 So today we're talking about the three pillars of powerful communication. And of course, you're probably thinking to yourself, great, you're going to tell me exactly what to say. But before we jump into what to say, we actually have to talk about the first pillar of powerful communication. And that's listening. And for many of our clients in X Factor Accelerator, this is an area where they would often self assess as very good. But in our implementation sessions, we would learn that there's still some gaps in some room for improvement in your listening skills. And this pitfall happens to the best of us. When we're talking to other people, it's very easy to get hung up on what you might want to say next or how you're feeling in that moment or what's going through your head versus what the other person is sharing with us. Right, Johnny? Absolutely. And we were just going over this in our implementation session in the X Factor yesterday and the week before. It's always about on what you're focusing on. If you don't know what to focus on, you can't hear things. Let me give you this analogy. This is one that I love and it's appropriate, which is in football, if you're playing defense, there's this rule that if you try to defend everything, you defend nothing. And which means that you have to focus on certain areas where you want to put your resources, where you want to put your energy and listening is the same thing. If you don't know what to listen for, you're not listening to anything. And if you think you're listening to everything, you're not listening to anything. And so you must know what you are listening for. And here's the best part. In improv, there's another rule that we love and we've talked about it on the show many times, which is the answers are always in the other person. And in interactions and meeting somebody, the other person will tell you everything that you need to know about them and will give you all the information that you need to have an incredible conversation with them. But you have to be able to listen or know what to listen for. But if you ask them a question, people will talk, especially if you know how to ask good questions, which we've talked about on this show, people will open up, they'll tell you everything. But if you don't know what the focus on, you're not going to get that information. So if you're one of those people who feel like, oh, when I'm out, I get in my head or I freeze up, I don't know what to say, it's because you're not focused on the right things. So you can even look at it as the flashlight metaphor, where wherever you turn your flashlight on, well, that's what you're going to see. Well, whatever you're going to turn your your AirPods on, that's what you're going to hear. It's the it's the same thing. You need to be directional, and it needs to be practiced. If you're now learning about what to listen for, for the first time, you're going to have to do this over and over and over again, until it starts to click, until it goes from a conscious incompetence to a conscious competence. And once you begin hearing everything that you that you're focusing on, well, then guess what? It becomes an unconscious competence, where it just becomes how you communicate with people. And when people enjoy communicating with you, when they enjoy those conversations, they're going to tell you that. And I love it. I love meeting people for the first time. And after that conversation, you're like, wow, that was crazy. I never had a conversation like that with somebody I just met. Well, it's a skill. And and AJ, you and I have had these conversations many times of having an understanding of this, applying it and raising somebody's state and value where they're feeling so good in this interaction, where they're confused afterwards because we are able to elicit emotions and feelings in these people that hasn't been touched before in a new conversation with somebody that they had just met. And when you hit these buttons, they become more and more vulnerable and open up more and more. And let's be honest, communication is not one way. We're talking about communication here. It means two people interacting with each other. You're not a messenger. And it's very often we'll see that you think, well, what you have to share is important. Guess what? Everyone feels that way. So the better you are at listening, the more you're going to pick up on what other people think is important and what other people want to share. So it's not just about feeling a little flat footed and not knowing what to say. You might be overconfident in being like, I know exactly what I want to say. And so focused on what you're saying, you miss the subtle cues that we're going to go through here in a second that you should be listening for. Now, back in 2018, September, we interviewed Oscar Trimboli for the podcast and he walked us through the five layers of listening. And we're so excited to unpack them for you here because this will change the way you view listening in a conversation and allow you to become a more active listener and a better communicator. So the first layer is listening to yourself. That inner monologue that we all hear for some of us, it might be critical in social situations. For some of us, it might be the comedian who just wants to jump in with the witty one liner and get people laughing, or it might just be anticipation of, oh, this person's going to say that. So then I can go ahead and say this, but that first layer of listening really impacts your ability to communicate clearly and powerfully. If all you're really concerning yourself with is what's going on inside your head. We need to actually listen to the other person move beyond that first layer to be an impactful listener. AJ, just a few weeks ago, we dropped an influence episode that had some clips from Vanessa Bonds and she had also mentioned that that first level of listening is for opportunities for us to reply. And if you are listening for spaces to which you can reply, you're not listening to what they're