 Hi and welcome to another episode of recover loud. I'm Mike Paddleford your host. I recover loud tonight's episode We're gonna be talking with Ashley Rennie from Sabatis, Maine Ashley has used her program To go from felon to general manager and executive director Let's see some pictures of Ashley's journey and then we'll sit down and talk with her Hi, my name is Ashley Rennie and I recover loud So we're sitting here with Ashley Rennie from Sabatis Ashley welcome to the show. Thank you for having me I'm very excited to be here. I've been in recovery for a little over six years And I'm excited to share my experience strength and hope today I am the executive director of journey house recovery. We operate five low barrier houses across the state of Maine kind of spread out and rescotting County Cumberland County York County And again, we provide housing for people in recovery. They are MAT houses So I do that on a daily basis phone calls emails. I Talked to the program directors of each house We have someone who is either living close by one of the houses or who lives in the house that does the daily Operations I still attend AA meetings Do the step work? My kids keep me busy. They're you know one of my biggest motivations to To keep doing it and you know keep living a happier healthier life. Yeah, I just want to talk about the sober houses for a minute because It's very important. It's a great resource for our community What's the breakup? Are they mostly women's houses? So we have three women's houses and we have two men's houses. We have women's and a men's in Sanford We have a woman's house in South Portland and then we have a woman's house in Auburn and a men's house in Lewiston So like I said, they're pretty pretty spread out. Yeah, and you know, it's needed. There's not enough sober houses in the state There's not enough detoxes in the state Beds in general. Are there any openings in any of the houses right now? The Lewiston house stays pretty full. It's a smaller house. We do have openings in Sanford right now We'll be moving the women's house to a bigger location come the beginning of April So right now it houses five women and we should be bumping it up to around 10, you know, there are I don't want to say There's enough men's houses, but there's more men's houses than women's absolutely every time I see a women's house open up or expand To me, that's that's great. That's definitely we appreciate the work you're doing there. What else do you do with your time? I work I'm the general manager of Sabatus house of pizza, which ironically, you know being a convicted felon The owners are a lawyer and an Anderson County sheriff. So I like to share that because it's pretty Pretty crazy from, you know going from running from the lot and now, you know working side-by-side with an officer. I Like to be outside my boyfriend and I go on his motorcycle a lot in the summer Bring the kids outside in the snow if they love to to be outside too. So that's nice. I'm a very outdoorsy person Like I said go to meetings Nothing like too crazy I'm pretty busy all the time between the kids and you know the recovery houses and Working on my own recovery and stuff like that. So try to get out when I can Yeah, and you know, it's amazing the things we get to do once we find recovery for sure And just enjoy doing you know and be present for for things like that. So So, yes, that's quite a story going from a convicted felon to a general manager and executive director Can you tell us a little bit about what life was like back when you were getting arrested and spending time in jail? Definitely So I was 19 and I lost my father to suicide And about a year after that is kind of when everything Started going downhill for me. I Had you know was hanging out with the wrong people and they're like, oh here, you know try this pill and it was like the Initial aha moment. I was like, wow, this is you know, great takes everything away all the all the pain the bad feelings. So Just from that point it was just you know off and running I had tried I mean all of my 20s were Running the streets, you know getting arrested and all that stuff I tried you know a few times in between that to to get sober and you know tried different programs My family sent me to Florida at one point for you know rehab. I stayed down there for a year Did you know fairly well? I wasn't in the work So within two months of you know moving back to Maine it was right back to to the same, you know song and dance So that was most of most of my 20s. I've been arrested gosh I don't even more times than I can count on probably my hands and my toes like I said just often running I did pills for for a long time and then couldn't find them one day switched to heroin by the end of my using I was you know smoking crack all the time too and My last day getting high I overdosed. I was in the vehicle with my grandfather And I had asked him if he could run into the store and get me cigarettes So I did my thing while he was in the store because I felt awful. I was so dope sick. It was crazy and I remember just pulling into the driveway because we were about ten minutes from from where you know, we lived and I fell out and My grandmother who was sick at the time had Andrew scoggin like home health that would come in and her nurse was supposed to come The next day, but she had called and said oh, I'm in the area. Someone cancelled. Can I come now? So her RN happened to be there, you know, my grandfather ran in the house. I can't you know, wake Ashley up I don't know what's what's going on. So she came out and Perform CPR on me a few different times. She'd get me breathing again. I'd stop so she kept working on me till the paramedics got There and then they Narcan me three times. I finally came to in the ambulance They had called my mother at work and she Got into a car accident rolled her truck into a ditch trying to get to me So it was you know at that point I had I had been to jail. I had been on probation I had you know, I mean been in some scary places But none of it really ever affected me, you know, I'm just like this is my life and better get used