 In today's episode, I'm going to talk about my own experiences with depression more recently than you could maybe imagine. At the end, I'm also going to play you a song on the guitar. This is a song by Rod Stewart, which is very fitting to the theme of this episode as well. Of not being able to go on when we feel like we can't go on. I can only talk about these things from personal experience. I wouldn't dare touch this topic if I'd never dealt with depression and walked through, not walked through, been dragged through the fiery caves of hell, being dragged through the mud, been in the dark. You know, my friend, I wish I could offer you words of genuine comfort, something that would change and shift maybe the way you feel or what you're thinking right now. I know it's very hard for anything to penetrate in the state of mind you might be in right now. And that's okay. Nothing needs to be forced right now as you listen to this. But maybe just imagine we're just having a chat right now and there's nothing you need to do at all. There's nothing you need to say. There's nothing you need to give or offer. It's okay that you're dealing with a lot right now. In this episode, I just like to chat with you. That's all. And just share a little bit from my story. And see what ideas pop in my head and come out in the mouth. Okay. So, when we feel like we can't go on, I feel like it's because we don't know where we're going sometimes. Why would I go anywhere if I have no idea where I'm going and if I'm so fearful of where I'm going to arrive? Because if I arrive somewhere and it's worse than where I am right now, I'm kind of pissed that I started moving. And sometimes we're so scared to take that one extra step because if we take that extra step, we don't even know if it's going to be on solid ground or not and we could slip through the cracks and be somewhere else. Sometimes the fear of moving like that is intuition too. I know it seems strange, but these are some things I've learned that sometimes being fearful of taking an extra step at this point right now of when you're afraid to and not able to go on and muster the energy and the strength. Sometimes that's our body saying you don't have to move. Oh, I cry easily these days. Oh my gosh. When I'm really kind to myself, I surprise myself and I start tearing up at how it's a different voice that's in my head these days. Sometimes it's okay to stay where you are. Sometimes it's a sign that you don't need to move anywhere, that you can go super slow. And if super slow means not even moving, then that's okay to be where you are right now. You feel you can't go on. That means that you feel like you have to move. That means if you feel like you have to change, you have to be somebody different. You have to do something else that you need to fix something that need to unlock some secret that will change your mood. My friend, sometimes in life we are brought into places that we don't expect. That we show up here and we're just like, how the heck did I get here? What mistake did I make? What did I do wrong? How can I bear the responsibility? What did I do? What's my fault? You did nothing wrong, most likely. Sometimes in life we just fall down. Sometimes in life it breaks in front of our faces and we have to pick up the pieces one by one slowly and put ourselves back together. Sometimes in life things just don't work out and that's okay. That's what life is. It doesn't match our wants all the time. It doesn't match our needs all the time. It's hard as a human being, isn't it? Because some things just, we have to decipher what's in our control and what's out of our control and where do we put our energy and when do we rest? Where do we put our love? Where do we put our power and our talents? It's hard. It's okay that it's hard. And it's okay that right now at this moment you feel like you can't go on. It's okay that you feel that way. I'm going to tell you a few stories. It's sometimes for me had felt like I had all of these keys unlocking doors in the past. I had all of these tools and everything worked. This tool, boom, that helps with anxiety. This tool, boom, works for depression. I had all these keys that unlocked every door and now it seemed to me like the keys of the past don't unlock the doors of the present to get me into the future. Oh, that's a cool metaphor, man. Where do these things come from? You know what I'm saying? So it's like now I had all of these keys on me. Like what's that in the Matrix 2, the keymaker or something? We have all these keys and I'm weighed down by like 50 pounds of nice keys, nice golden keys but it's weight and they can't do anything. I can't go on. I can't unlock anything. These things are useless. What do we do? What do we do when we can't move on and when nothing's working? Okay. I need to preface