saying. Well, that brings up the second layer of listening, listening for content. Now, a lot of us might work in really analytical jobs where all of the data and information has to be parsed, has to be problem solved, and you have to come up with a solution. So you might be very adept at listening to the second layer, the content. Where is AJ from? What type of music does Johnny like? What color shirt is Michael wearing? That's his favorite, right? This is the content that the other person is sharing with us. It's the data collection. And if you're good at being a data analyst at work, you're probably really good at being a data analyst in your listening. But we have to move beyond just those first two layers because that's really where the magic starts to happen. Now the second layer is listening to the context. This is about the assumptions that people are making. What is actually going on? What's the frame of reference that they're working from in sharing this information? So for example, if I'm in a professional setting, I'm probably going to share differently in my communication than I would in a social environment or at the bar. My stories are going to be different. The sides of my personality that I choose to share are going to be different in that context. So an adept listener is actually listening beyond just the data but then thinking about what's the context behind what this person is sharing with me and is there something that I can pick up on in that context that I can use in my communication in my response to them. Now the fourth layer, and when we practice this in our implementation session, this is really when the light bulb goes off. The fourth layer is the unsaid. You have to be listening so intently that you're picking up on, well, what is AJ withholding in his communication? What is he glossing over? What hasn't been shared but is implied, right? So if I'm sharing a story about something, maybe I'm hyper focused on the setting but I'm not really sharing who I'm with or maybe I'm talking about my work and I'm talking about a big project but I'm not really sharing the department that I work in, right? What is the unsaid? What am I holding back? And that's a great opportunity for you to explore to get the person to share even more because if you can pull out the unsaid in conversation, you're actually a powerful communicator. AJ, I want to add going back to that influence episode and if you guys haven't checked that out, it was just a, it was a few weeks ago and Vanessa Bonds also commented on this as well, is when you are listening for the unsaid, you can summarize for people, hey, I'm hearing this. Do I have this correct, right? When you summarize it in that way, this allows the person you're speaking to to either confirm or tell you that you've gotten it wrong. Either way, you are the high value person in this because it shows your willingness to wanting to get to know and understand the other person. So if they say, yes, absolutely, that's what I was trying to say or you nailed it or they might come back with, you know what, close but actually it's more like this, regardless, both of those answers work in your favor. And for those of our listeners who are now thinking then that the unsaid might be something that shows up every 10 minutes, there might be one thing that is unsaid and that we can pick up on actually it's two thirds that is not said by the other person. And the reason this is two thirds is that we speak at about 125 words per minute but our brain is able to take in 400 words per minute and we're thinking, while I'm speaking, I'm literally thinking at 400 words per minute and I have to pick the ones that are actually coming out of my mouth because I can only fit a third of them out there. Now there are some listeners that since this was first discovered over 60 years ago. We have some listeners here that are making good use of that because you are listening to this podcast at 2x, at 3x and guess why? That's exactly why because you can take in so much more than the other person can say. So keep in mind that there's a lot of unsaid things out there that are there for you to find and comment on. Now the fifth and final layer is the meaning. Listening to the why is this person sharing this with me. So going back to that professional context, maybe I'm talking about a big project coming up at work, let's give me a chance to speak to the team or to share in a presentation or a webinar. Well the meaning behind that might actually be me sharing with you that I love public speaking and that's why I'm so excited about this project. So if you were to say to me, AJ, it sounds like you absolutely love public speaking, you're listening to the meaning of why I'm sharing that work example. And when you can hit on the meaning in your communication, you as Johnny said earlier, you allow that person to experience a conversation they've never had before because most of us as average listeners are listening to the first two levels, ourself and the content. And we're looking for those pauses to jump in and share something that we can relate to the content. We're missing the context, we're missing the unsaid and oftentimes we gloss completely over the meaning of why we're sharing that. And listen, every single person you're communicating with wants to present their best foot forward. They're very particular about what they're going to share with you upon meeting you for the first time in any context, a date, social or professional. And in that, in that them being selective on what they're sharing and communicating, well there's a meaning behind it. There's a why that they're choosing to share that with you. And if you can search for that why in your listening and draw that out in your conversation, you've just become a powerful communicator. AJ, I want to add right here as well. I think the ladies are going to love this and the guys are going to be surprised, but I'm going to make your lives that much better. So for every guy who's ever been in a relationship and has had and