to you know Being in in crappy places and doing bad things because this is just who I am and then that day was like, okay You know, I almost killed myself. I almost killed my mother, you know for that fact. So No matter how low we think we are We can sink lower You know and and even with an overdose, you know that that seems like it should be the bottom You know, I think that's the craziest part of telling that story of the day that that I almost died is that My first instinct was to check my pockets to see if they had taken my stuff and they didn't you know My clothes were all cut and from them working on me and when I got home from the hospital I did stuff out of the same bag But just you know did less hoping which thankfully I didn't overdose again But that was my my thought process then and I'm like now that's so So crazy, you know, I mean to think that that was my biggest worry Right, you know, it doesn't even make sense. No, it does at all. It's like wow Yeah, and you know, there's so many times so many different things I can think of in in my own journey that I'm surprised I'm alive absolutely I'm surprised that my children are alive. You know, I put them at risk so many times and and I did things that could have led to the tragic end to so many other people and By the grace of God, I'm still here. My family's still here and I have this chance to recover and You know because of that, you know, I'm able to help other people You know, I'm able to share stories with your story with with a bunch of people because these stories make a difference Absolutely, you know, we lost 636 Mainers last year The year before was, you know, 503 and the year before that was, you know 316 I believe so, I mean the numbers are not getting any better You know, but our efforts haven't decreased, you know Narcan is working At reversing an overdose people's lives are being saved Advocacy work is working people's lives are being saved But it just doesn't feel like enough, you know So sharing these stories and you know, yours is a great example where Narcan was necessary Narcan worked and because of that, you know, we have you Contributing and you know sitting in the position you're at And even just being in the community, you know, what's it like working at at? The house of pizza as a person in recovery. Do you share do people ask you? Do you share that with people? Yeah, I'm pretty open and I've always been pretty open about, you know My time in recovery and I I get judged for it, you know what I mean or not my time in recovery I guess my past But it's I guess the risk that you know, I'm willing to take to like you said help save lives And you know what I mean it's the saying if I can do it you can do it You know what I mean because I didn't think at one point that I could do it and it's like even You know, I detoxed in a sober house with no, you know, medication when I first came into recovery and I was still You know, oh, well, I'll I'll do this. It was more of I was on like my third probe probation violation So it was like my way to not go back to jail So at first it was like, you know, I'll pick and choose what I want to do, you know what I mean I'm not I'm not gonna listen to everybody. They you know, they might know what they're talking about But I don't know for sure if they do so it was the same with me, you know It never worked last time right I listened to myself, you know Finally when I was you know came to the conclusion that maybe I don't know as much as right exactly Yeah, you know, I know a lot about the things I shouldn't know a lot about what you know They mean, you know, and I mean, but that's that experience that we've gained in You know the darkest times of our lives because we're able to share it today. Yep, you know, it's effective at helping people Yeah, and even saying that, you know, I'm doing a recovery show I have had so many people reach out send me the link send me the link and I mean everybody in my life is Super supportive, you know, they mean and like I said, it's something that I'm always willing to share and talk about Because like we talked about before we started recording if it you know saves or helps one person, you know They mean it's it's such a huge thing this show became a way to you know, share the message with more than one person and You know having stories like yours make this show, you know worth worth having So what are what are some of the greatest? accomplishments that you've had since entering recovery I Would probably say my children for sure. I think that's one thing that I am Grateful for every day is I see so many people, you know whose kids have seen things and you know and I can't imagine, you know, it's got to be difficult not only to work on yourself, but have to Rebuild, you know a relationship with your kids and you know stuff like that. So I have Mass amounts of respect for you know, I mean people like yourself and you know your wife that Pulled their selves out and you know have put their family back together, you know and I guess I Always think about you know the day when I'll be telling my kids my story, you know They're still pretty young now almost five and two but you know, it is something that I'll share with them one day so I would say them and Work I've always loved working in restaurants, you know I've always been a waitress and a bartender and then got this opportunity and it was like wow, you know That's kind of crazy like it's a small pizza shop and stuff, but it's still it's big for me You know what I mean and I and I enjoy doing it I enjoy the the people that I work with and Honestly just waking up every day and you know not having to think of how I'm gonna get my stuff today What am I gonna steal? Who am I gonna hurt? You know what I mean or or whatever the case is just being happy and healthy, you know And I still have bad days, of course life still happens but I have those tools now to Be able to work through it without you know having to pick up a drink or a drug and I think that's Pretty amazing. Yeah, and you know, it's it always amazes me When I speak to somebody with you know six years in recovery a