this by saying this isn't advice. This is not advice. And if I were to give certain advice, it would be advice that every single human being has ever given about depression and you already know what it is. You already know that, yeah, talk to somebody. Talk to somebody you trust. Find somebody you trust and maybe seek professional help. Hey, okay, there we go. That's done. Now I get to talk more. Okay. The person I work with couldn't help me through it. My last bout of depression. I have the best support system of all time. I got friends I talked to about it. Parents I talked to. Family members. My coach, my therapist. Spiritual counsel. Nutrition was on point. Meditation. All of this stuff. Nothing worked. Nothing, nothing fits. Nothing fits. Sometimes we find ourselves in those positions. So from my experience, what do I do when nothing seems to work and I feel like I can't go on? What do I do? Well, I have to tell another little quick story. I was in Vancouver last year. Okay. And I'm sitting at the beach. And the tide goes out so far. It's the ocean. It goes out so far to almost where the boats are docked. These huge freight ships. They're just massive things. And I know about you, but I always feel it would be the grossest feeling to be beside a huge ship. Sometimes big things gross me out. It's weird. I know. Imagine being beside a big ship. I don't know why that's weird. So these ships are so out there. The tide is out. And I'm sitting at the beach waiting for the tide to come back in. You just wait. Now I wish that I could make the moon bigger so I could shift some tides around. I wish I could bring the moon closer so I could change some winds. I wish that I can control the wind to bring the waves back in. But I am helpless. Meaning I have no control over the environment there. And I just have to wait. I just have to wait for the tide to come in. Because tomorrow the sun will rise and who knows what the tide will bring. Said Tom Hanks in that movie cast away. So I wait after being dragged through the mud for so long. You know? I'm dirty. I'm filthy. Someone dragged me to the beach. My hands are bound. My legs are bound. I'm being dragged face down by someone. I don't even know who it is. I don't know where I'm going. I'm filthy with mud being dragged through this wave of depression. This wave. Ugh. And I'm waiting. And when I say with this voice, I'm waiting. Do you think I'm that calm waiting for depression to lift? Absolutely not. No. I'm in sheer panic. I do not think this feeling will ever go away. I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever. I do not think I will ever speak into this microphone again. I don't think I'll ever show my face to anyone again. I don't think I'll be able to get out there. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a talk again. I think I'll be able to go to a conference and talk about depression again in front of hundreds of people. Absolutely not. I'm terrified of losing my job. I'm terrified of meeting new people. I won't be able to get out of bed. Everything that tells me the tide will not come back. You will never, ever, ever get better. You're done. You're going to have to get back on medication, Scott. It's over. Good try. Good try, buddy. You know? So I'm waiting at the beach now. This is where I am in my mind. I'm waiting when nothing works, my friends, from my experience. I have to wait and pray to God. I don't mean to exclude anybody that doesn't have a particular faith or belief in anything like that. That's okay. Maybe you have some mantra. Maybe you can meditate. Maybe you can do something like that. But for me, all I can do is pray. Pray to this omnipotent, benevolent, all-loving, all-compassionate being that somehow maybe knows what Scott's going through. Because nobody else sure does. Nobody else can. Nobody else will. So it's literally for hours and hours non-stop. Oh, our Father who art in heaven. So I'm on the beach in my mind and I'm just praying and I close my eyes for a bit and I look out on the horizon when I get up and oh my God. Oh, the waves haven't moved. The water hasn't come in. It's not even any closer. Oh, my God. How long has it been? It's been 20 minutes. Oh, my God. It's so painful. Oh, my God. 20 minutes and it hasn't even moved. Okay. Okay. I'm going to keep breathing. Okay. I'm just going to wait. Then another 20 minutes goes by and look out on the horizon. Oh, my God. It hasn't moved yet. The water hasn't moved. It's nowhere closer. And I keep praying and I keep waiting. Patience as a virtue is something I never understood until moments like these. That were depression, depression, depression, deep rest. Sometimes it means that we need deep rest. So I wait. In my mind I wait. Now there's metaphor. I'm in Vancouver waiting for the tie, but in reality I'm in bed choking on thought. That's a cool saying. That could be a lyric for something. I wait. I wait. And I wait. Doing my best to feel like time is my ally because that's all I can do is wait. Because as I told you, nothing else is working. It's like when you get the flu, what are you going to do to feel better fast? What are you going to do? Nightquill? Okay. Sleep for eight hours. That's time. What are you going to do? Take Tylenol? Okay. That takes a few hours to kick in. You're still going to throw up probably. You're still going to have the shakes and the fever. The body has to work this out. It has to work it out. