oh, you're a loser and parents talk about, they can really damage their children. They're not aware of the harsh words that they say when they're critical, but it can be very, you know, these are lifelong issues that happen when you talk to your children that way. They'll deal with that for their whole life. Yes. Absolutely, because as we talked about the emotional expression, right, that's gonna be a big sort of indicator of what a person's love language is because emotionally expressive people do like, like the sanguine is absolutely gonna love words like praise and affirmation, right, because that's their expressive, right, and it's like Maddox as well. Like Maddox love to connect, they love, they're very emotional people. They're just not as reactionary as a sanguine, but they're similar. So these two signs are similar just as the melancholic and choleric are similar. They're not as emotionally expressive, but they might respond a lot to acts of service, for example, right, or quality time because even though I don't need you to, you know, shower me with words, I still appreciate you around me, right? So yes, there's definitely a correlation there. And again, when you're learning these things together, you're gonna start seeing patterns for yourself, your spouse, your children, everybody in your life, you're gonna start to suddenly see them through their lens instead of seeing them through your own subjective lens, which is usually not accurate, right? We don't always read people accurately, but we're, you know, unfortunately, because we only have our own selves to rely on, we think we've got it down. There's a lot of overconfident people who think they know people really well, but they really don't know them. They're just applying, projecting their own views onto that. But when you do things this way, you really are knowing people because it's like, I've studied you. We've looked at this. We've looked at your leveling, we've looked at your temperament. We now have something to help identify the nuances of your personality, and therefore, you know, we're becoming more fluent in reading each other. And if the whole family is doing it, the siblings know each other. It's like, my children, they know their temperaments. We've talked about love languages, and it comes up. You know, they use it even for themselves. Like, oh, you know, if they're having, you know, like an outburst, so they go, so Mr. Collarick, you know, is coming out now, you know? But it's a good thing for them to use because it prevents them from labeling and harming each other with language, you know? Which is, children can do that. Siblings do that with each other all the time. They start fighting. There's no understanding, right? It's just like, oh, they just, they're angry because they don't understand their siblings' behavior, or words, or whatever. So then they just start taking everything personally. But if you actually frame it this way and empower them to know that you're different than them, they operate differently than you. Be respectful of how you engage with them. And, you know, take these things into consideration. Then everybody's validated, right? It just creates more empathy, which is what we want. We want to be more empathetic. We should want our children to be more empathetic. These are all prophetic qualities. The Prophet Solomon was very, like he, when he was with people, he really took time and made them feel like they were completely seen and visible and heard. He really paid attention to people. We're, again, because of our distracted worlds and natures, we're all just sort of, you know, robotically moving through our worlds and our families and our home life is like that. But this requires you to actually be more present. So that's why it's very important that we study these sciences. Yes? So it seems like they're still in the... Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. And the objective here, yes, is to identify where you are, but to not just look at yourself as like a, you know, this is who I am and that's it, you're a work in progress. And they say that actually in the, when you're saying the four temperaments, I'm not sure who came up with this, but that all of the four fulafah are represented by one of each four. So you can see, and then they said, the Prophet Solomon, he had perfect balance, right? So he's a perfect balance of everything. And our objective is to look at his model and you'll see that everything, all the negative qualities that go under each one are resolved when you get to the process of, because you don't see that there, right? He's just, he's the perfect representation of how we should be. But when you, yes, if you look at yourself again as a work in progress and you realize that my task, my spiritual task is to, you know, to tend to all these things, whatever my negative qualities are or the things that I need to align with his way, I have to work on that. So if I have a problem being more, you know, if I'm not as affectionate, if I'm a melancholic or a choleric and I have an issue being affectionate with my children or my loved ones, this is not from, you know, this is not the pathetic way, right? There's Haditha, when he talks about that, about, you know, being more affectionate with your loved ones. So how am I gonna work on that? I have to dig deep, be more vulnerable, kind of find the words, if it's hard for me, work on that, right? But looking at yourself constantly as a work in progress and trying to bring more balance. Yes, absolutely. Yes, you're bringing balance because the sanguine, what do you think, let's just talk about, for example, spiritual diseases. What do you think might be a spiritual disease that a sanguine personality would fall into? From