lot of people at that time think well I've already done the 12-step program. I did my part, you know, I don't need that anymore What keeps you going back to the 12-step program I just I know I know now Like we were saying before we you know know so many bad things before we come into recovery and now I know so many good things And so many good things have come from not only being in recovery, but continuing to work you know do the work and work on myself and you know, I know that if I get that mindset of You know, I can skip it this week or you know, I'll get rid of my job at the recovery houses or You know what I mean? I won't do step work this week It turns into to weeks and then months and then years, you know, and I know I know myself now and I know of it if I Do that? I'm not gonna last very long. I'll be right back out there doing the things that I used to do Yeah, and that's what they mean when they say the slip happens before you look up a drug Because it's it's the the mental Breakdown of it all, you know the the demons are starting to win again You know even the smallest victory for them, you know can affect us absolutely and you know allowing that Over and over just you know to slide to and that's that's why recovery is is a journey, you know, we may have and In these 12-step programs we start, you know day one is when we put down the the substance You know every day after that is the work to change our lives so that we don't go back to the substances and You know, it's it's a lot of work and You know, I respect people who Like yourself go six years continually doing the work giving back to the community and Seeing the value in in sharing your story Because when we when we recover loud, you know people hear it people get that hope they get the the resources and as you said if I can do it so can you and You know Looking at you today people probably wouldn't guess I get that quite often You know at your lowest You know, but we've got photo evidence. Yeah of how low it was for you. Yeah, and you know Did you imagine when you were growing up? That you know, you were going to become a felon and you're going to be You know addicted and that your life was going to go that far No, I mean, I don't even think in my wildest dreams I could have imagined that I would have you know been doing some of the things that that I've done you know what I mean and It's my dad was an alcoholic and I'm so much like him in so many ways and I Like to think that I'm kind of doing what he couldn't do I've not had the you know suicidal thoughts or you know anything like that but as far as just My mom always gives me heck because she says I show no emotion and and stuff like that So and that's you know, how my dad was but I think that Like I said, I'm just doing you know what he couldn't do and I think that's some of the the drive that keeps me going to because He was sober for for quite a while 16 years and then picked up the drink again And then two days later, you know took his life. So it's so Have you forgiven your father? I have it took me a long time and I Always blamed my using on that. Well, you know, my dad died my dad died, you know And I have a younger brother who also lost his dad, you know And he's the one that actually found my dad coming home from school. He was 16 and He's a helicopter pilot and a plane pilot was in the military, you know, they mean So I always thought Like why did I go down such a bad path, you know He had it worse than I did and not that it's you know, tit for tat or you had it worse And I you know had it better nothing like that But it's just one of those things that it took me a while to you know, we have the same birthday I was definitely a daddy's girl But I numbed myself for so long that I never I never gave my chant myself the chance to To deal with it, you know, it just was always pushed way down as deep as it could go, you know and like I said, it was my excuse for a long time to make bad choices and it's Now I see that That wasn't the reason that I I kept using I just used that as my reason if that you know makes sense But it's I mean, it's it wasn't easy. It's still not easy, you know, it's it's my dad But I've definitely come a long way and you know come to terms that he just wasn't happy and It's what he felt, you know, he needed to do. Yeah, and I mean You you did describe him as an alcoholic so without knowing him and and you know being a sick person myself I Can understand and see other people for the sicknesses they have So even though their actions are, you know, may seem, you know, unexplainable unforgivable You know knowing that they were sick and they suffered with something that led to that, you know it kind of puts it all into perspective and You know, it's we're gonna find an excuse and You know in the beginning of course you weren't thinking that your life was gonna lead to to where it did Right, you just wanted to not feel that pain, you know, and you know as a result of that You know it led you down that road and now in recovery, you know, you've been able to turn it around and you're you're giving back and You know, do you feel that you know forgiving your father was important for your recovery? Absolutely. It was a big part of that. I think Just dwelling on it, you know, and I mean it's like even The few times in between that I tried to get sober it was You know, I always like Poor me poor me, you know made myself feel bad like you might as well just go back to doing it Because you're never gonna get this, you know type thing and I think that It really was a huge part of my recovery and not to say that, you know, when he passed away That's why I started using but I think that that also had a big it was a big part of of why I just didn't want to Feel those feelings not that it was his fault or or anybody else's fault But I didn't I didn't want to deal with it, you know what I mean? And that was my way of not dealing with it So it was the situation happened. You didn't know how to deal with it health right and you chose and a lot of times we you know misplaced that onto the person and The only other question I have about that is