has been talking to his wife, girlfriend, and has heard the line, you're not listening to me. And the guy's like, well, I just can repeat everything you just said, because you are stuck in those first two listening cycles where you're looking for the content, because as an analytical thinker, you're thinking about what is the problem so I can fix it. We, as men, tend to work in analytical jobs, problem solution oriented jobs that drive a problem solution oriented mindset. So when somebody speaks to us or that's what we're trained, that's what we're focused on, that's what we're going to hear. These other levels allow you to gather more information and share empathy for the other person and where they're at and you begin to share an emotional space. And we're going to get into that a little bit more on what that means and how to correct that later in this episode. And listening is not only important for those relationships, but it's also crucial for career advancement. So there's a study, it was a survey-based study done by Wolven and Cochle where they reached out to Fortune 500 companies and they said, hey, you have these huge training budgets, what do you spend those budgets on? What are the most effective trainings? Why do you pick them? And the majority of those Fortune 500 companies said, well, it's listening training. That's what we need our employees to learn. And they said that even executives rated listening as the most crucial communication skill for their employees. And they also admitted that effective listening was clearly linked with a higher job performance. This one example might be why you're feeling stuck in your career. If others around you don't feel that you're a great listener, they don't rate you high and your ability to listen to the context, the meaning, the unsaid, you're going to find yourself in a situation where you are getting passed over for promotion. Even if you are that spark plug, that hard worker who goes the extra mile listening is part of that executive presence that makes you a great team member. And that's how you end up getting promoted. I had this happen to me when I was working in the film industry on an animated TV series and they were about to remake all the models they were using for all the characters in the show. And I'm always in the kitchen, I'm talking with people, I'm listening to them. And there was a lot of talk about the new season and what they would do differently, how the programming would change, how the technical aspects would change. And that was the number one topic in the kitchen. But the thing that was unsaid that I picked up on was like, guys, you don't have anyone to manage that, right? You're looking for someone to lead that project. And they said, actually, you're right, like we're talking so much about the details, but we don't have any project manager there. And I said, you know what, I can take this on. And boom, second season, I was responsible for the characters in the show. And even the best listeners can struggle in a few of these areas. And this is a fun anecdote from Matt, one of our X Factor accelerator members, who joined the program, assuming he's an excellent listener. And why is that? Because he's a music teacher. He actually teaches kids how to play music. So of course, he's very adept at listening musically and to notes. But what happened, Johnny? Well, I can relate to Matt because I'm also a musician. And as a musician, when you're doing improvisational stuff, which is basically an interaction through music rather than language, and music is a language, in order to be successful at that and have a lot of fun with it, you have to cue in, clue in and listen to certain arrangement pieces. So maybe I want to interact with what the drums are doing or what the bass is doing, or carry along with the melody of the voice. So I'm going to focus in on those aspects so that we can have a musical dance. So Matt, as a music teacher, he was great at listening. And but Matt and enduring communication, speaking with the other parents and his and the kids in class, he didn't recognize that he could focus in on certain aspects of the conversations that were happening to make them dance as he would in musical improvisation. So through our classes and our implementation sessions, Matt had learned what to focus in on. And I'm going from an unconscious incompetence to a conscious incompetence. Okay, now I know what I'm missing, and I'm going to work on it to a conscious competence. Hey, guess what? Now that I'm focusing on the right things, and I'm able to utilize them in conversations, I see them growing. And through many practices and working on it, after a few weeks, it became something that then Matt regularly did to an unconscious competence. He doesn't even need to think about it. It's just how he speaks with people just like his musical improvisations. And now he has, he said his relationships with the parents of all the students had blossomed. And he also used it at his performances. One of the things that Matt had a lot of trouble with is he would get off stage after one of his band's performances and go in the crowd and everyone wanted to talk to him. And it freaked him out about how to deal with this. And so once Matt learned this trick, he started putting breaks in between their sets so that he could talk to the audience and mess with them during their performances. That's how confident he got with using these techniques that we're going to be discussing today. And of course, he saw the connection that he had with the audience and his audiences for his performances started to grow. And one of the audience members offered him and his band a spot at his favorite music festival. So that's the power of just shifting your perspective and your skill level on listening alone. And that's the first pillar of being a powerful communicator. I want to talk about the second pillar, because what I said earlier is why this second pillar is so important. When we're in conversation, when we're communicating, we choose our words