 The Great Gilder Sleeve A special rebroadcast for all you soldiers, sailors, and marines of the United Nations. Listen to another amazing episode in the life of the Great Gilder Sleeve. Now let's join our friend the Great Gilder Sleeve, who for once is at a happy evening. He's at the Summerfield Jolly Boys Club surrounded by his good pals, Judge Hooker, Floyd Munson the Barber, Chief of Police Gates, and the friendly pharmacist, Mr. Peavey. I don't know who it is, Floyd, but somebody's singing it wrong. Somebody doesn't sound Irish. You're a little bit of heaven fell from out the sky one day. Well, you were all right, Floyd, and the Chief sounded okay, so it's either Hooker or Peavey. Peavey, what were you singing there? You're a little bit of heaven fell from... That's all, that's all. Peavey, you haven't got an Irish bone in your whole body. Well, I wouldn't say that. My grandmother was half Irish. Well, do the best you can, Peavey. Come on, let's sing. Yes, yes, let's go. I've got to get down to headquarters and relieve my desk sergeant. Well, all right, this will be our last song. Should a little bit of heaven fell in a spot. Lights on all over my house. What the dick? Hope nobody's sick. Who's that out there? It's me, Bertie. Open the door, will you? Just a minute. For heaven's sake, she's got the chain latch on. Come in quick, Mr. Gillespie. Thank you, Bertie. Bertie, what are you doing with that poker? Oh, Uncle, I'm so glad you're home. You ought to be in bed, Marjorie. I put this hour every night in the house burning. Don't you know there's a war on? Worse than that, Mr. Gillespie. Burglars. Burglars? What makes you think so? Uncle, you don't talk so loud. What's the matter? Are they asleep? What is all this nonsense anyway? Mrs. Ransom called up just a few minutes ago. There's a prowler in her kitchen. Did she see him? Well, she heard him. She wanted you to come over and chase him away. Where is she? In bed. She said she had the telephone under the cover so the burglar couldn't hear her. Well, I guess I better go over there, huh? Why didn't she call the police? She did, but the line was busy. All right, I'll go see what this thing is all about. You go to bed. I'm afraid to go upstairs. You think the burglar's up there? Might be. He might have climbed in the window after I came down. I don't think you ought to go to Mrs. Ransom. This is all your imagination, my dear. Psst! Mr. Gelsie! Huh? You hear something? No. Did you? I thought I heard something in the cellar. Birdie, you're growing up. I expect you to keep a cool head from your shoulders. Yes. And don't say psst again. It makes me nervous. Yes. I'll go look in the cellar and I'll look upstairs to make sure there's nobody around. And I'll go over and see you about Mrs. Ransom. Yes, sir. You be careful, Mr. Gelsie. Don't worry about me. I'll just look down the cellar stairs. Doc, down there. Go away, burglars. Well, nobody down there. Are you sure, Uncle Mort? I'm positive. I'll just lock the cellar door anyway so he can't come up here. Now, come on. We'll go upstairs and make sure that's all right. You go up. Then if it's all right, I'll come up. Don't be silly. Come on, Birdie. You come too. Yes, sir. But if you don't mind, I'll bring the poke along. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. In the first place, burglars don't come this early. They come later. About what time do they generally arrive, Mr. Gelsie? Well, I should say around four. That's when people are sound asleep. So that's when it's sleepless for the burglars. I'll never be able to sleep at four o'clock again. Oh, yes, you will. Any burglars in here? I guess not. You can go to bed now, my dear. Would you mind looking in the closet, Uncle? Closet? Well, it's not necessary, my dear. I'm certain it is. Nobody in the house? Uncle Mord, if you're sure, would you mind? Well, of course not. Nobody in there. I'll go to bed, my dear. I'll just go and get my old service pistol and I'll run over next door. Why don't you take your air raid helmet with Gelsie? Good idea, Birdie. It's good enough for bombs. It ought to be good enough for burglars. Not that I expect to find any over there. You understand? Get an old .45 here. Leroy doesn't know I keep it in here with my collars. Are you kidding? He shut it to every boy in the neighborhood. Why do you I thought I told you to go to bed? I will when you go out. Very well. Let me see. Is this thing loaded? Yes, sir. She's loaded. Well, I'm off to the wars. Mr. Gelsie, you be careful with that thing. Somebody might get shot. It won't be me, Birdie. Where's my air raid helmet? In the hall closet, Mr. Gelsie. He's got moth balls in it. Moth balls? Birdie, moths don't eat air raid helmets. No, sir, they eat overcoats. But I had to