have you been able to forgive yourself I Have I think I mean it took me a few years for sure even, you know after being sober for a couple years, but I Have I just know that if I again dwell on those things It's gonna put me right back to to where I was and I know that a lot of people, you know, like my family and stuff Those are the trust and the relationships and the forgiveness is all stuff that I had to earn back And I've done that, you know, and that's it's it's a big thing, you know My mom used to hide her purse or make sure she didn't have, you know Money laying around when when I was over and a couple months ago She forgot her purse in my car and I brought it to her the next day and it wasn't you know It's like little little things like that. I I recognize and it's maybe not even something that she recognizes But I'm like wow, you know that that's a big thing like that earning that that trust back and Being able to to have that relationship with my family again And I'm not having to worry if I'm gonna die or steal from them or you know They mean what what phone call they're gonna get next. Yeah, you know, we do strive for that You know the family healing the forgiveness As you mentioned with with my family was my children, you know gaining their forgiveness and support and We have been able to do it, but you know, it didn't happen overnight, right? It's the constant work the effort Proving ourselves And a lot of times that's just you know for me. It's proving it to myself And once I forgave myself, I was able to forgive others and once I'm able to you know see my own progress I can project that you know what I mean? I'm not Beating myself up over the stuff, you know, even though I've done horrible things, you know, I've done the work necessary to to at least earn that forgiveness for myself and you know, that's what's keeping me, you know going and So I think that's a really important thing and I'm glad to see that, you know, you have reached that Because I think the work that you You're doing is is valuable You know Laurie actually Was impacted by your recovery she was one of the first girls in the Auburn house and You know the lessons that she learned there were valuable even today, you know, she taught me many lessons, too So we helped each other right and that's what we do. That's how this works. Yeah, you know and that's why you know just We say helping others helps us and you know, that's how you know, we learn from each other Things and experiences that you know, we may not have gone through ourselves Right we see it in other ways and other people and you know again that's that's important to recover loud because You know people need to know that you know what they're dealing with isn't you know, they're not the only ones right You know a lot of times we think there's no way that somebody has gone through something this bad Right, and you know what we find out is you know, it happens more often than we think People just stay quiet. Yeah, you know my thing was always people don't know how I feel or they don't understand me You know so or they they don't have it as bad as I do for sure. That was Definitely my thought process for a long time. So yeah, and you know, it's great sometimes that when we when we turn it around You know, we end up having it better than we ever thought we could yes You know, I I know the things that I'm doing today, you know, I question whether I deserve it all the time, you know, and It's is very humbling, you know, and you know, that's that's my goal just to remain humble because You know back when I believed in the power of Mike Things didn't work out very well, you know, you know, so I put my I put my faith and my power in in a higher power and You know, I just do what feels right, you know and making those those decisions so You know for me life today is better than it ever was You know, I think You mentioned before that your life you're you've never been happier and you know so It's all thanks to our journey our recovery journey Deciding to get away from that stuff brought us to where we are today and the work that we personally put in Brings us to the points that we're at today today. We're gonna have a little check-in With Ashley and our director T-Far A check-in is a good way for us to Become accountable to ourselves and to others who may hear what we have to say It's not important so much for the other people But for ourselves when we say it out loud, you know, it becomes real So the way the check-in works is you know, we'll discuss something that may have happened good for us over the last week And then something that we're looking forward to next week You know, it may be a challenge for us Or just something we're looking forward to T Hey guys, I'm T This week I have had a couple of job opportunities with Ryan Page and his wife Cynthia with access recovery direct and also Filming a documentary for my job good shepherd food bank and Next week the thing I want to accomplish is I'm gonna be training to be a recovery coach That's awesome. That's awesome. Thank you for you. Yeah Ashley anything good happened for you this past week. Oh, let's see. I'm Ashley. I Would say I got to spend more time with my kids my work schedule wasn't as crazy So for me, that's something something good to happen Next week Probably the same thing. Hopefully spending time with my kids. We have some new stuff that we're doing at work and We are gonna be moving the women's house in Sanford. So a couple good things Thanks again guys for watching another episode of recover loud. It can be seen on PMC Channel 5 in Portland as well as on our YouTube channel recover loud. Don't forget to like share and comment on our posts as Well as hitting that subscribe button. Thank you all and we'll see you next time We cover loud My call you pick up the phone Always reminding me that I'm not alone Even when I'm scared in my feet of frozen you help me keep it going like a semi-colon So I'm a follow your steps all of the way up on my faith in you walk on the waves And if I stumble a bit and fall on my face, you come to save me with all of your grace. Yeah, thank God