wisely, thinking at 400 words a minute, but speaking at 125, we're weighing what we're going to say, what side of our personality we're going to show, what stories are we going to share. And whatever we choose is extremely important to us. We value it immensely. So if you bring value to others and you cherish what they're choosing to share with you, being that great listener, you're taking the value that they're giving you and what they're sharing, and you give them value for opening up, for feeling good, for expressing themselves, for sharing that information with you, you've unlocked powerful communication, you're making an impact on others. Now the problem that we see time and time again with some of our clients is they tend to overuse humor. Let's be honest, we love making people laugh. It feels good to have people laughing around us and to find our humor to be fun, to be engaging. So we can sometimes overdo it. It's like too much salt in the dish. If you're constantly relying on humor, witty one-liners, comical retorts, or even self-deprecation in your communication, you're not giving the other person value for what they're sharing. You're devaluing the story they just told, the bit of information they shared with you, the answer to your question that they gave you by turning the spotlight back on yourself with that humor. And of course, over time, if you're just constantly the court jester, no one's going to take you seriously and they're not going to feel comfortable expressing themselves and getting vulnerable around you. And there's a reason for this. I mean, we've been told our whole lives that people like to laugh. And if you can make them laugh, they're going to see you in a favorable light. And think about all the television shows and the comedy that we watch because we all know intrinsically it's inside of us that we love to laugh and we love people who make us laugh. So we want to be humorous. We want to be funny. And, you know, those people who are good at doing that, the comedians, the actors, the performance artists, these are people who practice this skill. If you're not regularly practicing this skill, you're going to find yourself sticking your foot in your mouth, right? It gets you in trouble. I've done it a million times because we all want to contribute to the conversation. We all want to shoot our shot as the kids like to say. But if this is something that you don't work on, it's going to be difficult. And when people try to get to know us, and we always go for the joke, we always go for humor, we break that rapport. And as AJ mentioned, people are not going to take us seriously. But it's also going to push people away from us rather than drawing them in. Because humor and a lot of times, in order to create humor, we need tension. And in order to create this tension, we have to be on a contrarian or negate what the other person is saying in order to create this tension. But if they don't know us very well, our efforts to create that tension works against us rather than for us. So what we have to do is break that pattern and give people other tools to use to open things up, to gain that trust so that we then can use that tension and to our advantage. A little bit of humor goes a long way. A laugh or two is great, but it very quickly can be overdone when we're communicating with others. And certainly in a professional setting. So what do we do? If you find yourself in this pitfall, that you constantly love to go for the one liners, you want people laughing, you want everyone around you to think you're funny, how do you shift your communication to be more powerful? You give value. And this is really one of the core tenets of our X Factor Accelerator program. And it's why we've been teaching boot camps and training the military for the last 16 years, because we believe essentially all human relationships are built on humans feeling, heard, appreciated and accepted. So what does that mean? Giving someone attention as we talked about in the first pillar being an excellent listener is step one to giving someone value. And if you're constantly coming back immediately with rapid fire follow-up questions or you're having your interjection of humor, you're not listening. You're not giving that person your full attention. You're waiting to jump back in and take the spotlight. Well, the second one, approval. How do you give someone approval? How do you make them feel really good for sharing with you and open up that door, as Johnny said, to more vulnerability? Well, you don't give approval by cracking jokes about them, by making what they just said, the butt of the joke or yourself, the butt of the joke. That's not going to make the other person feel approved and feel good and comfortable in that environment. And the last one is acceptance. So if we can give approval, we can say, that was amazing. We can share what we like about that story. If we can let them know what about their personality traits shine through in their communication or we can get to the unsaid, we're actually giving that person approval. We're letting them know that we actually enjoyed this conversation. We enjoy communicating with them. And acceptance is actually welcoming them into your tribe. We've talked a lot about the show, how humans are tribal by nature. As herd animals, we need to be accepted in order to feel safe, in order to feel like we're not putting ourselves in a dangerous situation. So the quicker you can give someone your attention, give them that approval, what you appreciate about them, and welcome them into your tribe, exchange contact information, add them on LinkedIn, ask for their phone number, suggest hanging out again, giving that value to the other person is a core tenant of being a powerful communicator, allowing the other person to feel their best when communicating with you. I want to add there that whole mechanism is about chasing comfort. We're wired to chase comfort and allowing people to have attention, get approval and be accepted into the tribe allows them to feel