put the moth balls somewhere. Yes, I found it. How can I catch any burglars? They'll smell me coming a mile away. I know she's going back to sleep. Leela. Maybe I can hit her window with a pebble. If I can find a pebble in the dark. Here. Well, first shot. Leela. Must have her head under the covers. We'll have to try a bigger pebble. Leela. Well, this one ought to do it. That was a real pebble. How did it's me? Of course it's me. Come on down and let me in. Yo, there's nothing to be afraid of. Just run down the stairs and open the front door. I've got a gun. The key is in there. Anybody in there isn't making much noise. All right, burglar. Here I come, a rootin' and a shootin'. Hey, George. It's darker in here than it is outside. Leela, come down here and turn on the light. Leela. Of course it's all right. Now, where's the light? I don't think you should turn on the light yet. Why not? The burglar might see us. There isn't any burglar? Have you looked in the kitchen? Well, no. That's why I heard the noise. What noise? I don't know exactly, but as soon as I heard it, I said to myself, burglar tools. Leela, you wouldn't know a burglar tool if you found a suitcase full of them. What was the noise? It was somewhere between a scratch and a scrape. And then, of course, I heard him walkin' around out there. Leela, it's just your imagination. There's nothing to be frightened about. Oh, my, but y'all brave. Must be wonderful to be a mine. There, there. Now, Throck Martin, this is no time for that. But Leela. Maybe we better turn the lights on after all. Well, I better go look around in the kitchen first. I wish you would. You realize this is all ridiculous, of course. Well, I'm just as certain as I'm standing here that there was someone in my kitchen. All right, I'll go look. You hear anything? You? No. Let's go a little further. Nobody out here, Leela? Nobody but the kitchen clock? The man may have sneaked out on the laundry porch by the back door. Oh, you would think of that. Well, I'll go look there. Well, just as I thought, your imagination. When the woman... What's that? Don't forget, I got a gun, Leela. If you shoot it, I know I'll die. Leela, it's me or him. His life or mine. Stand back, you crook. All right, you ask for it. Has Gildersleeve shot his old friend Judge Hooker? Will Leela Ransom paint from the excitement? And what about the burglar? Stay tuned to this station for latest developments. Once again in just a few seconds. In the hall of the widow Ransom, where suddenly the piece is broken by a wild shot and a scream followed by alarms and excursions. Oh, light! Where's the light? Judge, are you all right? For goodness sake, where's the light? I keep turning on the gas. Put down that gun. You realize you almost shot me? They have not. What about him? I'm the one who was almost killed. Oh, Judge. Gildersleeve, have you got a permit to carry that thing? Certainly, I've got a permit. I'm a deputy, if you want to know. Oh, well, I think you're both liams to come over. Here, I was all alone and just scared to death. I telephoned every man in town on you, and here I am in my negligee. Oh, don't apologize. Pretty one, but it's at the cleaners. About this burglar, Leela, let's get the facts here. She's already given me the facts, Horace. She heard noises in the kitchen. Probably a cat. I don't keep a cat. This was a burglar. How do you know? Have you found anything missing? Any jewelry gone? No. I always wear all my jewelry to bed because I'd rather die than lose any of it. I thought you looked a little dressy. Is there anything else worth stealing? Well, I should say so. Now, that great big old high boy there, that's over 300 years old, belonged to my grandmother Beecham. Well, no burglar's going to lug that thing off. Have you checked the silverware? The silver. Why did not think of that? First thing they steal. Oh, mother's oyster forks. They go plate it. I'll go count them right away. Yeah? You don't really think there's been someone in here, do you? Well, I wouldn't be too sure, Judge. Maybe we ought to check the windows and see if he dropped the Jimmy somewhere. No. See, what they tell you? Well, we might as well. What's gone? Off the path. It was a hundred years old and solid silver. Lily, you sure you didn't put it somewhere? Positive. I always kept it right on the tray there with the other things. Wouldn't be out in the kitchen or someplace? No, because I always kept it right there. You see, Judge, there's the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher, but no coffee pot. Yeah, it's a fact. Oh, it belonged to Beauregard's great-grandmother, too. Well, she'll never miss it. Let me ask a question. If the burglar was going to steal the coffee pot, why didn't he also take