 Item No. SCP-4429 Object Class Euclid Special Catant Procedures Foundation agents embedded in William Shatner's PR firm are to ensure he remains isolated from any reference to pulp song common people. Free interviews are to be conducted with interviewers and hosts to determine whether or not they intend to reference common people during his appearance. Anyone who engages him in a conversation about the song is to be contained and amnesticized. Description SCP-4429 is the anomalous persistent belief that musician and actor William Shatner recorded a cover version of the song Common People, originally by Brent Pott Band-Pulp. While no such recording exists, affected individuals have consistent memories of this cover. The song's lyrics deal with an affluent female college student who glamorizes poverty and wants to be like common people. In the non-anomalous pulp original, these lyrics are delivered in a disaffected ironic manner, but all those under SCP-4429's influence describe Shatner's cover as aggressive, biting, and far more acerbic in its mockery of the student. SCP-4429 affects upwards of several million people. Those affected allege that this cover appears on Shatner's 2004 album Has Been, which in fact exclusively contains Shatner's own original spoken word pieces. Among those affected is musician Ben Folds, who produced Has Been and claims to have produced the Common People cover as well. It does not, however, include William Shatner himself, who is the only known individual associated with this album to be completely resistant to SCP-4429's effects. SCP-4429 has a secondary related effect that manifests when an effective subject attempts to converse with William Shatner about the supposed song. Those affected will become verbally hostile towards Shatner, escalating towards threats of physical harm. It is unclear if this would eventually lead to actual physical harm, as Shatner has consistently been unwilling to remain in proximity of affected subjects once they start threatening him. While the Foundation became aware of SCP-4429 due to Shatner's failed attempts at prosecuting several such individuals, he has nonetheless declined all requests to test out the limits of his effects, even in controlled environments. When interviewed, affected individuals express no remorse. Addendum-4429-A Transcript of Radio Interview, November 2, 2004 The following is a transcript of an interview on the Music Radio Program Q between William Shatner, Ben Folds, and host Gian Gomeschi. This is the first known occurrence of SCP-4429's secondary phenomenon. Gomeschi Moving on, we need to talk about that incredible cover of Common People, which absolutely blew me away the first time I played it and really has only gotten better and better on each listen. Folds Yeah, that one was really fun to put together, building with Joe Jackson singing and then the children's chorus at the end. But it does all come down to the delivery by Will, and that makes it Shatner. I'm sorry, I… Gomeschi Sorry to cut you off, but I just want to make this point and then get your feeling on it, and we can discuss the song in that context as well. It really feels, in many ways, like an extension of the lovely monologues you did on Star Trek, where you absolutely lay into some hapless alien who doesn't really understand humanity. Did that play into it at all? Shatner I really don't understand what we're talking about here. Gomeschi Has anyone ever told you that making music involves actual singing? You're not supposed to just say all the words into the mic, you know. Folds I needed to tell him that, but he really wouldn't listen. Shatner Fellas, I could take a joke as well as anyone, but I… don't really care for these radio prank things, I'll be honest. Gomeschi Oh God, is this because I mentioned your acting career? Look, I just said I'm a big fan of the song, you don't have to be a huge ass about this. Folds He is a bit of a prima donna when it comes to stuff like this. Yeah Shatner What? I'm not willing to talk about my work on Trek, I'm very proud of it, it's just that… Gomeschi Of course you're proud of it, you fat Canadian fuck, you maple syrup guzzling moron. Shatner Aren't… Aren't you Canadian too? What is this? Folds Oh shut up Kirk, why don't you eat Spock's entire butthole? Gomeschi Tell me, Captain, have you ever seen what your intestines look like? Would you like to? Ah, forget it, you just eat them, you lardass. Shatner I… Why… What the fuck? Folds Oh, Shatner's too dumb to understand what's going on, is that it? Is that it, you big dumb baby? Gomeschi repeatedly smashes his face into the table in front of him, resulting in multiple cuts, contusions and broken facial bones. Gomeschi Duh, look at me, I'm William Buck and Shatner, and I'm the biggest dipshit in the world. Folds That's you, Shatner. That's what you look like, that's what you will look like after we're done with you. Shatner Jesus… Christ… Shatner rapidly exits the interview room, Folds and Gomeschi make no effort to follow him. Gomeschi Fucking tech war sucked! Addendum 4429B Data recovered from William Shatner's personal archives, R.E. Ronald Coleman Data was noted that in multiple instances of SCP-4429 induced hostile behavior towards William Shatner, the phrase, Fat Canadian Fuck, was used even in cases where it did not fully make sense as an insult. As in the example in Addendum 4429A The Foundation explored Shatner's extensive collection of personal fan correspondence and discovered this phrase multiple times in the letters of Ronald Coleman, a 37-year-old unemployed male from Seacoccus, New Jersey. Coleman had written hundreds of letters to Shatner, largely consisting of interpretive insults and mockery, several of which liberally quoted from common people. In these letters, Coleman accused Shatner of falling out of touch with his fans and deliberately ignoring them. Shatner was not aware of Coleman and had read none of these letters as his personal assistant had filtered them from his inbox. The last letter Coleman wrote was posted shortly before the release of Has been, and consisted solely of a two-word profanity. In sharp contrast to the majority of his writings, Coleman's first dozen letters to Shatner were uniformly positive, praising him for his acting talent and musical prowess. As far as the Foundation has been able to determine, the tipping point for Coleman came after Shatner left the Seacoccus fan meetup early, before Coleman was able to get him to sign an autograph. Coleman disappeared shortly after his final letter, and his current whereabouts are unknown. Foundation agents searched his house and recovered a copy of Has been, which contained a cover of the song Common People, apparently by William Shatner, that fits all known descriptions of SCP-4429. This copy has been extensively tested for cognitohazards and is completely non-anomalous. It is the only known recording of this song to actually exist.