comfortable. So that mechanism is inherent to all of us. And if you learn how to use it as what we do in our implementation sessions, then you have a superpower that others are not using. And the science here is so abundant that they're not just studies to be found, like their entire university degrees to be found on that matter. So I want to present something that is really close to my heart. And this is something that Carl Rogers, this really renowned psychologist, one of the big originators of therapy and how it's done these days. Here's something he wrote in 1957. I was republished 2007 in the Journal of Consulting Psychology, because it's still relevant. And it's called the necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Now, it sounds a little bit far off to go into the therapeutic realm to discuss giving value. But listen, in therapeutic relationships, 60% and more of the outcome are solely based on the connection between the therapist and the client. So guess who really, really, really needs to be good at connecting with the other person. So what Rogers came up in his core conditions for effective therapy was what he called unconditional positive regard, which is just a fancy scientific term for acceptance and emphatic understanding, which is a tension. And he showed that acceptance simply allows individuals to express their feelings. They don't have to have fear. They know they're not going to get judged. It allows for the client, for the one that's being listened to, to really have their emotions, their content understood. And the entire approach massively improves those interpersonal relationships and the communication between them. And so at the end of his article, he wrote, these hypotheses hold in any situation, whether it is or it is not labeled psychotherapy. So learn from those that walked the talk. And are the masters? Truly. You think about your relationship with your therapist. It often is one of the relationships you hold in the highest regard because they pay full attention, they accept you for who you are, and they appreciate you being candid and sharing and opening up with them. And when you can combine those three A's in giving value and what the other person is sharing with you, it's an unlock that we've talked about numerous times in the show makes that person want to spend more time with you. What is more important in being a powerful communicator than having your audience want to spend more time with you to chase, hanging out with you to chase more conversations with you to invite you into their tribe, into their life. And going back to what we said earlier around humor, sometimes that humor can be a defense mechanism. Sometimes relying too much on humor, not giving value to the other person can be you utilizing a defense, a shield of laughter to guard yourself from having to be vulnerable to open up to get the other person sharing. And we saw this exact thing happen with Jake, right, Johnny? Yes. It was about, what was that, a year ago? We were running one of our classes for the special ops guys. It was a huge group that were coming through. And one of the guys, Jake, part of his job was diplomacy. He needed to interact with a lot of people, and he had dreams of getting into politics. Now politics is certainly a glad hands sorted job, and you need to be out there and put yourself out there. And certainly that was Jake's strong suit. He was, he loved talking with everybody. He was an extrovert. However, his fast talking, wise cracking attitude got him a lot of guy friends to hang out, to go to the bar. He would get invited to a lot of things that were, were very social in nature. But he started to realize that there was other events that his friends were going to that he wasn't getting invited to. And these were the more serious type events that he needed to be going to if in order to meet the people he needed to move up. And what he realized in the class was his fast talking, wise cracking self got a lot of laughs and connected with the guys. Hey, this is the guy that you want to be hanging out at the bar with on Saturday night, we're going to have a lot of fun. The laughs are going to be flowing, but he's not the guy that you want to be taken in to meet some of the governor and the other people working in the office this week at this networking event. Because he's, he's a little bit wild. He would never know what he's going to say. And so because of that, he realized that this, this wall, this hurdle had been put up. And so giving him this opportunity to learn how to give value, acceptance, approval, and attention, he then had added a completely new skill set to his conversational extroverted self, which made him an extra powerhouse. And, and once he was able to break the humor, wise crack pattern and his friends recognize he has this new ability to connect and do that fast due to his already inherent extroverted skills. That was those hurdles didn't exist anymore. He flew through the ranks. And here's the situation where he realized that he was also getting a lot of humor back, right? If you're the wisecracker, well, that's what you're going to get back. Stronger frame dissolves the weaker one. But in that humor, in that banter, if that's where you live and that's where you play, you're not going to get to the point of connection. And what you're going to be memorable for might not be exactly the impression you want to make, certainly not in professional career settings. So let's talk about the third pillar of being a powerful communicator because this is a very popular toolbox episode we've covered in depth. We'll link in the show notes, but I want to highlight this again because many of our new listeners may not have heard of this concept, and it really is transformational to your communication. So we touched on the first pillar of listening and the five levels and really understanding what to listen for. And then we touched on how important it is in our communication to really value with the other person sharing. Well, there's a third piece to this