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to feel better instantly. What does society tell you though? Yes, you can get abs in 60 days. You can get this in 10 days. You can feel happy in 10 minutes with a meditation. And of course, these thoughts of what should be happening are coming into my mind. You shouldn't be depressed. You should be happy. There should be a solution out there. There should be a resolution. There should be some kind of thing you can do, Scott. Please figure it out. No. Time. Time. That's what was needed. Deep rest and time. And then I felt the water on my toes. And I looked up and the tide was back. What felt like years was only a few days. And I got to rinse the mud off. You got to get clean again. The salt water. Just so rejuvenating that clean water. After being dragged through the mud, you get to rinse yourself off. And just like that cast away movie, then he goes back and he's like, I have ice in my glass. I'm back. After all I've went through over four years on this island trying to kill myself, trying to survive completely hopeless and alone. I'm back. You'll come back. When you feel like you can't go on, sometimes you don't need to go anywhere. Sometimes you just need to wait. Sometimes you need to make friends with father time. It feels like a long time. Like waiting for the sun to set or the sun to rise when you're really mindful of time. It can feel extremely long. What do humans do to pass the time? We do all types of things. Everyone passes time. That's what everyone is literally doing right now at this moment. Everything. It doesn't matter. We're all passing it. Whether you're working at a factory, whether you're driving Uber, whether you work for a tech company, whether you're a doctor, a lawyer, we're all passing time doing something. And when we're very mindful of time is when we're in a difficult place. It feels like a long time. It feels like a long time. But the sun will rise again. The tide will come in just as it came out. And you will be okay again. And I've been in those dark places where I didn't think there'd be a way out. And I wouldn't wish those times on my worst enemy. But somehow, and I can't believe I say this every time, but I never regret where I've been. And I never regret what I've been through because it has allowed me to connect with so many people like you. And it's allowed me to be a better person when I can really be with that feeling. Tend to it. Take care of myself through it. Not seek resolution. Not seek even reconciliation. No, tend to it. And know these different parts of me as I move through time. Get to know these parts and why they exist and when they come up and maybe what they mean at certain times. This is what we learn as we embark on our journeys. My friend, if you feel like you can't go on, give yourself time. You'll be okay. Give yourself some love right now. You're stronger than you could possibly imagine just by being you at this moment. Because this is beyond difficult. And you're surviving it right now. And you're moving through it right now. It doesn't feel like it. I know, but you are. You are. Wait for the tide. And get ready to rinse yourself off soon. So with all that being said, let's play a little Rod Stewart in preparation for this podcast. I played this once, but let me let me try it. I don't know the tone. We're on capo three here and this song is called seems like a long time off of his 1971 album. Every picture tells a story and isn't your story grand and it's far more than a picture. Your story is in 4k right now. I know it's very vivid and difficult, but you're creating a story right now. You're living through your story. You're an amazing human being. You really are. And you're doing a great job. Be patient. Take care of yourself. Nighttime is only the other side of daytime. But if you've ever waited for the sun, you know what it's like to wish daytime would come down. Seems like a long time. Seems like a long time. Seems like long, long times are only the other side of good time. But if you've ever wished hard times were gone, you know what it's like to wish good times would come. Don't it seem like a long time. Seems like a long time. Seems like a long...