the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher, not to mention the tray? For a very simple reason, Judge. Because he was interrupted, that's why. Now, here's the way I reconstructed. He was stuffing the coffee pot into his sack, but he heard me at the back door and went sneaking out the front. No, it's possible. I'll tell you another thing. If I know burglars, this burglar will be back. What for? For the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher. Racious. No, no, don't be alarm, Lily. Gildy, what makes you think you know anything about burglars anyway? I have already told you, Horace. I happen to be a deputy sheriff. Besides, the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. You know that. Maybe he doesn't, maybe he doesn't. Well, he certainly isn't going to return while we stand here like ninnies with every light in the house on. We've got a set of crap for this fellow, Judge. How? We'll use the rest of Lila's silverware for bait. What? Uh-huh. We'll pile everything in the middle of the dining room table where he can't miss it. That'll bring him back. You don't think that we ought to bundle them up in a table cloth so that he can throw them over his shoulder. Very funny, very funny. I'm serious, Judge. You clean out the silverware drawer. Lila, hand me those silver candlesticks. But, but, Strachmont, those candlesticks belong to... Never mind who they belong to, let's have them. Must I give up my solid silver vegetable dishes with the good-groomed edges, too? Well, I guess so, Lila. Everything goes in the kitty. Oh, but, but, Strachmont, suppose the burglar takes him? You've got nothing to worry about, Lila. I'm here. We're both here. There. That's fine. Now, when the burglar creeps in the window with his lantern, the first thing you'll see will be the silverware. That'll throw him off his guard. Turn out the light, Horace. Turn out the light? Well, certainly. Don't expect him to come back as long as the lights are on. Well, I'll think if you, gentlemen, don't mind. I'll just run upstairs for a minute. Yeah, that's right, Lila. This is no place for a woman. Turn off the lights, give me. Dowson, Judge. Too dark, isn't it? Where are you, Judge? Right over here. Don't get so far away. Judge, I'll tell you what. What? You what? I didn't know you were standing there. What do you want? Well, when the burglar comes, you jump on him and I'll run for the phone. Oh, no, you don't. We'll both jump on him and let Lila fold. Okay. Judge. Yeah? The bookcase in my den on the third shelf behind the Harvard classics. There? There's a brown envelope. It's got my insurance policies. You ought to have a safety deposit vault. I know. I wish I had. I wish I were in it. Must have been my imagination. He's coming in. We got you covered, throw up your hands and we'll blow your head off. Wouldn't do that. PB. It's PB. Turn on the light, Horace. I don't know what you're going to say. PB, I thought you were home in bed. I wish I were. What are you doing here? Mrs. Rancher called up a while ago. Yeah, I know. She called up the judge too. She called up everybody. Mrs. PB insisted that I run over here and see what I could do. I don't want to get on the nervous side herself, Mrs. PB. Always hearing things. Hardly a night, I don't have to get up and make a tour downstairs. Yeah, all women are the same. Sometimes I think they just like to get men out of bed. Why, it's Mr. PB. Oh, good evening, Mrs. Rancher. Oh, it was so good of you to come over. You'll excuse me if I'm a little informed. Yes, indeed. Was there something? I heard sounds, Mr. PB. I accidentally heard sounds. She thinks it was a burglar. It was just as I was getting ready for bed. First I thought they were in the kitchen, and then it sounded as if they were on the roof outside my window. I don't want to alarm you, Mrs. Rancher. But you know, it might have been a peeping tom. Mr. PB, aren't you nice? Whoever he was, we've scared him away, fellas. We might as well be getting home, I guess. Oh, don't go, please. It's after two o'clock in the morning. Oh, please, Rockmonton, don't leave me all alone by myself in this big old house. I won't sleep a wink all night. What are we going to do? Well, if it wouldn't be asking too much, if you could spend the night down here on the sofa. You want me to stay down here alone with the burglar? Well... Oh, no. I'll do it if the other fellas stay, but that's all. Well, how about it, Judge? Will you stay and help protect Rockmonton? I don't want any protection, and I get lonesome. Please, as long as you ask it. Oh, thank you, Judge. I knew you would. Mr. PB, will you? Please, pretty please. I'd feel so much safe if you would. Yeah, come on, PB. Let's make a night of it. Well, I don't know what Mrs. PB's going to say. Yes, I'll