that we need to pick up on. And again, communication is not just you talking. It's not just you being the messenger. It's you allowing the other person to share with you. And what they're sharing, there's a specific signal that Dr. John Gottman in his research on successful romantic relationships coined as emotional bids. And when you can recognize emotional bids, these are the moments in conversation when the person you're speaking with wants to connect with you is making a bid of vulnerability for deeper connection. Letting you know, I feel safe, I feel heard and I'm excited to connect with you. When you can pick up on these connection signals, emotional bids, you become a powerful communicator because now you know the person likes you, the person wants to connect with you, the person would love to share their contact information, would love to spend more time with you. So whether it's romantic, social or professional, recognizing these emotional bids are really the key to you creating those powerful relationships in your life. A problem that we see in some of our clients is that because their professional life is so logical and so analytical. As Johnny talked about, we work with doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, problem solvers, engineers, and even military special operators where data and analysis is in high demand. Well, sometimes that analytical mind can trip us up in communication. It can keep us from seeing the subtle signals and cues that the other person wants to connect with us. Emotional bids are not logical. They are subtle cues in conversation that if you're only tuned in to the logical part of the conversation, you're only listening to the context you will completely miss in conversation. To go back to what I was saying in the last piece was we chase comfort. Where we're comfortable is where we tend to stay. So if you have an analytical job where you are problem solution oriented, you have to analyze data and then with that data come up with a solution in order to get over whatever hurdle is in front of you and you make money doing that. That puts a roof over your head. That puts food on your table. That puts clothes on your back and you get good at that. You start doing very well in your career because that is a strong suit. That becomes where you're comfortable and think of that. If you spend your whole day in an analytical solution oriented mindset, you're training your brain or you're creating pathways for it to be efficient and effective thinking in that manner. That will do great at work in your analytical job. But that same skill set that allows you to do great at work pushes people away socially because in order to connect, we have to share an emotional space and you share emotional space through developing your empathy. This goes back to what AJ was saying about if we're only listening to the data, those first two levels, because we're trying to problem solve, we're getting all the information that we need to help this person get over the hurdle. But for a lot of people, they don't want to help getting over the hurdle or they already know the answer. They're looking for empathy and connection to know that they're not alone in their struggle. The only way to do that is to share that emotional space. Once we see these patterns arise, now we can go through the effort of giving you new tools to use so you can develop this skill. Then what we're doing is we're skill stacking. We're now adding a completely new conversational tool to one that you're already good at, which opens up more opportunities. It makes you extraordinary. True. That's part of unlocking your X factor is understanding the nuance in communication and then using that nuance in science to your advantage. This is one of those situations where when our logical brain overpowers us, we could get hung up on small details in the content. Hey, AJ said Detroit, but then he was talking about New York. Didn't he say he lived and you can get hung up in your analysis on the imperfection that is communication and that will keep you from hearing the emotional bid, the opportunity that the other person is saying, AJ, I want to connect with you. I'm enjoying myself. This has been a great conversation. I want you to know that I want this connection. I want this relationship. I'll be honest. There are often times in conversation where I don't know if it's going well. I don't know if it's not landing, if it is landing, if things are great. Sometimes we've talked about the body language signals about processing face and the other person might not seem as animated or engaged as I'd like, but I'm still listening for the emotional bids because the emotional bid is the surest sign that the other person is enjoying this conversation, wants a connection and is the seed of the relationship that can blossom. When you start to recognize emotional bids and there are literally tens of them, there are so many emotional bids. We'll share a cheat sheet for you in the show notes as well as the end of the episode for you to download to check out the emotional bids. The important aspect here is when you tune into the emotional bids, you recognize the opportunities for connection. The other person then wants to share more and of course build that relationship with you. You go from not only having charisma to then utilizing that charisma to have great communication to then building relationships. That's the entire point of communication. The stronger relationships you have at work lead to your career advancement. The stronger relationships you have socially and romantically actually lead to the longevity in your life. You have a happier, healthier life if you have strong relationships and you can only build those strong relationships with powerful communication. So first, when we're talking about emotional bids, we do need to talk about Dr. Gottman who you've heard us talk on this show so many times. What he did was this was in 1999. He designed a lab in the University of Washington campus and he made it look like a