the diseases of the heart. Showing off, exactly. If you're a sanguine and Allah's giving you this ability to just be like super friendly and talkative and you're outgoing and you can go out there and do anything, this is potentially gonna be something that you have to work on, right? Or a risk for you. That you're probably going to, you know, because popularity is now, is what motivates you, that you're starting to do things just to be seen, just to be recognized, to be praised. So this is a disease of the heart, potentially, for you. So this is where, yes, you have to bring balance. If you're always in the front, if you're always in the center of attention, maybe you're leaning too much on that and even now with social media, you know, this is unfortunately a big thing that social media promotes to be seen, to be seen, to be seen. So even people who are necessarily sanguine are afflicted with this disease. And so it's definitely something to consider. But each one of them, like choleric, they're one of their primary diseases that they have to work on is anger because they're very reactionary and fiery. And so if you're a choleric personality, you have to be true with yourself and say, yeah, I have to reign that in. I'm too intense and I can intimidate people. Maybe I am scary. Maybe I need to be real with myself and just say, you know what? It's not that I'm a terrible person because the reason why I love the science is it does really validate the fact that there is design in human personality and temperament. And we're all just designed differently and uniquely, but it's not that it's a blemish, you know? Because sometimes we break other people down or we break ourselves down and just attribute all these negative qualities and take it on like we're horrible human beings. And especially when you're comparing it to the problems I said, and then you just feel like the worst, right? But if you actually sit there and say, Subhanallah, it's just design. And that's why I love that, you know, that the four of Khurafa are represented in each of these because you can see that. Like, I don't know who we know. He was very Jalali, right? And he was very intimidating, but he was also incredibly soft. And he, through his journey, literally, he transformed. So there's hope to say that no matter where you are, there's hope for positive transformation if you, like the brother was saying, see yourself as a work in progress, like wherever your negative qualities are. But when you empower your children with the science, again, it validates them. You're not attributing them all these horrible qualities and just labeling them and making them feel like they're nothing. You're saying, this is just your personality type and these are the areas that you need to work on. And these are your strengths. So masha'Allah, Allah's giving you this great ability and it's a much more positive way to help bring more understanding, insha'Allah. Yes, right away. I mean, you can see him very early on. Oh yeah, that's why the book, The Temperament That God Gave You, it's really like for parents and educators to look at for children. So you'll see, like, yeah, you can see the science very early on. And people, like I said, will, they can change. Yeah, so it's not like it's set because as you grow and environmentally, things happen, you might shift or you might start taking on sort of a blend between two different, there is a primary and a secondary. So when you take the tests and they're online and even in the book, it'll determine for you what your primary is and what your secondary is. And you'll see, like, a crossover. So, yeah, it's a very, very helpful tool. I'm sorry? Oh yeah, sorry, yes. So this is, like, matter. You know, Allah, maybe because the four temperaments is initially based on, right, the fluids. So if, you know, we're really true to the science and there is a physiological sort of aspect there, right? And that's what the science is, is that all of these different fluids, and you know, it explains the variation of human behavior. So, yeah, I'm sorry. The other ones too, yeah, it's England. The, I know the text is very small, but I can, if you like, to give me your email, I can always send you, like, the more clear descriptions. Okay, inshallah. But any other questions about this? Yes? Sure. Right. Every single personality test out there is based on the four elements. And that's why they're all very, like, multiples of four. You'll have 16 personalities. So they're all based on this ancient science. And that's why, you know, when you look at it, it's so fascinating. I mean, this has been around for millennia. It's upon a lot. Right? Alhamdulillah. All right, jazak al-khana, if there's no other questions, inshallah, I think we're right on time. So we can end, inshallah, and da'a. Jazak al-khana. So we'll finish our da'a. Inshallah, the next one will be in a month. Yeah, we'll announce the date. I don't, I think the date is set on the website, but I'm not sure. Do you know the date? Okay. Inshallah. Okay, alhamdulillah. Jazak al-khana. All right, so we'll end. Subhanak Allahumma wa bi-hamdaka sh-shallu an-la ilaha ila antara astaghfirullah wa natubu ilayk. Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik al-as-sidra wa maulana m'shamad sallallahu alayhi wa sallim wa anani wa sahbihi wa sallim wa as-salamu alayhi wa sallim. Bismillahi r-Rahmani r-Rahmani r-Rahim. Wa la'asir inna linsana wa bi-khosir illa alladina aminu wa amiru salli ha'ti wa ta'asu bi-haqi wa ta'asu bi-sarr. Jazak al-khana, and thank you so much for coming. Insha'Allah we'll see you next time. And if you have any questions, I don't have it written, but I can provide my email address to anybody. And offline we can exchange more information. Thank you.