do it too, but I'll do it anyway. Good for you. Atta boy, PB. Well, after all, she sent me over here. Let her worry. Oh, I'm just so grateful to all of you boys coming over here to watch out for me like this. Judge, you want to pull those two chairs together for Mr. PB to sleep on? There's a hand here, Gillette. Horace, I guess you'd have to sleep on the love seat as Rockmonton gets the sofa for obvious reasons. Yes. I'll run upstairs and get the slides. You know, I don't mind doing a lady a favor, but there's just one thing I'd like to know. Where is the chief of police? Burglars is supposed to be his problem. You know very well where the chief of police is or where he was at the Jolly Boy. Of course, there's no telling where he and Floyd went afterwards. I believe they were headed for Ireland. Now, here's a blanket for each of you. Make yourself comfortable here. Rockmonton, you stretch out on the sofa there. That's right. Tuck me in, Lila. I want to be tucked in. Me too. I usually have somebody kiss me tonight. Now you behave, you hear? Oh, goat. I'm not going to tuck anybody in, but Mr. PB. Oh, no. Come on, Mr. PB, lie down there. Oh, really? I'm not going to tuck anybody in, but Mr. PB. Oh, no. Come on, Mr. PB, lie down there. Oh, really? Really? That's it. Under your chin. Now we'll just make you nice and comfy. Really? I don't usually get this kind of attention at home. There you are. Snug as a bug in a rug. Well, good night, y'all, and I'll thank your darlings, every one of you. Sure, you wouldn't like us to come up and tuck you in, Lila. Nighty-night. Night, Lila. Oh, lovely woman. Happen to be a service to her. Go to sleep. I'm turning out the light. Uh-huh. Confronted chairs never meant to sleep on. Go on and do it. Slide apart. You're settled. Slide apart. You know, darn good, just slide apart. Answer that, birdie. Hmm? What's it for? What am I... Oh, daylight. Hmm, I smell coffee. Lila, must be up. Uh, Mrs. Ransom. Yes? I'm Chief of Police Gage. Yeah, the Chief. Wait, I'll give him a piece of my mind. Well, then, won't you? You're a little late, I'm afraid. Well, better late than never, I always say. This is my deputy, Mr. Munson. I've met Mr. Munson. Hi, Mrs. Ransom. How's it going? Oh, here's Gilda's leave. Well, Chief... I heard you had a little excitement here, so I ran right over. I thought I'd just... What are those bodies in there? That's Peavey and the judge. They're asleep. Let's not wake him. Come on in the dining room. Chief, did I hear you say Floyd was a deputy? That's right. I took the pledge last night. Well, I'm going to turn in my badge. Listen, Chief, in the name of law and order, where have you been? Well, we... Ah, where haven't we been? When we left you last night, the Chief had his prowl caught, see? So him and me started down markets. Uh, Floyd. And just then along comes a couple that are likely looking... Uh, Floyd. Well, so anyway, it was a long story. The Chief finally got his cap back. Well... Hey, uh, something smells mighty good around here. I've just been making some coffee. I always have to have it first thing. Would you have some? Oh, no, no, thanks. I've got to get out. Oh, come on, Chief. You ain't going nowhere. Well, I might just have a cup to set me up. Sit down. I'll go out and see if it's ready. Well, Commissioner, we've almost got a quorum here. What's the occasion of this little gathering? It might interest you to know, Chief, that this house was broken into last night. A lady's life was threatened and a priceless heirloom stolen. But it hadn't been for us. The whole place might have been looted. Now, wait a minute. Let's not get excited. That's a trouble for you, Cops. Burglar's running loose all over the neighborhood. And you tell us not to get excited. Now, let me get this straight. Something was stolen, you say? Yeah, tell them about it, Leela. A perfectly priceless old coffee pot. George and it was. Over a hundred years old and solid silver. What did it look like? Well, it went with that set over there. I don't know how to describe it exactly. It was, uh, well, sort of... Was there anything like the one you've got in your hand? The one I get in the whole town. That's all. There goes your burglar. Well, fellas, I guess we can go home. Oh, now isn't that awful of me? Yeah, I've kept these poor boys up all night and for no reason at all. Aren't I terrible? Aren't I just terrible? Aren't I just simply terrible? Leela, you can say that again. Ladies and gentlemen, Walter Tetley, who plays Leroy, hasn't been with us for the past two weeks because he's been ill. But I talked to him this afternoon and he's feeling fine again. So I'll be back with us next week full of beans. Good night, everybody. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.