bed and breakfast retreat. It was affectionately known as the Love Lab. Then he invited 130 newlywed couples to this retreat, to this Love Lab. Of course they knew this was a study. They knew what was going on. So they would go there, they would spend time there and he would observe them in their day-to-day interactions with each other. Now, what he discovered was that throughout the day, these partners would make requests of one another, requests that weren't based on the content of what they were saying, not on logic. They were requests for a connection and he called those emotional bids. So after six years, here's where it gets really interesting. After six years, he followed up with those 130 couples that he had in the Love Lab and he discovered that there was a huge difference between those couples that were still married at this point and those that got divorced or were in an unhappy marriage and the difference between those two, can you guess it, were emotional bids. Those that were still happily married, they reacted to 86% of each other's emotional bids. Those that didn't make it through those six years, they were at the 33% mark. And remember these were newlyweds when this study was done. So even their 33% of emotional bids at the newlywed stage didn't quite cut it. Now, you must be thinking, what are some examples of emotional bids? And we'll link up the cheat sheet and the show notes. I want to share just a few of the ones that we've highlighted so you can get a sense for what an emotional bid actually looks and sounds like. Now, the first one is a bid for an extended conversation. As an introvert, I will find myself often being short to the point, being concise. But when my wife is actually trying to build a deeper connection with me, she'll ask me deeper questions to share a little bit more. And if I'm super logical, I might be like, well, why do you care about this? Why do you care so much about what specifically Johnny and I were having for lunch? When in actuality, that's an emotional bid. She's looking to connect, she's looking to place herself in that emotional space with me and Johnny enjoying that business lunch. Another one could be a bid for emotional support, where your friend at work might say, hey, I'm really concerned about my upcoming performance review. I had a rough quarter. I'm afraid I'm going to be put on a pip. I'm afraid that I'm not going to get that promotion. Well, that's them expressing an emotion that's concerning for them and looking for emotional support from you. So you may be in situations where an emotional bid is actually the other person hoping that you'll support them and be there for them in their emotional state of need. Another simple one is just a bid for interest. Are you interested in going to check out the Barbie movie with me? Hey, do you want to go check out Oppenheimer this weekend? They're looking to gauge if this is something that can be a shared interest between the two of you. Now, those are just a few examples of emotional bids, but the point is the person is looking for connection in their communication with you. And when you start to recognize these seeds of connection, you actually water them so the relationship can blossom. And now you've become a really powerful communicator in that you're leveraging conversation for connection, for relationship building. And these emotional bids, although Dr. Gottman's research is in romantic relationships, they're found in every social, professional and romantic context imaginable. Because as humans, we have an innate desire to connect with one another. So if you find yourself wondering why aren't these conversations going the way you want? Why are you struggling to build and foster the relationships that you really want in your life? We ask you to check out your listening. Can you level up that listening, that first pillar of powerful communication? Are you giving value to the people that you're speaking with and communicating with? And are you able to recognize the signals of when people are actually trying to connect with you? Because if you don't recognize them or turn away from those emotional bids, as Dr. John Gottman says, you're actually breaking that rapport, you're breaking that attempt at connection. And if you keep breaking it, that person's not going to want to spend time with you, is not going to feel comfortable inviting you. Or even worse, it could end up in divorce. It could end up in you losing your job. Now, this was really pronounced with one of our clients, Colin, who had immense success in his career. In fact, he sold the company and had an exit and he was trying to figure out what to do next in his career. And he joined the program feeling after moving to a new city that he was sort of struggling on the social realm and the romantic realm. And he was guarded in sharing his career success because he didn't want to invite the wrong people in to build relationships with. He didn't want people seeking just his status with this great accomplishment in his career. So when he joined the program being super logical, he was wondering why he was struggling to form the connections in the relationships that he really wanted. And in the X Factor accelerator, we worked through the concept of emotional bids. And it was that real light bulb moment for him of all the signals that he was missing out on his logical brain wasn't allowing him to see in conversation around him of people wanting to be his friend for the right reasons, wanting to go on a date with him for the right reasons. And he was completely guarded about all of his professional success because he didn't want to attract the wrong people. Colin was a good looking dude. He was over. He's like, what, six, two blonde sort of tech company loaded. But he was having massive relationship problems. And if I remember correctly, I think Colin had also had gotten a divorce as well. And he's trying to put himself back out there in a new town to start all over. And he realized that there was this gap. It's like, he's like, wait, I'm a good looking guy. I just sold a tech company. I should be rolling here. And he was having a difficult, in fact, he was getting a bunch of dates through the social media dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. But here's this guy, blonde, super tall, has done really well for himself and he can't get second dates. And he's also, it got to the point where he didn't want to go out on any more dates because he recognized that there was a problem. So it would be effort spent only to gain the same results. So Colin started to look for answers for this problem. And it was, it was funny because he had stumbled over our podcast about emotional bids. And he totally saw that that was the problem. And, and when he came to us, it was like, can we work on this? I've already figured it out. This is, this is it. This was what I'm missing. And to go along with this, because Colin was so successful in tech, he built his own company he spent all day in problem solution oriented mindset. And not only that Colin had, as you brought up AJ, what we call processing face. So for a lot of us, analytical thinkers, when we go into our head and we're going through the analytics and trying to come up with a solution to the problem, we could either go poker face, there's just no emotion that we are showing no expression or that expression looks frustrated or even mean, which breaks rapport as somebody's trying to connect with you and they don't see any expression or emotion in your body language, in your nonverbals, they are going to feel that you are negating their attempt to connect through an emotional bid. And that negating makes those people who are putting themselves out there contract, right? They're not going to be so willing to do that. And you're now missing those opportunities. So here's these, these girls who found Colin incredibly attractive, they're out on a date with them. And because he's in his analytical mindset, showing processing face, they're confused. They don't know what's going on. They're uncomfortable. And what do we chase? Comfort. So they opted out of having another date. So for Colin in recognizing this, learning to identify them, and then learning how to validate them through conversation and through nonverbals, it completely changed his life. Yeah, I remember Colin, I also remember Matt from our emotional bids implementation sessions. And what we're doing here, what we're doing in those sessions is something that our listeners might be thinking right now, maybe it's like, okay, I've heard about the concepts, I'm gonna get the cheat sheet. And then in the next conversation, I'm totally going in for the emotional bids. And there's like, well, that's actually a lot, like, am I doing this right? What could I do better? And that's why we brought the implementation sessions in because what we're doing is we're meeting over Zoom, and we have 10 people in the workshop. And then we start explaining the concept of emotional bids really quickly. And then we team people up and we say, Hey, AJ and Johnny, you're going to have a conversation for a minute or two. And every one of us, we're going to listen in. And we're going to give you feedback at the end. And it's always so interesting when you have two people have that conversation and everyone else is like, Oh, they missed one, they missed one, that he should have said this. Oh, that was there. Oh, he negated that emotional bit. He totally bet he completely skipped over that one. And then like, time out, we come together, everyone shares what they've seen, and not only do the two volunteers that had the conversation learned so much about what they did right and what they did wrong. Everyone else is learning from everyone else, because the way that Matt picks up on emotional bids is maybe as tiny little bit different than Colin. And Colin is like, Whoa, you know, I can learn something from Matt here and the other way around. And they're just so much fun. Like it doesn't feel like, Oh, I need to learn something. It's like, wow, this is exciting. This is something that I have never experienced in my life. Like I've never seen those emotional bids out there. And now I can just pinpoint them and totally lean in and acknowledge them. And that's the power of reviewing the game tape in the X Factor Accelerator. I was just watching quarterback on Netflix and seeing how professional quarterbacks live and breathe their iPad with game tape reviewing, what's the opponent doing? What's going to happen next? If I see this pattern, how can I recognize that? That's exactly what we bring into the X Factor Accelerator is the ability to review game tape on your nonverbal communication, on emotional bids, your active listening, on your storytelling, and how many times in your life are you in a supportive environment that's really geared to help you improve your communication, not tear down your communication, not insult your communication, or give you unsolicited feedback on your communication, but to learn from each other to bring up everyone's level of communication. And that's why in recapping today, when you recognize these three pillars of being a powerful communicator, you're on that second step towards being extraordinary. When you become a more adept and engaged listener, when you actually can give value in your communication to others where they want to spend more time investing in a relationship with you. And then when you can recognize those signals, those seeds of relationship, those emotional bids, as we called them, to use them as an advantage to create the relationships that strengthen your career trajectory, that build the social ties that enrich your physical mental health and the romantic relationship that keeps you from getting divorced and separated and struggling romantically, you actually unlock that X factor in yourself. And that's why we love what we do. And that's why I want to share these three pillars with you today and bring in Johnny and Michael here to share anecdotes and science behind why this work is so powerful.